well, well, well...

[nytemist]

it''s been a long time since I first came across the sanctuary of PS and posted about my situation. It seems like the year has flown by. I can count hours til the end of the year instead of months. Some ways it has been a very bad year, in others it was good. But now that deadline is huge.

BF and I are doing our usual plans. I should be excited this year... but I don''t feel it. Something tells me that it isn''t going to happen. There has been more than enough time for him to get things off the ground, but I really don''t think he has. For the past week, part of me has been feeling down; it kind of hit me that what he said last New Years day about one of his priorities for 2005 was to work on getting engaged, may not mean actually doing it. And if it doesn''t, how to start that conversation? "Hey! Happy 2006! First anniversary of a broken promise! How do I feel?"

I''m kind of all over the place right now. I have a half day tomorrow, so I may not be online. I had to vent today, just in case I don''t post for while. I may be too upset to do so. Who knows? I can''t assume, can''t be a cynic, he may surprise the hell out of me. Just want the virtual hand-holding is case it doesn''t.

 

[caligal]

Oh Nyme.... Here''s two hands right here for you!! What an awful place to be in! Do you have plans for New Years? If you feel you can''t wait to chat about it (and he doesn''t propose), then I would bring it up right away. Maybe he still will! We are all behind you here girl.

 

[sistagrl2004]

Ok you can not be cynical/upset until mid January or so. I asked around the office and in a male mind.. He just meant he was going to be saving money and possibly purchasing a ring in 2005, not actually proposing.. OH and for the record. 9 out of 12 men here feel like Valentines Day is the PERFECT day to propose!!!!! MEN! Hang in there girl!

 

[allycat0303]

NY,

New Years can kind of stink if things didn''t go as planned. However, you have to wait until the 1 st to start getting cynical. No jumping the gun yet. Maybe he can still come through (and he''s a master at hiding things). enjoy your New Years (no matter what) and have a sit down talk with him in January (if he hasn''t proposed yet).

 

[larussel03]

aw nym, I think you''re the only person that I hope gets engaged before I do. You''ve been thru so much this year, so hopefully he''ll come through. Hopefully he''s got it all together and is just waiting for the opportunity. I know how it feels to fear that he has nothing planned, I def feel worried that I''m expecting it to come soon and that maybe he hasnt even started yet...

keep us posted and good luck!

 

[nytemist]

caligal- what we have been doing the past couple of years is staying in the city at a hotel. We go to dinner, do a little bar-hopping before things start getting nuts in the bars and everything. We''re usually back in the hotel by 10 or so. And I usually have to wake him up for the countdown. We started doing this so we can go out for New Years, see some of the ice sculptures and such in town, but not have to drive anywhere and deal with the drunk drivers- not matter what people still try to drive.
Sweetpea- I thank you for the sweet words, makes me feel a little guilty. Your engagement is coming very soon!

I was thinking during the afternoon( when I should have been working)... since he''s procrastinated so much, is he going to wait until our anniversary at the beginning of Feb? Another month tacked on?

 

[Rhapsody]

I''m sorry this is putting a damper on you enjoying the new year festivities. You''ve said it yourself in some of your other posts, you can''t control what he does (or doesn''t) do, but you can take control of your own life and still enjoy the good things that are happneing around us.

My boyfriend also told me last new years one of his goals was to get engaged and after being together almost 6 years I said FINALLY! But I dont think he realized how seriously I took that "deadline", nor did he realize how long it would take to buy the stone and ring. We wont be engaged by the end of the year but I decided not to be angry because I finally really believe that he really DOES want to get engaged and married. Sometimes you just have to have faith even when things arent going well. Try not to let anger and cynicism get to you too much. I know its hard, especially when you feel like you''re putting your life on hold for them. If you really believe he does want to get engaged and married I would say let it go, especially since you have an anniversary soon that he may be waiting for; if you have serious doubts about what he wants I would talk to him sooner rather than later because bitterness is hard to forget.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you enjoy your evening in the city (I am so jealous! oi suburbia)

 

[SeattleSparkle]

nytemist, I wish I was better at giving advice. I just want you to know, that I totally feel for you and would give you a comforting hug if I could. Growing up, my dad was the kind to break promises all the time and I would try to act tough, angry and cynical about it, but really I was just so heartbroken. The best advice I guess I could give is to give your SO some grace and have a heart to heart with him about it if it doesn''t happen before or nearly after the clock strikes 12 on 01/01/06. I''m really still hoping it will though!! And in the long scheme of things, if it does happen on your anniversary, a month isn''t a long time to wait when you have your whole lives ahead of you. Ah, I wish you the best and hope that you can have some peace on this subject. May your heart be well and happy as we finish out this year and bring in the New!

 

[MelissaSue]

Coming from a girl whose "Deadline" was missed 4 or 5 times.. let me assure you.. it SUCKS.. but now looking back on it.. it didn''t matter in the long run.. Yes.. it was dissappointing, and at times I wondered if he''d ever stop disappointing me.. but it wasn''t because he didn''t want to get married, it was just, like someone else said, he didn''t really understand that he couldnt just walk into the jewelry store with a diamond and walk out with a ring the same day.. And no matter how much you tell them it takes weeks, they don''t really "get it".. but.. now we are engaged.. (for what seems like forever now.. its been about 14 months!) and all that waiting is all in the past.. So.. while it might be a miserable couple weeks, or months.. it WILL be ok in the long run.

 

[MissAva]

NYtempist- You are a strong and lovely woman. I have faith that you will find your true path, with or without your significant other.

 

[fatafelice]

Nytemist: I agree with the others that you should try and wait until after New Years to get upset, but I also know that is easier said than done! I really thought my BF was going to propose on Christmas (all me, hesaid nothing about it) and when that didn''t happen, it was reallt hard for me not to get upset with him -- even though it was all in my head! Having an actual deadline must make it so much harder.

When it comes down to it, if New Years passes and it doesn''t happen, only you can decide what you should do. Personally, if my BF missed a deadline that he had set, I would let him know that I was upset, but give him another chance. But that is only because I know how he is and I also know that he does want to spend the rest of his life with me and it will happen eventually. If several deadlines were broken, it would be time for a closer look.

But that is just me...you have to follow your heart.

 

[LAJennifer]

Date: 12/30/2005 3:36:15 PM
Author: Matatora
NYtempist- You are a strong and lovely woman. I have faith that you will find your true path, with or without your significant other.

ditto.

 

[appletini]

My FI set and passed 4-5 deadlines too, but it finally happened. I''m not saying give him the benefit of the doubt, but if you truly feel in your heart that he is the one and that he is truly willing to ask you to be his bride, then tough it out a little longer. This year was very hard for me too, but I knew that I had to stick it out long enough to walk away with no regrets if it came to that. You know what is best for you, and you need to remember that you will always be #1.

 

[sluke]

Hang in there! There is still time. Give him a month or so grace time...he may try to throw you off, so you''ll be surprise.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 12/30/2005 3:36:15 PM
Author: Matatora
NYtempist- You are a strong and lovely woman. I have faith that you will find your true path, with or without your significant other.

May this be a gift to all LIW for the New Year.

Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. Sometimes it''s best to stick with it. Sometimes it''s best to move on. BUT - don''t cling to a plan that may or may not be on the same page.

 

[Mara]

I almost feel bad for the guy. Sacrilege I know in the LIW department...but I hope that if he doesn't propose on NYE and when he turns to you at the stroke of midnight and says Happy New Year, you do not say Happy Broken Promise!

The other gals have said that their guys missed a few deadlines so all hope is not lost, I will also say as I have said before that the guy HAS to be ready and on his timeline for comfort, and no badgering from the gal will make it any easier or quicker IMO...in fact sometimes I think that too much may even turn the guys the other way, aka is this what I have to look fwd to for the rest of my life??

Greg had an odd idea about marriage that it would change our relationship...I think that many guys may have that kind of odd fear or uncertainty, esp if they have never been married before. The male psyche is a mystery to most women.

So I would say don't be cynical today OR tomorrow, and if he misses it, don't beat him about the head with your purse at the stroke of mdnight. He just may not be ready. And you will have to accept that until he is, you will continuously be frustrated with every weekend or event that passes without a proposal. I would try to turn that into a more positive feeling somehow...it has to be weighing on you? Your last post was about having a non-merry Xmas if he didn't propose. Now it's a bitter New Year. You're going to give yourself an ulcer, girl!

Deep breaths!!

 

[blodthecat]

Mara''s advice is spot on.

LIfe is full of dissapointment, but how we deal with it is what matters.

Things happen in the ''fullness of time'' not because we force it.

Don''t apply any pressure. Enjoy your time together, and let things unfold.

best wishes Blod

 

[MissAva]

I am hoping all went well, but either way we miss you and I hope you will post again soon!

 

[FireGoddess]

I too have been thinking about you in the past few days, wondering how it went and hoping that the answer is ''well!'' But if it''s not, we''re here for you! *hugs*

 

[snogirl17]

Nytemis, I really hope you return to us with good news! or return to us either way... I have been following your posts and i really wanted to see your good news on here.. and if i am lucky i still will!

 

[nytemist]

I thank you all for the kind words, thanks for reminding me of my strength. I need it.

Of course, it didn''t happen. 95% of me was sure it wouldn''t just because of how he is- major procrastinator and only puts his all into things if he REALLY wants to.

Breakdown of NY:

I get to the hotel first, check in and since I''m waiting for him I have time to go to one of the First Night vendors in the Common to get some fried dough (horrible I know, but can''t resist) I come back to the hotel, 5 mins later BF knocks. I let him in and he says, "So, ready for a great evening of drinking and fun?" I say sure, what do you have planned? He just smiles (had me thinking maybe) We hang out in the room for a a little while, stand out on the balcony (22nd floor) then trek out to deal with the crowds. Since we hate walking through the revelers, we walk back to Copley Sq through the South End section to go to our fav dive bar, the Pour House. It was actually pretty empty (it was only around 6) I figured it would be busy since the grand procession started in that area. We sit drinking and eating for the first hour or so, talking about casual stuff, family, music, TV, all that. The bar got busier, the manager of the place started walking around asking people their NY resolutions. I sat there hoping he didn''t ask me and he didn''t -whew.

BF then turns to me and asks, "so, what are your resolutions/goals for this year?" I say to build my life. He kind of frowned at me, then smiled and asks "do you want to know mine?" I say well, not sure I want to, seeing how your goals for this year turned out. Which sounded kind of bad but I was pretty ticked- and was on my 3rd drink by this point so the tongue was getting loose. He calmly says "yes I know I was supposed to propose by the end of the year, I didn''t forget. I already have the money but just didn''t get the ring in time." I look at him and tell him- you had a year. If you really had no intention of actually doing it, you should have never told me that. I took you seriously, but apparently it wasn''t a big deal to you. He had no response to that. For the next couple of hours we drank more, talked about more little stuff, watched tv, watched one of the bar staff dance on the bar, watched another guy stand on a chair and declare to the whole place that he wanted to start his NY with his future wife and proposed to his girlfriend (she was shocked and in tears) BF decides to either be oblivious or a jerk and say ''that''s so nice''.

I turn and look at him. He says, "yes, I know it''s supposed to be us, but..." At this point I tell him to just be quiet on the topic before he really made me turn b*tch. Time gets fuzzy, since the drinks are cheap and strong, I asked for the bill and charged it, nearly fell off my barstool, so I knew it was time to go. I can''t remember most of the walk back to the hotel, but I know he kept saying sorry and don''t leave. Got back to the room, he sat down on the bed and passed out. I stayed up to see the countdown and remember going out on the balcony to watch the fireworks. It was cold, it was snowing and I know I was drunk and upset, I realize standing on a balcony was not the smartest thing to do at the time.

Next morning, I was slow to get up since I didn''t sleep too well. He wakes up, cuddles with me and says happy new year. I say sure. He asks what''s wrong. I tell him I''m disappointed. For the past year part of me was hoping that we finally would be a team and be able to put ideas on the table for what we want our future to be. To have that good feeling of truly sharing a bond and facing whatever comes at us together. That''s has been taken out from under me and this NY was a big changing day for me. I hoped that if you made that promise to me last year, you meant it. The question now is did you not mean it but said it to keep me around, or did you decide it''s not what you wanted? He says of course it''s what I want. I said it doens''t seem like it, because I feel lied to. Should I ask you and he said no, you can''t.

You know, it''s not even the ring. I could care less at this point. It''s the promise. That he went back on his word and it didn''t seem like a big deal to him that it hurt. Along with the other red flags I should have paid more attention to ( all the talks about the future that have gone nowhere really) this has really altered my way of thinking. I told him he should really figure himself out and if things are able to be fixed, we''ll talk. I haven''t talked to him since Sunday afternoon. Yet another up and down. Too many for me to count and I don''t know what I''m going to do.

 

[snogirl17]

I am so sorry! We are all here with you!
That is to bad that he let you down after a promise he had made to you and sorta acted like you should have expected it not to happen... even though you sort of did.. but still... you were maybe hoping that he would totally shock you and keep his promise.. i am sorry... Thank you for letting us all know, again we are all here for you!

 

[Erin]

HUGS

I''m sorry you had to watch another''s proposal on this day. I would and do feel the same.

 

[SoonIHope]

Ohhh, I''m sorry nytemist!! That is very disappointing. Do you think it''s possible that he''ll get into gear soon? Even though he clearly is having trouble following through on his promise, it sounds like he really IS intending to do it, so I hope he gets to work on it ASAP and the two of you will be able to put all this behind you and you can forgive him for letting you down! Good luck either way though!!! And have faith that whatever ends up happening will ultimately be for the best!!!!!

 

[AmberWaves]

Oh nytemist, that''s just awful. I can''t imagine how you must have felt (well, a small part of me does, but not nearly the same). I''m sorry another chance fell through.

I think it''s for the best that you took your stand on it, though. If he really wants what he says he wants, let him show it. I mean, come on. Already had the money, but didn''t get the ring in time? That''s a bunch of crap.

If he cared about your feelings at all, he would never have said that, and just gotten his crud together and proposed- ring or no ring. I''m so sorry. Keep your hope up, though. We''re all here for you.

 

[caligal]

Nyme- I am so sorry you had this New Year!

I am so glad you talked to him about this and didn''t just hold it in as I think it is harmful to hold things from each other. I think you should focus on yourself right now- be around girlfriends who will listen and hold you up- and decide what you want at this point. We''ll support you no matter what here!

 

[FireGoddess]

I'm sorry to hear things didn't go as you had hoped. Ugh - the fact that someone else proposed to his girlfriend in the restaurant you were at is the pits. Just the ultimate in crapola. Your bf should have felt 2 inches tall at that moment. I get the feeling from your post that he really does love you and want to be with you, but the official act of getting engaged is not as important to him as it is to you. The problem is that he knows it's important to you but is still acting like a lazy, procrastinating butthead. If he truly has the money then he should've gotten off his arse and moved forward on the ring. Even if the ring wasn't done, a sweet heartfelt proposal with a confession that the ring has been commissioned but not finished would have been better than doing nothing.

I hope he gets his act together soon...for your own good I'm glad that you put your feelings out on the table. He needs to know that the broken promise has deeply affected you and that he should have spoken to you about it if it wasn't going to happen.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/3/2006 3:32:22 PM
Author: FireGoddess

I hope he gets his act together soon...for your own good I''m glad that you put your feelings out on the table. He needs to know that the broken promise has deeply affected you and that he should have spoken to you about it if it wasn''t going to happen.

I think it''s great, too, that she had a really frank discussion about her feelings on it...that can only help.

I recall, though, that he did tell her several weeks ago that he wasn''t going to be able to pull it off by year''s end and amended his timeline to this spring, I think. Whether or not that was acknowledged or accepted, it was conveyed.

In spite of that, I think it was indeed lame for him to say "I have the money, but didn''t get the ring in time." Saying "I didn''t get the ring in time" implies he was trying to have it for now or expected it to come through on time, and it didn''t. How can that be so if he already knew several weeks ago that "it won''t be until spring"?

I would have responded the same: "It didn''t come ''in time'' is a lousy answer. You knew you needed it before the end of the year." As she pointed out, he''s had a year to get his act together. Even if he didn''t have the money until the very end, he could have done the homework on finding out how long it would take to get the finished product from start to finish to avoid this happening.

Even though he did say it wouldn''t happen until spring, I don''t think they get that there''s a little piece of the hopeful in each of us that still hopes deferments are a ploy to retain the element of surprise, and that we can still be disappointed if it doesn''t happen even when they tell us it won''t.

What really would frost my cake, so to speak, is his seeming lack of comprehension at how disappointing this was. His expectation was "ok, let''s go have fun and drink" as though nothing were amiss.....as though there hadn''t been a major broken promise and major disappointment.

We all experience disappointments, and we all have to amend our timelines on given things, but my personal expectation in doing so is candor and frankness. If he had approached HER and said "look, I know I said year-end, but I can''t make it happen", I think that would be digestible. It seems, though, that he only grudgingly gave up that info after being put on the spot....I seem to recall it sounded like he wasn''t forthcoming about it.

I think I personally would be at quite a crossroads here. I''d worry about what this says for the future. Would I want to attach my future to a person who wants but cannot bring himself to act? Is this going to be a life-pattern? How will I feel if, when we ARE a team, he doesn''t work hard toward our common goals?

I''m sorry for your disappointment, and I hope things work out as you wish them to.

 

[princessv]

Oh nytemist! I just wanted to add my support for you! I am so sorry things didn''t turn out well and I really do understand you coming from 3 missed deadlines. What I think is truly awesome about you is that you told him exactly how you felt. I think too often guys really don''t realize how important getting engaged is.

Please keep us updated and you''ll always have someone to listen to you here!

 

[larussel03]

I''m so sorry that things didnt go the way that you were hoping that they would. Maybe he really did think that he just had to get his $h&* together this year, rather than doing the whole proposal deal....

I was talking to my bf about his friend who got engaged xmas eve and he said if he had any pressure from me at all (besides the teasing evil eye I give him when we meet someone engaged, he knows I''m kidding...heh, not really lol) he''d keep on waiting, b/c he''d know that I was pressuring him, so obviously I''d say yes, but that if I were giving him a hard time, he''d keep waiting until he could legitimately surpise me. I guess that his friend''s now fiance said that if she hadnt been pressuring him then it would have come sooner... That seems to be guy logic, I guess.