Really bad situation...

[DivaDiamond007]

WD, if I had any advice to give you, it would be to not move out. You're 20, young, and in school. Your priority right now should be to be a student (good Lord, I sound like my mother, help!) He is 5 years older than you, an adult, and should find a solution that doesn't disrupt your life. If he cared about you, I really believe he would not make you move from a rent free, good environment. If he cared about you and the future life you may have together, he'd be leaving you to concentrate on school and show you that he can take care of things on his end.

I'm not downplaying what his father did to him. It's awful and I feel terrible for him. You can support him by helping him find a place and being there emotionally for him. But moving out, IMHO, is not a wise idea.

.....and I totally agree with this as well.

 

[Deia]

I'd like to add that he may also have emotional and psychological issues from being in an abusive relationship with his father.

Agree. Speaking from personal experience as I live with my bf who has the above due to an awful father. Calling his father a sperm donor is even too nice...anyway, it takes ALOT of experience to be able to recognise and deal with it. I didn't know what I was getting into (5 years now) and trust me it wasn't pretty at first. I didn't know how much an awful father he had and my bf has worked very hard at positively changing and understanding the result of his awful childhood. Anyway, please think this through because you don't need to put yourself in a bad situation just because he is in one. Sorry to be blunt, I also don't think you are seeing things clearly, maybe because of your age. I mean no offense.

 

[zoebartlett]

I just began reading the thread, but I have a question. I'm assuming there's a lot more to this story than we know, correct? I don't understand why your parents are so against helping your boyfriend our by allowing him to stay in their apartment until he finds his own place. If he's working full time (able to support himself) and he's making an effort to find his own apartment, I don't see why your parents feel the way they do. I get it -- their house, their rules, but something about their reaction doesn't add up to me.

That's what happens when I post too soon before making it completely through a thread. Okay, I'm starting again and I'll ditto TGal. I had to go back and read what she had put together about your boyfriend (from your previous posts), and I have a clearer picture now.

 

[Maisie]

I have a daughter who is a year younger than you. My major concern in your situation is the violence from his father. I would be worried that you might get caught up in a fight if the father found out he was living with you. I would also worry that my house might end up getting destroyed if he did come round.

 

[Arkteia]

I may be in the minority here, but in no way can I imagine not helping my child if his GF was in a difficult situation, likes or dislikes aside. Her BF was just beaten up and was looking for some comfort and help... turned towards his GF, who else? I think that among other things, he is also seeking comfort and consolation and some support system... Being just beaten up by the father is horrible! I had a very loving and overprotective mother, who was jealous of all my boyfriends, and yet I can not imagine her refusing help to a man in such a difficult situation. Sorry if I am speaking from an emotional standpoint, and not offering you any concrete advice, but my heart goes out to both of you, and I wish you some resolution...

 

[yssie]

I may be in the minority here, but in no way can I imagine not helping my child if his GF was in a difficult situation, likes or dislikes aside. Her BF was just beaten up and was looking for some comfort and help... turned towards his GF, who else? I think that among other things, he is also seeking comfort and consolation and some support system... Being just beaten up by the father is horrible! I had a very loving and overprotective mother, who was jealous of all my boyfriends, and yet I can not imagine her refusing help to a man in such a difficult situation. Sorry if I am speaking from an emotional standpoint, and not offering you any concrete advice, but my heart goes out to both of you, and I wish you some resolution...

crasru I'm not a parent, but you paint the same picture that I'm seeing from where I'm sitting.

I'm the same age as the SO - I'm 25, I'm an adult, and I'm financially secure. There isn't a planet on which my father would put a finger on me in anger, but if he hurt me badly enough to need to leave - I sure wouldn't be okay. I wouldn't be able to "grow up" and get my act together and find a new place to live within in a week... I'd be a complete, utter wreck. And of course one of the first - if not *the* first - person I'd turn to would be my significant other of several years.

 

[Amys Bling]

WD, if I had any advice to give you, it would be to not move out. You're 20, young, and in school. Your priority right now should be to be a student (good Lord, I sound like my mother, help!) He is 5 years older than you, an adult, and should find a solution that doesn't disrupt your life. If he cared about you, I really believe he would not make you move from a rent free, good environment. If he cared about you and the future life you may have together, he'd be leaving you to concentrate on school and show you that he can take care of things on his end.

I'm not downplaying what his father did to him. It's awful and I feel terrible for him. You can support him by helping him find a place and being there emotionally for him. But moving out, IMHO, is not a wise idea.

couldnt agree more. Don't possibly ruin your situation, because of his. I think that a grown man with a full time job, can be on his own, and this should be motivation to do so... the push he needed, unfortunatley this had to be the push. Moving in too soon and being pushed to move out and live together instead of doing it on your own when the timing is right may do more harm than good for your relationship-

 

[mjr1]

Well, while I am sad for your boyfriend, I have to say it is your parents apartment, and well, they get to set the rules. Look at it this way, if you lived in an apartment with a stranger for a landlord who forbid dogs and you found a stray dog that really was in need you couldn't bring it to the apartment to live because you live in an apartment that doesn't allow dogs.....No I am not comparing a dog to your boyfriend! Rules are rules and when you choose to live in someone elses home, you need to live by their rules. Your parents said he could stay a week, that gives him time to find a place. You can help him any way you see fit-but no matter where you live, if you don't own it you live by the rules of the owner. I would be upset if your parents said no, he can't stay at the apartment at all, turn him away. They didn't-they are willing to help out for a finite period of time. Be supportive, do what you need to do to help him out within your comfort zone but respect your parents wishes and then, in turn, they hopefully will return the respect in the future when you have other differences that come with life. Good luck to your boyfriend!

 

[movie zombie]

....I finally disclosed that I have a cat in the apartment and they were pissed because they made it quite clear that they didn't want any pets here....

you are living rent free in their apartment and are doing things they explicitly told you were not acceptable. if you want to do what you want to do you need to move. if you want to live rent free you need to abide by their rules. really. its that simple.

however, if it were me i'd leave that apartment empty.....its their apartment and your parents responsibility. i'd chaff at having to follow their rules and would rather pay rent.

 

[MissStepcut]

If I am remembering correctly, your SO worked for his dad, right? The only other post I've read by you about him was about how he's not really standing on his own to feet despite being pretty well into adulthood.

I mean, I can really see the parents' perspective on this one. Their daughter is a student, still fully supported by them. Her25 yr old boyfriend wasn't independent and is now homeless. I would be putting pressure on for him to get himself settled into a better situation and out of my home as quickly as possible too, because I would be worried that he might never leave otherwise. One week does seem awfully short, but then one month seems too long.

 

[decodelighted]

Why do YOU have to move out? (Except for the fact you brought a cat in to a pet-free apartment ... uncool BTW.) This is a messed up situation but not just in the ways you think. Every NYC young adult I've ever known (w/o a trust fund) has lived with roommate at one time or other. What makes your boyfriend "too good" for that?

It sounds like you both have a lot of maturing to do .... and a lot of adjusting to the realities of life. (A six month lease being a big deal? Really?)

 

[VRBeauty]

....I finally disclosed that I have a cat in the apartment and they were pissed because they made it quite clear that they didn't want any pets here....

you are living rent free in their apartment and are doing things they explicitly told you were not acceptable. if you want to do what you want to do you need to move. if you want to live rent free you need to abide by their rules. really. its that simple.

however, if it were me i'd leave that apartment empty.....its their apartment and your parents responsibility. i'd chaff at having to follow their rules and would rather pay rent.

Ditto. 100%. You're trying to have your cake and eat it too... live rent-free in their apartment but ignore/flaunt their rules. That's just not how real life works for most people. Sweet deals like your living situation generally do come with strings attached... strings attached to the parents are particularly galling, but the "no free lunch" adage is as likely to apply in another bargain situation. You can try to talk your folks into giving the two of you more time, but ultimately it is your mother's decision to make.

 

[MissStepcut]

wakingdreams, I think it's not wise for you to move out right now. You're a student, and you need to consider your financial stability. You don't want to have to take out extra loans or interfere with your studies too much trying to make rent. Your boyfriend should look for short-term housing until he can get together enough cash for a longer term situation. My SO rented a room with a private bathroom on the UWS for around $1800k/month on a month-to-month basis. That sort of housing arrangement is definitely out there.

 

[Gypsy]

WD, if I had any advice to give you, it would be to not move out. You're 20, young, and in school. Your priority right now should be to be a student (good Lord, I sound like my mother, help!) He is 5 years older than you, an adult, and should find a solution that doesn't disrupt your life. If he cared about you, I really believe he would not make you move from a rent free, good environment. If he cared about you and the future life you may have together, he'd be leaving you to concentrate on school and show you that he can take care of things on his end.

I'm not downplaying what his father did to him. It's awful and I feel terrible for him. You can support him by helping him find a place and being there emotionally for him. But moving out, IMHO, is not a wise idea.

Agree.

He's 25, if he doesn't have his sh*t together this is HIS CHANCE TO GROW. You coddling him is a bad thing. You are enabling him to stay a child. He's not. He's an adult and needs to learn how to live like one.

Your "solution" of him moving in with you is a BAD IDEA for BOTH OF YOU.

You don't see it that way, but... I think your mom does and that's why she is taking this SMART stance.

You need to grow up, and you have time to do that. But he needs to grow up NOW. LET HIM. Don't hold him back. Encourage him to see that this is a good thing. If he has a job, he can get a place-- with or without roommates and learn to grow.

You stay where you are and watch and learn. You'll be where he is in a few years. For now, stay where you are.

ETA: I'm not even going to get into the cat thing because all I have are four letter words and I'm trying to keep this constructive.

 

[VRBeauty]

Are there are still YMCA's in NYC that offer inexpensive, short-term housing? Maybe an option to keep your BF off the streets while he scopes out Plan B? I know my brother stayed in a Y when he first moved to NYC, and he stayed there there until he found suitable, affordable housing for himself and my SIL (who joined him later). Of course that was many years ago. but the housing market was also much, much more competitive then than it probably is now.

 

[chemgirl]

I don't really get why his living with a roommate or subletting a room is that big of a deal. I thought that's what people normally do before they're financially stable. I've done it, my husband's done it, my sister's done it, and most of my friends have done it. Its what you do before you start your career. Most professionals you see were once interns making slightly above minimum wage and living with roommates!

He needs to get with reality and start looking online.

I don't see why you should move out of your parent's apartment while you're still in school. Can you really afford tuition, books, and living expenses in NYC? Getting a second job or working more hours to cover the increased expenses isn't going to make school any easier.

Sorry if I sound harsh, your boyfriend is going through something horrible and I wish your parents would give him more time to try and get settled. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like they're going to extend their deadline so he needs to face it. I just don't see why you have to move with him.

 

[Cehrabehra]

well, her house her rules... but you know what I'd do? I'd move out of that apartment and embrace my own adulthood and who I will and will not live with. I don't know how old you are but if you're older than 21, it's controlling. if you're 18-21 its borderline... I get her point to an extent but she is pushing you further, or at least it would be pushing ME further if my mother had dared to say anything like that to me - but she wouldn't have.

 

[Cehrabehra]

WD, if I had any advice to give you, it would be to not move out. You're 20, young, and in school. Your priority right now should be to be a student (good Lord, I sound like my mother, help!) He is 5 years older than you, an adult, and should find a solution that doesn't disrupt your life. If he cared about you, I really believe he would not make you move from a rent free, good environment. If he cared about you and the future life you may have together, he'd be leaving you to concentrate on school and show you that he can take care of things on his end.

I'm not downplaying what his father did to him. It's awful and I feel terrible for him. You can support him by helping him find a place and being there emotionally for him. But moving out, IMHO, is not a wise idea.

Agree.

He's 25, if he doesn't have his sh*t together this is HIS CHANCE TO GROW. You coddling him is a bad thing. You are enabling him to stay a child. He's not. He's an adult and needs to learn how to live like one.

Your "solution" of him moving in with you is a BAD IDEA for BOTH OF YOU.

You don't see it that way, but... I think your mom does and that's why she is taking this SMART stance.

You need to grow up, and you have time to do that. But he needs to grow up NOW. LET HIM. Don't hold him back. Encourage him to see that this is a good thing. If he has a job, he can get a place-- with or without roommates and learn to grow.

You stay where you are and watch and learn. You'll be where he is in a few years. For now, stay where you are.

ETA: I'm not even going to get into the cat thing because all I have are four letter words and I'm trying to keep this constructive.

Okay, I agree with BOTH of these women... but me personally I wouldn't do well being told. As you can see that would get my goat. BUT these women are more right than me!!

 

[swingirl]

Just my 2 cents. I've paid for my kids' apartments while they were in college. No way would I want either of them to live with a boy or girlfriend while attending college. Your mother is being generous allowing bf to stay for a week. I am guessing this is not the first time he has suffered from his father's violent temper. Yet at 25 he was still living at home and needed you to set a 6 month timeline for him to move out. His situation is unfortunate but it is something that could have been avoided by moving out years ago. So he is in a tough situation and you want to help. That's understandable but from your parents' standpoint it is a bad situation that could get worse. They are protecting their 20 year old daughter. I give your mom a lot of credit for making an unpopular decision.

If you didn't have your own apartment, lived in a dorm, or weren't his gf, where would he go?

 

[Pandora II]

I can see this in two ways:

My 20 year-old self who told my parents where to stick their money and moved in with a boyfriend of 3 years that they were highly dubious about at best. Guess what, mummy and daddy were right. The guy was no good for me, dragged me down, ended up expecting me to pay for everything and take care of both of us. It was very, very hard - I ended up working 3 jobs to pay rent as well as studying. Ultimately at 24 I felt like I was 50 and dumped him to move abroad and get MY life back.

In hindsight, I should have been spending my time concentrating on my studies and what I wanted from my life not on helping someone else reach their potential. But, being told I can't do x, y or z tends to raise my 'independence' hackles.

My now 39 year-old self sees how I would feel if my daughter was in your situation and I would probably handle it in a similar way to your parents. I would possibly say 2 weeks but I certainly wouldn't want him moving in long-term. I would want my daughter to concentrate on her studies not on helping out a man who - if he is good enough for my little girl - is going to grow a pair and take back his independence. In fact, I would much prefer my little girl to be in a relationship that was about having fun, spending time with friends and maybe doing some travelling - I certainly wouldn't want her dealing with violence and situations like your boyfriend's.

Moving in together should be a thought-out decision at the right time - not because his father beat him up. I'm someone who believes that you should live together at least a year before even thinking about getting engaged so I'm not anti living together by any means.

The part about him not wanting room-mates is quite frankly ridiculous. My husband and I both lived with room-mates till we moved in together in our 30's. It's normal - what is so special about him that he can't do want thousands of others his age are doing? If he goes back to his father over sharing a house with others then frankly I wouldn't want much to do with him as his priorities are clearly bonkers.

Your SO may end up being the ONE, but recently he's showing big red flags that you have acknowledged yourself. You are young with a life ahead of you and trust me, you want to end up with a man who can put his money where his mouth is and take responsibility for his own safety - and for that matter yours.

I hope this doesn't come off as harsh. I have a feeling that your parents can see things you maybe can't and are trying to protect you.

 

[Lady_Disdain]

I feel for your BF - he is in a tough situation and has a lot of baggage to deal with. I wish him luck, wisdom and serenity.

I understand that leaving an abusive situation is hard. But, in the end, he is the one who has to decide to do it. If his choices are to find bad temporary lodgings for a few weeks, a less than satisfactory apartment for 6 months, a flatmate or return to his father (who beat him up), it seems clear which one is the worse one. All the others can be seen as a temporary inconvenience (it is pretty easy to survive 6 months in a bad apartment, when it comes down to it). If he thinks they are worse than establishing his independence from an abusive parent, then direct him to a therapist (which I think he should go, regardless of his decisions) and rethink your situation.

Is it really impossible for him to get a day off his job, as a family emergency? Even if it is unpaid, that is probably what it will take for him to find a place to stay. Or maybe crash at a friend's place for a week, which would give him 2 weeks to find his new place.

The fact that you can't provide him with a place to stay, since you don't have a place to offer him, doesn't mean you are unsupportive. You can give him advice, help him search for a new place online, listen to him, etc. Help him become a better man.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

....I finally disclosed that I have a cat in the apartment and they were pissed because they made it quite clear that they didn't want any pets here....

you are living rent free in their apartment and are doing things they explicitly told you were not acceptable. if you want to do what you want to do you need to move. if you want to live rent free you need to abide by their rules. really. its that simple.

however, if it were me i'd leave that apartment empty.....its their apartment and your parents responsibility. i'd chaff at having to follow their rules and would rather pay rent.

Ditto. 100%. You're trying to have your cake and eat it too... live rent-free in their apartment but ignore/flaunt their rules. That's just not how real life works for most people. Sweet deals like your living situation generally do come with strings attached... strings attached to the parents are particularly galling, but the "no free lunch" adage is as likely to apply in another bargain situation. You can try to talk your folks into giving the two of you more time, but ultimately it is your mother's decision to make.

Yep, if you're going to live in your parents apartment, then you're going to have to put up with the attached strings. However, from what you've said, it sounds like the only rules are no pets and no live-in boyfriend? If that is the case, then you are probably best off staying there until you graduate from college. You are young. 20 is young. But, you began dating your BF three years ago? 17ish? That may be what is upsetting your mom, too, is that were with this guy when you were barely of age and haven't really had a chance to explore life...Your BF needs to figure out his own deal and you can focus on your studies!

Your mom is okay with you keeping the cat, right? That is fine. Don't try and hide the BF there! It's not quite the same

 

[Efe]

Your parents said no pets and you disrespected that request. Not a great move on your part. Your mom doesn't have to give him one week and she is, so I think you should appreciate that gesture. She doesn't want to give him more time for many reasons, one of which may be that she is coming for two weeks to spend time with you and probably doesn't want to have your boy friend around the whole time.

 

[movie zombie]

been thinking about this a bit. you've stated your BF has been in an abusive relationship with his father yet you had to get him to agree to move out in 6 months but instead he got beaten and needs to move sooner. how is this your problem? he made the decision to stay. he made the decision despite knowiing the horrid conditions. yet he stayed. what was his payoff for doing so? people don't stay in abusive situations unless there is a payoff of one kind or another. not only did he stay, he has set guidelines for what is acceptable to him that limit his choices. again, his choices.....he's made them and now has to live with the consequences.

i know you want to be supportive. but its his job to decide what he wants in his life and its your job to decide what you want in your life. at this point it seems that he wants to be taken care of and you're wanting to be his care taker.

under the circumstances, i now think your mother is being generous in allowing him to stay even one week. the sooner he has to accept responsibility for his living arrangements the better for him, you, and any future relationship you will have with him.

 

[LJL]

This thread is tough. When I was 19, I broke up with a deadbeat man-boyfriend (he was 23?) because he couldn't grow up essentially. So your struggles before the beating really make sense to me. I kept giving him ultimatums (bad idea) and wanted him to change (bad idea too) and it never worked. Eventually I said that I want better for myself and I need a guy who can stand up for himself and make adult decisions. I don't agree with the people who say that youre too young blah blah - I think being young involves learning - and I think that no matter the decisions you make here, you will learn. About 6 months before I broke up with my ex, I co-signed on a loan with him - and thank God he's still making the payments, but you don't want a financial obligation imposed on you by a guy you might not end up with. I learned from that relationship and I am in a much better place now - and you will learn from this and make the appropriate changes.

I think the parts of this thread that I struggle most with is that you've been with him for a long time. My parents never would deny help to any guy that I was seriously dating, especially if it did not hurt them financially, etc. HOWEVER, my parents quickly cut the cord at 17 when I moved a thousand miles away for college. I love my independence and making my own decisions. Whether right or wrong, my parents will give advice but never attempt to impose rules because they know I need to learn on my own (and rules would make me rebel). I understand where people are coming from as far as you not paying rent and that being the smartest place for you to live- theyre probably right but I think that the biggest part of being an adult is making your own decisions - none of us know what your relationship is like with your BF and none of us know your level of maturity. At the same time, I would advise that you help your BF find a place to stay that is NOT with you. I'm not against you moving out of your parents' place (and I wouldn't care about it "staying empty"- its their place, their rules, THEIR responsibility) but I don't think you should be forced by circumstances to move in with him. Turning to you for emotional support is one thing, but turning to you for financial and mental (you helpfully telling him what to do) support is another. If you do this now, you may be helping him with every little thing financially and mentally for the rest of your life - thats not necessarily wrong, some people like playing that role in a relationship - but I like to know that my man could live without me, but would rather not.

Good luck, whatever you choose. This is a big tough test of independence and adulthood.... I don't envy your situation!

 

[VRBeauty]

WD I just noticed your full screen name - waking dreams - and I'm wondering if it doesn't explain the situation you're in a bit. To me it speaks of being in that half-dream state where the allure of the dream is pulling against the realities of the day ahead. There's a lot of dreaming and hoping involved in your relationship with your boyfried - like wishing and hoping for him to change his living situation, while he just put up with it until this past week. You need to be fully awake to deal with the reality of what you can and cannot control, and with what's best for you and your future.

 

[amc80]

I don't know how old school your parents are, but I wonder if part of the problem is that you would be rescuing him. That might be thinking something like this:

Women aren't supposed to rescue men- men should be able to take care of themselves. It shows that they are able to take care of a wife.

I agree with the others that since you're not paying rent, you really are at the mercy of their decisions. He can move into an extended stay hotel until he can figure out something more permanent.

 

[movie zombie]

........- but I like to know that my man could live without me, but would rather not.

Good luck, whatever you choose. This is a big tough test of independence and adulthood.... I don't envy your situation!

bolded above has always been important for me.

and i do agree with the next sentence.

i'm glad i don't have to live through those years again!

 

[allycat0303]

In the long run, I'm sure this incident will be what's best for your boyfriend, but at the very moment it must be overwhelming for both of you. I think your mother's motives are two fold. I think she's protecting you (she doesn't want you/or her, supporting a guy long term), and she IS trying to help him in her own way. I don't think that letting him go from living with his dad, to living with his girlfriend's parents is going to help his personal growth.He will have gone from depending on one adult to depending on another.

My parents, whether it be cultural etc., woud NOT let my boyfriend stay with us for a week. They would pay for a hotel room for him for a month before doing this, because it's just not *correct*. It doesn't mean they are heartless people, but for whatever reason it may be, they are not comfortable with the situation. You need to accept that.

I usually think that people mature at different rates, but at 25, finding an apartment is within the realms of normal developpement. It's not a big deal, however, I do sense a reluctance (from your posts AND the description of you boyfriend) that both of you are resistent to living on your own and standing on your own two feet. It doesn't mean you have to move out now, but I wonder if he's not *staying the victim* in this situation to avoid finding a place of its own. It's terrible what happened, but people have suffered similar fates and been able to find a place to stay.

Good Luck!

 

[sparkle-magpie]

Any news on this? Hope you're ok.

Take care, keep us posted.