shape
carat
color
clarity

So this is what dying feels like

Dreamer_D

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Izzy though you may not believe it, I am also a work it out theorist when it comes to marriage 8) But for my that applies after many years of successful marriage and history and a patch of bad. It does not apply in situations where people probably should not have married in the first place. If you have serious issues prior to marriage or within the first 2-3 years, I think it is more a signal to call it a day and not a signal to "work out" what likely represents fundamental incompatibility.

I second MoZo's advice about the conversations with mom.

I would also like you to think hard about what being "in love" might mean to you. To say you are in love with a man who treated you the way he has, and with a man who was not good for you for so many years suggests that love might not be defined in the most healthful way for you. I know a lot of women who equate the anxiety and uncertainy and excitement that accompanies a dramatic relationship with love. Additionally, missing the good times and mourning the loss of what you hoped would be in your marriage is not actually heartbreak or lost love for *this man*. The fantasy future you two talked about likely would never have been. So mourn the loss of that dream, but don't let that yearning spill over into your feelings for this man. You can have that dream with another man, and have love without the drama, if you do the personal work required to recognize a good match when you find it.
 

somethingshiny

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I'm sorry this is all happening to you. I have no words of wisdom. I think I'd have beat him to the ground with my fists before I sent him packing. The only little tidbit I have for you is this: Don't hang onto anger or hate. It only hurts you. I pray that you get through this and can be happy again.
 

Izzy03

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 10, 2007
Messages
613
Diamondseeker~ Thank you, that means a lot

Dreamer and Mozo~ I'm headed to the library soon to start reading some books that may help me reflect on my situation. I'm definitely morning the loss of the marriage that I planned on having. I'm in a lot of pain but trying to focus on everything I have going for me. I am smart, have a great sense of humor, a huge heart, and I'm not bad on the eyes either. I WILL be okay, it just feels like heck right now.

Somethingshiny~ I think I may need a little anger to keep me away from him right now, but you are absolutely right, I can't continue to hold on to the anger. Like Mozo and Dreamer have said, I need to get to a point where I just don't care anymore.

He texted me today about how he is so sorry, he isn't cheating, B wouldn't stop texting him and he was trying to get her to leave him alone, he has been so sick since this happened and won't go to our home without me. Blah blah blah. I still HAVE to go to our house because I only have 2 days worth of clothing with me. I know its inevitable that I will see him because packing my stuff will take a LONG TIME!! My plan is to tell him to get his butt to a 12 step program, start seeing a therapist that specializes in anger or addiction, and not to call me again. I will still be moving out at the end of the week. Time away from him is exactly what I need.
 

movie zombie

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Dreamer_D|1304888417|2915570 said:
The fantasy future you two talked about likely would never have been. So mourn the loss of that dream, but don't let that yearning spill over into your feelings for this man. You can have that dream with another man, and have love without the drama, if you do the personal work required to recognize a good match when you find it.

well stated.

MoZo
 

Italiahaircolor

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Messages
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First of all, I just want to say that I'm really sorry to read about this.

I really do believe that it's time for you to move on with your life. Really. There are just too many mountains to climb, and while I'm all for putting in the work to make a marriage work and all of that, I'm also a realist. This guy is a drug addict, a cheater and a liar. Those are not the makings of a solid life partner, I'm here to tell you.

I know it sucks, I know it hurts, I know you're angry. But it's time to step outside of all of that and be honest about where this marriage is going, and has been going, for a while now. Save yourself and stop allowing this to happen. Then get mad as hell and make the changes. You're going to be alright, everyone in this sort of situation is always better off once they get themselves free.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Izzy, I am sorry you are going through this. You are hurt. You are shocked. You are resentful. You are angry. You are sad. You are grieving. This isn't what dying feels like. This is what it feels like when you don't focus on yourself and you obsess on other people's bad behavior. You are letting him pull you down. What he did was wrong (I am not justifying his behavior), but you have choices. You are not stuck in this marriage. Why are you staying? Like we discussed in one of your other threads SOMETHING is keeping you with him. Is it love or fear? Those are two different kinds of relationships. Here is my fear for you, you need to figure out what maladaptive coping mechanisms you have developed by loving with this man. If you are not self-aware you WILL repeat your patterns. You will let this pain become poison that will spread to ALL of your relationships.

I have mentioned Al-Anon several times. You seem resistant so here are two books I think you will find VERY helpful. Maybe you will be more comfortable than going to a meeting.
http://www.amazon.com/One-Day-at-Time-Al-Anon/dp/0910034214/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305050694&sr=1-2
This is one of their three daily readers. This one is really geared towards spouses of alcoholics. Each page has a date that you read but there is also an index with topics that will direct you to specific readings. So if you are feeling angry, you look up anger in the back.
http://www.amazon.com/Al-Anon-Works-Families-Friends-Alcoholics/dp/0910034265/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1305050694&sr=1-4
This book is amazing. It's very similar to AA's Big Book. There is basic information on the Al-Anon program and there are member's stories which are very helpful.

I risk being flamed for this but I doubt your husband is a bad person. He is sick. He has a disease that makes him act in a way that he probably wouldn't sober. If you cannot learn (through therapy and a self-help group) to separate the man from the disease, you are wasting your time. You have to be able to let him fall. You have to decide what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. It's not about praying to fix him. It's about praying to bless him and fix you. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
 

amc80

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Tacori E-ring|1305051829|2917551 said:
I risk being flamed for this but I doubt your husband is a bad person. He is sick. He has a disease that makes him act in a way that he probably wouldn't sober.

Not flaming you, just disagreeing. The problem with this viewpoint is it takes the responsibility off of him and shifts it to the "disease." He chooses to use.

To the OP- I wish you luck. Stay strong in your convictions. Remember that if you were to go back with him you would more than likely be in this same situation in another year/month/week whatever. Get out and move on with your life. Find someone capable of a loving, trusting, healthy relationship.
 

CrazyMaybe

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Good luck Izzy. It is a hard move to make. I still get upset over it all. But the sad part is that I am generally happier than I was before I left. I just get lonely because I am not used to being alone. I think after you leave him you will see a major improvement in the overall quality of your life.

CM
 

Italiahaircolor

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I'm not going to flame you either, just simply disagree.

Yes, as an addict, he has a disease. No one can minimize that. However, he had made the decision to continue using even after being offered help and there is no minimizing that either. This isn't their first time to the rodeo. Izzy can drag him to counseling, read every book ever written, and attend support groups independently all day long, but if he's not even remotely interested in 1. being sober and 2. being honest, it's all just a giant waste of time.

Thats why, at this point, I would encourage her to deal in reality. The realities of what she's working for and what she's up against. There will always be someone to say "but he's an addict"...and Izzy needs to understand, addict or not, he had responsibilities to her and their relationship that he didn't meet.

Not every addict cheats, not every cheater is an addict. In my mind, these issues or problems are separate. I consider him using his addiction as a scapegoat or an excuse, and that simply does not fly with me whatsoever. So, while I can understand fighting for the marriage under certain contexts, there are still deal breakers. Cheating, IMO, is one of those. I admire Izzy for sticking out the marriage despite it's short comings, but when is enough enough? He's gotten away with this much, it stands to reason, should be be forgiven, it will only be a matter of time before he tries to see what else he can manage.

I guess what I'm saying is that Izzy needs to give up trying to "fix" the unfixable. If he wanted to change, it's not like he doesn't have the tools or opportunity to do so. He's made his decision, now it's time for Izzy to make some of her own.
 

Pandora II

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amc80|1305060376|2917693 said:
Tacori E-ring|1305051829|2917551 said:
I risk being flamed for this but I doubt your husband is a bad person. He is sick. He has a disease that makes him act in a way that he probably wouldn't sober.

Not flaming you, just disagreeing. The problem with this viewpoint is it takes the responsibility off of him and shifts it to the "disease." He chooses to use.

To the OP- I wish you luck. Stay strong in your convictions. Remember that if you were to go back with him you would more than likely be in this same situation in another year/month/week whatever. Get out and move on with your life. Find someone capable of a loving, trusting, healthy relationship.

Agree 100%.

Except in cases of psychosis and other serious mental illnesses I think it's wrong to move responsibility away from a person due to an 'illness' or 'disease'.

With addiction, the addict chooses to use in the beginning, chooses to carry on using and chooses not to stop to say nothing of their behaviour whilst using.

I take a lot of opiates for my back-pain and fully agree that I am opiate-dependent, but that doesn't make me an addict and nor is my general behaviour adversely affected by the medications. I don't believe that her DH is driven to anger by the meds that he takes - I think he uses the meds as an excuse for his behaviour and a way of absconding responsibility. I've met a LOT of people on large and long-term doses of pain-killers in my own family and friends and on in-patient programmes for people with chronic pain. None of them had these kinds of behaviours.

He obviously likes taking things to avoid reality which is why he is misusing his medications and I would bet money that he chooses to do this rather than having a physical need to take the meds in an inappropriate way.

I don't think it's a good thing for partners of addicts to feel that they should tolerate behaviours because of an 'illness' - it's not diabetes or epilepsy, it's an addiction and becoming addicted to things like painkillers takes time and effort, it's not an overnight thing.
 

Dreamer_D

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Tacori E-ring|1305051829|2917551 said:
I risk being flamed for this but I doubt your husband is a bad person. He is sick. He has a disease that makes him act in a way that he probably wouldn't sober. If you cannot learn (through therapy and a self-help group) to separate the man from the disease, you are wasting your time. You have to be able to let him fall. You have to decide what is acceptable and what is unacceptable. It's not about praying to fix him. It's about praying to bless him and fix you. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I agree with this actually. He is not a bad person. But that is separate from the fact that he is not someone to be in a relationship with. Most people are not intentionally mean and cruel to those they love. Most people act badly because they are damaged in some way. But that in no way excuses the behavior. I think you can accept that someone you love is damaged and have compassion for them, to forgive them for treating you badly, but at the same time refuse to ever allow them to treat you that way again, and often this means ending a relationship with that person.

Ultimately, we are only responsible for ourselves and our own actions within a relationship. And Izzy, you are not looking out for yourself if you stay in this relationship and focus on his disease more, and get sucked into the drama and poor treatment of you that is caused by his disease or whatever other damage he has (we all have something). Distinguising what is and what is not your responsibility to change and control within your relationship is a big thing to learn! I think you cannot directly control your spouse, ever. And that is especially true with an addict. All you can do is set boundaries and expect a certain level of treatment from people with whom you are in a relationship. Some people will choose to meet your expectations and respect your boundaries. Those are the people you stay with and invest time and energy in. But others will violate your boundaries, and treat you in ways that are less than you expect and deserve, and then there must be clear consequences for that violation. Like losing you as a spouse. That is how we create healthy relationships -- having enough self-respect not to tolerate and enable bad behavior from others.

Regognizing what you deserve, and being able to articulate to yourself what is and what is not acceptabe behavior -- that is the reason why you need therapy and self-reflection. He is responsible for being a jerk-wad, using, and treating you poorly. You are responsible for accepting such treatment. So work on yourself, the only thing you can control. And leave him to figure out his own mess.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Most people do not understand addiction. That is obvious here and I knew how people would react. I am not justifying his behavior or telling the Izzy to stay because addiction is a disease. Actually, I could never ethically tell ANYONE to stay or leave their spouse. My point in every thread on substance abuse is the addict is sick. Not "sick" in quotes but SICK. Drug dependence is in the DSM-IV TR. It is a REAL disease. I know that is shocking and uncomfortable for some people to hear but it is NOT ABOUT CHOOSING to be an addict. He is an addict. He will ALWAYS BE AN ADDICT. He can live in recovery but he will never be recovered. Period. I have seen miracles. Men and women who against all odds found a way to live a sober life. It is not a hopeless situation but you cannot force anyone to change.

Pandora, actually drug dependence is very similar to mental illness and many times there is an underlying medical illness or personality disorder. You have a PHYSICAL dependence on opiates. You are not an addict b/c your brain functions differently than an addicts. One pill actually CAN trigger an addiction is someone with the disease so it is grossly unfair for you to judge substance abusers. I was not suggesting Izzy "tolerate" unacceptable behavior. I only suggest she stop blaming a sick man. Leave or stay. But no good EVER comes from confessing someone else's sins.

amc, an addict does not choose to use. As someone who is studying to be an LCAS I can objectively say that 99% of addicts want to be clean. They don't abuse substances to get high (after a point), they abuse them to feel normal. It is a cunning, baffling, tragic disease. Unfortunately the stigma against it only perpetuates the shame and guilt. I thank god everyday that I do not struggle with addictions.

DD, not suggesting she stay or leave but only accept reality. In reality she has been infected with the family disease of addiction. She can choose to ignore that and think that without him in her life things will be perfect or accept that she also needs counseling. One of the best definitions of serenity I have heard is serenity is not the absence of conflict but the ability to cope with it. Like you said, it is no longer about him, especially if she leaves. It is about her and learning to accept, forgive, and move on in a healthy and mature way. You are right, learning to stay in one's hula hoop is very difficult.

Izzy, stop going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread. He is who he is. Accept it or move on are your only choices. Fix you, bless him.
 

somethingshiny

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I 100% agree with Tacori and Dreamer.
 

diamondseeker2006

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I agree, too. Having had personal experience with someone with addictions in my family, I can tell you there is often an underlying mental illness that makes the person a likely candidate for addiction. Then it is hard to sort out which behaviors are a result of the addiction (which is a real physical condition) or the mental illness which has maybe been worsened by substance abuse. The sad thing is, people mistakenly think of the person can quit alcohol or a drug, they will magically be well. But for so many, this is not the case. And is is very, very hard for those who love these people. I think that is why even though I am opposed to divorce without significant cause, I feel like Izzy really needs to at least separate in order to give herself a chance to think all this through. If he did have an affair, then I think she has every reason to go ahead and call it quits. He may never be well and she cannot fix him. And to have children with someone in this condition would be horrible.

(Tacori, your post almost makes me cry because so many people just do not understand.)
 

Haven

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Izzy dear, I have no advice, just support. I hope you can find the strength you need to take care of yourself and find happiness.
 

Izzy03

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
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Messages
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Hi guys, the past couple of days I have been laying in bed and living on PS because I am still at my parents and don't have a car. I decided it was the beginning of a rut, so I am trying to distance myself from PS a little. Today I watched one of my favorite movies and went for a run.

Of course, the drama has continued. My husband has sent me a lot of text messages the past few days and I was able to ignore them until today when "B" also sent me. My curiosity and anger got the best of me. Stupid me for responding, but I lost it. I just want to crawl under a rock until this all goes away on its own. Wouldn't that be nice?

This has turned into the classic "he said, she said". I'll give you all a summary. Seriously, this is more drama filled than reality TV.

The evening this all went down, Clint had taken a Xanax before bed, and when I woke him up screaming at him he was so groggy he actually stayed a hotel down the road. He said he has no memory of telling me that he saw her. He claims to have been so tire, out of it, and angry and thinks that he why he said that. His "story" is that she sent him several text messages that evening, telling him that she wanted to be with him. Supposedly he told her to leave us both alone and she continued to harass him. He also said that she tried this with his girlfriend before me as well. Based on her Facebook profile, B and her boyfriend broke up that same day, I don't think that is a coincidence.

Then SHE sends me a message saying that my husband has been running around town all year telling people that we are getting a divorce. It's a small town he's in the public eye for business, I can't help but think this news would have gotten back to me or one of my friends sooner. Anyways, she claims that for the past year, he has been calling/texting her saying that he wants her back, and they made plans to be together once his divorce was final. She went on to say that she finally became suspicious when he told her that he was waiting to get the ring back before the divorce was finalized. She made several comments that made me question her credibility, such as him using his iPhone to send her Facebook messages (he has never had an iPhone, and his phones do not have Facebook capabilities), timelines that didn't match up, y'all get the point.....

He never has negative things to say about anyone including his exes, but he told me years ago (well before we were married) that he broke up with her because of her constant lies, and she tried to hook up with her roommate's boyfriend. The only aspect of their stories that they BOTH stressed they have not seen each other at all. That makes me happy because I was panicking about STD's.

To be completely honest, I don't know that I believe either of them, I'm guessing there were lies on both parts. I will be going to our wireless provider tomorrow to get a text message log. I know that you guys will think that is a bad idea, but it's just the way I'm built. I don't want to lay awake at night wondering, or look back think "what if?" I want to KNOW and move on. The evidence is there, so why not examine it?! I agree with you guys, I need to get to a point where I don't care, but I'm not there yet. I think the text message log might help me get there.

I think she is scum, who else messes with a married man? I asked her to stop contacting me, and she continued to send messages, but has stopped since I ignored her last attempts.

As for him, even if he is telling the truth: 1.) He took Xanax. He did not abuse Xanax in the past, but I'm not comfortable with an addict/recovering addict taking it, even if only at bedtime. 2.) I asked him to let me know if she tried contacting him again, and he didn't. He claims that he didn't want to upset me and thought he could deal with it on his own. Regardless, that was not part of our deal. 3.) He still has anger issues that I don't know if he will ever work through.

I have not told him my plans on moving out, I don't think I owe him anything right now.

You all are so awesome, thank you for all your continued support, and advice on all of this.
 

Izzy03

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Messages
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diamondseeker2006|1305083549|2918102 said:
I agree, too. Having had personal experience with someone with addictions in my family, I can tell you there is often an underlying mental illness that makes the person a likely candidate for addiction. Then it is hard to sort out which behaviors are a result of the addiction (which is a real physical condition) or the mental illness which has maybe been worsened by substance abuse. The sad thing is, people mistakenly think of the person can quit alcohol or a drug, they will magically be well. But for so many, this is not the case. And is is very, very hard for those who love these people. I think that is why even though I am opposed to divorce without significant cause, I feel like Izzy really needs to at least separate in order to give herself a chance to think all this through. If he did have an affair, then I think she has every reason to go ahead and call it quits. He may never be well and she cannot fix him. And to have children with someone in this condition would be horrible.

(Tacori, your post almost makes me cry because so many people just do not understand.)

Yes! I used to think the addiction was our only problem, and as soon as I "FIXED" it, we would be happy. I have learned all too well that this is not the case. After DH "got clean", things were blissful for a few months. Then my trust issues started surfacing, and his ineffective coping mechanisms became apparent. Also, I believe Tacori and Italia both mentioned that addiction will overshadow other, more typical, marriage problems. It certainly did, because now I recognize some communication issues in our marriage. By themselves, they seem pretty "normal", but we just don't have the patience left in us to handle things the "right" way.

It looks like physically, there was no affair, but I can't keep putting myself in these positions with him.

I don't know for sure if divorce in my near future, but I agree with you DiamondSeeker, I need to remove myself from the environment so I can have time to process my thoughts.
 

movie zombie

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Messages
11,879
another that agrees re addiction....but its not your job to cure him. that's his job. your job is to figure out why you're still getting sucked in.

MoZo

ps i have my boots at the ready.....
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
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Messages
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There's a Consultant Psychiatrist in the UK who works mainly in prisons and has therefore has huge amounts of contact with addicts and people with mental health problems.

He writes under the name of Theodore Dalrymple and recently wrote a book called: 'Romancing Opiates: Pharmacological Lies And The Addiction Bureaucracy'. It makes for interesting reading.

I'm afraid I stand by what I said - I spent 7 years living with an alcoholic who ultimately killed himself so I have some first-hand experience of living with addiction as well as plenty of experience of mental illness through my own bipolar disorder and my extended family' illnesses (FIL has bipolar disorder with psychotic features, his wife was sectioned on xmas eve in 2008 - fun for all the family! My sister is bipolar, my other sister has PMDD and so on) and both my parents have worked in psychiatric units - my mother specialising in working with addicts.

Izzy, I would want to know too just for my own peace of mind either way. I'd rather know that someone cheated than have the whole he said, she said thing going on and wonder if I could trust my own judgement.

One thing that never rings true to me and I've read it again and again and again on PS is the guy saying that the ex kept texting him and he was just texting back to say not to contact him any more and to leave him alone. Sorry, but I don't buy this - they might not have been planning a liason but they were sure as hell having a good chat.
 

Tacori E-ring

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Messages
20,041
I met an interventionist who practices "love first" interventions. She told me about a client who was in her mid-30s. She lost custody of her 13 year old daughter, had no money, no job, and no place to live. Her family had an intervention including a letter from her daughter that would make you cry for days. The client went to rehab and left after 5 days. She is now living in an abandon garage covered in lice. This is a brain disease. No one in their right mind would choose anything in order to give up everything. I treat addicts no different than someone with a mental illness. In many ways they got the short end of the stick. I guess that is what makes me able to work with that population. I don't judge. That's not my job. My job is to help facilitate change for those who are able in an empathetic and safe environment. If you have any doubt try giving something up a mind altering substance (ex. sugar, coffee, etc) for two weeks. Something you really enjoy. Keep a journal about how it makes you feel.

DS, thanks friend. I am a huge advocate for EVERYONE in the family to get help. Using drugs is just a symptom of the disease.

MZ, amen sister. That is why I stress Al-anon. Do you know how many people I meet who married two or three alcoholics in a row?

Izzy, what good does snooping do? Does it make you more insane? You are not his mother, police officer, judge, jury. Especially if you have decided to move on, I think anything like that just pours salts in the wounds and if nothing shows will you even believe that? Let go or be dragged. Let go. Take ALL the energy you are using obsessing over him and his illness (and rumors) and work on getting to know yourself. YOU are who you are stuck with for the rest of your life. Not him. Not any other man. I know this is difficult and painful. I am not minimizing the strain of loving a sick man. Do something healthy for yourself. You are in the fog right now. Someone once told me FOG stands for F'ing Opportunity to Grow. Sad, but true. This is when people grow. During the hard times.
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
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Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
Tacori E-ring|1305117452|2918378 said:
I met an interventionist who practices "love first" interventions. She told me about a client who was in her mid-30s. She lost custody of her 13 year old daughter, had no money, no job, and no place to live. Her family had an intervention including a letter from her daughter that would make you cry for days. The client went to rehab and left after 5 days. She is now living in an abandon garage covered in lice. This is a brain disease. No one in their right mind would choose anything in order to give up everything. I treat addicts no different than someone with a mental illness. In many ways they got the short end of the stick. I guess that is what makes me able to work with that population. I don't judge. That's not my job. My job is to help facilitate change for those who are able in an empathetic and safe environment. If you have any doubt try giving something up a mind altering substance (ex. sugar, coffee, etc) for two weeks. Something you really enjoy. Keep a journal about how it makes you feel.

DS, thanks friend. I am a huge advocate for EVERYONE in the family to get help. Using drugs is just a symptom of the disease.

MZ, amen sister. That is why I stress Al-anon. Do you know how many people I meet who married two or three alcoholics in a row?

Izzy, what good does snooping do? Does it make you more insane? You are not his mother, police officer, judge, jury. Especially if you have decided to move on, I think anything like that just pours salts in the wounds and if nothing shows will you even believe that? Let go or be dragged. Let go. Take ALL the energy you are using obsessing over him and his illness (and rumors) and work on getting to know yourself. YOU are who you are stuck with for the rest of your life. Not him. Not any other man. I know this is difficult and painful. I am not minimizing the strain of loving a sick man. Do something healthy for yourself. You are in the fog right now. Someone once told me FOG stands for F'ing Opportunity to Grow. Sad, but true. This is when people grow. During the hard times.

Ditto the bolded. There is absolutely no point in dragging out the drama. You need therapy ASAP to figure out why you are willing to put up with his behavior. Focus on yourself, not him and his lies.
 

movie zombie

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2005
Messages
11,879
this guy is the leading person re addiction: http://www.drgabormate.com/

you find almost nothing in the US about him. hungarian by birth and working in canada. his story is a good example. read anything and everything you can by him, izzy. there are a ton of videos on youtube so just search for that and listen to some of them.

NOT to help your husband but to help YOU. before you try and change someone else remember how hard it is to change yourself.

re addictions: i went through 3 weeks of serious headache body ache withdrawals from colas. the mere smell of one to this day more than 20 years later drives me to want one. if one can feel that way re colas imagine how hard it can be for other substances.......

stop with the he said/she said games. that all it is. as long as you play it you're expending energy that should be used to get you out of this situation and on the road to your own self. you're playing with fire....and whether you realize it or not you're looking for an excuse to forgive him. you are scapegoating this other woman. he's the addict. he made the decisions to use and to even reply to her. nothing else matters. DO NOT READ HIS TEXT MESSAGES! until you can stop with this behavior, you are sucked in and hoping he will finally appreciate you. please read Read READ the books mentioned previously!

i will also say that people do not make changes until they hurt enough: are you hurting enough yet?

MoZo

ps ok, i'll take the boot off now.
 

Dreamer_D

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
26,063
I think you can get a little "addicted" to drama in relationships and in your life, too. There is a high that comes from the adrenaline of a fight, or communication with B, or looking at texts. Think about it.

I would not look at the texts personally. It will only fuel drama, it is only a "drug", and in my opinion, what you know is sufficient to make a decision. Continuing to focus on this drama serves the function of avoiding thinking about you and what will happen next in your life.
 

Tacori E-ring

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 15, 2005
Messages
20,041
Izzy, I read this reading this morning and thought of you...

"I spend more time with myself than anyone else. Wouldn't it make sense to put some energy into making that relationship as fulfilling as possible? Another person cannot prevent me from feeling lonely, but my inner emptiness can be satisfied. I can come to value my own company. I am a worthwhile companion.

One of the illusions shared by many of us who have been affected by alcoholism is that only another person, usually the alcoholic, can fill that empty place within us. If only he was more attentive, if only she got sober, if only they were with me now, I wouldn't be lonely. But many of us remain lonely even after those conditions are met.

Today, when I am by myself, I will know that I am in good company. When I stop expecting others to meet all of my needs, I find new and exciting ways to enjoy my own friendship." -"Courage to Change" page 132
 

meresal

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 13, 2007
Messages
5,720
Izzy, I feel like you are looking for reasons to stay... ie, the Iphone thing and the Facebook situation.

I dealt with an issue before and decided not to go the text message route, however with you, if you want to, go right ahead.

IMO, a good-honest husband should NEVER leave you choosing between his story and another girl. It doesn't matter what "really" happened, but the fact that it is obvious that something DID happen, or else this girl wouldn't be back in your life.

Can you think of anything that this girl has to gain from telling you all of this information? If your husband hasn't been in touch with her, then what is the point in pitting you against him?

I hope that you can move past all of this.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
58,547
Izzy, did you get your things from your home? I've thought about you and wondered how that went. Hope you are okay.
 

House Cat

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
4,602
I'm very sorry Izzy.

A few things:

His inability to love you has nothing to do with YOU, your actions, your worth, who you are as a person. His inability to love anyone has to do with his self worth, his actions, and ultimately who HE is as a person. Please, constantly remind yourself of this. An addict who isn't in recovery is totally unable to love. It may look like love at times, but it isn't love. I learned this in therapy about the many addicts in my life.

Please, please, go to alanon. Give yourself that gift. If you can't do that, make this affair the excuse you need to start seeing a therapist?

I have bipolar disorder and anxiety. I take valium (a little stronger than xanax and longer lasting but in the same class of drugs) rarely, but I DO take it. If I had taken ONE Valium and fallen asleep, I would be TOTALLY coherent enough to understand the conversation of whether or not I had cheated on my partner. I would think an addict with a penchant for abusing such a drug would definitely have a tolerance enough to comprehend that conversation.



When you are ready, you will see that you actually DO deserve better than an abusive addict who cheats on you. You will see that you shouldn't have to make excuses in your mind or to your friends for his behavior. You will see that this was a total nightmare and not the dream of what COULD BE. There is a lot of talk about looking at reality and what IS. It is really easy to stay in a fog with abusers and addicts.

If you look back on the last year or even the last few months that you've been writing to us, you have been asking this man for a change in behavior. You have been stating that you will no longer tolerate his poor behavior. What has ensued? Worse behavior. I think you've gotten your answer as to how he is willing to treat you. He might give you a lot of lip service, but where do his actions lie?

I do hope that you can wade through the fog and into the clearing. There, you might find that you don't deserve this bully of a man.
 

Izzy03

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Dec 10, 2007
Messages
613
Hi all, yes I am okay. Hanging in there.

Thank you diamondseeker, you are so nice. Its always good to know that someone cares.

Well, I moved out. But kinda came back. I was scheduled to work (at my very part time job) so I stayed at our house because it is near this job. Long story short? I asked him if he took a pain killer for his knee. He flew off the handle. A very large argument ensued. I was shoved.

Maybe be shoved was exactly the "shove" I needed. I really never would have imagined he would put his hands on me. Whatever it happened. I am going to try and move on.

Housecat~ What he said that night was a result of him being "buzzed" that night. They never had an encounter, they both admit to that. In fact, I really do think a lot of what she said was a lie, I won't get into details on that. But who cares! I shouldn't have been put into the situation. Point. Bland. Period. I have a mild case of generalized anxiety disorder (it was an ordeal in high school but I am mostly able to manage without meds now) so I am very familiar with bezodiazapines. I don't think anything happened, but isn't a shame I had to worry about it? Thank you for your support.
 

lliang_chi

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 13, 2008
Messages
3,740
Izzy, Are you OK? I'm furious and VERY CONCERNED for you, dear! Please, please, please get the help you need.
 

Anastasia

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 23, 2005
Messages
451
Izzy03|1306045416|2927622 said:
Hi all, yes I am okay. Hanging in there.


Maybe be shoved was exactly the "shove" I needed. I really never would have imagined he would put his hands on me. Whatever it happened. I am going to try and move on.

Do not "try" to move on, move on. He shoved you, this is inexcusable. It is not surprising that it has come to this,after all of his earlier behavior.

I wish you the best. It will get better. You do not need this drama in your life, and frankly, I am concerned for your physical well being.
 
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