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Poll - Inheritance for Illegitimate Child?

Inheritance for illegitimate child?

  • Nothing - why should another woman's child have a share of what we worked towards together?

    Votes: 19 26.4%
  • Half of what my own children are getting - after all, half of what we have is my husband's, isn't it

    Votes: 12 16.7%
  • A share equal to that of my own children - the child is not responsible for how she came into the wo

    Votes: 29 40.3%
  • Other - I will explain below.

    Votes: 3 4.2%
  • I really don't care - just show me the results, please!

    Votes: 9 12.5%

  • Total voters
    72
  • Poll closed .

iheartscience

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NovemberBride|1308845819|2952964 said:
I have to say, I am shocked by the number of PS'ers who say they would want their husband to have nothing to do with a child born as the result of an extra-marital affair. While I don't know what I would do in this situation (I'd like to say I'd leave, but real life is much less black and white), I would not condition my staying on my husband having nothing to do with his child. In fact, it is just the opposite. I would not want to be married to a man that would want nothing to do with a child he fathered. I would never be with a man who had children that he did not take care of both financially and emotionally. A man who can just walk away from a child is not a man I would want anything to do with, let alone love. If this happened in my marriage, we would have a lot bigger issues than who inherits our estate. That said, I think the right thing to do is for the child to get an equal share of the husband's share of the estate.

Ditto all of this. 2 wrongs don't make a right! I would never be with a man who abandoned his children, no matter what the reason.
 

Haven

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diva rose|1308839750|2952883 said:
Really hard question because I would not want to stay with someone who cheated on me.

In this case for some crazy reason, I decide to stay married to him ~ inheritance will depend on how involved we are as a couple with the illegitimate child. If we are not involved with the child's life - I won't give him/her anything.
I don't think being related by blood means you are family. Hence if we are not involved, nothing will be given.

If we were involved, inheritance money amount will be based on how close my partner is with the child.
However, no matter how close, the illegitimate child won't be getting as much as my children because he/she is not my responsibility.
I feel the same way as Diva Rose.

I really don't feel like anyone should be entitled to an inheritance simply because he is his father's child. I think it should be up to the individual whether he wants to leave anything to each of his children.
 

kama_s

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NovemberBride|1308845819|2952964 said:
I have to say, I am shocked by the number of PS'ers who say they would want their husband to have nothing to do with a child born as the result of an extra-marital affair. While I don't know what I would do in this situation (I'd like to say I'd leave, but real life is much less black and white), I would not condition my staying on my husband having nothing to do with his child. In fact, it is just the opposite. I would not want to be married to a man that would want nothing to do with a child he fathered. I would never be with a man who had children that he did not take care of both financially and emotionally. A man who can just walk away from a child is not a man I would want anything to do with, let alone love. If this happened in my marriage, we would have a lot bigger issues than who inherits our estate. That said, I think the right thing to do is for the child to get an equal share of the husband's share of the estate.

You have such a fantastic way with words. I wish you replied before I did, because I wholeheartedly ditto your entire post.
 

Bliss

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That poor kid is innocent. I'd have big issues with the child's mother (and my husband!!!), but not with the child. I would want the child who was deprived of a father to inherit the same as my children or maybe slightly less. If I stayed with the father, that means I love him - and loving him means loving all parts of him. I can see loving his child, too - once the wounds heal. I would want the child to have a relationship with his or her father to some degree. A child is innocent and I feel that karma works in mysterious ways. I think if I shut out the child, I would be hurting the world because I feel we are all connected in one way or another. Weird, I know...but it's how I feel. My life and petty issues are so dwarfed by the greater picture of this child's life and future. I don't know. I would like to believe I would step up to what I believe in and not make the child suffer for the adult's sins.
 

artdecogirl

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NovemberBride|1308845819|2952964 said:
I have to say, I am shocked by the number of PS'ers who say they would want their husband to have nothing to do with a child born as the result of an extra-marital affair. While I don't know what I would do in this situation (I'd like to say I'd leave, but real life is much less black and white), I would not condition my staying on my husband having nothing to do with his child. In fact, it is just the opposite. I would not want to be married to a man that would want nothing to do with a child he fathered. I would never be with a man who had children that he did not take care of both financially and emotionally. A man who can just walk away from a child is not a man I would want anything to do with, let alone love. If this happened in my marriage, we would have a lot bigger issues than who inherits our estate. That said, I think the right thing to do is for the child to get an equal share of the husband's share of the estate.[/quote

Totally agree with this, well said novemberbride.
 

suchende

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I almost hesitate to post, because I am not married (yet) and don't have children (yet), but...

If BF fathered a child, I would 1) want to adopt it into our family, and if the birth mother wouldn't go for that 2) want the child to have the same relationship and rights with its father as our children had. I Now, if I could be as rational as I hope I would be? I am not sure.

I grew up in a "mixed" family, and I have so so much respect for all my parents, ex-step, step and bio, for putting their feelings aside and making sure the kids had good relationships with all their relatives. In fact, my half-siblings who are unrelated to each other even have a relationship.
 

Trekkie

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kama_s|1308848211|2952999 said:
NovemberBride|1308845819|2952964 said:
I have to say, I am shocked by the number of PS'ers who say they would want their husband to have nothing to do with a child born as the result of an extra-marital affair. While I don't know what I would do in this situation (I'd like to say I'd leave, but real life is much less black and white), I would not condition my staying on my husband having nothing to do with his child. In fact, it is just the opposite. I would not want to be married to a man that would want nothing to do with a child he fathered. I would never be with a man who had children that he did not take care of both financially and emotionally. A man who can just walk away from a child is not a man I would want anything to do with, let alone love. If this happened in my marriage, we would have a lot bigger issues than who inherits our estate. That said, I think the right thing to do is for the child to get an equal share of the husband's share of the estate.

You have such a fantastic way with words. I wish you replied before I did, because I wholeheartedly ditto your entire post.

Thritto!
 

Pandora II

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As someone who would want them cut out completely my reasoning is as follows: it is hard enough to pay a mortgage, bills etc and give your child the kind of upbringing you would like for them without extra payments going out for something like this. I waited till my late 30's to have a child because I wanted to be able to provide certain things. I will not compromise on those because my husband fathers a child with another woman - why should my child pay for what their father did?

Secondly, abortion is free and easily available in this country, there are also plenty of people looking to adopt. If the mother chooses to have the child then she should also expect to supply a standard of living that she is happy with. She is responsible for her child and the choices she has made.

If the child wanted to meet it's father at 18 and have some kind of relationship I wouldn't be averse to that - but I don't want to spend 18 years with the mother on the phone all the time and endless contact visits messing up our life.

Very hardhearted on my part I agree but that is the way I am when it comes to things like that.
 

AmeliaG

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Let's turn the situation around. How would you feel if your husband died and you found that he had left equal share to a child you never knew existed and for all intents and purposes, he never had a relationship with or even acknowledged in his lifetime.
 

NovemberBride

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Pandora|1308856638|2953139 said:
As someone who would want them cut out completely my reasoning is as follows: it is hard enough to pay a mortgage, bills etc and give your child the kind of upbringing you would like for them without extra payments going out for something like this. I waited till my late 30's to have a child because I wanted to be able to provide certain things. I will not compromise on those because my husband fathers a child with another woman - why should my child pay for what their father did?

Secondly, abortion is free and easily available in this country, there are also plenty of people looking to adopt. If the mother chooses to have the child then she should also expect to supply a standard of living that she is happy with. She is responsible for her child and the choices she has made.If the child wanted to meet it's father at 18 and have some kind of relationship I wouldn't be averse to that - but I don't want to spend 18 years with the mother on the phone all the time and endless contact visits messing up our life.

Very hardhearted on my part I agree but that is the way I am when it comes to things like that.

Pandora, in your opinion, is the father also not responsible for his child and the choices he has made (i.e. to have an affair that resulted in the birth of a child)? Are you truly suggesting that a woman who gets pregnant out of wedlock's only choice should be to have an abortion or provide for 100% of the child's needs herself?
 

TooPatient

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What about the cases where the woman lies about using birth control? (and don't tell me it doesn't happen because I know several men who had this happen to them --- one even had a gf go behind his back for IVF :-o )
 

iheartscience

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TooPatient|1308858305|2953167 said:
What about the cases where the woman lies about using birth control? (and don't tell me it doesn't happen because I know several men who had this happen to them --- one even had a gf go behind his back for IVF :-o )

Well it seems pretty obvious that a man willing to cheat on his wife and a woman willing to help him do that aren't the most trustworthy type of person. The man should wrap it up to ensure he does his part not to impregnate someone. Or you know-he could always just not have sex with people who aren't his wife.

ETA same goes for people who aren't cheaters. The only person you can truly rely on is yourself. This is why I doubt a male birth control pill would ever take off. I don't know many women who would be willing to accept the risk that the man might be lying about taking it. ;)) It takes 2 to tango, and both parties should do what they can to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. The onus shouldn't just be on the woman.
 

dragonfly411

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thing2of2|1308847580|2952989 said:
NovemberBride|1308845819|2952964 said:
I have to say, I am shocked by the number of PS'ers who say they would want their husband to have nothing to do with a child born as the result of an extra-marital affair. While I don't know what I would do in this situation (I'd like to say I'd leave, but real life is much less black and white), I would not condition my staying on my husband having nothing to do with his child. In fact, it is just the opposite. I would not want to be married to a man that would want nothing to do with a child he fathered. I would never be with a man who had children that he did not take care of both financially and emotionally. A man who can just walk away from a child is not a man I would want anything to do with, let alone love. If this happened in my marriage, we would have a lot bigger issues than who inherits our estate. That said, I think the right thing to do is for the child to get an equal share of the husband's share of the estate.

Ditto all of this. 2 wrongs don't make a right! I would never be with a man who abandoned his children, no matter what the reason.

But you'd stay with a man who fathered a child with another woman while you are married? That I couldn't live with. I'd walk away from the man, but bear no ill will towards the child. The child can't control the circumstances of being conceived.
 

NovemberBride

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dragonfly411|1308860529|2953207 said:
thing2of2|1308847580|2952989 said:
NovemberBride|1308845819|2952964 said:
I have to say, I am shocked by the number of PS'ers who say they would want their husband to have nothing to do with a child born as the result of an extra-marital affair. While I don't know what I would do in this situation (I'd like to say I'd leave, but real life is much less black and white), I would not condition my staying on my husband having nothing to do with his child. In fact, it is just the opposite. I would not want to be married to a man that would want nothing to do with a child he fathered. I would never be with a man who had children that he did not take care of both financially and emotionally. A man who can just walk away from a child is not a man I would want anything to do with, let alone love. If this happened in my marriage, we would have a lot bigger issues than who inherits our estate. That said, I think the right thing to do is for the child to get an equal share of the husband's share of the estate.

Ditto all of this. 2 wrongs don't make a right! I would never be with a man who abandoned his children, no matter what the reason.

But you'd stay with a man who fathered a child with another woman while you are married? That I couldn't live with. I'd walk away from the man, but bear no ill will towards the child. The child can't control the circumstances of being conceived.

Dragonfly,
I think you might be misunderstanding my post. I can't say with any certainty whether I'd stay or go. If I have to choose, I'd probably say I'd leave. But, I am not currently in that situation and it's much easier to say you would 100% leave when you are not in that situation. I love my Dh and most importantly, he is a wonderful dad to our DD, so it wouldn't be so easy to just walk away, because I'd be making a decision that affects both of us. The point of my post is that some posters were saying they would only stay with their DH if he abandoned the child. I was disagreeing with that viewpoint completely. If I stayed (or if I left) I would expect my DH or any real man to provide for ALL his children.
 

Black Jade

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Child is INNOCENT.

Child is already in a lousy position, due to no fault of their own and very probably did not get what the legitimate ones did in terms of care.

If you are going to leave anything to anybody not fair to leave them out. some people believe it is harmful to leave money to any children and would rather they make their own way, but that is a different story.

My father had two illegimate daughters, we made sure they got equal shares of everything when he died.

Also wnat to point out, if you're mad at your husband for cheating to the point that you want to leave, that's your prerogative--but in that case you are not 'the wife' when he dies so the point is moot. If you forgave him and then stayed with him and then take it out on the kid when he dies, then you didn't really forgive, did you?

All this is rather moot nowadays I would think anyway. From what I see on the judge shows, something more pertinent to warn people about is the perfect idiocy of mixing finances and buying expensive things for people that you're not married to yet, but living with--and whom you trust absolutely until maybe you don't get married (some do and some don't) and there is a lot of he-said, she-said--and no paperwork. also the absolute convulutedness of what happens to inheritances in cases of divorce and re-marriage (usually then I think the LEGITIMATE) kids of the first marriage get screwed over). Actually, with divorce and remarriage, you don't even have to wait to get screwed over when a parent dies. I personally knew of several kids unable to go to college or in college who had to drop out becasue parents were divorced/divorcing and both refused to pay anything, I don't know whether trying to get back at each other or whether stepparents were involved, but boy was it ugly.
 

Pandora II

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NovemberBride|1308857777|2953158 said:
Pandora|1308856638|2953139 said:
As someone who would want them cut out completely my reasoning is as follows: it is hard enough to pay a mortgage, bills etc and give your child the kind of upbringing you would like for them without extra payments going out for something like this. I waited till my late 30's to have a child because I wanted to be able to provide certain things. I will not compromise on those because my husband fathers a child with another woman - why should my child pay for what their father did?

Secondly, abortion is free and easily available in this country, there are also plenty of people looking to adopt. If the mother chooses to have the child then she should also expect to supply a standard of living that she is happy with. She is responsible for her child and the choices she has made.If the child wanted to meet it's father at 18 and have some kind of relationship I wouldn't be averse to that - but I don't want to spend 18 years with the mother on the phone all the time and endless contact visits messing up our life.

Very hardhearted on my part I agree but that is the way I am when it comes to things like that.

Pandora, in your opinion, is the father also not responsible for his child and the choices he has made (i.e. to have an affair that resulted in the birth of a child)? Are you truly suggesting that a woman who gets pregnant out of wedlock's only choice should be to have an abortion or provide for 100% of the child's needs herself?

Yes the father is responsible, but he may have to make a choice if he wants to keep his existing family. I don't actually think that being a 'sperm donor' is the same as being a father and sometimes children are better off not being passed from pillar to post.

I see that situation with BIL's family and the little girl finds it very hard that she comes to stay every other weekend and the other 2 live there permanently. They have their own bedrooms and she shares when she comes over (it's not feasible to have a bigger house) and she feels that she misses out on having siblings (her mother doesn't have any other children).

My sister decided to tell the father of her child - for the sake of the child - and now somewhat regrets it. He doesn't really care but his mother does and is pushing for considerable access. The father says he has no money and is 'working' but my sister still has his log-in details for FB and knows that he comes down to the area where she lives and yet makes no attempt to make contact (he lives over an hours drive away) and he has no money because he is endlessly out getting drunk with friends when he is supposedly working. Despite my sister having very tight finances she isn't asking for a penny - nor has he offered - and yet he and his mother are banging on about his name going on the birth certificate and father's rights etc. My sister now feels that she may have made a mistake and it might be healthier for a child to be in a stable family where they feel wanted than being passed over every other weekend to someone who is a lay-about and couldn't really care less. Her current boyfriend - who is also the ex's cousin and has a child himself - even offered to pass her baby off as his. It's fairly likely they will end up together permanently and it would have been better for the child to have a stable family and a 'father' who already adores him and treats him as his own rather then being exposed to a father who doesn't really want anything to do with him but wants his 'rights'.

I don't think it is the mother's only choice, but if you choose to have an affair with a married man and get pregnant then you have hard choices to make. An 'unmarried mother' due to an affair with a married man is, I think, slightly different from being an unmarried mother is other circumstances - where an existing wife and family don't enter the equation.

I actually asked DH this scenario - and he thought I was taking a very tough stance and said it would depend on the relationship with the child etc until I turned it round: what if I had an affair and got pregnant and decided to keep the child. Would he be happy bringing that child up alongside our own, feeding and clothing and educating them. Would he be happy about our weekends and lives being disrupted by access visits? His reply was that he'd deal with it as long as the biological father was contributing enough money to cover all expenses, childcare and the cost of a bigger house. If this wasn't going to happen then there would be a choice between keeping him and the family or keeping the child. And no-way would the child have any share in any inheritance.
 

TooPatient

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Pandora|1308864269|2953310 said:
NovemberBride|1308857777|2953158 said:
Pandora|1308856638|2953139 said:
As someone who would want them cut out completely my reasoning is as follows: it is hard enough to pay a mortgage, bills etc and give your child the kind of upbringing you would like for them without extra payments going out for something like this. I waited till my late 30's to have a child because I wanted to be able to provide certain things. I will not compromise on those because my husband fathers a child with another woman - why should my child pay for what their father did?

Secondly, abortion is free and easily available in this country, there are also plenty of people looking to adopt. If the mother chooses to have the child then she should also expect to supply a standard of living that she is happy with. She is responsible for her child and the choices she has made.If the child wanted to meet it's father at 18 and have some kind of relationship I wouldn't be averse to that - but I don't want to spend 18 years with the mother on the phone all the time and endless contact visits messing up our life.

Very hardhearted on my part I agree but that is the way I am when it comes to things like that.

Pandora, in your opinion, is the father also not responsible for his child and the choices he has made (i.e. to have an affair that resulted in the birth of a child)? Are you truly suggesting that a woman who gets pregnant out of wedlock's only choice should be to have an abortion or provide for 100% of the child's needs herself?

Yes the father is responsible, but he may have to make a choice if he wants to keep his existing family. I don't actually think that being a 'sperm donor' is the same as being a father and sometimes children are better off not being passed from pillar to post.

I see that situation with BIL's family and the little girl finds it very hard that she comes to stay every other weekend and the other 2 live there permanently. They have their own bedrooms and she shares when she comes over (it's not feasible to have a bigger house) and she feels that she misses out on having siblings (her mother doesn't have any other children).

My sister decided to tell the father of her child - for the sake of the child - and now somewhat regrets it. He doesn't really care but his mother does and is pushing for considerable access. The father says he has no money and is 'working' but my sister still has his log-in details for FB and knows that he comes down to the area where she lives and yet makes no attempt to make contact (he lives over an hours drive away) and he has no money because he is endlessly out getting drunk with friends when he is supposedly working. Despite my sister having very tight finances she isn't asking for a penny - nor has he offered - and yet he and his mother are banging on about his name going on the birth certificate and father's rights etc. My sister now feels that she may have made a mistake and it might be healthier for a child to be in a stable family where they feel wanted than being passed over every other weekend to someone who is a lay-about and couldn't really care less. Her current boyfriend - who is also the ex's cousin and has a child himself - even offered to pass her baby off as his. It's fairly likely they will end up together permanently and it would have been better for the child to have a stable family and a 'father' who already adores him and treats him as his own rather then being exposed to a father who doesn't really want anything to do with him but wants his 'rights'.

I don't think it is the mother's only choice, but if you choose to have an affair with a married man and get pregnant then you have hard choices to make. An 'unmarried mother' due to an affair with a married man is, I think, slightly different from being an unmarried mother is other circumstances - where an existing wife and family don't enter the equation.

I actually asked DH this scenario - and he thought I was taking a very tough stance and said it would depend on the relationship with the child etc until I turned it round: what if I had an affair and got pregnant and decided to keep the child. Would he be happy bringing that child up alongside our own, feeding and clothing and educating them. Would he be happy about our weekends and lives being disrupted by access visits? His reply was that he'd deal with it as long as the biological father was contributing enough money to cover all expenses, childcare and the cost of a bigger house. If this wasn't going to happen then there would be a choice between keeping him and the family or keeping the child. And no-way would the child have any share in any inheritance.

Pandora,

I absolutely agree with you. I've got very strong feelings on this subject so have been trying to stay out of this thread as much as possible. It really isn't as black/white as some people seem to think. When you've actually been there or known people who were there, you get a different perspective.


As someone who grew up getting passed back and forth between a parent who cared and one who didn't, I have to say that I would MUCH rather have never known the one. After speaking with my mom, she really wishes she had been able to not send us -- even if it meant not getting any support.

FWIW, my father doesn't have much so when he dies there probably won't be anything anyway but if there was I'd turn it down. Refuse the check, burn it if needs be.
 

AmeliaG

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That's all well and good, Pandora and TooPatient but Trekkie's question was what to do about the inheritance, not whether the father should take the child in.

Of course, if the father has no wish to have any contact with the child, for the child's sake, its better not to pursue it.
 

iheartscience

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dragonfly411|1308860529|2953207 said:
thing2of2|1308847580|2952989 said:
NovemberBride|1308845819|2952964 said:
I have to say, I am shocked by the number of PS'ers who say they would want their husband to have nothing to do with a child born as the result of an extra-marital affair. While I don't know what I would do in this situation (I'd like to say I'd leave, but real life is much less black and white), I would not condition my staying on my husband having nothing to do with his child. In fact, it is just the opposite. I would not want to be married to a man that would want nothing to do with a child he fathered. I would never be with a man who had children that he did not take care of both financially and emotionally. A man who can just walk away from a child is not a man I would want anything to do with, let alone love. If this happened in my marriage, we would have a lot bigger issues than who inherits our estate. That said, I think the right thing to do is for the child to get an equal share of the husband's share of the estate.

Ditto all of this. 2 wrongs don't make a right! I would never be with a man who abandoned his children, no matter what the reason.

But you'd stay with a man who fathered a child with another woman while you are married? That I couldn't live with. I'd walk away from the man, but bear no ill will towards the child. The child can't control the circumstances of being conceived.

In my current situation (happily married with no kids) I absolutely wouldn't stay with my husband if he cheated on me, illegitimate child or not. I don't think that us having kids would change that, but never say never.

However, if I was going to stay with a man who fathered a child with another woman, I absolutely wouldn't want him to abandon that child. I think abandoning your own child is despicable.
 

TooPatient

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AmeliaG|1308866902|2953378 said:
That's all well and good, Pandora and TooPatient but Trekkie's question was what to do about the inheritance, not whether the father should take the child in.

Of course, if the father has no wish to have any contact with the child, for the child's sake, its better not to pursue it.


Inheritance --- I'd say it should be up to the deceased person's will. There is no "one size fits all" answer to any situation and only the people involved know enough details to make a decision.

What about a situation wher the mother of the child is wealthy and giving inheritance to the child would leave the kids with the wife suffering? Maybe even cause the wife to lose the house?

What about a situation where the child is a 20 something with a drug habit? If you turn over an inheritance to them they could use it to over-dose on drugs.


There are just too many variables to make any sort of requirement that everyone has to follow.
 

suchende

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Pandora|1308856638|2953139 said:
As someone who would want them cut out completely my reasoning is as follows: it is hard enough to pay a mortgage, bills etc and give your child the kind of upbringing you would like for them without extra payments going out for something like this. I waited till my late 30's to have a child because I wanted to be able to provide certain things. I will not compromise on those because my husband fathers a child with another woman - why should my child pay for what their father did?

Secondly, abortion is free and easily available in this country, there are also plenty of people looking to adopt. If the mother chooses to have the child then she should also expect to supply a standard of living that she is happy with. She is responsible for her child and the choices she has made.

If the child wanted to meet it's father at 18 and have some kind of relationship I wouldn't be averse to that - but I don't want to spend 18 years with the mother on the phone all the time and endless contact visits messing up our life.

Very hardhearted on my part I agree but that is the way I am when it comes to things like that.
It sounds like you're talking about not just inheritance but also child support payments?
 

Indylady

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I agree with AN--I'd probably want the child to receive an inheritance, not from anything of mine but from my hub's.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
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thing2of2|1308867062|2953384 said:
In my current situation (happily married with no kids) I absolutely wouldn't stay with my husband if he cheated on me, illegitimate child or not. I don't think that us having kids would change that, but never say never.

However, if I was going to stay with a man who fathered a child with another woman, I absolutely wouldn't want him to abandon that child. I think abandoning your own child is despicable.

I wouldn't call it 'abandoning'. To me, abandoning is where a parent has an established relationship with the child and then leaves. Declining to be involved in a child's life when you have never been more than a sperm donor is entirely different.

How would you feel if your husband felt that he wanted to financially maintain the child and as a result you had to move to a smaller house and/or substantially downgrade your standard of living and what you could provide for your own children?

To put another slant on things, how would people feel in the scenario that the mother then married another man who brought the child up as if it were his own. They became extremely wealthy and the child stood to inherit sums that would make their potential inheritance from you look like pocket change. Would you deprive your own children of what could be a significant amount for them in order to give an equal share to the other?
 

Guilty Pleasure

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My husband and I are 30 and have no children.If we had children, we would still most likely leave each other everything and let the remaining spouse leave it to the kids, depending on tax and inheritance laws etc. Now let's say for sake of the hypothetical that my husband and I are in our sixties and have three adult children, and my husband also has a child resulting from an affair that I forgave him for. I will also assume that we paid child support for eighteen years, and my husband had a role in this child's life. If I were to die before my husband, I would leave all of my wealth/assets to our three children (my half of the money), with the exception of the house and furniture going to my husband. If my husband were to die before me, he should determine what he would like his other child to have because I will not be leaving anything to that child when I die even if my husband leaves me everything and the children aren't in the will.

If an adult came forward and proved that my husband was his or her father, I would not give that child anything. My personal opinion is that we are not owed anything from our parents after we are grown, regardless of "legitimacy". My parents raised me and did a wonderful job, but I am an adult now and am not owed an inheritance. I would feel the same way about an adult who had been fathered my my husband. I hope that I would talk with that person about my husband and tell them the kind of man he was and give them a keepsake or photos, but not money.

It's easier to think about if the kids are grown, but if these children are still under 18 when my husband dies, I think I just have to say that I'd go by the law. I wouldn't give anything extra, but I wouldn't begrudge a child benefits or anything like that.

In any case, whether I stayed with my husband or not, I would never be okay with him neglecting a child, and I could never support abortion, no matter how much easier it would make my life. So if I forgave him and stayed with him, that new child will be part of the deal I accept. That being said, man would his life really be in the toilet! I'd probably divorce him, and then he'd be paying child support to two different women! Maybe I should share that thought with him because I think that would definitely be a deterrent for him should he ever consider cheating on me :lol:
 

suchende

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Pandora|1308872216|2953477 said:
thing2of2|1308867062|2953384 said:
In my current situation (happily married with no kids) I absolutely wouldn't stay with my husband if he cheated on me, illegitimate child or not. I don't think that us having kids would change that, but never say never.

However, if I was going to stay with a man who fathered a child with another woman, I absolutely wouldn't want him to abandon that child. I think abandoning your own child is despicable.

I wouldn't call it 'abandoning'. To me, abandoning is where a parent has an established relationship with the child and then leaves. Declining to be involved in a child's life when you have never been more than a sperm donor is entirely different.

How would you feel if your husband felt that he wanted to financially maintain the child and as a result you had to move to a smaller house and/or substantially downgrade your standard of living and what you could provide for your own children?

To put another slant on things, how would people feel in the scenario that the mother then married another man who brought the child up as if it were his own. They became extremely wealthy and the child stood to inherit sums that would make their potential inheritance from you look like pocket change. Would you deprive your own children of what could be a significant amount for them in order to give an equal share to the other?
I honestly feel that your position on this is morally reprehensible. If you put yourself in the position of becoming a parent, you are morally and legally obligated to do right by any resulting children.
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
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Messages
9,613
suchende|1308873009|2953493 said:
Pandora|1308872216|2953477 said:
thing2of2|1308867062|2953384 said:
In my current situation (happily married with no kids) I absolutely wouldn't stay with my husband if he cheated on me, illegitimate child or not. I don't think that us having kids would change that, but never say never.

However, if I was going to stay with a man who fathered a child with another woman, I absolutely wouldn't want him to abandon that child. I think abandoning your own child is despicable.

I wouldn't call it 'abandoning'. To me, abandoning is where a parent has an established relationship with the child and then leaves. Declining to be involved in a child's life when you have never been more than a sperm donor is entirely different.

How would you feel if your husband felt that he wanted to financially maintain the child and as a result you had to move to a smaller house and/or substantially downgrade your standard of living and what you could provide for your own children?

To put another slant on things, how would people feel in the scenario that the mother then married another man who brought the child up as if it were his own. They became extremely wealthy and the child stood to inherit sums that would make their potential inheritance from you look like pocket change. Would you deprive your own children of what could be a significant amount for them in order to give an equal share to the other?
I honestly feel that your position on this is morally reprehensible. If you put yourself in the position of becoming a parent, you are morally and legally obligated to do right by any resulting children.

If the mother wishes she can make an application for child support and that will legally have to be paid - in the UK it's 18% of income. But playing an active part in a child's life is not something that is necessary unless all parties want this.

I would find it morally reprehensible for a father to take off leaving children who had grown up with him in their lives, but declining to be involved right from the start is completely different - and in many cases a blessing for the children to be perfectly honest.

I have a couple of friends who have never met their biological fathers and though sometimes intrigued they have all had very happy stable upbringings with their mothers and their respective mothers' eventual husbands. I also have two friends who did have their fathers involved in their lives. In both cases it was obvious that the father wasn't really interested - a string of cancelled visits, forgotten birthdays and general lack of interest. Both cut off all contact and say that it was extremely harmful to their self-esteem.

My BIL goes above and beyond to do the right thing for his daughter, but my SIL is endlessly covering up and protecting her son from her ex's lack of interest (he's now remarried with 2 other children).

If I had been in my sister's position I would never have told the biological father because I feel it would be less disruptive to my child's life (if they want to go and look for him when they are 18 then that is their perogative) and would leave open the possibility in the future that they could be adopted legally by a potential future husband.
 

suchende

Brilliant_Rock
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And I've worked with many children who struggled terribly with not having a relationship with their fathers. It seems pretty naive to say, "Oh, but many kids would be better off if their father pretended they didn't exist!" I mean... really?!

ETA: and if it's true that their fathers were bad ones anyway, seems to me the better solution is fathers, you know, trying not be bad ones. Not severing the relationship between biological parent and biological child.
 

lbbaber

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Feb 18, 2011
Messages
691
NovemberBride|1308845819|2952964 said:
I have to say, I am shocked by the number of PS'ers who say they would want their husband to have nothing to do with a child born as the result of an extra-marital affair. While I don't know what I would do in this situation (I'd like to say I'd leave, but real life is much less black and white), I would not condition my staying on my husband having nothing to do with his child. In fact, it is just the opposite. I would not want to be married to a man that would want nothing to do with a child he fathered. I would never be with a man who had children that he did not take care of both financially and emotionally. A man who can just walk away from a child is not a man I would want anything to do with, let alone love. If this happened in my marriage, we would have a lot bigger issues than who inherits our estate. That said, I think the right thing to do is for the child to get an equal share of the husband's share of the estate.


This exactly!! I couldnt have said it any better.
 

AmeliaG

Brilliant_Rock
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880
The scenario where the biological mother is wealthy and the wife and kids relatively poor is not the usual scenario, an intriguing idea to prove a point in concept but I think more times than not, it fails the real world test.
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
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Messages
12,111
Pandora|1308872216|2953477 said:
thing2of2|1308867062|2953384 said:
In my current situation (happily married with no kids) I absolutely wouldn't stay with my husband if he cheated on me, illegitimate child or not. I don't think that us having kids would change that, but never say never.

However, if I was going to stay with a man who fathered a child with another woman, I absolutely wouldn't want him to abandon that child. I think abandoning your own child is despicable.

I wouldn't call it 'abandoning'. To me, abandoning is where a parent has an established relationship with the child and then leaves. Declining to be involved in a child's life when you have never been more than a sperm donor is entirely different.

How would you feel if your husband felt that he wanted to financially maintain the child and as a result you had to move to a smaller house and/or substantially downgrade your standard of living and what you could provide for your own children?

To put another slant on things, how would people feel in the scenario that the mother then married another man who brought the child up as if it were his own. They became extremely wealthy and the child stood to inherit sums that would make their potential inheritance from you look like pocket change. Would you deprive your own children of what could be a significant amount for them in order to give an equal share to the other?

If someone is responsible for bringing a child into the world, I think they have an ethical obligation to have a relationship with and care for that child. And I think it's only fair to give all of your children an equal share of your assets upon death. Of course there may be extenuating circumstances (one child is a drug addict, etc.) but I don't think having a different mother is one of those extenuating circumstances.
 
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