Should I reveal my issues?

[asscherisme]

I am really sorry for your pain. And I 100% get you on the phone thing. I am a single mom with more than once child with special needs. My phone is never off. NEVER.

I understand the instructor didn't want to be bothered by a call. And her annoyance at the policy not being followed is reasonable. But her reaction of rage was over the top.

I do tell me kids to only call if it is an emergency if I am at a place I can't easily answer. And most of the time they stick to that, but teenagers are teenagers and don't always respect that.

I would speak the instructor privately. And hopefully she will get it. If she does not, that says more about her than you. Even without kids, normal rational people would get it. If she still has an issue with your phone being on and you refusing to ignore a call from your child, find a new class. She may be the best in town but I am sure there is someone else nearby that can fulfill what you need and not cause you more trauma.

 

[cmd2014]

Thank you.

I put one more thing into place. Anytime I’m out of the house without my son, I’m having him call me for no reason to try and desensitize my reaction to him calling. Soon we will have him call fewer and fewer times until I’m less reactionary. More small steps.

Fantastic (and hugely difficult)! I really hope it helps settle down the fight or flight that you are experiencing. Every little step adds up into enormous changes over time.

I do want to clarify the use of the word "intentional" though. Intentional simply means that you made a conscious choice. That you considered the options and made a decision. That the act (in your case, leaving your phone on) was not an accident. Not that it was done with malice or ill will or the desire to do hurt anyone or do something wrong. Just that it was not accidental (intentional is the opposite of accidental). I can totally see that if you felt that people were suggesting that your choice was malicious, how hurtful that would be. I don't think that is what anyone was suggesting. But sometimes I think when our anxiety is high, we can justify all sorts of things as being "reasonable" or "the best choice" when they may not be, and it can be really hard to think things through from the other side of the equation (as in "what would a person without anxiety think would be a good idea in this situation?"). That's true for all of us, and not just people with severe anxiety like you. The higher the anxiety, the harder this becomes. I really hope that things are back on track enough to be able to enjoy the new puppy and get her trained.

 

[Calliecake]

Thank you House Cat. The LAST thing I would ever want to do is make something more difficult for anyone. Life isn’t always a picnic and we never truly know what someone else is going thru. There have been many times I have wished I could go have a cup of coffee with you, especially when it seems like you are feeling anxious. Dealing with just anxiety is hard. PTSD is a whole different level. I think unless someone has been in a fight or flight situation they would probably have a very hard time understanding that level of anxiety.

I could not agree more with what @smitcompton and @Tekate said. You are seeing all sides of this situation @House Cat . Be proud of yourself.

@Tekate , I’m sorry for what you have been thru. On a positive note I’m sure it has helped shape you into being the warm compassionate person you are. Reading your above post, I realize how hard the past few weeks must have been for you with Chris moving. If you need to talk you have us here who with try to help you.

 

[House Cat]

I wish there was a PM feature on PS.

I think the program that I recently completed would help you. I am in NO way affiliated, it just saved my life. It sounds like to me that you have a limbic system injury, which includes the amygdala that you're already aware of. My limbic system injury stemmed from childhood trauma, but then later in life I got lyme disease and my body (and brain) went haywire. I did 2 years of antibiotics, but every time I got a cold or got stressed, I'd be thrown out of remission and have TERRIBLE anxiety. My MD suggested looking into this program where you rewire the brain. It sounded like voodoo, but I was desperate and looked into it. My wife did it too, who is WAY sicker from lyme (I got it from her - we didn't know that's what she had). In 4 months of doing the program, I'm totally healed (they say to do it 6 months, oops). No more anxiety. No more fight or flight from a dog barking or a thought about one of my kids being injured. No more body pain.

Anyway, here is the website: https://retrainingthebrain.com/

Check out some of the videos. The program is all about raising your mood and feeling the warm and fuzzies for an hour a day by doing these exercises. You can buy the DVDs or go to the seminar. I did both, but I'll say the seminar was LIFE changing.

(I realize this sounds like a weird cult, lol, but just watch the videos.)

If you want to talk more about it, I can set up a loupetroop "ad".

HUGS. I know exactly how you feel and I am telling you that you CAN get past this!

Thank you. I will look into this. I am definitely intrigued. I am really happy that you found relief from this avenue of healing.

 

[GliderPoss]

I’ve read all the responses and my views on this situation with the dog trainer have already been covered in that regard but I will say as someone who knows a few military people with PTSD; if you are experiencing such debilitating responses after 13 years - it’s clear your current therapist & therapy isn’t working for you. In no way should you experience this trauma on a daily basis to minor things such as a simple phone call... I would look at new options to deal with this.

I hope you find peace.

 

[Tekate]

Thank you Callie.. that was extremely caring and I very much appreciate your words, I know the NIRDI's will help me thru anything. We all stick together.

I just got off the phone with my son, he's happy, going out for pizza! said there was only one new hire besides him.. he's riding the subway like an old hand (missed his stop but walked back).. if one lives in an environment of fear, uncertainty, anger, alcohol, drugs and violence that one (me and my sibs) person becomes unstable (not head wise but life wise).. it's always trying to interpret what a person says, hearing words that hurt that people aren't trying to hurt you with, growing up in a totally crazy unstable nightmare makes a person anxious all the time, or cold like my sister. I am naturally an extrovert so in some ways I had it better than my brothers or sister. it's hard to explain, it's like a child who has to be an adult but the child is always in you acting out because that child was never actually allowed to act like a child because she had to make decisions that kids don't have to make, like is my mom going to kill me? did my father really bring the gun home? silly stuff like that.... it is the old humpty dumpty that cracked by 2 yrs old but put herself back together again the best she could.. I've done well, but I can never ever ever stress enough: a person should find a therapist that they can work with, it makes a world of difference.

(((Callie)))) xoxo

kate

Thank you House Cat. The LAST thing I would ever want to do is make something more difficult for anyone. Life isn’t always a picnic and we never truly know what someone else is going thru. There have been many times I have wished I could go have a cup of coffee with you, especially when it seems like you are feeling anxious. Dealing with just anxiety is hard. PTSD is a whole different level. I think unless someone has been in a fight or flight situation they would probably have a very hard time understanding that level of anxiety.

I could not agree more with what @smitcompton and @Tekate said. You are seeing all sides of this situation @House Cat . Be proud of yourself.

@Tekate , I’m sorry for what you have been thru. On a positive note I’m sure it has helped shape you into being the warm compassionate person you are. Reading your above post, I realize how hard the past few weeks must have been for you with Chris moving. If you need to talk you have us here who with try to help you.

 

[House Cat]

I’ve read all the responses and my views on this situation with the dog trainer have already been covered in that regard but I will say as someone who knows a few military people with PTSD; if you are experiencing such debilitating responses after 13 years - it’s clear your current therapist & therapy isn’t working for you. In no way should you experience this trauma on a daily basis to minor things such as a simple phone call... I would look at new options to deal with this.

I hope you find peace.

I agree. I just changed therapists about a year ago and have actually come leaps and bounds from where I was. Unfortunately, I have other more pressing issues than this symptom. I had a PTSD exacerbation that involved my rape that had me living with constant paranoia and suicidal thoughts. We had to get that under control before we could begin visiting any of this other stuff.

My new therapist has helped me more in one year than my previous therapist did in all the other years combined. I am grateful. With him, I have hope for actually healing this brain injury.

 

[asscherisme]

Housecat, I am glad to hear you are making progress.

 

[sunseeker101]

Hi House Cat. I've had experience with CPTSD myself and can understand the type of responses you're describing.

My thought is that a dog trainer, or anyone who lays down rules for adults and responds as a raving despot when they're broken is not even the type of person you'd want dealing with your children.

There have to be civil and gentle people offering dog-training classes around, though I understand a dog with unusual issues needs expert help. But how good is it for the dog to be helped and you to be needlessly hurt? I say, put you first

Under no circumstances would I explain any complex personal issue to anybody without a known and wise, balanced temperament. Ms Tinpot Dictator can drift into the mystic, and people like her

 

[luv2sparkle]

There are so many of us here who have had to deal with life changing circumstances and events that have wreaked havoc in our lives. Just wanted to give big virtual hugs to all of you amazing people who have persevered and continue.

I am also surprised that so many people think it is ok for anyone to demand that someone not use their phone. Maybe I am rebellious by nature but I just don't think anyone has that 'right'. Oh they can ask, and request that phone be silenced, I get that, but to demand it and go into a rage when they are not obeyed? Phones have allowed us to do things that we might not ordinarily have done. They allow us to stay in contact, when we might have stayed home with someone who needs us. I rebel when I feel someone is making a demand on me that they don't have the right to, otherwise, I would say I am a rule follower in other situations. This trainer just really gets to me. I just don't think she has the right to demand, coupled with anger, that everyone follow this rule to the letter. ok, rant over.

 

[sunseeker101]

Hi again HC. Back again with a few questions.

I’m just wondering, are you concerned at all about your husband’s response to your responses in trying situations? I’m not sure if he was with you in the class, but in any case, it’s impossible for him to judge how ‘appropriate’ your response is, and the exact dimension of the outburst, just on the basis of differing sensitivities and abilities to perceive the feeling states of other people.

The way I look at it is, you have a right to deal with people who wouldn’t have the effect of traumatizing a child with repeated exposure. We all do, and you most especially do.

Whatever your response was, it’s OK for you, and right, and there’s no way to feel or think your way out of your responses, due to limbic system reconditioning (4life gave a great resource above, it looks to be made of believable stuff — will check it out myself).

What I’m meandering my way to saying is, it’s not so much about putting yourself in difficult situations (because life is difficult), and feeling obliged to soldier on, or reveal yourself in a way that could hurt you,

It’s about realizing you deserve to deal with decent people, and building up your armory and positive boundaries to insist on it if at all possible, and to instinctively seek out solutions that suit you. Ex: casually enquire at the outset if there’s any extra special rules that might ‘disrupt’ the lesson, etc. I.e. it doesn’t have to entail revealing any issues, which is a double-edged sword by definition.

Every time a tinpot dictator goes off on an arbitrary rant, it’s further trauma, not just an unpleasant reality, this is what I’m thinking about.

Okay, just a few thoughts. I also want to include Pete Walker’s ‘complex PTSD — from surviving to thriving’ and a book called ‘the body keeps the score’, two books I found useful, and may be of use.

 

[House Cat]

Hi again HC. Back again with a few questions.

I’m just wondering, are you concerned at all about your husband’s response to your responses in trying situations? I’m not sure if he was with you in the class, but in any case, it’s impossible for him to judge how ‘appropriate’ your response is, and the exact dimension of the outburst, just on the basis of differing sensitivities and abilities to perceive the feeling states of other people.

The way I look at it is, you have a right to deal with people who wouldn’t have the effect of traumatizing a child with repeated exposure. We all do, and you most especially do.

Whatever your response was, it’s OK for you, and right, and there’s no way to feel or think your way out of your responses, due to limbic system reconditioning (4life gave a great resource above, it looks to be made of believable stuff — will check it out myself).

What I’m meandering my way to saying is, it’s not so much about putting yourself in difficult situations (because life is difficult), and feeling obliged to soldier on, or reveal yourself in a way that could hurt you,

It’s about realizing you deserve to deal with decent people, and building up your armory and positive boundaries to insist on it if at all possible, and to instinctively seek out solutions that suit you. Ex: casually enquire at the outset if there’s any extra special rules that might ‘disrupt’ the lesson, etc. I.e. it doesn’t have to entail revealing any issues, which is a double-edged sword by definition.

Every time a tinpot dictator goes off on an arbitrary rant, it’s further trauma, not just an unpleasant reality, this is what I’m thinking about.

Okay, just a few thoughts. I also want to include Pete Walker’s ‘complex PTSD — from surviving to thriving’ and a book called ‘the body keeps the score’, two books I found useful, and may be of use.

Thank you.

My husband was there. He’s learning. We have been in couple’s therapy for the past year and the theme has been all about him learning that his wife actually has PTSD. This all came about when I saw my rapist again after 20 years and my whole world turned upside down. Every PTSD symptom I had became acute. We had to get into therapy to save our marriage. He has been a very active participant in therapy and has learned a lot. Now, instead of trying to get me to “act normal,” he is someone who stands beside me for support.

But, I need to deal in reality. If someone is acting normally toward me and I am seeing them as irrational, I want to be told.

I am going to take your post to heart and learn from it. It has been my journey to realize that I deserve to be surrounded by decent people. The first part of that journey is learning what decent people are. Dangerous people feel like home to me. Being mistreated feels about right. As I work in therapy and create a haven of safety in my home, with my family, with my friends, I do begin to find the unsafe behaviors more intolerable. I think that’s where the instincts will begin to come in.

I have both of those books. I think it’s time I read them. Thank you.

 

[AGBF]

It has been my journey to realize that I deserve to be surrounded by decent people. The first part of that journey is learning what decent people are. Dangerous people feel like home to me. Being mistreated feels about right.

Brilliant description there, House Cat, written in gorgeous prose. I have been hanging back in giving my brutally honest opinion in this thread because I felt that enough had been said, but what you wrote above touched me so much that I won't hold back anymore just for the sake of civility on this board.

I really disagreed with the posters who accused you of acting with disrespect towards the dog trainer for not following her "rule". I detested it that some posters attempted to set up a phony false equivalency between your supposed disrespect at failing to follow the dog trainer's general "rule" about phone use (about which you had been told, you naughty child!) and her treating you with extreme, very personalized, discourtesy (to put it mildly).

**edited by moderator, no violence on the board, even implied**


I am very, very glad that you have a good therapist and that you are learning about all facets of reality, those that trigger you when they should not because they are not as threatening as they seem and also those that seem acceptable when they are not. I feel, as I said before, you are brave to go on a journey to accept life on life's terms. You were brave to come and post here and accept all the criticism you did in such a positive way. I would never call carrying a phone "acting with disrespect". You didn't spit in her face for the love of Pete. Hearing that baloney really, really burned me up.

Hugs
(((House Cat)))
Deb

 

[rainydaze]

Thank you.

My husband was there. He’s learning. We have been in couple’s therapy for the past year and the theme has been all about him learning that his wife actually has PTSD. This all came about when I saw my rapist again after 20 years and my whole world turned upside down. Every PTSD symptom I had became acute. We had to get into therapy to save our marriage. He has been a very active participant in therapy and has learned a lot. Now, instead of trying to get me to “act normal,” he is someone who stands beside me for support.

But, I need to deal in reality. If someone is acting normally toward me and I am seeing them as irrational, I want to be told.

I am going to take your post to heart and learn from it. It has been my journey to realize that I deserve to be surrounded by decent people. The first part of that journey is learning what decent people are. Dangerous people feel like home to me. Being mistreated feels about right. As I work in therapy and create a haven of safety in my home, with my family, with my friends, I do begin to find the unsafe behaviors more intolerable. I think that’s where the instincts will begin to come in.

I have both of those books. I think it’s time I read them. Thank you.

House Cat you continue to amaze me, in the very best way. Your posts always touch my heart. Your openness is something I think the world needs more of. It's so heartening to see you approach your struggles in this way. I believe that's one of the keys to healing, and it can go beyond ourselves to the world if more people in this world make it safe to share, to be open. Your intelligence, insightfulness, compassion, maturity, and courageousness in not only hanging on but seeking healing for yourself is a joy to encounter, even if it's only through written words on a jewelry forum. Hugs to you, you really are an incredible person.

 

[marymm]

For those who missed OP's post (on page 2):



While I understand OP's PTSD colored her perception of what the trainer did/said and also colored her initial description here of what she perceived the trainer did and said, in fact OP later posted that her DH (who was present) believed the trainer during the incident to be matter-of-fact. And OP did state she trusts her DH's point of view to be accurate.

Posters in this thread who continue to post as if the trainer was belligerent and tyrannical are reinforcing a false reality rather than addressing what actually occurred.

OP's willingness to reflect and post updated information about the encounter and her reactions and her PTSD is a testament to her desire to understand and to heal; House Cat, I wish you well.

 

[AGBF]

For those who missed OP's post (on page 2):



While I understand OP's PTSD colored her perception of what the trainer did/said and also colored her initial description here of what she perceived the trainer did and said, in fact OP later posted that her DH (who was present) believed the trainer during the incident to be matter-of-fact. And OP did state she trusts her DH's point of view to be accurate.

Posters in this thread who continue to post as if the trainer was belligerent and tyrannical are reinforcing a false reality rather than addressing what actually occurred.

OP's willingness to reflect and post updated information about the encounter and her reactions and her PTSD is a testament to her desire to understand and to heal; House Cat, I wish you well.

While I understand OP's PTSD colored her perception of what the trainer did/said and also colored her initial description here of what she perceived the trainer did and said, in fact OP later posted that her DH (who was present) believed the trainer during the incident to be matter-of-fact.

marymm-

Thank you for pointing out that House Cat's husband did not think the trainer was as angry as House Cat at first believed. I did go back and reread what House Cat said he had told her. That does not change my opinion of how House Cat has been charged with acting "disrespectful", however. Setting up a dog trainer as someone who must be respected regardless of how reasonable her demands are is, in my opinion, the mindset of an authoritarian.

House Cat is an intelligent woman who is quite capable of learning on her own. She does not need to be guided by posters in this thread. Stating that those of us who differ with you are "reinforcing a false reality" for House Cat demeans her. It infantalizes her as well as attempting to stifle discussion.

 

[sunseeker101]

Hello ladies. I’d say, if the trainer’s response or attitudes were civil in totality, House Cat would be unlikely to feel compelled to address her on a personal basis. For the rest, HC could still use some support. If she utterly trusts her husband’s take — he’s the only other party there, and he loves her, so, I’m pretty sure HC can read between the lines of understanding versus communicative intent.

HC, I felt compelled to write what I did in relation to your impulse to explain yourself and look for understanding and maybe accommodation from the trainer. My understanding of that activity is, there are many people out there who like to visit their own unresolved issues on people who are in recovery, and that’s what you’d be announcing when you address someone of questionable temperament directly, strange as it sounds.

If you look at the whole situation, you were massively stressed by Ms Dictator’s 1-way policy. Without that set-up, do you think your flashback would have been so severe?

Scoping out safe people is not a black art, even though it feels like one Stringent in-your-face rules, sarcasm on first contact, this kind of stuff. It’s a list you can hone and perfect, to suit you.

This is the problem with ‘is it me or them’, or ‘how much of it is me and how much them’. It’s an exercise in self-blame about something you can’t adjust by feeling wrong or summoning a will to change.

Loving yourself, accepting that your responses to things come from a place of normality (psychopaths and narcs couldn’t be made to feel like you do: they don’t have enough sensitivity, compassion, or humanity), this is the trick to recovery. It’s how to return to this place, one only in memory now, that’s the complicated trick.

When I first picked up Pete Walker’s book, I couldn’t apply it to myself. I was genuinely unable to see the connection between what was happening and his ideas. Ironically, it took some recovery to get it, and benefit from it.

I think it’s likely you’re at that stage now. From all the things you’ve said, it’s pretty clear that your trajectory is most definitely set for the long enjoyable sail back to trusting your gut, feeling a loving ‘parent’ present in your thought and feeling space, and feeling the peace you worried might be gone forever. I wish you the very best of luck HC.

 

[Calliecake]

@House Cat, Please know many of your comments thru the years have more than likely helped many people. Your strength and honesty is to be admired. Most people have no understanding of what PTSD feels like. If something is said in a thread that isn’t helpful, please just ignore it. What you went thru last year would have turned any woman’s world upside down. If someone tells you it wouldn’t, please know they haven’t been thru what you have.

Thank you @rainydaze for so eloquently putting into words how many of us here feel about House Cat.

You are a strong woman House Cat.

 

[sunseeker101]

Anyway, I’ll take it from the abrupt temperature change in here that there’s something perceived to be off in my query about HC’s husband’s responses.

The question I asked was, ‘are you concerned at all about your husband’s response to your responses’. This is an honest, straight question, and I expected an honest matter-of-fact response.

If someone can declare that they trust their partner 100% to interpret reality for them, my ears prick up. Just on the basis that two possibilities are likely there. The one I’d be concerned about myself is that HC’s husband is narcissistic enough to ‘trap’ her in dismissive and demeaning apparently honest reflection.

The other, is that he’s an honorable man who loves her and puts her best interests front and center.

HC, it wasn’t my intention to put you on the back foot. I’m just a nosy mare who has learnt from experience that when certain troubles are mysteriously persistent, or more persistent than they would otherwise be, there is a finite probability that a close contact who ticks all the right boxes for apparent normality is silently courting trouble, to put it simply

Anyway, that’s why I asked. If there was any concern there, your apparent approach to solving it could change significantly.

Now, hopefully the dramatic pearl-clutching etc. can end

HC, hopefully you can perceive my intent to be positive here.

 

[House Cat]

Anyway, I’ll take it from the abrupt temperature change in here that there’s something perceived to be off in my query about HC’s husband’s responses.

The question I asked was, ‘are you concerned at all about your husband’s response to your responses’. This is an honest, straight question, and I expected an honest matter-of-fact response.

If someone can declare that they trust their partner 100% to interpret reality for them, my ears prick up. Just on the basis that two possibilities are likely there. The one I’d be concerned about myself is that HC’s husband is narcissistic enough to ‘trap’ her in dismissive and demeaning apparently honest reflection.

The other, is that he’s an honorable man who loves her and puts her best interests front and center.

HC, it wasn’t my intention to put you on the back foot. I’m just a nosy mare who has learnt from experience that when certain troubles are mysteriously persistent, or more persistent than they would otherwise be, there is a finite probability that a close contact who ticks all the right boxes for apparent normality is silently courting trouble, to put it simply

Anyway, that’s why I asked. If there was any concern there, your apparent approach to solving it could change significantly.

Now, hopefully the dramatic pearl-clutching etc. can end

HC, hopefully you can perceive my intent to be positive here.

Your responses have been very meaningful to me, so have Deb’s. I’ve been trying to find the right words to give you the responses you deserve.

I appreciate both of you

 

[sunseeker101]

HC, no worries at all. My style of problem-solving is to fling open the doors to all possibilities, and enjoy reducing them to actionable concepts (or that’s my desire anyway).

No matter how many times I set off the fire alarm in here, I can’t stop doing it Apologies ladies, I’ll try to be more transparent with my intents in future. I guess there’s a point where I’ll always want to put up the possibility of narcissism in a close relationship. I think a huge percentage of intimate damage to normal people is created by those with anything between an overgrowth of, to a clinical dimension of narcissism. Maybe I’ll add disclaimers

Anyway, the best of luck HC, and I’m sorry I had to change the direction of the thread myself.

 

[AGBF]

Anyway, I’ll take it from the abrupt temperature change in here that there’s something perceived to be off in my query about HC’s husband’s responses.

Please do not take the blame for the "temperature change", sunseeker. I held back posting what I did yesterday for days because, as I said, I thought that this thread had gone on for quite a while and that so many views had already been aired. I did not want to post only to have a dispute and I knew that if I posted what I did that it would be regarded as hostile to other posters. I thought that everyone on the board had a right to her own view and that I did not have to try to overpower those who felt that House Cat had been disrespectful to the dog trainer.

House Cat's heartfelt posting about how she had lived in a bad situation thinking it was what she deserved changed that for me. I knew when I posted that I would be seen as attacking posters with whom I disagreed. I may be the one who "changed the temperature".

I am sorry it isn't all sweetness and light here, but I am not sorry I posted what I did.

Deb

 

[sunseeker101]

No worries Deb, a few things co-occurred that reduced the temperature, I thought. And anyway, apart from all of us putting up our individual best to support HC, there’s many other unknown people in trouble and with complex issues who might read this thread and take something from it. My effort to clarify things is also for their benefit

 

[cmd2014]

Deb,

I respectfully disagree. I’d say that the vast majority of posters here have labeled the dog trainer as a tyrannical despot who set petty, unreasonable rules and who attacked House Cat. That was understandably House Cat’s perception in the moment. It has not been her husband’s. It doesn’t sound like he is a narcissist or a horrible dismissing husband, and it is not out of the realm of possibility for House Cat’s perception to have been coloured by the lense of her PTSD and the intensity of her emotions in that moment. The fact that she is willing to check in about this is a testament to her grace and strength, her understanding of how CPTSD can alter a person’s perception of things, and how much work she has done in her journey. Learning to know when to trust your instinctive emotional response and when to challenge it and ground back into reality it is the hardest part of living with CPTSD. I didn’t hear her substituting her judgement for her husband’s. I heard her asking a genuine question with openness and strength in the interest of figuring this piece out.

I will also say that in rereading my responses (and given that I am one of 2 or 3 posters who had a different perspective than the majority, my posts are clearly a part of what is being objected to), I can see that my intended tone did not read through. House Cat, my apologies if that was hurtful. It was not intended that way. And I am so sorry about you running into the person who hurt you. Horrifying is too tame a word.

 

[sunseeker101]

Hi cmd. I was prepared to answer any direct queries you had about anything I’ve said. Your post seems to have some technical difficulties in this regard

HC, I’d be interested to see if anything I’ve said (especially the things there seems to be seemingly unrelated consternation about) come to be useful to you as you move through your recovery.

 

[AGBF]

Deb,

I respectfully disagree. I’d say that the vast majority of posters here have labeled the dog trainer as a tyrannical despot who set petty, unreasonable rules and who attacked House Cat. That was understandably House Cat’s perception in the moment. It has not been her husband’s. It doesn’t sound like he is a narcissist or a horrible dismissing husband, and it is not out of the realm of possibility for House Cat’s perception to have been coloured by the lense of her PTSD and the intensity of her emotions in that moment. The fact that she is willing to check in about this is a testament to her grace and strength, her understanding of how CPTSD can alter a person’s perception of things, and how much work she has done in her journey. Learning to know when to trust your instinctive emotional response and when to challenge it and ground back into reality it is the hardest part of living with CPTSD. I didn’t hear her substituting her judgement for her husband’s. I heard her asking a genuine question with openness and strength in the interest of figuring this piece out.

I will also say that in rereading my responses (and given that I am one of 2 or 3 posters who had a different perspective than the majority, my posts are clearly a part of what is being objected to), I can see that my intended tone did not read through. House Cat, my apologies if that was hurtful. It was not intended that way. And I am so sorry about you running into the person who hurt you. Horrifying is too tame a word.

Thank you for your thoughtful response, cmd. I made no comment about House Cat's husband except in response to marymm's posting that he had given House cat his perspective on the discussion between her and the trainer. I thanked her for posting the reference and told her I reread it. I never labelled him a narcissist.

What I said was that I thought whether or not the trainer hissed and whether her being beet red was due to rage at House Cat (House cat's initial reaction due to her PTSD) was irrelevant. Therefore, her husband's opinion was a moot point.

My point is and has been (and I am not sunseeker, who has a slightly different point of view) that I do not like people labeling House Cat's flouting of a dog trainer's rule for the reason she did it as an act of disrespect. In my opinion, respect has to be earned. That does not mean that I endorse House Cat's continued use of phone in the class, but neither does House Cat. She is working on her problems. Infantalizing House Cat by accusing her of "disrespect" is the issue to which I was objecting.

Again, I thank you for being so thoughtful.

Deb/AGBF

 

[House Cat]

@sunseeker101 nothing you’ve said has upset me. Your posts have been tender and thoughtful. They’ve helped me greatly because you bring up things I haven’t considered. Thank you so much for all of your input.

My last therapist was really keen on pointing out narcissism. She had kind of a problem with it. Everyone in my life was a N. My friends, family, acquaintances....all had NPD. This should have been a warning sign to leave her, it wasn’t. She was on a kick. She must have been learning about N’s and must have been seeing them everywhere. When she began to learn about another disorder, she tried to diagnose me with it. That’s when I left her. I confirmed with several professionals to make sure I didn’t have it. I tell you all of this because when she said my husband was NPD...I took it to heart and began to distrust him greatly. It took two other therapists and two psychiatrists to confirm that he wasn’t. That original therapist did a lot of damage.

I look to my husband for help. We have established this in our couple’s therapy. There are times when I can misinterpret situations because I’m in the middle of an episode. I don’t have the greatest of descriptions and I don’t mean war heroes any disrespect, but much like their episodes make them feel like they are back at war, my episodes make me feel like I’m back in a place where people mean me harm...where they are dangerous. When I was young, i was certain my mother would kill me. Sometimes, people feel that way to me again when I’m in the middle of an episode. I have to be able to ask someone if what I am seeing is real. My husband is all I have. I trust him.

When he says the trainer was matter of fact but I saw her as dangerous and I know I was in the middle of an episode, logic tells me I misinterpreted her reaction. I am embarrassed that I told everyone here that she was pissed. It has caused a lot of confusion. I’m sorry.

@AGBF thank you for your advocacy and validation. I was really touched by your post. It helps a lot to hear opinions like yours because I put them in my heart and feel that someday, I might stick up for myself in a situation like this.

@cmd2014 thank you for taking the time to post. Everything you said was very kind. I really appreciate it.

 

[sunseeker101]

Hi HC, thanks for that — I can’t believe a therapist would suffer from narc tunnel vision like that, maybe she was struggling with her own narcissist nightmare, or was one?! Just unbelievable — and I understand why my mention looked very dodgy.

To have an honorable, loving partner that you can trust to sing back the notes of your happiest self to you when you’ve forgotten them, is a treasure beyond words. Enjoy the recovery trip, lovely lady.

 

[Scandinavian]

House Cat, I just read this. I understand better now about you worrying about your puppy. Please believe me when I tell you that she has such kind eyes and everything will be OK! Also, I like to break rules - but I tend to ask first. If I have to have my phone with me because my children are home alone, I will say so before a meeting starts. Perhaps that could be a way forward for you? To plan really well and also to tell your son that please do not call whilst I'm at this-and-that unless it is important? Just send a text and you will answer? Or call his dad? And "I'm really sorry" normally works wonders. I have no knowledge of this, only of dogs.. sorry. But I really hurt for you and wish you nothing but the best. Tons of hugs.