pregnant & scared

[Little Monster]

I just wanted to see if anyone else had gone through this, and if so, what you ended up doing, or how you got through it. I am so scared right now that I really don''t know who to talk to - so I''m turning to you ladies.

I just found out I''m pregnant (2 positive HPT -- need a blood test to be sure though false positives are pretty rare, right?) This was completely unintended - I''m on BCP and have been really good about taking them at the same time every day & haven''t missed any pills.

My BF and I have been living together for about 5 months now, and have been together for 2 years. We''ve talked about kids, but way, way down the line. This is definitely NOT what we were planning. I''ve still got a year of grad school left & don''t have a very good job right now & really lousy health insurance... Even just getting an annual exam is a huge expense.

I am so scared right now it''s not even funny. I''m not the kind of person who has dreamed about having kids since I was little. It always seemed like maybe something I''d want later, just certainly not now. I just feel like the most un-motherly person ever.

I just start freaking out trying to read through some of the information about different abortion techniques -- which is ridiculous since I''m in nursing school. Then again, I can take all the blood & guts you can throw at me, but somehow the idea of painful OB/GYN procedures just leaves me sick to my stomach (which remarkably I haven''t really been).

I just literally cannot picture our lives with a baby in 7 or 8 months. I don''t know anyone who has gone through this and don''t really have anyone to turn to. I haven''t told my boyfriend yet (I just found out last night and he''s been working a 48-hour shift at work). I am scared to tell him - I feel awful because he trusts me to take my pills & I''ve been doing that religiously, and yet here I am. He''s not going to be angry -- just scared like me. I know this isn''t what he is planning for either.

I''m not asking what I should do -- of course you can''t tell me that - I''m just trying to see if there''s anyone else out there who has been through this and has any words of wisdom...

 

[Kaleigh]

You really need to talk to your BF. I know it''s a shock, it will be for him as well. But the two of you will work through this and decide what you want to do. It''s such a personal thing and can''t say what to do.
But wish you well in the days ahead, while you decide how to proceed.

 

[Lauren8211]

Ok, I''m going to put myself out there... and I''m well aware that I''ll get judged by some, but I have been there, and did choose to have an abortion. Yup. There it is.

I know what you''re going through, and it is TERRIFYING. I know I made the right choice for me and for my boyfriend at the time. I don''t regret it one bit.

If there''s ANYTHING that I can answer for you, let me know. It''s a very personal choice, and I would never want to sway you one way or another, but if you need answers from someone who made that particular decision, I''ll be happy to answer what I can.

*hugs*

 

[VRBeauty]

Date: 8/29/2009 4:32:34 PM
Author: Kaleigh
You really need to talk to your BF. I know it''s a shock, it will be for him as well. But the two of you will work through this and decide what you want to do. It''s such a personal thing and can''t say what to do.

But wish you well in the days ahead, while you decide how to proceed.

Ditto.

 

[somethingshiny]

I know several ladies who''ve been in your shoes. One of my closest friends chose to keep the baby and ended up getting married when their little girl was a few months old. A cousin ended up marrying the father when their daughter was 1 and were divorced when she was 12 (with 2 other daughters too). My sis married her BF when she was about 7 months pregnant and just got divorced 2 years later. I have 2 other cousins who chose to have the babies and not get married. Several years later they are with different men. One of my family members chose to have an abortion and ended up getting married to the father a couple years later. And, I know 2 girls who gave their babies up for adoption.

None of the above were in good financial situations. They all figured it out. Whether or not the relationship worked out, ALL of them are happy with the choices they made with their children.

Good luck in figuring out what''s right for you.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''ve had an abortion and it was completely painless. There is nothing to be scared about if that is the decision you choose. You''ll have your period afterwards (perhaps a little heavier than normal). I understand your shock. I was on birth control at the time myself. That''s what it means when they say 98% effective. 2 out of 100 of us are going to get pregnant anyway

Good luck and peace with whatever you decide.

 

[mtjoya]

I think that you should talk to your BF and take it from there. I understand that this is a very scary situation especially if your not prepared. I was scared and shocked when I found out that I was pregnant and was scared to proceed. I was terrified to tell my mom and the rest of my family because they tend to be traditional and the thought of me telling them that I am pregnant and not married was something that I wasn''t ready to do.

Talk to your BF and look at your options. I hope that you feel better!

 

[fieryred33143]

Ditto everyone that says to make sure to talk to your bf and go from there. Pregnancy when you aren''t prepared for it is a really scary thing. When I found out I was pregnant, I sat on my bathroom floor for hours crying my eyes out. I made the decision I felt was best for me even though some didn''t agree (I have a baby but am not married). I wish you all the best.

There was a thread on BWW with someone that went through the same situation. I am going to try to find it for you. There was a lot of support on that thread and I''m sure hearing those words will benefit you as well. Good luck!

 

[KimberlyH]

Just wanted to offer some support. No choice you make will be easy, but you will survive this. I hope you find your biggest source of comfort and help in your boyfriend.

 

[vespergirl]

I''m so sorry to hear about your situation - I know how scary it can be to find yourself unintentionally pregnant. I was in a very similar situation to yours 3 years ago - my boyfriend and I had been together for 2 years, and living together for 9 months, when I became pregnant while we were using condoms. However, we were in a very financially stable position at the time, and I''m guessing older than you guys (I was 29, he was 34).

I could have honestly gone either way with the pregnancy at the time, depending on my then-boyfriend''s reaction. If he was going to be upset about it and not want to get married, I don''t know if I would have had the baby - I know that I never wanted to be a single mother (I have several friends who have done that, and their lives are VERY hard). However, my then-boyfriend was great, ecstatic about the pregnancy, proposed immediately, and we got married 7 weeks later. We are now a happy family. However, I do want to reiterate that the two of us had been talking marriage and kids in the near future anyway, and we were very financially stable, so there wasn''t any sacrifice involved in having a child together (trying to do it on my own would have been a totally different story).

Anyway, the moral of the story is that since you guys have been together two years, you should tell him and try to arrive to your decision together. I think that whatever feels like the best decision for the two of you at this point in your lives is the right decision. Whether you have an abortion, give the baby up for adoption, or decide to keep it, is a personal decision that you should discuss together, but ultimately the buck stops with you and only you can decide what is best for you.

I just want to offer my sympathy and support and this difficult time.

 

[Pandora II]

First a huge hug and I''m not suprised that you are scared.

I have had LOADS of friends go through this - and I would say that 90% of them chose not to keep the pregnancy. Honestly, they were all so relieved when it was all over and none of them found it a particularly painful procedure - they all had early surgical terminations with a general anaesthetic. Home 3 hours later and just had to take things easy for a few days.

Having just had a baby 3 months ago, I think you need to both be really on board with the idea - pregnancy can be very tough, and I just couldn''t imagine going through that, a birth and then the early months of a baby if I wasn''t 100% ready emotionally and financially and happy about it all.

I''m extremely pro-choice which obviously colours my views

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Oh Little Monster. It''s okay to be afraid. I think, given the situation, its a perfectly normal reaction. ((huge hug))

First of all, I agree with everyone who said "tell your boyfriend". It''s an absolute must. You shouldn''t be shouldering this alone, telling him may give you some relief. I am sure that, in and of itself, must be scary...considering that both you aren''t in the place where this baby would be "good news"...but the thing is, he''s your partner and he''s going to have your back--he loves you. This will go from being a secret to being something you''re together in, whatever you choose.

You and only you can know what the right choice is. I think in todays world many of us know girls/women who have found themselves where you are right now...and I think many of us know that in this situation many girls/women have chosen to have abortions. It''s a choice--and it''s valid if it''s something you want to explore. I really admire your courage to talk about this...it''s very brave of you.

I just want you to know that I wish you the best. I cannot begin to say that enough. I know right now you''re scared, and you''re unsure...but I know you''re going to be just fine, whatever you decide have faith in yourself, trust yourself. ((huge hug, again)) Keep us posted okay? I''ll be thinking about you.

 

[Little Monster]

thank you guys so much - you have no idea how much your responses mean to me! this is definitely one of those situations that reminds me why having mostly male friends can be a problem!

kaleigh -- I just wanted to let you know that when I wrote this, I was definitely 100% going to tell my BF before making ANY type of decision -- I didn't tell him immediately because he has been on a long tour at work -- lots of overtime right before the summer ends! I certainly didn't want to tell him on the phone, and telling him at work seemed wrong too. He is 100% a part of this -- no worries!

My BF called a little while after I wrote this thread & he immediately knew something was up. He said to come down to work so we could talk. Fortunately they didn't have any calls for a while & we were able to talk without any interruptions. He knew pretty immediately what was wrong - that man frightens me sometimes with how well he reads me.

I was a little surprised at his reaction actually. He said it was 100% my decision (something I sort of question actually -- it's exactly 1/2 his kid!) and he would completely support me either way and come to any type of appointments I had to make, good or bad. He seemed a lot less nervous or overwhelmed than I would have thought. He took it all in stride - everything happens for a reason, everything will work out no matter what. We'll make it work if you want it.

We're going to talk a lot more when we're both home at the same time Monday night. Obviously a huge decision to makes so we've got a lot of thinking & talking to do.

Again - I really appreciate you ladies replying on a Saturday night... definitely calmed me down a bit (as did telling my BF). My favorite line of the conversation was my BF's response that he must have 'super-sperm' to get past the pill

Anything to make me smile in the midst of crying!

 

[Kaleigh]

Glad we could be of help to you. Your BF sounds like a great guy. You two will get through this, just fine. Best wishes going foward.

 

[Little Monster]

Kaleigh -- thanks again -- I just saw that you have a broken rib

that must have been a lousy sailboat trip. I have no experience with broken ribs personally... just have seen enough to know not to make you laugh or cough... I wish you the speediest bone recovery possible!

 

[cellososweet]

It sounds like you''ve got a good guy on your side. Try and talk to him further to see what it is that he would like to do. It always makes me leery when people say "it''s up to you." This has to be a decision you both make or else he might resent you for making a decision he didn''t really agree with at heart. I''m really glad that you got a positive reaction. That must have made things seem a little better at least, knowing that he will support you either way.

Whatever you chose, I hope that it is a choice that you will be happy with. What''s that saying about life being what happens when you are making plans for something else?

 

[ladypirate]

*hugs* Little Monster. Just know that whatever you choose, we will be here behind you 100%. It''s great that your bf is being so supportive.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 8/29/2009 8:10:36 PM
Author: Little Monster
thank you guys so much - you have no idea how much your responses mean to me! this is definitely one of those situations that reminds me why having mostly male friends can be a problem!

kaleigh -- I just wanted to let you know that when I wrote this, I was definitely 100% going to tell my BF before making ANY type of decision -- I didn''t tell him immediately because he has been on a long tour at work -- lots of overtime right before the summer ends! I certainly didn''t want to tell him on the phone, and telling him at work seemed wrong too. He is 100% a part of this -- no worries!

My BF called a little while after I wrote this thread & he immediately knew something was up. He said to come down to work so we could talk. Fortunately they didn''t have any calls for a while & we were able to talk without any interruptions. He knew pretty immediately what was wrong - that man frightens me sometimes with how well he reads me.

I was a little surprised at his reaction actually. He said it was 100% my decision (something I sort of question actually -- it''s exactly 1/2 his kid!) and he would completely support me either way and come to any type of appointments I had to make, good or bad. He seemed a lot less nervous or overwhelmed than I would have thought. He took it all in stride - everything happens for a reason, everything will work out no matter what. We''ll make it work if you want it.

We''re going to talk a lot more when we''re both home at the same time Monday night. Obviously a huge decision to makes so we''ve got a lot of thinking & talking to do.

Again - I really appreciate you ladies replying on a Saturday night... definitely calmed me down a bit (as did telling my BF). My favorite line of the conversation was my BF''s response that he must have ''super-sperm'' to get past the pill

Anything to make me smile in the midst of crying!

I am so proud of you for telling him right away as opposed to letting this weigh on you all weekend.

I am also impressed with his attitude. I think the reason he''s letting you take lead on this is because you''re upset, obviously and you have a lot going on in your mind and in your body right now. If he were to come in taking a hard stance, either for or against, it would only stand to stress you out and complicate things. Instead, he''s being a loving, understanding boyfriend who knows that you need to come to some sort of decision for yourself--uncomplicated by outside forces, even when its the baby''s father. This is a luxury not all women have, and you''re so fortunate to have that support from him, just knowing that regardless of what happens you''ll be supported--thats a wonderful thing.

((hugs again))...

 

[*Danielle*]

I have never been in your situation but can only imagine how difficult it is. I am truly glad that you have such a supportive partner and level head. No matter what choice you make, everything will be ok.

Hugs!

 

[Jas12]

*hugs* to you.
I haven''t been in your situation, but have had to make some difficult decisions in other areas in my life and the one thing i learned is to make it based truly on what *you/partner* feel. In other words, don''t worry about what family, friends, employers etc. will think of you. I believe regret comes from making a decision that you weren''t fully on-board with. You sound like you have a great, supportive BF and if you intend to be together in the long term, his input is important and the decision should be what is best for the two of you at this stage in life.

 

[KimberlyH]

LM, I am so glad that your boyfriend is being supportive and thoughtful of you. The two of you will come to the right decision for you together. My continued best to the both of you.

 

[Black Jade]

Hugs to you. Of course you''re scared. This is a big change in your life and knocks your plans awry and makes you feel things are out of control, which is scary. I could relate when you said that you couldn''t picture yourself with a baby--of course that''s hard when it wasn''t in the plan and the plan was so tidy and organized. I''m a person who likes to plan and to know what is coming up and likes to feel in control, too. I went to graduate school also and know how much work is involved as you draw near the end. And having been pregnant three times (the last time accidentally and I was NOT happy about it), I can also tell you that hormones are going crazy in your body right now and driving a lot of your emotions in ways that you don''t quite understand.

The thing is, though--the baby is already conceived. This is something that is not always made clear to women in your position--a lot of language is used that tends to obscure the fact that by the time you realize you are pregnant, that''s already a real little human being there inside of you. If you''re 4 weeks pregnant, she or he is 1/4 inch long and their heart and digestive system has begun to form. If you''re 8 weeks, the baby''s heart is functioning and it''s moving, though you can''t feel it yet. It''s eyes and nose and teeth are forming. This is not an opinion--this is scientific fact. Google ''fetal development'' and you will find a lot of sites with pictures and slideshows that will show you what is happening inside of you to this tiny human being who is partly you and partly your boyfriend but who is not really either of you--but already a person on their own. Although they cannot yet survive outside of you. It is an enormous decision that you make when you decide to take this little person''s life, which is what abortion does. There is not really any argument about that fact--all of the arguments in favor of abortion are arguments that there are reasons why this is ''necessary'' sometimes--no one denies that that is what is happening. Is is really necessary in your case? Is it really something you want to do? These ''inconvenient'' babies can be a real blessing to you--I have seen that definitely in the case of my son, who was conceived somehow after years and years of using birth control that never failed--until I was just about to start my dream job. I have also seen this at the crisis pregnancy which my husband and I are involved with in our neighborhood as women in much more fragile condition than you are--women who are very young, or sometimes non-English speaking immigrants, or who don''t have men who stay with them ro all kinds of things, decide to have their babies and find that they love the babies and that they are able to care for them. And that this does not mean the end of their dreams. when I was in grad school, my roomate had a baby out of wedlock in the middle of her final year. She cared for him and graduated with him in her arms. He is 29 years old this year. It is some years since I have been in touch with them, but the last time I saw them, he was a handsome, intelligent and happy teenager who had not interfered with his mother''s dreams at all--she did law school after grad school, travelled to Asia and Africa with him in tow and was very happy that he was her son.

I am involved with the crisis pregnancy center now--I must be completely transparent with you and tell you that I used to have a job, not at an abortion clinic, but at a lab where they sent the ''products'' of abortions back in the 70''s when the ''procedure'' first began to be done. This was where they checked to make sure that ''everything'' had been ''removed'' from the mother. These were all very early abortions done by vacuum suction and there were no recognizable body parts or anything to trouble my sleep with and I was a very committed feminist at this time and so I placidly spent two years labelling the bloody bottles with the numbers on the mother''s paperwork and thought nothing much of it. I don''t make excuses for myself--but this was also before the technology was available to see, as you can with modern ultrasound and the cameras that they use now when they do surgery on pre-born babies to cure various illnesses and so forth--before the technology was available to see that at 6 weeks or 8 weeks a baby is not ''a clump of cells'' or ''potential life'' or whatever else but an actual developing child. the first time I saw an very young baby in the womb, I was pregnant myself and I am sure I shocked the technician very much by sitting up on the table and saying, ''but it''s alive, I can see it moving, it''s a real baby''--and then starting to cry. Because--I don''t know how much on purpose--I had denied that to myself so long.

Anyway, I make that confession to tell you that I am in no position to judge anyone who has had an abortion, and that is not the purpose of my post. I guess I am writing to you because this is information that I wish I had had, before I made certain decisions. And I do think that it''s better to have the truth before you decide something, rather than to find it out later and then regret that you didn''t know. Your post sounded as if you were a person who is very honest with herself at all times, even when it is painful. I am sorry that things are painful for you right now. But it sounds as if there are many things in your situation which are positive, even with this surprise which you did not plan confusing you and forcing you to make decisions that are difficult. Blessings to you.

 

[neatfreak]

Black Jade-She''s looking for support. She doesn''t need judgement no matter how you try to veil it as giving her "information."

LM: Sounds like you have a great man on your hands. Take some time, think it through, and do what is right for you and your BF right now. No matter what it is.

 

[packrat]

Little Monster, just wanted to send you some hugs. I''m glad you got the conversation started with your boyfriend!

 

[kama_s]

Little Monster, I can''t imagine what you''re going through right now. The decision you make, whatever may it be, is a tremendously dificult one. I''m so glad you and your boyfriend are in this together. Lots of hugs to you.

Remember, don''t let people bully you into thinking there is a wrong vs. right way to this. The right choice for you would be whatever is best for you and your partner.

 

[lovegem]

EDIT: just saw that you and your bf talked after I typed this message. Good to hear that you are going to be ok.

Dito the others that you have to talk to your BF. It is not your fault that you got pregnant. I don't have this kind of experience to share with you, but you should calm down and talk to your bf about it and sit on the idea for couple days and think it over. Don't rush to things that you may regret later. I hope you and your bf can work out a solution.

A friend of mine went through abortion and she said it wasn't that bad. She was determined not to have kids at that time so she's mentally prepared.

I do not want kids now. However, if an accident did occur and I got pregnant I would keep the baby. I think an abortion is a scary thing for me to undergo so I may as well have the baby (that's bad reasoning, I know). Also, we have good health insurance and our kids can easily be added to my husband's plan.

 

[chiquitapet]

Little Monster, I just wanted to send lots of hugs your way. I`m glad your BF is so supportive and reasonable. It`ll make it much easier for both of you no matter which way you decide to go in the end.

 

[cellososweet]

Date: 8/29/2009 10:52:03 PM
Author: neatfreak
Black Jade-She''s looking for support. She doesn''t need judgement no matter how you try to veil it as giving her ''information.''

LM: Sounds like you have a great man on your hands. Take some time, think it through, and do what is right for you and your BF right now. No matter what it is.

I just have to second this. Don''t let people sway you with their personal stances on things like this. This is your decision that you need to make for your life. And trust me, I''m probably on the opposite side of the pro/anti choice than you think based on what I just said. The point is that this is your life. Not mine, not anyone elses. I can have my opinions, but they are for me and my life and it''s not my position to push them on anyone else. Anyone can google and get any sort of "info" they want, they don''t need me for that. The only thing you need is support and a big fat hug!

I hope you have a good rest of the weekend. Spend time with your BF. Hold each other. Cry if you need to. (((hug))))

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/29/2009 11:22:21 PM
Author: cellososweet

Date: 8/29/2009 10:52:03 PM
Author: neatfreak
Black Jade-She''s looking for support. She doesn''t need judgement no matter how you try to veil it as giving her ''information.''

LM: Sounds like you have a great man on your hands. Take some time, think it through, and do what is right for you and your BF right now. No matter what it is.

I just have to second this. Don''t let people sway you with their personal stances on things like this. This is your decision that you need to make for your life. And trust me, I''m probably on the opposite side of the pro/anti choice than you think based on what I just said. The point is that this is your life. Not mine, not anyone elses. I can have my opinions, but they are for me and my life and it''s not my position to push them on anyone else. Anyone can google and get any sort of ''info'' they want, they don''t need me for that. The only thing you need is support and a big fat hug!

I hope you have a good rest of the weekend. Spend time with your BF. Hold each other. Cry if you need to. (((hug))))

+1, well said.

 

[*Danielle*]

I think we should all just ignore Blackjade''s personal opinion as this is a support thread, not a debate.


Again, hugs for what you are going through and no matter what decision you make I am sure it will be right for you.