Weight

[Jambalaya]

Exactly, Kenny. I wondered the same thing myself.

Molly - to be clear, no one has filed for divorce yet. The three husbands have left their wives. One gave her about thirty seconds' notice. Another friend had major issues in her marriage because of this issue, and two others have husbands who make it very clear to them that any weight gain will NOT fly.

Calliecake, the people involved are all in their late forties and these are all first marriage of approx 15 years' standing.

Milly, I read a few things about women being the ones to file for divorce...I read that a couple can be on the rocks but the husband drags his feet even if it's mostly his fault, like multiple affairs, because divorce will often cost him more. So even if the marriage break-up was instigated by the men or by their behavior, the women still end up filing so they can get whatever their share of the assets is and move on with their lives. I think this explains at least some of the disparity regarding which gender files.

 

[Jambalaya]

My stance on this topic is that people are the same person inside whether they're heavy or not. For me, sexual attraction is heavily character-dependent.

But apparently not everyone feels this way.

 

[kenny]

My stance on this topic is that people are the same person inside whether they're heavy or not. For me, sexual attraction is heavily character-dependent.

But apparently not everyone feels this way.

I certainly don't.

To me, sexual attraction is 78.214% physical.
The rest is not physical.
There are many other things that make a person attractive or not attractive in the non-physical way ... intelligence, honesty, kindness, blah blah blah, ad infinitum.
But we were talking about sexual attraction.

Yes sexual is not the only important kind of attraction when it comes to deciding whom you will get closer to.
Lots of sexually attractive guys I'd never bother with, after I hear them open their mouth.

I've no clue how it is for others.
One thing about me is I accept that I accept what comes naturally to me.
To many, that makes me a bad person.
Religions are great at convincing people to make their natural selves their enemy.

 

[PintoBean]

Maybe this is a biological reaction where the man's instinct is to seek out a younger, fitter mate to procreate with.

 

[kenny]

Maybe this is a biological reaction where the man's instinct is to seek out a younger, fitter mate to procreate with.

Definitely.
I've heard it said that humans are no more meaningful than DNA's way of making more DNA.
Makes sense, each of us dies.
But, if you reproduce, your DNA goes on ... perhaps forever.

That said, I think we should be better than dogs breeding in the alley.

 

[missy]

These women are better off without these men. I am with Jordonybass. I love my dh even more now than when we first met and fell in love because I really know him. And to me he is even more handsome because I see who he really is. And I know the same holds true for him. As we get older superficial beauty fades and if that is what held the couple together in the first place (or one half of the couple) then it is surely going to be a problem. What is truly beautiful is character.

Just to address physical appearance for a moment-it is important in the sense that romantic relationships require sexual attraction, chemistry and affection. In that sense yes one cannot dismiss and should not dismiss the role physical beauty plays in relationships. But as we grow together in a relationship it is the beauty of their character (to me) that becomes inherently the more critical factor in a mate. Kindness, integrity, humor, intelligence, honesty, trust, compassion, to name a few.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and while yes many of us can (somewhat at least) objectively agree yes that person is beautiful it is only when we really get to know them can we definitively say yes that person is a beautiful individual and really mean it apart from their physical beauty. I am not knocking physical beauty. I am knocking these men who say they left their wives because they lost their physical beauty. That shows their character and I say (without being flip) those wives are better off without men like them.

Jambalaya sending good wishes to your friends. I wish them healing and a happy future. No doubt what they are going through is very challenging, sad and they are experiencing a traumatic loss. With time I hope they realize how much better off they are without these men and I hope with time their life is happy and fulfilled and they are content and at peace.

 

[Kbell]

Every relationship is different. As individuals, what we find attractive varies as does our definition of love. I highly suspect weight was not the only issue. Also, as a woman who's weight has yoyod from 118 - almost 160 at my highest (all from say age 30 till the present) on me this is a huge difference. I can say when I was heavier I was less into being physical/intimate/etc because I was not feeling good about myself. I didn't feel attractive/sexy. I'm 100% sure this affected my relationship in a negative way. I corrected the problem on my own through hard exercise and eating better. I actually initiated my divorce. Currently I am happy & confident where I'm at and it makes a difference in everything. Confidence is attractive for most people. Not being confident having the opposite effect.

My fiancé is fit - has been since I met him. He's gained a few pounds, nothing major... but he's noticed as well and it bothers him so we'll be eating better & be as active as possible. If anything major changed in him physically I would discuss it with him & make sure he was OK. Then I would come up with a plan to address the issue. I'm not physically attracted to overweight men. Period. Never have been. Just like I'm not attracted to short men. I'm not going to apologize or explain myself - it's just a fact. Just like I know my fiancé is not attracted to overweight women - If I were to gain a significant amount of weight I would expect it would be noticed and addressed in as loving a manner a possible. I'm not saying either of us would leave the other solely over that issue, I'm saying significant weight gain impacts your life & the way you behave and most often in a negative way. I want us happy & healthy. Physical attraction, intimacy, physical & mental health are very important to me in a relationship. It isn't the most important thing of course but I'd be a liar if I didn't say it IS important for me.

 

[LLJsmom]

I think those women whose husbands are treating them unkindly due to their weight should lose weight, look really hot and then dump their lame ass husbands. Who wants to live with someone who "thinks" they can constantly judge you. Not me.

 

[PierreBear]

Just curious...do you think those husband would change their mind if the weight gain was due to something out of the woman's control? If the weight gain was perhaps due to a medical issue like thyroid problems or perhaps a new medication they were on caused increased appetite? I think the first assumption is that weight gain is due to lack of disciplined of diet and working out but I wonder if only the end result of looking thin is what mattered in those relationships. I also wonder how much support the husband offered the wife to try and be healthier (work out together, go on a diet together, etc....). I'm sure feeling guilty or shaming a spouse would contribute to stress eating and worsen the problem. Catch 22?!

 

[telephone89]

I'm lucky I didn't marry one of these guys lol...Went from like 130 (at 5' to almost 200. On the backslide now, at 170. But I'll probably never be 130 again. I'm lucky that H and I are both working together to lose weight and get healthier.

I can imagine though, if you were initially attracted to someone who was thin and fit, and perhaps that was one of your shared interests (working out, eating healthy), and then a few years into marriage you/he stopped working out, started binging Netflix 24/7 (ahem totally not me) and eating McDs everyday, you'd feel it was a different person. You would have lost that shared interest, and even if it were a shallow relationship to begin with, there was still SOME sort of emotional connection; now it would be gone.
Only trying to look at it from the other POV. That said, tbh it sounds like these guys just want a hot trophy wife and now that she doesn't fit the bill, out with the old and in with the new.

 

[Kbell]

I think those women whose husbands are treating them unkindly due to their weight should lose weight, look really hot and then dump their lame ass husbands. Who wants to live with someone who "thinks" they can constantly judge you. Not me.

I agree 100%. There is never a reason to treat your partner who you are supposed to love unkindly. I would never & could never put up with someone watching what I ate & commenting etc etc. Who could live like that or want to?

If my future husband gained a significant amount I would have a loving conversation with him. I would encourage him to do the things we love to do which is outdoor activity. We love kayaking, hiking, camping, snow sports... I run & walk a lot which he doesn't like but he likes mountain biking so I'd encourage more of that. Yes sometimes medications and other health issues cause weight gain but that would be known and I would like to think a loving spouse would be supportive and do what they could to help. I love cooking so I try to make healthyish dishes. Don't get me wrong, I make a mean home made pizza, but at least I KNOW what's in it.

In many cases it's not just the weight that changes. It's the lifestyle & attitude along with it. If my active partner stopped doing active fun things with me, had a bad or depressed attitude all the time without trying to change for the positive, stopped wanting intimacy with me, etc - there would be problems and not only about the weight gain. It all ties together...

 

[redwood66]

Every relationship is different. As individuals, what we find attractive varies as does our definition of love. I highly suspect weight was not the only issue. Also, as a woman who's weight has yoyod from 118 - almost 160 at my highest (all from say age 30 till the present) on me this is a huge difference. I can say when I was heavier I was less into being physical/intimate/etc because I was not feeling good about myself. I didn't feel attractive/sexy. I'm 100% sure this affected my relationship in a negative way. I corrected the problem on my own through hard exercise and eating better. I actually initiated my divorce. Currently I am happy & confident where I'm at and it makes a difference in everything. Confidence is attractive for most people. Not being confident having the opposite effect.

My fiancé is fit - has been since I met him. He's gained a few pounds, nothing major... but he's noticed as well and it bothers him so we'll be eating better & be as active as possible. If anything major changed in him physically I would discuss it with him & make sure he was OK. Then I would come up with a plan to address the issue. I'm not physically attracted to overweight men. Period. Never have been. Just like I'm not attracted to short men. I'm not going to apologize or explain myself - it's just a fact. Just like I know my fiancé is not attracted to overweight women - If I were to gain a significant amount of weight I would expect it would be noticed and addressed in as loving a manner a possible. I'm not saying either of us would leave the other solely over that issue, I'm saying significant weight gain impacts your life & the way you behave and most often in a negative way. I want us happy & healthy. Physical attraction, intimacy, physical & mental health are very important to me in a relationship. It isn't the most important thing of course but I'd be a liar if I didn't say it IS important for me.

I think we are identical twins separated at birth. My DH is the same as your fiance and I love him for it.

I agree with everyone else that your friends are much better off without these men though it hurts so terribly at first to have been told this is the reason they are being left. You sound like a lovely friend who cares deeply and only wants the best for them. I hope they can find all the happiness they deserve but am glad they have you as a friend.

 

[monarch64]

Kbell, I'm totally with you on being attracted to a certain type. I like very tall, large-framed men. My first husband was that. My second husband was more slight. And that bothered me deep down. I didn't leave him because of that, but it didn't help matters. My first love, and someone with whom I'll always remain friends, is 4 inches shorter than me. It bothered both of us to the extent that we knew we'd never be together. I am very tall, and there are a lot of men who prefer more petite women. Oh, well. What I'm saying is that we all have our biases.

I think a lot of times people get married for superficial reasons. All their friends are getting married, their peers and families are making noise about it being time to settle down and start a family of their own, people are getting engaged with expensive rings and planning beautiful weddings, and it's all over social media and Pinterest and The Knot, etc. There is a ton of pressure from society and our cultures to choose a mate and go through all the rituals. I don't think people stop to consider whether they'll like each other in 10 or 20 years, regardless of what they look like or what state of health they're in. We change. Our interests change, our appearance changes, our friends change, our relationship changes. Unless you have a very strong foundation of friendship and trust first, those changes are difficult and sometimes impossible to weather.

In my case, and I didn't realize it until it was too late, my husbands were in a hurry to get married for a lot of reasons. I wasn't. They both relentlessly pursued me and wouldn't give up until I said yes. That's not me tooting my own horn; it's just how it was. Looking back I recognize it now. Neither of them really, truly loved me. They certainly loved the idea of me and what I represented about THEM, and how I made THEM appear to others. I was a bandage to cover their insecurities. I think this happens to a lot of people, especially women. And when some women change and no longer make the man feel secure...here we are in a thread like this, wondering wth happened.

 

[Austina]

I think it's really sad that these men are using weight as the issue. They're making their wives feel awful, inadequate and unattractive, when the truth is, they're probably going through a midlife crisis and thinking 'the grass is greener'.

One of my friend's ex-husband constantly undermined her looks (she's gorgeous, got a great bod, big boobs) which made her feel totally worthless. It was all done to isolate her from her friends and make her dependent on him. Fortunately, she got away from him, but it's really affected her. I would always tell her how great she looked when we went out together.

Do any of us look the same as we did when we first met our partners? I don't, I was 19 and weighed practically nothing. 38 years later, I'm heavier, and time and diminishing hormones are taking their toll.

Just asked DH if he'd ever think about leaving me if I got heavier, he was horrified I'd even ask.

 

[House Cat]

This is such a loaded subject for me. I hope I can portray my feelings correctly when I write this. I will need to preface this with a statement, the criticisms that I point toward myself are not projected on to other people, not ever. I have been asked by people, "if you feel this way about yourself, then what do you think of me?" Well, I think you're incredibly beautiful, so much more beautiful than me.

I have always been rail thin. There have even been times in my life when my weight looked a bit alarming because I would get too thin. I ate, a lot. I ate more than anyone I knew. I was just thin.

When I was young, I would be paraded in front of family members and everyone would compliment me on how thin I was. My weight was a constant sticking point of conversation throughout my whole life.

I got together with my son's father when I was 14. We were together, off and on for 12 years. His message to me was, "if you gain weight, I will leave you." He was 300 pounds at times. His normal weight was around 275 pounds. I am no longer with him.

The cliff notes version is that so much of my self worth is tied into my appearance and weight. The screwed up thing is, I've gained weight due to being over 40 years old and to taking meds. So now, instead of being a size 0, I am a size 6 or a size 4 and I am besides myself. I think my husband will leave me any day now because I am a fat slob. I weigh myself everyday and if I have lost a pound or two, I feel happy. If I haven't, or if I have gained, I am very sad. The voice in my head will tell me today is the day he will leave.

Here's the thing, my husband says I'm beautiful. I don't believe him. My logical mind says my size is totally acceptable. I don't believe it.

I have a friend who had a boyfriend leave her because she gained weight. She fell down some stairs and sprained both of her ankles and was on the couch for six months. Of course she gained some weight, but that was enough for him and he left.

I have another friend who is in a marriage that is highly abusive when she gains weight. Her weight fluctuates wildly from about 125 pounds to over 200 pounds. There is also a huge amount of stress in this marriage. Her husband is in two high risk, deadly jobs that take him away for very long periods of time. She eats to soothe. When he comes back and she's overweight, he won't come near her. There are also times when he will give her the silent treatment for months at a time. Then, she turns around and projects all of that hurt onto her kids in the form of anger. There have been times when she has lost the weight and everything seems fine again in their relationship. Inevitably, she puts it back on. She has expressed that she doesn't want to be seen as an object. When your husband literally says to you at your heavier times, "I want my trophy wife back"...you are an object.

Of course, when I was with that heavy man, I was an object too. I still carry those messages around. I feel unlovable because of my weight.

I hate the subject of weight. I probably wish more than five times per day that it didn't exist at all.

 

[Ally T]

My little sister struggles with her weight. She was heavy when she got married, but since her only child was born 2 years ago, she has put on almost 40lbs. Her husband (of only 4 years) is often telling her that she's let herself go & she no longer takes care of herself. She has, and she doesn't. She is uncomfy with her size, so she makes no effort with her appearance, which sort of exasperates it & makes her feel down. But with her husband, it genuinely seems to be coming from a good place. She has had health issues & as a result of her weight, developed an irratic heartbeat, flushes etc. He is concerned for her but he approaches it all wrong. She escaped over to mine last Saturday afternoon for wine after he had nagged her, but eventually she saw rationale & agreed with me that he is genuinely worried about her because he loves her & he wants her to be healthy & live a long life with him.

I don't believe he would ever leave her over it though. Those men are just using weight as an excuse & are clearly superficial, image conscious bastards who put appearance over love, marriage & family.

 

[Austina]

Oh @House Cat I feel so desperately sad reading your post. I used to be stick thin when I was young, people used to tease me that I looked like a famine victim.

I know there is nothing that any of us can say that will change your perception of the way you look. I have reached a point in my life where I have accepted that I'm no beauty, or that I will ever be thought of as thin, but that's ok. I really hope that you will find peace and acceptance, because that is when you will find happiness.

 

[cmd2014]

Perhaps the issue really is who your friends chose as partners.

Many spouses love and support each other through devastating physical illnesses or accidents that result in irreversible physical changes. Many spouses love and support each other through the natural progression of old age. Many spouses love and support each other through weight gains and losses whether related to self-discipline or to underlying medical issues. Many spouses see their spouse as being so much more than just a sexual object whose only role is to be attractive, and instead see them as kind, funny, smart, accomplished, witty, interesting, and a partner in all ways in life, and see the inner beauty rather than focusing on the shallowness of the external.

But many women (especially those who take on traditional gender roles in life) only see their worth as being attached to their physical appearance, and they end up with partners that only see them that way too. And then they tolerate the demeaning comments about the food they eat, the size of their a$$, and their need for Botox and face lifts and tummy tucks and boob lifts, etc., where more self-confident women who value themselves for other things would have sent those men packing long before marriage and children and entwined lives came along. I think when you start seeing your own currency as being attached to other things besides physical appearance, you demand that others do too.

That said, look at how many wealthy older men seem to need trophy wives on their arms, and take every opportunity to trade up to a younger, newer model every 15 years or so, and how many women allow it.

 

[sonnyjane]

Do people really divorce for a weight gain of 40-60 lbs over quite a few years of marriage?

My stance on this topic is that people are the same person inside whether they're heavy or not.

The first thing I will say is that 40-60 pounds of weight gain is quite dramatic, especially with the heights you listed for your friends. 10 to even 20 pounds is different than 40 to 60, not just in appearance but in health, although being even 20 pounds over weight can cause health problems (I know because I'm currently in the process of getting back down to my healthy weight.)

When I got married I was 5'7" and 155 pounds. Over the last 9 years I had gained (at my worst) 25 pounds, as I was 180. With regards to your second point that people are the same on the inside whether they're heavy or not, I really don't think I am! At that heavier weight I was uncomfortable with myself and therefore not my typical happy, confident self. I was having joint problems associated with the extra weight, not as energetic, etc. I'm down to about 165 and would love to lose another 5-10 pounds to get back to where I used to be. My husband hasn't ever told me to lose weight, but I know that I am PERSONALLY happier when I am a healthy weight and when I am happy and confident rather than depressed, it can only benefit a relationship.

I'm not saying that the delivery of their message was appropriate (leaving a marriage without notice), but I do think that a large fluctuation in weight can be a justified reason to lose attraction.

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks to everyone.

House Cat, big hugs to you ((((House Cat)))))

And thanks, Redwood! I try to be there for my friends, and I don't talk in absolutes to them as that's not helpful and I don't know everything. So I don't say "Move on!" or "It must be about something other than the weight" - because how would I know? So I just try to be comforting but it's hard to know what to say. I have some experience of divorce, being divorced myself, and I remember how hurtful it was when the complexity of my situation was so minimized. I was very hurt when others were extremely quick to tell me to divorce - I'd think, "Wait up - this is my whole life and future we're talking about here!" Some people couldn't throw my marriage in the garbage fast enough, even when we'd been broken up very recently, so I try not to do that to them.

One friend who I'm very close with says her husband has tried everything with her weight over the years - tried being supportive, tried keeping his mouth shut, gym memberships, the works, and he insists strongly that the weight is the only thing that is wrong, and that he is completely miserable and unhappy and cannot live like this. That's how unhappy her size makes him! Apparently he says that he would have no problem if she had a disease or a disfiguring accident but the weight is within her control.

To me, this is judgmental. Do we really live in a society where doing your utmost to remain attractive is now required, or else the spouse leaves? I know that my friend hasn't felt ready to lose the weight yet the ways that his true feelings would come out didn't help at all. (No sex, silent treatment, etc.)

The other friend, there were also some issues that were kid-related. Her husband joined a gym, lost a ton of weight, and found some new women. Yeah, dating websites. He goes to the gym every day and posts fat-shaming stuff on his FB page. The third husband also joined a gym, got really into it, and my friend is convinced he had an affair.

And both those friends are at home taking care of their two kids each, while the men are chiseling themselves in the gym and meeting new women!!! Since all this happened, it's come out with other friends about issues in their marriages due to weight, although they're still together and over it, sort of.

I have seen all these relationships from the start, attended their weddings, and they were all so in love. And also, these marriage break-ups are NOT who I'd have thought, either. I know two other very abusive marriages (cousin was one) and they're still together and presenting a united front to the world! The men who have left over the weight seemed like good men. They did not set off my bad-man radar at all, all those years ago. They were really in love with their wives. Do good men really leave over their wives' weight? As SJ said, the weight gain isn't insignificant, (one told me she was 200lbs at her heaviest, and around the five feet three/four mark) but we all thought marriage was meant to be a lifelong commitment! Otherwise, why say those vows? I understand about attraction but I'm really shocked at how far the husbands have gone, and how upset they are over the external appearance.

 

[tyty333]

And the irony in this to me is that most of my friends that have gone through divorce usually end up losing weight...

 

[sonnyjane]

And both those friends are at home taking care of their two kids each, while the men are chiseling themselves in the gym and meeting new women!!! .

There's no way to say this without offending at least some subset of our readers here, so I'll just dive right in and accept the consequences. I think the reality of the situation is in the sentence above I quoted. I think this is much more than just a number on the scale. This is all conjecture, since I don't know your friends or their marriages, but everyone wants to feel appreciated in their relationship. Taking care of children is a very important job, but you ALSO have to "take care" of your spouse, as in allotting quality time with just them as well. It's easy to form a fissure if the wife is staying home all day with the children while a husband is at home working. Some people have this system down without issue, others form resentment - the one that works resents the one that stays at home, while the one that stays home resents the one that doesn't have to stay with the kids all day.

It's healthy (and I'd argue ideal) for both parties in the marriage to have individual interests and friendships outside of the home. If your friends' husbands have continued to have those interests outside of the home but your friends have not, I can see them growing farther and farther apart. It's also important to have a romantic relationship with your spouse outside of the relationship with your kids as their parents. It may be WAY too late to repair the situation now, but I'd imagine that many years ago, there may have been a way to address this before it got to this point. Again, I don't think this is just 100% an issue of exactly how many pounds they weigh...

 

[Calliecake]

You are correct Tyty....the divorce diet.

Jambalaya, I think these men are going thru a midlife crisis. The are trying to recapture their youth and think the grass is greener on the other side. The thing is everyone has problems and baggage. You really just trade one set of problems for another. I believe these men wanted out of the marriage. Yes they may prefer their spouses weighed less but if they had a close loving relationship I have hard time believing they would be considering leaving them over weight.

House Cat, I wish I could give you a hug. I too put way too much importance on my weight. I've recently gained a little over 10 pounds and am miserable about it. In my mind I know a year ago I weighed to little but I honestly thought my figure looked much better. It's always a constant battle because I feel much better sbout myself the thinner I am. My husband never gives me a hard time about weight and I'm so grateful for that.

Sonny Jane, I remember reading somewhere that most couples who enter counseling should have done so years earlier. That there are years of resentments built up before they ever attend a session.

 

[derbygal]

How sad your friends are going through this. I would be crushed if my hubby mentioned my weight. I've recently lost 25 pounds for health reasons and need to lose another ten. I feel good having done it for ME. I really do wish your friends well. I know how much it can hurt being judged by weight. When I was in high school (5'7, 149 pounds) my dad told me I'd better lose weight or I'd never find anyone to love me. Like I was some kind of freak. I've never really gotten over that kind of shallow judgment.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Well, I've been home with my kids for ten years (they are seven years apart with a brief stint of working in between) and it is hard raising little kids and taking care of everything that goes along with that. It can be easy to skip the shower, wear pajamas all day and just pop the nearest most convenient snack to get the energy to keep going. My thought is that maybe (and I am not defending these men) the bigger issue is they are seeing their wives in a much less flattering light and they don't know how or don't want to handle it.

Some women are better at the balancing act than others, I know when my house looks spectacular it's at the expense of my eating well and exercising, seems I have all this time but something ends up suffering. It is easy for mothers to put everything else first and not have anything left for themselves.

Then the real irony is all that sacrifice and the husband goes, you're fat and I'm out

 

[Jambalaya]

Derbygal, how awful for you! Hugs xxxx

Two of the husbands do seem to be going through a midlife crisis. When I say at the gym, by the way, I mean that they go every day and have become obsessed. One did get a tattoo - a huge one, without talking to his wife! So the gym ones do show the signs of a midlife crisis.

Everyone says that it must also be something else, but what about the one who insists until he is blue in the face that the only issue is the weight, and my friend says it's true that he has been consistent on this issue for many years. He says he just can't live with it anymore, having tried to get her to lose weight for all that time. I guess he thinks he can go out and get lots of slim women or something, which is funny because he's no movie star himself.

Sonny, I agree with what you say, but we don't live in an ideal world and these women have children and jobs. Of course everyone should have time with their spouse alone and do new things together, but these are people raising families. One friend explained to her husband that the gym was not something that she enjoyed doing but she would like to go for hikes with him. He still went to the gym every day.

All these women are loyal, kind, caring, fun, and pretty. NONE of these men are very good-looking, by the way, and also are not rich. Just what are they expecting to find out there? Is the pull of sex with some "strange" really so very strong for some men that they throw their entire families on the scrapheap? They are amazing women, but because they don't have smokin' hot bodies, their husbands are treating them like the dirt on their shoe. I still can't really believe it. This has all happened since Christmas. It's hard to realize that marriage vows are so disposable for so many people. No one forces people to get married. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime!

StephanieLynn - I agree with everything you say. While I've never been a SAHM, and never will be, I feel quite protective of them because I think they get a bad rap from some and that it can be a thankless task. Not once, not ever, have I thought that it's an easy gig. You are never off-duty - you never know when you're going to have a disturbed night due to the childrens' nightmares or various sicknesses. The men never seem to consider that they can rest easy at work knowing the children are in the care of the other parent, and that he will not have to miss any meetings to pick up a sick child or ever have to stay home with one. Being a SAHM is a huge sacrifice and I'm just amazed how undervalued my lovely friends are by their partners. If these three couples do divorce, I'd like to think the men will regret it down the line.

 

[canuk-gal]

Jamba:

You have a lot invested in this. I appreciate that. I'll do my best not to preach to the choir.

Relationships are organic. They change from moment to moment--because of the people who populate them. Honestly, I am not the "same" person I was 6 months ago.

Some people are better at change--accepting change and dealing with change--than others.

I don't know your friends--but there seems to be a bais against letting go of things that don't work. Like unhealthy lifestyles. And yes, overeating and obesity is an unhealthy lifestyle. Full stop.

Is exercise, and healthy eating , and the benefits of the same, really awful? Please explain that to me because I don't believe it is superficial. And yes it is possible to meet people outside of work and home. Nothing surprising there. Or suspicious.

Judgement is a snapshot. One point in time. The relationships you describe are not snapshots--they are long term and you've described that. So they are organic and changing. But IMHO, the issue is that change, is difficult. It isn't easy to "love" or even accept, what has changed.

kind regards--Sharon

 

[sonnyjane]

All these women are loyal, kind, caring, fun, and pretty. NONE of these men are very good-looking, by the way, and also are not rich. Just what are they expecting to find out there? Is the pull of sex with some "strange" really so very strong for some men that they throw their entire families on the scrapheap? They are amazing women, but because they don't have smokin' hot bodies, their husbands are treating them like the dirt on their shoe. I still can't really believe it. This has all happened since Christmas. It's hard to realize that marriage vows are so disposable for so many people. No one forces people to get married. If you can't do the time, don't do the crime!

The desire to feel wanted is a very real thing. If a man feels underappreciated, the excitement of being wanted by someone else, even if they aren't as attractive, fun, intelligent etc. as their wife, can be overwhelming. As I said earlier, I'm NOT saying they went about it the right way, but if a woman devotes everything to her kids and doesn't value her husband, I can see how they would want to find other outlets. The RIGHT thing to do would be address it when it started happening, when the feelings began, but often in relationships it's easier to just suffer silently and resent your partner instead of confronting the issues. I repeat, I do NOT think they went about it the right way, but I can completely understand why they may have gone that route.

 

[Jambalaya]

SonnyJane: Re. the feeling wanted, yeah, I know. It's so sad that the two husbands who had affairs didn't communicate with their wives. They should have sat them down and said, in the strongest possible terms, how unwanted and unloved and neglected they were feeling. Well, really here I'm speaking about the one whose husband complained (after he cheated) that she put the kids first. But in that marriage he also said she had "let herself go" and weight etc was a huge part of it. Get this - she's lost about 20 pounds through all the stress, and he said how good she looks when he came to pick up the kids. Yeah, through heartbreak! Oh yes....this husband walked out on her and their children ten days before Christmas!!!

I'm sure my friends made mistakes in their marriages. I'm just goggle-eyed at the kind of treatment that's been meted out to them. No one deserves this. It seems that the "punishment" far, far outweighs the "crime." Oh yes - and none of the husbands seem very sorry, either! It may be hard to believe, but these were good marriages between two good people, once. That's why I'm so stunned about it all. When my cousin's husband started abusing her, it was the opposite of a surprise. He'd so clearly been just horrible from day one. Not so with these men. But now, the impression I get is that they feel VERY entitled to good sex with as attractive a woman as they can find, and that nothing is going to get in their way.

Just realized how much that sounds like a midlife crisis. What's with the sense of entitlement, though?

In the good old days, when we were all single, when a friend had a breakup we'd have dried her eyes and taken her out dancing and consoled her with thoughts of the prince that was out there for her who would love her enough to promise forever. (We were young.) It's a bit different now, with husbands, families, and mortgages.

 

[Calliecake]

Jamabayla, Another thing to consider is these men may not be being honest with their wives at all. Years ago one of my closest friends husband announced one Sunday that he wanted a divorce. He packed up some things and left. She said she had no idea why and thought he was just depressed and they would work thru it. The reality was he was seeing another woman for years and this woman was pregnant. She didn't find out the truth until the day they divorced.

Sharon is correct all people grow and change. I think its unrealistic to think people stay the same person they were years earlier. Your life experiences mold and change you too, especially if you are dealing with tough issues.