People who refer to their boyfriend as their husband...

[Ara Ann]

Date: 3/13/2010 7:17:57 PM
Author: IloveAsschers13
What Galatiea said... I totally agree with her. I think they might have some hesitation in telling the whole church something that is their business. I don't think they should have *broadcasted* their 'marriage' but does it really affect you *other than emotionally* one way or the other, that they are/aren't married? Doubtful.

Nope it doesn't affect me one way or the other, besides the fact that she asked me to take part in helping her plan for the wedding and 1. I don't feel that close to her, in a friendship role after all of this came to light, to understand why she wants to include me and 2. The fact that she lied to me on many occasions abut already being married, when she didn't *need* to lie to me, as I am not the 'whole church'. We had confided some personal things to each other and she was very open about some things, but felt compelled to continue to talk about her 'marriage' to me.


One more time, to make this clear...she is in a leadership role, she put herself into that position, knowing she was lying about her marriage. Leaders within the church should have a higher level of personal integrity and responsibility...if she felt she had to hide something, then she shouldn't have put herself into that kind of a role until all was settled.

That's all I'm going to say about it.


Thank you to those who understand and I agree to disagree with those who don't.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/13/2010 7:17:57 PM
Author: IloveAsschers13
What Galatiea said... I totally agree with her. I think they might have some hesitation in telling the whole church something that is their business. I don''t think they should have *broadcasted* their ''marriage'' but does it really affect you *other than emotionally* one way or the other, that they are/aren''t married? Doubtful.

I understand where Galatiea is coming from, but I totally get where Ara is coming from too. If you start out a friendship with lies, it can put a very bad taste in your mouth. I think if it were me, I''d have more respect for someone who said outside the church environment "You know what, let me just be up front. He''s not my husband yet. We do plan to marry, but we have not yet for personal reasons." Then it would have been a dead issue. But the fact that the charade went on for so long would kind of weird me out too.

But as I said before, it''s not the fact that these two people are in love or how they want to celebrate it that''s the issue. It''s the dishonesty they began the friendship with.

 

[Circe]

Ara, I don''t know you all that well on PS, but I remember liking your posts generally, and I hope you won''t take this the wrong way.

Your position *is* very judgmental. I don''t mean that in a nasty way: it''s human to form opinions, and to have strong emotions. But this sounds like it''s occupying your mind out of proportion to the impact that it has on your life ... which is where it falls into the stereotypically criticized kind of "judgmental." Even before all this, it sounds like you didn''t really like the woman, so just fob her off with excuses until she gets the hint that you don''t want to be bestest friends, and put it out of your mind.

If your pastor is okay with (nay, encouraging!) their church wedding, good on your pastor for putting the notion that actions speak louder than words into action. They''ve been together for 15 years - while they may not have gotten together in the most conventional way, they seem to be faithful to one another now, so why not celebrate (or at least not be irked by) their happiness?

Going back to the OP''s question, which seems much less "heavy" ... dude, I cannot even begin to address it. I see it as a reflection of whatever generation comes after Y taking marriage less seriously, but aside from that, I take it as their being less mature. They''re playing "house." It''s cute, but confusing, and frankly, somewhat silly ....

 

[HVVS]

re. that church couple: I think that after a not-married couple has been together a number of years, they just don''t want to keep explaining their status to everyone, and also that they start to strongly feel that it''s nobody else''s business. Maybe they are "married enough" in their eyes, so what other people think really starts to become an annoyance to be avoided. Catholic wives can be really tough to divorce. This town is hugely Catholic, plus not made of money, and I''ve lost count of the number of still-married-but-residing-separately "single" men I have met in the dating pool here. They say they''re single. I respond "No, you are still married. Call back after the divorce is final, because half of you and at least half of your property still belong to someone else." I have no idea what their legal wives are doing or where they are, but that doesn''t stop the guys from getting a new gal. There was one such couple that had been together for over 20 years, she was a widow and he was still married but had nothing to do with his Catholic wife who refused to divorce him. The man and his mistress went everywhere together and people just presumed that she was his wife. At his funeral, quite a few people were shocked to learn that there was indeed a Mrs. E, and that she was not that petite blond that they''d always seen him with.

 

[fieryred33143]

Frankly, I think everyone should just mind their own business.

The couple in question have been together for 15 years. That''s nothing to scoff at. And the fact that they are giddy over having a church wedding just goes to show how much love they have for each other after all these years. We should all be so lucky that after 15 years of a partnership with someone we still see ourselves as two young crazy kids in love.

I will say though as someone who is not married, maybe the reason why they "lie" about their title is because of all the judgment. I''ve been with my FI for 8 years...all of my adulthood. We''ve survived all kinds of significant events, including having a child. If I introduced ourselves as Mr. and Mrs. we would get praises for being together so long. But because we don''t have a paper, instead we''re cute and silly and somehow individuals that have been married for just shy of 4 months are more serious.

Maybe that''s why the lies and the secrets. Believe me when I say it is much easier to say this is my husband than it is to say this is my fiance, we got engaged after 6 years together and pregnant a few months after, are adjusting to parenthood before we get married and want to save a little more for a wedding, its nice to meet you.

 

[Black Jade]

"To the OP, I can understand that you are feeling deceived but I wonder how the couple would have been received if they had presented themselves as unwed? I don''t mean to offend but some church groups can be very judgemental. The couple''s situation is pretty complicated and maybe they felt it was easier not to explain. It is true that some states have common law marriages after 5 -7 years of cohabitation. If the couple are truly your friends then you have no option but to move past this. I am sure this woman has dreamt of her wedding just many of us on PS. She deserves a great wedding."


What an odd post. Let''s switch this a little and say that you are referring to people who stolen a great deal of money from someone else. "I can understand that you are feeling deceived but I wonder how the couple would have been received if they had presented themselves as thieves. I don''t mean to offend but some church groups can be very judgmental. The thieves'' situation is pretty complicated and maybe they felt it was easier not to explain."

!!!!!

If I were the OP, I would stay far away from this couple of creeps. People who are ''truly your friends'' don''t lie to you like this and you DO have options so far as remaining friends with someone that you don''t trust--like, you don''t have to.

And I don''t think that ''many of us here on PS'' are ''dreaming'' of a wedding to someone else''s husband--or that ''dreaming'' about something means you DESERVE it. I might dream about a five carat ring--but I don''t think the fact I ''dreamt'' about it would make a judge throw out a case in court if I stole one from someone else.

If you have no sympathy for the former wife--what about sympathy for the kids involved--including the kids with the creepy wannabe bride (who is matched by the creep of a bridegroom).
Ugh.

 

[waterlilly]

Date: 3/13/2010 9:17:05 PM
Author: Black Jade



What an odd post. Let's switch this a little and say that you are referring to people who stolen a great deal of money from someone else. 'I can understand that you are feeling deceived but I wonder how the couple would have been received if they had presented themselves as thieves. I don't mean to offend but some church groups can be very judgmental. The thieves' situation is pretty complicated and maybe they felt it was easier not to explain.'


!!!!!


If I were the OP, I would stay far away from this couple of creeps. People who are 'truly your friends' don't lie to you like this and you DO have options so far as remaining friends with someone that you don't trust--like, you don't have to.


And I don't think that 'many of us here on PS' are 'dreaming' of a wedding to someone else's husband--or that 'dreaming' about something means you DESERVE it. I might dream about a five carat ring--but I don't think the fact I 'dreamt' about it would make a judge throw out a case in court if I stole one from someone else.


If you have no sympathy for the former wife--what about sympathy for the kids involved--including the kids with the creepy wannabe bride (who is matched by the creep of a bridegroom).

Ugh.

Talk about an odd post. This is ridiculous.

Being with someone for 15 years is a wannabe? Sympathy for the kids? Obviously the father has custody of the kids and that woman is helping to raise them - what sympathy are you referring to? The former wife - why does she need sympathy? She couldn't get custody of her kids and then refused a divorce for 15 years. Yeah, poor her.

How on earth do you use an example of someone lying about STEALING and lying about something that has NO EFFECT on anyone around them?

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 3/13/2010 8:59:52 PM
Author: fiery
Frankly, I think everyone should just mind their own business.

The couple in question have been together for 15 years. That''s nothing to scoff at. And the fact that they are giddy over having a church wedding just goes to show how much love they have for each other after all these years. We should all be so lucky that after 15 years of a partnership with someone we still see ourselves as two young crazy kids in love.

I will say though as someone who is not married, maybe the reason why they ''lie'' about their title is because of all the judgment. I''ve been with my FI for 8 years...all of my adulthood. We''ve survived all kinds of significant events, including having a child. If I introduced ourselves as Mr. and Mrs. we would get praises for being together so long. But because we don''t have a paper, instead we''re cute and silly and somehow individuals that have been married for just shy of 4 months are more serious.

Maybe that''s why the lies and the secrets. Believe me when I say it is much easier to say this is my husband than it is to say this is my fiance, we got engaged after 6 years together and pregnant a few months after, are adjusting to parenthood before we get married and want to save a little more for a wedding, its nice to meet you.

Ditto all of this.

And Ara Ann-you are judging. Just admit it! If you really don''t think there''s anything wrong with her "living in sin," why are you also complaining that she has a leadership role in the church? Should someone not be allowed to practice their faith because they''re not perfect? I''d wager that people like you are exactly why she lied for so long.

As for the FB thing, I don''t get it, but I don''t really care either. If it doesn''t affect me, it doesn''t bother me!

 

[Imdanny]

People do that? Wow.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/13/2010 10:54:55 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 3/13/2010 8:59:52 PM

Author: fiery

Frankly, I think everyone should just mind their own business.


The couple in question have been together for 15 years. That's nothing to scoff at. And the fact that they are giddy over having a church wedding just goes to show how much love they have for each other after all these years. We should all be so lucky that after 15 years of a partnership with someone we still see ourselves as two young crazy kids in love.


I will say though as someone who is not married, maybe the reason why they 'lie' about their title is because of all the judgment. I've been with my FI for 8 years...all of my adulthood. We've survived all kinds of significant events, including having a child. If I introduced ourselves as Mr. and Mrs. we would get praises for being together so long. But because we don't have a paper, instead we're cute and silly and somehow individuals that have been married for just shy of 4 months are more serious.


Maybe that's why the lies and the secrets. Believe me when I say it is much easier to say this is my husband than it is to say this is my fiance, we got engaged after 6 years together and pregnant a few months after, are adjusting to parenthood before we get married and want to save a little more for a wedding, its nice to meet you.

Ditto all of this.


And Ara Ann-you are judging. Just admit it! If you really don't think there's anything wrong with her 'living in sin,' why are you also complaining that she has a leadership role in the church? Should someone not be allowed to practice their faith because they're not perfect? I'd wager that people like you are exactly why she lied for so long.


As for the FB thing, I don't get it, but I don't really care either. If it doesn't affect me, it doesn't bother me!

My question wasn't whether or not it bothers people, but... this thread has rambled so far off course I don't even know what's being discussed anymore!

 

[wsu12]

I find it super annoying. For some reason I feel that ''faking'' marriage undermines an actual marriage. I know several people who list themselves on FB as married, when they are not even engaged. Yes, they live together but I also live with my dog..I''m not married to him!

I volunteer with an organization, there is a roster of volunteers names, contact info, etc. On this list was a friend whom I knew for certain was not engaged OR married..she listed her boyfriend as her husband. Honestly, I found the whole thing really sad. To me it screamed, "This guy won''t marry me but I am going to attach myself to him". I''m sure there are a million logical explanations but I personally thought it looked pathetic.

 

[joelly]

Date: 3/13/2010 9:08:20 AM
Author:PinkAsscher678
Do you find this confusing at all?

I have a lot of friends on my Facebook I don''t see in real life often, or haven''t in a long time. A few of my friends have left messages up like ''Waiting for my hubby to get home!'' or ''I have the best husband in the world!''

So naturally, I say something like ''Congrats, when did you get married?!'' and am told that they are not married but that they consider their boyfriend their husband.

Am I old? Is this done now? Should I just not say anything at all? If a friend has gotten married I would like to at least say congratulations because that is a major life step, but then I feel like an idiot when it turns out they aren''t married. This has happened to me twice already and I haven''t said anything to anyone since, unless I was PRESENT at their wedding.

BLAH!

Okay, so I am confuse. Is this trend only exist on FB? Cause I can''t imagine it happening irl.

 

[akmiss]

Date: 3/13/2010 9:17:05 PM
Author: Black Jade

'To the OP, I can understand that you are feeling deceived but I wonder how the couple would have been received if they had presented themselves as unwed? I don't mean to offend but some church groups can be very judgemental. The couple's situation is pretty complicated and maybe they felt it was easier not to explain. It is true that some states have common law marriages after 5 -7 years of cohabitation. If the couple are truly your friends then you have no option but to move past this. I am sure this woman has dreamt of her wedding just many of us on PS. She deserves a great wedding.'


What an odd post. Let's switch this a little and say that you are referring to people who stolen a great deal of money from someone else. 'I can understand that you are feeling deceived but I wonder how the couple would have been received if they had presented themselves as thieves. I don't mean to offend but some church groups can be very judgmental. The thieves' situation is pretty complicated and maybe they felt it was easier not to explain.'

!!!!!

If I were the OP, I would stay far away from this couple of creeps. People who are 'truly your friends' don't lie to you like this and you DO have options so far as remaining friends with someone that you don't trust--like, you don't have to.

And I don't think that 'many of us here on PS' are 'dreaming' of a wedding to someone else's husband--or that 'dreaming' about something means you DESERVE it. I might dream about a five carat ring--but I don't think the fact I 'dreamt' about it would make a judge throw out a case in court if I stole one from someone else.

If you have no sympathy for the former wife--what about sympathy for the kids involved--including the kids with the creepy wannabe bride (who is matched by the creep of a bridegroom).
Ugh.

OK, I don't think there is anything odd about my post.....
You are entitled to your own opinion but I am having a HARD time following you

I find it odd that you would switch out the words in my original post...

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/14/2010 1:47:44 AM
Author: joelly

Date: 3/13/2010 9:08:20 AM

Author:PinkAsscher678

Do you find this confusing at all?


I have a lot of friends on my Facebook I don''t see in real life often, or haven''t in a long time. A few of my friends have left messages up like ''Waiting for my hubby to get home!'' or ''I have the best husband in the world!''


So naturally, I say something like ''Congrats, when did you get married?!'' and am told that they are not married but that they consider their boyfriend their husband.


Am I old? Is this done now? Should I just not say anything at all? If a friend has gotten married I would like to at least say congratulations because that is a major life step, but then I feel like an idiot when it turns out they aren''t married. This has happened to me twice already and I haven''t said anything to anyone since, unless I was PRESENT at their wedding.


BLAH!

Okay, so I am confuse. Is this trend only exist on FB? Cause I can''t imagine it happening irl.

If you read the thread, there were many FB and real life examples commented on.

 

[Ara Ann]

Date: 3/13/2010 10:54:55 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 3/13/2010 8:59:52 PM

Author: fiery

Frankly, I think everyone should just mind their own business.


The couple in question have been together for 15 years. That''s nothing to scoff at. And the fact that they are giddy over having a church wedding just goes to show how much love they have for each other after all these years. We should all be so lucky that after 15 years of a partnership with someone we still see ourselves as two young crazy kids in love.


I will say though as someone who is not married, maybe the reason why they ''lie'' about their title is because of all the judgment. I''ve been with my FI for 8 years...all of my adulthood. We''ve survived all kinds of significant events, including having a child. If I introduced ourselves as Mr. and Mrs. we would get praises for being together so long. But because we don''t have a paper, instead we''re cute and silly and somehow individuals that have been married for just shy of 4 months are more serious.


Maybe that''s why the lies and the secrets. Believe me when I say it is much easier to say this is my husband than it is to say this is my fiance, we got engaged after 6 years together and pregnant a few months after, are adjusting to parenthood before we get married and want to save a little more for a wedding, its nice to meet you.

Ditto all of this.


And Ara Ann-you are judging. Just admit it! If you really don''t think there''s anything wrong with her ''living in sin,'' why are you also complaining that she has a leadership role in the church? Should someone not be allowed to practice their faith because they''re not perfect? I''d wager that people like you are exactly why she lied for so long.


As for the FB thing, I don''t get it, but I don''t really care either. If it doesn''t affect me, it doesn''t bother me!

Ummm...so you remain friendly with people that have repeatedly lied to you? And accept everything else they say at face value afterward?

Maybe my POV would be made clearer and understood if stated in PS terminology.

Say a member started a SMTR thread with a gorgeous ''diamond'' ring...it looked like a diamond...everyone believed it was a diamond...the poster said it was in fact a diamond. Years later, this person wanted to become a PS Moderator. This member was a good moderator and others members liked the moderator, etc. Then it was discovered this member''s diamond was in fact a CZ. Why did the member lie for so long? Was it easier for them to let on that the CZ was a diamond after so many years? What would the PS community do this this member? What has been done in the past to members who have posted CZ''s? Let alone a moderator? This member knew the PS guidelines when they signed up, but they lied about their CZ being a diamond anyway. Should the PS community just forgive and forget? Say well, she really wanted it to be a diamond and told everyone for years it was a diamond, so let''s let it go? I believe PSers have a zero tolerance CZ or simulant policy and are removed from the forum if caught. No second chance. That''s pretty severe. Is that the ''PS authorities'' being judgmental, or just enforcing their guidelines as clearly stated in their policies, when members sign up?

Is the woman at my church being removed from her position? Nope...and I wouldn''t have it that way. Is she being prevented from practicing her faith? No again. But she also didn''t have to place herself in a leadership role, knowing what she was doing would be a problem if it was discovered.

I am still leery of her because she lied to me, over and over, while we/she was trying to build a friendship. If that is being judgmental, then yes, I am guilty. But if people''s standards for friendship are so low and have no problem with people who lie, then perhaps better judgment is in order.

 

[So_In_Love]

Ara Ann, your posts are making me feel quite resentful ...people like you are exactly the reason this poor woman was saying she's married! In her eyes he IS her husband, they have been together for so many years, she raised his children, and some piece of paper with their signatures would not mak her more of a wife than she already is. Her repeated referring to him as her husband was not done as some sort of a play-just for you- to make you convinced that they are married. She was saying that because she really does feel happy with her husband. And I bet she was longing for some normalcy in your life- try explaining why your bf of 15 years will not marry you, especially, like you said, when living common law is considered a sin in church's eyes.
I would hate to imagine how it would make me feel if someone i thought of as a friend was talking this way about me behind my back. Please do this woman a favour and bow out of wedding planning.

 

[RosieB]

Hi,

I''m very young myself, I''m 20, turning 21. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, on MySpace he is named as my partner.
I did that on the occasion of our 2 year relationship anniversary, my contacts were allowed to know how we see our relationship.
I do think he is my partner and I hope that our relationship will grow and mature with the passing of time.
So one day maybe I can refer to him as my ''husband'', but for now, no way!! We''re not ready for that! Neither of us!
So I don''t think it''s okay to refer to your ''husband'' if you''re not married! The terms of SO or partner are more suitable.
Marriage is more than just being in love and loving each other. The way I see it, marriage requires that both persons in the relationship have
to be ready, really know each other and are willing to keep working on what they have and other important elements.

@ Ara
I can understand that you are disappointed by their/her behaviour, especially the lying part. But I do believe that she deserves
some support, it won''t have been easy to live like they did. Hoping the secret wouldn''t come out. It must have been hard
loving each other but not being able to make it official, which they want to do. Perhaps she wanted to convince everyone
of them being married that she did that a bit too enthusiastically, and perhaps to legitimate herself.
I hope everything will work out for them and for you.

 

[iheartscience]

Ara Ann-I do understand that you feel deceived. But what fiery and others are pointing out is that although she may have technically deceived you, it''s a completely harmless lie. She obviously loves him very much and I''m sure they think of each other as husband and wife. It''s not like she made her entire life up! Her lie is one I''d be willing to forgive easily.

If you don''t really like her anyway, that''s fine, but either way I''d forgive her and move on.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 3/13/2010 8:59:52 PM
Author: fiery
Frankly, I think everyone should just mind their own business.

The couple in question have been together for 15 years. That''s nothing to scoff at. And the fact that they are giddy over having a church wedding just goes to show how much love they have for each other after all these years. We should all be so lucky that after 15 years of a partnership with someone we still see ourselves as two young crazy kids in love.

I will say though as someone who is not married, maybe the reason why they ''lie'' about their title is because of all the judgment. I''ve been with my FI for 8 years...all of my adulthood. We''ve survived all kinds of significant events, including having a child. If I introduced ourselves as Mr. and Mrs. we would get praises for being together so long. But because we don''t have a paper, instead we''re cute and silly and somehow individuals that have been married for just shy of 4 months are more serious.

Maybe that''s why the lies and the secrets. Believe me when I say it is much easier to say this is my husband than it is to say this is my fiance, we got engaged after 6 years together and pregnant a few months after, are adjusting to parenthood before we get married and want to save a little more for a wedding, its nice to meet you.

So you''re saying the married for 4 months couple is less serious than a couple who has been together for 8 years? Just curious.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/13/2010 2:17:28 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
I hear this A LOT when people call in at the PD.. A LOT A LOT.. and then when I ask about last names, they say, oh well, we live together, he''s my baby''s daddy, but we''re not really married.. ok, that''s different.. not married is not married and living together for multiple years doesn''t automatically make you husband and wife. I have found a lot of times here, its cultural.

Very interesting. I heard it a lot too from couples with kids when I was working for an apartment complex.

 

[fieryred33143]

Absolutely not Laila and sorry if my choice of words made it seem that way. I''m not trying to say anything about married couples. I''m just saying that the reason why these couples may lie is because their relationship is usually reduced to some silly, insignificant relationship because they are NOT married. I''m just offering that thought as a possible reason for the "lie."

 

[Laila619]

Date: 3/14/2010 11:57:27 AM
Author: fiery
Absolutely not Laila and sorry if my choice of words made it seem that way. I''m not trying to say anything about married couples. I''m just saying that the reason why these couples may lie is because their relationship is usually reduced to some silly, insignificant relationship because they are NOT married. I''m just offering that thought as a possible reason for the ''lie.''

Got it. Makes sense.

 

[somethingshiny]

I think most of these posts are a little harsh towards Ara. She has clearly stated that she doesn''t wish this lady to be "punished" in any way for her lie, but Ara feels hurt by the lie. Why is this wrong? She didn''t say that this woman should be removed from the church and stoned in the street for being an adulteress (which by definition she has been for years)

We all "judge" people every day. How else would you deem someone friend-worthy. You look at their lifestyle, their choices, whatever is important to you, and then you make an INFORMED decision about where you want the relationship to head. I believe Ara''s original choice of trying to build a friendship with this woman has been compromised due to a deal-breaker of sorts. To Ara (and correct me if I''m wrong) lying is unacceptable on any level.

I don''t believe any lie is "harmless" as Ara has clearly shown. The lie was meant to be harmless I''m sure, but the fact stands that Ara has been hurt by it. Should it even have that much effect on her? Perhaps not, but that doesn''t change the fact that it does. It doesn''t matter how much you force your opinions that she shouldn''t be offended or affected. She is.

Personally, I don''t allow any lying in my life. It''s not something I''m willing to tolerate on a very basic moral level. Besides keeping the friendship at an acquaintanceship, I would actually encourage my husband to not spend so much time with her at this point because she has shown herself to be a liar. Flame me if you must, but if my gut tells me something''s wrong, I''m damn well going to listen.

Ara''s problem in her original post was that she was lied to. This isn''t about what constitutes a relationship, marriage, commitment. That''s just the situation that the lie arose from.

 

[Bunny007]

Ara, you said in your first few posts that you would be fine if the woman eloped or had a small private ceremony. Can you explain why? It seems to me that you don''t feel she''s entitled to the big hooplah dream wedding and I just don''t see how that has anything to do with your "deception."

I''ll second So In Love. It sounds like this couple, after 15 years, simply identifies as husband and wife. The fact that she continues to refer to themselves as such, even after she revealed to you their true situation, just shows that it wasn''t done to decieve you. Otherwise, why would she continue to do it after the jig was up.

It doesn''t sound like there was ever much potential for your friendship, and that you never liked the woman that much. Sure, I''d be a little upset if a dear friend of mine had perpetuated a lie for this long. But someone that I''m not that close to? Not a bit.

 

[galeteia]

Date: 3/14/2010 10:31:02 AM
Author: So_In_Love
Ara Ann, your posts are making me feel quite resentful ...people like you are exactly the reason this poor woman was saying she's married! In her eyes he IS her husband, they have been together for so many years, she raised his children, and some piece of paper with their signatures would not make her more of a wife than she already is. Her repeated referring to him as her husband was not done as some sort of a play-just for you- to make you convinced that they are married. She was saying that because she really does feel happy with her husband. And I bet she was longing for some normalcy in your life- try explaining why your bf of 15 years will not marry you, especially, like you said, when living common law is considered a sin in church's eyes.

I would hate to imagine how it would make me feel if someone i thought of as a friend was talking this way about me behind my back. Please do this woman a favour and bow out of wedding planning.

Here, here, to everything in So In Love's post. The comments about her being unfit to be in a position of leadership over children, as if she is somehow morally repugnant because she called her partner of 15 years her 'husband', make my skin crawl. If after 15 years, she is so still thrilled to be with him that she has to gush about it and feels lucky to have him as her partner, good on them. The world could use more couples who are that devoted.

 

[joelly]

Date: 3/14/2010 8:52:23 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 3/14/2010 1:47:44 AM
Author: joelly

Date: 3/13/2010 9:08:20 AM

Author:PinkAsscher678

Do you find this confusing at all?


I have a lot of friends on my Facebook I don''t see in real life often, or haven''t in a long time. A few of my friends have left messages up like ''Waiting for my hubby to get home!'' or ''I have the best husband in the world!''


So naturally, I say something like ''Congrats, when did you get married?!'' and am told that they are not married but that they consider their boyfriend their husband.


Am I old? Is this done now? Should I just not say anything at all? If a friend has gotten married I would like to at least say congratulations because that is a major life step, but then I feel like an idiot when it turns out they aren''t married. This has happened to me twice already and I haven''t said anything to anyone since, unless I was PRESENT at their wedding.


BLAH!

Okay, so I am confuse. Is this trend only exist on FB? Cause I can''t imagine it happening irl.

If you read the thread, there were many FB and real life examples commented on.

Yeah, sorry! It''s soooo confusing that something like this can actually happen irl. I can''t imagine calling my BF (now husband) my husband if we''re not married. Oh well.....what do I know?

 

[Gypsy]

Hmm... before we were married I referred to my DH as my hubby... but only on the phone with verizon or comcast. We lived together for 10 years before we got married, but most of our bills were in one name, either mine of his, and it was just easier to say we were married than anything else, in order to get prompt service when it was the other person's name on the account. But everytime I did it it felt very VERY weird. As for FB... I don't get it, at all.

Once we got married and I could REALLY and TRULY call him my husband, it became a word to treasure, a gift I'd earned. Don't know if that makes sense to anyone else.

On the other hand... Marriage to me is about commitment. I think if the couple in question are truly commited to each other, then they can refer to themselves however they want. Husband and wife, partners, baby-dady and baby-momma... whatever the label is that they feel best suits them.

And to those who feel decieved about a couples legal marriage status if the couple hasn't been through the ceremony. In truth there may have been no deception. If they truly felt that the label 'married' best described their commitment, then they were-- to me-- married. No deception. Except maybe a little self-deception if they felt insecure because they didn't and couldn't (in the case of the one man whose wife wouldn't give him a divorce) get married in a formal ceremony. I think its a 'vicitmless' crime... (and not even a crime, at all) and if that's the worst thing I can say about a couple who is otherwise deeply committed-- that they didn't confess their deep secret to me-- meh, people in glass houses. Everyone one is hiding something.

Thing2 and So in Love hit the nail on the head. Ann, that woman doesn't need a friend like you... she's probably got plenty of enemies. And honestly, at least the enemies are honest about their feelings. You are decieving this woman by pretending to be her friend and judging her behind her back. So again, people in glass houses. Before you start thinking you have the moral high ground, take a look into your own heart.

 

[Arcadian]

A lot of stuff on this thread reminds me of some of the stuff my grandparents went through in order to be "legally married"

They eventually jumped the broom because in the US, in the 1930's, Blacks and whites could not legally marry.

My grandmother's parents were not legally married either. Hell, if her father and brothers had been seen in public with her they would have been hanged!

My grandparents were church going people, and were good people. Far THEY were concerned, they were married. The eyes of the law thought differently.

It wasn't until after the 60's that they could legally marry. By then, they had great grand children! They legally married in 1974, I was 3 years old.

were they perpetuating a lie? No. My grandmother was also in a leadership role in her church.

I don't know that couple, or their story. Maybe the wife wouldn't sign the papers and he said screw it, I'm going to live my life until she does. who knows...the wife probably did her dirt too. Unless we were flies on the wall, no one really knows what went down.

I'mma be real honest. I don't have a problem if two people want to call themselves married to each other. They have their own personal reasons for doing it.


People constantly ask if I'm married because I won't take my husband's last name. I won't hyphenate either, that would make for a hell of a long legal last name, of which I can really do without.

I can understand some of the discomfort, but she and he apparently feel that they are man and wife, they lived it so why not?

-A

 

[Maisie]

Without going into a religious discussion (which we aren''t allowed to on PS) there are rules/requirements in the Bible about divorce and remarriage. I can understand why people might not think this situation is ok in the eyes of God.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 3/15/2010 7:41:02 AM
Author: Maisie
Without going into a religious discussion (which we aren''t allowed to on PS) there are rules/requirements in the Bible about divorce and remarriage. I can understand why people might not think this situation is ok in the eyes of God.

Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.