Really bad situation...

[House Cat]

WD, if I had any advice to give you, it would be to not move out. You're 20, young, and in school. Your priority right now should be to be a student (good Lord, I sound like my mother, help!) He is 5 years older than you, an adult, and should find a solution that doesn't disrupt your life. If he cared about you, I really believe he would not make you move from a rent free, good environment. If he cared about you and the future life you may have together, he'd be leaving you to concentrate on school and show you that he can take care of things on his end.

I'm not downplaying what his father did to him. It's awful and I feel terrible for him. You can support him by helping him find a place and being there emotionally for him. But moving out, IMHO, is not a wise idea.

This! And, that he gets into therapy...and stays away from abusive father.

You won't be able to rescue your boyfriend from this situation. It started at birth. It is twisted, deep, and drawn out. Understand that this will take him years to sort out. I think this is why your parents are setting this boundary for you. They've been around the block a few times.

 

[Prana]

Jeez, this is such a heavy situation for a 20 year old college student to be placed in. You should be off galavanting with girlfriends and having lighthearted fun relationships with your SO at this age. But, we don't really choose who we fall in love with, as some would say, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

With that said, you are living in a pretty sweet situation right now. You're 20, living rent free in the city, by yourself. Do you realize how lucky you are and how much awesome fun you could be having? Your parents are being quite generous to you in letting you live there, and with only a few rules...yet you're not really abiding those rules and that's not cool.

Your parents are being generous by giving him a week. And don't even tell me that he doesn't want a roomate. What kind of entitled attitude is that? If I was being so badly beaten by a parent that I was living with, I'd move into the YMCA and be thankful before I dealt with that sort of abuse. It sounds like he has some issues with reality.

You're 20. You are in the most carefree and fun years of your life and this is not something that you need to be wrapped up in right now. Your parents are probably not thrilled by this situation in the least, and I do not blame them. Their 20 year old daughter in college is dating a 25 year old boy who has not really shown any sort of motivation or drive to better himself in the past 3 years of your relationship. What parent wouldn't imagine something different for their daughter? Please try to see this from their perspective: I'd be scared for my daughter if she were in this situation. Not because of retribution from the BF's father, but because this is a heavy situation for their 20 year old daughter to be in. Especially when it seems like she has been given every opportunity to have the easiest life possible.

I'm not by any means saying that you should ditch your guy, but I would like to echo what others have said in that you yourself do not actually have a living option to offer him. You can be supportive in helping him find a place and giving him emotional support through this time, but that's about all at this point. GIve him his week, but he needs to really get going and find a better situation for himself. You don't need to do that for him.

And lastly, I'd like to tell a quick story. When my DH and I were 20, we were dead set on living together. My parents were furious, they would go back and forth between giving me the silent treatment, yelling at me, and begging me not to. We found an apartment, bought all this stuff to furnish it, his dad (reluctantly) co-signed for us (because we were in absolutely NO POSITION to be getting an apartment) and the night before we were supposed to move in, we decided to call the place and tell them we weren't going to do it (luckily we didn't have to put down any sort of deposit). That was the best decision we have ever made. We would have been completely screwed had we done that and the stress would have broken us up. Not to mention that he may not have ever gone to school and gotten his current career, and who knows if I would have been able to finish school and become what I am today. Sometimes I think back to that time and get physically sick thinking about what would have happened if we never backed out of that apartment situation.

You're too young to be wrapped up in all this. Just support him emotionally and in helping him get a place, and then tell him he has to make good on his own claims to grow up and get out on his own.

Sorry for the novel.

 

[wakingdreams53]

This is my last reply to this thread, as I really ought not to post personal things on here.
I appreciate all that has been said, the thought that was put into your posts and your own anecdotal stories.

Someone asked for updates:
My mom's here now, SO's still lost. I thought he was going to move in with his mom, but then last night found out that he was never actually considering it. Yes, he's being an entitled child and not understanding that what he wants takes time. (What he wants: a house with his own recording studio) I explained that living with his mother, rent-free, closer to work, is the best chance for him to start saving for this dream. He wants to fix things with his father, but I wish he'd just take time apart.
His father sent him an 8 page email (approximate size, but just plain huge) listing all the ways that SO has disobeyed him, dishonored his family, etc. etc. etc. Lots of guilt and he's eating it all up. He responded to the email but his father didn't reply back. This is causing him even more stress and wants to talk with his father.
He wants to buy the recording studio from him and live his dream. It's a reasonable prospective, but the chances of his father actually selling it are slim to none. But SO believes that if he throws enough money at him, the cheap @$$hole will bite. (those are my words, not his)

Anyway, the situation is very unclear and I have no idea what's going on with SO, I wish I did. I made it clear that if he goes back to his father he'll lose me soon after, because I refuse to be with someone who doesn't move forward with his life. His stuff is still here, but he hasn't been here in a few days.

We lived together for 4 days and as engagement/marriage-oriented as I was before, that's how much I'm not now. I'm in the live-together-minimum-6-months camp, because the daily-life is very different from dating.

My parents just want me to enjoy my life and not get sucked into this misery. They want me to explore and have fun, be with someone who can show me new things and take me places. Which I 1000000% understand, but we love each other and are happy together. It's just tough. However, if he doesn't get out of this stagnant place soon.... well anyway, this is just to tell PSers that I'm thinking clearly, I understand my parents, and I'm really not rebelling.

Oh, re: cat, my mom loves him and knew I had him. I was lonely and I needed someone/something in my apt or else I'd lose my mind. Yes, getting the cat disobeyed my parents clear wishes, but I'm not the typical 20 year old and they understand that.
Generally, free apartment means parties, drinking, things breaking, etc. Me? I had a dinner party for New Years Eve which consisted of my very good friend, his gf, and my SO.

 

[pregcurious]

Thanks for posting an update. I think you have a larger perspective on things that will help you understand the situation better. It sounds like your parents really love and support you. That's such a wonderful thing. You are blessed.

 

[junebug17]

Thanks for the update wakingdreams! Sorry to hear things with your bf are still up in the air, and I hope he can eventually get situated in his own place. I wish you both the best!

 

[partgypsy]

Thanks for updating. Sounds like you have a firmer grip on the situation. As far as your SO buying his father's studio, judging from their past interactions, that seems like a fantasy. There is no family business. It is his Dad's business, and there is bad blood between them. He needs to cut his losses and move on.