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Why am I not surpised....Date: 6/15/2009 10:30:01 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
a rich sugar mama !!![]()
Thoughtful post Alj. Hopefully she will learn those things - although I''d like to teach her how to use a crayon too! Already I missed her first attempt at crawling, among other things. What''s more ridiculous is that I work from home, so these things are happening while we are under the same roof!Date: 6/15/2009 10:06:38 PM
Author: Allison D.
Honestly, I''d like to have a choice too......even though I don''t have children. When I think of the things I could invest my time into and how much more fullfilling those things might be, especially as I''m now cruising through the middle-aged years, it certainly makes me wistful that another choice doesn''t exist.Date: 6/15/2009 6:48:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Ha, well, I think a lot of us would choose neither!
For a long time, my answer was zazing and struggling. Even after I got married. I''ll tell you what changed my mind...having a kid.
I am currently the breadwinner, and proud of my career and all I have accomplished. I wouldn''t want to be a SAHM.
However, I would have liked to have a CHOICE.
No one takes better care of my daughter than I do. No one. Because I am the breadwinner, I feel sometimes a huge burden to work and give our family the financial stability I want for my daughter. On most days, it doesn''t bother me.
But there are days when the nanny calls out to me, ''TGal, come look at what she did'' and I missed it. There are days when I''m sitting alone with her and she does something I know *I* didn''t teach her. There are days when I just don''t want to work and play with her all goshdarn day.
Sometimes, in doing everything decently, I feel like I do nothing well. And I''d admit, sometimes, when the night is dark and I let my thoughts run amok, I wish I had the freedom to be one of those wives who didn''t have to worry about money.
But then, I like being a wife in love too.![]()
The biggest lesson Amelia''s going to learn from you and TGuy is what a healthy, functional, mutually respectful LOVING relationship should look like. Yours is the only relationship she will see intimately enough to learn from, and that will set the tone for what she values in choosing the partner who will be her family when you are someday gone. That''s something she wouldn''t get if you were married to the nice wallet. Oh, and as an added side benefit, she''s also learning that she CAN rely on herself and contribute....because Mom does.
Call me crazy, but given the choice between teaching my kid how to use a crayon or teaching her what matters in a life partner, I''d choose the latter hands down. Yes, it would likely mean I''d feel the pangs of missing a few things (first time using a straw, etc), but that''s what parents do....they sacrifice so their kids will have everything they need.
You know, thinking about this, part of me thinks that''s why the next time around I WOULDN''T go for zazing. I love my husband. He is the love of my life. I don''t think I could find that again (although many people find more than one love in their life). I think I would assume that love is gone forever, so why not be with a nice guy with money and enjoy the rest of my life while hanging out with a guy I get alone with fine?Date: 6/15/2009 10:32:58 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Zazing (I call it ''life chemistry'') over rich any day.
I just went through this. I dated a very wealthy woman (trust fund baby) for the past eight months that I was extremely comfortable with, but didn''t have that ''life chemistry'' that I had with my wife.
I just couldn''t keep going on. I felt like I was wasting my time, and hers. The money was nice, yes I''ll admit, but it didn''t come close to that intangible electricity that I felt with my wife. Through good times and bad, richer and poorer, it was always there.
Once you''ve experienced that, you just can''t rationalize, or ''settle''. It''s either all that (and more), or nothing.
55, married 26 years, widowed 3.
the first time you marry for love. the second time you take him to the cleaners.Date: 6/15/2009 10:47:44 PM
Author: UCLABelle
Richard- what a beautiful post about your wife...perhaps I should re-think my decision![]()
I did marry for love---and not money---but what we have isn''t a ''heated/passionate'' thing...it is a deep love and friendship...hence why I picked the latter.
Date: 6/16/2009 12:14:35 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
Date: 6/15/2009 10:47:44 PM
Author: UCLABelle
Richard- what a beautiful post about your wife...perhaps I should re-think my decision![]()
I did marry for love---and not money---but what we have isn''t a ''heated/passionate'' thing...it is a deep love and friendship...hence why I picked the latter.
the first time you marry for love. the second time you take him to the cleaners.
Date: 6/15/2009 10:32:58 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Zazing (I call it ''life chemistry'') over rich any day.
I just went through this. I dated a very wealthy woman (trust fund baby) for the past eight months that I was extremely comfortable with, but didn''t have that ''life chemistry'' that I had with my wife.
I just couldn''t keep going on. I felt like I was wasting my time, and hers. The money was nice, yes I''ll admit, but it didn''t come close to that intangible electricity that I felt with my wife. Through good times and bad, richer and poorer, it was always there.
Once you''ve experienced that, you just can''t rationalize, or ''settle''. It''s either all that (and more), or nothing.
55, married 26 years, widowed 3.
Date: 6/16/2009 1:27:32 AM
Author: Linda W
Date: 6/16/2009 12:14:35 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
Date: 6/15/2009 10:47:44 PM
Author: UCLABelle
Richard- what a beautiful post about your wife...perhaps I should re-think my decision![]()
I did marry for love---and not money---but what we have isn''t a ''heated/passionate'' thing...it is a deep love and friendship...hence why I picked the latter.
the first time you marry for love. the second time you take him to the cleaners.
Nope, it was the other way around for me DF. First time I took the buzzard to the cleaners. The second time, I married my soul mate![]()
Date: 6/15/2009 6:56:16 PM
Author: Mara
Date: 6/15/2009 6:48:45 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Ha, well, I think a lot of us would choose neither!
For a long time, my answer was zazing and struggling. Even after I got married. I''ll tell you what changed my mind...having a kid.
I am currently the breadwinner, and proud of my career and all I have accomplished. I wouldn''t want to be a SAHM.
However, I would have liked to have a CHOICE.
No one takes better care of my daughter than I do. No one. Because I am the breadwinner, I feel sometimes a huge burden to work and give our family the financial stability I want for my daughter. On most days, it doesn''t bother me.
But there are days when the nanny calls out to me, ''TGal, come look at what she did'' and I missed it. There are days when I''m sitting alone and she does something I know *I* didn''t teach her. There are days when I just don''t want to work and play with her all goshdarn day.
Sometimes, in doing everything decently, I feel like I do nothing well. And I''d admit, sometimes, when the night is dark and I let my thoughts run amok, I wish I had the freedom to be one of those wives who didn''t have to worry about money.
But then, I like being a wife in love too.![]()
SAHM''s...they don''t necessarily not have to worry about money. My friend works from home kind of like you do TG and she knows a lot of SAHM''s because she takes her son out with them in the afternoons. She tells me that a lot of these parents and families struggle with the fact that only one person brings in the bacon, and in fact they wish there was more of a happy medium....neither way is the ideal way in their situation.
The other (admittedly absolutely cynical) thing I tend to think is that many wives who TRULY absolutely don''t have to worry about money, would not necessarily consider themselves to have a whole lot of ''freedom'' in that situation. I know I certainly wouldn''t feel all bold and independent. If we have kids, any amt of time that I am not working will be really hard for me to know that I am not contributing financially to the household. Yes yes I know...parenting is just as hard work as a salaried job etc etc...but as someone who has been making money since I was 16 and worked my way through college... it will be hard to not bring in any cash no matter what accomplishments my kid makes because I am there with them as opposed to at work. It''s like a mental prison, definitely not freedom. PLUS...add to that that my work at home mom friend tells me she would not want to be a SAHM like her friends because their whole life is about their kids. She is like..they have NO outlet other than other Moms and playdates, she is grateful for work.
I guess if you married nice n''rich but don''t love him, and had a kid then you could focus your entire being on that kid so that you would not miss what you didn''t have in marriage. But it seems like with the divorce rate out there, that''s not guaranteed either...there are tons of unhappy mom''s in a rich marriage.
So yeah I''d be alone.![]()
Date: 6/15/2009 10:32:58 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Zazing (I call it 'life chemistry') over rich any day.
I just went through this. I dated a very wealthy woman (trust fund baby) for the past eight months that I was extremely comfortable with, but didn't have that 'life chemistry' that I had with my wife.
I just couldn't keep going on. I felt like I was wasting my time, and hers. The money was nice, yes I'll admit, but it didn't come close to that intangible electricity that I felt with my wife. Through good times and bad, richer and poorer, it was always there.
Once you've experienced that, you just can't rationalize, or 'settle'. It's either all that (and more), or nothing.
55, married 26 years, widowed 3.
Ditto, ditto and ditto, Mara!Date: 6/15/2009 4:19:53 PM
Author: Mara
having done the 'nice' guy thing previously, i would not marry someone who i didnt have very strong feelings for. IMO, unless you have been in THAT relationship, with a guy who treats you great, loves you, adores you, whatever...but that you just cannot quite reciprocate the same feelings for... you don't really know if that is what you would choose. i felt so guilty that i could not reciprocate his feelings even though i tried...like i was cheating him.
if as someone else said the passion was real passion for who the person was and a TRUE heart attachment, and not just simple lust... then i would def take that and try to make our way together. you don't know that someone will ALWAYS be struggling just because they are when you met them, and i have been quite successful in my own right, so even if he never was a breadwinner, i could take care of us.![]()
if i couldn't do the above, i'd be alone.![]()
eta: 34 married for 5 years, together for 9.
marriedDate: 6/15/2009 2:31:17 PM
Author:TravelingGal
And for grins, when answering, tell us if you are single, in a relationship or engaged, married and how long, or divorced (or whatever your status may be) and how old you are, i.e. 20''s, 30''s, 40''s, or not telling.
I would pick the nice rich guy.
Me: married over 2.5 years and in my mid 30''s.
Date: 6/16/2009 11:02:59 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
marriedDate: 6/15/2009 2:31:17 PM
Author:TravelingGal
And for grins, when answering, tell us if you are single, in a relationship or engaged, married and how long, or divorced (or whatever your status may be) and how old you are, i.e. 20''s, 30''s, 40''s, or not telling.
I would pick the nice rich guy.
Me: married over 2.5 years and in my mid 30''s.
too long
very old
i would rather be "rich and unhappy" then "poor and unhappy"Date: 6/15/2009 6:56:16 PM
Author: Mara
I guess if you married nice n''rich but don''t love him, and had a kid then you could focus your entire being on that kid so that you would not miss what you didn''t have in marriage. But it seems like with the divorce rate out there, that''s not guaranteed either...there are tons of unhappy mom''s in a rich marriage.
So yeah I''d be alone.![]()
i''ll take the hot,dumb and rich one.Date: 6/15/2009 7:36:35 PM
Author: NovemberBride
Ditto to Isaku, Mara, Linda and everyone who is surprised how many women here (in what I consider to be a highly intelligent and independent group of women) chose nice and rich. I could not imagine being married to someone I did not have strong feelings for. I feel like it''s the equivalent of the men on the board having a poll that asked would you choose a wife that''s hot and dumb or average and smart. I think there''d be a lot of outrage here if the men all chose hot and dumb.
Date: 6/15/2009 6:18:33 PM
Author: isaku5
I have to say that I''m floored by the number of women who chose nice and rich!![]()
My POV has always been that if I want ''rich'' or even ''rich-ish'', that''s my responsibility to see that I can earn the $$$$. That way, if he turns out to be a loser, I''m still financially set as are our potential offspring.![]()
I''m 66 and have been married for 46 years. Have they all been glorious and passion-filled??? Never mind. Would I do it differently if given the opportunity? Not a chance![]()
I most emphatically agree with this.Date: 6/15/2009 10:32:58 PM
Author: Richard Sherwood
Once you''ve experienced that (life chemistry), you just can''t rationalize, or ''settle''. It''s either all that (and more), or nothing.
This story is not how I think of "struggling". Many people are young and not have much money and that is OK with me. In fact, that is the type I am most attracted to: the ones who are making something of themselves in the face of challenges.Date: 6/16/2009 7:43:12 AM
Author: atroop711
Imagine letting an amazing love go just because their bank account wasn''t what you wanted at on that date and time? My college friend did this. She met an amazing guy who grew up very poor, was great student, huge potential and lots of ambition. This didn''t matter to her. He couldn''t buy her what she wanted then and there. Even though she really liked him, she kept going back to what he didn''t have. She broke up with him but continuously thought about him. Years passed, she got older and matured. She always thought about him and looked him up. He was VERY successful, married with a family. She was upset that she let him go. She''s 44 yr old now and never married (not to say she''s doomed). No one has ever treated her like he did. She''s dated nice and rich but hasn''t been happy.