Using the word "family" as a prefix

[Jambalaya]

Ugh!! I was just messaging with a cousin who always seems intent on shoving my lack of kids in my face. She's always prefixing things with the word "family." Why??? I tried to call when she and her kids were having dinner, and she's all, "Sorry, we were having a family dinner." And she always mentions the "family" bathroom. When my parents were bringing us up, they were just bathrooms and dinners.

Maybe I'm just sensitive on this topic, but when people use "family" as a prefix unnecessarily, it makes me feel as if they're being really smug about having a family. But maybe they're not. Thoughts, anyone?

 

[kenny]

Ugh!! I was just messaging with a cousin who always seems intent on shoving my lack of kids in my face. ...

Tell her your carbon footprint stops stomping around when you die.

Hers can go on forever and eventually turn into a ZILLIION carbon footprints.
Having kids is the worst thing anyone can do to harm the planet.

Shove that in her face.

 

[Jambalaya]

My friends don't go on like that. They just say, "Sorry, we were having dinner."

This cousin has been trying to one-up me our whole lives, though. So perhaps I ma sensitive to what she says.

 

[Jambalaya]

Good plan, Kenny!

Except, I think she WANTS me to say somethign negative about having kids, because then she can go round telling everyone I don't like them. And she has three, whom I do like, so I don't want them hearing anything like that about their Auntie J. She's been wantng to catch me out like that forever. So I just limit my exposure to her. And then come on here!

 

[MsShnooks]

Is the cousin in the UK? A ‘family bathroom’ is a real expression. ’Family dinner’ isn’t, though.

 

[Ally T]

Is the cousin in the UK? A ‘family bathroom’ is a real expression. ’Family dinner’ isn’t, though.

Totally this. We only say 'family dinner' over here when it's like an organised affair with extended family etc. A 'family bathroom' is a main communal bathroom at home & also in shopping centres there are family bathrooms, where you can all sit together in a bigger room with more than one toilet & pee safely without the toddler chucking themselves down the nearest escalator.

Sounds like your cousin has issues & I totally get why you would be irritated by her behaviour.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Maybe she grew up with those terms and uses them with her own family? She probably doesn't realize it creates any hard feelings.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt, I don't think resorting to what Kenny suggested would be at all helpful or result in any positive outcome.

 

[whitewave]

It sounds churchy to me. Maybe at their church they want them to emphasize family? My first thought

 

[Tekate]

Well imho she is shoving it in your face, you can no react to it though. If this is all she did in life was reproduce then she is shallow. As a mom I know my family is important, but my family consists of those I love besides my sons etc. Don't let her make you feel less because life or your choices in life are not what what she chose. I really dislike people like this, a child free life is just as valuable as having kids. pffffft on her

 

[Tekate]

I think in the US we would say the public bathroom, maybe not.

Is the cousin in the UK? A ‘family bathroom’ is a real expression. ’Family dinner’ isn’t, though.

 

[redwood66]

I don't use the word "family" like that but I don't assume people who do are being cheeky about it either. Other people's hangups are theirs, not mine. @Jambalaya your worth is not determined by what your cousin thinks. Deciding not to have kids is a personal decision that is no one else's business. I would probably not try to assume the worst of your cousin since that only affects your wellbeing and not hers at all.

 

[joelly]

Yeah your cousin has issue. Her issue is having the 3 kids. She wants you to have kids so you will understand her misery.

I bet she loves having you around. That’s the only way she can have “adult” conversation. She just hates to admit that.

Hang in there.

 

[Karl_K]

Many parents I know are doing "family dinner".
That means no cell phones and they actually talk to each other.
That includes the parents.
I don't know how old her kids are but that could be the reason.

 

[marymm]

Perhaps she is also modeling for her kids how to respond to phone calls received during dinnertime?

 

[whatamilookingat]

My family used terms like "kids' bathroom" growing up. I had a friend who used to have "family day" when we were teens. It's just what they called certain days when she couldn't go out with friends because they were going to her grandma's. Maybe it's what she grew up calling things.

 

[nala]

My friend used to use the term family for a lot of common daily activities. I now realize it’s bc her hubby was never around (they are divorced as a result) and that was her way of making sure that he would prioritize said activities. When she used that term with me it was to communicate that he would actually be present.

 

[kenny]

Good plan, Kenny!

Except, I think she WANTS me to say somethign negative about having kids, because then she can go round telling everyone I don't like them. And she has three, whom I do like, so I don't want them hearing anything like that about their Auntie J. She's been wantng to catch me out like that forever. So I just limit my exposure to her. And then come on here!

Well, if you are on FB or TW you can post exactly what you just wrote.
Beat her to the punch.

 

[kenny]

Yeah your cousin has issue. Her issue is having the 3 kids. She wants you to have kids so you will understand her misery.

I bet she loves having you around. That’s the only way she can have “adult” conversation. She just hates to admit that.

Hang in there.

I think some parents secretly regret the work and expense of having kids, and hold jealousy and resentment towards non-parents because they are are more free with their time and money.

 

[joelly]

I think some parents secretly regret the work and expense of having kids, and hold jealousy and resentment towards non-parents because they are are more free with their time and money.

So true this.

We have just been blessed with a 9-month-old baby girl. We have tried for forever then we gave up trying. She came around when we gave up trying. She is a gem though but she is also still 9 months old

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Ugh!! I was just messaging with a cousin who always seems intent on shoving my lack of kids in my face. She's always prefixing things with the word "family." Why??? I tried to call when she and her kids were having dinner, and she's all, "Sorry, we were having a family dinner." And she always mentions the "family" bathroom. When my parents were bringing us up, they were just bathrooms and dinners.

Maybe I'm just sensitive on this topic, but when people use "family" as a prefix unnecessarily, it makes me feel as if they're being really smug about having a family. But maybe they're not. Thoughts, anyone?

My mum used to say two people make a family (i reacon one person and a cat are a family)
It took a long time for me to come along and my mother never forgot how awful it was people constantly asking when where they having kids


i never wanted kids and one thing ill say about mum is she never once pushed that issue

Thinking about your issue reminds me of my best friend and issues she had with a friend
she was so good to the two littke girls but the mother was always getting a dig into Deborah about not having kids
we worked out she was jelouse of all the things Deborah had - not materialistic things - but time to do things just for herself

Your doing a healthy thing limiting yoir exposure to her, keep up with that

 

[Jambalaya]

So many great insights! I wonder if her elevating the dinner to "family dinner" status was just a way of making sure I didn't feel bad about her not answering the phone to me during the meal.

But then, she did say "we always have a family dinner Sunday night." I mean, it's 8pm on a schoolnight with kids aged 16, 12, and 18. What other kind of dinner would they be having??

I don't know, I guess it just irritates me because if I had a lovely family like hers (the children ARE lovely, which is kinda why I put up with the mom! Also, she's one of my only relatives - shared upbringing, remembers our grandparents, etc.) I would be careful what I said to a woman who was married for years, didn't have kids, and I didn't know why. I wouldn't want to make her feel bad, in case she tried and couldn't - especially if I had three amazing kids like hers! They are lovely children, all doing well, and very polite and well-mannered. I don't know why their silly mother is always trying to compete with me. I am not interested in competing! We are all on our own paths. She has a lovely spouse, kids, and big house, and I don't, and I'm just fine with that! I have other things that are important to me.

Many years ago, when I was single and the oldest child was just a baby, I happened to ask her what they were doing at the weekend. She said, "We're going to stay home and cuddle our baby." Talk about smug! She knew I didn't even have a date! I didn't mind the situation at all, but I so resent someone trying to compete with me. It's so sexist - she wouldn't talk to a male cousin that way, I'm sure!

 

[jaysonsmom]

I guess I'm an offender, and use the family dinner exactly the way Karl stated:

Many parents I know are doing "family dinner".
That means no cell phones and they actually talk to each other.
That includes the parents.
I don't know how old her kids are but that could be the reason.

Dinner is the one meal when all of us are usually home, so we put our phones away and actually talk to each other. And not all school night dinners can be called family dinners because sometimes my teens have after school activities, or my husband and I have conference calls during that time of the evening, so when we do have dinner all together (3-4 times a week), I call those "Family Dinners"

As for family bathroom, we don't use that phrase as much, but there is a guest bathroom that we all use when we are on the main floor of the house, whereas we have our own bathrooms on our second floor. I guess in our house we call it the guest bathroom because it is next to our guest bedroom, but if it were a stand-alone, we may have started calling it a family bathroom....who knows?

I think it may be a a little sensitive to you when you hear your cousin use "Family" as a prefix, but I really don't think she meant to rub it in that she has a "family" just because she has kids. I consider a couple without kids as a small nuclear family.

I'm glad that you posted your feelings about this, because I was not aware that describing something as casual as "family" may become a sore spot for some.

PS. Family restrooms are found everywhere in California

 

[joelly]

So many great insights! I wonder if her elevating the dinner to "family dinner" status was just a way of making sure I didn't feel bad about her not answering the phone to me during the meal.

But then, she did say "we always have a family dinner Sunday night." I mean, it's 8pm on a schoolnight with kids aged 16, 12, and 18. What other kind of dinner would they be having??

I don't know, I guess it just irritates me because if I had a lovely family like hers (the children ARE lovely, which is kinda why I put up with the mom! Also, she's one of my only relatives - shared upbringing, remembers our grandparents, etc.) I would be careful what I said to a woman who was married for years, didn't have kids, and I didn't know why. I wouldn't want to make her feel bad, in case she tried and couldn't - especially if I had three amazing kids like hers! They are lovely children, all doing well, and very polite and well-mannered. I don't know why their silly mother is always trying to compete with me. I am not interested in competing! We are all on our own paths. She has a lovely spouse, kids, and big house, and I don't, and I'm just fine with that! I have other things that are important to me.

Many years ago, when I was single and the oldest child was just a baby, I happened to ask her what they were doing at the weekend. She said, "We're going to stay home and cuddle our baby." Talk about smug! She knew I didn't even have a date! I didn't mind the situation at all, but I so resent someone trying to compete with me. It's so sexist - she wouldn't talk to a male cousin that way, I'm sure!

Lol at “stay home and cuddle our baby” sorry this is just such a funny comment.

It is so clear that she is envious of you.

If you can, go ahead and watch the Count of Monte Cristo. There is a scene in that movie that makes it clear why Envy is one of the seven deadly sins.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

So many great insights! I wonder if her elevating the dinner to "family dinner" status was just a way of making sure I didn't feel bad about her not answering the phone to me during the meal.

But then, she did say "we always have a family dinner Sunday night." I mean, it's 8pm on a schoolnight with kids aged 16, 12, and 18. What other kind of dinner would they be having??

I don't know, I guess it just irritates me because if I had a lovely family like hers (the children ARE lovely, which is kinda why I put up with the mom! Also, she's one of my only relatives - shared upbringing, remembers our grandparents, etc.) I would be careful what I said to a woman who was married for years, didn't have kids, and I didn't know why. I wouldn't want to make her feel bad, in case she tried and couldn't - especially if I had three amazing kids like hers! They are lovely children, all doing well, and very polite and well-mannered. I don't know why their silly mother is always trying to compete with me. I am not interested in competing! We are all on our own paths. She has a lovely spouse, kids, and big house, and I don't, and I'm just fine with that! I have other things that are important to me.

Many years ago, when I was single and the oldest child was just a baby, I happened to ask her what they were doing at the weekend. She said, "We're going to stay home and cuddle our baby." Talk about smug! She knew I didn't even have a date! I didn't mind the situation at all, but I so resent someone trying to compete with me. It's so sexist - she wouldn't talk to a male cousin that way, I'm sure!

Im going to put this out there
and please everyone i mean no offence to anyone struggling to conceive or who can't for what ever reason, but wants children

Just tell your cousin you are infertile
And if she is a good caring cousin she will stop this nonsense

Alot of the time i feel society frowns on those of us who choice to be childless - and we all have many many valid reasons

nobody in their right mind would ever say to a pregnat lady "you will change your mind"
but if i had a dollar for everytime someone had said this to me - "you will change your mind about not having children"- well i could almost afford the Hope diamond by now

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

Gee this bsthroom thing is so confussing
Just as well we only have one!

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I wish we had a family bathroom...try being the only woman in a house of men/boys with one bathroom

 

[Jambalaya]

I guess it IS kind of a funny comment, now that you put it that way, Joelly!

Daisy, I have definitely thought about saying the infertility/miscarriage thing, but I'm kinda private that way.

It's entirely possible that I'm just being over-sensitive. Maybe it's partly because social media has created a platform for some parents to go really over-the-top with the baby-bragging, and I've definitely got a little tired of it in the past. Some people just never stop!

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I wish we had a family bathroom...try being the only woman in a house of men/boys with one bathroom

I hate in the middle of the night (so you don't turn the light on) you sit down ....and your leg goes shooting out from under you and your now cold bottom lands on unlided porcelain

 

[Jambalaya]

Daisy, I also had a ton of baby pressure when I was younger and married. It was awful. I can't believe the things people feel free to say. Either people don't want kids, in which case they're really annoying the woman with their remarks, or they can't, and they're really hurting them. Some people ache and ache and ache for a baby and can't have one, and I think it's commoner than people realize. It's astounding to me that people aren't careful. And to go on about your "family" dinners and "family" days out - had that one, too - to someone who's divorced and childless and past childbearing age...SMH. I can't imagine being that insensitive.

 

[Jambalaya]

Daisy, you need a motion-activated toilet light!
https://www.amazon.com/Best-Motion-...ords=toilet+bowl+light&qid=1583800160&sr=8-36