So this is what dying feels like

[Izzy03]

OMG OMG OMG. I've been told many times not to act (or write) out of anger but I think its over. For real.

I'll start from the beginning:
Last week I received a facebook friend request from one of DH's ex girlfriends, lets call her "B" (short for a 5 letter word I would really like to call her). He did not end on good terms with B, has never had anything nice to say about her (he is usually kind when he speaks of other exes), and I have never met her. I found it strange that she was contacting me, so I confronted DH and asked him if he had also been in contact with her. I am pretty rational about the whole "ex-bf/gf" thing, and as long as he is honest with me about the occasional run in with an ex, I don't think twice about it.

Well, DH told me that B had contacted him earlier in the week and talked about a business fundraiser with him but he hadn't thought twice about it. I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of him having this type of contact with her, and reiterated that he needs to let me know when he has talked to an ex, whether it be in person, missed phone call, or email. Doesn't matter, I expect him to tell me. He agreed that he was wrong, and reassured me that nothing had been going on.

Fast forward to tonight. I received a strange text message from a number I do not know. Very strange. The person sending the text message said that I gave my phone number to them at a bar last week when I was very drunk, and they enjoyed the kiss we had shared. They used my first name in the text so I know it was not a "wrong number". Well, I did go to a bar with several classmate's last week to celebrate our coating ceremony, but I did NOT get drunk, and certainly did NOT kiss ANYONE! I found this very creepy so I responded by asking who was sending the text, and of course they would not tell me.

I decided to check DH's phone because I suspected that maybe it was one of his friends playing a prank on me (we have a little prank war going on right now). As I looked on DH's phone, I saw a text message that he had sent to someone that reads "OK then, good talk". WTF? So I check his call log. There were about 8 phone calls that had gone back and forth between him and this number in the past 4 hours. Being the ballsy girl that I am, I decide to call this number. No one answers, but B's voicemail picks up. I immediately hung up, woke DH up, and told him to pack his crap and get out of my parent's house (we came to visit my parents for the weekend). He wouldn't offer me any explanation for the calls. Finally, he told me that he doesn't know if anything happened between them. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! Idiot DH claims that he took a bunch of Xanax last week, and B is telling him that they "saw" eachother. He said he has no idea what happened and doesn't remember seeing her. Then he got in the car and left.

I was so sure he had stayed clean. I have not seen the slightest sign of him getting messed up. He is very much the type say untrue things out of anger, but this whole situation is way too weird. Whatever trust we had started to rebuild is gone. Done. What if they had sex? We had unprotected sex last night. That really grosses me out. Seriously, kills me.

I just sent B a short message via facebook. I figured, she had the audacity to send me a friend request, why shouldn't I send her a message. I told her that I had seen some calls on DH's phone to and from her and I was uncomfortable with it. I asked her if there was anything going on between her and my husband and that I would appreciate her honesty.

I am so upset. I was totally prepared for my marriage to end due to 100 other reasons, but I was not prepared for this. I am so sick to my stomach. I don't even have a car to get back home to get my things so my parents will have to take me. I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to hear that everything will be okay. So this is what dying feels like.......

 

[junebug17]

Izzy, I think you're in shock right now...you've just gotten some upsetting news and been through a very ugly scene. Give yourself some time to calm down, and then you can talk to your husband again and hopefully have a more coherent conversation with him. This isn't sounding good though, at all. He has certainly damaged any progress that's been made by using drugs again, and being in contact with his ex. He sounds like he has many issues, and you are going to have to decide how much you are willing to take, and for how long.

Hugs to you, I can only imagine how upsetting all of this is.

And, even though it feels like it, you are NOT dying. You can get beyond this. You'll make it through - reach out to family and friends for support. You're stronger than you think.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Everything WILL be ok. You know how I know? One of my closest friends was in a bad marriage and yet could not find enough reasons to leave despite how unhappy and difficult her marriage was (sound familiar?). One day, she found out she had a sexually transmitted disease. And she was faithful. Confronted the Ex, he admitted things, and that was finally the last straw and the end of it. She felt like she had been destroyed too. But fast forward three years and she is so happy and healthy, and engaged to a wonderful man (at last!).

So you will survive. Maybe this is finally the kick in the pants you need to get out of a reltionship you have known (I think) for a while was not working for you.

Hang in there, lean on your parents, and for god's sake, move on at last.

 

[swingirl]

I was so sure he had stayed clean. I have not seen the slightest sign of him getting messed up. He is very much the type say untrue things out of anger, but this whole situation is way too weird. Whatever trust we had started to rebuild is gone. Done. What if they had sex? We had unprotected sex last night. That really grosses me out. Seriously, kills me.

I am so upset. I was totally prepared for my marriage to end due to 100 other reasons, but I was not prepared for this. I am so sick to my stomach. I don't even have a car to get back home to get my things so my parents will have to take me. I don't know what to do. I guess I just need to hear that everything will be okay. So this is what dying feels like.......

You want a baby with this man? Because that's what happens with unprotected sex. Please rethink that choice you are making.

I think you DO know what to do. I hope you have the strength to do it. So sorry for your situation.

 

[Izzy03]

I just got off the phone with a classmate and he offered to have me move in with him and our other classmate while I finish my preceptorship. They are good friends, and great people, pretty much exactly what I need to keep me focused on studying for boards. I don't have to return "home" for another week but I don't have enough clothing to last me that long so I may need to go home tomorrow to start packing and grab supplies.

Also, my husband backed his SUV into my new car a few days ago so my car will be in the shop for several days. What am I going to do without a car? The damage will be at least $800, and I can't swallow the cost right now so I will have to deal with the a-hole because he will be paying to have the my car fixed. I have a feeling he will use the dropping off and picking up of my car as an opportunity to manipulate me with his "I'm sorry "sad face.

Junebug~ Yes, I think in shock is the best way to put it. And no, things do not look good. Even if nothing happened between him and his ex, he was not forthcoming about the phone calls, and he used drugs again. His excuse for taking the Xanax was that he and I had a fight. Seriously? He needs to starting taking responsibility for his own issues. As for our next conversation, I need to go to the house and get some stuff to tie me over. I hope he will be honest and tell me what happened really happened with his ex. Not because it matters at this point, it doesn't, but because I will need all the fuel I can get to keep myself from second guessing my decision to leave.

Dreamer~ Thank you, hearing stories like your friend's makes me realize that there will be a day when this will stop hurting so much, and I'll look back on this and think how stupid I was for staying this long. I know you have been a proponent of me leaving my husband, and came from a good place. You are right, this is the kick I needed. I never thought it would happen like this. I have not been happy for awhile, but I thought the final straw in our marriage would come down to his rage issues. I NEVER saw this coming. I was so sure he was clean. I remember when we first married and I thought I had hit the husband jackpot. I could have never imagined that this is what our life would turn into.

Swingirl~ No, there have been no plans for baby. For the past two years we practiced the fertility awareness method FAM. I discontinued hormonal birth control because of the side effects. A lot of people have strong opinions about FAM, but I have done my research and I am comfortable with the statistics. I too hope I have the strength to stick with my decision.

 

[iheartscience]

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad it seems to be spurring you to leave him.

As for what to do without a car-borrow a car from a friend? Or your parents?

 

[missy]

Hi Izzy,
I am so very sorry about what you are going though. I just want to add my support and tell you everything will be OK though it might take some time.
Hang in there and lean on friends and family.
Big hugs,
Missy

 

[Izzy03]

I hate him and know its time to move on, but all I can think about are the good things that I will losing. This is awful.

 

[Jessie702]

Izzy i am so sorry, (((((Hugs)))))))))), and we are here if you need to talk. Sometimes, the straw that breaks the camels back, isnt a straw at all, but a ton of bricks, like what you are going through. I dont blame you for telling him to hit the road, and dont worry, sometimes thigns work out better, than if we can plan them ourselves. Also, i would have told B off, and in some many different ways, her head would still be spinning.

 

[decodelighted]

It is going to FEEL awful. But it is not going to BE awful. In fact, it's going to BE a big IMPROVEMENT. Trust.

 

[Izzy03]

Izzy i am so sorry, (((((Hugs)))))))))), and we are here if you need to talk. Sometimes, the straw that breaks the camels back, isnt a straw at all, but a ton of bricks, like what you are going through. I dont blame you for telling him to hit the road, and dont worry, sometimes thigns work out better, than if we can plan them ourselves. Also, i would have told B off, and in some many different ways, her head would still be spinning.

Perfectly said.

As for B, I want to know what happened, and I would like to compare their stories. It'll keep my fire lit and help me to stay strong in my decision. And yes, I absolutely hope to rip her B new a$$hole someday soon.

Ultimately DH is at fault, but she KNEW he was married, AND sent me a friend request on facebook.....Seriously? I can't understand what kind of person does all of the that! Its as if she feels no guilt for what she did, like she is proud of it, trying to dangle this in my face. Hasn't she caused enough pain as is? This sums up all of the everything that DH had told me about the type of person she is. May she rot in hell.

 

[movie zombie]

Izzy, the universe has sent you ANOTHER message and you're still not listening! when will you get angry enough to not care what explanation he has?! when will you learn to not be in his presence alone because you fall for his sad face?! how much abuse do you think you deserve?! when will you decide enough is enough?! my god, woman, what kind of good things that you remember make all this worth staying for and enduring even more degradation?! he gets into a fight with you so its your fault he used.....yeah, right. hes a user and will drag you down with him if you let him. and he's gotten good at hiding it from you.......

sometimes you need a boot in the ash.....consider me that boot!

girl, you know what needs to be done. pick yourself up off the mat and quit trying to make him realize how much he'd be losing if you leave him!!!!!!! he doesn't get it and he never will!!!!!

you have a life. you have a professional life awaiting you. you have supportive classmates. you have so much more going for you than many. take a friend and go get your stuff. send him the bill for the car. if he pays, fine. if he doesn't pay, fine. $800 is a small price to pay to have him gone! the longer you stay with him, the more expensive emotionally and financially its going to be....the universe is hitting you over the head with a mallot and you're in denial.

sorry. but please get on with your life!!!!!!

MoZo

eta: stay away from the ex!!!!!! stay away from him!!!!! they are toxic and deserve each other. you have no need to compare their stories. he speaks for himself well enough. he is at fault. you are at fault for tolerating him. you're displacing your anger and upset on her. yes, she's a witch...and she knew he was married. you knew he's a liar and a user. take responsibility for yourself. you have enough work to do in sorting yourself out and why you're in this mess w/o playing his mother and her punisher. you have a right to be angry but be careful that you don't end up making the situation worse...for yourself.

 

[janinegirly]

I agree with the others so won't add much more. But I do think you should say this is what it feels like to be LIBERATED, not dying. Geesh after reading your last few posts, I would be feeling thankful that he is making it easier for you to drop him. Let the B have him, they can both torture each other with their pathetic lies and high school antics!
Take the higher road for yourself and for your future and wash your hands of him.

 

[Jessie702]

Izzy i am so sorry, (((((Hugs)))))))))), and we are here if you need to talk. Sometimes, the straw that breaks the camels back, isnt a straw at all, but a ton of bricks, like what you are going through. I dont blame you for telling him to hit the road, and dont worry, sometimes thigns work out better, than if we can plan them ourselves. Also, i would have told B off, and in some many different ways, her head would still be spinning.

Perfectly said.

As for B, I want to know what happened, and I would like to compare their stories. It'll keep my fire lit and help me to stay strong in my decision. And yes, I absolutely hope to rip her B new a$$hole someday soon.

Ultimately DH is at fault, but she KNEW he was married, AND sent me a friend request on facebook.....Seriously? I can't understand what kind of person does all of the that! Its as if she feels no guilt for what she did, like she is proud of it, trying to dangle this in my face. Hasn't she caused enough pain as is? This sums up all of the everything that DH had told me about the type of person she is. May she rot in hell.

Honestly it sounds like she is trying to dangle this in your face, and let her, because at the end of the day, she is getting the butt end of the deal, and you will come out ahead. Also, remeber what goes around, comes around, its the basic law of the universe, and it usually comes back time 3.....Stay strong, you sound like a strong woman, you can get through, and be much better off.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Ultimately DH is at fault, but she KNEW he was married, AND sent me a friend request on facebook.....Seriously? I can't understand what kind of person does all of the that! Its as if she feels no guilt for what she did, like she is proud of it, trying to dangle this in my face. Hasn't she caused enough pain as is? This sums up all of the everything that DH had told me about the type of person she is. May she rot in hell.

She may have sent a request to all his friends without looking closely who she was clicking on. I'm for sure not defending her and there are SO many reasons for you to move on, but just thought that I'd add that bit in.

Also, to add to what Swingirl said about birth control. I don't think right now is a good time to take any risks! With stress, your cycle may not be as predictable as you've had it in the past!

 

[Izzy03]

Mozo~ You are right and I am very angry at myself for putting up with as much as I have. I have been holding on to what we once had, and I need to accept that it is gone. As for wanting an explanation, I know it shouldn't matter and it won't make a difference. But I also know it will make me crazy angry and I think I need that right now. Throwing some gas on the flames can only keep me strong in my decision to leave. You mentioned self help books in the other thread; I haven't had enough time to keep up with my textbook for school let alone self help reading! I have a list of the suggested books and will start reading now that the semester is over. I have gone through so many emotions in the past 12 hours, I am making my own head spin.

Janine~ I do feel liberated, absolutely. I have a pretty awesome plan B, but it doesn't make any of this hurt less. And you are right, he couldn't have made my decision any easier, however, the decision is still not easy. I am determined to move on with my life free of this toxic marriage.

Jessie~ She is a crazy b*t*h, I would expect nothing else based on what others have told me about her. I know she will have a miserable existence, no doubt about that. Thanks for helping me bash her! I hope if felt as good for you as it felt for me As for him, he has established his pattern, good luck to his future ladies, they will need it.


I do not mean to sound like I may cave in to his apologies, but I know having "weak" days is normal and I'm trying to prepare myself for them so I don't fold. Thanks for the support.

 

[movie zombie]

hey, i'm here anytime you need a boot in the ash!

MoZo

ps my ephiphany came when i got tired of hearing myself say the same things over and over re my dissatisfaction in my first marriage. i figured it out that if i was tired of hearing myself moan and groan over and over re the same things, others were as well. and there does come a point where people do start to turn an ear: oh, there goes MoZo complaining about her marraige again. nothing new here. time to move on. [all happened years before Pricescope existed but you get the drift.] it might do you good to go back and read all your posts. you're beginning to repeat yourself.......

 

[Izzy03]

Thanks Mozo~ I love hearing about other peoples experiences with their failed marriages. It helps to be able to see the situation from the outside and compare similarities. I will absolutely go back and read my past posts as well as well as all the advice I was given by the wise women on PS. However, I should try to steer clear of the stuff I posted when our relationship was in a good. That's where I get weak.

I'm heading to dinner with my family now. Not sure how I am going eat, but on the other hand I don't see my dad complaining about the overpriced drinks tonight! May God give me the strength to make it through dinner without crying.......

 

[movie zombie]

good grief, you have to read the supposed "good" to realize that you are still in denial!

hey, cry if you want and/or need to. its your parents problem if they can't handle it.....try to enjoy dinner....and have a glass or two to your future!!!!

one day you'll look back and shake your head and wonder why you stayed so long. i certainly did.

MoZo

 

[Dreamer_D]

There is no explanation he can give that will help. He does not have an explanation, he had told you what he can, which is not much, because he is likely not self aware enough to know why he is doing things. And save your anger for your husband, not for this B woman. She has no resposibility to you. HE did, he is 100% responsible for this outcome. Not here. A real woman -- which you are -- does not spent one second thinking about a person like B. It is wasted thought and distraction from what really matters -- you husband and his behavior.

I agree with MoZo. No contact. Of course there are good times. And those will suck you back in if you let them. You have put up with a lot, more than you should have, and he has proven he can sweet talk his way out of a lot with you. So don't give him the chance.

My friend I told you about said this book was really helpful for her in processing her separation: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-St...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1304802833&sr=1-1 I think that ambivalence about sums up your situation, wouldn't you say?

Do yourself a favour and put yourself first and have no contact for a good while. Like when you are on a diet you cannot have cookies in the house. Same thing with douch ex husbands.

 

[Dreamer_D]

one day you'll look back and shake your head and wonder why you stayed so long. i certainly did.

MoZo

I did too. I have an ex in my past who was a moron. Controlling, immature, emotionally abusive. I am a smart, strong, intelligent woman, but stayed with him for two years because I was lonely and he preyed on my insecurities at that time in my life. After I left, boy was I glad. And I can't believe I stayed as long as I did.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I had read your other thread and did not comment since you had gotten such good advice. I am always on the side of trying to make a marriage work, but in this case, I agree that you've reached the last straw. He doesn't "remember" if anything happened? That's a good one (NOT).

Do not see him, period. Take someone with you to the house while he is at work and clean out ALL your things!

(Interesting that a few days ago he also ran into your car, isn't it?)

 

[Izzy03]

Diamondseeker~ Thank you, it feels good to hear someone with the "work it out" mindset saying "it's time to get out". I think he knows what happened between them, and if it were PG-13 I am fairly certain he wouldn't have been so resistant to talk to me. It makes me nauseous to think of them together, so I'm trying NOT to think about it or to care about it for that matter. It is ironic that he hit my car last week, but he was not high the day it happened. I was home at the time and talked with him immediately afterwards. My car was parked awkwardly in the driveway because I was getting ready to wash it. He wasn't paying attention and nailed it. Simple accident. I'm pretty sure I know which day he DID get high and all of this happened. We had gotten in a fight the night before, then he claims to have spent 5 hours at the gym (most people consider sex a form of exercise , right?), and when I got home that evening he was passed out on the couch. I was suspicious but chalked it up to him being tired. Either way, it doesn't matter anymore, right?

He did not tried to contact me today, this is his usual pattern when we are arguing, and I have to say, I am glad. Right now his apologies would do nothing but piss me off and I don't want to lose my cool in front of him.

My parents and I have decided to move my stuff out this Friday, but I have a lot to pack so I need to head home Thursday to start getting things boxed up. Luckily, the only furniture to move is my bed, which we keep in one the guest rooms. He works from home, so my plan is to ask him to stay with his parents Thursday and Friday so I don't have to see him.

I am still going to try and get him to fix my car, but I'm not going to fight over it. If he resists (and I don't think he will), then I'll hand it over to insurance and move on. My plan is to send him a message on Monday asking him to make arrangements for my car. Hopefully he can drop it off for me so I won't have to see him.

My mom is driving me nuts. She keeps insisting that I call him to tell him what my plans are, tell him where I am going, how we should divide our things, blah blah blah. She also asked me twice if I have heard from him or talked with his parents today. Better yet, she even had the nerve to tell me I should have woken her and my dad up last night when everything was going down so they could have talked to him I keep trying to tell her that I don't owe him any explanation about my plans. I am moving out and that should speak for itself, besides when has he been considerate enough to talk to me about his plans? This is why I don't tell her about my problems. She gives the worst advice and does not realize when her advice is unsolicited. I feel so bad because her intentions are good, but she doesn't quit and I ended snapping at her. At this rate, I'll never make it here until Thursday.

 

[Izzy03]

Ugh, I just looked on facebook and saw that my girlfriend got engaged yesterday. I'm happy for her but it hurt a little, not gonna lie......

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Bless your heart. I am just so sorry. {{{{hugs}}}}

(Good plan...I think you are handling this exactly the right way.)

 

[TravelingGal]

No, that isn't what dying feels like. Please, don't liken what you are going through with dying...give dying some dignity. You are feeling what DRAMA feels like, not dying.

Dying is inevitable. Drama is not. Fortunately, we can choose to get out of drama. 1st step is to not be so dramatic and take a breath.

I hope you find the strength to move on. You know what they say insanity is (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). You really don't want to be classified as an idiot, do you?

 

[Izzy03]

Tgal~ Yes you are right, that is an unnecessarily dramatic title. In my defense, I wrote that immediately after the big blow up when I was completely distraught. Completely driven by emotions. Acting out of pure emotion is seldom a smart way to handle things.

I did all that I could, I have to keep telling myself this. If the marriage was all misery leaving would have been easy, but there were plenty of good times even towards the end and that is what I have been holding on to. I have been surprisingly calm since this morning. Reading the stories of others who have been through gut wrenching breakups has helped tremendously. I'm sure darker days are coming, but brighter days are coming too.

Yes I put up with a lot of crap and probably should have left a long time ago but that doesn't make this any less painful. You can't just turn those feelings off. Am I still in love? Yes. Do I know it is time to move on with my life? Absolutely. I am heartbroken, relieved, excited and scared sh*tless!

Thank you to the supportive words you all continue to provide throughout my soap opera. I'm going to pop in Sex and the City (the movie) and try to fall asleep......praying that tomorrow is a little better.......

 

[movie zombie]

ok, mom isn't helping. tell her you know she loves you and wants what is best for you. tell her that you appreciate her advice but its not helping. tell her you don't want the bad situation with your husband to become a bad situation with her as well. then tell her you love her but you would appreciate her not asking questions....that you will keep her in the loop with what she needs to know. then if she asks questions, don't answer them! tell her again you love her and appreciate her support but that things are moving along well enough under the circumstances, then change the topic.

MoZo

ps go hangout with friends? go to the library? get a head start on contacting an attorney? all activities that could keep you out of the house and away from prying questions.

 

[Izzy03]

Definitely feeling 10 times worse today........ Mothers came at a bad time for me. My husband and I once dreamed of having children together and he used to get me a mother's day card and gift from our fur babies. This mother's day I am minus two fur babies. Sorry to be dramatic about it. I am one of those people who would seriously take a bullet for my fur babies.

Mom has already starting asking her pointless questions for the day. I think my "favorite" was when she asked me if my mother in law was upset that we were going to be out of town for mother's day. Really, mom? Does it even matter at this point? I'll have to talk with her later, thanks for the suggestion Mozo.

As far as me getting out to feel better, I am still at my parents house with no access to my "feel better" tools. No car, no gym, no roller blades, no school books, no friends. Its just me and my laptop (and one fur baby!). I could go for a run but I am so sick to my stomach, I'm sure I would vomit. I may try to drag myself to a movie later, and plan to go to the library tomorrow. I've got plenty of time to catch up on self-help books!

ETA: BTW, Happy Mother's Day to all the beautiful mommies out there!!!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Thinking of you today, Izzy.