Unusual Cluster Flower E-Ring - Need Advice

lovegem · May 3, 2009

Date: 5/3/2009 11:26:35 PM
Author: popcorn
acutally i just spoke with my husband and he said ''don''t tell him until you can afford another ring, cause what''s the point of letting him know now?'' But that''s just his view, do what you think works best for you.

I agree. If you can''t afford another ring, may as well just live with this one until you can afford one. If you don''t want to wear it, just tell him the ring is a little fancy for your work. Honesty is important in a marriage, but "save face" for the other person can also help to build a strong relationship. If your FI picked out a ring when he was a kid and still remembers the ring, I would say he is a very sensitive person. Total honesty in this case may hurt too much. You can pick your wedding rings together and get yourself more bling in the wedding ring.

Last but not the least, congrats on your engagement.

Rhea · May 4, 2009

Date: 5/3/2009 10:47:22 PM
Author: jocelyn3

I highly doubt he can return the ring ... it has been 7+ counting months after all. In fact, I have no idea where he bought it, as he won''t tell me because he is superstitious about me knowing. Financially, we both can''t afford another ring. We are waiting 2 years for awedding just so we can possibly afford a wedding and maybe someplace to live. So I think the only thing left is a) telling him, but asking him if we can maybe get a ring more my style for our 5th or 10th anniversary. b) telling him, but suggesting I get a really nice band that I wear alone. I actually did mention this when I said that since it will be impossible to get a band to fit with this ring, I might not be able to wear the E-Ring, and he seemed horrified I wouldn''t wear the E-Ring after we get married.

For me, getting a wedding band that I choose and wouldn''t be able to wear with the engagement ring was not about not wearing the engagement ring. I wear the wedding band on my left hand, the heart vein hand, and the engagement ring on the right hand. Admittedly, I don''t wear the engagement ring a lot.

If your guy is a sentimental guy he might have trouble understanding getting a new set in another 5, 10 years. New engagement ring, it''s special, but you weren''t married with it. New wedding band, eh. If you get a curved, matching wedding band, then you''re never going to be able to wear them seperately. Wearing the wedding band on the left hand, and not the engagement ring on the right, for practical reasons - the kids or whatever your life style is like - could help get your point across at the right time.

I do agree with not discussing it right now. Saving face is important and clearly your partner already has some idea how you feel about the ring. He won''t tell you any information so it''s not like one more conversation is going to lead to him producing a receipt with time still left on return the ring, and him giving you free reign to pick another engagement ring. If you''re expecting a wedding in two years, chose a wedding band you like closer to time and let the idea of a new engagement ring grow on him. I do understand the resentment. I hate it that I compromised and chose a ring that he liked, which was never my favorite, and then when it came time to pick his ring he didn''t understand why I should have any say in what he would wear. He somehow didn''t see any similarities in the situation. I picked my own wedding band so I wasn''t adding to the resentment, then the entire situation would have just been worse.

NakedFinger · May 4, 2009

jocelyn- First of all let me say I couldnt possibly imagine being in your situation, and truly feel for you hun.

As someone who use to have nightmares about hating my ring, I too raised this question. Now while I just want him to propose, and obviously would say yes to anything, the thought of not loving a ring I would wear every single day for the rest of my life did bug me (which is why i convinced him to let me pick out the diamond and design the setting together!

)

I read through every single response, and there is some great advice here and valid points. However, there is something that I would like to point out that no one else has. The only thing I felt I missed out on with designing the ring together, was the joy of thinking of my dear SO researching, finding out what I like, browsing store after store for THE ring, and putting together something with ME in his heart and mind throughout the whole process. (I get the same thing when I think of him in the women's department at Bloomingdales shopping for my x-mas present, there is something so cute about it! hehe).

Anyway, what would bother me, and what may be a more valid arguing point when you bring it up to him, is that this ring wasnt chosen with YOU in mind. Not only because he didnt take into account YOU and the things YOU like, but also because THIS RING WAS PICKED OUT 20 YEARS AGO! Am I the only one that thinks thats odd? I mean, he hadnt even met you at that time, let alone known that he was going to marry you. So basically he picked out this ring and said "whoever i marry is going to get this ring". Thats so impersonal to me. Am I the only one?? I dont know, I would get the same feeling if he bought the ring for an ex-fiance that he didnt end up marrying, and then gave me that ring. It wouldnt bug me that it was "used", it would bug me that he bought it with someone else in mind you know?

So I would definitely tell him. Because while he may be hurt that you dont like it (or maybe just disappointed that you dont like it), like others said, its better to be honest with the man you are about to marry. And you can tell him that YOU are the one thats hurt, because you feel like he doesnt even care what you think, that you dont feel like this is "your ring", and that you wished he kept you in mind when buying it. Now to address the "sentimental" part.....its not like this was a deceased family members ring that is being passed on to you! he just bought it 7 months ago! Yes he picked it out WITH his grandma, but honestly, its not like he bought it 20 years ago or it was HER ring. For sentimental purposes though, if its important to him, I would turn it into a pendant necklace and wear it on your wedding day.

Sorry if for rambling, but to me an engagement should be a happy time, and every time you look down at your ring your heart should fill with joy thinking of your fiance, and you should get giddy all over again just thinking about him proposing. You SHOULDNT be filled with sadness every time you see it, and I am sure your fiance wouldnt want that either! Good luck!

rhbgirl24 · May 4, 2009

I feel for you too. I think an e -ring should be a blending of your two styles... not just his, and not just yours. Its all about a promise to get married and blend your two lives, so shouldn''t the symbol of that represent just that?

I would tell him in as sensitive a way as you can, explain to him that its too intricate to wear everyday. Can you imagine cleaning chalk dust out of that daily?!?!?!

I like the idea of taking those stones and making a blingy wedding band. Or just switching it to a right hand ring.

But i wouldn''t, personally, keep it from him. It will come out sometime in an argument down the line anyway, and then it will hurt more.

Congrats on your engagement hun, sorry it had to start this way!

D&T · May 4, 2009

oooh,, I"m so sorry you''re feeling this way.. First off,, keeping this inside me would definitely eat away at me and make me feel very sick, that I don''t truly love my ering, so be honest in a sensitive manner and express your thoughts, being honest is the best policy to a happy long full marriage. Yes, I would probably keep it as a RHR, maybe you can have it for at least a year, then when your one year anniversary comes up, do an UPGRADE

switch it to your RHR... you then have one year to think of how to approach the situation at least.

Haven · May 4, 2009

First, CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!

I agree with missrachelk:
I personally think that keeping quiet to save your FI''s feelings is the wrong way to move towards a marraige. His feelings and attachment towards thr ring are important, and so are yours. I don''t think you should let his feelings outweigh your own.

And I agree with Honey22:
You are marrying the guy - you should be able to speak open and freely with him. Be honest with him, pretending you like the ring and just avoiding wearing it will make things worse later on.

I don''t understand this idea that you should hide your feelings in order to preserve your FI''s feelings, and to be frank, I would be a bit concerned to marry a man who clearly ignored my preferences for an engagement ring and gave me something that is so obviously not a representation of my taste. People can call it "sweet" and "sentimental" that he got a ring that he chose with his grandmother as a child, but to me it is just evidence that he had zero regard for you and what you wanted out of an engagement ring. If he didn''t know what you wanted, then it would be a different story, but he did know what you wanted and he ignored that completely.

Marriage is not about walking on eggshells around one another and hiding your own feelings and desires. It is not about asserting your own will on another individual, especially when it comes to something you are going to expect her to wear every day for the rest of her life.

Let''s pretend this isn''t about an engagement ring. Let''s pretend this is about a dress that he bought the OP as a gift. Let''s say he knows the OP loves to wear modest, elegant cocktail dresses a la Jackie O. Let''s say that her SO bought her a tight, revealing dress that leaves little to the imagination, and then pouted when she told him she was not comfortable wearing it. This isn''t cute or sweet behavior, and it certainly isn''t something I''d want to enable in my future spouse.

jocelyn--I would find a time to bring up the fact that this ring is not your style, and that you are uncomfortable wearing it. I''d also bring up the fact that you are hurt that he ignored all the pictures you spent months giving him. If he''s too hurt to have an adult conversation about this, then I would seriously consider whether he is ready to enter into a marriage. I know this sounds harsh, and everyone else has been really sweet and nice about this, but honestly, it just sounds selfish and immature to behave the way he''s behaving, and I think you have some serious conversations in your near future. You can only put your own desires aside for so long in a relationship, at some point something has got to give.

And I''m not sure if anyone else said this yet, but if the appraisal value is less than what he paid for your ring, then he probably paid too much. From a financial standpoint, I''d want to make sure that he wasn''t taken to the cleaners. I''ve never seen an appraisal be anything but FAR more than the purchase cost.

Good luck. This isn''t easy, but neither is living with resentment or ill feelings toward your SO.

Edeltraud · May 4, 2009

Jocelyn, congratulations on your engagement! I wish you two a long and happy future together.

My heart goes out to you. I''m a very long-time lurker and your post inspired me to register so I could reply. I was here once also; I felt like my then-FI had picked the ring for his mother instead of me. It was miserable. You sound like you''re really torn up about this too.

A little self-awareness can guide you here: do you think you can successfully keep your feelings from him? This is the man you''re going to marry, the one you spend so much time with. I was convinced, as you are, that telling him what I felt about the ring would really upset him, but I could not, in the end, keep it to myself. I did finally tell, in tears, and by then I was pretty mad about it too. He was so surprised and really didn''t want me to feel like that. He wished I would have told him right away, although we agreed that it would have been harder for him to hear if I had. You know your guy best, of course, but you two will face tougher things together during your marriage. If you''re upset and resentful about this and think you''re likely to let it spill out sometime in the future, you might try to talk with him now, before those feelings grow. They''re very hard to let go of later.

Of course not everyone has the same experience, but here''s my ending in case it encourages you: I still have my ring, but we''ve added another ring too (designed 1.5 years later by me and not expensive), and my lovely DH now just wants me to be happy. Some days I wear the original ring and some days I wear the new one. It turned into an important discussion about moving from our families of origin - in your case, your FI''s childhood, his grandmother, the family he showed the ring to ahead of time - into a family together where we each prioritized the other above everyone else. It''s a genuinely difficult transition for many people and it makes sense that he might struggle with it in the engagement period, especially as his family sounds wonderful and loving (a grandmother who takes a little boy jewelry shopping and talks to him about his future? How sweet!).

One thought: if wearing this ring is really making you resentful, what about purchasing a relatively inexpensive placeholder now, maybe a sterling silver band, to wear at work?

krockie · May 4, 2009

Date: 5/4/2009 10:09:46 AM
Author: NakedFinger

jocelyn- First of all let me say I couldnt possibly imagine being in your situation, and truly feel for you hun.

As someone who use to have nightmares about hating my ring, I too raised this question. Now while I just want him to propose, and obviously would say yes to anything, the thought of not loving a ring I would wear every single day for the rest of my life did bug me (which is why i convinced him to let me pick out the diamond and design the setting together!

)

I read through every single response, and there is some great advice here and valid points. However, there is something that I would like to point out that no one else has. The only thing I felt I missed out on with designing the ring together, was the joy of thinking of my dear SO researching, finding out what I like, browsing store after store for THE ring, and putting together something with ME in his heart and mind throughout the whole process. (I get the same thing when I think of him in the women''s department at Bloomingdales shopping for my x-mas present, there is something so cute about it! hehe).

Anyway, what would bother me, and what may be a more valid arguing point when you bring it up to him, is that this ring wasnt chosen with YOU in mind. Not only because he didnt take into account YOU and the things YOU like, but also because THIS RING WAS PICKED OUT 20 YEARS AGO! Am I the only one that thinks thats odd? I mean, he hadnt even met you at that time, let alone known that he was going to marry you. So basically he picked out this ring and said ''whoever i marry is going to get this ring''. Thats so impersonal to me. Am I the only one?? I dont know, I would get the same feeling if he bought the ring for an ex-fiance that he didnt end up marrying, and then gave me that ring. It wouldnt bug me that it was ''used'', it would bug me that he bought it with someone else in mind you know?

So I would definitely tell him. Because while he may be hurt that you dont like it (or maybe just disappointed that you dont like it), like others said, its better to be honest with the man you are about to marry. And you can tell him that YOU are the one thats hurt, because you feel like he doesnt even care what you think, that you dont feel like this is ''your ring'', and that you wished he kept you in mind when buying it. Now to address the ''sentimental'' part.....its not like this was a deceased family members ring that is being passed on to you! he just bought it 7 months ago! Yes he picked it out WITH his grandma, but honestly, its not like he bought it 20 years ago or it was HER ring. For sentimental purposes though, if its important to him, I would turn it into a pendant necklace and wear it on your wedding day.

Sorry if for rambling, but to me an engagement should be a happy time, and every time you look down at your ring your heart should fill with joy thinking of your fiance, and you should get giddy all over again just thinking about him proposing. You SHOULDNT be filled with sadness every time you see it, and I am sure your fiance wouldnt want that either! Good luck!

I totally agree with NakedFinger. And lots of other posters, but especially NakedFinger. If this was an heirloom, I''d say you have some limited options. But it wasn''t - and it doesn''t have you in mind at all. I think that is worth mentioning.

I also want to add that my husband had some very definite ideas about what my engagement ring meant about both of us. We designed it together, but he definitely had the idea that it was ours, not mine, and that his opinion about what it looked like should matter just as much as my opinion. The argument that I was the one who would wear it forever and ever didn''t fly - it was ours, not mine to him.

That said, I love my ring. Now, I wouldn''t change it for the world and am so thankful that its an original design that my husband created. But if I were having it make all my own? It would definitely be a different ring. Maybe not too different, but it wouldn''t be the same for sure. I tell this story to remind you that maybe he has a specific idea about what the engagement ring represents for both of you, and doesn''t consider it something that is yours or your dream, etc. I never expected that my husband would feel that way about it.

partgypsy · May 4, 2009

Alot has been said, everyone has good points but where I stand is closest to nakedfinger''s perspective. To me the whole thing is mystifying, he "picked it out" when he was a kid but only bought it 7 months ago? And you gave him feedback that wasn''t too hard to mess up (simple solitaire) that he completely ignored?

Maybe I''m having an especially strong reaction to this story because cluster rings are one of my least favorite styles and regardless they are commonly thought of as a cocktail ring, not an engagement ring. So he''s not just ignoring your preferences but the cultural norms he lives in. He shouldn''t be surprised that you (and others) do not think it''s an appropriate or fitting choice. If he couldn''t bear not to give you this particular ring, he should have saved it as an anniversary or other gift.

If you like the ring wear it on nice nights out on your right hand. Do not feel obligated to wear it if you do not like it; your engagement ring is supposed to make you feel happy, not unhappy. Personally if I got an engagement ring I didn''t like I would thank my fiance profusely for the gesture, and then stick it in a drawer somewhere

. I know, I''m terrible.

Daisi2112 · May 4, 2009

Date: 5/4/2009 3:15:29 PM
Author: part gypsy
Alot has been said, everyone has good points but where I stand is closest to nakedfinger''s perspective. To me the whole thing is mystifying, he ''picked it out'' when he was a kid but only bought it 7 months ago? And you gave him feedback that wasn''t too hard to mess up (simple solitaire) that he completely ignored?

Maybe I''m having an especially strong reaction to this story because cluster rings are one of my least favorite styles and regardless they are commonly thought of as a cocktail ring, not an engagement ring. So he''s not just ignoring your preferences but the cultural norms he lives in. He shouldn''t be surprised that you (and others) do not think it''s an appropriate or fitting choice. If he couldn''t bear not to give you this particular ring, he should have saved it as an anniversary or other gift.

If you like the ring wear it on nice nights out on your right hand. Do not feel obligated to wear it if you do not like it; your engagement ring is supposed to make you feel happy, not unhappy. Personally if I got an engagement ring I didn''t like I would thank my fiance profusely for the gesture, and then stick it in a drawer somewhere

. I know, I''m terrible.

I already made a post here, but I just wanted to say that I agree with Part Gypsy in that I did find it a bit odd that he picked it out as a kid and ignored your desire for something like a solitaire.

vespergirl · May 4, 2009

First of all, congrats on your engagement. Now, down to your question. I have to say honestly that while the ring that your husband picked out is a lovely COCKTAIL ring, it is not a traditional engagement ring. I would love a cocktail ring like that for my right hand, but I can totally understand where you''re coming from saying that it''s impractical for everyday wear. Maybe you could explain the difference to him, and how cocktail rings are not designed for everyday wear.

I think that the more important issue here is your fiance''s total disregard for your feelings and desires. Don''t you think for a second that you are being selfish - HE is the selfish one for totally disregarding your feelings, and getting you something his grandma picked instead of something that he knew you would like

The engagement ring that he bought FOR YOU should be something that YOU & he really liked, not something that he & his GRANDMA really liked (I''m getting a "mama''s boy" feeling here). I understand that it may hurt his feelings if you bring it up, but I think that''s a chance you should take, because it sounds like YOU are very hurt and upset about the fact that he didn''t pay attention to your preferences when you showed him pictures that you liked. The engagment is not just about HIM, but about your happiness as well.

The engagement ring is something that you will wear forever. You should be happy with it. If you talk to him about it, and all he thinks about is how hurt HIS feelings are, I hate to say it, but that may be a predictor of how negotiations are going to go in your marriage (no compromise, no regard for your feelings - his way or the highway). I don''t mean to sound harsh about this, but your situation reminds me a lot of the ring-buying process with my ex-husband. He took me ring shopping, but then overruled every opinion that I had and just ended up getting me what he wanted anyway, without any consideration for my opinion (I was looking at very modest rings in the $500 price range, but he refused to buy me a diamond - it had to be a colored stone, when I wanted a small diamond solitaire). Our relationship turned out to be very much about him as well - everything was about what his wants and needs were, and I was supposed to just go along with what he wanted to keep the peace. After a couple of years, that got old, and he is now "ex." My second (and forever) husband is a wonderful, generous guy who took me shopping and just told me to pick out what I wanted, because I would be the one wearing the ring, and he wanted me to be happy with it. That is also how he treats me in our relationship - we respect the things that are important to each other, without making the other person feel bad about their needs and desires.

I don''t mean to be a downer, but I just wanted to share a little of my life experiences, because your fiance''s reaction made me feel really sorry for you - after all, a girl should love her engagement ring. I understand if there aren''t finances for a new ring now, but if I were you, once I were married, I would just wear a wedding band (OF YOUR CHOICE!) and wear the ring he got you as a beautiful cocktail ring on special occasions, and get the solitaire that you want as an anniversary gift. Sorry for your situation - I totally understand how you feel, because I''ve been there ... please let us know how it turns out!

vespergirl · May 4, 2009

Date: 5/4/2009 11:31:05 AM
Author: Haven
First, CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!

I agree with missrachelk:
I personally think that keeping quiet to save your FI''s feelings is the wrong way to move towards a marraige. His feelings and attachment towards thr ring are important, and so are yours. I don''t think you should let his feelings outweigh your own.

And I agree with Honey22:
You are marrying the guy - you should be able to speak open and freely with him. Be honest with him, pretending you like the ring and just avoiding wearing it will make things worse later on.

I don''t understand this idea that you should hide your feelings in order to preserve your FI''s feelings, and to be frank, I would be a bit concerned to marry a man who clearly ignored my preferences for an engagement ring and gave me something that is so obviously not a representation of my taste. People can call it ''sweet'' and ''sentimental'' that he got a ring that he chose with his grandmother as a child, but to me it is just evidence that he had zero regard for you and what you wanted out of an engagement ring. If he didn''t know what you wanted, then it would be a different story, but he did know what you wanted and he ignored that completely.

Marriage is not about walking on eggshells around one another and hiding your own feelings and desires. It is not about asserting your own will on another individual, especially when it comes to something you are going to expect her to wear every day for the rest of her life.

Let''s pretend this isn''t about an engagement ring. Let''s pretend this is about a dress that he bought the OP as a gift. Let''s say he knows the OP loves to wear modest, elegant cocktail dresses a la Jackie O. Let''s say that her SO bought her a tight, revealing dress that leaves little to the imagination, and then pouted when she told him she was not comfortable wearing it. This isn''t cute or sweet behavior, and it certainly isn''t something I''d want to enable in my future spouse.

jocelyn--I would find a time to bring up the fact that this ring is not your style, and that you are uncomfortable wearing it. I''d also bring up the fact that you are hurt that he ignored all the pictures you spent months giving him. If he''s too hurt to have an adult conversation about this, then I would seriously consider whether he is ready to enter into a marriage. I know this sounds harsh, and everyone else has been really sweet and nice about this, but honestly, it just sounds selfish and immature to behave the way he''s behaving, and I think you have some serious conversations in your near future. You can only put your own desires aside for so long in a relationship, at some point something has got to give.

And I''m not sure if anyone else said this yet, but if the appraisal value is less than what he paid for your ring, then he probably paid too much. From a financial standpoint, I''d want to make sure that he wasn''t taken to the cleaners. I''ve never seen an appraisal be anything but FAR more than the purchase cost.

Good luck. This isn''t easy, but neither is living with resentment or ill feelings toward your SO.

I wish I had read Haven''s post first - she said everything I was trying to say, but a lot more succinctly. I totally agree with Haven!

LadyBlue · May 4, 2009

I asked my hubby and he said this: i mean for me a ring is a symbol of love so really she should love it like him, i dunno the whole story, but it sounds like he wanted to get her something special. My husband is very sentimental as well, I know he will be hurt if I express i dislike the ring. I know is really hard for you, but If I was you, I would wait, has been just few weeks since he proposed. Give him some time, and in a couple years ask him if you can upgrade, then you get the ring of your dreams. I know you told him that you love solitare rings, but I''m sure he bought you this one thinking you will love it, and you would be the happiest girl, so probably he would be heart broken if you want to change it, more because you don''t have the money to change the ring.

TravelingGal · May 4, 2009

I saw this ring when you first posted, but couldn''t answer due to the fact my head was shaking and I couldn''t focus on the computer screen.

At your FI, not you, that is.

That ring is...well, not the ideal engagement ring of about 95% (if I''m being generous) of the women on this board, so you''re in good company.

All I can say is that the next time your FI wants a new TV, buy him a wood paneled CRT with separate UHF/VHF dials (if you''re old enough to remember what those are) and tell him you LOVED this style of TV at your granny''s house.

upgrade · May 4, 2009

Date: 5/4/2009 5:45:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I saw this ring when you first posted, but couldn''t answer due to the fact my head was shaking and I couldn''t focus on the computer screen.

At your FI, not you, that is.

That ring is...well, not the ideal engagement ring of about 95% (if I''m being generous) of the women on this board, so you''re in good company.

All I can say is that the next time your FI wants a new TV, buy him a wood paneled CRT with separate UHF/VHF dials (if you''re old enough to remember what those are) and tell him you LOVED this style of TV at your granny''s house.

Tgirl- you''re funny! And that is SO true and an analogy that any guy would get.

Jocelyn- I wanted to add, after reading all the responses that in my case, I waited 5 years to tell dh that I didn''t like the ring and that made things a lot worse. He was upset that I had basically lied about liking it for 5 years and he was really embarrassed and hurt that he had spent 5 years thinking I loved something that I secretly hated. I think it''s a ''speak now or forever hold your peace'' kind of a situation. Holding onto it for years and pretending to like it and then coming clean years down the road will only make him feel lied to in addition to the hurt feelings. You have to decide whether you can live with this or not but as someone who''s been there, I don''t advise it. My resentment grew and I went from originally being dissapointed in the ring and worried about hurting him to being really angry that he didn''t listen to me and feeling like I didn''t matter to him and my opinions didn''t matter. When it all came out, it came out in a big emotional, crying, angry bleh... not good! The end result for us was a really good thing but we went through a bunch of yuck to get there.

The other thing I wanted to say is that you expressed concern that if you tell him, there may not be a wedding. If he would break an engagement over this, after totally disregarding your tastes in favour of his and his grandma''s, then he''s not someone who is going to be sensitive to your needs in a marriage. He''s going to be hurt, but if he''s a sensible person he''ll eventually get past the hurt feelings and realize that he did this himself by choosing a ring for *him* not for you. If your relationship is strong enough to withstand all the challenges that marriage brings, this will be just a blip onthe radar for you guys and you''ll get past it.

Please keep us updated- I really want to know how this all turns out for you.

Gypsy · May 4, 2009

Date: 5/4/2009 5:45:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I saw this ring when you first posted, but couldn't answer due to the fact my head was shaking and I couldn't focus on the computer screen.

At your FI, not you, that is.

That ring is...well, not the ideal engagement ring of about 95% (if I'm being generous) of the women on this board, so you're in good company.

All I can say is that the next time your FI wants a new TV, buy him a wood paneled CRT with separate UHF/VHF dials (if you're old enough to remember what those are) and tell him you LOVED this style of TV at your granny's house.

Yeah. I opened the thread and closed it like 3 times.

Hmm. I also believe in honesty, and you are marrying him, and caving to emotional blackmail because of what other people might think of you is not a good beginning to a marriage. At all. I would be honest and tell him, that you are not dissapointed in the ring itself, you are disapointed because he didn't take your thoughts, your taste, your occupation or your lifestyle in mind when he chose the ring, and give T-gal's example above to him VERBATIM to demonstrate what the problem you have is.

Then I'd let him off the hook-- and tell him you will keep it, for the emotional value and wear it. Tell him you aren't going to change it, but that you are going to get a lovely wedding band, THAT YOU PICK OUT YOURSELF, and that you will be wearing that once you get married.

Just from personal experience (and I'm gonna get killed for this) something like this happens because either your FI is clueless, or selfish. If he's clueless... you can work with it and educate him (this isn't CHANGING HIM

, this is educating him and, yes, there is a difference) . If he's selfish, better find out now before the ink on that marriage license is dry, and decide if you CAN live with it, cause selfish doesn't change. But it can get worse.

In the meantime, wear that puppy down. Sorry to say it doesn't look like it's the best quality so a few good bangs and you'll be losing diamonds left and right... which will only prove how impractical it is. Then once it loses a few stones... you can lock it away and never let it out again. Passive aggressive? Yes. Effective? Yes. Sometimes you gotta educate your significant other. He buys you something impractical that you can't return.... you show him just how impractical it is. Words are good. But a few gaping holes in that puppy and he won't forget it.

Best of luck and congratulations on your engagement!

motownmama · May 4, 2009

Do you have any idea why he bought the ring 7 months ago? Also, you mean it''s the type of ring the grandma and he saw, right? Not the VERY same ring, right? Do you have any idea why he DIDn''t buy you a soliiataire - did he not like your showing him pictures, like he felt pressured to propose? When you showed him pics did he say "I don''t like that kind of ring?" I''m trying to get a better handle on this situation.

sazza · May 4, 2009

I really agree with these sentiments and of some others. If your fiance didn''t have the money to get what you wanted right now and communicated that with you I feel like you''d have a lot more peace about this situation. Is the ring a material thing? Absolutely. BUT, if he could afford what you liked and completely ignored that and got you something HE liked and picked out when he was a kid with his grandma (boy those apron strings are going to lead to some serious issues down the line girl, trust me) then that''s not a problem with the ring. The ring then is just a symbol of the real problem. I''d vote with not waiting to tell him that you don''t love it. If he blows up and freaks out then at least you know it now instead of after you have kids. If it is a small problem now, it will probably be a larger problem later.

He may be a perfectly nice guy and I''m not giving him a fair shake. I realize I don''t know his side of the story. Good luck, I hope this all gets worked out in a way that makes you happy.

jocelyn3 · May 4, 2009

Thank you for everyone''s advice!!

We spoke about it ... and it went much better than I thought. I explained how uncomfortable it is due to its size and weight. and he actually felt really bad. He only got it because he felt it was an odd coincidence from his childhood and took a chance buying it, even though he knew what my style and taste was. Not sure what we are going to do next, but perhaps see what we can get if we re-sell it somewhere. Lots of options I guess. I feel so relieved it was no big deal to him, and he assured me his feelings aren''t hurt, especially since I didn''t hide it from him for years. He really truly is the sweetest husband.

Thank you for everyones advice and kind words.

Very much appreciated,

Joc.

LadyBlue · May 4, 2009

I''m so happy for you, your FI is a real sweetheart!!! The most important thing is that he understood you and one day you are going to have the ring of your dreams.

vespergirl · May 4, 2009

Date: 5/4/2009 5:45:27 PM
Author: TravelingGal
I saw this ring when you first posted, but couldn''t answer due to the fact my head was shaking and I couldn''t focus on the computer screen.

At your FI, not you, that is.

That ring is...well, not the ideal engagement ring of about 95% (if I''m being generous) of the women on this board, so you''re in good company.

All I can say is that the next time your FI wants a new TV, buy him a wood paneled CRT with separate UHF/VHF dials (if you''re old enough to remember what those are) and tell him you LOVED this style of TV at your granny''s house.

LMAO! I know that you were joking, but that may actually be a way to break the ice into this touchy conversation ...

vespergirl · May 4, 2009

Date: 5/4/2009 8:50:26 PM
Author: jocelyn3
Thank you for everyone''s advice!!

We spoke about it ... and it went much better than I thought. I explained how uncomfortable it is due to its size and weight. and he actually felt really bad. He only got it because he felt it was an odd coincidence from his childhood and took a chance buying it, even though he knew what my style and taste was. Not sure what we are going to do next, but perhaps see what we can get if we re-sell it somewhere. Lots of options I guess. I feel so relieved it was no big deal to him, and he assured me his feelings aren''t hurt, especially since I didn''t hide it from him for years. He really truly is the sweetest husband.

Thank you for everyones advice and kind words.

Very much appreciated,

Joc.

Yay! I just read your post, and I am so glad that things worked out like they did. It sounds like you have a great, understanding guy, and you are both going to be so much happier going forward - the fact that you can be so honest & communicate so well on this issue speaks very well on you guys as a couple - congrats again on your engagement, and I''m so happy that everything worked out!

P.S. I still think that it''s a very pretty right hand ring! But if you need to resell it to get what you want, you may do well on ebay.

Daisi2112 · May 4, 2009

I am so glad it worked out well! Perhaps consider keeping the flower ring for when you go to parties! It''s pretty!

Congrats

anyname · May 4, 2009

I''m so glad that it worked out well for you! Good luck with whatever you choose to do next!

Circe · May 4, 2009

Oh, that''s great! It is an odd and funny coincidence - *is* it the exact same ring, and not just a similar one? It''s not quite serendipity, but it is intriguing ....

I hope that you''ll find something that makes you both v. happy. If you come back with your budget later, PS tends to be great for helping people to find deals and steals ....

partgypsy · May 5, 2009

Wow isn''t it such a relief to get that off your back? It sounds like both you and he handled it well, glad it worked out. This gives you good practice working out problems together in your future as well. and when you are in the market, ready to get a new ring, drop on by!

April20 · May 5, 2009

I''m so happy you were able to talk about it and get some light at the end of your tunnel!

I didn''t respond before because you were getting far better advice from the other ladies than you''d get from me. I''m a bit straightforward (read=blunt), which I suspect would be the absolute wrong tactic in this situation.

I hope you find something you love in the near future.

geckodani · May 5, 2009

Yay! I''m so glad that it went well for you! Honesty really is the way to go.

Please stick around and let us know what you decide to do as far as getting something different!

We like helping too.

Kelli · May 5, 2009

YAY!!!!

That is GREAT NEWS!! I know how badly conversations like that can go... I had them before I got my diamond recut! I''m so glad you were honest with him and can now get something you''ll really love!

motownmama · May 5, 2009

Good luck!!!!!!! I would still wear it as a RHR for sentimental reasons - he did propose with ti............

Unusual Cluster Flower E-Ring - Need Advice

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