Using the word "family" as a prefix

[YadaYadaYada]

I hate in the middle of the night (so you don't turn the light on) you sit down ....and your leg goes shooting out from under you and your now cold bottom lands on unlided porcelain

Omg the visual of this!

I have nearly fallen in more than once but I was thinner then, there is one benefit to carrying some extra junk in the trunk, it keeps you from falling in the loo!

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I guess it IS kind of a funny comment, now that you put it that way, Joelly!

Daisy, I have definitely thought about saying the infertility/miscarriage thing, but I'm kinda private that way.

It's entirely possible that I'm just being over-sensitive. Maybe it's partly because social media has created a platform for some parents to go really over-the-top with the baby-bragging, and I've definitely got a little tired of it in the past. Some people just never stop!

You know i was thinking how she said she was going to stay home that weekend and cuddle the baby
Its a pity she said that in a way to score one upmanship aganist you because it could have been the sweetest most contended thing for any parent to ever say with love in their heart - because the way i was modicodled i know my mother would have just wanted to stay home and cuddle me
(Too bad im the anti cuddle child in my family)

- just because i don't want kids doesn't mean im anti family,
one of the things my other half and loved to do in the summer in Wellington was go to Titahi bay beach and watch all the families playing together

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Daisy, I also had a ton of baby pressure when I was younger and married. It was awful. I can't believe the things people feel free to say. Either people don't want kids, in which case they're really annoying the woman with their remarks, or they can't, and they're really hurting them. Some people ache and ache and ache for a baby and can't have one, and I think it's commoner than people realize. It's astounding to me that people aren't careful. And to go on about your "family" dinners and "family" days out - had that one, too - to someone who's divorced and childless and past childbearing age...SMH. I can't imagine being that insensitive.

I often think if people put as much thought into having kids as those of us who are childless by choice put into the reasons why we don't have kids there would be no unwanted children in the world
It must be even more heartbreaking for a childless person aching for children to read of the horrible awful things that happen to some children
I don't want children and i cry and cry over some poor baby in the news, lying in ICU with brain damage and broken bones while the family cover up and refuse to cooperate with police

One thing this world is short on is kindness
It costs nothing to be kind to others
that's something that parents should be teaching their children

lucky your cousin's children have you to learn that from

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Omg the visual of this!

I have nearly fallen in more than once but I was thinner then, there is one benefit to carrying some extra junk in the trunk, it keeps you from falling in the loo!

Unfortunately (for me) i know just what you mean
thanks for the laugh
i really needed it

 

[Elizabeth35]

You may not like my response and I respect that. But I would recommend the policy of taking no offense if none is intended. She may simply be clueless. I don't know your relationship with her and she may or may not be deliberately shoving anything in your face.
'Family dinner" may be a way of saying they are eating as a family that night and that time is not to be interrupted with texts or calls. Perhaps weekdays are busy with work, kids after school activities and homework and sports. So some nights when they have dinner together--it is 'family time'. Just as you may have time with a friend or partner, busy families may allocate time as family time that is sacred to them. They are not perhaps making any judgment, they could simply be making time for their family that is not interrupted--and that's a good thing.
Now--how they communicate that is up to interpretation. It should be done politely and respectfully.

Family bathroom--well, who knows what that means.
But if you value this person, you could have a direct convo with her.

 

[JPie]

If I had a cousin like yours and she said she was staying home to cuddle the baby, I probably would’ve responded, “Good luck with that.”

My dislike of children is palpable. No one in their right mind would ever try to rub my childlessness in my face.

 

[Jambalaya]

FYi, in case it wasn't clear, it's the bathroom in her house that she refers to as the "family bathroom." There are also two en-suites, and a downstairs half-bath. I would just say "the main bathroom."

 

[Jambalaya]

Elizabeth - yes, you may be right. It's hard to know. I just know that this cousin has always been very competitive with me, so I think I hear a smugness in her tone - but again, I could be imagining that.

 

[Elizabeth35]

FYi, in case it wasn't clear, it's the bathroom in her house that she refers to as the "family bathroom." There are also two en-suites, and a downstairs half-bath. I would just say "the main bathroom."

I am in the US and I would call that the main bathroom. Semantics. Calling it the family bathroom is, to me, just implying it is the shared family bathroom. I would not take offense at that. But I am not in your position and don't know the person or the context.

 

[Jambalaya]

So true this.

We have just been blessed with a 9-month-old baby girl. We have tried for forever then we gave up trying. She came around when we gave up trying. She is a gem though but she is also still 9 months old

I tried to include what Kenny said, about some parents being jealous of non-parents' time etc., but it wouldn't paste.

It never occurred to me that any parent would be jealous of a non-parent. Parents are (usually) so happy. They describe having children in such a way that it truly sounds like paradise. They say they've never known such love, etc. I cannot imagine why any parent would want my life!

My main issue is that I don't like women being competitive with me over lifestyle stuff in general. I find it really petty, and I also resent having to put up with such crap just because I'm female. The only time the actual baby issue has upset me is when I read someone's comment online which said (paraphrasing) "I don't care how happy non-parents think they are: there is NO WAY your life is as fulfilling and meaningful as it would be if you had kids." She was absolutely adamant about it, and I found it very upsetting even though it wasn't directed at me. It was in an article. Perhaps I'll try and find it.

And since when did people become so competitive over who's happiest, anyway? This is all social media's fault, I'm sure. My parents and grandparents' generation didn't chase happiness - I think they expected life to be hard work and were grateful if they reached contentment.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

in my mind
family bathroom

 

[Jambalaya]

Daisy - ahahahaaa!

 

[Jambalaya]

I'm super-grateful for everyone's wise words and insights. I'm probably being over-sensitive, because a) this cousin is competitive and b) I'm only 80% OK with not having kids.

 

[Elizabeth35]

I tried to include what Kenny said, about some parents being jealous of non-parents' time etc., but it wouldn't paste.

It never occurred to me that any parent would be jealous of a non-parent. Parents are (usually) so happy. They describe having children in such a way that it truly sounds like paradise. They say they've never known such love, etc. I cannot imagine why any parent would want my life!

My main issue is that I don't like women being competitive with me over lifestyle stuff in general. I find it really petty, and I also resent having to put up with such crap just because I'm female. The only time the actual baby issue has upset me is when I read someone's comment online which said (paraphrasing) "I don't care how happy non-parents think they are: there is NO WAY your life is as fulfilling and meaningful as it would be if you had kids." She was absolutely adamant about it, and I found it very upsetting even though it wasn't directed at me. It was in an article. Perhaps I'll try and find it.

And since when did people become so competitive over who's happiest, anyway? This is all social media's fault, I'm sure. My parents and grandparents' generation didn't chase happiness - I think they expected life to be hard work and were grateful if they reached contentment.

Jambalaya---DH and I have 6 kids between us. Being a parent is the antithesis of paradise-lol.
It has joy and pain. Have I been envious of those who don't have kids--absolutely, at times. Do I love the kids--absolutely! I am happy with my choice and you should be happy with yours.
Your life is as fulfilling as mine--I guarantee that.
Kids are not the definition of happiness, simply part of the equation (if you choose). And it can be nieces and nephews or friends kids. Or your own, if you choose.
As far as people saying you are not 'fulfilled' without children---well, that is a judgment of small-minded people.

 

[MRBXXXFVVS1]

Would you consider letting her know how her comments make you feel, or would that just feed her smugness? You could also consider distancing yourself temporarily from her?

 

[Austina]

My experience has been that after the initial “when are you going to have a baby?” then came the “when are you going to have another?” Followed by the “how selfish to only have one” and “your child will be lonely/a spoilt brat”

People say all sorts of stupid and insensitive things, without giving any thought to how hurtful they are. I do think in some cases, there’s an element of oneupmanship or smugness, I have no idea why, they should keep their mouths shut and mind their own business.

We do say family bathroom in the UK to differentiate between that and an en-suite, and my interpretation of family dinner would also be a time when the family sat down together without interruption.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

People say all sorts of stupid and insensitive things, without giving any thought to how hurtful they are. I do think in some cases, there’s an element of oneupmanship or smugness, I have no idea why, they should keep their mouths shut and mind their own business.

Amen Austina!!!


@Jambalaya
They will always find something to compete about or lecture you on.


It's hilarious when you've got a good day and enough distance. I get asked by (educated, otherwise polite) people if I'll have more kids or if I'm "done" when they hear I have six kids. Usually during small talk/first encounter kind of situations.
My DH, interestingly gets asked 90% of the time "from the same woman? " as a direct reply when he says he's got 6 kids.

Imagine him asking a work acquaintance he's just met how many partners she's had. ..Talk about inappropriate...

So in the eyes of someone who WANTS to be judgemental/competitive/nasty you won't ever be right. Don't let it get to you.

 

[MarionC]

Elizabeth - yes, you may be right. It's hard to know. I just know that this cousin has always been very competitive with me, so I think I hear a smugness in her tone - but again, I could be imagining that.

Smugness feels like a sign of unhappiness. Maybe she doesn’t like herself?
I think if you are feeling it you are not imagining it.
As one who gets triggered a lot,
I’ve found that consciously feeling love for people who trigger me kinda fills in the real estate in my head and forces their naughty vibes out of my head. But my main defence is avoidance LOL

 

[MamaBee]

Smugness feels like a sign of unhappiness. Maybe she doesn’t like herself?
I think if you are feeling it you are not imagining it.
As one who gets triggered a lot,
I’ve found that consciously feeling love for people who trigger me kinda fills in the real estate in my head and forces their naughty vibes out of my head. But my main defence is avoidance LOL

That is so wise @Jimmianne...That’s hard for me to do...but I’ll work on it...I love this solution...I usually keep quiet and stew..

 

[jaaron]

I know family bathroom is used some in the UK, but if you're in the states, it kind of sounds like real-estate-agent speak to me, like she's parroting the sales brochure. I do use the term family dinner to my kids, as in, put your phone down, we're having a family dinner, but not to others. I'm not sure why she didn't just end the texting by saying they were about to have dinner and could she get back to you later. It does sound a little performative, so I can see why you found it off-putting.

I don't think you're being oversensitive, but I do think it sounds like a situation where your deep, unspoken doubts and insecurities collide with her deep, unspoken doubts and insecurities. You're mostly ok with not having kids, but you have some conflicts over it that you haven't shared with her. She loves having kids, but believe me, it's a certainty that she has conflicts about it. Both of you are trying to negotiate the relationship without letting the other know what's going on beneath the surface.

I think Jimianne is right, and I do wonder if you initiated a very honest conversation about how it makes you feel, whether you might be able to move on to a deeper, more real friendship.

 

[Jambalaya]

Would you consider letting her know how her comments make you feel, or would that just feed her smugness? You could also consider distancing yourself temporarily from her?

Oh, it would definitely feed the smugness! Yes, I usually distance myself - but I want to speak to the kids, and she's the gatekeeper.

 

[Jambalaya]

I know family bathroom is used some in the UK, but if you're in the states, it kind of sounds like real-estate-agent speak to me, like she's parroting the sales brochure. I do use the term family dinner to my kids, as in, put your phone down, we're having a family dinner, but not to others. I'm not sure why she didn't just end the texting by saying they were about to have dinner and could she get back to you later. It does sound a little performative, so I can see why you found it off-putting.

I don't think you're being oversensitive, but I do think it sounds like a situation where your deep, unspoken doubts and insecurities collide with her deep, unspoken doubts and insecurities. You're mostly ok with not having kids, but you have some conflicts over it that you haven't shared with her. She loves having kids, but believe me, it's a certainty that she has conflicts about it. Both of you are trying to negotiate the relationship without letting the other know what's going on beneath the surface.

I think Jimianne is right, and I do wonder if you initiated a very honest conversation about how it makes you feel, whether you might be able to move on to a deeper, more real friendship.

Very wise words, Jaaron. And when her mother died, we did get temporarily close, and she admitted that shutting others out all the time can get lonely. But then she went right back to her old competitive self. It's a pity. We were close as kids, but since we grew up ALL she's interested in is competing with me. She's a vrey good businesswoman so is quite competitive in general, I think. I'm much more laid-back than that. I don't care. If her life is "better" than mine, then good for her, I say! Guess we're just chalk and cheese. I just find the competing bit intensely irritating, because I'm quite zen and I have zero interest in competing with anyone.

 

[Jambalaya]

Kipari and Austina - omg, people actually say that stuff to you?? How rude! It's so funny how rude people are these days. A few decades ago there was something called "polite conversation" where it was socially unacceptable to be so rude and it was understood that certain topics were off-limits - one's fertility, money, and other deeply personal things. Today we all think those times were too stuffy - and they were, in all the ways that count - but I bet people wanted to punch each other a lot less after talking to each other!

 

[Jambalaya]

Jimmianne - such wise advice! Thank you!

Thanks so much for all the wonderful words here. I would like to reply more, but work calls.

 

[Laila619]

Amen Austina!!!


@Jambalaya
They will always find something to compete about or lecture you on.


It's hilarious when you've got a good day and enough distance. I get asked by (educated, otherwise polite) people if I'll have more kids or if I'm "done" when they hear I have six kids. Usually during small talk/first encounter kind of situations.
My DH, interestingly gets asked 90% of the time "from the same woman? " as a direct reply when he says he's got 6 kids.

Imagine him asking a work acquaintance he's just met how many partners she's had. ..Talk about inappropriate...

So in the eyes of someone who WANTS to be judgemental/competitive/nasty you won't ever be right. Don't let it get to you.

@kipari , that’s funny! My hubby gets asked if all the kids (5) are from the same woman too. People are odd.

 

[voce]

Many parents I know are doing "family dinner".
That means no cell phones and they actually talk to each other.
That includes the parents.
I don't know how old her kids are but that could be the reason.

You may not like my response and I respect that. But I would recommend the policy of taking no offense if none is intended. She may simply be clueless. I don't know your relationship with her and she may or may not be deliberately shoving anything in your face.
'Family dinner" may be a way of saying they are eating as a family that night and that time is not to be interrupted with texts or calls. Perhaps weekdays are busy with work, kids after school activities and homework and sports. So some nights when they have dinner together--it is 'family time'. Just as you may have time with a friend or partner, busy families may allocate time as family time that is sacred to them. They are not perhaps making any judgment, they could simply be making time for their family that is not interrupted--and that's a good thing.
Now--how they communicate that is up to interpretation. It should be done politely and respectfully.

Family bathroom--well, who knows what that means.
But if you value this person, you could have a direct convo with her.

I think if it was the case Karl_K and Elizabeth35 mentioned, that that time is not to be interrupted with phones, the cousin could have just not picked up in the first place. In fact, if that's the case it would be better for Jambalaya and for the cousin's family if she had not picked up the phone just to say "family dinner" and hang up.

My experience has been that after the initial “when are you going to have a baby?” then came the “when are you going to have another?” Followed by the “how selfish to only have one” and “your child will be lonely/a spoilt brat”

People say all sorts of stupid and insensitive things, without giving any thought to how hurtful they are. I do think in some cases, there’s an element of oneupmanship or smugness, I have no idea why, they should keep their mouths shut and mind their own business.

We do say family bathroom in the UK to differentiate between that and an en-suite, and my interpretation of family dinner would also be a time when the family sat down together without interruption.

I have an acquaintance who married a girl right after high school, and they had their first kid at age 20. Nowadays they are like early 30s, 5 kids already and she wants more. Financial situation: can't save up for anything because cost of living too high; they pay between $2000 to $3000 a month in groceries where they are living. All of their kids have to share bedrooms because there's no way they can afford to live in a bigger house, and it's "normal". My acquaintance couldn't finish a Master's degree because he had to provide for kids. He didn't go to his brother's wedding in Mexico because he couldn't afford it, all the money going to the kids. He and his wife's philosophy is, "let the older kids take care of the younger ones, less time looking after kids if they have playmates." My acquaintance says that the wife loves being pregnant. I think people like that are acting hormonally and high off pregnancy hormones.

I think having kids should be predicated on 1) your financial capabilities, 2) your willingness to spend the quality time needed to raise a decent human being, and 3) not having to make too many trade-offs you don't want to make, like giving up your dream career because it takes all you have to make ends meet. Besides that, there's fertility and chance involved when trying to conceive one. But going into it with the notion that "everything will work out no matter what if you have kids" is stupid.

It seriously seems that there are some people who see kids as trophies, the more the better, like you should be rewarded for bringing more people into the world, not for the difference you are making in the world. Quality is better than quantity; if you want to raise an upstanding kid who changes the world, you have to take the time and effort to invest into the individual kid, not let some of your kids bring up other kids. When you have too many to care for, the quality of life for each of your individual kids will go down.

I want to say to some people, "how selfish of you to procreate without consideration of the consequences." Overpopulation is a big problem, and there does come a point where every existing kid in your family will be worse off because another mouth to feed strains resources. If they're rich and don't have to worry about resources, then yes, it does come off as a little smug, as in "we're rich enough to be able to afford more kids than you." As for the argument "your child will be lonely/a spoilt brat", that's utter BS.

I was the only kid for 12 years until my parents had the financial resources to have another kid. If I was lonely, it was because my parents were hardworking immigrants who had to work hard to provide for me, and in the years of my childhood, them providing for another kid would have taken them away from having quality time with me more. I would've felt more lonely had they pampered a new baby and worked themselves to exhaustion to make ends meet. I am grateful my mom was able to give me piano lessons and books because she chose not to have another child for a while.

Being a spoilt brat is the personality of the child, and a spoilt brat with siblings is just a spoilt brat who bosses his or her siblings around. The mere fact of having another sibling has no effect on the brattiness of the child.

Jambalaya, I hope one day you'll learn to be 100% okay with whatever life brings you. Just brush off your cousin's "family" prefixes like the spittle that accidentally flies out when some people speak.

 

[Laila619]

@Jambalaya I wouldn’t take it personally. “Family” bathroom/“family“ dinner etc are probably just phrases she literally doesn’t even think about using.

 

[Austina]

@Jambalaya - yes, people actually said those things to me, without knowing the circumstances of why we had one child, which frankly, was none of their business. I told my MIL once when she was going on about SIL being such a wonderful mother that I had no intention of spending my life being a brood mare.

I actually had a horrible pregnancy, I was physically sick every single day right up until the last 3 weeks, and the delivery excruiating. I don’t regret having my DS but I didn’t/don‘t live my life through him, and as for people having lots of children and expecting the older ones to raise the younger ones, I can’t think of anything more selfish than to deprive a child of their childhood. I did know someone who had 8 children, she loved being pregnant but after they were born, didn’t have a lot of interest in them. Her eldest daughter said she never wanted to have any children because she’d spent so much of her childhood raising her siblings.

 

[GliderPoss]

I think we used the word "family" to imply all were involved ie. family dinner so everyone (maybe even extended family) is here and family bathroom is usually to distinguish it from say the private en-suite?

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Very wise words, Jaaron. And when her mother died, we did get temporarily close, and she admitted that shutting others out all the time can get lonely. But then she went right back to her old competitive self. It's a pity. We were close as kids, but since we grew up ALL she's interested in is competing with me. She's a vrey good businesswoman so is quite competitive in general, I think. I'm much more laid-back than that. I don't care. If her life is "better" than mine, then good for her, I say! Guess we're just chalk and cheese. I just find the competing bit intensely irritating, because I'm quite zen and I have zero interest in competing with anyone.

cousins can be an odd thing
we see so much of them as kids because of our parents relationships to their parents
then we may grow up and find that apart from being related we have zero im common
i was very close to my cousin growing up but nowdays there is a huge void between us ...and i don't even feel sad about it
its just one of those things