Spanking Children

[megumic]

A recent article in TIME discussed a study that determined spanking children has long-term effects, such as defiance and aggressive behavior. Link to Article While I didn''t pick a part the study, this is an interesting topic and it got me thinking. FI and I do not have children yet, but we plan to TTC within the next year and frequently talk about how we''ll raise our kids, what we will and won''t do, etc.

I was personally never spanked, and FI and I have decided not to spank our children. Although he was spanked (in the back of Catholic Mass on several occasions!), we will not spank our children as we feel it will only instill fear and that there must be a better way to communicate consequences than making them afraid. That said, I know many believe in using and the laws fully protect corporal punishment. In some states, even teachers are allowed to impose reasonable corporal punishment.

What are your experiences with spanking and what are your thoughts as to its effects.

 

[swingirl]

There are other threads on PS about this subject. It''s been hashed over a lot. You might try to find the other threads. One was quite recent. Bottom line the "spankers" believe they have the best method of disipline and the "non-spankers" believe they have. It also seems cultural.

 

[E B]

I read that article (in the same issue is a fascinating story about the history of the birth control pill!) and spoke to my mom about it just tonight when she joked that I should have spanked my son for something. She wasn't serious, but I mentioned the article to her because I was spanked as a child, though not very often.

Somewhat OT: I remember the head of my preschool spanking children as a form of punishment. He wouldn't get away with it today, that's for sure.

We won't be spanking our children. My husband is very against it, and for the most part, so am I. I don't think it scarred me much (though some of my clearest childhood memories are of being spanked) but I don't believe it's the best form of punishment. At the time, perhaps, but not long-term, as the study shows.

 

[PumpkinPie]

This is usually a hot topic on any forum - I remember being spanked as a child and don''t know that it did me any harm - however, we will probably not spank any future kids we may end up with

 

[iheartscience]

I have no children but if I do have any, I definitely won''t spank them. I''m not sure how any parent thinks spanking is okay. I know it''s just a photo illustration, but the picture in the Time article says it all. How could you do that to your kid and think it''s a good idea? But I''m sure the proponents of spanking won''t let a little thing like hard evidence dissuade them.

 

[TravelingGal]

I am pro spanking, but I do agree with this article. That''s because I think that a huge majority of people who spank do it incorrectly and out of anger and frustration. For too many people, it''s used as a first line of defense, which I don''t think works and as the article says, lessens the effectiveness over time. This is why I think that MOST people have no business spanking their kids. It also depends on the child as to how effective it''s going to be.

My brother and I were both properly spanked. My mother did not spank out of anger. It was very controlled. Hand to the butt only, and always an explanation for why we were being spanked. I knew every time that my mom loved me. Neither my brother or I are aggressive and I honestly think we both were good kids and both level headed adults. My mom raised us with a lot of love, which helped.

I pretty much use time outs with Amelia because they are effective (consistency is key with any kind of discipline anyway). I have spanked her only a couple of times, but my memory is getting hazy on the reason why. The one I know for sure is because she insisted on running up driveways when we were walking somewhere. I equate driveways with the street (you never know who is in a car and ready to back out). She insisted, became defiant, so I gave her a solid swat on the backside and told her, "no" and pointed to the driveway. She''s never gone up one since, and this was many months ago. Nor have I needed to spank her since, I believe.

People dole out punishments because they''re mad. Even with timeouts, she only goes in for tangible reasons...not because she''s being annoying or whiny. She goes in for throwing and hitting. I think it''s good to have a few things in the arsenal, spanking included, but to spank willy nilly doesn''t work all that well IMHO. However, saying that spanking is humiliating and shouldn''t be used doesn''t fly with me. Sending a kid to stand in the the corner of a room is also humilating, and in fact, TGuy has lasting issues that stems from being made to stand in the corner of a room. Go figure.

Also, a lot of people confuse proper spanking with beating. My cousin was pretty much beat by her mother and she does have lasting issues about the whole thing. Her mother also never told her verbally that she loved her and was not affectionate.

I have told TGuy that he is not to spank Amelia. Why? Because I think he''d do it while angry (and he agrees), and I don''t want anyone to lay a finger on Amelia in anger. Spanking has a place when done properly and for reasons that make sense. But we are fortunate in this day and age that there are a lot of other great discipline techniques that our parents didn''t really know about. The key is to act decisively and quickly - and consistently of course. IMHO there''s just too much loosey goosey when it comes to discipline these days with parents trying to talk and reason WAY too much out with young children (toddlers, specifically).

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/26/2010 12:17:01 AM
Author: thing2of2
I have no children but if I do have any, I definitely won''t spank them. I''m not sure how any parent thinks spanking is okay. I know it''s just a photo illustration, but the picture in the Time article says it all. How could you do that to your kid and think it''s a good idea? But I''m sure the proponents of spanking won''t let a little thing like hard evidence dissuade them.

You know what I remember about my mom spanking me? That she was so SAD to do it. I think that''s what really affected me. The way my mother spanked was to sit me down, tell me why she was disappointed in what I did, and then I stood up and she spanked my butt anywhere from one to three times. And I could see it broke her heart to do it. Honestly, the spanking really never hurt all that much.

I think more than doing something like send me to my room or grounding me (which I thought was just a "white person" punishment at the time because no asian kids I knew got grounded), the spanking was effective because I hated to do something wrong because I didn''t want my mom to have to spank me. Knowing that I hurt her hurt far more than the spanking.

And my mom never spanked me like in that Time article picture. Like I said, it was controlled. None of this grabbing and twisting my arm to spank my behind. No smacking upside the head in public places or that kind of business. Never, not once (at least that I remember!)

 

[Mara]

Our boy is still just a wee baby, but I have always thought that if necessary we'd spank/swat. And Greg is on the same page. I guess time will tell, as I do believe in other measures aka time outs etc...but I think that spanking has it's place.

The study talks about kids that were spanked X many times in Y time frame. So these are repeatedly spanked children. I don't see using it for every little grievance, because it DOES lose effect. I was spanked often when I was little and for lots of things, but it definitely didn't make that much of an impression on me according to my Mom, aka it didn't keep me from doing something again.

I do think that a lot of parents take it over the top and spank the kids out of frustration and/or anger and that's not what we intend to do. When parents are losing it and spanking as a last resort, the kid definitely will see that and I think it's less effective. Also, there's what I consider a spank or swat and then there is spanking or rather almost beating the child. With a belt or with unnecessary force etc. That's definitely over the top..and of course kids that are aggressively spanked repeatedly will see the only way to handle something is in kind.

I know some people have issues equating kids with pets BUT when my dog is doing something she shouldn't be, and not listening to me, aka tuning me out because she's barking crazily at a squirrel, and I swat her on the butt she stops and looks at me like 'hey!'. It doesn't hurt her because it's not a hard smack, BUT it gets her attention and then I can continue with the verbal commands 'no barking' which she knows etc etc. I think something similar will work for a kid.

But I guess only time will tell.

Who knows maybe I'll be a softy. Doubtful!

 

[steph72276]

Well, I''m not really sure how I feel about it....my son responds well to time out (or 90% of the time just the threat of time out) that we never had to try another method. And now that he''s older, taking away activities like going to the park afterschool works the best. If he didn''t respond well to that, not sure if we would have gone the spanking route. I''m hoping my 2nd son responds well to time out also, but we''ll have to wait and see.

 

[kama_s]

I am vehemently against spanking. I was hit as a child - in fact, I would go as far and say iwas physically abused. With belts, shoes, hangers etc and would be black and blue for days. Mind you, I was a very good kid - straight A, quiet, obedient, did all the housework. I would be hit because my parents were miserable... Like the time I was choked by my mother because i was having diffiulty telling the time. I was 5. Ive never forgotten . I never raised my hand on my brother, and won''t ever on my future kids.

 

[Laila619]

I was spanked (only when I truly was being a brat) as a child, and I think I turned out okay.

That said, not sure yet whether DH and I will spank our children.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/26/2010 9:10:58 AM
Author: kama_s
I am vehemently against spanking. I was hit as a child - in fact, I would go as far and say iwas physically abused. With belts, shoes, hangers etc and would be black and blue for days. Mind you, I was a very good kid - straight A, quiet, obedient, did all the housework. I would be hit because my parents were miserable... Like the time I was choked by my mother because i was having diffiulty telling the time. I was 5. Ive never forgotten . I never raised my hand on my brother, and won''t ever on my future kids.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I''m so sorry sweetie

 

[janinegirly]

I got spanked a couple of times, but it was more comical than anything (I made sure to "pad up" before hand). I personally do not plan on spanking but am aware that 30 years ago it was considered as common/productive as time outs are looked at today. However I cannot imagine it not being over the clothes and with any kind of object...that just is so wrong to me, although do know people who endured it at school back in the day as well.

A few times I did pat C on the diaper firmly when she was really naughty and she just laughed.

In all seriousness, I hope to never spank-I know it has its place if used properly, but just not for me.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I was spanked as a child. It never got out of the control and I respect my parents'' choice of discipline. We all turned out pretty good

It was always over the clothes and never with an object (belt, wooden spoon, etc). They were also infamous for sending us to our rooms. I am sure I will be doing that one of these days. I have spanked. I think it is great to have intentions on how one is going to parent but when you see your toddler running into the street plans go out the window. I find it an appropriate way to get her attention. My Pedi is actually pro spanking when it is not done in anger (where it could get out of control) and when the child is warned. I used to spank her much more (again, over a diaper so I don''t think it was the physical pain she was reacting to) but when I saw my daughter spanking her Dora doll I knew there had to be a better way for *me*. I do mostly timeouts now but again she is finally old enough for them to be effective. Somehow seeing her put her dolls in timeouts isn''t as traumatic to me.

 

[Jas12]

The only time i''ve been tempted to spank (but stopped myself at the last second) was out of sheer frustration.
Toddlers test, parents are sometimes tired/exasperated/at the end of their ropes and that''s when i think most spanking happens. I don''t necessarily agree with it, but having felt it, i understand.
I can''t say i''ll never do it, but my goal is to try to resist it.

My basic opinion is, if you are calm enough to not spank then you should try to find another way to discipline.

Things get grey when it comes to safety issues. While i can see the argument for grabbing a kid and spanking when he/she goes to do something really dangerous after being told "no", i am not sure the lesson will extend beyond that particular situation. Sure the kid might not repeat that action under the exact same conditions where the spank happened, but if they don''t understand why they were hit, that lesson won''t be transfered to other similar situations. Also, young kids have little concept of what is safe/not safe. I don''t think they should be hit as a way of teaching that. So as Tgal mentioned, it needs to be done with loving attention an explanation afterward.

Finally, i agree with the classic argument of, ''how can you tell your kid not to hit other people, if you then go and hit them?'' My son would call me on this one. He''s done it before with other things saying something along the lines of "mommy did it" so i need to practice what i preach around him. He obviously keeps score

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 4/26/2010 9:10:58 AM
Author: kama_s
I am vehemently against spanking. I was hit as a child - in fact, I would go as far and say iwas physically abused. With belts, shoes, hangers etc and would be black and blue for days. Mind you, I was a very good kid - straight A, quiet, obedient, did all the housework. I would be hit because my parents were miserable... Like the time I was choked by my mother because i was having diffiulty telling the time. I was 5. Ive never forgotten . I never raised my hand on my brother, and won''t ever on my future kids.

My experience was more like this. My mother always hit us out of anger with wooden spoons, and once I remember her breaking one over my brother''s head - instead of realizing what a monster she was, she ran & grabbed another wooden spoon so that she could keep on hitting him.

She used to hit me with a timer going, so no matter how much we cried or begged, she didn''t stop until the timer was done.

She also didn''t stop hitting us until we left the house. I remember that I was 16 when I finally fought back (that''s how terrified of her I was) and I will never forget the look of shock on her face.

Now she denies everything (she''s a SOCIAL WORKER for God''s sake) and says that she would never treat a child like that. I had a therapist who said that she probably had a dissociative disorder, which didn''t allow her to remember her horrendous behavior, but I think that now she''s just embarrassed about what a shit parent she was.

My DH was spanked "correctly" (I put it in quotes because I''m totally against ever hitting children - I think it just teaches them to dominate people with violence if they don''t like their behavior) but he knows what my childhood experience was, so he agreed to have a spanking-free household at my insistence.

I am sad to say that my older brother physically abuses his son, and he thinks it''s fine because it''s the way we were treated as kids.

 

[oobiecoo]

I was spanked by my mother with a wooden paddle and don''t think it scarred me. However, the couple of times I crossed my dad he came after me with a belt on the legs in a NOT so calm way.... that DID scar me. DH was abused as a child but even with our experiences, we do plan to spank our children if needed in a calm manner.


ETA: One of our neighbors went on vacation to Colorado and brought back a cedar paddle that said "attitude adjuster" on it". I''m pretty sure it was meant as a novelty gift but thats what my mom decided to use on me.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/26/2010 9:48:18 AM
Author: Jas12
The only time i''ve been tempted to spank (but stopped myself at the last second) was out of sheer frustration.
Toddlers test, parents are sometimes tired/exasperated/at the end of their ropes and that''s when i think most spanking happens. I don''t necessarily agree with it, but having felt it, i understand.
I can''t say i''ll never do it, but my goal is to try to resist it.

My basic opinion is, if you are calm enough to not spank then you should try to find another way to discipline.

Things get grey when it comes to safety issues. While i can see the argument for grabbing a kid and spanking when he/she goes to do something really dangerous after being told ''no'', i am not sure the lesson will extend beyond that particular situation. Sure the kid might not repeat that action under the exact same conditions where the spank happened, but if they don''t understand why they were hit, that lesson won''t be transfered to other similar situations. Also, young kids have little concept of what is safe/not safe. I don''t think they should be hit as a way of teaching that. So as Tgal mentioned, it needs to be done with loving attention an explanation afterward.

Finally, i agree with the classic argument of, ''how can you tell your kid not to hit other people, if you then go and hit them?'' My son would call me on this one. He''s done it before with other things saying something along the lines of ''mommy did it'' so i need to practice what i preach around him. He obviously keeps score

This possibly depends on the kid and how the spanking is done. It never occured to my brother and I that we could spank other people because my mom spanked us. I''ve never even so much spanked a doll when I was a kid.

And I''ve heard (although never done it) spanking can be used as a tool for kids not to hit other kids. I would imagine this would work if you''re not really a spanker. Basically the kid hits someone and you show them that it doesn''t feel good. My BFF used this technique when it came to biting. Her son bit her. So she bit him (not hard) back and told him that it does not feel good. He never bit again. Meanwhile, their friend who has a toddler the exact same age (very young at the time) tried to reason with him. He continued to bite. And in fact, this kid is pretty violent and their parents have never raised a finger on him. Oh, and the biting thing...my brother is a freak and did that with his dog! The dog bit him so my brother lightly nipped the dog all over. The dog hated it and did bite again. I thought it was strange, but for whatever reason it did work. Not that I''d recommend that, if only because a mouthful of dog hair doesn''t sound appealing to me.

Anyway, we can all regale each other with stories that support our POVs. I can see why the women who posted here would never lay a finger on their kids (and I am sorry to hear your stories). But there IS a difference between beating and spanking. The stories here reek of beating.

Like I said, most people (in my experience and company, nearly everyone who uses it) cannot spank properly. In fact, I only know of maybe one or two people who use it correctly. If you hit your kid in frustration, you have not spanked them . You have lashed out based on feelings. This is why I do agree that people just should stay away from it. And as Jas12 said, if you''re calm enough not to spank, perhaps you can think of another way.

But I''m also old school in that I''m a believer in the concept of "healthy fear". I''m sure I''ll get flamed for that, since fear isn''t a word that people like to use to associate their child''s feelings toward their parents. I think that when kids know that the parent will act (and this doesn''t have to include spanking, but just whatever method of consequences that isn''t desirable to the child), it helps keep them in line. IMHO the difference between well behaved toddlers and not so well behaved ones are the ones who know that mom and dad mean business. My mom didn''t spank me much, but I knew that she COULD spank me. That was enough for me to heed any first warning.

 

[asscherisme]

Date: 4/26/2010 9:10:58 AM
Author: kama_s
I am vehemently against spanking. I was hit as a child - in fact, I would go as far and say iwas physically abused. With belts, shoes, hangers etc and would be black and blue for days. Mind you, I was a very good kid - straight A, quiet, obedient, did all the housework. I would be hit because my parents were miserable... Like the time I was choked by my mother because i was having diffiulty telling the time. I was 5. Ive never forgotten . I never raised my hand on my brother, and won''t ever on my future kids.

Ditto. Similar experience to you being abused growing up. I have 4 kids and have NEVER and would NEVER raise a hand to them. Nor have I ever been tempted. I was scared to death of my parents and never felt safe and I am proud of the safe enviroment I have created for my kids.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/26/2010 12:30:11 AM
Author: TravelingGal
I am pro spanking, but I do agree with this article. That's because I think that a huge majority of people who spank do it incorrectly and out of anger and frustration. For too many people, it's used as a first line of defense, which I don't think works and as the article says, lessens the effectiveness over time. This is why I think that MOST people have no business spanking their kids. It also depends on the child as to how effective it's going to be.

My brother and I were both properly spanked. My mother did not spank out of anger. It was very controlled. Hand to the butt only, and always an explanation for why we were being spanked. I knew every time that my mom loved me. Neither my brother or I are aggressive and I honestly think we both were good kids and both level headed adults. My mom raised us with a lot of love, which helped.

My mom did at Tgal's did. Sat me down and explained to me why she was spanking me and then did so. The only difference is she used a wooden spoon.

My friend's mom did that too. I guess when they were moving, her mom pulled out the washing machine and behind it was a bunch of wooden spoons my friend had hidden!

Personally, I'm not a fan of spanking. My kids aren't spanked. My thought that is that by the time a child is old enough to properly understand why he/she is being spanked, that child is old enough to have privaliges taken away as a form of punishment. Usually I do that. I tried washing my older son's mouth out with soap once - about a month ago - (after I caught him writing a story with a few bad words!) and he didn't think it was gross. lol Guess I used the wrong type of soap since he just spit it out, shrugged, and walked off.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/26/2010 11:54:27 AM
Author: MC

Date: 4/26/2010 12:30:11 AM
Author: TravelingGal
I am pro spanking, but I do agree with this article. That''s because I think that a huge majority of people who spank do it incorrectly and out of anger and frustration. For too many people, it''s used as a first line of defense, which I don''t think works and as the article says, lessens the effectiveness over time. This is why I think that MOST people have no business spanking their kids. It also depends on the child as to how effective it''s going to be.

My brother and I were both properly spanked. My mother did not spank out of anger. It was very controlled. Hand to the butt only, and always an explanation for why we were being spanked. I knew every time that my mom loved me. Neither my brother or I are aggressive and I honestly think we both were good kids and both level headed adults. My mom raised us with a lot of love, which helped.

My mom did at Tgal''s did. Sat me down and explained to me why she was spanking me and then did so. The only difference is she used a wooden spoon.

My friend''s mom did that too. I guess when they were moving, her mom pulled out the washing machine and behind it was a bunch of wooden spoons my friend had hidden!

Personally, I''m not a fan of spanking. My kids aren''t spanked. My thought that is that by the time a child is old enough to properly understand why he/she is being spanked, that child is old enough to have privaliges taken away as a form of punishment. Usually I do that. I tried washing my older son''s mouth out with soap once - about a month ago - (after I caught him writing a story with a few bad words!) and he didn''t think it was gross. lol Guess I used the wrong type of soap since he just spit it out, shrugged, and walked off.

My mom mentioned that if I were to spank Amelia, I should use something like that. I asked her why and she said because people said these days if you spank with your hands, your child will associate your hands with bad things. I looked at her as if she were on drugs. I told her the entire reason spanking worked for me is that I knew she could feel whatever she was inflicting on me (i.e., it would hurt her too, and that affected me). Plus I never thought her hands were just there to whack my behind.

I haven''t had to spank Amelia in a long, long time. As she gets older, I see less reason to, as I''ll use more reality based parenting than anything, I think.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/26/2010 12:03:08 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/26/2010 11:54:27 AM
Author: MC

My mom did at Tgal's did. Sat me down and explained to me why she was spanking me and then did so. The only difference is she used a wooden spoon.

My friend's mom did that too. I guess when they were moving, her mom pulled out the washing machine and behind it was a bunch of wooden spoons my friend had hidden!

Personally, I'm not a fan of spanking. My kids aren't spanked. My thought that is that by the time a child is old enough to properly understand why he/she is being spanked, that child is old enough to have privaliges taken away as a form of punishment. Usually I do that. I tried washing my older son's mouth out with soap once - about a month ago - (after I caught him writing a story with a few bad words!) and he didn't think it was gross. lol Guess I used the wrong type of soap since he just spit it out, shrugged, and walked off.

My mom mentioned that if I were to spank Amelia, I should use something like that. I asked her why and she said because people said these days if you spank with your hands, your child will associate your hands with bad things. I looked at her as if she were on drugs. I told her the entire reason spanking worked for me is that I knew she could feel whatever she was inflicting on me (i.e., it would hurt her too, and that affected me). Plus I never thought her hands were just there to whack my behind.

I haven't had to spank Amelia in a long, long time. As she gets older, I see less reason to, as I'll use more reality based parenting than anything, I think.

I don't think a child would associate a hand with a spanking unless they're hit on a regular basis or if the only time their in contact with their parent is when being hit. If a parent spends 99% of their time doing normal things like cuddling, rubbing the childs back, holding hands with the child, etc., they're not going to remember ONLY that hand spanked.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/26/2010 9:10:58 AM
Author: kama_s
I am vehemently against spanking. I was hit as a child - in fact, I would go as far and say iwas physically abused. With belts, shoes, hangers etc and would be black and blue for days. Mind you, I was a very good kid - straight A, quiet, obedient, did all the housework. I would be hit because my parents were miserable... Like the time I was choked by my mother because i was having diffiulty telling the time. I was 5. Ive never forgotten . I never raised my hand on my brother, and won''t ever on my future kids.

Sorry you went through that Kama.

I was also hit as a child and was also a good child. I got hit for things like talking back or not wanting to eat my dinner. My father was completely against hitting but my mom did it all the time. I was hit with belts and had high heel shoes thrown at me.

When she stopped hitting me, that''s when I started respecting her. She always says that she wishes she had hit my brothers because they are both wild and I turned out "well." I told her that it wasn''t due to her hitting. When she stopped hitting me, she started explaining why what I was doing was wrong, that I would be grounded, and that she was disappointed in me. My mom telling me that she was disappointed pierced right through my soul, much further than a belt could ever reach.

I don''t hold anger towards my mom because I guess I just understand how the way she was raised affected how she raised her own children. Her father is a horrible man that physically abused all 10 children so for a long time my mom thought that was just the right thing to do.

That said, I''m a fan of spanking. I can''t explain why despite getting hit as a child. I think that when it''s done correctly, it works.

I have no idea if I''ll spank DD. I look at her now and can''t imagine I would but I can''t say that with certainty until the moment arises.

 

[Mara]

remember the old days of the 'willow switch'?? that must have hurt. my mom used to say i had a butt of steel because i never seemed to show that the belt hurt me. she would get tired of spanking me and give up because her hand would hurt and i would just be looking at her.

someone mentioned culture, one of my friends is asian and she said in that culture it was very common to, as punishment, be put on your knees on a hard wooden floor and be made to stay there. she said it really hurt but that all the kids parents did it.

and like TG said, typically you can find some type of argument to support your way of thinking. i personally think people should raise their kids as they see fit. but similar to her example of the little boy who bites and is violent...we have some friends with a little boy, cute as can be. mom is entirely against spanking. time outs don't really work for him. and he used to throw things at people when he was smaller and she would just laugh and scold him. aka he would throw the huge tv remote at their little 8lb dog and laugh when it hit him. i know that kids might experiment like that but the mom was not even concerned. well ff a year later and he's hitting kids in the park.

someday in daycare or first grade this kid is going to be schooled by someone larger than him when he tries to do what he wants. not saying spanking would necessarily work for him but i wonder if he knew what it felt like to be swatted at if he would keep doing it. some merit to that thought IMO.

so sorry for all the horrible experiences PS'ers had with corporal punishment growing up.

and fiery i agree re: the 'we're so disappointed' in you thing... it really would affect me a lot more than any spanking as i got a little older.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/26/2010 12:10:12 PM
Author: Mara
someone mentioned culture, one of my friends is asian and she said in that culture it was very common to, as punishment, be put on your knees on a hard wooden floor and be made to stay there. she said it really hurt but that all the kids parents did it.

My grandfather used to do that to my uncles only made them kneel on rice holding 2 water jugs and would hit them whenever their arms would get tired

.

And when you hear them talk about it today, they laugh. My grandfather just says "yup." This was 40+ years ago.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/26/2010 12:10:12 PM
Author: Mara

and like TG said, typically you can find some type of argument to support your way of thinking. i personally think people should raise their kids as they see fit. but similar to her example of the little boy who bites and is violent...we have some friends with a little boy, cute as can be. mom is entirely against spanking. time outs don''t really work for him. and he used to throw things at people when he was smaller and she would just laugh and scold him. aka he would throw the huge tv remote at their little 8lb dog and laugh when it hit him. i know that kids might experiment like that but the mom was not even concerned. well ff a year later and he''s hitting kids in the park.

someday in daycare or first grade this kid is going to be schooled by someone larger than him when he tries to do what he wants. not saying spanking would necessarily work for him but i wonder if he knew what it felt like to be swatted at if he would keep doing it. some merit to that thought IMO.

Or maybe she could have squirted him with a water bottle whenever he bit or threw things. hehehe

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/26/2010 12:16:33 PM
Author: MC

Date: 4/26/2010 12:10:12 PM
Author: Mara

and like TG said, typically you can find some type of argument to support your way of thinking. i personally think people should raise their kids as they see fit. but similar to her example of the little boy who bites and is violent...we have some friends with a little boy, cute as can be. mom is entirely against spanking. time outs don''t really work for him. and he used to throw things at people when he was smaller and she would just laugh and scold him. aka he would throw the huge tv remote at their little 8lb dog and laugh when it hit him. i know that kids might experiment like that but the mom was not even concerned. well ff a year later and he''s hitting kids in the park.

someday in daycare or first grade this kid is going to be schooled by someone larger than him when he tries to do what he wants. not saying spanking would necessarily work for him but i wonder if he knew what it felt like to be swatted at if he would keep doing it. some merit to that thought IMO.

Or maybe she could have squirted him with a water bottle whenever he bit or threw things. hehehe

Mara, my friend does this (even though she more scolds than laughs). It''s entirely ineffective. Could be that time outs would have worked for the kid if the mother is consistent. But if she''s the type to just laugh and scold, my guess is that she would not have been consistent enough to make time outs work.

Like I said, I don''t think parents need to spank at all to be effective disciplinarians. I just don''t think that proper spanking is bad, is all.

 

[roppongi]

I have two boys...13 and 7 and neither of them have ever been spanked. My husband and I are huge disciplinarians, we don''t let them get away with anything, and the school that they attend is also very strict.

Complete strangers who have crossed paths with my children have come up to us and complement us on how polite, respectful and well mannered they are. We couldn''t be prouder of the young men that we are raising. They don''t talk back (although the 13 year old is starting to test his lim)its and they actually listen to us when we talk to them.

I don''t believe in spanking, I never have. I think it is more important to communicate what they did wrong and how disappointed you are in their behavior/actions than raising your hand to them. I think that is a short cut and an easy way out.

We adore our boys. We want them to respect us and in order for that to occur, we need to set an example by treating them the way we want to be treated.

xoxox

 

[April20]

We don''t have children and aren''t planning to, but if we do end up with them, I really think it depends on the child. I can''t say what I would or would not do unless I have one myself.

I remember being spanked a couple of times as a child. I was being a complete brat both times, though i don''t remember the specifics of what I did. My husband was spanked a bit as a child. Mainly because he pushed, pushed, pushed the limits. And then when he was older and he''d get into whatever it was he got into, they''d give him a choice: 1 week without dessert, 1 week without TV or being spanked. He''d tell them to spank him every time because he sure as heck wasn''t giving up TV or dessert for a week (mainly the dessert probably). His brother was the COMPLETE opposite. All they had to do was LOOK at him and he''d get upset, cry, etc. They never had to spank him because literally one look was enough.

 

[elrohwen]

I grew up with two child psychologist parents who believe that spanking is not ok and I have to say I agree with them.

I believe that all discipline, of children and pets, needs to be done in a calm manner. I do not think it's possible for the vast majority of people to hit their kid (that's what spanking is) in a calm manner. I don't think it's possible to teach your kid anything positive by hitting when you are frustrated, even if you think you are calm at the time. I don't want my future children to ever think it's ok to hit others.

With that said, I won't judge a parent who feels that spanking is needed a particular situation. I'm willing to allow that there can be one or two circumstances where spanking may be the best discipline, but as a regular method of disciplining children I don't think it's any different than smacking and hitting and is not ok or effective long term.