Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Much???

[Mayk]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc



That's crazy to ask family and friends to make that large of an investment in time and money... Terrible self centered in my opinion. I would be mailing my RSVP back with regrets will not be able to make this event.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I haven't had a chance to read the responses others have given yet but this sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. Does this woman think the whole world revolves around her? Everyone I have every known that had a destination wedding only expect their guests to be their a couple days and in now way would have been offended if someone only came for the wedding and went home the next day. I'm also wondering if they don't really want people to attend. It sure seems that way to me. This is crazy! I would wish them well and just tell them that there is no way you can be away for that long.

Okay, this is what I thought.

1. "Guest." Your SIL doesn't understand what that word means. Same for "host."
2. Now that this little bit of kindergarten semantics is out of the way, she is asking people to come on a vacation with her, of her choice of location (extreme), style of travel (a lot of people don't like cruises, I'm in that camp), duration of travel (this impacts people's work), and schedule of the travel (same for work, childcare, petsitters, housesitters, etc). Pretty narcissistic. If this is how she is going to conduct herself for this event, get ready for her to do the same for family holidays and other decisions that families typically make together or share responsibilities rather than demands.
3. I agree with the poster who said this could be her way of inviting certain people yet ensuring they won't be there. Example: My first marriage, I got married in Juneau, Alaska. I sent out invitations but prior to sending them, I called each person or couple and explained myself regarding the location of the wedding and told them that I understood that it was crazy far and expensive for anyone to attend it, and I definitely expected no one to assume that kind of cost and inconvenience to attend. I wanted them to feel acknowledged in terms of their importance to me, nothing more.

You guys made me chuckle, because this is EXACTLY what I was thinking.

ETA: I feel sorry for tuffyluvr . . .

I feel sort of bad admitting this, but all these thoughts have gone through my head…

 

[tyty333]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

That's a big ship! But, I get it. Are they getting married on the ship? Before the cruise? I will say that cruise weddings are very expensive for what you get, and you have very little control over where and when the ceremony happens. That's why we got married before the cruise. If she is going that route, could you guys fly over for the wedding and then do your own trip?

That sounds like it would be a win-win situation. You would be there for you SIL but then could go on your own way to do
whatever you really wanted to do. Last time I was on a cruise (Disney), both my DS and I got sick. Any surprise
I'm not a cruise person? Hate being trapped on a boat.

 

[missy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Not reading anyone's responses before I reply. I wouldn't go. Too much time and too much money. If you can afford it and have the vacation and time and desire to go great but how many people have that kind of luxury? I would politely decline and I love weddings but this is just OTT.

I wonder if the couple really think the majority of the people they are inviting will be able to join them. I don't want to jump to any unfair conclusions but it really sounds like your SIL thinks they are the center of the universe because that is asking for a lot. I find that younger people today really think everything is all about them and they feel entitled to it all. That might be unfair and sure we can all be selfish but this is my perception of the younger generations more so than people in my generation and before.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Not reading anyone's responses before I reply. I wouldn't go. Too much time and too much money. If you can afford it and have the vacation and time and desire to go great but how many people have that kind of luxury? I would politely decline and I love weddings but this is just OTT.

I wonder if the couple really think the majority of the people they are inviting will be able to join them. I don't want to jump to any unfair conclusions but it really sounds like your SIL thinks they are the center of the universe because that is asking for a lot. I find that younger people today really think everything is all about them and they feel entitled to it all. That might be unfair and sure we can all be selfish but this is my perception of the younger generations more so than people in my generation and before.

What's really sad is that she is not that young--it's not that she is young and selfish or immature! You would think she would know better! I cannot imagine that she would be happy if she were on the other side of the coin!!!

 

[dk168]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Her wedding, her choice, and it is the choice of each guest whether to attend or not. If she throws toys out of the pram if only a small number of guests can attend, then she only has herself to blame.


DK

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Her wedding, her choice, and it is the choice of each guest whether to attend or not. If she throws toys out of the pram if only a small number of guests can attend, then she only has herself to blame.


DK

Hahahaha, TRUE!

 

[amc80]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

That's a big ship! But, I get it. Are they getting married on the ship? Before the cruise? I will say that cruise weddings are very expensive for what you get, and you have very little control over where and when the ceremony happens. That's why we got married before the cruise. If she is going that route, could you guys fly over for the wedding and then do your own trip?

HUGE! That's part of the reason we don't want to go… They're not getting married on the ship. They want to find a venue at one of the ports and have a small ceremony followed by canapés and cocktails, then return to the ship for dinner. Honestly, it sounds really chintzy to me, like they are trying to avoid paying for a "real" wedding. She doesn't even want to serve lunch?!? I suppose we could meet them at port for the wedding ceremony, but that would mean only spending a few hours with her and the rest of the family.

Have they researched this at all? A lot of countries require a waiting period- meaning you have to be in the country for a few days before getting a marriage license. Italy, for example, is a 3 day waiting period.

 

[VRBeauty]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

To expand just a bit on my response - it's a huge ask, in terms of money and time and essentially dictating how people will spend their vacations. You haven't mentioned your the soon-to-be betrothed age group, but this would be a "stretch" for most people, especially for those still climbing the career ladder or setting up their own households.

That said, we did once accept an invite to a destination wedding in Bali, and we were looking forward to it too - unfortunately, the wedding was to be held in the first week of October, 2001. 9-11 happened, global travel was beyond disrupted for a few weeks, and Indonesia was the first place put on the State Dept.'s caution list. And after a few weeks of uncertainty, the wedding was postponed (and ultimately rescheduled stateside). I have yet to make it to Bali. I'm not sure we would have accepted that invite had it been for a two-week cruise with a fixed schedule though, as we had planned to also visit relatives in the area as part of our trip, and probably would not have been able to afford the additional time and expense costs on top of a 10-day cruise.

 

[chemgirl]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Just posting to say I totally get the not wanting to be on a big cruise ship for 12 days. That is seriously not enjoyable for me in any way. I would rather be at work.

Not a fan of all inclusive resort either, but that one is a bit more complex.

Much prefer wandering around new places.

Coworkers and DH's family seem to think I'm defective lol. It's always nice to hear from people who feel the same way.

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

OP, I guess you are just venting but honestly why are you even still thinking about it? You said that you would be there "regardless". Honestly, I'm disappointed. You have made it known that you don't really want to spend the time and money. But you will go to make someone else happy, at your own personal financial and emotional expense? Well, my hat's off to you. I am certainly not that selfless and forgiving. For your and your DHs sake and for the sake of all your time and money spent, I do hope you have a great time. Good luck.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

That's a big ship! But, I get it. Are they getting married on the ship? Before the cruise? I will say that cruise weddings are very expensive for what you get, and you have very little control over where and when the ceremony happens. That's why we got married before the cruise. If she is going that route, could you guys fly over for the wedding and then do your own trip?

HUGE! That's part of the reason we don't want to go… They're not getting married on the ship. They want to find a venue at one of the ports and have a small ceremony followed by canapés and cocktails, then return to the ship for dinner. Honestly, it sounds really chintzy to me, like they are trying to avoid paying for a "real" wedding. She doesn't even want to serve lunch?!? I suppose we could meet them at port for the wedding ceremony, but that would mean only spending a few hours with her and the rest of the family.

Have they researched this at all? A lot of countries require a waiting period- meaning you have to be in the country for a few days before getting a marriage license. Italy, for example, is a 3 day waiting period.

I honestly don't know if they've looked into it… and obviously this is a really good question to ask!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

To expand just a bit on my response - it's a huge ask, in terms of money and time and essentially dictating how people will spend their vacations. You haven't mentioned your the soon-to-be betrothed age group, but this would be a "stretch" for most people, especially for those still climbing the career ladder or setting up their own households.

That said, we did once accept an invite to a destination wedding in Bali, and we were looking forward to it too - unfortunately, the wedding was to be held in the first week of October, 2001. 9-11 happened, global travel was beyond disrupted for a few weeks, and Indonesia was the first place put on the State Dept.'s caution list. And after a few weeks of uncertainty, the wedding was postponed (and ultimately rescheduled stateside). I have yet to make it to Bali. I'm not sure we would have accepted that invite had it been for a two-week cruise with a fixed schedule though, as we had planned to also visit relatives in the area as part of our trip, and probably would not have been able to afford the additional time and expense costs on top of a 10-day cruise.

They are both in their mid-30s. We're all relatively established and most of the people they're inviting probably CAN afford the trip, however, whether they want to spend that kind of money to attend remains to be seen!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Just posting to say I totally get the not wanting to be on a big cruise ship for 12 days. That is seriously not enjoyable for me in any way. I would rather be at work.

Not a fan of all inclusive resort either, but that one is a bit more complex.

Much prefer wandering around new places.

Coworkers and DH's family seem to think I'm defective lol. It's always nice to hear from people who feel the same way.

I feel exactly the same. I would much rather just pay accommodation and arrange everything else on my own. I've never stayed at an all-inclusive, but I have a feeling that it would give me the same sort of feeling as a cruise ship, which is the feeling of being TRAPPED!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

OP, I guess you are just venting but honestly why are you even still thinking about it? You said that you would be there "regardless". Honestly, I'm disappointed. You have made it known that you don't really want to spend the time and money. But you will go to make someone else happy, at your own personal financial and emotional expense? Well, my hat's off to you. I am certainly not that selfless and forgiving. For your and your DHs sake and for the sake of all your time and money spent, I do hope you have a great time. Good luck.

You are absolutely right--why am I still thinking about this if I' obligated to go??? Well, firstly, you are correct: I suppose I am venting. Secondly, I was hoping to get some outside perspective because when I brought this up to my friends they were shocked and horrified. I felt like if others felt the same way (and my friends weren't just taking my side) then I would talk to DH about trying to tactfully speak to his sister about it. I guess I probably just don't know when to shut my mouth!

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

If my husband and I are going to take his vacation time and go on a cruise it is not going to be a cruise with a group of people celebrating a wedding. And two weeks? I'd probably be so ticked off by the end of the journey I be ready to walk the plank.

I don't know your financial position and it's none of my business, but to me it is extremely nervy that she asks, no expects, others to pony up that kind of money {not to mention peoples' vacation time} for her pretty princess moment. I'd politely decline.

 

[Imdanny]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

And no lunch! Wow.

 

[jordyonbass]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Distracts and JDDN, I might make a thread next week with some pics from the wedding of me and my guys in our pirate outfits. They were actually really well put together and we looked awesome, there should be some giggles!

tuffyluvr, the weddings like yours and mine where it's more hands on by the couple seem to always turn out cheaper but more fun for all involved. We had our centrepieces set up with fairy lights, the roof of the reception room had them as well and we put on a frozen daiquiris for our guests. The venue owner even said it was one of the more memorable weddings he has done. For a budget we had an awesome day and I feel your SIL could have more for less if she opened her eyes to the options. But if she's got her heart set on it then like I said she can't be disappointed when only a handful of people can make it. It's a big investment for someone else's special day

 

[texaskj]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Way, way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too much.

Too much time and too much money.

(P.S. to Deb, add me to the list of people who don't think Disney is the happiest place on Earth.)

 

[arkieb1]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

You need to get your husband or someone in the family that is O.K standing up to her to request very politely that they have some sort of lunch (even if people pay for themselves) or gathering somewhere either where the ship stops so one of the ports or on the actual ship itself in one of the places it stops, and guests who cannot afford to go on the whole cruise, or aren't cruise people can meet up. That way you get to spend time with them say congrats on getting married and that is it.

My husband isn't a ship/cruise person he will not get on them and I get seasick so it would be a no way for me.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

You need to get your husband or someone in the family that is O.K standing up to her to request very politely that they have some sort of lunch (even if people pay for themselves) or gathering somewhere either where the ship stops so one of the ports or on the actual ship itself in one of the places it stops, and guests who cannot afford to go on the whole cruise, or aren't cruise people can meet up. That way you get to spend time with them say congrats on getting married and that is it.

My husband isn't a ship/cruise person he will not get on them and I get seasick so it would be a no way for me.

I actually JUST spoke to DH… he talked to his mom about it, and she is really upset, but doesn't want to voice her concerns, so DH has agreed to talk to her. MIL cannot swim and gets terribly seasick, so the idea of being trapped on a ship is pretty much her worst nightmare!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

You need to get your husband or someone in the family that is O.K standing up to her to request very politely that they have some sort of lunch (even if people pay for themselves) or gathering somewhere either where the ship stops so one of the ports or on the actual ship itself in one of the places it stops, and guests who cannot afford to go on the whole cruise, or aren't cruise people can meet up. That way you get to spend time with them say congrats on getting married and that is it.

My husband isn't a ship/cruise person he will not get on them and I get seasick so it would be a no way for me.

I actually JUST spoke to DH… he talked to his mom about it, and she is really upset, but doesn't want to voice her concerns, so DH has agreed to talk to her. MIL cannot swim and gets terribly seasick, so the idea of being trapped on a ship is pretty much her worst nightmare!

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

You need to get your husband or someone in the family that is O.K standing up to her to request very politely that they have some sort of lunch (even if people pay for themselves) or gathering somewhere either where the ship stops so one of the ports or on the actual ship itself in one of the places it stops, and guests who cannot afford to go on the whole cruise, or aren't cruise people can meet up. That way you get to spend time with them say congrats on getting married and that is it.

My husband isn't a ship/cruise person he will not get on them and I get seasick so it would be a no way for me.

I actually JUST spoke to DH… he talked to his mom about it, and she is really upset, but doesn't want to voice her concerns, so DH has agreed to talk to her. MIL cannot swim and gets terribly seasick, so the idea of being trapped on a ship is pretty much her worst nightmare!

 

[baby monster]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

You need to get your husband or someone in the family that is O.K standing up to her to request very politely that they have some sort of lunch (even if people pay for themselves) or gathering somewhere either where the ship stops so one of the ports or on the actual ship itself in one of the places it stops, and guests who cannot afford to go on the whole cruise, or aren't cruise people can meet up. That way you get to spend time with them say congrats on getting married and that is it.

My husband isn't a ship/cruise person he will not get on them and I get seasick so it would be a no way for me.

I actually JUST spoke to DH… he talked to his mom about it, and she is really upset, but doesn't want to voice her concerns, so DH has agreed to talk to her. MIL cannot swim and gets terribly seasick, so the idea of being trapped on a ship is pretty much her worst nightmare!

Heehee. Maybe her plan all along was NOT to have mom there? I'm assuming the daughter is quite aware that her mother gets terribly seasick.

 

[momhappy]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

OP, I guess you are just venting but honestly why are you even still thinking about it? You said that you would be there "regardless". Honestly, I'm disappointed. You have made it known that you don't really want to spend the time and money. But you will go to make someone else happy, at your own personal financial and emotional expense? Well, my hat's off to you. I am certainly not that selfless and forgiving. For your and your DHs sake and for the sake of all your time and money spent, I do hope you have a great time. Good luck.

You are absolutely right--why am I still thinking about this if I' obligated to go??? Well, firstly, you are correct: I suppose I am venting. Secondly, I was hoping to get some outside perspective because when I brought this up to my friends they were shocked and horrified. I felt like if others felt the same way (and my friends weren't just taking my side) then I would talk to DH about trying to tactfully speak to his sister about it. I guess I probably just don't know when to shut my mouth!

I didn't realize that you planned on going - I must have missed that part. That part confuses me because as an adult, you should have the ability to make your own choices. I understand that there might be consequences to some choices, but you deal with it and move on with life. I really can't think of anyone in my life (my own siblings included) that I would attend that sort of wedding for. It's FAR too much to ask and they probably already know that. I wouldn't speak to them about it either (or encourage another family member to do so). It's their wedding and their choices and they shouldn't have to cater to the wants/needs/desires of others, but (and it's a BIG "but") they should lower their expectations so that they are not disappointed when barely anyone shows up for the wedding.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

You need to get your husband or someone in the family that is O.K standing up to her to request very politely that they have some sort of lunch (even if people pay for themselves) or gathering somewhere either where the ship stops so one of the ports or on the actual ship itself in one of the places it stops, and guests who cannot afford to go on the whole cruise, or aren't cruise people can meet up. That way you get to spend time with them say congrats on getting married and that is it.

My husband isn't a ship/cruise person he will not get on them and I get seasick so it would be a no way for me.

I actually JUST spoke to DH… he talked to his mom about it, and she is really upset, but doesn't want to voice her concerns, so DH has agreed to talk to her. MIL cannot swim and gets terribly seasick, so the idea of being trapped on a ship is pretty much her worst nightmare!

Heehee. Maybe her plan all along was NOT to have mom there? I'm assuming the daughter is quite aware that her mother gets terribly seasick.

They are very close, so that's certainly not the case… SIL seriously does not use her head. She is intelligent, but sometimes lacks common sense.

 

[Jennifer W]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

That's a big ship! But, I get it. Are they getting married on the ship? Before the cruise? I will say that cruise weddings are very expensive for what you get, and you have very little control over where and when the ceremony happens. That's why we got married before the cruise. If she is going that route, could you guys fly over for the wedding and then do your own trip?

HUGE! That's part of the reason we don't want to go… They're not getting married on the ship. They want to find a venue at one of the ports and have a small ceremony followed by canapés and cocktails, then return to the ship for dinner. Honestly, it sounds really chintzy to me, like they are trying to avoid paying for a "real" wedding. She doesn't even want to serve lunch?!? I suppose we could meet them at port for the wedding ceremony, but that would mean only spending a few hours with her and the rest of the family.

Have they researched this at all? A lot of countries require a waiting period- meaning you have to be in the country for a few days before getting a marriage license. Italy, for example, is a 3 day waiting period.

I honestly don't know if they've looked into it… and obviously this is a really good question to ask!

It's at least two, possibly three weeks in Scotland (can't remember which). If the cruise is to the British Isles, I don't think it will be possible to marry on shore, unless there's some provision I'm not aware of for visitors, maybe. If you go, one of the ports is right next to my office. I see these cruise ships there from time to time. They are vast! We can always go for lunch, if you want to vent by then.

 

[MollyMalone]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Well, not every idea that a relative or we ourselves might come up with is deserving of support. Does your husband's family generally "tip-toe" around this woman and/or others? My family and close friends can count on each other to give kindly, reality checks -- and this scenario could surely benefit from that.

(I obviously disagree with momhappy that they probably are aware of what all it means [at least, I'd like to think they have not thought it through; we know they are clueless about your MIL's concerns] -- and that it's fine for a couple, who are ostensibly hosting a wedding celebration, not eloping, to be utterly indifferent to their guests. Fundamental thoughtfulness & courteous consideration of others is not needless, distasteful pandering/"catering to" in my book.)

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

I was just talking to another friend who is going to Italy next year for her best friend's wedding. She lives in the U.S. The groom's family is all in Italy and he is the only one in the U.S. I can understand that. My friend is going to go as her husband has never been to Italy. They will make a vacation out of it. They were informed of it 9 months in advance so they are planning now. And another friend has been invited to Jamaica for a party wedding. She's not sure about that one.

 

[smitcompton]

Re: Sister-in-law's Destination Wedding: How Much Is Too Muc

Hi All,

Tuffy mentioned that she had gone to two destination weddings this year for 5 days each.. Why would her SIL think it was so absurd to plan this cruise if people she knows do this often enough. Tuffy also said that the people in her social circle could afford it. Tuffy, your only hangup is the 12 days on the cruise. So, find out the ports of call and separate from the group at one port, and continue on to see what you would like to see and visit. Ireland is close, or fly to Paris for a few days, and hit some high end jewelers.

I'm with molly here. We all have a bad idea or two now and then. Your husband can check with her.


Annette