Should I ask him to spend more? And how???

[decodelighted]

For reference .. it''s a 1.274 AGS cert "G" Vs2 ACA (A Cut Above -- the "super ideal" Hearts & Arrows cut branded by Whiteflash)

 

[lojack_ii]

You''re as superficial as they come in my opinion. I assumed you wanted honest opinions, if not, sorry.

Can''t you be satisfied with what your partner feels comfortable paying for? How does your mother''s jewelry collection, his mother''s feelings about jewelry, what your father bought 30 years ago, and every other piece of incosequential tidbit you brought up have anything to do with the two of you? If you love him enough to put up with a "measily" $6,000, then say yes and move on.

Is having a "Tiffany" ring or whatever you want really worth all of this? He can spend what he is planning to spend and get a ring that is probably bigger and just as nice anyway.

 

[lojack_ii]

Date: 11/14/2006 9:22:08 AM
Author: winternight
We''re both attorneys and both make in the low six figures, him more than me. He has almost no debt (student loans) and pretty substantial savings. I have more loans and less savings. I could offer to double the budget by paying half but that would bother me and I know it would bother him. I guess I was thinking his budget was at least $10,000 - bad to assume I suppose. We will be buying a house next year but $5,000 one way or another will have very little impact (DC housing prices). Many of our friends aren''t much into jewelry but I am and I just don''t think a $10,000 budget is unreasonable given both our incomes and considering future incomes. I don''t want to say he''s being cheap - because he isn''t a cheap guy, its just that his family isn''t into jewelry and we make more money than them so I think he has a different baseline for his expectations. (And if I sound expensive, I might be but I''m also making good money that I''ll be bringing in).


The problem with the flower ring is I love it, but honestly I don''t know if I''d want to wear it every single day. In my field the more conservative, simple ring might be better. I''m really concerned that it would be a once a week kind of ring. The other problem is he told me his budget after we started looking, I asked but he was like ''don''t worry about it'' when he saw the 13k price tag in the store - afterwards he told me that he was thinking 5-6k. I wish I had never put that solitare on!


Oh and my mom had a simple solitare with a thick platinum band it was so chic (unfortunately they were both stolen) so I think that is influencing me.


I understand that I could look around but I''ve already been to one jewelry who didn''t quote me that much lower for a VS1 (I think) with a great color rating. I''m more conflicted about whether to take a smaller solitare or the flower ring from Tiffany or just keep looking - which I''ll do this weekend. I know people here aren''t the biggest Tiffany fans and I admit this is a little emotional but hey at least I''m not in love with Cartier. I''ll keep reading and try and learn more about cut.

Buy your own ring then. You are so spoiled it is nausiating.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

A few more (just a little over a carat but under $10,000):

http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/2598/

http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/957/

http://www.goodoldgold.com/diamond/1937/

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 11/14/2006 7:50:38 PM
Author: lojack_ii
Is having a ''Tiffany'' ring or whatever you want really worth all of this?

Her future FIANCE is the one who wants to buy from Tiffany ... and, it''s pretty ironic & hyporcritical for you to name-call & insult someone for wanting a 1 ct ring when you yourself purchased a ONE CARAT STONE TODAY!

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 11/14/2006 7:55:08 PM
Author: lojack_ii


Buy your own ring then. You are so spoiled it is nausiating.

lojack, a ring for a woman is a gift but is also something she has to wear and look at for the rest of her life. I don't see how see is being unreasonable or spoiled. she's not asking for a 2 carat 20k ring. they both make good money and she would like at least a carat which is reasonable. He's the one who wants to buy at Tiffany's b/c he likes it. she can find what she wants within his budget by not paying the Tiffany markup if he's ok with that, otherwise if he's stuck on tiff's she'd like him to up the budget for her ring.

If I wear buying a car for my hubby, I'd want to buy him want he wanted. If it meant increasing the original amount I was going to spend b/c I don't know a lot about cars and found out the one he really wants is more, if I could afford it I'd do it b/c I love him and want him to be happy. Don't know why her knowing what she wants makes her spoiled or unreasonable.

Winternight, you've gotten some great advice. You know your man, if you must stay in budget tell him you'd rather have a nonbranded ring b/c you can get a larger stone which is something that is important to you.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 11/14/2006 7:55:08 PM
Author: lojack_ii


Buy your own ring then. You are so spoiled it is nausiating.

Rude people don''t stay around here very long.

 

[ladykemma]

lojack, they both earn in the six figures. 5000 is almost embarrassing cheap.

 

[Gypsy]

Well. Okay. I can understand your background, your family and your expectations. To illustrate: I'm an attorney too (went to school in the DC area no less!), my family is into jewelry, into 'labels' and into things that 'show' wealth. So are all my friends from lawschool.

Here's the thing. Family expectations, friends expectations... those are hard to deal with sometimes... especially if its tied to 'man/love value'... and what I mean by that is... sometimes there is a trend among some people who are focused on material things to correlate how much a man values his woman, and how valuable he is as a mate by the size of the ring he buys her. Or the brand. Or both.

I have a 1 carat solitare. And yes... the Lucida was my first choice. So was that shiny new Volvo I saw at the beginning of the year... just before I bought my Camry. Or the Channel bag I wanted when I bought my Dooney.

The point I'm making is... life is about compromise. REAL LIFE. The kind that starts with "I do" and ends with "till death do us part"... and this is something you might have to compromise on.

I wouldn't feel comfortable asking him outright to up the budget... I would take him to Tiffany's and show him the two rings... and mention that a solitare might be more practical. But if he doesn't respond to that...

Then it's time to choose: one carat or Tiffany name?I'd ask him to compromise on the Tiffany aspect of it, honestly... since what you want is a 1 carat and what he wants is a 7000 dollar Tiffany ring... something's got to give. And for me... it would be the Tiffany part of things. I knew Tiffany's Lucida wasn't in our budget at 1 carat... but I wanted a GREAT cut 1 carat stone. And I got one. For 40% less than Tiffany's Lucida would have cost us. AND my 1 carat is an F VS1 which I can tell you wasn't happening at Tiffany.

You have to bring your baseline's in line with one another... have open dialogue about what's important to you... and also respect the other person's comfort zone. But ultimately, the ring is a gift and promise. It should be viewed in that light.

I have seen, in person an ACA H&A in an Superbcert Tiffany replica. It was STUNNING. And honestly... it was brighter than some tiffany solitare's I've seen that my friend's have.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 11/14/2006 8:15:18 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 11/14/2006 7:55:08 PM
Author: lojack_ii


Buy your own ring then. You are so spoiled it is nausiating.

Rude people don''t stay around here very long.

True that!!!

 

[winternight]

Date: 11/14/2006 7:39:41 PM
Author: decodelighted
For reference .. it''s a 1.274 AGS cert ''G'' Vs2 ACA (A Cut Above -- the ''super ideal'' Hearts & Arrows cut branded by Whiteflash)

That ring is amazing. Wow.

 

[winternight]

Date: 11/14/2006 8:05:04 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 11/14/2006 7:50:38 PM
Author: lojack_ii
Is having a ''Tiffany'' ring or whatever you want really worth all of this?

Her future FIANCE is the one who wants to buy from Tiffany ... and, it''s pretty ironic & hyporcritical for you to name-call & insult someone for wanting a 1 ct ring when you yourself purchased a ONE CARAT STONE TODAY!

LMAO.

 

[ladykemma]

edited for clarity -- i agree, that ring IS amazing.

1.25ish is a great size (it's the size of my center stone in the avatar). did you look at the one I posted?

 

[winternight]

Date: 11/14/2006 7:55:08 PM
Author: lojack_ii


Buy your own ring then. You are so spoiled it is nausiating.

I am really spoiled and I love it. Really, you should see my closet, hahaha.

 

[winternight]

^^^
I love the ring in your avatar its gorgous! Very sparkely.

Didn''t you also post that you had found some buys on Ebay? I LOVE Ebay. I got my mom a pair of gold Tiffany earrings this year for about 40% off (thus making them less ridiculously over-priced). I''ve also gotten some great purses and accessories, beddings, all kinds of stuff really but those earrings where the first piece of jewelry that I bought from there. It takes some research and lots of careful bidding in general.

I''m going to read up and check out everyone''s recommendations. I''ll show my fiance some rings and we can talk about it. We''re going to look at rings this weekend anyway.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, I know that 5-6000 is alot of money, but it also depends on where you''re coming from.

 

[ladykemma]

Date: 11/14/2006 9:01:24 PM
Author: winternight
^^^
I love the ring in your avatar its gorgous! Very sparkely.

Didn't you also post that you had found some buys on Ebay? I LOVE Ebay. I got my mom a pair of gold Tiffany earrings this year for about 40% off (thus making them less ridiculously over-priced). I've also gotten some great purses and accessories, beddings, all kinds of stuff really but those earrings where the first piece of jewelry that I bought from there. It takes some research and lots of careful bidding in general.

I'm going to read up and check out everyone's recommendations. I'll show my fiance some rings and we can talk about it. We're going to look at rings this weekend anyway.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, I know that 5-6000 is alot of money, but it also depends on where you're coming from.

i'm a pawn shop junkie. i found that 1.25 carat pear for $2000 in a pawn shop.

i have some things from ebay but not more than 200 bucks -- too risky.

 

[ladykemma]

look at this
https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/my-tiffany-co-ring.53430/

great size, enough to make eyes pop, will be satisfied with it, stunning, classic.

 

[momof3]

I don''t think you are being selfish either - especially because he CAN afford it! if he couldn''t then it would be a totally different story. i totally think family background/tradition plays a big role.

In my family my brother in law spent about $12,000 because his dad is a big spender and sent him to a diamond broker that he knew and my brother in law made about half what my husband made at the time.

But my husband ended up buying a $4000 ring - for a few reasons. He comes from a poor background and is the only one in his family and friends w/ a decent income (6 figs too). Nobody he knows knows anything about buying jewelry and the jeweler he went to just showed him something big and didn''t share anything about quality or anything! that''s how i got my j color,si1, 1.14 carat stone that is being replaced =D...and I absolutely LOVE jewelry, i make my own and value quality...he likes size (go figure). at the time i was younger and was ok with it, but next to my sisters it was very yellow...and if you''re around other lawyers w/ good rings, it will bug you!

It will continue to bother you - how you share your feelings is another story. does he have a male friend who already went thru this w/ his fiance/wife and ended up w/ a good ring?

For us, it was in part because he saw what my sister got that he was like whoa? and because we''re more settled in that he wanted to go back and *upgrade!

One thing i would do is make sure he does the research in terms of quality - cut and color are important to me, and then he can re-evaluate his budget - don''t take him to any jewelers that will plop out a 1 carat dud and he wouldn''t know the diff like my poor hubby. At least by taking him to tiffany''s first he will be pleased w/ the other non-tiffany jeweler''s prices!

from my experience, it seems like the jewelers follow your lead - if you go in and know a lot about cut, quality etc, they share more information, if you don''t they just sit there and show you a bunch of diamonds and usually emphasize size.

only reason to go to the jeweler is to see the style of ring you like, see the sizes in person, then you can buy online for the cost-savings.

good luck!

 

[momof3]

be careful about diamonds on ebay - a lot of them are fracture filled - diamonds other jewelers reject and are "fixed" via various techniques - to become higher grade - but can be damaged later - ie crack!

i went down that road already, thought i''d save you the journey.

 

[gailrmv]

I have not read the whole thread so apologies if any of this is a repeat.
I would just go shopping with him, take a RELAXED approach, and see what you both like. Perhaps you can find something that you both like and he will be comfortable with the price. He might have set his budget arbitrarily and may be flexible when you shop together.

 

[Mara]

Date: 11/14/2006 8:30:19 PM
Author: ladykemma
lojack, they both earn in the six figures. 5000 is almost embarrassing cheap.

okay this comment was so random i just had to respond. since when is $5k ''embarassing cheap''. who cares what they make? some people just do not want to spend their $$ on diamonds. i am not one of them but there are plenty of them out there who have other priorities and that shouldn''t be wrong. your comment implies if you both make $100k+ that you MUST have a diamond over $5k or else you are either embarassing or cheap or worse, BOTH. totally ridiculous in my opinion.

and quite honestly, comments like THIS is probably why winternight feels like she has to have a branded ring or a more expensive ring, because obviously there are people who will look at that ring and think that he cheaped out.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/14/2006 8:30:19 PM
Author: ladykemma
lojack, they both earn in the six figures. 5000 is almost embarrassing cheap.

Like Mara, I find this to be an alarmingly ridiculous assertion.

Most of the time you''re right on, LK, but on this one, gotta disagree.

How much a person makes is only part of any equation, and not even a significant part at that. Too many folks have been buying into the "size equals how much he loves you" notion. Ridiculous. DeBeers certainly has done its job well, hasn''t it?

If I won a lottery, I could afford to buy a mansion. I could likely afford to buy a ridiculous expensive car, too. Should I then feel OBLIGATED to buy a mansion or an outrageously overpriced car if don''t value them? No.

My husband makes really good money.....and so do I. By your parameters, our purchase would be considered cheap. But you know what? Both my husband and I have each been in tight financial circumstances in our "salad" days (before we knew each other), and we''re both ultra conservative about how we spend money.

When we shopped for my ring, he offered a budget he was comfortable with. By standards noted here, some may have called him cheap. On the flip side, my husband had NEVER spent that amount of money on a single thing in his life before.....not even for his home computers (and my hubby is a computer geek!). His computers are part of his LIVELIHOOD.....more of a necessity than a luxury, to be sure. So, the idea of spending an excessive amount on a non-essential, non-necessity item was a stretch for him.

Does it mean he didn''t love me? NO. Does it mean he tried to "cheap out"? NO. Does it mean he didn''t care about my happiness? Absolutely not. He allotted a sum that was well above any other single purchase he''d ever made for himself, and yet would be considered quite modest by some here, and likely be called "cheap" by others.

When I shopped, I found something that was more than our budget, and I had a candid conversation with him saying that I found something that would be my nirvana....that I''d never want to upgrade, and that I was willing to chip in for it.

My husband has been MORE than generous with many things over the years. We both would rather save and get what we want the first time, but then again, we need a place to sit or transportation. His feelings about jewelry had NO connotation to how he loved me. He doesn''t see the logic in spending ridiculous sums of money for something non-essential. I can absolutely agree with that logic. I can''t see the sense in spending a TON of money on a handbag, and yet I know that others feel very comfortable doing it.

One person''s *values* and what they feel is reasonable isn''t dictated by one''s salary alone. Now, if Winter''s BF had no problem dropping thousands on vacations and thousands on his own toys, then yeah, I''d agree with your sentiment. But, that''s not been established.

The notion that outsiders can decide what HE can afford or should be able to afford based solely on his salary is just outlandish and short-sighted.

 

[aljdewey]

Winter......my suggestion to you:

Talk to your FI. Explain that you''re happy to be his FI, and that the ring doesn''t equate to sentiment.

That said, tell him that the ring is important to you, and that you really want X size. Tell him you want to be sensitive to his budget and to your wants, and that will involve compromise. There are 3 elements at play here: Your desired size, his budget, and the Tiffany''s piece.

1. You can satisfy two of three elements (your size, his budget) by bagging Tiffany''s and going with a PS vendor. (Best option in my opinion)
2. You can satisfy two of three elements (going to Tiffany''s, his budget) if you compromise your size .....but you''re the one who has to wear it, and if he won''t feel comfortable with an upgrade down the line, not the best choice.
3. You can satisfy two of three elements (your size, Tiffany''s purchase) if he''s willing to up the budget.
4. The only way to satisfy all three elements (your size, Tiffany''s purchase, his budget) is if he''s willing to let you chip in.

Help make him part of the decision, and I''m sure you can work something out.

I''d honestly leave out all the "qualifiers" about what your dad spent, how your mom feels about jewelry, what other people will think, etc. This isn''t about them, it''s about you. You shouldn''t have to use examples of others'' actions to justify your wants, and I think it will harm you more than help you.

Focus on the real issues at hand:

I love you
I want to be sensitive to your feelings and your budget
I want to also consider how important this piece of jewelry is to me
I want to be sensitive to my feelings and wants in this decision, too.

............and talk it out. This is what marriage is about. It won''t be the first time you see things differently, and no time like the present to start practicing good communication and compromise. Consider it a plea bargain. LOL

Good luck.

 

[diamondfan]

I think she and her guy know the utmost about what is really comfortable. that said, I in no way advocate that the larger or pricier the ring the more the love felt by the giver. If this were a case of champagne taste on a beer budget I would be concerned. If her guy is picking a number without having really sat down with her, then I agree that they should re visit things. And I am not pushing for Tiffany''s by any means. Maybe, if he saw that for a bit more she could have her dream ring and he truly can part with the money, than I say, more power. If not, than she either needs to accept less and maybe upgrade later, or forgo Tiffany''s and search a bit more...

 

[nespa]

i figured i''d chime in -- your preference is your preference. if you were being honest when you said you''d consider a ceremony a little less grand for sake of getting a bigger ring then... well, that''s really just a matter of choice. it doesn''t make you money-hungry or unromantic or whatever; some people have different preferences & personally i think it''s no big deal (from a guy''s point a view, anyway).

maybe you could drop a hint when you''re talking about your wedding or something. similar to what you said: "i was thinking about the ceremony & you know, i''d rather go for a great ring & a [great set of golf clubs, etc.]." if you could find something & say it tactfully it could work well.

tread cautiously though - you don''t want to offend him, his budget or choice.

ring-wise, i say go for what you want. i bought a tiffany''s ring but only because she really wanted tiffany''s. i did some research & getting a similar setting + stone wound up being approx. 10 - 15% less; not nearly as bad as what i thought it would be (truthfully i figured it would be twice the price). anyway, that''s my situation though - you may be able to find someone who can recreate exactly what you want & you get a great deal; i say it''s worth the time to find out.

most importantly, if it''s really important to you, you need to find a way to discuss it with him (again, tactfully). it''s good to start a lifelong commitment to one another where *both* parties can discuss their wants & needs - even if it''s difficult to broach the subject.

good luck!

 

[diamondfan]

ETA: If this is your priority, I really would rather spend a bit less here and there on the party, which is one night, and put it in my ring, which would be forever or close to it!

 

[jayreneepea]

When did this 1ct Tiffany solitaire become her "dream ring"? This is what she said in her other thread about the Tiffany flower ring;

"Ok, please go easy on me, I''m new. I tried on a couple of engagement rings at Tiffany''s, including a 1 ct. round cut solitare, but this ring was my favorite. It just sparkles like crazy and I just love the look of it. Is this a crazy choice for an engagement ring? Also are pave cut diamonds harder to set? Do VS diamonds sparkle more? I''m just wondering about the price.
I also thought the 1 ct. solitare was gorgous but somehow wasn''t as sparkley to me. Plus the 1 ct. may be a bit out of my fiance''s price range."

She also stated that it would be "easier" to buy a Tiffany because of it''s supposed good cut. I''m all for a girl getting her dream ring, but I can''t see doubling a budget or asking for more money for something that is being bought out of convenience.

 

[Mara]

it''s definitely about priorities...and i personally dont think one person''s priorities on how they spend their disposable income is ''right'' or ''wrong. it''s a priority or it''s not. it''s what matters to you.

winternight, i find that when i communicate up front with my husband about things, and tell him WHY something means a lot to me...is very indulgent as long as we can afford it. so anyway, i would totally recommend sitting down with him and saying ''this is what i want but it''s XYZ and i''m worried because your budget is less yet you told me not to worry about it. can we talk about what you might be thinking in terms of budget and the ring i want?''

and go from there. maybe he really does have an open mind and you just have to ask. you don''t know til you ask. and lots of wine is good too.

 

[winternight]

^^^^
My fiance is interested in the traditional ceremony/party, not me. I''ve even brought up eloping. I''m more interesting in our honeymoon and my ring - he''s pretty interested in the honeymoon as well but would like a more traditional wedding.

I read your post about Tiffany & Co. prices in your ring shopping, more details!

I think its amazing you looked for a year, actually if I take my fiance shopping for a weekend or two he''ll probably up his budget just to be able to stop looking - he hates it and is more than willing to pay for convienance.

 

[winternight]

Date: 11/14/2006 11:19:49 PM
Author: Mara
it''s definitely about priorities...and i personally dont think one person''s priorities on how they spend their disposable income is ''right'' or ''wrong. it''s a priority or it''s not. it''s what matters to you.

winternight, i find that when i communicate up front with my husband about things, and tell him WHY something means a lot to me...is very indulgent as long as we can afford it. so anyway, i would totally recommend sitting down with him and saying ''this is what i want but it''s XYZ and i''m worried because your budget is less yet you told me not to worry about it. can we talk about what you might be thinking in terms of budget and the ring i want?''

and go from there. maybe he really does have an open mind and you just have to ask. you don''t know til you ask. and lots of wine is good too.

I''m going to work on that too - first I''ll drag him shopping this weekend, in his case that will work as good as wine. My fiance has also gotten used to my spending on certain things and I think he likes it when we''re out and people fuss over what I''m wearing and compliment it - part of that is why he wants to go to Tiffany & Co. We''re already planning on having a joint account, as well as two separate accounts, so that we can continue to have our own money as well as money for the household.

Besides I''m so confused now, there are sooo many choices and its daunting to buy something that you wear every day and that costs so much - I switch up my jewelry quite a bit now. I''m going to browse around some of the rings on here for a start and in some stores this weekend.