Spanking Children

[Allison D.]

I guess that if you''re taught that hitting is OK, when your parents hit you, then you think it''s fine to hit others.

I realize many feel this is cause and effect, but I do disagree that spanking teaches that ''hitting is okay".

I was spanked (rarely) and yet didn''t think it was fine to hit others.

I understood the difference between spanking (as an authoritative consequence/correction) and hitting others.

I understood the difference between screaming "noooooooooooooooo" when I didn''t want something and politely saying "no thank you".

 

[Allison D.]

For what it''s worth, I don''t think anything is an ''absolute'' yes or no when it comes to parenting. There isn''t any ''one size fits all'' style of parenting, nor is there a consistent "one size fits all" type of child.

To me, parenting is about recognizing what tools work with a given kid, and since not all kids are the same, not all methods will work/not work equally.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/26/2010 5:11:11 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 4/26/2010 4:54:59 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/26/2010 4:11:44 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
I''m firmly in the no camp.

My parents both used violence as a discipline tool - my mother in the heat of temper and my father calmly, with explanation and declarations of great love and affection.
I dislike both of them for this. I do not respect them, I do not care to be in their company and I will never, ever leave my child with them.

I certainly did fear them as a child. They taught me to cut them out emotionally, to keep them at a distance and to make sure they did not know what I was doing. I became a secretive, wilfully disobedient child from a remarkable early age. I also lied to them most days. I made a point of only giving misinformation about my life on everything from the most trivial detail. It became a habit from about age 10. I didn''t trust them and I didn''t like them. I left home when I turned 16 (very much against their wishes).

When I was about 13, I think, my mother went at me and I picked up the nearest thing I could find (a broom) and got in one lucky swipe that knocked her front teeth out. Can''t say I''m sorry - that''s what she taught me. If someone is doing something you don''t like, hit them.

So no, I won''t be hitting my daughter. The idea makes me physically sick. I feel nauseous and shaky typing this, so I''ll leave it alone now.

I''m so sorry to hear this MrsM. For what it''s worth, it does sound you came out of it with an amazing sense of humor, for what little I know about you.

My mother doesn''t like my sense of humour. I get her denture tablets as a gift when she really annoys me...

Kidding, kidding, I don''t think that''s one either of us would ever really laugh about. I did survive pretty well, I think, but I don''t want my baby to survive my parenting, I want her to thrive because of it. Something you said elsewhere really resonated with me - something about Amelia being with us for a short time, and wanting to make it good for her. I''m paraphrasing, because I can''t remember the exact words, but the sentiment struck a chord. Plus, I don''t even have to change the name...

Haha, I think I said that her short time in our home is the gateway to her future.

FWIW, my father was abusive. Hit my mother, and at home point got really really PO''d at me. I locked myself in the bathroom and when I finally did come out (after he tried to break it down, btw) he grabbed me, threw me down on the floor and kicked me in the face, drawing blood. I still remember it like it was yesterday...he threw me in to a dark bedroom and I could see his silhouette against the light of the door frame. I couldn''t see his face but I could feel his rage. I didn''t see the foot coming though.

But I knew the difference between him and my mom. Granted, I think if my dad beat me like that on a regular basis, I would have been skittish about ANYONE laying a finger on me. I didn''t like nor respect my father for a very very long time (and in fact, struggled with his eulogy at his funeral because I couldn''t think of much that was nice to say about him), but I loved my mom. I always felt like any discipline she inflicted on me was to make ME a better person and teach me what was right. With a dad, it was only to wield power, hear himself talk or just make my life miserable.

I still have issues with my front teeth. One "died" and became grayish into my early highschool years. I got hit in the face by a couple of things when I was a kid (golf ball and baseball) but now that I think about it, my dad kicking my mouth probably didn''t help.

 

[Pandora II]

I spanked Daisy the other day - and I''m furious with myself as I really don''t want to go down that road and actually don''t agree with spanking at all.

I was majorly sleep deprieved and when she bit me for the nth time that day I was furious and swatted her behind... she laughed at me so I don''t think I did any damage to her, but I was very upset with myself.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/26/2010 5:23:18 PM
Author: Allison D.
For what it''s worth, I don''t think anything is an ''absolute'' yes or no when it comes to parenting. There isn''t any ''one size fits all'' style of parenting, nor is there a consistent ''one size fits all'' type of child.

To me, parenting is about recognizing what tools work with a given kid, and since not all kids are the same, not all methods will work/not work equally.

Bingo. I was the type of kid who could be spanked and understand that it didn''t mean I could hit others. I just knew that intuitively. There are probably others who don''t like it period, lose respect and will not tolerate it at all, nor will it help anything.

I think we all know how to stick a square peg into a round hole. If spanking, time outs, whatever, isn''t working, better find something that IS effective.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 4/26/2010 5:23:28 PM
Author: Pandora II
I spanked Daisy the other day - and I''m furious with myself as I really don''t want to go down that road and actually don''t agree with spanking at all.

I was majorly sleep deprieved and when she bit me for the nth time that day I was furious and swatted her behind... she laughed at me so I don''t think I did any damage to her, but I was very upset with myself.

Don''t beat yourself up. As wholly anti hitting as I am, I can totally understand that. It isn''t your child-rearing policy, but you snapped and you probably got a shock when those razor-like little teeth made contact, too.

Amelia bit me once a few months back and I pulled my arm away sharpish, unfortunately catching the side of her jaw with my hand - she moved as I moved just at the wrong moment. Totally unintentional and accidental, a startled reflex, but I felt dreadful for days after. Which, now I come to think about it, is how she went totally un-punished for biting me. Hmm.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/26/2010 3:01:56 PM
Author: Allison D.
Again, not a parent, so take my theorum with a huge grain of salt.

By whatever means it takes, I think they key message for kids is ''actions have consequences''. Sometimes those are good consequences: Study=excel on exam/praise from parent/attain good grade, or do weekly chores=earn allowance. Sometimes they are bad consequences: unruly behavior=time out/loss of privilege, or defiance/lying=spanking or loss of privilege.

Like Mara, I''m not a fan of the ''scoreless sports''. You can praise a child''s efforts even as you share his disappointment that another child won; this is an *important* life lesson. It''s also important to understand that oftentimes, efforts is linked to results. It helps in goalsetting and attaining achievements, i.e. earning a diploma, degree, etc. It''s not enough just to show up at school and go through the motions; you have to work to earn the grade.

Growing up in my house, my parents'' collective take on parenting was ''it''s our job to prepare you for what you''ll encounter in life when you grow up''. That was their foundation. I learned that I couldn''t mistreat others because there would be consequences. I learned that there were expectations placed on my behavior, and consequences (good and bad) associated with how I did (or didn''t) meet those expectations. I was spanked, but seldom needed it sheerly because I knew my parents would act if need. More than anything, I understood that they were consistent, so I knew exactly what to expect and that by itself deterred much unwanted behavior.

Scoreless sports. Stupidest dang thing I''ve ever heard of. It''s that mentality that gives us eighth grade "graduations", a great thrash of over-praise for a complete non-event if there ever was one, and for the REAL graduation in 12th grade, nowadays gives us upwards of 40 valedictorians, (hey, can''t have anyone having to suffer one minute of disappointment can we?), and has helicopter parents of GROWN children marching into the HR departments of the companies their kids work for to try to ARGUE that Not-So-Little Johhny has a perfectly good reason for being a lazyass and how DARE you not take that into account when you reprimanded or fired him. (And no, I''m not making any of this up). I''m ashamed to say that this is the legacy of MY generation, which has a BUNCH to answer for.

My mom swatted me twice that I recall. Once I was playing and screaming outside, after she had expressly forbidden this. She let me know in no uncertain terms that screaming was only to be done if I was being severely injured or killed, since she didn''t know the difference, and would always respond as if I WAS being killed, and had NO intention of being scared like that. I can assure you there was no more screaming after that. I only vaguely recall the other, but it was also something expressly forbidden.

I think that done properly, it can be "punctuation". The problem I see is that most parents don''t know how or when to apply, or how little it usually takes, or use it as the primary mode of disciplne, or do it out of anger, and that''s bad news. Judging by some of these posts, I''m spot on here.

My mom''s major mode of discipline for me, was "THE LECTURE". OMG. Fate worse than DEATH. I would have preferred being beaten. They went on and on and on....disappointed....blah blah. They worked I can tell you. I''d do ANYTHING to NOT be lectured! LOL! A perfect example of using the proper motivation for a specific child.
She also used "The Look". The Look was subtle. There was just the most incredibly subtle tightening of the eyes that no one noticed but me, and I KNEW, I was toast. Not a word spoken, and I would almost freeze in place. And her favorite phrase was, "Get that look off your face right now." I wasn''t even allowed to LOOK rebellious.

I got her though, when I was about 16. I had done...something....I don''t recall what, and she was ''disappointed" in me. Pacing back and forth in between rounds of verbiage telling me just how much I''d disappointed her. (Understand of course, I adored my mom and disappointing her really was painful for me) So I''m sitting there all meek and taking it with no backtalk. However, she was beginning to go on a bit, so in one of her pacing fits, where you could tell she was winding up for her 15th wind, I just said really sweetly, "Um...Mom? Is this going to take much longer? I have homework...". She told me later, that it was like she''d just been punctured....there I was sitting there, long-suffering, and she just looked at me and said, "Oh....heck...just go do your homework." We laughed bunches over that one.

My mom was the best....

 

[somethingshiny]

I was spanked all the time as a child and I was never defiant or aggressive. My brother was also spanked all the time and was defiant and aggressive. Spanking is another thing that I think registers with certain kids and doesn''t with others. I think parents need to find the most appropriate punishment for each child.

DH and I decided (before we had children) that we would spank in cases of putting him/herself or someone else in danger. Running into the road, smacking a kid with a stick, etc. We also decided that we wouldn''t just reach out and whack the child without telling them it was coming though. As a child I think the "attacked" feeling was more harmful than the actual spankings. So, we say, "you did such and such and now you get a spanking."

 

[TravelingGal]

I wish I could share this thread with my friends who are parents, but I can''t since I prefer to keep PS to myself.

It''s an interesting discussion on both sides, and 3 pages of polite debate/conversation on a hot topic. That''s impressive.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I''m impressed with this thread too. I think it''s coming from a position of sharing experiences and being interested in how other people view this, rather than "this is what I do, so you must be wrong..."

TGal, I didn''t comment on the memories you shared about your father last night. To be honest, I found it too upsetting. This morning, re-reading your posts, I wanted to say I''m sorry that you had to live with a violent parent. I''m impressed that you''re as normal and well balanced as you are...

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 4/27/2010 3:58:56 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

I''m impressed with this thread too. I think it''s coming from a position of sharing experiences and being interested in how other people view this, rather than ''this is what I do, so you must be wrong...''

Thritto! There are just so many intelligent ladies here, and it really is enlightening to hear everyone''s experiences and what has influenced their decisions.

I can''t think of a single other source where I feel like I learn so much.

 

[geckodani]

Not a parent yet, so take this with the salt shaker.

DH and I are thinking about TTC soon, and the topic of spanking came up. We are both pro, but only until said child is old enough to have some logic functions up and running. You can''t (at least in my experience) reason much with a toddler. I certainly plan to try

but if I''m in a situation where small person is not listening, not obeying, and really, really needs to be corrected in that moment (running into street, running up to strangers, I dunno, those are the ones that come to mind) and a swat to the behind is the only way to get their attention in that moment, I''m all for it.

I was spanked as a child, both "correctly" and in anger. I remember being spanked for running into the street. I never ran into the street again. I also remember my mother coming after me with a wooden spoon when she was angry at me for mouthing off as a teen. That one was ineffective and not so good. (I was not injured, my mom is still my best friend, and that was not a regular occurance).

 

[swingirl]

As I read the posts from people who were spanked as a child it makes me wonder. For some it left very negative memories and for others they felt they deserved it and are better for it. But I haven't read posts from people who were not spanked but wish they were. There are those who wished their parents disciplined them more. But has anyone said they wished they were spanked? Chime is if you wanted to be spanked more.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 1:12:48 PM
Author: swingirl
As I read the posts from people who were spanked as a child it makes me wonder. For some it left very negative memories and for others they felt they deserved it and are better for it. But I haven''t read posts from people who were not spanked but wish they were. There are those who wished their parents disciplined them more. But has anyone said they wished they were spanked?

I don''t think you''ll find anyone who wished to be spanked if they feel they turned out alright (which most people do). I never got grounded or had time outs or anything else that was the hot discipline technique at the time and looking back, I never wished I got any of those things. In fact, it seems kind of a weird question to me?

Are you saying that from those people who wished they had more discipline, you are wondering if that includes the wish to be spanked?

One thing I do see (and as ksinger pointed out) that the people who were affected very negatively seemed (by my definition anyway) to be beaten vs spanked. It was out of anger and pervasive.

 

[somethingshiny]

I was beaten and spanked. I was spanked everyday by my mother until I was 10 or so. (literally, everyday) She only used her hand, never a "weapon." I think I earned several of those spankings but certainly not all of them. I do think I was spanked too much by her but I don''t think it really affected me or my personality in a terrible way.

My dad was more into the beatings. Those were never earned and struck fear in me. I was in the 2nd grade and my dad was trying to teach me how to page him on his pager. I couldn''t remember all the numbers and codes so he began smacking me in the face. About an hour into this he hit me so hard I peed my pants. My mom had to keep me home from school for days until the bruises healed. This was only one of the incidences I had with him. Although I hated him at the time for it, I''ve forgiven him. And, even though these things happened, I really don''t feel they really affected who I became as an adult either (I don''t like to be hit but I don''t know anyone who does). Sure it sucked. But, there''s a time when you have to get over anything your parents did/didn''t do and take responsibility for your own life/actions/happiness.

Spanking to me is ONLY with a hand on the bottom. Anything used to spank (paddle, belt, etc) or not hitting on the bottom is a "beating" to me. Spanking is a disciplinary tool, beating is just beating.

I actually DO know someone who wonders what would have happened if they were spanked. My DH was never really spanked or disciplined at all. He does wonder what would have changed in his personality if he had received some discipline.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/27/2010 9:25:41 AM
Author: geckodani
Not a parent yet, so take this with the salt shaker.

DH and I are thinking about TTC soon, and the topic of spanking came up. We are both pro, but only until said child is old enough to have some logic functions up and running. You can''t (at least in my experience) reason much with a toddler. I certainly plan to try

but if I''m in a situation where small person is not listening, not obeying, and really, really needs to be corrected in that moment (running into street, running up to strangers, I dunno, those are the ones that come to mind) and a swat to the behind is the only way to get their attention in that moment, I''m all for it.

I was spanked as a child, both ''correctly'' and in anger. I remember being spanked for running into the street. I never ran into the street again. I also remember my mother coming after me with a wooden spoon when she was angry at me for mouthing off as a teen. That one was ineffective and not so good. (I was not injured, my mom is still my best friend, and that was not a regular occurance).

Yes, it''s punctuation. Emphasis. It''s NOT the punishment. I know my mom told me that you should never have reason to raise a hand to a child except as that, and then only up to a certain age - I don''t remember that either one of the "swattings" I had were past the age of ...6? , at which time, if you didn''t have your bluff in already (which should happen around 2-3), you were pretty much screwed. I know she had utter disdain for any parent who could not completely control their young children. She always said that if there was a behavioral problem (temper tantrums, etc) that there was a problem with the parent, not the child. "If I can''t get a 2 year old to do exactly what I want - if with all my experience I can''t outsmart him", she would say, "what chance will I ever have when that kid is 10, or 16?".

To that I would add my personal observation that I believe spanking can be very bad used on the wrong child, hence the problems you see. I''m not against it per se, but as I''ve said before, most people don''t know how to do and so probably should just avoid it for other methods. My mom - who virtually raised her 2 younger siblings (2 and 7 at the time) after her father died untimely and her mother had to go to work - was extremely sensitive and observant and realized that "The Lecture" was going to be her best bet with me, and used that. It suited her temperment more anyway.

We talked bunches she and I, in later years. She would have been a tough act to follow admittedly - large shoes to fill, but I had good example at least. So when I talk about child-rearing, please understand that I''m channeling the Svengali of children. Even in her later years, she could walk outside her apartment door and in 10 minutes be surrounded by every kid in the complex. Just drawn to her. Babies in the grocery would immediately stop crying and smile when she stared them down. I know it sounds like fantasy, but I promise it wasn''t. It was just uncanny.

God I miss my mom....

 

[anchor31]

I saw a segment on this on the news recently. Thing is, I don''t consider what I saw in this segment as spanking, but straight out beating. To me, spanking is a controlled swat on the bum with the hand, not done in anger, but what I saw was pretty much hitting anywhere with anything, and in anger. To me, that is not ok.

I can honestly say I don''t remember if I was ever spanked. I remember time outs, being sent to my room, standing in the corner, being grounded. My dad grabbed me pretty forcefully by the arm a couple of times and I found it pretty scary. I remember a few fists against the countertop and yelling incidents too. However, I also remember my mom telling my dad to stop trying to quit smoking... My dad is normally the kind of man who wouldn''t hurt a fly, but when he tried to quit smoking, he really wasn''t a very patient man anymore. When he finally did quit 10 years ago, he had a goal, quitting aids and a quitting patrner so it really helped!

I''m not 100% sure if I will spank my children or not. I will definitely try to do time-outs etc. before the spanking.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/27/2010 3:58:56 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
I''m impressed with this thread too. I think it''s coming from a position of sharing experiences and being interested in how other people view this, rather than ''this is what I do, so you must be wrong...''

TGal, I didn''t comment on the memories you shared about your father last night. To be honest, I found it too upsetting. This morning, re-reading your posts, I wanted to say I''m sorry that you had to live with a violent parent. I''m impressed that you''re as normal and well balanced as you are...

Thanks MrsM. But I think if you survive an abusive parent, you come out stronger AND stranger!

I used to say I just couldn''t identify with people who had idyllic childhoods where they played kicked the can with the neighborhood kids. I was probably jealous, but I did find that not everyone really got my darker sense of humor.

Maybe that''s why I''ve always found you very amusing...and we have kids with the same name!

 

[Allison D.]

I haven''t read posts from people who weren''t spanked but wish they were, either.....but neither have I read posts from people who didn''t have timeout/grounding/revocation of privileges saying they wish they''d had those experiences, either.

From reading the many varied responses here, I do strongly come away with the belief that it''s important to acknowledge the child in selecting a form of correction and choosing the ones that may be best suited for that given child, and that *how* the corrections are administered is just as important. Before reading T-Gals'' post about T-Guy''s issues from having been made to stand in the corner, it would never have occurred to me that standing in the corner would have such a lasting effect.

I''ve also been struck in this thread with just how strongly people may feel about how they were disciplined, regardless of method, even long after it''s over. For me, it was ''over once it was over'' in most cases, so it never crossed my mind that it was have such lasting impressions.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

As a future child psychologist, my opinion is that the term "spanking" can mean different things to different people. Traveling Gal has a point in that spanking which is not done in anger and not associated with humiliation, intrusiveness, or hostility, and is paired with parental warmth, probably has less negative effects on a child than spanking that is angry, hostile, intrusive, aggressive and meant to scare the crap out of their kid. That being said, there is little research in the area demonstrating that spanking in any form is a better form of parenting than other measures (e.g. time outs).

 

[megumic]

Love the convo on this. But back to the study...

Many of us won''t eat cold-cuts or sushi during pregnancy because of the *risk* of becoming ill and/or harming our unborn baby. Are you willing to spank at the risk your child being more aggressive? I mean, this only holds if the study is in fact conclusively correct.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/28/2010 11:04:44 AM
Author: megumic
Love the convo on this. But back to the study...

Many of us won''t eat cold-cuts or sushi during pregnancy because of the *risk* of becoming ill and/or harming our unborn baby. Are you willing to spank at the risk your child being more aggressive? I mean, this only holds if the study is in fact conclusively correct.

I won''t eat cold cuts or sushi because the risk (what tiny risk there is) includes possible death. I don''t know...possible death is kind of a big deterrent for me.

Again, because of what my belief of spanking is (closer to what ksinger calls "punctuation"), I don''t believe that it will lead to the child being more aggressive in and of itself.

I know plenty of people of people who drink coffee and take in caffeine during their pregnancy at the risk of the child being more of a spaz, so I''d call that a more appropriate analogy.

 

[JSM]

Interesting conversation!

DH and I don't have children yet, but we have talked about this issue extensively (no conclusions, I imagine we'll make different decisions once we become parents). I think spanking can be an effective attention grabber, much like TGal describes. I was spanked in anger by my mom and was very resentful of it for a long time. She didn't really hit my other three siblings unless absolutely necessary. I still think, with young children, that a smack on the butt can help focus the child.

Unless, of course, you are a kid like DH, who would laugh at you when spanked. I am worried about disciplining our future children because he was an absolute TERROR child; high strung, defiant, chaos-inducing. The only thing that worked, and I am not joking, is that when his dad would get home from work he would put on BOXING GLOVES, make DH do the same, and fight it out. Literally. And this started at the age of 4 or 5 and continued until his dad left at 14 (or so). I was horrified when I learned of this! It is no wonder why DH grew up as aggressive and violent as he did. Even now, he has the urge to get in fights when he is upset and irritated (he doesn't, of course, but the desire remains).

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/28/2010 1:54:17 PM
Author: jsm
Interesting conversation!

DH and I don''t have children yet, but we have talked about this issue extensively (no conclusions, I imagine we''ll make different decisions once we become parents). I think spanking can be an effective attention grabber, much like TGal describes. I was spanked in anger by my mom and was very resentful of it for a long time. She didn''t really hit my other three siblings unless absolutely necessary. I still think, with young children, that a smack on the butt can help focus the child.

Unless, of course, you are a kid like DH, who would laugh at you when spanked. I am worried about disciplining our future children because he was an absolute TERROR child; high strung, defiant, chaos-inducing. The only thing that worked, and I am not joking, is that when his dad would get home from work he would put on BOXING GLOVES, make DH do the same, and fight it out. Literally. And this started at the age of 4 or 5 and continued until his dad left at 14 (or so). I was horrified when I learned of this! It is no wonder why DH grew up as aggressive and violent as he did. Even now, he has the urge to get in fights when he is upset and irritated (he doesn''t, of course, but the desire remains).

 

[Haven]

I think any discipline that effectively teaches children boundaries without hurting them (physically or emotionally) is a good thing. I like the distinction between spanking and beating--I think there's a big difference, there. If spanking works, great, but I'd never condone beating a child.

I was rarely disciplined, and by rarely I mean almost never. When I did do enough to get anyone's attention, the only response was either a very scary look from my mom, or several minutes of yelling. I do wish my parents had disciplined me more, or at all, even. I remember feeling kind of crappy when I came home after staying out all night without permission, and I was nervous that my parents would be hysterical and worried when I walked in. Instead, they looked up from breakfast and said "Oh--did you stay out last night? We didn't even realize it." That just didn't feel good. (I was 16.)

I can really only remember two occassions where I was disciplined--the first was when I hit a parked car, drove away, and was reported to the police. That was the day I got my driver's license. My mom yelled at my friends, and then at me, and refused to make an insurance claim so I had to slowly pay off the damages. That was it, though. I still had a car to drive, nothing else really changed.

The second was when I snuck into a boyfriend's house to sleep over after the homecoming dance and told my parents that I was sleeping at a friend's house. My parents weren't the ones who disciplined me, though, it was my boyfriend's mother. And she was scary.

Do I wish they had spanked me as a child? I dunno, sure, why not? It would have been better than nothing.

ETA: I went on a tangent and forgot to write what I wanted to share originally.

As a high school teacher, I could definitely tell the difference between:
- Students who have little to no discipline at home
- Students whose parents use fear or force to discipline them
- Students whose parents use reason to discipline them
- Students whose parents use bribery to discipline them
- Students whose parents want to be their friends

Just an observation.

 

[ksinger]

Date: 4/28/2010 6:43:46 PM
Author: Haven
I think any discipline that effectively teaches children boundaries without hurting them (physically or emotionally) is a good thing. I like the distinction between spanking and beating--I think there''s a big difference, there. If spanking works, great, but I''d never condone beating a child.

I was rarely disciplined, and by rarely I mean almost never. When I did do enough to get anyone''s attention, the only response was either a very scary look from my mom, or several minutes of yelling. I do wish my parents had disciplined me more, or at all, even. I remember feeling kind of crappy when I came home after staying out all night without permission, and I was nervous that my parents would be hysterical and worried when I walked in. Instead, they looked up from breakfast and said ''Oh--did you stay out last night? We didn''t even realize it.'' That just didn''t feel good. (I was 16.)

I can really only remember two occassions where I was disciplined--the first was when I hit a parked car, drove away, and was reported to the police. That was the day I got my driver''s license. My mom yelled at my friends, and then at me, and refused to make an insurance claim so I had to slowly pay off the damages. That was it, though. I still had a car to drive, nothing else really changed.

The second was when I snuck into a boyfriend''s house to sleep over after the homecoming dance and told my parents that I was sleeping at a friend''s house. My parents weren''t the ones who disciplined me, though, it was my boyfriend''s mother. And she was scary.

Do I wish they had spanked me as a child? I dunno, sure, why not? It would have been better than nothing.

Bravo Haven. You''ve just demonstrated why it''s SO important to discipline children. YOU were apparently a mellow kid, but I know so many who act out all the time, BEGGING their parents "PLEASE stop me! NOTICE ME DAMMIT!! I''m out of control!! I don''t know where the EDGE is! Tell me! The world is TOO BIG RIGHT NOW!" These poor children so need boundaries that so many many parents do not provide. It''s heartbreaking to see, and you see it with way too many kids. Their parents won''t control them long enough for them to learn self-control, and so they never do.

Yes, your parents were damn lucky.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 4/28/2010 6:43:46 PM
Author: Haven

ETA: I went on a tangent and forgot to write what I wanted to share originally.

As a high school teacher, I could definitely tell the difference between:
- Students who have little to no discipline at home
- Students whose parents use fear or force to discipline them
- Students whose parents use reason to discipline them
- Students whose parents use bribery to discipline them
- Students whose parents want to be their friends

Just an observation.

As an elementary teacher, I can tell the difference between those things too, and it''s sad when a child rules the roost (I work with 6-8 year olds). I have a few students who I''d BET call the shots in their house, and it''s pretty horrifying.

I was spanked as a kid and I didn''t like it, but I survived. I remember one time I ran into a parking lot as my dad and I left a store, and he spanked me when he caught up to me. I cried but I got the message loud and clear. I honestly don''t know what I''ll do if we have kids. I''m on the fence about my beliefs on spanking.

 

[Porridge]

Date: 4/28/2010 6:43:46 PM
Author: Haven
I think any discipline that effectively teaches children boundaries without hurting them (physically or emotionally) is a good thing. I like the distinction between spanking and beating--I think there's a big difference, there. If spanking works, great, but I'd never condone beating a child.


I was rarely disciplined, and by rarely I mean almost never. When I did do enough to get anyone's attention, the only response was either a very scary look from my mom, or several minutes of yelling. I do wish my parents had disciplined me more, or at all, even. I remember feeling kind of crappy when I came home after staying out all night without permission, and I was nervous that my parents would be hysterical and worried when I walked in. Instead, they looked up from breakfast and said 'Oh--did you stay out last night? We didn't even realize it.' That just didn't feel good. (I was 16.)


I can really only remember two occassions where I was disciplined--the first was when I hit a parked car, drove away, and was reported to the police. That was the day I got my driver's license. My mom yelled at my friends, and then at me, and refused to make an insurance claim so I had to slowly pay off the damages. That was it, though. I still had a car to drive, nothing else really changed.


The second was when I snuck into a boyfriend's house to sleep over after the homecoming dance and told my parents that I was sleeping at a friend's house. My parents weren't the ones who disciplined me, though, it was my boyfriend's mother. And she was scary.


Do I wish they had spanked me as a child? I dunno, sure, why not? It would have been better than nothing.

ITA with all this, my parents were the same. My Dad is very indirect - it was all hints and comparisons to other people, and it was then left for me to figure out what he actually wanted me to do. Mum is just totally chilled out, but she is definitely more direct. As a young child I remember her being the slightly stricter one, but as a teen there were almost no rules. I didn't rebel, but I do wish there had been more structure there. I find in adulthood I'm less sure of my decisions than I'd like to be. But anyway, that's on me now and no parents are perfect! Maybe I'd have rebelled had I been disciplined more, who knows.