Now I know I expect too much re: people being friendly toward my kids.

[MichelleCarmen]

Yes, I say it now. I have too high of expections re: how people treat my children.

Today, I walked my kids into the school. There are four big sets of doors and as I walked in, I looked back to watch my son walk in. There were a flood of kids walking in and my son stopped and put his hand on the door jam and glanced back. In a high, tense & commanding tone, a woman said, "move your hand." Nothing but coldness in her voice. I look back to make eye contact with her and it's my neighbor. Eehh. She then of course puts on a smile on her previously frowning face.

If I had been in that sitation, I would have said, "beep beep" or "sweetie, move your hand," because the children in the school are part of the community and many are peers of my children and there is no reason to be so blunt.

I am so aching for the school year to be OVER!

ETA - I'm posting this because of the previous post of where my kids were yelled at where we lived before.

I'm just lightly venting!

 

[somethingshiny]

I'm not sure if you're welcoming opinions or just venting, but as I read this I began wondering and thinking about your previous "neighbor" thread.

I only have one 3 yr old son, so not much parenting experience, and I don't want this to come off as preachy or offensive, but here goes...

In my area, no one would speak to a child like that (except the parent). Probably because everyone knows everybody else and they would have a "reputation" of being mean. But, I digress. I'm wondering if you're expecting the "small town atmosphere" in a big city. I'm a huge believer in letting kids be kids, but I think maybe your lackadaisical feelings towards your neighbors is wearing off on your kids. They might be getting to the point of "I just don't care what so and so thinks" because of how they've been treated and how you've reacted previously. Maybe it's time to start showing your kids what the expectations in your area are. I don't know if I could do it myself (I want my kids to be carefree, exuberant, etc), but it might spare hurt feelings in future.

Just my two cents.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

We moved outside of Seattle into a nearby suburb a few years back. If we lived in a "big city" I'd expect a different attitude, but now we live in an official "neighborhood" where most people do already know each other.

 

[somethingshiny]

Maybe she was just having a bad day.

Again, no offense intended...and you don''t have to answer to me by any means. Are you beginning to take others too seriously because of how you''ve been stung in the past?

I don''t know how big your town is, but for reference, any town with more than 10,000 people is a "big city" to me.

I do think you''re a friendly and caring person or you wouldn''t expect it from others. I hope being stung repeatedly doesn''t waver your great qualities.

If nothing else, this is another opportunity to explain to your children that everyone is different and sometimes you have to get to know someone before finding their good nature.


Looking for the silver lining......

 

[Bia]

This neighbor of yours could have been having one of those mornings...ya know?

Yea, you shouldn't talk down to children, but all she said was, "move your hand." If she'd said, "Listen you little booger, move your hand!" or screamed bloody murder for no reason, then you could have dropped her (or at least tell her to "Step off b****!"), but I am doubtful that she meant any harm.

I know, I'm not a parent, but the reality is, not everyone is going to react to your children the way you would react to theirs, or the way you want them to react to yours. And I don't necessarily think kids should be so sheltered that getting a stern talking-to is a bad thing--even if the person giving the stern talking-to is totally overreacting. Kids are a great judge of character much of the time and they are also very resilient, and can get over things much more rapidly than we can. And, an explanation from you as to why that person might have been "mean" will probably do the trick as well.

They're your cubs, and you're the protective mama bear, and that's totally great--that's some of what makes you a great mom--but don't take every thing to heart. If you do, you're going to spend a lot of your time worrying about things that can't always be helped.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I don''t think it''s to much to expect someone to be nice...but the reality of the situation is, not everyone is nice. It totally depends on who you''re dealing with. It''s like driving in your car...sometimes when you switch lanes, you might PO someone--they might ride your bumper for a mile or so, and then flip you off as they zoom by. Others, will wave you over and carry on. Two totally different responses to a really basic thing.

As far as your neighbor goes, and her "snapping" at your son...well, no matter how flat you make a pancake there are still two sides. Maybe she was having a bad day...maybe her own children have caught fingers in the door before...who knows. The message was probably a smart one, no one wants caught fingers in a door...but the delivery was probably all wrong. I think this is a teachable moment for you and your children: that it doesn''t matter what you say, it''s all in how you say it.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yep, you all are right. Possibly it's also do to the fact since we moved down the road, I'm making such a consciences effort to be nice to everyone that I'm a bit over examining this (like I do everything else)! Her and my kids will be playing together so I wouldn't want to start off on the wrong foot.

 

[D&T]

ahh,, i''m sorry to hear that... yep,,, i would have said the same thing "beep beep" in a nicer way, but again, people do have their off day... but doesn''t give them the right to yell or speak meanly though.... school year almost over

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/28/2009 2:44:43 PM
Author: D&T
school year almost over

Yep, it'll be so nice this summer hanging out with "mommy friends" and having more control over who I'm socializing with

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 4/28/2009 2:44:06 PM
Author: MC
Yep, you all are right. Possibly it''s also do to the fact since we moved down the road, I''m making such a consciences effort to be nice to everyone that I''m a bit over examining this (like I do everything else)! Her and my kids will be playing together so I wouldn''t want to start off on the wrong foot.

I would invite her over to your house with her kids, and let her see you being very kind to her children...maybe some of that will rub off on her. But, if she continues to be cranky...I wouldn''t send your kids over there.

 

[Maisie]

I say wallop her with your handbag and tell her to be nice or else. Or better still, get one of your kids to vomit on her shoes.

Seriously, I know how upsetting it is. I don''t like it when people are mean to kids. There isn''t the need for it. I hope it was a one off and it doesn''t happen again.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 4/28/2009 3:20:15 PM
Author: Maisie
I say wallop her with your handbag and tell her to be nice or else. Or better still, get one of your kids to vomit on her shoes.


Seriously, I know how upsetting it is. I don''t like it when people are mean to kids. There isn''t the need for it. I hope it was a one off and it doesn''t happen again.

Ditto

 

[decodelighted]

See ... I think there''s a big difference between being strident or stern and being mean. Sounds to me that the lady was the former rather than the latter. I think its perfectly normal for kids to learn to deal with strident, stern, cold commands from their elders. Heck, my own GRANDMOTHERS were that way much of the time and we''re from the South! It wouldn''t be healthy (IMHO) for kids to go around expecting other people to be friendly all the time (its not realistic) ... however I''d want to teach THEM to be friendly to others, and to respond politely even when adults speak harshly.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

I'm not a mom yet, but I do have to say that I disagree someone with the post above....

I find it really contradicting at daycare when I always tell the children say "please, thank you" or you can't say "hate" then turn around and do it. I think adults should treat kids with respect just as adults expect respect. So whenever I get mad and order them to do things, I try to catch myself and say things more respectfully- "Please get that for me sweetie" or I would have said to the little boy "Excuse me honey" something like that.

ETA I do understand what you mean about not always expecting people to be friendly, but in the context, it wasn't anyone's older grandmother or an older teacher... it was a mom in the neighborhood MC lives in.

 

[decodelighted]

The lady said "move your hand" ... I mean HOW mean or harshly can that even BE said? Kids talk like that all the time. "Give me that toy" "Gotta pee!"

Neighbor ladies are not flawless. They get impatient and distracted like everyone else does. Kids are not fragile flowers and they won't wilt if directions come without "sweetie" or "please" or a sing-song sugar sweet voice attached.


ETA: As a daycare provider you're getting paid to be polite & provide a certain level of care. Someone's random *mom* isn't subject to the same expectations. JMHO.

 

[Mara]

also some people just don't really know how to interact with children. people who are like this prob would not think to add a 'honey' or 'sweetie' to their words when they speak to them. i speak to children like i speak to adults, in a normal voice. i don't know how to be super sweet or add soft inflections in my tone easily. i'm not like that to anyone but my dog, and my husband when he is really sick...hahaha. and if i am sounding super sweet, you really should worry.

i probably want something.

so quite possibly you are listening to her flat, cold, hard voice and she is just speaking 'normally' for herself.

i would ask, why do you expect her to speak sweetly to your child? or a larger question, why do people in general expect everyone to love their kids? i wonder this all the time. if i wanted to adore kids, i'd have my own.

 

[Haven]

MC, I'm sure it was difficult to watch someone speak to your son in an unkind manner.

However, I have to agree with Deco, here. I definitely see a difference between being stern and being mean. I see so many children being babied and coddled, and that just makes it tough for them to handle situations where people don't sugarcoat everything for them. (I'd even go so far as to say I see young adults who can't handle being given direction because they've been treated like delicate flowers their entire lives.)

Would it be nice for her to say please? Sure, I guess so. But I can't imagine she was trying to bully your child in any way. She was probably trying to save him from getting his fingers jammed in the door. I'd let this one roll of my back. No harm, no foul.

ETA: Mara brought up a really good point. We don't speak to children any differently than we do to adults in my family, so we don't talk in that sing-song high voice to kids or anything like that. (My parents always used to say "We assume our kids are intelligent enough to understand us if we speak to them normally. Please don't baby talk our children." Ha.) Anyway, perhaps she is of the same belief, and her normal way of speaking sounds harsh in contrast to the way you talk to kids.

I'd also never call a relatively strange child a pet name, and it would eek me out if someone did that to my child.

 

[crown1]

i am all for nice and polite and i try to practice those things myself, but if someone is in a position of potential harm, quick and to the point is sometimes called for. by your description, i assume your son was distracted by his friends, and paused with his hand where it could cause him injury. even if this was not the case i would not take offense with those words. if the lady continued to be harsh or unkind with the children i think it might be of concern but this situation would not get me wound up.

had i been there with my child, i would have explained that the lady was right and that pausing in the door in that way might cause him to be hurt. children need to learn to react to simple commands that may save them or those around them. had she not been stern and clear he may not have reacted quickly since he was preoccupied with the other children.

i respect your concern for your sons, but even mom and dad sometimes get stern, and they need to get a little bit of a thick skin to avoid hurt feelings.

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 4/28/2009 6:37:53 PM
Author: Mara
also some people just don''t really know how to interact with children. people who are like this prob would not think to add a ''honey'' or ''sweetie'' to their words when they speak to them. i speak to children like i speak to adults, in a normal voice. i don''t know how to be super sweet or add soft inflections in my tone easily. i''m not like that to anyone but my dog, and my husband when he is really sick...hahaha. and if i am sounding super sweet, you really should worry.

i probably want something.

so quite possibly you are listening to her flat, cold, hard voice and she is just speaking ''normally'' for herself.

i would ask, why do you expect her to speak sweetly to your child? or a larger question, why do people in general expect everyone to love their kids? i wonder this all the time. if i wanted to adore kids, i''d have my own.

I don''t expect everyone to love my child but I do expect people to show her the same respect they show an adult or anyone else. Not treat her differently because she is young or a child, she is a person. It bothers me when my daughter says hello & someone gives her a dirty look or ignores her. Would that person do that if she was an adult? Just a vent.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 4/28/2009 6:10:32 PM
Author: decodelighted
The lady said ''move your hand'' ... I mean HOW mean or harshly can that even BE said? Kids talk like that all the time. ''Give me that toy'' ''Gotta pee!''

But the point here is, would you say that to another adult?!! If someone was in your way, would you tell the person to ''move out of the way''? I dont think MC expects people to baby talk her kids, just to speak with them with the same respect as you would with another adult.

 

[swimmer]

Date: 4/28/2009 6:49:08 PM
Author: crown1
i am all for nice and polite and i try to practice those things myself, but if someone is in a position of potential harm, quick and to the point is sometimes called for. by your description, i assume your son was distracted by his friends, and paused with his hand where it could cause him injury. even if this was not the case i would not take offense with those words. if the lady continued to be harsh or unkind with the children i think it might be of concern but this situation would not get me wound up.


had i been there with my child, i would have explained that the lady was right and that pausing in the door in that way might cause him to be hurt. children need to learn to react to simple commands that may save them or those around them. had she not been stern and clear he may not have reacted quickly since he was preoccupied with the other children.


i respect your concern for your sons, but even mom and dad sometimes get stern, and they need to get a little bit of a thick skin to avoid hurt feelings.

Well put. Middle school (and life in general) will be rough if a child never encounters a forceful or pointed word.

I think your neighbor was being helpful to your son who put his fingers in a bad situation. I would have thanked her for caring enough to urgently have him move his fingers. School doors are heavy fire doors by law and yes, they do crunch little fingers. I would find it very strange for an adult to made beeping sounds at a child who is old enough to speak in full sentences; but I work in a school district where a focus on respect for one another is encouraged and reflected in the words we use, engaging in baby-talk is discouraged as being condescending.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 4/28/2009 6:45:15 PM
Author: Haven
MC, I''m sure it was difficult to watch someone speak to your son in an unkind manner.

However, I have to agree with Deco, here. I definitely see a difference between being stern and being mean. I see so many children being babied and coddled, and that just makes it tough for them to handle situations where people don''t sugarcoat everything for them. (I''d even go so far as to say I see young adults who can''t handle being given direction because they''ve been treated like delicate flowers their entire lives.)

Would it be nice for her to say please? Sure, I guess so. But I can''t imagine she was trying to bully your child in any way. She was probably trying to save him from getting his fingers jammed in the door. I''d let this one roll of my back. No harm, no foul.

ETA: Mara brought up a really good point. We don''t speak to children any differently than we do to adults in my family, so we don''t talk in that sing-song high voice to kids or anything like that. (My parents always used to say ''We assume our kids are intelligent enough to understand us if we speak to them normally. Please don''t baby talk our children.'' Ha.) Anyway, perhaps she is of the same belief, and her normal way of speaking sounds harsh in contrast to the way you talk to kids.

I''d also never call a relatively strange child a pet name, and it would eek me out if someone did that to my child.

I agree.

 

[Octavia]

Date: 4/28/2009 8:58:55 PM
Author: ZoeBartlett

Date: 4/28/2009 6:45:15 PM

Author: Haven

MC, I'm sure it was difficult to watch someone speak to your son in an unkind manner.


However, I have to agree with Deco, here. I definitely see a difference between being stern and being mean. I see so many children being babied and coddled, and that just makes it tough for them to handle situations where people don't sugarcoat everything for them. (I'd even go so far as to say I see young adults who can't handle being given direction because they've been treated like delicate flowers their entire lives.)


Would it be nice for her to say please? Sure, I guess so. But I can't imagine she was trying to bully your child in any way. She was probably trying to save him from getting his fingers jammed in the door. I'd let this one roll of my back. No harm, no foul.


ETA: Mara brought up a really good point. We don't speak to children any differently than we do to adults in my family, so we don't talk in that sing-song high voice to kids or anything like that. (My parents always used to say 'We assume our kids are intelligent enough to understand us if we speak to them normally. Please don't baby talk our children.' Ha.) Anyway, perhaps she is of the same belief, and her normal way of speaking sounds harsh in contrast to the way you talk to kids.


I'd also never call a relatively strange child a pet name, and it would eek me out if someone did that to my child.

I agree.

I also agree. This woman's tone may have been impolite (if not downright rude) but unless I'm missing something, I don't see an indication that she spoke that way specifically because she was talking to a child, much less your child. I'm not sure if you've had other problems with this neighbor before, but if not, it doesn't seem worth taking personally.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/28/2009 7:33:09 PM
Author: VegasAngel
It bothers me when my daughter says hello & someone gives her a dirty look or ignores her. Would that person do that if she was an adult?

LOL. I take it you don''t live in NYC. If you went around saying "hello" back to everyone who speaks to you you''d be a Disney character. A strategic dirty look is a girl''s best friend!

And as to treating children with the same respect as adults ... I believe in being respectful, but their cognitive development & attention spans are not the same as adults. Sometimes being succinct & direct is the best approach. "STOP!!" vs "SuzieQ, I''m sorry but I don''t think running into traffic is the best idea. Can we brainstorm other things to do, sweetie?"

 

[mrssalvo]

MC-as a mom I totally get where you are coming from. Honestly, i probably wouldn''t think much about it if someone said that to someone else''s kid and I witnessed it, but if they did it to MY kids, then of course I''d be upset too

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m not going to "dear or sweetie" someone else''s kid. If you''re in my way and holding up the entrance, or blocking the grocery aisle, or in general getting in the way, I''m going to give you "the look" and tell you to please move (and you''re going to know from my tone of voice that the "please" was a formality only)

Instead of being upset that some lady was "stern" in her voice, I''d be making sure my son was quick to apologize to the adult for being in the way. I never bought into the idea that children need to be treated as "pwecious" or "spewcial".

If the little dears get enough molly-coddling at home, they don''t need it from every stranger they meet

 

[neatfreak]

I'd also let it roll off your back MC. Sure she could have been nicer-but when a kid is doing something dangerous it's always best to get right to the point so that you avoid someone getting hurt.

Don't take it personally.

And one more thing...you said that there were a ton of kids entering at the same time. So I assume it was loud. Is it possible that she DID say please, or his name, or something in there but that part got swallowed up? Just a thought.

 

[TravelingGal]

Well, you said she smiled when she saw you, so it wasn''t like she wasn''t making any effort at all. She could have continued to give you stink eye.

But I don''t believe in over coddling. Giving lots of love, yes, but love comes in many forms.

 

[VegasAngel]

Date: 4/28/2009 9:45:44 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/28/2009 7:33:09 PM
Author: VegasAngel
It bothers me when my daughter says hello & someone gives her a dirty look or ignores her. Would that person do that if she was an adult?

LOL. I take it you don't live in NYC. If you went around saying 'hello' back to everyone who speaks to you you'd be a Disney character. A strategic dirty look is a girl's best friend!

And as to treating children with the same respect as adults ... I believe in being respectful, but their cognitive development & attention spans are not the same as adults. Sometimes being succinct & direct is the best approach. 'STOP!!' vs 'SuzieQ, I'm sorry but I don't think running into traffic is the best idea. Can we brainstorm other things to do, sweetie?'

No, I do not live in NYC but that makes no difference to me.

Children arent aliens, they are people. They understand kindness, smiles, a hello etc. What does it hurt to say hello while you are waiting in line at the grocery store for example? I'll take a smile/hello from a child where it comes form a good place, not forced over an adults, any day.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 4/28/2009 10:38:01 PM
Author: VegasAngel

Date: 4/28/2009 9:45:44 PM

Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/28/2009 7:33:09 PM

Author: VegasAngel

It bothers me when my daughter says hello & someone gives her a dirty look or ignores her. Would that person do that if she was an adult?

LOL. I take it you don''t live in NYC. If you went around saying ''hello'' back to everyone who speaks to you you''d be a Disney character. A strategic dirty look is a girl''s best friend!


And as to treating children with the same respect as adults ... I believe in being respectful, but their cognitive development & attention spans are not the same as adults. Sometimes being succinct & direct is the best approach. ''STOP!!'' vs ''SuzieQ, I''m sorry but I don''t think running into traffic is the best idea. Can we brainstorm other things to do, sweetie?''

No, I do not live in NYC but that makes no difference to me.


Children arent aliens, they are people. They understand kindness, smiles, a hello etc. What does it hurt to say hello while you are waiting in line at the grocery store for example? I''ll take a smile/hello from a child where it comes form a good place, not forced over an adults, any day.

I think Deco''s point was simply that although that might be the culture in some places in NYC it isn''t. People don''t go around smiling to each other randomly in NY. So if you go to NY and smile and say hello to someone they might not smile back. They just think "tourist!"

But it would be a much friendlier place if everyone did smile at each other!