Really bad situation...

[wakingdreams53]

As mentioned in a thread a month and a half ago, I wanted my bf to "man up" and move out of his incredibly incorrigible father's house.
We talked and he made a goal for within 6 months (that would've been April).
Okay, swell, wonderful, step in the right direction.

Yesterday, he and his father got into a really big fight which ended with him beating my bf.
Bf packed as much of his things as could fit into his car and came to me.
Not a single thought entered my mind that in this extreme situation, he wouldn't be able to stay with me.

I thought about all of the ways I'd tell my parents, since they're not evil and perfectly understand that you help a person in need if you can.
I didn't think that he'd stay with me permanently (I'm living alone in my parent's apt while they live out-of-state), but at least until he could get his feet on the ground.
He offered to help with all household things and pay my parents rent.
I really didn't think that would be a problem. I couldn't imagine what could be wrong with this.

I called my mom. She feels bad for SO and understands that in the extreme situation he can stay here, however, rent? According to her, rent means he'll get comfortable and never get his own footing. So there's no way in hell that she and my father will agree to letting him live in the apt.
But it's not like he's staying with me and sitting on his @$$ all day, you know? He has a full time job which is a pain and a half to get to from here.
She said he has a week to find an apt and that would be more than enough time. That he should be out by the time she comes (she's coming for two weeks to visit and spend Thanksgiving with me), which is the 17th.

I understand her point, really, I do... but what can I tell my bf? "Hi honey, I know that you're completely screwed right now, but just to add to that, you can't stay with me for longer than a week."
And sure, if you're out of a home and have zero options, you can find a place pretty quickly, but I can't imagine taking myself away as an option. When my mom goes back home, I'll be living alone yet again and then I'm leaving to go visit my parents. I'm going to have completely empty apartment and I can't let my bf temporarily stay? Really??

She said other things like if he stays here, I'll be the one supporting him and that's not a life she wants for me. And I get that too, but seriously now, he's an incredibly responsible person who would never overstay his welcome. He genuinely has no where else to go.

*enter curse word here*

 

[ame]

Yknow what? I'd be violating my parents "orders" so fast. Especially if you are paying the rent and you are an adult. He's in a crappy situation and just going out and finding an apartment when you can keep him there til he finds a good fit is really insensitive. You plan to move forward with this relatioship for the future. It's not like this is a temporary fling. Do your parents just think that him living there is going to be a huge orgy all the time or something?

 

[junebug17]

I understand how you feel, but it's your parent's apartment so you just have to go along with their decision. I can see your parents' side of things too - this is a tough situation. I would probably have given your bf a little more time to find a place, but it is what it is.

Maybe your parents aren't thrilled with you and your bf living together?

Does he have a friend he can room with for a while, or another family member he can stay with?

As to what to tell him, I'd just tell him that your parents are only comfortable with him staying a week. I know it's a bit awkward, but as I said it's your parents' place so they get to make the decisions on who stays there.

Sounds like your bf is going through a rough time, hopefully things will improve for him really soon!

 

[chemgirl]

I guess its your mom's apartment so she makes the rules. At the same time, one week isn't really a lot of time to find a new place if he doesn't have application fees, security deposit, and first and last already saved. Maybe she's worried that he'd move in permanently and not look for his own place if she doesn't push him? Any way you can work with her to give him more time to save and find a good place? Maybe she would be willing to give him a month or two if she knew he was really working at finding a place.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Problem is that she's going to be saying here for couple weeks beginning next week. Its not like I can hide him.
I don't pay rent, but he's willing to.
Here I thought my parents would be happy to earn extra income... guess not.

Apparently, if he wants to live with me, he needs to find a different place to do that in.

We're been together for almost 3 years, this is definitely not a fling. I can't believe my mom is so fervently against it. And if she's not on board, there no chance my father will be.

LOL to the orgy comment. They know he comes over an sleeps over, etc. I don't think that's inherently the first thing going through their minds.

I just want to remind them that when they first got married, they were living with my mom's grandparents. I doubt that lasted for a mere week. But I feel like that'd be insensitive...

Perhaps he can stay with his friends for two weeks while my moms here... ? What a stupid notion.

ETA:
@Chemgirl, she has a friend who found a place in a day. She's 100% on "where there's a will, there's a way." I want to remind her that he works full time and really doesn't have the time to look at apts. I'll try to get her to extend the deadline. I was at least hoping month...

ETA2:
She thinks that f he doesn't actively move, he'll just end up back in his father's I'd hope not, but certainly there's a chance. Living with another friend? No one has any room. Before coming he distributed his things to his friends, as not everything could fit in his tiny car.

 

[junebug17]

As chemgirl said, maybe you could talk to your mom and get her to give him more time to find a place? I agree that a week isn't very much time to find an apartment.

eta: sorry, just saw your response to chemgirl - I'd give it a try (meaning I'd try to get her to give him more time)

 

[chemgirl]

Problem is that she's going to be saying here for couple weeks beginning next week. Its not like I can hide him.
I don't pay rent, but he's willing to.
Here I thought my parents would be happy to earn extra income... guess not.

Apparently, if he wants to live with me, he needs to find a different place to do that in.

We're been together for almost 3 years, this is definitely not a fling. I can't believe my mom is so fervently against it. And if she's not on board, there no chance my father will be.

LOL to the orgy comment. They know he comes over an sleeps over, etc. I don't think that's inherently the first thing going through their minds.

I just want to remind them that when they first got married, they were living with my mom's grandparents. I doubt that lasted for a mere week. But I feel like that'd be insensitive...

Perhaps he can stay with his friends for two weeks while my moms here... ? What a stupid notion.

ETA:
@Chemgirl, she has a friend who found a place in a day. She's 100% on "where there's a will, there's a way." I want to remind her that he works full time and really doesn't have the time to look at apts. I'll try to get her to extend the deadline. I was at least hoping month...

ETA2:
She thinks that f he doesn't actively move, he'll just end up back in his father's I'd hope not, but certainly there's a chance. Living with another friend? No one has any room. Before coming he distributed his things to his friends, as not everything could fit in his tiny car.

Than her friend is very lucky! I just spent a month looking for my current place. I suppose it could have taken a day if I saw this house on day 1, but that didn't happen! I wasn't able to move in for 2 weeks after signing the lease because the former tenants had to clear out some of their stuff and the owner had to do some repairs. At this point, most rental adds will say "renting for dec. 1st" so moving in a week will be really hard. Some are happy to rent immediately, but others need time to get the property in order. Not to mention the time it will take for credit and reference checks if the building he finds requires them.

Moving isn't easy!

 

[Deia]

I think your mom is worried that he won't leave and most importantly I think she feels he needs to stop depending on other people for a place to stay or maybe she think he needs to grow up. I dunno, I'm sorry, it sucks.

 

[marymm]

Your BF should probably take a few days off work, letting them an emergency family situation has arisen, so that he can devote himself 100% to finding a new place. I don't know where you live, but maybe an SRO or an extended stay hotel/motel arrangement might work as a temporary stop-gap? Or he could check the Roommates Wanted ads on Craigslist? Maybe he'll find something - and, worst case, if he can't find an affordable place before your mom comes back into town, perhaps your mom will be more amenable to extending her deadline if she is able to see that BF did indeed exhaust all other options and is assured that he will make a priority of seeking alternative living arrangements.

 

[AprilBaby]

I can understand where your mom is coming from. She is just protecting you. And Its her apartment. You can always move out and get a place with your bf if you want to live with him.

 

[QueenB29]

I'd be looking for a new apartment for myself too--ASAP You're paying rent. You're an adult. You should be able to have whomever you want stay over for as LONG as you want. It sounds like the parent/child relationship is blending with the landlord/tenant relationship and that's not good for anyone.

By any chance does your mom have big issues with your BF? Or does she object to couples living together before marriage in general?

 

[Amys Bling]

I think your mom is worried that he won't leave and most importantly I think she feels he needs to stop depending on other people for a place to stay or maybe she think he needs to grow up. I dunno, I'm sorry, it sucks.

My thoughts exactly. I would beg for a longertimeline- say a month, and then he is out on his own... on a side note- how do your parents feel about your SO??

 

[ame]

I'd be looking for a new apartment for myself too--ASAP You're paying rent. You're an adult. You should be able to have whomever you want stay over for as LONG as you want. It sounds like the parent/child relationship is blending with the landlord/tenant relationship and that's not good for anyone.

By any chance does your mom have big issues with your BF? Or does she object to couples living together before marriage in general?

This is where my mind went. She's got an agenda here, either that she doesn't want you living together AT ALL, or she doesn't want you with HIM period. His safety should be her priority, not her beliefs. So to me, she'd clearly rather his dad kill him or seriously beat him again, than have him be safe because that means he's with you.

 

[pregcurious]

I'd be looking for a new apartment for myself too--ASAP You're paying rent. You're an adult. You should be able to have whomever you want stay over for as LONG as you want. It sounds like the parent/child relationship is blending with the landlord/tenant relationship and that's not good for anyone.

By any chance does your mom have big issues with your BF? Or does she object to couples living together before marriage in general?

She is not paying rent.

I think there are multiple things going on here, and we only have your side of the store. It sounds like these are the main ones:
- you are not paying rent, and therefore your parents ultimately have say in what goes on in the apartment
- your SO is in a bad situation, not related to your parents at all
- your parents don't like the idea of your SO (or maybe anyone) living with you

 

[yssie]

I'm so sorry WD. What a difficult situation, for you and your SO! I can only imagine what's going through his head right now

It's your parents' apt, so I do feel that ultimately it's all up to their discretion. I also feel that they are being shockingly inconsiderate at the moment!! Unless their concern is your safety, like TGal brought up, in which case that is a discussion that desperately needs to be had no matter what the outcome! He probably isn't even thinking straight right now, let alone capable of pulling things together sufficiently to find an apartment and move in a week...

I too waited a month to secure own apartment, and there was no dearth of apartments! It just takes time to find a place that's willing to take a tenant *right now*, apply, get approved, get through the credit checks, fill out all the forms and send them back, have all of that approved, actually *move* in... sure, I took my sweet time and I probably could've made it happen in a couple of weeks, but even then I'd already found the place! So much of the process depends on other people moving along, unless he literally stalks them he has no control over that...


I'm sorry WD. I do understand them not wanting the two of you living together, and I also understand them worrying about his commitment to moving given the delay in moving out of his father's place, but... sometimes circumstances are horrid enough that it's only humane to just kinda go with it, and overlook some things for a bit


Edited*

 

[TravelingGal]

I'd be looking for a new apartment for myself too--ASAP You're paying rent. You're an adult. You should be able to have whomever you want stay over for as LONG as you want. It sounds like the parent/child relationship is blending with the landlord/tenant relationship and that's not good for anyone.

By any chance does your mom have big issues with your BF? Or does she object to couples living together before marriage in general?

This is where my mind went. She's got an agenda here, either that she doesn't want you living together AT ALL, or she doesn't want you with HIM period. His safety should be her priority, not her beliefs. So to me, she'd clearly rather his dad kill him or seriously beat him again, than have him be safe because that means he's with you.

I beg to differ. Her DAUGHTER is her priority. And sometimes moms see things in a clearer way than their kids.

 

[Deia]

What TGal said.

 

[junebug17]

Problem is that she's going to be saying here for couple weeks beginning next week. Its not like I can hide him.
I don't pay rent, but he's willing to.
Here I thought my parents would be happy to earn extra income... guess not.

Apparently, if he wants to live with me, he needs to find a different place to do that in.

We're been together for almost 3 years, this is definitely not a fling. I can't believe my mom is so fervently against it. And if she's not on board, there no chance my father will be.

LOL to the orgy comment. They know he comes over an sleeps over, etc. I don't think that's inherently the first thing going through their minds.

I just want to remind them that when they first got married, they were living with my mom's grandparents. I doubt that lasted for a mere week. But I feel like that'd be insensitive...

Perhaps he can stay with his friends for two weeks while my moms here... ? What a stupid notion.

ETA:
@Chemgirl, she has a friend who found a place in a day. She's 100% on "where there's a will, there's a way." I want to remind her that he works full time and really doesn't have the time to look at apts. I'll try to get her to extend the deadline. I was at least hoping month...

ETA2:
She thinks that f he doesn't actively move, he'll just end up back in his father's I'd hope not, but certainly there's a chance. Living with another friend? No one has any room. Before coming he distributed his things to his friends, as not everything could fit in his tiny car.

Maybe it could be pointed out to her that by giving him such a short period to find a place, he may have to do exactly that!! As I've said in my previous post, I can see your parents' viewpoint, but I think asking to extend the time is reasonable. But, that said, she may very well say no so I think your bf should start actively looking now. This really is a tough situation.

 

[mrscushion]

Given that it's your mom's apartment and you are staying there rent-free, there's little you can do in the medium term.

At the same time, a week is a very short time and you may have to "woman up" to your mother and say that it is not possible to find an apartment in one week in your city, that he is your boyfriend and that whether she likes it or not he will stay with you for a few weeks. That may cause bad blood but I think it is reasonable for you to do so.

But unless you want to leave that apartment and get your own, or you start paying rent (either of which I think you should do if you at all can, to gain independence), you better tell your BF about the situation and start to help him look for a place now.

 

[QueenB29]

I'd be looking for a new apartment for myself too--ASAP You're paying rent. You're an adult. You should be able to have whomever you want stay over for as LONG as you want. It sounds like the parent/child relationship is blending with the landlord/tenant relationship and that's not good for anyone.

By any chance does your mom have big issues with your BF? Or does she object to couples living together before marriage in general?

She is not paying rent.

I think there are multiple things going on here, and we only have your side of the store. It sounds like these are the main ones:
- you are not paying rent, and therefore your parents ultimately have say in what goes on in the apartment
- your SO is in a bad situation, not related to your parents at all
- your parents don't like the idea of your SO (or maybe anyone) living with you

I missed this. Wakingdreams, if you're not paying rent, you really don't have a leg to stand on. In which case, if you want more freedom, you REALLY have to get another place. Otherwise, it's not very different than actually LIVING with your parents. They're doing you a big favor if you don't pay rent and you have to respect that. I still say that this is probably about more than your BF staying for awhile, though. If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? If you just graduated college, for example, your mom may think you're way too young to live with anyone and that could be it. Or, she may have reservations about him.

 

[monarch64]

I'd be looking for a new apartment for myself too--ASAP You're paying rent. You're an adult. You should be able to have whomever you want stay over for as LONG as you want. It sounds like the parent/child relationship is blending with the landlord/tenant relationship and that's not good for anyone.

By any chance does your mom have big issues with your BF? Or does she object to couples living together before marriage in general?

This is where my mind went. She's got an agenda here, either that she doesn't want you living together AT ALL, or she doesn't want you with HIM period. His safety should be her priority, not her beliefs. So to me, she'd clearly rather his dad kill him or seriously beat him again, than have him be safe because that means he's with you.

I beg to differ. Her DAUGHTER is her priority. And sometimes moms see things in a clearer way than their kids.

I agree with TGal. The boyfriend is over 18. WD is not paying rent. This is her parents' apartment. They clearly have the final say in whether the boyfriend stays in their apartment or whether they will rent to him, or not. Their answer is "no."

WD, your choices are to stay in your parents' apartment, or to move out and into an apartment with your boyfriend. Either way, you and your boyfriend are adults and can make your own decisions. Good luck.

 

[Saoirse2]

I think your mom is trying to protect you not against you. If he doesn't find a place and pay rent within a week, he is far more likely to return home [easier route]. So Sorry!

 

[TravelingGal]

OK, to clarify, and perhaps shed light on where your mom is coming from, let me expound.

I don't know you, except for what you've posted here. I also went to your other post where you refer to your BF. These are the ONLY two posts I am going on, but based on them, I know:

- Your boyfriend doesn't have a very nice father, and therefore not a good, healthy parental role model.
- Your boyfriend, to quote you directly "doesn't seem like he has any incentive to change" certain things about his life. I know you said he "said" he was going to move out, but we have no proof of this yet, except that now he wants to live with you
- He's young. 25. And he has a band. Now nothing wrong with this at ALL, except from a parent's point of view, it's not crazy for them to think, "Oh, he's young, wants to be a rock star, and that's probably not going to happen."
- You, while living in your parents house, rent free said, "Not a single thought entered my mind that in this extreme situation, he wouldn't be able to stay with me." You should have thought again, from their point of view.

What IS their point of view? From what I can garner, your BF is a very young man who doesn't seem to have a lot of solid direction, lives with his dad who is an a**hole and you didn't even think twice about having him live with you in THEIR house.

Yeah, as a parent, I'd trying to (lovingly) set you straight. You are not entitled to this. If you want to live with him, you both get out, pay rent and make your way. I'd be concerned too, if I were your mom, that this will develop into a long term arrangement. And If I were in a good mood, I'd give him two weeks too, to find a place, which is enough to peg down SOMETHING (may not be ideal, but hey...not an ideal situation.) If he didn't have you to run to, what would he do? He would need to grow up, figure something out and deal with life.

Which...wasn't that what you wanted him to do anyway? Sounds like the "incentive" to change has come.

Good luck.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Thanks everyone.

My mom has no problem with SO. The main issue, as Pregcurious astutely stated, they don't want anyone living here.
I finally disclosed that I have a cat in the apartment and they were pissed because they made it quite clear that they didn't want any pets here.

I'd love to move in with SO elsewhere, but it's just mind boggling to let an apartment stay empty.
To those who asked, I'm in NYC. There's a substantial amount of apts and there are opportunities to move immediately. But it's rarely just month-to-month. Choosing an apt to live in for a minimum of 6 months is a big deal and I don't think she gets that.

I do agree that he should take some days off and dedicate them to finding a place. I just first need to tell him that it's imperative to do so.
I really didn't think my mom would react this way, although I truly do see where she's coming from.

A part of me almost wishes we didn't have this apartment. Which is a terrible thought since with financial situations awry, that's quite possible. I don't want to get into the financial situation of my family, but it's just not good. With that in mind, I really thought a paying tenant (my bf) would come as good news as opposed to immediately dismissed.

He's really not a moocher though. He paid for my groceries and helped out even before this, it would only be greater now.
On top of my whole side, there's a chance that his father will start guilting him for leaving.
SO is already in a completely shattered place right now. I truly cannot bear to give him more bad news. It was bad enough seeing him groaning in pain from where he was beaten...

ETA:
I wish PS told me people posted before I responded! lol.
TGal, I 1000000% agree. This was the incentive, I just wish it wasn't so traumatic.
To others, some points: I'm young, 20 years old, and in college. He might not be on a path, but he's responsible and has a full-time job.
My parents would never take rent from me. Independence would truly mean me moving out as well, as I know that I have no grounds in the apt, it's not mine whatsoever and it's only thanks to my parents that I'm here.
Finding an apt w/ a roommate is out of the question (SO's against it). So I guess we're moving out...

 

[Matata]

TGal nailed it. I'd like to add that he may also have emotional and psychological issues from being in an abusive relationship with his father. I hope you are encouraging him to get help and will be patient and supportive without committing to a live-in relationship until he proves he is self sufficient and well on the way to coping with the damage done by his sperm donor.

 

[luv2sparkle]

Totally agree with TGal and Matata. Completely. Totally. 100%.

 

[TravelingGal]

WD, if I had any advice to give you, it would be to not move out. You're 20, young, and in school. Your priority right now should be to be a student (good Lord, I sound like my mother, help!) He is 5 years older than you, an adult, and should find a solution that doesn't disrupt your life. If he cared about you, I really believe he would not make you move from a rent free, good environment. If he cared about you and the future life you may have together, he'd be leaving you to concentrate on school and show you that he can take care of things on his end.

I'm not downplaying what his father did to him. It's awful and I feel terrible for him. You can support him by helping him find a place and being there emotionally for him. But moving out, IMHO, is not a wise idea.

 

[QueenB29]

ETA:
I wish PS told me people posted before I responded! lol.
TGal, I 1000000% agree. This was the incentive, I just wish it wasn't so traumatic.
To others, some points: I'm young, 20 years old, and in college. He might not be on a path, but he's responsible and has a full-time job.
My parents would never take rent from me. Independence would truly mean me moving out as well, as I know that I have no grounds in the apt, it's not mine whatsoever and it's only thanks to my parents that I'm here.
Finding an apt w/ a roommate is out of the question (SO's against it). So I guess we're moving out...

Now I understand where your mom is coming from. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, or think that I'm not sympathetic to your boyfriend; also, keep in mind that when I say this that I'm *only* 29. If I was a few years older and your mother, or even if you were my little sister, I would be completely 100% against you living with a boyfriend at the age of 20. To the point where I would not only not let him live with you in an apartment that I owned, I would probably cut off all financial support (even for school) if you decided to leave and move in with him.

It doesn't matter how mature you are or how mature your BF is. You're 20. You can't even legally drink yet. You are way too young to get tied down into a super-serious, live-in relationship. You need to enjoy school, and then enjoy life on your own as a young professional. At 22, I was not the same person I was at 20. And I DEFINITELY wasn't the same person at 24. You need to discover who you REALLY are. You have so much to look forward to in life.

 

[TravelingGal]

And regarding your SO being against finding a place with a roommate? There's a well known phrase that goes something like this:

Beggars can't be choosers.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

It's not your apartment so I don't think you have any grounds whatsoever to let your boyfriend just move in. I agree with your mother on this one - he needs to find his own place ASAP. If the situation at his home was so bad he should have been saving his money for a security deposit, etc. Sorry!