The unexpected wedding band proposal...

[rainydaze]

Would it be possible to wear this as your wedding band and shop for another ring that you do love as your ering? I know you said you pictured a plain band, but maybe this is a compromise that makes you both happy? The picture of the model wearing it is wearing it as a wedding band paired with another ring as the ering.

 

[new-beginning]

based on what you said in your first post about humanitarian aid work, I would think the ring he gave you would be overwhelmingly inappropriate for working with people who might not have enough food to feed their family - perhaps you could use that as a second reason for returning the ring. Yes, I would ask to exchange it for a very simple plain platinum band, a nice necklace and earrings - nothing too 'showy' either. Perhaps one day for an anniversary you could get a diamond on a simple or 3 stone band ring. Please don't take this statement as disparaging - as I certainly do not mean it in that manner.

 

[LaylaR]

That’s a tough situation that is going to need tact.

I would sit him down and tell him that it’s a beautiful, obviously incredibly high quality and lovely ring.That you love the time and effort he put into selecting it. But, for with such an important purchase, for something you would be the one wearing every day for life, you would have rather have had at least some initial input into the purchase. And it is important to you that your input is taken into consideration.

Cause I think that’s really the issue. He obviously felt that a complete surprise was the way to go. And you obviously wanted some input on something you would be wearing for the rest of your life. So, that’s something that you both need to establish at the start of your life together: how you handle big purchases and decisions. Which is a much bigger issue than the ring itself.

Also, it sounds like you are a jewelry lover and have definite ideas and thoughts about your jewelry pieces and designs. That’s definitely something I would share with him, too. Introduce him to Pricescope, share the forum with him, and tell him how you feel the posters on here are kindred spirits with their love of beautiful, high quality, jewelry. Another thing to maybe mention to him, if it is important to you, is an upgrade policy. There’s a reason so many PS favored vendors offer upgrade policies: many of our posters like to ‘grow’ their rings over time. If that is something you also want, I would introduce the concept to him and let him get used to it.

I know my husband had an issue with the upgrade thing. After 20 years he’s gotten over it. But, his mother wore the same ring for all her life. One that was a surprise his father purchased for her without her input at all. Which is just how he thought it was supposed to be. So PS was a culture shock for my husband. It might be for your guy too.

He may not love the rings you prefer as much as he loved the Van Cleef’s ring he chose. But that’s okay. It needs to reflect your taste as well, as you are the one wearing it. Hopefully he’ll understand that and appreciate your honesty about all of it and you’ll be able to re-start the ring purchasing process together as partners.

 

[Bron357]

Here’s my “solution”. The ring is stunning but as you said it’s not your idea of an engagement ring.
So to me it’s like you got “the eternity ring” first, so do it in reverse.
Get a lovely plain Platinium or white gold wedding band for marriage and upon the birth of your first child (or 5 years) you receive the solitaire or 3 stone ring of your dreams.
That way you have the perfect set

 

[AV_]

I am guessing that he not only decided on the ring back in Paris, but on putting it to use too...

Congratulations on such a great engagement story & ring!

 

[cmd2014]

Given the price, I would fling myself on their mercy (explaining that it was a surprise proposal), and ask what they can do to help you. Maybe they have stock that’s not on the website? Maybe you can find a simple solitaire or three stone ring in your price range and use any remaining funds to buy bands for you both.

If not, it might make a nice band or right hand ring.

 

[kal2021]

After reading your second post, I say you keep it and look to get something more to your liking for an anniversary or push present. Or maybe even for the wedding? Like you would if you had the solitaire or three stone first then the band. It sounds like he put a lot of thought and sentiment into the ring and that is really sweet. There is a lot to be said for that, even if it does seem crazy to spend so much on something he didn’t know you’d love. But he seems so proud of himself! I’ve had two big presents from DH that I ultimately told him I wanted to return. Same kind of thing - he spent a lot on things I didn’t love, and I just couldn’t live with it. But I recently received an anniversary gift from him that I would have never picked on my own and don’t particularly like but I shut my mouth and wear it anyway! It’s all about choosing your battles. But I would lay the foundation for something you’d love in the future. Like, “I love this ring and all the thought you put into it. If I’m being honest I probably would have chosen something more traditional like a solitaire or three stone ring. How would you feel about me getting one in the not so distant future, like for our one year anniversary or ...”. Something like that!

 

[foxinsox]

I think you need to tell your fiance that you really don't like the ring and you would like to find a way to return it or exchange it for something that suits you and your values. I don't think you should find a way to love it just because he's given it to you. You can love him and the sentiment that's driven this purchase and not love the purchase itself. He needs to know how much it matters to you. And given you have to go back for a different size anyway, you might be able to discuss it with the store and see if they'll work with you on what you could get instead.

 

[kmoro]

Thank you so much to everyone for these thoughtful replies. You've made me smile a lot. I completely agree about the importance of honest communication, particularly if you're signing up for life!

I didn't explain properly above, but prior to saying 'yes I'll try it on a second time', I gently explained that the ring wasn't what I would've chosen myself. I explained that I would've picked a solitaire or perhaps a 3 stone engagement ring with a coloured stone, and a plain platinum wedding band. I said my preference would be to return the ring and buy something together, OR keep the ring (rather than exchange). I'm sure this sounds absurd (as I'm now learning what a luxury brand VCA is) but there is nothing else on their website I particularly like. My partner admitted the same.

It was after all of this chat that I then tried it on again... and then saw his face... the joy!

He doubled checked, there is no return, just exchange. (Kmoro, he bought it in person at the Paris store so it's all legit but outside of the 30 day period). He has mentioned once or twice I still have the exchange option, but it's like a kid saying something with their fingers crossed, you can see he's hoping against all odds I won't take him up on the offer.

I'm wrestling with the idea that maybe it really is the thought and love and intention that counts, and the ring is fine to live with, if not ideal. Another part of me is totally baffled why he would buy such a ridiculously expensive brand name ring (I own zero branded goods). He explained "Paris was where we fell in love, and then where we made the decision to move in together..etc" so when his work sent him to meetings there, he decided he had to get the ring because all of his best decisions had been made there. My heart was torn between love/optimism and bemusement at such absurdity to make this huge financial decision on the sentimental geographical location.

I guess I was hoping for some kind of miracle, like someone would explain a magical way to return it or sell it, but it sounds very much like I'm going to learn to love it. Thank you again to everyone for the advice.

Sorry for misunderstanding!

Are you sure they have nothing you like? The rings they show can all be set with different types and sizes of stones ...

As for selling, you can try posting on LoupeTroop or DiamondBistro and also mention it on PS Pre-loved.

Good luck!

 

[Rhea]

It's a very pretty ring. I'm sorry that it's not what you wanted.

Since you can't really change it without losing a lot of money I'd be inclined to keep the eternity ring and do this whole ring thing backwards. The Scandinavian way! He bought you a beautiful band for your engagement and now you can look forward to searching together for the solitaire or 3 stone for your wedding ring. A plain platinum band can be acquired (not name brand) for a couple hundred bucks so that would be easy to slip into your jewellery wardrobe at a later date if you wanted (James Allen has a classic 2.5mm for $240 USD), or for an anniversary down the road.

I think one of the positive things is that unless your partner is used to purchasing from luxury companies, the price of future rings for you is going to be a good surprise for him!

 

[Rhea]

based on what you said in your first post about humanitarian aid work, I would think the ring he gave you would be overwhelmingly inappropriate for working with people who might not have enough food to feed their family - perhaps you could use that as a second reason for returning the ring. Yes, I would ask to exchange it for a very simple plain platinum band, a nice necklace and earrings - nothing too 'showy' either. Perhaps one day for an anniversary you could get a diamond on a simple or 3 stone band ring. Please don't take this statement as disparaging - as I certainly do not mean it in that manner.

People who work with the less fortunate do own and wear rings. I do. I don't consider it at odds with my work in the least. I do sometimes wear a plain band when it's called for though. My engagement ring cost substantially less than the OPs, but mine is a 3 stone of about 0.70 ctw I think.

At 29 stones totalling 0.78 ctw (according to VC&A's website) it's probably a nice subtle ring with the amazing detailing you'd expect from VC&A. Most people aren't going to know it's a name brand ring that costs $10,000 USD. Even if someone thinks, wow, that's a nice, sparkly ring, the diamonds are like, 1.9mm each. It was expensive because of the House it was purchased from rather than because it's a particular large or 'showy' ring.

 

[sstephensid]

based on what you said in your first post about humanitarian aid work, I would think the ring he gave you would be overwhelmingly inappropriate for working with people who might not have enough food to feed their family - perhaps you could use that as a second reason for returning the ring. Yes, I would ask to exchange it for a very simple plain platinum band, a nice necklace and earrings - nothing too 'showy' either. Perhaps one day for an anniversary you could get a diamond on a simple or 3 stone band ring. Please don't take this statement as disparaging - as I certainly do not mean it in that manner.

How is this ring any more inappropriate than a solitaire or 3 stone ring? (And I’m not saying either are inappropriate).

The total carat weight is less than .8. No one would know that it is $$$ unless they are told or are very familiar with this brand’s offerings.But each diamond will be much smaller than a 1 carat or 3 stone ring.

 

[MarionC]

Having been in this situation myself, I would keep the ring. One of you is going to be unhappy. My then fiance never totally forgave me for rejecting his choice. I was very unhappy with his choice and let him know. Even nicely it hurts.
The problem is they did not consider that a surprise might not work. But when you think about all he went through to pick the perfect ring and get excited about giving it to you...
He obviously loves the ring he gave you and if you change then he will always look at the second ring unhappily. So to stop the focus on this, I would think of your love for him and keep the ring, and later pick together the wedding ring you want.
There are times when a compromise will lead to greater rewards.

Edit: I just looked at the ring for the first time and it is gorgeous. Later it can be a wedding band or a right hand ring. I hope you can find a way to enjoy this beautiful ring.

 

[kmoro]

Having been in this situation myself, I would keep the ring. One of you is going to be unhappy. My then fiance never totally forgave me for rejecting his choice. I was very unhappy with his choice and let him know. Even nicely it hurts.
The problem is they did not consider that a surprise might not work. But when you think about all he went through to pick the perfect ring and get excited about giving it to you...
He obviously loves the ring he gave you and if you change then he will always look at the second ring unhappily. So to stop the focus on this, I would think of your love for him and keep the ring, and later pick together the wedding ring you want.
There are times when a compromise will lead to greater rewards.

Edit: I just looked at the ring for the first time and it is gorgeous. Later it can be a wedding band or a right hand ring. I hope you can find a way to enjoy this beautiful ring.

Just gonna say that I think a man who won’t “forgive” you for not liking something he picked out, or looks at a second ring “unhappily” when it is what makes you happy is one selfish man. He’s not the one that has to wear it daily for the rest of his life. Would he really prefer that you grin and bear it just because you have different taste? Really? Knowing that it was important enough to you for you to express something so difficult?

I’m sorry, Jimmianne ... I hope you’re wrong about what your husband thinks, and that rather it is your projection because you hated to hurt your dear one’s feelings. In fact, I bet you that it doesn’t bother him at all ... it’s possible that he never thought of it again .. it probably doesn’t matter to him anymore, it’s in the past, and I bet he’s happy that you have what you like. I think you just love him, thst’s all. It is always hard to hurt a loved one’s feelings and natural to feel badly about it, but I bet your feelings are stronger about the ring, as in, the issue is more important to you, and therefore, it is your feelings that should be catered to in this regard. Unless for some reason your husband feels more passion about it than you do, has spent more time and emotion dreaming of seeing a ring of his choice on your finger than you have of your perfect ring, it would not make sense to put his feelings first this time.

This is really only one of many times that a couple will have to make a choice where one or both end up not entirely happy. In those times, I think it is best to figure out how important it is to each, and decide accordingly. For example, no matter what, someone will be unhappy. Maybe in the case of an engagement ring, he will be less unhappy with an exchange than she would be keeping it ... or vice versa. There should be no “win or lose,” just compromise.

Jimmianne, if you regret saying something, perhaps consider how badly he would feel years down the road if you were unable to keep your thoughts secret? Would you have been able to? I could see me trying that but I doubt I’d be able to say nothing to anyone for decades .... and that would make the entire silence up to that point a waste and more hurtful.

I guess I feel quite strongly that the OP should let her fiancé know how she feels. It mattered enough to her to post about it.

However, I’m divorced and so should really not be handing out relationship advice, lol.

 

[blueMA]

Just gonna say that I think a man who won’t “forgive” you for not liking something he picked out, or looks at a second ring “unhappily” when it is what makes you happy is one selfish man.

I agree. I would not put up with that, because such behavior speaks volume and sets the tone of a partnership and the relationship dynamics.

 

[missy]

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. So exciting to be marrying the love of your life!

There is no doubt in my mind that if this were me (and it was in a way) I would have to be truthful with how I feel about the ring. You plan on wearing the ring forever right? Wear something you love and adore and your partner would want you to. He loves you and wants you to be happy and a little bit of very short term disappointment on his part is nothing compared to decades of disappointment on your part.

Life is too short to wear bling you don't love. This reflects not at all on the love you two share. And now is as good a time as any on starting good communication skills. Healthy and successful long term relationships demand it.

Good luck and congrats again. Truly a time to be happy and joyous.

 

[vintageloves]

I have no idea what my professional face is (?!) but at least he knows me well. He asked me to try on the ring again because maybe if I saw it for a second time I'd fall in love. He looked so despondent so I said "yes, let's give that a go" and his entire face lit up. As soon as the ring was back on he was beaming and said "it is absolutely perfect. I knew the second I saw it this was you. It's everything I wanted for you".

I know I'm in the minority on this one, but there is no way I would return this ring after a man said this to me. That combined with the whole story of buying it in Paris because that's where you fell in love makes me think your fiancee is a romantic. A lot of men don't put half the thought into the ring that he did. I don't think it's about bling for him.

I think there is a way you can both be happy. Keep the ring. Given that you're out of the return window, I don't see what options you have on that point. Get a three stone as a wedding or 1st anniversary ring. Switch the eternity to your right hand if you'd like or save it for special occasions.

 

[motownmama]

You sound like a very thoughtful person! Good luck with what you decide.
Personally, I would not return the ring, just exchange. It might look quite different in the correct size. I can see I'm in the minority, but life is long. Marriage is long (25 this year for us). Such a sweet sounding guy. I'd never take it off, like he said! Again - good luck to you!

 

[PreRaphaelite]

Congratulations on your engagement and warm wishes for a lifetime of happiness together!

I became engaged when living overseas in an area where, well lets just say beautiful jewellery would have made me stand out as insensitive. Fast forward many decades later, and with the ups and downs of life, each romantic gesture I experienced in life is a treasured memory for me now. I wish I had kept every little trinket.

My thoughts on your unexpected ring are:
1) send it back to VC&A to have it sized to the ring finger of your RIGHT hand, but wear it on your ring finger of your LEFT hand during your pre-wedding time....
2) then, pick out your choice of daily wedding band and your choice of actual engagement ring, and then on your wedding day make the swap and wear the VC&A as a RHR (many brides do this if their engagement and wedding rings dont 'stack'...
3) thereafter, just bring it out on special occasions and those various days when your husband needs a lift... or even for yourself if you might be missing him if you're temporarily apart while traveling.

Someday you may find that it has grown on you. Unless you despise it, it will be an heirloom with memories attached. It probably won't be the last puzzling gift he gives you, and that in itself can be something to make you smile (smirk?) to yourself. Love is wonderfully funny sometimes.

You've gotten so much good advice here, with very wise people chiming in... no matter what you decide, we're here to help you find that next bling... there is always more jewellery out there. This won't be your only ring.

Good luck and best wishes! <3

 

[tkyasx78]

I am glad you decided to keep it!

It is a gorgeous ring! For a future anniversary you can get a solitaire ring with a special diamond you adore and either the vca can be the wedding band or a stunning right hand ring!

I have had many rings over the years and each one has been special to me. With my original e ring I was appreciative for a beautiful ring, but after a few years was ready to wear something new. I do suspect with time you may be able to wear it as a right hand ring with a solitaire ring on the left. When it comes to beautiful rings we really can’t have too many and that VCA is a well designed and lifetime beauty. Congratulations on your engagement!

 

[SimoneDi]

Congratulation on your engagement and finding a person that you want to share forever with!

“Forever”, however, can be a very long time if you can’t be honest with one another and share with each other even the hard truths. It is lovely that your fiancée wanted to be romantic and select a ring for you to propose with. It is unfortunate that he didn’t discuss your preferences prior, and albeit beautiful, the ring that he selected doesn’t make your heart sing. Your engagement ring should make your heart sing, even if you don’t wear it always, you should love it. I strongly disagree with anyone suggesting that the ring can grow on you or that you can learn to love it, or that you should wait another X years to get a ring that you will actually love. Life is too short to tolerate things that don’t make you happy.

My suggestion to you will be to have an honest conversation with your fiancée and kindly but firmly tell him what you appreciate everything that he has done, his enthusiasm and mostly the fact that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, but this is not your ring, especially not for $10k.

If you could get a refund, that would be ideal. If not, and only an exchange for a different item is possible, then I agree with those suggesting a simpler band and maybe getting a more elaborate jewel, even if not a ring.

Something like this: https://www.vancleefarpels.com/eu/e...aro9y600-tendrement-etoiles-wedding-band.html
Or this, which is from the same collection as one he proposed with: https://www.vancleefarpels.com/eu/e...ng-bands/vcarn59b00-estelle-wedding-band.html

And then a second gorgeous piece similar to this would be my choice: https://www.vancleefarpels.com/eu/e...34700-vintage-alhambra-bracelet-5-motifs.html

 

[rockysalamander]

You mention 3-stone and colored stones. How about one of these as an exchange?
https://www.vancleefarpels.com/eu/e...arp38x00-motifs-petales-solitaire-242-ct.html

https://www.vancleefarpels.com/eu/e.../vcarg33000-icone-solitaire-030-ct-evvs2.html

These exact ones might not be in budget, but maybe something more your style can be found?

 

[prs]

When your fiance purchased the ring he would have been asked what size he wanted to order. When he didn't know, and decided to take a guess, the sales person must have told him the ring wasn't sizeable, but he went ahead anyway. His decision to buy the ring at the most expensive jewelry store in the world also bewilders me. It's not like there aren't plenty other jewelry stores in Paris.

All this leads me to believe your fiance might be quite impulsive. At some point he's going to have to learn that, in good marriages, significant decisions are made after discussion and full agreement from both husband and wife. IMHO this would be the perfect time to start getting that message across.

 

[mrs-b]

When your fiance purchased the ring he would have been asked what size he wanted to order. When he didn't know, and decided to take a guess, the sales person must have told him the ring wasn't sizeable, but he went ahead anyway. His decision to buy the ring at the most expensive jewelry store in the world also bewilders me. It's not like there aren't plenty other jewelry stores in Paris.

All this leads me to believe your fiance might be quite impulsive. At some point he's going to have to learn that, in good marriages, significant decisions are made after discussion and full agreement from both husband and wife. IMHO this would be the perfect time to start getting that message across.

This is SO true, @prs! A number of people have talked about the degree of thought put into this ring, but I have to say, buying a ring from SUCH an expensive jewelry house - without consulting your fiancee-to-be first - is kind of nutty. I mean, that is SO impulsive and shows very little thought, in my opinion! And, let's face it, some women will love that style of ring. But a lot more women would dislike it - a lot! It's a LOT of ring - a very specific style - not easy to stack against and a LONG way away from the classical engagement ring. One thing you need to learn in marriage is that you can't make decisions for your spouse. You can't 'assume' you know what they want - without doing any research, or flat our asking, what they'd like in any given situation. Once you start down that slope ("I'm not gonna ask her because I'm sure I know best and this is my right to choose"), you've started down a very slippery slope indeed.

But - aw hell! I'll say it - I'm still gobsmacked about $9,500 US for a ring with .78 ctw!! If you own EVERY other form of jewelry, if you're a collector, if it HAS to be VCA for some reason - ok. But for a one and only ring??? If it were me, I'd be so disappointed to see so much money go to something so small.

(I'm sorry - I still can't pick my jaw up off the floor about that price...)

 

[LinSF]

However, I’m divorced and so should really not be handing out relationship advice, lol.

I'm going to disagree here, lol. We learn from our experiences, and its how our partners receives our communication that matters!

I am also stunned at how much the ring is. If you were a brand name person, being proposed to with a ring from that company would be akin to the whole Tiffany's phenomenon (Girls that *need* to have the little blue box). I get what you are talking about with the bling factor and your employment/job. Even if you liked it, you would feel ostentatious everyday wearing it. I would exchange for one of the colored stone options, and tell your fiancé how you want to feel comfortable with the rings. He's right, YOU have to wear it for the rest of your life.

FWIW I think it's sweet that he needed to buy it in Paris, but think that he should have known your preferences just a little bit first. Unless you had been clear that you loved a surprise and would be happy with his choice of ring-

I'll tell you that I was the one surprised to be asked to participate in the ring selection process. I have had one surprise (I had general input) and am now being asked to have a lot of input. Took me a while to be comfortable with this, Pricescope has sure helped me out.

 

[pearaffair]

You’ve already been given great advice... my $0.02:

When I got engaged I wanted unique and different. My boyfriend was thinking a classic solitaire, and I was thinking, OMG NO WAY.

Fast forward seven, almost eight years... and what do I want? A classic solitaire haha

I think it’s entirely possible this ring could grow on you. And seeing as how it’s a band, I don’t see how it keeps you from obtaining a plain platinum band AND a solitaire or three-stone. Wear one on the right hand if they don’t stack well. Make the e-ring out of moissanite if it doesn’t fit the budget otherwise.

Or upgrade in 5-10 years like many of us Pricescope do

 

[luv2sparkle]

I just wanted to say that his reasons for getting you that ring are wonderful, sweet and sentimental. That is a story to go with your ring that your grandchildren would love to hear someday. I hope you decide to keep the ring, because I do believe it will grow on you and someday you will wonder why you ever thought to exchange it-not because of what it looks like, although it is beautiful, but because of it means to him and why he chose it.
Forty years into marriage the sweet sentimental things mean so much more to me now, than they did in my 20's or 30's. That's the way it sometimes goes in very long marriages. You look back and see the road you traveled and things look a little it different.

 

[SimoneDi]

@luv2sparkle I can completely understand where you are coming from and I am certain that it is a good place. Nonetheless, I wholeheartedly disagree with the advice that you have given.
1. This is not a trinket or an inexpensive band that OP should just accept and hope that “it will grow on her” one day. It is a $10k purchase, her only expensive jewel, a jewel that she has been secretly dreaming about for so long. This ring should bring her joy, not in 40years, not in 30 or 20, but in this moment, right now.
2. I would like to think that long gone are the times when a man would be deciding for a woman, even if that decision is an engagement ring, and expect that the woman should simply be happy and content, not have an opinion or feelings about it and just accept the decision that their partner has made on their behalf, without consulting, without an approval.
3. Many women do not wish to have children, so bringing potential grandchildren into this conversation is a little presumptuous.
4. While I completely agree that the little, sweet and sentimental things hold much value, this is a very expensive material purchase, not “a little thing”, especially if OP won’t be able to get a new ring in the future. The life that they will build together and all of the moments that they will share will undoubtedly be the most important. Nonetheless, a bad expensive purchase doesn’t become better with time, so I hope that OP is not afraid to speak up and get what she would really love to wear for a long time.

 

[blueMA]

So you're still within the exchange period. Given that, I really think you should make the tough decision now because I can clearly sense your frustration and bewilderment from your second post. No, nothing will happen miraculously and you should take control of the situation by acting now while you can. Yes he'll be upset, but I promise you it'll be short lived and he'll come around as soon as he sees you beaming with a ring you love, especially since he obviously loves you. You clearly don't love the ring now and I'm afraid you might even start resenting it and simply not wear it, a big money wasted. I've seen this happen many times.

Why don't you exchange the ring for a set of wedding bands instead for him and yourself?
Looks like you'll even have some spare credit to get this lovely necklace on top, or I'm sure you could find something else if you expand your search outside the ring options.
https://www.vancleefarpels.com/eu/e...p0zw00-lotus-openwork-pendant-mini-model.html

I stumbled on the below quote by a chance and I think it applies to your situation -

"Marriage is not about one person controlling herself so she doesn’t sound like a bitch. The woman who will stand by and let her world implode just to avoid sounding like a bitch is the woman who will become the biggest bitch in the universe eventually, because she swallowed her anxieties and fears and never said a peep and it slowly but surely destroyed her."
https://www.thecut.com/2016/05/ask-polly-my-husband-cant-handle-money.html

 

[pearaffair]

OP, to romanticize it: we’ll be making decisions together for the rest of our lives, why don’t w remake this one together? <3

Congrats on your engagement by the way! The ring is just the icing on the cake