Should I reveal my issues?

[foxinsox]

The 'no phone' policy is beyond anything I ever encounter. Even if a place has a No Cell policy casual excuses are accepted - I have never had to offer dramatic detail, a roll-eye does it.

How much worse is the second-best dog trainer?

Tbh if she handles a human not following her rules in her class, like this I actually wonder how effective a dog trainer she is.
What sort of training framework is she following and is it appropriate for your already fearful pup? Just because she has compliant dogs come out of her classes, it doesn’t actually mean she is an effective and good trainer. It could just mean she’s an effective bully.

 

[marymm]

Again, OP, you continue to disrespect the trainer by stating you perceive her no-phone policy as a "personal pet peeve." On what basis do you presume that? Several posters have stated logical and appropriate reasons why a no-phone policy is reasonable in a pet-training class. Some dogs may react badly to certain ring tones. Other people in the class may wonder why you get to answer your phone and want to check their own phone. People are paying the trainer to teach them and their pets. Your phone call was a disruption to them and the class. You say this trainer is the best; perhaps one of the reasons she is so successful is that her classes are focused solely on training.

If you truly believe your PTSD makes your issue & needs supersede established policies, then as a matter of respect and courtesy in situations where policies are in contravention of your needs, you should be prepared to speak up at the outset and ensure businesses are willing to engage with you on your terms. And perhaps you should carry with you a letter of medical necessity from your provider and share it as necessary when you are requesting exemption from policies and rules.

If you don't want to discuss your medical situation and don't want to abide by the rules, then seek out businesses that are more aligned to your needs, i.e., call the 2nd best trainer and find out her cell phone policy.

 

[Bonfire]

Tbh if she handles a human not following her rules in her class, like this I actually wonder how effective a dog trainer she is.
What sort of training framework is she following and is it appropriate for your already fearful pup? Just because she has compliant dogs come out of her classes, it doesn’t actually mean she is an effective and good trainer. It could just mean she’s an effective bully.

The dog trainer we used used to comment all the time that she was really training the owners! Definitely a lot of truth in that. Getting off on the wrong foot doesn’t mean things can’t work out going forward. Objectivity and respect go a long way, in all of our interactions. A little FYI, dog trainers are big on the alpha/pack leader concept. Find one YOU can work with!

 

[foxinsox]

The dog trainer we used used to comment all the time that she was really training the owners! Definitely a lot of truth in that. Getting off on the wrong foot doesn’t mean things can’t work out going forward. Objectivity and respect go a long way, in all of our interactions. A little FYI, dog trainers are big on the alpha/pack leader concept. Find one YOU can work with!

Not all are but still too many and it’s such an outdated and inaccurate concept when the science of wolf pack behaviour doesn’t support it

 

[Bonfire]

Not all are but still too many and it’s such an outdated and inaccurate concept when the science of wolf pack behaviour doesn’t support it

Oh I didn’t mean that FYI comment directly to you foxinsox, sorry it came across that way The alpha comment was tongue in cheek to represent the trainer’s behavior towards HC.
I didn’t realize it was an inaccurate concept in the canine world either. Learn something everyday!

 

[elle_chris]

Since I haven't read all the responses, I'm not sure if this was mentioned? Changing trainers?
I have two dogs and realized much too late that I should have found the best trainer for my dogs, AND myself and DH.
Considering your situation, you'd probably have much better results with your pup if you get someone who's more laid back, and understands that sometimes lessons get interrupted.

Having you worried in class about a phone ringing, or anything else that can set this person off, well, it travels to the dog.. and you need to be relaxed so your pup gets the most out of the sessions.
This is not a good situation for you, and it's probably not the best idea to put yourself in it again.

 

[tkyasx78]

I would find a new trainer if she wont let you answer your phone. For whatever reason ( and it is not her business why) you cannot turn the phone off and she doesn't want people interrupting HER plans for any reason even if it was a true emergency. Since she is worried about her schedule and not the dogs and owners, this will not work out long term.

This time was not an emergency, and no one was in danger AND you have told your family they cannot call next time so it shouldn't happen again unless it is an emergency.
BUT YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO BE ABLE TO BE REACHED IF IT WAS AN EMERGENCY!

Find a trainer who is concerned with OWNERS needs and the dogs not just making sure that the world will always stop for them.

 

[House Cat]

Again, OP, you continue to disrespect the trainer by stating you perceive her no-phone policy as a "personal pet peeve." On what basis do you presume that? Several posters have stated logical and appropriate reasons why a no-phone policy is reasonable in a pet-training class. Some dogs may react badly to certain ring tones. Other people in the class may wonder why you get to answer your phone and want to check their own phone. People are paying the trainer to teach them and their pets. Your phone call was a disruption to them and the class. You say this trainer is the best; perhaps one of the reasons she is so successful is that her classes are focused solely on training.

If you truly believe your PTSD makes your issue & needs supersede established policies, then as a matter of respect and courtesy in situations where policies are in contravention of your needs, you should be prepared to speak up at the outset and ensure businesses are willing to engage with you on your terms. And perhaps you should carry with you a letter of medical necessity from your provider and share it as necessary when you are requesting exemption from policies and rules.

If you don't want to discuss your medical situation and don't want to abide by the rules, then seek out businesses that are more aligned to your needs, i.e., call the 2nd best trainer and find out her cell phone policy.

Great idea! That letter you mention would be as easy as placing one phone call to my doctor.

Thank you.

 

[House Cat]

At one point I was a certified school social worker. I never had the chance to practice in a school setting (I worked in clinical settings), but I did all the work for certification, which included making plans for students who needed special accommodations so that they could learn. I think that you need a puppy training program that will make accommodations for your PTSD, House Cat, because you have special needs. I feel very bad that you have endured the life experiences that you have and that you now have had them triggered by your experiences in this class.

It has been, I know, painful. I think that some posters who have not been in your situation have come across as a bit judgmental, but I see you as being on a learning curve. You attempted to take a regular class, not knowing what would occur. When you had a problem you came here and asked for advice. I think that is a humble and very open way for you to look at your own situation.

My advice if for you just to treat this as part of a learning curve (and good for you for being able to grow from a painful series of experiences!). I think now it is time to look for a program that will accommodate your need to be able to use a phone!

I admire you!

Big hugs,
(((House Cat)))
Deb

Deb,

Thank you. This is very wise. I like to try and push myself and deny my issues and many times, I find myself in quicksand because of this behavior.

I am a work in progress.

I keep hoping this will all magically disappear someday and my old brain will return to me. At the very least, I hope that I can handle normal activities without having to talk about my trauma..again. PTSD already peppers all areas of my life, it would be nice to have a few small corners where it didn’t

The learning curve says to be more proactive and that I will have to forgive myself when I make mistakes.

Hugs to you Deb. I admire you too.

 

[cmd2014]

You’re a healthcare provider. Do you have any understanding of PTSD? I understand it is misunderstood by many. PTSD made that phone call from my son a 100% emergency. In my reality, he was dying. There was no way I was going to let it ring and let him die without trying to save him.

PTSD does exactly that.

I’m not a normal person. I have a severe condition that affects the way I think and behave. This is my reality. I am not saying this for pity. This is just a fact.

Normal people who choose to leave their phones on and take superfluous calls from their kids are one thing. I am not that.

I should have spoken to her after her introductory class but it isn’t the easiest thing to reveal your mental illness and ask for understanding. I like to avoid that conversation if at all possible, for obvious reasons.

I don’t feel I should have to give up my personal privacy for a personal pet peeve.

I'm not trying to be hurtful or disrespectful of your feelings (and text is a tricky one as it's difficult to read tone). I do understand PTSD, and I am sorry that you struggle so. You do have special concerns and unique needs, and it would have been better to talk honestly to the trainer about your concerns up front once you realized that it was going to be a problem to see if you could work it out, rather than disregarding the rules for the class and hoping for the best. Because at the end of the day, if what she is offering isn't going to suit your needs, I would agree with Deb that you may need to find somewhere that is going to be able to accommodate your unique needs. Maybe one-on-one puppy training would be a better fit for you. Especially since you have some unique challenges in terms of your puppy picking up some anxiety from you. That's something that a dog trainer should be able to help with, but is unlikely to be covered in a 'regular' training class.

 

[luv2sparkle]

House Cat, I so understand where you are coming from. I have never thought of myself as having PTSD, but I have also got those phone calls (twice) telling me my child was being air-lifted to a trauma center, and also went through the same experience as you, I was told my son was not going to live many times through his ordeal. Seeing car accidents makes my heart pound, often I can't quit thinking about the people if I have seen one, as I know first hand what they are going through. My kids are all grown now, but if I get a call from them late at night, my heart pounds and I have to pick it up right away and ask if they are all right before I can even hear anything else.
I also get a little bit irritated by people who say that for whatever reason you can't answer your phone. I don't have a problem with putting my phone on silent but if it vibrates and it is someone in my family, I am going to excuse myself and leave if I can, but answer it. If it is not a family member, I wouldn't answer it at all. I will say, there are some places like in school, for kids, I would understand the rule. I wouldn't call unless it was an emergency. But I would expect, if I did call, for my child to take the call after excusing themselves, because it was an emergency.
Anyone, who makes this their policy should acknowledge that there are exceptions to be made, and by saying you can't make an exception is basically saying that they are more important than you (or whatever is going on in your life).
In your case, it turned out not to be an emergency but you didn't know that before answering it. Dog training, is not more important than an emergency should there have been one. I would apologize, and I would tell the trainer that you would not answer other calls, and you will advise your family not to call unless it is an emergency in the future, but your son is home by himself, and if he needs to call, you will have to answer it. If she can't be ok with that, you will have to find another trainer.
We took our shepherd to a trainer and dropped her off for a week, and then she came home and worked with us once a week for a few weeks. Maybe you could find one like that if this one doesn't work out.
I don't know how long it has been for you but it has been 14 years for me since my sons accident, and I am by far better now than I was at first. I hope time will give you healing. Big hugs.

 

[AV_]

I could not get this thread out of my mind; what a nightmare you are living, HC!

It should not take TMI to make yourself understood. Not many get to make rules & attempts to do so come with a debt of courtesy.

 

[Matthews1127]

@House Cat, so very sorry you have had such a tough road. BIG HUGS!!

I haven’t read through the entire thread, but it appears many agree with my opinions, so I’m going to express my feelings on your situation.

1. EVERYONE has a life, and a “zero phone policy” is extremely unreasonable. Regardless of YOUR specific situation, I’m quite certain others have other circumstances that would require them to be available, in case of emergency. The lack of realization by this dog trainer that there is life outside her class is completely BAFFLING to me.

2. The MOMENT this woman announced to the class that she was illogical, and actually had this policy, I would have had to speak up; I have children, and my mother is an Alzheimer’s patient. There is no “no phone policy” for me; I HAVE to be available. No exceptions. She & I would have to be able to work with that, and AROUND it, or I’d be walking.
My employer prefers that none of us use our personal phones for anything, and requires that personal calls be kept at a minimum, and allows us to use a back line for personal calls to be received, in case of necessity or emergency. I keep my cell phone out in the open, and when it rings from any of my kids’ schools, I immediately pick up the business phone & return the call on the back line. I have been known to step out to take the call on my cell phone. My office manager does not have any children, but she understands I DO, and being available is ESSENTIAL. She knows this is non-negotiable.
Your situation is also NON-NEGOTIABLE.
If she can’t understand that, she is unreasonable, and needs people therapy. You simply cannot have a public business & expect people to completely be unavailable to the other people in their lives. Life happens to everyone. There has to be some give, under certain circumstances.

3. Her reaction was completely irrational, unprofessional, and unnecessary; she has anger management issues, if she is triggered so easily by something that innocent.
That sends up red flags for me. Granted, some people don’t deal well with people, and that’s all fine & dandy....BUT, this business requires that she deal with people....so, she needs to learn how to do that, respectfully.

4. I have a difficult time believing SHE is your best option. If she had flipped on me over something so trivial, I’d be in search of someone new.
That’s just me, though....

 

[luv2sparkle]

Another option I have used, is if one of my kids calls and for some reason I can't take the call. I immediately text them and say where I am and ask if its important. Might not be an emergency, but important is good enough for me to call back.
I agree with Matthews, the trainer behaved badly. Don't come unglued at me like that. There are better ways to handle it, like quietly asking you about it after class.

 

[Bonfire]

Did you go to your training class today? How did it go?

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Sadly depending on where you live, there may not always be a lot of options for something like a professional dog trainer, which is probably how this trainer gets away with her behavior. I’m in a big city and can always take my business elsewhere but I have friends who live in smaller communities and they have to put up with all sorts of divas if they don’t want to drive an hour out of their way for certain services.

 

[luv2sparkle]

after reading all the responses, I forgot you mentioned it had been 13 years for you. Hoping healing comes to you soon, HC, and relief.

 

[aljdewey]

For those who are chiding that the trainer could have handled it better......I'm a bit surprised. In a perfect world, yes, we'd all react with absolute grace once we've been disrespected, but in the real world, that's a really tall order.

I think incredibly highly of HouseCat, and she's been really open here over the years about her trauma. That said, though, she opened the door to disrespect by not respecting the trainer enough to broach her up front about her need for an exception to the policy. She knew there was a policy, she knows it's strictly enforced, but because she feels it's not reasonable and merely a pet-peeve, she didn't extend the courtesy to the trainer in giving a heads up that she needed an exception. So yeah, I can see where the trainer felt disrespected, and with no other information other than her observing someone on the phone, I can see why she was irate.

That said, House Cat, I don't think you owe it to anyone to provide the full backstory of your issue in order to get the exemption. In this situation, I would have approached the trainer prior to the onset of the class and explained that while I understood the policy, I would be unable to shut off my phone as my 13-YO son was home alone and I couldn't be inaccessible. A simple heads-up may have avoided this whole exchange without you needing to disclose intensely private information.

Had she been unable to accommodate this request up front, then I'd conclude she wasn't the right choice for me and move on.

While I don't endorse or support the trainer's reaction, I do absolutely understand it. You treated her without respect by not approaching her for an exemption to a policy you knew about, and she treated you without respect when you breached her policy without explanation.

 

[House Cat]

Did you go to your training class today? How did it go?

I went, but the class was so busy and she was so hurried to get out of there afterward, there was no opportunity to talk to her. I am going to call her on Wednesday. This is when she takes and returns calls.

I brought my son with me to the class this week. In the future, I’m going to put my dad on alert and have my son call him. This isn’t the most ideal situation because it won’t be ME handling the emergency. At least it will be my dad...someone I almost trust as much as myself.

Thank you everyone for your input. I’ve been given a lot to think about in this thread.

 

[TooPatient]

I went, but the class was so busy and she was so hurried to get out of there afterward, there was no opportunity to talk to her. I am going to call her on Wednesday. This is when she takes and returns calls.

I brought my son with me to the class this week. In the future, I’m going to put my dad on alert and have my son call him. This isn’t the most ideal situation because it won’t be ME handling the emergency. At least it will be my dad...someone I almost trust as much as myself.

Thank you everyone for your input. I’ve been given a lot to think about in this thread.

That sounds like a good plan. Your dad can still call you if needed but he can make sure important but not emergency stuff is handled so you just get a text that it is all taken care of. He can also get emergency situations responded to (paramedics on the way, fire out, whatever) then let you know so there is less of a wait for help.

 

[cmd2014]

Good for you for going back. That can’t have been easy. And good for you for enlisting your dad. That’s not going to be easy either (because it’s hard to trust that things are going to be ok when there have been times that they haven’t been). But small steps forward every day, right? And taking your son to learn puppy training is a good idea too (the more people on the same page the better).

 

[Calliecake]

House Cat, Please ignore everything I wrote above. If my young niece called, I know I would answer to make sure she was okay no matter what was going on. Your idea about having your son call your dad during your appointment is a good idea but only if you won’t be under great stress worrying about this when you are in the class.

I met with many transplant specialists, liver specialists and kidney specialists on a daily basis when my family member was in the hospital for months. Not one of them ever asked that my phone be turned off during our conversations. If I were a parent, my child needs would always come first. I would talk to my child and explain to him to please call only during an emergency during the time of your class. He may call during the class. If this happens it certainly isn’t a matter of life and death if you step,away to take the call for a few moments.

I would look into finding another dog trainer who will work one on one with you and your dog. As @Bonfire noted above they were very good at pointing out what my husband and I were doing wrong and help make training our dog easier. It’s important that you are comfortable. This trainer may not be a good for you and your dog.

 

[House Cat]

House Cat, Please ignore everything I wrote above. If my young niece called, I know I would answer to make sure she was okay no matter what was going on. Your idea about having your son call your dad during your appointment is a good idea but only if you won’t be under great stress worrying about this when you are in the class.

I met with many transplant specialists, liver specialists and kidney specialists on a daily basis when my family member was in the hospital for months. Not one of them ever asked that my phone be turned off during our conversations. If I were a parent, my child needs would always come first. I would talk to my child and explain to him to please call only during an emergency during the time of your class. He may call during the class. If this happens it certainly isn’t a matter of life and death if you step,away to take the call for a few moments.

I would look into finding another dog trainer who will work one on one with you and your dog. As @Bonfire noted above they were very good at pointing out what my husband and I were doing wrong and help make training our dog easier. It’s important that you are comfortable. This trainer may not be a good for you and your dog.

I’m sorry you’ve been through so much with your neice. That must’ve been a really terrible time for you.

I didn’t ignore what you said, I took it to heart and asked my husband if it was possible that my PTSD exaggerated her reaction. Her face was red, she said the words. My husband said “yes, your PTSD exaggerated her reaction. She was red faced from interacting with her dog but she was matter of fact with you.”

In my memory of the event, all I see is an angry red face, her hissing at me, and nothing else. I end up with no peripheral vision. So, if my husband says she wasn’t all that angry and I was on high alert and just thought my son was dying...I will take his word for it. I know that everything can get distorted when I am in this state. I hate that about this disorder. I am embarrassed.

I’m grateful that you brought this up. It brought a bit of logical reality to the situation.

You’re one of my favorites on this board too. Because of your gentle nature, I know you wouldn’t bring something up to hurt me.

 

[House Cat]

Good for you for going back. That can’t have been easy. And good for you for enlisting your dad. That’s not going to be easy either (because it’s hard to trust that things are going to be ok when there have been times that they haven’t been). But small steps forward every day, right? And taking your son to learn puppy training is a good idea too (the more people on the same page the better).

Thank you.

I put one more thing into place. Anytime I’m out of the house without my son, I’m having him call me for no reason to try and desensitize my reaction to him calling. Soon we will have him call fewer and fewer times until I’m less reactionary. More small steps.

 

[Tekate]

Housecat if I may ask and you may deny but how long have you been diagnosed with PTSD? I have a lot of insight into PTSD having been diagnosed by psychologist, SW, and psychologist as having it. It was very nice to get a word that I could hang onto.

PTSD changes your brain and while I wasn't a before tekate because my problems started as a youngster, I always wondered what I would have been like if I had not had all the trauma I had. Can't know though. I told my sister we were like Humpty Dumpty, we had been put back together again, but the shell is cracked and will never be solid.

I ask your timeframe to try and understand why you are so offended by a person who has a rule, a rule that your broke and was reprimanded for and want to use your PTSD is a reason to be able to break that rule? I went thru this scenario many many times in therapies over the years.

PTSD can be a reason why a person does what they do, but PTSD does not make unacceptable behavior acceptable. I have trouble with this when in my life (probably daily, I spend an amount of time sayig: "what would normal people do?") There is no bye for PTSD, just the reason.

I feel so deeply for you there are no words. But I feel you are soooo lucky to have a b4 you, that you may come back over the ensuing years if this was just recent in your life.. like I said to my big sis, we will never know what normal is.

So you may want to discuss this with your therapist, I think my therapist (I don't go right now, haven't felt the need but I would if I felt it) would say boundaries, acceptance, change the environment, which is what some said above, get a new dog trainer, one that allow texting say or total phone ringin. Solutions to the panic, solutions to my anger etc etc etc were helpful from all my therapy, often hard to do.. if you have had hospitilizations and lots of therapy you have heard all the solutions and how to frame and use them, many many times impossible to do at any given moment. I know.

She has her right to demand NO phones, you have the right to walk.

Deb,

Thank you. This is very wise. I like to try and push myself and deny my issues and many times, I find myself in quicksand because of this behavior.

I am a work in progress.

I keep hoping this will all magically disappear someday and my old brain will return to me. At the very least, I hope that I can handle normal activities without having to talk about my trauma..again. PTSD already peppers all areas of my life, it would be nice to have a few small corners where it didn’t

The learning curve says to be more proactive and that I will have to forgive myself when I make mistakes.

Hugs to you Deb. I admire you too.

 

[TooPatient]

Thank you.

I put one more thing into place. Anytime I’m out of the house without my son, I’m having him call me for no reason to try and desensitize my reaction to him calling. Soon we will have him call fewer and fewer times until I’m less reactionary. More small steps.

Wonderful idea! I know this will be difficult for you, but these baby steps will (hopefully) give you (plus your family) a much less anxious life. Re-reading your original post, I cried for you as I can only imagine your fears every time the phone rings.

Hang in there!

 

[House Cat]

Housecat if I may ask and you may deny but how long have you been diagnosed with PTSD? I have a lot of insight into PTSD having been diagnosed by psychologist, SW, and psychologist as having it. It was very nice to get a word that I could hang onto.

PTSD changes your brain and while I wasn't a before tekate because my problems started as a youngster, I always wondered what I would have been like if I had not had all the trauma I had. Can't know though. I told my sister we were like Humpty Dumpty, we had been put back together again, but the shell is cracked and will never be solid.

I ask your timeframe to try and understand why you are so offended by a person who has a rule, a rule that your broke and was reprimanded for and want to use your PTSD is a reason to be able to break that rule? I went thru this scenario many many times in therapies over the years.

PTSD can be a reason why a person does what they do, but PTSD does not make unacceptable behavior acceptable. I have trouble with this when in my life (probably daily, I spend an amount of time sayig: "what would normal people do?") There is no bye for PTSD, just the reason.

I feel so deeply for you there are no words. But I feel you are soooo lucky to have a b4 you, that you may come back over the ensuing years if this was just recent in your life.. like I said to my big sis, we will never know what normal is.

So you may want to discuss this with your therapist, I think my therapist (I don't go right now, haven't felt the need but I would if I felt it) would say boundaries, acceptance, change the environment, which is what some said above, get a new dog trainer, one that allow texting say or total phone ringin. Solutions to the panic, solutions to my anger etc etc etc were helpful from all my therapy, often hard to do.. if you have had hospitilizations and lots of therapy you have heard all the solutions and how to frame and use them, many many times impossible to do at any given moment. I know.

She has her right to demand NO phones, you have the right to walk.

I was diagnosed with PTSD at 27 years old. I’m 43. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD 13 years ago. I have a narcissistic, alcoholic mother. There was never a “before me” per se. But the “before me” that I am talking about is the one before the nervous breakdown that happened after my son’s near death experience. Total.nervous.breakdown. That was the last trauma that completely broke me, before that, I was skating by, dissociating, and somewhat making it work.

This thread has given me a lot to think about. I wasn’t offended by the trainer’s rule. Not offended at all. I understood that she wanted people’s phones off. I just knew it wasn’t compatible for me. The word “intentional” has been used on me in this thread. For me that means “calculating.” That I calculated to turn on my phone and WHEN my son called, I would take it and mess up her class. My son never calls. That’s what made all of this so dramatic. I did intentionally leave my phone on, thinking he would never text or call. I had no anger or ill will.

Why didn’t I talk to the trainer about my issues. Because there is too much stigma against crazy. I don’t tell anyone about my issues. I have told you guys because we aren’t face to face. If we were, you wouldn’t know a thing about my mental health. Do you know how many people have told me about their bipolar loved one who has plotted to kill their uncle? (Just had that conversation with a new hairdresser) That’s one of my diagnoses. If I were to say that to that person, I would then get the side eye... i’m not homicidal but that wouldn’t matter. PTSD kills too. It kills itself and it kills others. I don’t really want to share. When you tell people there are medical issues, sometimes they push. That makes me nervous and my whole body starts to bounce and sometimes, I even dissociate. At that point, I might even reveal info I don’t want to reveal.

In other words, I am afraid to have the conversation because I don’t want to be stigmatized due to my mental illness.

So, what do I do? I’m not angry. I’m not defiant. People just don’t get it.

I’m thinking on how better to function without breaking people’s rules in the name of my issues, but I would like to maintain my privacy in the process.

 

[Tekate]

Brilliant! just brilliant HC.. you are doing well. I think it was great you asked all the knowledgeable people on this board, because there is tons of knowledge INCLUDING you. I have learned from you over the years for sure.

I understand the mom thingy believe me. I understand the absolute panic at not being able to see, hear, feel smell you child! gosh I do..

I had a complete and total psychotic break when I was 18, brought on by my brothers. So I understand the breakdown business also. My sons never had close to death experiences but EVERY DAY OF THEIR LIVES I feel like they will, that is the truth and you totally understand this. I'm many many years after what happened to my brothers, sister and me, but I understand what you feel. My heart to yours. Sometimes I just talk myself off the edge of sanity, my son just drove from Arkansas to DC to Brooklyn, NY and if I tell you that a migraine was the most pleasant sensation I had - you understand. Last night I googled muggings in Brooklyn, deaths in brooklyn, you understand I'm sure.

We have such little time in our lives, so you make the best of it, us broken ones, us patched ones. We make the BEST of good lives.. hard that it is.

Your fear for your son overrode the trainer's request for no interruptions, she's petty in a way. I don't think you did it intentionally, and I'm sorry if I said that in any way.. What I wanted you to know is there are ways around our fears, trauma, drama and pain, and every day is another fear, stress and anger and we just always have to work on it.

You did marvelously HC and the one step forward and 100 back eventually get's you and me to the next step much love to you and I look forward to hearing great stories about your son and your life. You are a very good person.

I have told more about my life on PS than I have EVER told anyone but my husband, and therapists, because there is no judgement per se, there is only people I want to understand me and assist me in jewlery and just about everything since when I joined in 13.. wish I could wave a magic wand for you and take it all away for you.. but you are doing very well. I don't think you have to talk to the trainer about anything HC, that is your PB. You thought about this issue and sought opinions! it's YOUR life. <3

I was diagnosed with PTSD at 27 years old. I’m 43. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD 13 years ago. I have a narcissistic, alcoholic mother. There was never a “before me” per se. But the “before me” that I am talking about is the one before the nervous breakdown that happened after my son’s near death experience. Total.nervous.breakdown. That was the last trauma that completely broke me, before that, I was skating by, dissociating, and somewhat making it work.

This thread has given me a lot to think about. I wasn’t offended by the trainer’s rule. Not offended at all. I understood that she wanted people’s phones off. I just knew it wasn’t compatible for me. The word “intentional” has been used on me in this thread. For me that means “calculating.” That I calculated to turn on my phone and WHEN my son called, I would take it and mess up her class. My son never calls. That’s what made all of this so dramatic. I did intentionally leave my phone on, thinking he would never text or call. I had no anger or ill will.

Why didn’t I talk to the trainer about my issues. Because there is too much stigma against crazy. I don’t tell anyone about my issues. I have told you guys because we aren’t face to face. If we were, you wouldn’t know a thing about my mental health. Do you know how many people have told me about their bipolar loved one who has plotted to kill their uncle? (Just had that conversation with a new hairdresser) That’s one of my diagnoses. If I were to say that to that person, I would then get the side eye... i’m not homicidal but that wouldn’t matter. PTSD kills too. It kills itself and it kills others. I don’t really want to share. When you tell people there are medical issues, sometimes they push. That makes me nervous and my whole body starts to bounce and sometimes, I even dissociate. At that point, I might even reveal info I don’t want to reveal.

In other words, I am afraid to have the conversation because I don’t want to be stigmatized due to my mental illness.

So, what do I do? I’m not angry. I’m not defiant. People just don’t get it.

I’m thinking on how better to function without breaking people’s rules in the name of my issues, but I would like to maintain my privacy in the process.

 

[HappyNewLife]

I wish there was a PM feature on PS.

I think the program that I recently completed would help you. I am in NO way affiliated, it just saved my life. It sounds like to me that you have a limbic system injury, which includes the amygdala that you're already aware of. My limbic system injury stemmed from childhood trauma, but then later in life I got lyme disease and my body (and brain) went haywire. I did 2 years of antibiotics, but every time I got a cold or got stressed, I'd be thrown out of remission and have TERRIBLE anxiety. My MD suggested looking into this program where you rewire the brain. It sounded like voodoo, but I was desperate and looked into it. My wife did it too, who is WAY sicker from lyme (I got it from her - we didn't know that's what she had). In 4 months of doing the program, I'm totally healed (they say to do it 6 months, oops). No more anxiety. No more fight or flight from a dog barking or a thought about one of my kids being injured. No more body pain.

Anyway, here is the website: https://retrainingthebrain.com/

Check out some of the videos. The program is all about raising your mood and feeling the warm and fuzzies for an hour a day by doing these exercises. You can buy the DVDs or go to the seminar. I did both, but I'll say the seminar was LIFE changing.

(I realize this sounds like a weird cult, lol, but just watch the videos.)

If you want to talk more about it, I can set up a loupetroop "ad".

HUGS. I know exactly how you feel and I am telling you that you CAN get past this!

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

This thread was a joy to read. HC, You wanted perspective and I think you got just that. I love how you incorporated what was written and used it to get your bearings. To me, watching how you absorbed these posts shows me you are getting better and better. You have handled putting in place new actions that will bear more fruit in the future for you and your family. And, by the way, I do not blame you one bit for not telling people about your issues. Mental illness is not understood and many people are afraid of it.

I feel whatever you do now, will be fine. You now see all sides.

LOve, Annette