Ring still in layaway...

[Miss B]

Hi everyone! I’m new here and really need some support. My boyfriend and I went engagement ring shopping in October and we found the perfect ring. He put it in layaway on Halloween 2018.

The ring is still in layaway and because I’ve been looking up rings for him, elopement packages, etc he has told me to “slow down.”

He put an e-ring on layaway and I need to slow down?! We co-own a car and have been living together since July. We are about to have a joint bank account. So it’s very serious.

I’m really disheartened right now, feeling that if I don’t get a proposal soon I may want to leave him. He’s been married before and got burned pretty badly, but I have never been married and can’t help that I’m excited and anxious for this to happen. It makes me feel like he’s getting cold feet. His last girlfriend he was with for 9 years and never married her. I don’t want to end up in her shoes.

Am I being unreasonable?

 

[JPie]

What were the terms of the layaway? Generally, payment is due monthly and split into 3-4 payments. If he made an initial deposit on 10/31, the next payments would probably be due on 11/30, 12/31, 1/31, and maybe 2/28. That means the earliest you could expect a proposal is 1/31.

 

[AmethystHope]

Sending you support - sounds like you need a virtual hug. Relationships have many variables.

JPie has great insight into layaway terms.

As for being unreasonable, my advice (free and uneducated) would be to stop comparing your relationship to the one he had previously. Stay present in the one that you share together and make all efforts to ensure that you are communicating effectively. Check yourself to make sure that you truly want a lifetime partnership with him. Check in on him for the same.

Sometimes people aren’t interested in the ceremonial traditions that are associated with weddings. My husband wasn’t. We were together for 10 years before I gave up on waiting for a “proposal”. When I finally told him how much the marriage piece meant to me, he was on board. (Lesson: never assume - he wasn’t against marriage, he just wasn’t into the proposal, big wedding, etc.) We got married in our living room a couple months after on New Year’s Eve, just us, the officiant, her husband and our 2 witnesses (oh, and 2 dogs and 1 cat - hehe). Five years on, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Plus I picked both our rings! - And he’s the biggest fan of our little wedding.

Slow down doesn’t necessarily mean stop, it might just mean he needs to check in with you. Provide the platform to listen.

All the best to you!

 

[OoohShiny]

Getting married and having a dream wedding seems to be very much a 'female thing', speaking from my male point of view and with experience of fellow chaps' outlooks on life - society seems to impose on girls this Cinderella idea of being swept off their feet by a swoon-worthy, tall, chiseled hunk and being his princess. Many men-folk (sadly) seem to be brought up instead with this idea that they should be sleeping around and adding notches to their bedposts to be 'a man', with no discussion about the whole creating a partnership thing, so the two upbringings seem to be diametrically opposed.

In reality a good marriage is about finding a best friend that you can talk to about absolutely anything, someone who will have your back through thick and thin, someone who will be by your side and holding your hand, but this never seems to be taught at any stage of education, and the 'celebrity' lifestyle of getting married then getting divorced two years later hardly creates a positive image or learning tool.


Personally speaking, I was not fussed by marriage, I never thought it would happen, but my other half basically laid it on the line after about eight years and said she didn't want to wait around forever. (She also counts the four years before we got together on top of that, although I call that stalking lol.) I somewhat reluctantly came round to the idea - I like to keep my options open in life because I worry I will miss out on things if I choose one particular option, be it not committing to buying a specific new TV till I absolutely have to and have done a load of research, not getting tied into a 2-year mobile phone contract, not deciding on the material for a wedding suit until the last possible moment... so the idea of committing to one guaranteed path for the rest of my life was scary.

Having done it, I'm very glad I did. It is a nice feeling to know that you are both looking out for each other and are 'in it together' as a strong partnership


Perhaps, like me, your boyfriend doesn't want to rush things or feel pressured into doing things. Perhaps he wants to savour the steps towards the big day rather than rush through everything now. Perhaps he is worried that getting married again risks a relationship breaking down again - it happened once, so perhaps his logic is that by not getting married or delaying it as long as possible, it can't happen again?

How old are you both? If he was married before his last relationship and that relationship was 9 years, was he married very young?

Do you feel the added pressure of your bodyclock ticking loudly? (My good lady has basically always wanted children and is constantly worried that she will not be able to because she is older now than she used to be.) If you have not talked about children, you need to do it now - because if you want them and he doesn't, it may be that he will never change his viewpoint and you will have wasted time seeing if he will come round. Me? I am coming round to the idea, which I never thought I would.

It does seem like you both need to sit down and have a serious discussion about what you both want out of the relationship, to make sure you are both on the same page - and if you're not, a decision needs to be made.

Both men and women can change their point of view with life experiences (such as I like being married whereas before it scared me, and kids are a possibility now) but if he definitely doesn't want certain things you do, perhaps it's not meant to be.


Anyway, I am some random on an anonymous internet forum pontificating over details of your relationship I know nothing about, so my opinions should be accorded an appropriate amount of weight - communication is the key thing you both need to focus on, to understand what each other are thinking and why, as already mentioned by other posters. I am hopeful that if you both understand what each other are thinking and why, it will make your relationship stronger

 

[Miss B]

Thank you so much for all the replies. They have helped me a lot. I am 35 and he is 37. So we are not getting any younger...Between us we have 3 children from previous relationships. I feel very “illegitimate” co-habiting like this without even a ring. OohShiny, I’ve had my tubes tied so no more children for us- we neither one want anymore. So that’s not an issue.

Also, the terms of the layaway are exactly as you stated Jpie. The reason it bothers me so much is that I know he has the money to afford the ring (we picked out a very modest ring at a pawn shop that specializes in jewelry). So I don’t think it makes sense to wait that long to get it out. I thought maybe he just wanted there to be some element of surprise. But I’m afraid if I don’t get this ring soon I’m going to start feeling resentful. Also, I’m willing to elope because he has already been through the big wedding thing even though I may have wanted a more traditional wedding...

I’m wondering if I’m putting too much emphasis on the ring aspect - but to me it symbolizes a LOT and I want to feel like our relationship is legit if that makes sense.

I guess I’m really embarrassed right now after being told to “slow down”...

 

[OoohShiny]

It may be that he has his money in high(ish, in this current financial climate... lol) interest accounts and figures he'd rather get the extra interest by keeping it longer while paying 0% extra for layaway - in which case, he is a sensible man

It may just be that he doesn't like feeling rushed, even if from your own perspective it is not rushing but a natural step at an appropriate point in the relationship - personally speaking, I hate feeling rushed into things, especially when I'd rather 'do it right' and the way I wanted to do it. Perhaps he has an idea of how he wants to propose and is currently researching/arranging behind the scenes? My good lady nagged and nagged me, to the point that having already got the ring ready to go a few months before I planned to do it, I very nearly threw it at her during one of her moans and said "here's your ******* ring, now shut up about it"... but fortunately I didn't. The moment would not have been a great memory if it was given in resentment, and you can't have that moment again

You could contact his ex and open that Pandora's Box, to ask if he is repeating behaviour patterns, but if you do that, you must be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear and potentially also risk upsetting him.


Ultimately, I and others can only guess as to his motivations - you must both sit down and talk about things. You need to make clear that you are excited to be married and make a life with him, hence your eagerness, but that you need to know he definitely wants to do it, be it now or in a little while. You could even say that you really want to marry him within a year, to set out the timescales you are happy to work to, but that does risk adding pressure he might not want.


It's not an easy situation, for sure, but communication is the only way you will both get through this. I wish you luck and wish you well!

 

[Bron357]

Breathe.
The ring was only selected and put on layaway a few weeks ago.
My experience is that men don’t seem to understand this whole ring thing.
From his perspective “we are together, we love each other, we have selected a ring, it will happen - so what’s your issue?”
You want that ring on your finger NOW because you have a different association with it. To you and more importantly it shows to “others” that there is a concrete commitment.
That ring on your left hand symbolizes “I’m getting married”..
However, please, give him some time. Perhaps he is planning a special moment or event to propose to you with the ring. It’s only been a few weeks, I know women who were “left hanging” for months, one almost a year before the moment eventuated.
So keep calm, sit sight and wait until after the New Year before broaching the subject again.
Come here and vent and gnash your teeth, but give him at least a month or two.

 

[lyra]

I feel like you need to communicate with him about your feelings, without expectation that it will change his timeline. I think you are in a better position thus far, than his previous girlfriend who waited 9 years for nothing.

I had a boyfriend once who told me a few times, "The ring's not on my finger yet!". We've been married for 35 years now.

 

[JPie]

Also, the terms of the layaway are exactly as you stated Jpie. The reason it bothers me so much is that I know he has the money to afford the ring (we picked out a very modest ring at a pawn shop that specializes in jewelry). So I don’t think it makes sense to wait that long to get it out. I thought maybe he just wanted there to be some element of surprise. But I’m afraid if I don’t get this ring soon I’m going to start feeling resentful. Also, I’m willing to elope because he has already been through the big wedding thing even though I may have wanted a more traditional wedding...

To give you another perspective, I've taken advantage of layaway despite having the funds to pay in full up front. It takes some of the sting out of seeing your fun budget dwindle before your eyes. I don't know if that's his reason for it as well, but it's a possibility.

I agree with lyra about telling him how you feel.

 

[MarionC]

I know someone who has been waiting since summer when her ring was made and wonders if her fiance thinks he is supposed to put the ring on her finger at their wedding in three months.
In my case, my husband didn’t get that I needed an engagement ring. I had to take him in the store and show it to him and ask him to buy it. Lol Sometimes they just don’t think the way we do.

 

[rockhoundofficiando]

Leaving the ring in lawaway given that he has the funds, along with his admonishment to "slow down" would make me rethink things as well. You are obviously happy and eager to marry him, does he not feel the same? Is he still hoping/desiring to keep his "options open" as oohshiney above said? This show of reluctance on his part would give me significant pause. I would cease all planning, hold off on a joint account, and consider my options, especially as you have multiple children involved.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Maybe since he has had a bad experience before he is getting a little gun shy. My DH proposed 6 months into our relationship but we were engaged for five years (we were okay with it but it made everyone else crazy lol). So maybe he would be a little quicker to propose if he thought you might be willing to have a little longer engagement, not five years but perhaps he is feeling overwhelmed that there will be wedding planning right away. Just a thought, of course you have to decide what you are comfortable with. What does your intuition say? That might tell you the answers you are looking for.

 

[MidModMin]

On one hand, I get the sense that you want him to propose because you think that will assuage some anxiety you have...which I don't think is how you should approach marriage, at all.

On the other, if he just said, "slow down," with no follow-up (hard to tell, based on your post)...well, that is also not how you should approach marriage, either, because you have to be able to discuss things, even hard topics, with your spouse. Avoidance or blowing off certain subjects isn't acceptable.

You haven't given much detail, so it's hard to say whether you are being unreasonable or not. It does make me wonder if you two are ready for marriage right at this moment or if there are other conversations you need to have (or other things sorted out) before you can take the plunge.

 

[kmoro]

@Miss B ... now that it’s March ... did he propose yet?

A word about layaway ... if you have the money, it makes no sense at all. If you don’t have the money, it still makes no sense at all because you can pay yourself over several months and have the lump sum ... however, at least this makes some sense for people unable to save. It is never ever financially wise to let someone else have your money without paying you interest while you have nothing.