Poll - Inheritance for Illegitimate Child?

[TooPatient]

In the UK, under current law, they would be entitled to nothing IF the father had left a will and it didn't name the child. If the father died intestate then the child would need to prove paternity and then fight the case in the courts - which wouldn't be worth it unless the estate was worth a lot.

If the father was married it is more than likely that the bulk of his estate, bar a few small personal gifts, will have passed to his wife and so it will become her assets to leave as she wishes after her death.

Should they be morally entitled? Not sure... the man's own children may well have done without both in financial terms and in terms of time with their father if he was busy setting up a business or something and they would have in some ways 'earnt' the rewards of their inheritance. They have also had a relationship with the man whereas the other child has no knowledge of the person. I'd be more inclined to say that I think it would be nice for them to inherit a share if they were still a young child. If they are a middle-aged adult then I think it's a bit ridiculous and they should have thought about seeking their parent out when they were still alive not now after they are dead.

ETA: I never said that I would 'hate' the child. I would just not wish to see them or have them as part of my life. I'd probably hate the mother, I might get past hating my husband for the sake of our own children but I would be merely indifferent towards the child. I know what I feel isn't a 'popular' choice but I'm trying to be brutally honest rather than just saying what I think is probably right on paper.

Um, the highlighter bit certainly wasn't right on paper...

Sorry... In England! Forgot that you Scots have your own laws.

Vsc - that's very interesting - I'd never thought of it in that way.

I did put the scenario to a couple of female friends and all of them reacted the way that I did. So it may well be that because we have free contraception, free morning-after pills, free abortion (and there's not really any great dramas here with pro-life/pro-choice - the vast majority of our politicians are pro-choice) that it would be seen more as the mother of the child very much choosing the path and on her shoulders be it.

Most of my friends reckoned that she would have got pregnant deliberately and if she then kept the child it would be because she either wanted to split up the marriage or wanted money.

Not just an England thing --- I am in the US and agree with you completely. I've also mentioned this to several women who all agree.


Maybe it is more of a life experience thing? Those who have actually seen stuff like this or other similar ideas of life may be more able to put themselves in that situation (mentally) while those who are freshly married or who have not seen situations like this are unable to really put themselves there.

 

[Trekkie]

In the UK, under current law, they would be entitled to nothing IF the father had left a will and it didn't name the child. If the father died intestate then the child would need to prove paternity and then fight the case in the courts - which wouldn't be worth it unless the estate was worth a lot.

If the father was married it is more than likely that the bulk of his estate, bar a few small personal gifts, will have passed to his wife and so it will become her assets to leave as she wishes after her death.

Should they be morally entitled? Not sure... the man's own children may well have done without both in financial terms and in terms of time with their father if he was busy setting up a business or something and they would have in some ways 'earnt' the rewards of their inheritance. They have also had a relationship with the man whereas the other child has no knowledge of the person. I'd be more inclined to say that I think it would be nice for them to inherit a share if they were still a young child. If they are a middle-aged adult then I think it's a bit ridiculous and they should have thought about seeking their parent out when they were still alive not now after they are dead.

ETA: I never said that I would 'hate' the child. I would just not wish to see them or have them as part of my life. I'd probably hate the mother, I might get past hating my husband for the sake of our own children but I would be merely indifferent towards the child. I know what I feel isn't a 'popular' choice but I'm trying to be brutally honest rather than just saying what I think is probably right on paper.

Um, the highlighter bit certainly wasn't right on paper...

Sorry... In England! Forgot that you Scots have your own laws.

Vsc - that's very interesting - I'd never thought of it in that way.

I did put the scenario to a couple of female friends and all of them reacted the way that I did. So it may well be that because we have free contraception, free morning-after pills, free abortion (and there's not really any great dramas here with pro-life/pro-choice - the vast majority of our politicians are pro-choice) that it would be seen more as the mother of the child very much choosing the path and on her shoulders be it.

Most of my friends reckoned that she would have got pregnant deliberately and if she then kept the child it would be because she either wanted to split up the marriage or wanted money.

Not just an England thing --- I am in the US and agree with you completely. I've also mentioned this to several women who all agree.


Maybe it is more of a life experience thing? Those who have actually seen stuff like this or other similar ideas of life may be more able to put themselves in that situation (mentally) while those who are freshly married or who have not seen situations like this are unable to really put themselves there.

Hmmm. Maybe this is true.

I'm not married yet, but I am the product of an affair my dad had while he was married. My stepmother only found out about the affair (and me) when I was 5 years old. Yes, my dad and my stepmom are still married.

My stepmother has always been amazing to me. Never once made me feel less than her biological children. If anything, I've been more spoilt than my brothers (her biological children) because I'm the only girl. Whenever people ask about why or how she is able to not hate me, she simply says, "I always wanted a daughter".

 

[mayerling]

My stepmother has always been amazing to me. Never once made me feel less than her biological children. If anything, I've been more spoilt than my brothers (her biological children) because I'm the only girl. Whenever people ask about why or how she is able to not hate me, she simply says, "I always wanted a daughter".

I think she's an admirable woman.

 

[Trekkie]

My stepmother has always been amazing to me. Never once made me feel less than her biological children. If anything, I've been more spoilt than my brothers (her biological children) because I'm the only girl. Whenever people ask about why or how she is able to not hate me, she simply says, "I always wanted a daughter".

I think she's an admirable woman.

Yes, she's amazing. I'm very lucky.

This thread reinforces just how lucky I am.

 

[Jennifer W]

Trekkie, I'm glad you have her in your life, she sounds amazing.

 

[Pandora II]

I think it's great that your step-mother has been able to act towards you this way.

Just out of interest - and don't feel you need to answer any of these.

- how does she act towards your mother?
- did you see your father on a regular basis when you were a child - did he first find out when you were 5 or did he know all along?
- how does your mother feel about your relationship with your father and stepmother?

 

[Trekkie]

I think it's great that your step-mother has been able to act towards you this way.

Just out of interest - and don't feel you need to answer any of these.

You're more than welcome to ask anything you like. I'm quite open about this.

- how does she act towards your mother?
My stepmom would drive 90 minutes to fetch me from my mother's house on a Friday afternoon and then drive back again (then usually with my dad or one of my brothers but not always) to drop me off on a Sunday evening. Whenever they did the drop off and pick ups they were very polite to each other. Not friendly, but very polite. My stepmom gets along like a house on fire with my maternal grandmother. They're very close in age and temperament and used to swap knitting patterns. Now they swap arthritis remedies. Whenever my gran goes overseas she returns with something nice for my dad and my stepmom (usually spices - she tells them it's to liven up their bland English cooking! ) and my stepmom takes my gran flowers from time to time.

- did you see your father on a regular basis when you were a child - did he first find out when you were 5 or did he know all along?
My dad knew all along. He and my mother were together for two years before I was born. My stepmom only found out about me when my dad and my mother split up when I was 5. By then my dad and my mother had been together for 7 years.

Once my stepmom knew about me she made sure I was included in family holidays etc and spent as much time with the family as possible. They attempted to gain custody of me when I was 6 but they lost the case, partly due to South African law in the late eighties, early nineties.

- how does your mother feel about your relationship with your father and stepmother?
My mother was always very polite to/about my stepmother. Occasionally mean towards my father. My mother was mentally ill (schizophrenia) and as her condition worsened I spent more and more time with my dad and my stepmother. She never stopped me from seeing them but I can imagine she wasn't very happy about it. I honestly don't know how she felt and she's dead now so I can't exactly ask her.

It sounds bizarre but it's how I grew up. My mother targeted my father because he was a wealthy older white guy, very British and very cultured. My father liked that my mother was young and witty and exotically beautiful. The fact that their relationship was not only illicit but actually downright illegal in South Africa at the time probably made it even more exciting for them.

It was far from idyllic but this was my reality. People often wonder how my stepmom stayed with my dad the way she did and some make snide remarks about their finances (they're quite well off) but I know it took a lot of hard work for them to make their marriage work, including separate bedrooms for years. My stepmom knew my dad would never go back to my mother. She knew she wanted her sons to grow up with a father present in their lives. She couldn't have any more children and she had always wanted a daughter. So they made their relationship work.

Today they're very happy together and I can't believe that they nearly divorced because of my existence.

 

[Pandora II]

Thanks for answering.

Wow, that must have been quite a shock to your stepmother - had they been married a long time before he met your mother?

Thinking about how you have explained your situation, I think if I was in your stepmother's shoes where my husband had already had a 5 year relationship with the child from birth I would have to take the same steps as she did for the sake of everyone. It would be unfair to stop a father and child who already had an established relationship from seeing each other.

I think it's easier to be more selfish (and I agree that my stance is selfish) if you find out that your husband has had an affair and the woman is now pregnant - so before any kind of relationship had been established.

 

[Trekkie]

Thanks for answering.

Wow, that must have been quite a shock to your stepmother - had they been married a long time before he met your mother?

Thinking about how you have explained your situation, I think if I was in your stepmother's shoes where my husband had already had a 5 year relationship with the child from birth I would have to take the same steps as she did for the sake of everyone. It would be unfair to stop a father and child who already had an established relationship from seeing each other.

I think it's easier to be more selfish (and I agree that my stance is selfish) if you find out that your husband has had an affair and the woman is now pregnant - so before any kind of relationship had been established.

By the time she found out about me they'd been married for more than 20 years. They had left England together in the sixties and created a new life together here in South Africa. It was a huge shock to her to find out.

I don't know what I would do in that situation. I think a 7 year affair would be enough to end the marriage. But again, I don't know. I don't think anyone does if they haven't been in that position. Even then, people vary. There is no 'one size fits all' solution.

Again, I applaud your honesty. It's easy to give the 'right' answer but it's far more difficult to give a truthful answer.