Uh Oh

[Gypsy]

Have half a minute (literally)... but wanted to say... A, I will post later tonight. And B... you mentioned that you don''t think that you have a right to demand emotional honesty from him (as well as other things)... but that-- you do, absolutely have the right.

As for accepting someone as they are. I agree. IF you really know that person, and they really know you. It sounds like you want to know him... and he''s afraid. He wants the image-- the sitcom because it''s safe. Not that he doesn''t want YOU and doesn''t want you to know (really know) HIM... but he doesn''t have any experience with risk, with failure, with overcoming obstacles and humbling pride because he''s always been sheltered....

So he''s sticking to the sitcom. And you KNOW that with marriage, a REAL enduring marriage you need more than that.

Okay... got to run.... (again excuse any inaccurate assumptions... and forgive any trespass this is stream of conciousness here). Be back on later.

 

[movie zombie]

based on somethin you said, i get the feeling that when you met him online you thought he communicated great. have you thought of reviving that line of communication? i know it sounds crazy but perhaps he can dialog with you better through that medium....perhaps he would welcome it as a venue to practice those communication skills that are so vital in a marriage.

movie zombie

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/21/2006 3:40:14 PM
Author: movie zombie
based on somethin you said, i get the feeling that when you met him online you thought he communicated great. have you thought of reviving that line of communication? i know it sounds crazy but perhaps he can dialog with you better through that medium....perhaps he would welcome it as a venue to practice those communication skills that are so vital in a marriage.

movie zombie

GREAT IDEA!!!!!!

(Back to work I go)

 

[justjulia]

Has he, would he, consider a cochlear implant?

 

[Melinda]

It''s not his cochlea, I''ve asked. He wears hearing aids, but even with them he''s profoundly hearing impaired (86%). As far as the online communication thing, I''ve suggested that, but he knows he has to learn to communicate person to person, and not just online.

 

[movie zombie]

Melinda, yes, if he feels he needs to learn to communicate through other channels, that''s great. but if he''s not doing it and isn''t doing it in theraphy, i wouldn''t even discuss it with him, i''d just start the online communications and see where it leads, with the idea that even if he doesn''t respond back to me, at least i''d have his attention and get some things said. [how''s that for a run on sentence?!] any luck at all and he might respond.

i know that i''m pushier than most, but i wouldn''t wait for his agreement: i''d just start sending him e-mails.

movie zombie

ps but i wouldn''t start with big issues in the first e--mail. i''d start with really small trivial things not even related to communication problems or opening up just to get him to participate.

 

[Rod]

Date: 4/20/2006 10:38:44 PM
Author: valeria101





Does it really look ''washed out'' ? It so doesn''t from as much as pictures can tell.

All the cheering on the ring''s threads can''t be that wrong. Years to come, and the compliments will keep adding on, I''d bet.... although your opinion only counts in the end



Someone suggested direct comparison @ Mall shops against DCOD

(''diamond compulsive obsessive disorder'' - the poster called it, I''ve laughed my heart out at that one!).

Sounds like a classic example of DOCD to me. Here''s my DOCD Post:

You have Diamond Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (DOCD), an illness many of us suffer from on this forum. DOCD, discovered by Dr. Brillianteering in the early 1900''s, is a manifestation of mental anomolies when perfectly sane individuals become the owners of high quality diamonds. What typically occurs for an accurate DOCD diagnosis is euphoria upon the purchase of a nice gem, followed by self doubt, and ultimately downright concern that the purchased stone has somehow magically changed in appearance while the owner slept.
While there are no known medications available to combat DOCD, many people have reported the symptoms are reduced or completely eliminated by visiting chain jewelry stores, such as Zales or Kay, or having lunch with a friend who has a stone of poorer quality than the DOCD sufferer.

I hope this helps!!

 

[Gypsy]

I have to agree. Talk about small stuff online... then follow it up in person.

You know talk about a tv show you watched together online.

Then bring up your conversation in person...like "you know I was thinking about what you said about "Lost" and I think that...."

Get him in that habit. Or ask the therapist about having him keep a journal of feelings. And set up a time in the evenings where he shared one or two things from it with you... and at first you just listen... and validate... then progess to talking about it?

It sounds like he what he wants is in direct conflict with what he feels. He wants to fulfill you emotionally-- but he''s afraid he''s not going to be enough. you just need to remind him that he once was... because you feel in love with HIM the real him then... and he''s still the same man. He wants to love you the way you deserve... but is afraid he doesn''t know how. But you know how... and maybe you need to teach him how.

But honey, you''re afraid too.

You''re afraid of pushing to hard, of asking for what you NEED (not want.. want is different-- you can do without things you want... you can''t do without what you need). Because of the abuse, because of the taste of family. And the fear of losing it. Both of you are letting your fears get in the way.

And honestly-- the two of you are viewing the other through your own fears. You need to find someone (not all therapists are the same, a great one objectively may not be right for YOU.... Think of all the research you did for your ring. How much did you do for the therapist. Did you interview a few? Because you need to) to help you see each other-- and accept each other-- without fear. Because that''s where REAL trust starts. And where your fears will finally end. At least within the context of your relationship.

Does this make any sense?

 

[dbgaap]

gypsy, you should be a therapist! you are great!

melinda, you have a life I cannot begin to imagine, and my admiration. when life hands you something like MS or a profound hearing loss, a person has to come up with strength and courage that many of us will never be challenged to find within.

the fact that you can relate to him (via your own health experiences), the love of animals you share and his gentle vibe that you love are all things that can serve as a solid foundation for your marriage.

your (and his) work with the therapist is evidence of your capacity for growth, so it''s another positive for you. you sound sincere and honest in your posts, so it all adds up to a lot of positives.

your ring is so gorgeous it makes me a little nauseous.... it is just amazing.
But I can really see how it''s just not making you happy.
So.... I don''t have much to offer except postive thoughts, a pat on the back and my best wishes.


db

 

[Small]

Date: 4/21/2006 1:28:46 PM
Author: Mara
Melinda, I don''t what to say other than you have outlined the reasons why you find this man wonderful and fell in love with him, sometimes you just have to accept the other person for who they are and not try to change them too much, I do agree it would be great if every need could be fulfilled equally as fully, but that''s not always the case. Sometimes it''s hard for people to change who they really are and how they express themselves...maybe over time he will feel more free with expressiveness.

I am typically not an expressive person at all and it''s hard for me to remember that many people ARE...so I have to try harder many times to communicate the right way...for example Greg comes from a super loving/affectionate family who always tells each other they love each other and they are always hugging and kissing and my family could not be more opposite. I know my mom and dad love me to death but we actually say the words maybe once a year? And we are not affectionate at all in terms of hugs and kisses etc. So sometimes I have to remember to try to be more affectionate even though that is not how I was raised...I am very affectionate with Greg most of the time but it definitely does not come as easily to me as it does to him. It''s a good thing he knows this about me and knows it does not mean I love him any less or anything like that. Maybe not the same scenario really but I am sure a less-secure person in his situation may feel like I am withdrawn or don''t love them as much, but he knows that is not the case. And he accepts me for who I am.

So not to say that you can''t change a bit of who you are but it is very hard to change a CORE part of you..and if he feels protective of himself emotionally it could take a while to get through that, I would urge that you not take on any of that as feeling like he doesn''t love you enough or anything as it may just be something he has to work through on his own time.

Wow Mara...you could be describing me and dh to a T. My family is so not affectionate and dh''s family is always! Dh is very affectionate and although I love him dearly sometimes I have to tell him to give me a little space. I know this comes from my background and I try very hard to be affectionate and loving with my children...comes a little easier with them then it does with others.
I agree with what you say about changing the core part of you as well. I couldn''t write this any better. Therapy and understanding may help you get through all of this together. I hope and wish you the best. I wouldn''t rush into the wedding either...there is plenty of time for that. Work on the lines of communication and have realistic expectations. As Mara said...sometimes its hard for people to change how they express themselves. Good luck Melinda

 

[movie zombie]

Melinda,

Mara has hit some very important nails on the head.

also, there is something i cut out some years ago and carry around with me that reads: "Before you try to change someone else, remember how hard it is to change yourself."

Gypsy also hit it on the head: not all therapists are created equal. it is extremely important to ''shop'' for an appropriate therapist! i cannot stress this enough.

and perhaps besides seeing a couples thereapist, you might consider seeing one on your own to get your own personal needs met.

on a final note: who says you can''t have a long engagement?! this is exactly what engagements are for, imo!

movie zombie

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Melinda,

I have a degree in education of the hearing impaired. There are whole books written on the psychology of the deaf. His communication issues are totally different from the stereotypical male communication problems. Hearing impaired children early on do not like to tell you they didn''t understand and need you to repeat. I guess it is just frustrating, and/or they just want to appear "normal". It is a terrific accomplishment for your fiance to have excelled enough in school to have made it through vet school! Communication issues of the severe to profoundly hearing impaired often causes reading and written language problems which hamper academic achievement. It is all so complex and beyond what I can explain. But even a counselor who is not trained to work with deaf people may not understand, so the therapy may or may not help.

Generally, severe to profound hearing loss is sensori-neural and a cochlear implant (with appropriate therapy) can provide greater hearing ability. I wonder if he has really explored that option. But in the meanwhile, I agree with movie zombie to communicate as much as you can by email or online. It is clear that he is more self-conscious about oral communication, and this is to be expected. I think as you come to understand this, you will better be able to accept him as he is. Changing your attitude about it will probably be more easily accomplished than changing him.

(And now I will stop trying to imitate Dr. Phil!)

Regarding your ring, I have been married for almost 30 years and can''t settle on one choice for my anniversary ring! I will feel uncertain no matter what I choose, because I like 3 or 4 things very well and hate to decide between them! So separate your ring issues from the relationship. I am keeping the same husband but am upgrading my diamond!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 4/22/2006 4:23:58 PM
Author: movie zombie
Melinda,

also, there is something i cut out some years ago and carry around with me that reads: ''Before you try to change someone else, remember how hard it is to change yourself.''

movie zombie

Amazing..I was writing my post while you posted this one! I did not see what you said before I wrote something very similar!

 

[zhuzhu]

I work with patients with chornic illnesss everyday, and I want to ask you not to let the MS or hearing loss "identify you". Everyone, with perfect health or not, has issue or problems of their own. It is easy to fixiate on something you wish you ddin''t have , and want the rest of your life to be perfect in order to "make-up for" that. The truth is, nothing is perfect, but the love between two people can make a life together whole and "perfect".

As long as the two of you are commiiteed to make it work, even if you never got a diamond ring, you will still achieve a lifetime of happiness and cherish every moment of "imperfection" with nothing but joy at the end.

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/22/2006 4:33:29 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Melinda,

I have a degree in education of the hearing impaired. There are whole books written on the psychology of the deaf. His communication issues are totally different from the stereotypical male communication problems. Hearing impaired children early on do not like to tell you they didn''t understand and need you to repeat. I guess it is just frustrating, and/or they just want to appear ''normal''. It is a terrific accomplishment for your fiance to have excelled enough in school to have made it through vet school! Communication issues of the severe to profoundly hearing impaired often causes reading and written language problems which hamper academic achievement. It is all so complex and beyond what I can explain. But even a counselor who is not trained to work with deaf people may not understand, so the therapy may or may not help.

Generally, severe to profound hearing loss is sensori-neural and a cochlear implant (with appropriate therapy) can provide greater hearing ability. I wonder if he has really explored that option. But in the meanwhile, I agree with movie zombie to communicate as much as you can by email or online. It is clear that he is more self-conscious about oral communication, and this is to be expected. I think as you come to understand this, you will better be able to accept him as he is. Changing your attitude about it will probably be more easily accomplished than changing him.

(And now I will stop trying to imitate Dr. Phil!)

Regarding your ring, I have been married for almost 30 years and can''t settle on one choice for my anniversary ring! I will feel uncertain no matter what I choose, because I like 3 or 4 things very well and hate to decide between them! So separate your ring issues from the relationship. I am keeping the same husband but am upgrading my diamond!

Wow... I suspected about the psychology of the hearing imparied... but as I''m not a therapist (thank you db, but I''m far from it... lol) I didn''t know. I will definately retire my own inner Dr. Phil after stressing that perhaps it may be best to look at your therapist more carefully... perhaps finding one who is experienced in dealing with the hearing impaired... as they will understand your fiance''s perspective better... and therefore be able to tailor thier advice to your unique situation... and help you deal with the communication in a mutually satisfying way.

Also... it really IS okay to have a long engagement. People are ALWAYS asking me if we''ve set a date. I just say, "No." and they look confused... but generally it keeps them quiet. Of course now that we are setting a date... I just do it cause it''s fun. People really are too nosey sometimes.