pregnant & scared

[gailrmv]

I wish you the very best in this challenging time.

As a new parent I can say that having a baby is extremely difficult and life changing in every way. It is also the best thing by far that I have ever done.

I hope you will have some time to think things through on your own, and then have good discussions with your BF. I know you will make the best decision for the two of you.

Please don't forget that adoption is an option should you decide that you do not want to or cannot keep the baby.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 8/29/2009 11:26:50 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/29/2009 11:22:21 PM
Author: cellososweet

Date: 8/29/2009 10:52:03 PM
Author: neatfreak
Black Jade-She''s looking for support. She doesn''t need judgement no matter how you try to veil it as giving her ''information.''

LM: Sounds like you have a great man on your hands. Take some time, think it through, and do what is right for you and your BF right now. No matter what it is.

I just have to second this. Don''t let people sway you with their personal stances on things like this. This is your decision that you need to make for your life. And trust me, I''m probably on the opposite side of the pro/anti choice than you think based on what I just said. The point is that this is your life. Not mine, not anyone elses. I can have my opinions, but they are for me and my life and it''s not my position to push them on anyone else. Anyone can google and get any sort of ''info'' they want, they don''t need me for that. The only thing you need is support and a big fat hug!

I hope you have a good rest of the weekend. Spend time with your BF. Hold each other. Cry if you need to. (((hug))))

+1, well said.

+1, again.

I think there is a time and a place..and although based in fact, this isn''t the time nor the place.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 8/29/2009 10:52:03 PM
Author: neatfreak
Black Jade-She''s looking for support. She doesn''t need judgement no matter how you try to veil it as giving her ''information.''

LM: Sounds like you have a great man on your hands. Take some time, think it through, and do what is right for you and your BF right now. No matter what it is.

I 100% ditto neatfreak.

LM-I wish you all the best.

 

[ericad]

I was in your situation when DH and I were just married and I was finishing school. A professor I adored helped me (she had been through it too) and what she said really did the trick - I don't know if it will help you, but worth a shot

She said she believes that the universe is filled with little baby spirits, floating around just waiting for an "opening" to come into the world. Perhaps you had a moment where you smiled at a cute baby, or pictured what your child with your boyfriend would look like one day down the line, or maybe you heard a cute baby name and thought you might use it one day. That little bugger of a spirit saw its chance and jumped right in through that tiny crack in the armor. BUT, if it's a misunderstanding and it's not your time to be its mother, that's ok. He'll have to hop on out and find someone else - this one is not meant for you, nor you for it.

I don't know why, but that really helped me (and I'm not a religious or spiritual person at all). We chose to terminate that pregnancy and I have never regretted it. We have a 4 year old now and every decision I made was leading me to being the best mom I can be for HER. If I had had other babies before her, she wouldn't be here and we wouldn't be the providers we are today. Everything happens for a reason.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 8/30/2009 12:02:16 AM
Author: ericad
She said she believes that the universe is filled with little baby spirits, floating around just waiting for an ''opening'' to come into the world. Perhaps you had a moment where you smiled at a cute baby, or pictured what your child with your boyfriend would look like one day down the line, or maybe you heard a cute baby name and thought you might use it one day. That little bugger of a spirit saw its chance and jumped right in through that tiny crack in the armor. BUT, if it''s a misunderstanding and it''s not your time to be its mother, that''s ok. He''ll have to hop on out and find someone else - this one is not meant for you, nor you for it.

What Ericad says above in this quote, IMO, is entirely true to the universe. I feel in my heart this is the way things are.

Best wishes to you. I hope all works out for you.

 

[Blackpaw]

Hugs littlemonster.

this is a situation ive been frightened of for a long time, and i can only imagine how scared you are.

I can say please do whats right for you and your SO, dont get caught up with other peoples stances.

More {{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[E B]

I wanted to come give my support as well, LM. Please don't let anyone guilt you into one decision or another- only you know what's best for you. Hugs to both of you.

 

[Dannielle]

LM, I just wanted to show my support.

I have never shared this outside of my close family because it is a very painful subject, but I know that when I was in your situation, other peoples experiences helped in shaping my decision. I had an abortion when I was 15. My FI and I had been together for a couple of months and had only been intimate a few times. I was on the pill, however I didn’t take it religiously because I was stupid and wasn’t thinking of the consequences.

I thought about my options for days, and after talking to my Dad and FI, I realised that at 15 I was in no position to care for a baby. So I had the abortion.. physically it was painless however I needed to go to counselling afterwards. FI and I both know that we made the sensible decision, but if we could go back.. we wouldn’t of done it.

This is my experience, everyone feels differently. I hope that you make the decision right for you.. you will be in my thoughts.

 

[House Cat]

Date: 8/30/2009 12:02:16 AM
Author: ericad

She said she believes that the universe is filled with little baby spirits, floating around just waiting for an ''opening'' to come into the world. Perhaps you had a moment where you smiled at a cute baby, or pictured what your child with your boyfriend would look like one day down the line, or maybe you heard a cute baby name and thought you might use it one day. That little bugger of a spirit saw its chance and jumped right in through that tiny crack in the armor. BUT, if it''s a misunderstanding and it''s not your time to be its mother, that''s ok. He''ll have to hop on out and find someone else - this one is not meant for you, nor you for it.

A very wise person told me this as well. It was phrased in this way, "Much happier, HEALTHIER cultures believe...."


I wish you wisdom in this decsion. Please know, that whatever you choose, it will be the right decision for you.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

ALL the support in the world to you, my dear.

I went through a very, very similar situation this past March. (Grad student, long term relationship, couldn''t imagine a baby NOW but maybe in the future... thread is here ).

I can''t advise you one way or the other, but I can only tell you about my own personal experience. (and from that I can say that the physical pain wasn''t severe but my emotions were a mess for a few days)

There are days when I see a sweet babe and feel some regret, and there are days where I am THANKFUL beyond belief. I often told myself, "Just because you''re pregnant does not mean you SHOULD have a baby. And just because you could handle being a mom, doesn''t mean that you MUST be one." For me, this is still true. I''m not a person of faith, however, so I didn''t deal with moral dilemmas that a lot of women face.

You may *never* feel strongly about "one way" or "the other" or fully confident in your decision- don''t be surprised if you feel much doubt at any stage of this process. I hope for you, however, that you feel confident and at peace, no matter what you decide.

If you seek advice or comfort from any third parties, don''t let them bully you into choosing baby or no-baby- SO IMPORTANT. The one person who says you aren''t fit for motherhood, or the one person who says you''re forever damned to H*ll know not what they''re saying. Only you, in your heart of hearts, knows what is the right choice.

And as far as your SO goes- It''s WONDERFUL that he is supportive of you, no matter what. Don''t be surprised if, in a short while, you REALLY want to know what his honest opinion is. The embryo is in your body, but it is 50% his. Even if he feels a bit different than you do about the whole process, I think it''s a good thing for both male and female (at least those in a long-term relationship) make a joint decision- ESPECIALLY if you see yourself together for the long-haul. Discussing it with him is step #1, I''m so glad that you had the opportunity to do so.

Sending all the positive energy and thoughts your way. It''s a big decision. Have faith in yourself that YOU will do what is right for YOU and your SO.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Dbl post- sorry!

 

[pocahontas]

Date: 8/29/2009 11:06:51 PM
Author: kama_s
Little Monster, I can''t imagine what you''re going through right now. The decision you make, whatever may it be, is a tremendously dificult one. I''m so glad you and your boyfriend are in this together. Lots of hugs to you.

Remember, don''t let people bully you into thinking there is a wrong vs. right way to this. The right choice for you would be whatever is best for you and your partner.

Ditto to everything Kama said.

 

[vespergirl]

Little Monster, I just wanted to follow up and say that I''m so glad that you had that conversation with your boyfriend - he sounds like a great guy. Isn''t it amazing how they can stay so calm in the face of an unplanned pregnancy while us women are freaking out? (That''s how me & DH were).

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you guys are in my thoughts, and it sounds like you are two good people with good heads on your shoulders, and I know that you will reach a decision (whatever it may be) that is a good one for you as a person and as a couple. Best of luck to you.

 

[steph72276]

LM, just wanted to stop by and offer some support and hugs to you. I know you must be really scared and a million thoughts are going through your head right now. Just take some time this weekend to take care of yourself and your boyfriend. Don''t stress yourself out in making a quick decision. Take lots of time thinking everything through so you are not left with regrets with either road you choose. Ask yourself questions like would you still be so nervous/scared about having a child if you were finished with your master''s and into a good career? If not, how long will it be before you are finished up with school? Some schools even have free or cheap childcare through their education department, you can check into that. Also, do you have friends/family close by that could help with childcare while you finish up your degree? I really feel for your situation and I hope you and your boyfriend will come up with a decision that will give you peace. Big hugs...take care of yourself!

 

[phoenixgirl]

Little Monster,

Your boyfriend does sound like a wonderful man, and I''m so glad to hear that his immediate response was to be so supportive of you. A lot of men would have needed to get through the shock first. I''ll be thinking about you two over the next few days as I know you''ll be doing a lot of soul-searching and talking (and probably some laughing and crying too).

Sending support your way . . . .

Ditto on not letting anyone tell you two what is the right thing for you. You''ll probably fear the reactions of people in real life more than a few posters on the internet, but my hope for you is that the two of you can find the way through this that is best for *you* and no one else.

 

[drk]

LM - I do a lot of anesthetics for terminations, and the procedure is all of 5 min start to finish. In med school I saw some from the Ob/Gyn side of things, and they didn''t get a general anesthetic, just a little laughing gas and local anesthetic, and it wasn''t so pleasant. My patients get a very brief general anesthetic, and don''t seem to complain of pain when they wake up. I''m sure they have cramping and some bleeding after, but I doubt it''s too bad. I had a D&C + hysteroscopy for weird bleeding 8 years ago, and don''t remember having any pain afterwards, and just light spotting. Felt groggy for most of the rest of the day, but that was it.
Having gone through IVF to get pg, at 4 weeks (ie where you''re at now), you can''t even see a gestational sac on ultrasound. Even by 6 weeks it''s just a yolk sac with a fetal pole that has a contracting tube in the middle of it. So don''t get freaked out by what Black Jade said.
There''s always the possibility that you''ll miscarry on your own, though a young healthy person is far less likely to have that happen that someone my age (34). Hopefully you and your BF will have some quiet time tomorrow night to really chat about what you want. I''m sure you can make anything work. If marriage is in the cards anyhow, does he have better insurance that you''d be able to get if you were married? Is adoption an option for both of you? If you''re opposed to abortion for whatever reason, but both feel you''re not ready to have a child right now, an open adoption could allow you to give your baby to a couple desperately wanting a child, while allowing you to still have a role in its life later on. I know it''s also not an easy choice, but one that often gets forgotten these days.
Big hugs - what a rough position to be in, after religiously taking your pill. At least when DH and I had our accidents early on, they were the condom-breaking kind of ones where we could get the morning after pill to take care of things. You''ve certainly got a few weeks left to make a decision as to what to do. Maybe write a pros/cons list of each option? I''ve always found that that really helped me to clarify my thoughts, and usually clearly showed one option winning out. And another trick seemed to be to say I''d flip a coin - usually my gut shouted out what end result I just couldn''t deal with before I went ahead and flipped it.
I''m glad to hear that you and your BF seem to have such a good open supportive relationship though. He sounds like a sweetheart.

 

[meresal]

BlackJade- NM.

LM- My husband and I found out a week ago that we are expecting. Like you, my DH was incredible while making our decision and said it was 100% whatever I wanted and would support me no matter what. I have to say that personally. I don't know if you have the same thinking I do, but my #1 concern was finding out how far along we were, and seeing how "long" we have to make a decision. (If you are interested, you can go to PP and they can do an ultrasound for $100, to find out how far along you are. I can assure you, they are completely un-biased and will give you any and ALL answers for questions you and your BF may have.
(I didn't feel comfortable going to my personal OBGYN, because I didn't know how she would react if we chose not to proceed, and they won't always do US's on the first visit, as the front desk told me when I called.)
We decided to go ahead with the child, but that is becuase we are married and financially stable. I can't say honestly what we would have done, if we were still dating or engaged.
One of my best friends had an abortion almost 2 years ago. On BC then and still is now. She was a month away from starting grad school, her now DH (BF at the time) wasn't living in the same city, and they didn't have the funds. She now lives about 100 yds from me, and she was the first person I called after we found out last Saturday. She and her old BF have now been married for about 10 months, and they still have no regrets. It wasn't the right time for them. I even asked her what they would do if she found out they were pregnant now. She is 1 yr away from graduating grad school and wants to get positioned at a good therapy center before having children. She couldn't say 100%, but is pretty sure they would do the exact same thing.

Like everyone else said, it is completely your decision. It's wonderful that your BF is being the way he is, it makes it so much easier to know there is absolutely no pressure. I'll be thinking of you, and I hope you all come to the best decision for you and your BF.

 

[princesss]

LM, I hope that you and your SO make the decision that is best for the two of you. I don''t really know what to say other than that, but I am here to listen if you would like to talk.

*hugs*

 

[gailrmv]

Little Monster,

I was thinking more about you. Did you mentioned that health insurance was a concern? I thought you said that but just skimming again I don't see it in your original post. Anyway, if it is, you may want to check into Medicaid. You may qualify since you are a student so I am assuming you don't have a huge income at this time (I am not trying to be nosy or make assumptions - please forgive me if it comes across that way!) The reason I mention Medicaid is that it is specifically designed to cover pregnant women and babies. So the cost of your prenatal care and labor and delivery may be significantly less than you first thought, if you do qualify. I think it is worth looking into. The rules vary a little state to state.

I also remember reading recently that close to 50% of pregnancies in the US were unplanned. This surprised me, so I did a little more research into the source material and it did seem legit! So, whatever you decide to do, take comfort in the fact that many, many, many women have been in the same situation you are in now.

 

[swimmer]

Thinking about you LM.

I have no advice and haven't been in your shoes, but I know what fear is like and send you love and support.

For you ladies who shared your own difficult experiences, I send you the same love and support, know that I am in awe of your strength. This is never an easy decision.

 

[dinamit]

LittleMonster, I can imagine how you feel as I''ve been in a similar situation. I became pregnant 3 months after my long-term boyfriend and I got back together (we separated for a few months, and having tried it with other people decided we really want to be together). This was definitely NOT planned, and was VERY scary. I just bought my 1 bed condo and was loving life as a girl about town. Just when I started to enjoy it, a baby...I am totally pro-choice, but despite how much I thought about it, I couldn''t really justify having a termination. We weren''t exactly financially stable or prepared in any way, but we had a roof over our heads, and were at what felt the right age for us to have a baby. So 9 months later, out beautiful son was born! He is gorgeous in every way, and we adore him.

Pregnancy and birth don''t have to be difficult, it really is individual. As for having a baby, it can be tiring and certainly changes your life a lot (at least while they are small) but despite all this, and despite not being prepared, you totally get overwhelmed by love. Doing it this way isn''t very easy, eg it''s harder to save for a bigger place as childcare is so expensive. I sometimes wish we did things in the ''right order'' like my friends. Hopefully, we will plan wayyy ahead for baby no. 2. I didn''t imagine I would have a baby first, then get married etc., but all I need is one look at my boy''s face and I know that we''ve done the right thing. I can''t imagine him not being here.

Good luck with what ever you and your boyfriend decide. Sending you a hug, I know it''s a biggie, but it sounds like you have a great someone there by your side to hold your hand which ever path you take.

D.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Little Monster - I just wanted to see how you were doing, and offer some support.

I had a D&C after miscarrying when I was in college, and I remember it wasn''t a terribly painful procedure (thank God for anesthesia!) but I was uncomfortable for the next couple of days and my hormones were an absolute mess.

Just thinking of you and your BF and hoping everything goes smoothly, whatever you decide.

 

[kittybean]

Hi Little Monster, just wanted to let you know there''s another PSer cheering for you no matter what you decide. This must be so incredibly hard for you . . . I''m sending lots of virtual hugs your way, ''cause I don''t really have much else to say. I''m so sorry you have this difficult decision before you, and I wish you all the best with everything you''ll have to endure in the near future.

Please remember, no matter what you choose, there are other support networks out there for you. If you decide not to keep the child, there are support groups that will help you get through the grieving process and counselors that you can speak with about your thoughts, fears, dreams, and hopes. If you decide to keep the baby, there are many, many charitable organizations that can help you through the tough times of pregnancy and infancy. Regardless of which choice you make, please reach out to people in your life, and to people outside of your social circle, if you need any help.

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs to you, my dear. Hope everything goes well.

 

[purselover]

Hi LittleMonster, I just wanted to send ***huge hugs*** your way, we''re all here for you.

 

[february2003bride]

Little Monster- I''m going through the same thing. I''m on (or was on) the pill and found out last Tuesday that I''m pregnant. Unfortunately for me, the pregnancy may be a loss. Whatever you choose, choose what is right for you. Your BF being so supportive makes a huge difference! Best of luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Lilac]

Just want to send some support to you! I''m sure this is very hard (although I am married now, DH and I are nowhere near ready for a baby and I worry about this happening to us sometimes) but it''s wonderful that your BF is being so supportive. He really sounds like a great guy. I''m sure you will make the right decision for the *two of you* and know we are all here for you to lend support if you need it. *Hugs*

 

[Camille]

I want to send my support as I''m pretty sure you two will find the ''right'' decision.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Little Monster,

Just wanted to give my support. I am glad that your BF is so understanding. Only you and your BF know what the best decision is right for you.

 

[Deelight]

LM you guys will make the decision that is right for the both of you - No matter what anyone tells you it is up to you guys in the end it your lives that will be impacted either way. I don''t blame you for being scared I know I would be - you sound like you have a wonderful partner who wants to support you and be considerate of how you feel.

I have no words of wisdom but I offer my support, hugs and a listening supportive ear.

*BIG HUGS*

 

[natalina]

LM: Just wanted to offer my support. I think if I were you, one of my biggest concerns would be to ensure that my BF and I are on the same page about how to proceed, since it sounds as though you guys have a great relationship that very well may stand the test of time. Like some others have said, I think it''s wonderful of him to say the choice is yours, but he really needs to do some soul searching and weigh in on his feelings, too. I would be worried that otherwise, it may become an issue between you in the future (whatever decision you make). Ultimately, of course, it is your body and your choice, but you need to know his real feelings. However, anyone else''s opinion shouldn''t matter. This is between the two of you, and only you guys can decide what is right.
FWIW, I also have friends that have been through both options (abortion and having an unplanned baby), and each of them would say that they wouldn''t change their decision. For the two that had abortions, they said the procedure was relatively painless, just like heavy period cramps and they did not have general anasthesia.
I wish you all the best, and will be thinking of you.