The unexpected wedding band proposal...

[Secretdiamondlover]

Dear Price Scope community,
I'm hoping for your kind guidance on my unexpected proposal 10 days ago...
But firstly I should admit - I have been secretly eyeing off discussions/jewels on Price Scope for years. This may sound strange, but I find looking at beautiful jewellery really relaxing and uplifting. I am a humanitarian worker in emergencies (Nigeria, Iraq etc) and sometimes after a tough day I find myself zoning out dreaming of owning a beautiful piece of jewellery (even though I know this is totally at odds with the work I do / poverty in the world etc.) My wonderful partner also does quite dangerous humanitarian work in conflict, and I have never admitted to him my secret dream of owning something very special and beautiful.
10 days ago, my partner proposed, with the Van Cleef & Arpels Estelle Wedding Band: https://www.vancleefarpels.com/eu/e...ng-bands/vcarn57o00-estelle-wedding-band.html
I said yes with no hesitation to him, and the ring is obviously lovely, but my heart is sinking a little bit - I don't love it. Because the ring was considerably too big, we put it back in the box to exchange for the correct size, and I feel bad for saying I was a little relieved by taking it off. A few days latter he said "you don't love the ring do you?" I must've hesitated because he smiled saying "I knew the second you saw it and you gave me your professional face". I have no idea what my professional face is (?!) but at least he knows me well. He asked me to try on the ring again because maybe if I saw it for a second time I'd fall in love. He looked so despondent so I said "yes, let's give that a go" and his entire face lit up. As soon as the ring was back on he was beaming and said "it is absolutely perfect. I knew the second I saw it this was you. It's everything I wanted for you".
The situation now is - he now thinks I am madly in love with the ring, would like me to wear it every day for the rest of my life (literally his words), does not want to exchange it, but very sadly said he would sell it and buy something else if my feelings changed. I am torn between fully embracing this wonderful new chapter of our lives by wearing the (correct size) ring and hoping it grows on me, vs knowing we would never spend that type of money on another ring or jewellery and panicking if this is my only chance, do I break his heart?
Any guidance hugely appreciated...

 

[mrs-b]

Hi @Secretdiamondlover -

Firstly - is he able to return the ring? If not - things become rather more complicated. But for optimism's sake, let's assume that he can....

Before we leap into making suggestions, can you please tell us exactly what it is you dislike about the ring? During those years looking at jewelry on this site, what sort of rings did you truly love? For instance - do you prefer solitaires? Colored gems? Three stone rings?

Also - if you keep this ring, would you ultimately be adding a wedding ring to it, or would this be your only ring? Would you prefer a separate engagement and wedding ring?

For what it's worth, your (very lovely sounding!) fiance would not be the first person to get this wrong, and the sooner the mistake is corrected, the less hurt feelings will be entailed.

So - let's work out what you would prefer, and back out of this misstep as soon as possible.

Also - just to add - Van Cleef and Arpels is a hugely expensive brand, and if brand names mean nothing to you, there are many ways to get rings with greater diamond impact. If your engagement ring is to be your one and only ring, it becomes very important to make sure you have what you love.

If he is unable to return the ring, however, things are more complicated. It's likely he would take a big hit, financially, in reselling it. Are you both willing to do that? He's looking at the loss of thousands of dollars. But even that would be preferable, in my opinion, to wearing a ring you dislike for the rest of your life. The ring he's bought is a VERY specific style of ring and a very detailed look, and if it's not to your taste, there's very few ways you can modify, change or conceal it.

Either way, I would suggest fixing the situation NOW - before he becomes used to seeing it on your finger, and before it becomes attached to memories of spending time together with you - in his mind - all with you wearing this ring. The more attached to it he becomes - and particularly the more attached to it on your hand he becomes - the more difficult it will be to do anything about it.

 

[tkyasx78]

It is a beautiful ring. Having said that,

The real question is what kind of wedding/engagement ring would YOU like?

Can you show some examples of what you wanted?

 

[blueMA]

I totally feel for your disappointment and no doubt you wanted a larger diamond stone to stare into just like most other women. If the ring could be returned, it may be worth a tough discussion elaborating how you've always desired of one day owning a larger diamond. Though I do love the ring you've received and I wish you could keep it as a wedding band and also get a solitaire on top, but this would depend on your financial budget. You may also opt to have a discussion of one day owning a larger solitaire on one of your wedding anniversaries. One way or another, I think you should have a sincere discussion or this will eat you up.

 

[Bron357]

Tricky one this.
Firstly congratulations. Wishing you both much love and happiness.
Now to the issue at hand (no pun intended) are you completely “in love” with a different style of ring for eg I was going to have an EC “come hell or high water” ?
If yes, you definitely need to make your feelings known. It is a ring you are going to wear for the next 40 plus years and as you said, unlikely to ever allocate $$$$ to another ring in the future.
If no, are you NOT particularly in love with any specific type of ring or style so in which case it will probably grow on you? And as a balancing act, seeing as he loves it so much and chose it for you so THAT makes it special enough ?
The point is he has spent a huge sum on this gorgeous ring which he thinks is “perfect” BUT if you aren’t delighted and thrilled you need to speak up now or forever hold your peace.
Yes he might be a bit upset in the short term but he LOVES YOU and he wants you to have the most beautiful and perfect ring so it’s up to you to express your feelings now, while you still can. He certainly doesn’t want you to be “tolerating” or “pretending to love” his choice if it isn’t yours.
And it’s important, for lots of reasons, that you do speak up about your feelings NOW and in the FUTURE.

 

[lovedogs]

First of all, you both sound like lovely people, so congrats on the engagement!! Second, I'm really sorry you don't love the ring. That's a tough situation. I agree with others that it's important for us to know what you *do* love before suggesting anything.

You definitely need to be honest with your fiance, and I echo the hopes that he can return the piece and doesn't have to sell it at a big loss. But honesty is critical, so don't try to spare his feelings and end up with a ring you don't like. But likely the best idea is to figure out what you love, and show him those things so he can see the parts of the current ring that don't work for you.

 

[rockysalamander]

This is a tough one, but many items at V&A can only be returned within 14 days. I'm not positive for rings, but time may be quite short. If you get it re-sized, no return is possible.

I think this is just a need for an honest conversation. Just the first of many in a marriage...

 

[AV_]

Not a bad thing to be stuck with.

It hardly ever happens anymore that people do not know what I like & how & why (!), so even more intriguing when someone does get me wrong (they see what I can't!).

Would you dare ask how he chose VCA (of all places) & this ring?

 

[whitewave]

Wear it on right hand and get what you want on left hand? Get what you want and wear together or alternate?

If you don’t love it now, you are likely going to have more intense feelings later about it.

Good luck! I hope it works out.

 

[cmd2014]

I would give some thought to what you don’t like. The style? Is it uncomfortable? Either way, I think you need to be honest. You love and adore him. You can’t wait to be married to him. But the ring isn’t you. My lovely DH bought me weathered brown leather goods for years because it’s what he loves...and thought I would love them too. The thing is, I don’t wear brown. It looks horrible on me. And it was all a bit 1900’s English professor for me. I had to gently tell him that while the things he bought me were lovely (because they *were* and would have looked great on him), they just didn’t suit me. And I didn’t want him to waste money on things I could objectively admire, but would not get any use out of. Communication, even if temporarily hurtful, is key. You love how thoughtful he was. You can see how he’d think that the ring was you (you might even have picked it out yourself)...but after trying it on your finger, you’ve realized that it’s just not you. And it’s too $$$ to keep if you don’t love it the way you want to. Talk to him. Marriage is hard. Impossible if you can’t be totally honest.

 

[partgypsy]

First congratulations! As someone else said you sound like wonderful people and happy you have found each other. I also know what it is like secretly looking at and enjoying jewelry though it doesn't seem to " fit" who I am in other ways. it's only going to be harder the longer you wait. If there is a way to say something like, the proposal was perfect, because it was you who was proposing, and I want to spend my life with you. I feel bad to tell you this, while this may the dream ring you thought for me, this is not the kind of ring I've been secretly looking and fantasizing about, for awhile. And hopefully that will lead to a productive conversation.

 

[Diamond_Hawk]

Honesty. In my opinion. His feelings are much more likely to recover than your disappointment.

 

[kmoro]

At this point, all I can do is agree with all of those that have advised open and honest communication. It’s a hard message and needs to be delivered in a loving way.

We don’t know what you prefer yet, but if it is a more traditional engagement ring, then he really gave you a way out. It will be easier to say that your objection is mainly due to the type of ring, instead of directly saying that you don’t like his taste. You can explain that you wanted an engagement type ring with a matching wedding band, and how this elaborate wedding ring would not go well with an already elaborate engagement ring. That way, you’re still telling him it’s not the style of wedding band that you would like without simply saying that you don’t like it.

On the other hand, it might be like ripping off a band-aid and just coming out with it will cause the least amount of pain.

Many fiancés really have no concept of how many years some women spend dreaming of the perfect engagement ring. If you’re one of them, it really is important to let him know.

Congratulations on your engagement!!! I hope all turns out better than you hope!

 

[kmoro]

I checked the site ... return or exchange is only allowed within 30 days of delivery. Are you still within the 30 day period? It sounds from your original post that it is not.

You wrote “.... does not want to exchange it, but very sadly said he would sell it and buy something else ... “, which leads me to assume he did not buy it from van kleef arpel’s ... no mention of the 30 days, and it doesn’t make sense to want to sell privately and buy something else without even considering asking for an exchange with the vendor first. Does not make sense at all. Maybe he got a good second hand deal and that look you see partly comes from his lack of recourse should you not like it? A “good deal” would also explain why he chose to propose with a wedding band ... not anything wrong with it! ... just an unusual choice.

If it was me outside of the 30 days, and it was from vankleefarpels, I’d still ask for the refund or exchange ... never know .... worst that can happen is that they say no. It might be easier to get them to go outside policy for an exchange instead of refund. If exchange allowed and with some added luck, maybe they have something else that you love ... or at least like a whole lot. Having said all that. I think your fiancé got the ring somewhere else ... and I don’t there’s anything wrong with that either! Just makes recourse more difficult, unfortunately.

I will stop thinking about this now, lol.

Best of luck!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Honesty. In my opinion. His feelings are much more likely to recover than your disappointment.

Yup. Many of us gals have had the talk with our partners and exchanged/returned/upgraded our rings. As far as I’m aware, the vast majority of the time it turns out just fineness. At the end of the day our partners vastly prefer we be happy.

Imagine the tables were turned, and you got him an expensive watch he didn’t love but you wanted him to wear everyday, wouldn’t you want him to say something?

 

[prs]

The ring is the wrong size so it is going to have to be returned anyway. Why not return it and have it exchanged for something in the same price range that you like a lot more. Maybe this? WWW

 

[rubybeth]

For a $10,000 ring, I'd have to be honest! Also, you can say you love the proposal and the intention and want to shop for something you'll both love, together. I think shopping for rings together is really a nice way to start a marriage. Maybe you can find something for him, as well.

 

[Jacquiemalta]

I'd tell him. You'll have to look at it every day for the rest of your life; his disappointment will fade, especially when he sees how happy you are with your replacement. Just thank him a million times for the new one and for his understanding; he'll get over it

 

[JPie]

Come pull up a chair and I'll tell you a tale of a disappointing engagement ring.

Seriously, as someone who's been in your shoes, I agree with the good advice you've gotten already about having a conversation with your fiance. One of the keys to a solid marriage is being able to give it to your partner straight without crushing his soul.

Oh, and congratulations!

 

[kal2021]

I would tell him in a very sweet and loving way. This is a big purchase and a lot to spend to not be happy. He will be disappointed, but in the end he should understand. I think it would be fun for you to go look together at this point. But I totally understand how hard this conversation will be. I've had to have a few of my own with DH before on various purchases! Many of us have been there in one way or another! I'm just hoping for your sake it can be returned or exchanged.

 

[Secretdiamondlover]

Thank you so much to everyone for these thoughtful replies. You've made me smile a lot. I completely agree about the importance of honest communication, particularly if you're signing up for life!

I didn't explain properly above, but prior to saying 'yes I'll try it on a second time', I gently explained that the ring wasn't what I would've chosen myself. I explained that I would've picked a solitaire or perhaps a 3 stone engagement ring with a coloured stone, and a plain platinum wedding band. I said my preference would be to return the ring and buy something together, OR keep the ring (rather than exchange). I'm sure this sounds absurd (as I'm now learning what a luxury brand VCA is) but there is nothing else on their website I particularly like. My partner admitted the same.

It was after all of this chat that I then tried it on again... and then saw his face... the joy!

He doubled checked, there is no return, just exchange. (Kmoro, he bought it in person at the Paris store so it's all legit but outside of the 30 day period). He has mentioned once or twice I still have the exchange option, but it's like a kid saying something with their fingers crossed, you can see he's hoping against all odds I won't take him up on the offer.

I'm wrestling with the idea that maybe it really is the thought and love and intention that counts, and the ring is fine to live with, if not ideal. Another part of me is totally baffled why he would buy such a ridiculously expensive brand name ring (I own zero branded goods). He explained "Paris was where we fell in love, and then where we made the decision to move in together..etc" so when his work sent him to meetings there, he decided he had to get the ring because all of his best decisions had been made there. My heart was torn between love/optimism and bemusement at such absurdity to make this huge financial decision on the sentimental geographical location.

I guess I was hoping for some kind of miracle, like someone would explain a magical way to return it or sell it, but it sounds very much like I'm going to learn to love it. Thank you again to everyone for the advice.

 

[lovedogs]

Thank you so much to everyone for these thoughtful replies. You've made me smile a lot. I completely agree about the importance of honest communication, particularly if you're signing up for life!

I didn't explain properly above, but prior to saying 'yes I'll try it on a second time', I gently explained that the ring wasn't what I would've chosen myself. I explained that I would've picked a solitaire or perhaps a 3 stone engagement ring with a coloured stone, and a plain platinum wedding band. I said my preference would be to return the ring and buy something together, OR keep the ring (rather than exchange). I'm sure this sounds absurd (as I'm now learning what a luxury brand VCA is) but there is nothing else on their website I particularly like. My partner admitted the same.

It was after all of this chat that I then tried it on again... and then saw his face... the joy!

He doubled checked, there is no return, just exchange. (Kmoro, he bought it in person at the Paris store so it's all legit but outside of the 30 day period). He has mentioned once or twice I still have the exchange option, but it's like a kid saying something with their fingers crossed, you can see he's hoping against all odds I won't take him up on the offer.

I'm wrestling with the idea that maybe it really is the thought and love and intention that counts, and the ring is fine to live with, if not ideal. Another part of me is totally baffled why he would buy such a ridiculously expensive brand name ring (I own zero branded goods). He explained "Paris was where we fell in love, and then where we made the decision to move in together..etc" so when his work sent him to meetings there, he decided he had to get the ring because all of his best decisions had been made there. My heart was torn between love/optimism and bemusement at such absurdity to make this huge financial decision on the sentimental geographical location.

I guess I was hoping for some kind of miracle, like someone would explain a magical way to return it or sell it, but it sounds very much like I'm going to learn to love it. Thank you again to everyone for the advice.

How far out of the 30 day return policy is he? If I were you (or him), I'd be calling the store to explain it was a surprise, and that you just aren't in love with it and begging them to allow the exchange. It's such an expensive piece that it seems crazy to just "learn to love it". His reasoning is SO sweet, and he sounds so nice, but the truth is that you just don't like it. And you aren't going to learn to love it if you don't like it now. That 8.5K (which its showing from my US computer) could be used elsewhere to get you something you love!

 

[Snowdrop13]

Could you exchange it for one of their plain platinum bands? I know it would cost a fair bit less but maybe it’s possible, then you could use the rest of the money for a ring more in keeping with your desires?

 

[lovedogs]

Could you exchange it for one of their plain platinum bands? I know it would cost a fair bit less but maybe it’s possible, then you could use the rest of the money for a ring more in keeping with your desires?

My guess is that they'd only let them get "store credit", meaning they won't get the difference as a refund

 

[bludiva]

I guess I was hoping for some kind of miracle, like someone would explain a magical way to return it or sell it, but it sounds very much like I'm going to learn to love it. Thank you again to everyone for the advice.

Fwiw, I've had an adjustment period with almost every high-priced item (my engagement ring, my wedding band, most of my furniture, etc.) where at first I didn't really like it or something felt off. I grew to like or love them. Perhaps in time you will love your ring - it is quite a beautiful band. But if not, at the very least it is a reminder of such a sweet sentiment. If finances allow, perhaps you can add a colored 3 stone to wear with it or on the opposite hand? It sounds like you don't like things that are too flashy but that could go nicely and still be discreet. And it's not unheard of to change wedding sets over time, if it is still bothering you in a year or two, perhaps discuss changing it up. Good luck - you sound like a lovely couple.

 

[tigertales]

So not you.
but, sincerest Congrats on the proposal.

Obviously I don't know you, but from what you've written, I can tell that your personality does not go with this ring. It's beautiful, no doubt, but looks 'de trop' for the field you're in.
Please tell your guy immediately...most houses offer returns within 14-30 days, especially under these conditions where it's a surprise.
I see you wearing a lovely plain band most of the time, with a classic engagement ring that you wear on dressier, or personal, days.
Oh and FWIW, there is no such thing as learning to love it. Love at first sight is my rule, as in now or never.

 

[lovedogs]

So not you.
but, sincerest Congrats on the proposal.

Obviously I don't know you, but from what you've written, I can tell that your personality does not go with this ring. It's beautiful, no doubt, but looks 'de trop' for the field you're in. Also, it's 'estate' which is just a fancier way of saying "used", and not by your grandmother, either, someone you don't know. You may be sensitive to their energy.
Please tell your guy immediately...most houses offer returns within 14-30 days, especially under these conditions where it's a surprise.
I see you wearing a lovely plain band most of the time, with a classic engagement ring that you wear on dressier, or personal, days.

It's not used. It's from van cleef directly. And op said that there was a 30 return period, but it's been more than 30 days.

 

[Gussie]

So not you.
but, sincerest Congrats on the proposal.

Obviously I don't know you, but from what you've written, I can tell that your personality does not go with this ring. It's beautiful, no doubt, but looks 'de trop' for the field you're in. Also, it's 'estate' which is just a fancier way of saying "used", and not by your grandmother, either, someone you don't know. You may be sensitive to their energy.
Please tell your guy immediately...most houses offer returns within 14-30 days, especially under these conditions where it's a surprise.
I see you wearing a lovely plain band most of the time, with a classic engagement ring that you wear on dressier, or personal, days.
Oh and FWIW, there is no such thing as learning to love it. Love at first sight is my rule, as in now or never.

Huh? OP said her fiance got it at VCA-Paris. I don't believe she said it was estate.

 

[GliderPoss]

I would exchange it with VCA for a plain platinum band and use the remaining store credit to get some nice earrings or a necklace to match. Give it a year or so then gently open the topic about upgrading or getting a eternity ring in a style that you prefer.

 

[tigertales]

yes, I corrected that. I scanned the link too quickly and thought it said "estate", not Estelle! But thank you for pointing that out!