My husband doesn''t want to reset my ring...:((

[Change]

Hello everyone,

I have a dilema here and would like to ask for you opinions...my ER is a simple solitaire with a high setting. I like it but not love it. I''ve been hinting to my husband about resetting the diamond but he is just not happy about it every time i bring it up. He said it''s good the way it is now because it has a lot of sentimental value. I really want a lower setting with 2 small saphires on the sides, but I don''t know how much it''s going to cost.

We are both still students, so we are on a very tight budget. I have been wondering...am I asking too much by resetting it now? Or should I wait till later when we have more money? Although my husband doesn''t want to change it because of the sentimental value, not because of the money issue (well maybe a little bit). What should I do??? I just feel so bad every time I try to talk to him about it and he keeps on saying no

Change

 

[atroop711]

I would wait a bit and give it time. Get settled, finish school and bring it up later on. My first setting wasn''t great. I really didn''t like it. The setting was high and it would catch on everything. After a while (for our wedding anniversary...9th one) I said I wanted a new setting. He was willing because he was sick of hearing me complain that the setting was snagging on everything AND this snagging kept loosening my stone. I had to have it tightened at least once a yr.

With the new custom setting, it sits low and now snagging. I''m super happy and so is he. I was very patient for the new setting. EXTREMELY PATIENT

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/23/2009 1:32:39 PM
Author:Change
Hello everyone,

I have a dilema here and would like to ask for you opinions...my ER is a simple solitaire with a high setting. I like it but not love it. I''ve been hinting to my husband about resetting the diamond but he is just not happy about it every time i bring it up. He said it''s good the way it is now because it has a lot of sentimental value. I really want a lower setting with 2 small saphires on the sides, but I don''t know how much it''s going to cost.

We are both still students, so we are on a very tight budget. I have been wondering...am I asking too much by resetting it now? Or should I wait till later when we have more money? Although my husband doesn''t want to change it because of the sentimental value, not because of the money issue (well maybe a little bit). What should I do??? I just feel so bad every time I try to talk to him about it and he keeps on saying no

Change

The part I highlighted above, coupled with the fact that you are both still students and on a tight budget would lead me to say this is probably not the time for a reset.

Also, you said you like your engagement ring fine, so I think you should stick with it. E-rings are sentimental not only to women, but to men too. If you detested it, that might be one thing, but you don''t.

At the very least, wait a few years until you two are in more financially stable positions in your lives. Maybe an anniversary ring might be in order then?

 

[decodelighted]

Explain that you love it & all the sentiment attached to it TOO -- but it catches on everything & is uncomfortable & has begun to physically annoy you -- if he balks, as him to wear it around for 24 hours & see how he feels then.

 

[tradergirl]

I''d just pay for it myself and if you can''t do that, I''d take it off and toss it in a drawer and tell him I''ll wear it once it''s been reset.

 

[Rhea]

I wouldn''t do anything that would potentially damage your relationship with him. A ring isn''t worth that. If it hurts or gets caught on things, that''s a valid reason for a change of settings to at least lower it and I''d approach it very practically. If you can wear it, but wouldn''t just like a change, hang in there for a couple more years, warming him up to the idea ocassionally.

 

[Maisie]

I''m really lucky that my husband doesn''t mind me doing my many resets/upgrades. I don''t know what I would do if he said no to me. I wouldn''t like it very much. I would probably pay for it myself if it bothered me that much.

Marriage is about compromise. Maybe ask him if you can reset it in 5 years or so. That way the money side of things won''t be such a problem. Tell him you feel more sentimental about the stone rather than the setting.

 

[MMT]

I would try to find out if it''s a money issue. If it is I would try to wait until you are both out of school. Like Maisie said have a plan to upgrade in 5 years. It''s something fun to research and look forward too

 

[whitby_2773]

hi change

how about you leave it exactly as it is, but for an anniversary one day ask for a different ring? most of us dont start doing upgrades in the early years - he''s still obviously in the honeymoon period for the ring while you''ve moved on a little. did you choose the ring or did he? if you helped choose it, you can probably understand his confusion as to why you''d wish to change something you wanted earlier. and if he chose it, it''s a lot like returning a gift you just dont like - always a painful situation for the giver.

so perhaps the gentler approach would be to tell him it''s precious to you and you love it - because you love the giver, period. then in a few years...maybe something new?

you''re going to be married a long time - that 10 yr anniversary will come round quicker than you''d like!

 

[Diamond*Dana]

If it is upsetting him that much, I would wait a bit and then talk about it again.

 

[Jonah80]

I''m a guy. I JUST bought my girlfriend an engagement ring, and I''m still waiting to get it.

I would be so bothered if she wanted to change it only a few years after being married. I can see after 5 or 10 years, if finances are right and it''s really THAT bad. But come on, the guy put some thought into it and now it''s not good enough. Let''s just say I can see where he''s coming from.

As for the girl that said she would toss it in a drawer and refuse to wear it until she got her way...this is why men just stop trying. Spoiled women. It''s sad, and I hope my girl never decides to act like a child.

Give it time. Maybe he''ll WANT to upgrade down the road. But for goodness sake, don''t pester him about it. That''s just mean.

 

[FrekeChild]

Hmmm... my FI wasn't too keen on changing mine either, but his first priority was for me to be happy with it because I'm the one who has to wear it. Then when we finally decided to do the reset (it's in production at the jewelry store now) I got sentimental about the original ring. Sooo....the current plan is to get the original ering stone set into the new setting and then put one of my other stones (the ering stone is a blue spinel), a pink spinel that is just slightly smaller into the original setting so I can have two erings and trade off when I feel the need.

So the question is, is it sentimentality? Or money?

ETA: One thing about our situation is that the design for the reset was in the cards from the beginning. He ran out of time for it to be set in time for him to propose, so he went with a plain stock setting that still had some elements that I wanted.

 

[tlh]

you know... as sentimental as things can be... it is amazing what guys will do to stop the complaining. "Gosh, my ering ruined another sweater!" "Ugh, how does an ering snag a couch?!?" "Oh no, I just got little pebbles in the eye!" Enough of that nagging, he''ll drive you to the store himself... you can pick the new setting out together, and then.. voila... a new little story.

 

[D&T]

I''d say wait for an anniversary. Time will fly by fast. Enjoy your time together. My DH knew that I wanted to upgrade my diamond and a new set, and well 5 years later, I did it, we still have my original ering, and we''ll probably pass down to our kids or something, since it was so sentimental to us (more him though) and there were a few arguments and bad feelings along the way, but he wanted more for me to be happy and it only took 5 years (bad feelings are gone). So when he ask what you might like for an anniversary gift,,, you could mention a reset possibly?

 

[Jelly]

Sounds like you need a RIGHT HAND RING project!

Keep the setting the way it is. Sounds like your husband will be upset due to the sentimental value, so unless the diamond is in danger or you keep snagging it on things, I think you should keep the set how it is.

How about buying yourself a new ring for the other hand!?

 

[tberube]

That''s such a sensitive subject. A lot of men are very proud of the time and money they have put into their FI''s engagement ring, and it''s a bit of an ego-slam to have to hear that she wants to change it right away. Even my DH, who doesn''t claim to be sentimental about my ring, seemed a bit taken aback about the idea of me "upgrading" in the distant future.

I can see not being 100% thrilled with his choice in setting. But you don''t want to drive a stake in your relationship over a ring. Wait until a big anniversary, wait until you''re more financially stable, or at least wait until you''re out of school...and broach the subject again. But if he remains firmly planted on his sentimental side, then he''s a really sweet man and maybe just knowing how much attachment HE has to your ring might make it that much more special for YOU.

 

[Camille]

Hi al
Imho I would leave it alone, wait and start a new project when more funds are avail also e-rings/wedding bands have great sentimental value and most guys don''t like change. There''s plenty of time for future projects, just not now .02

 

[asscherisme]

Can you have it lowered in the setting it currently is in? Surely he won''t mind that because you are trying to make it more comfortable and not let it get damaged.

I can understand his point right now. Its new, and if it causes hurt feelings, I would drop the idea of a new setting.

 

[October2008bride]

Date: 3/23/2009 7:17:28 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
Just wait.. give it a bit of time before you consider a total reset. I can understand the probability of lowering your stone.. but wait to decide to change the setting.. marriage IS about compromise, but the compromise for now could be simply lowering the stone. You have years of anniversaries ahead of you... you know?

Jonah, given you don't know this woman or while just 8 posts in, really anyone else here.. you're just a lot harsh and I know very few here who are 'spoiled'.. don't judge or you may be the brunt of the comments yourself. This is a kind hearted forum, not attacking.

Change, my advice is ask about lowering the stone. Better lower the stone than lose it altogether.

I agree with most of what SDL said - if lowering it is your goal, then maybe just ask about that. Changing the set all together (adding the sapphires) is clearly going to upset your hubby and it isn't worth it right now.

I also agree that this is a kind hearted forum, however I also generally agreed with what Jonah said. I don't think he was meaning to be harsh - just giving a guy's perspective. And I agree with him - I know that if I have DH a really expensive watch (for example) that I poured my heart and soul into designing/picking and he refused to wear it if I didn't change it, I'd be upset. I know this is not what the OP was suggesting at all!! But from her DH's point of view, I can see why he'd be upset.

Granted, over time I think that the connection between how much effort and heart he put into the ring and the actual physical ring will fade. Then he will just want his wife to be happy with the ring on her finger. And then you can get the setting of your dreams AND have a happy husband!

ETA: and to the OP - if he keeps saying no, I really would drop it for now. You don't want to have him associate negative feelings to such a special ring.

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Date: 3/23/2009 6:41:34 PM
Author: asscherisme
Can you have it lowered in the setting it currently is in? Surely he won''t mind that because you are trying to make it more comfortable and not let it get damaged.

I can understand his point right now. Its new, and if it causes hurt feelings, I would drop the idea of a new setting.

I ditto this, especially if the setting has a prong head that can easily be switched out. Then redo the ring later when money is not so tight. After you have been married a while, he might be more open to getting a new setting that you love.

The funny thing about guys getting upset about us not loving our rings for whatever reason is that they won''t wear things they don''t like or are uncomfortable in, so why they expect us to, I don''t know?!?

 

[Change]

Thanks so much everyone for your reply! I read through every single one of them and am feeling much better

. After I thought about it, I think I will probably just wait and maybe an anniversary gift down the road.

Actually when he proposed, he gave me his grandmother''s ring, which I now wear as a RHR. It is old but I love it very much. This ER was picked out later just a little before we got married. Due to our budget, he wasn''t able to take me to some grand jewellery stores. Instead, we went to a private seller whom my mother in law knows. I helped pick the setting then from a bunch of sample pictures (she didn''t have any actual ring I could look at). If I knew it was this high I wouldn''t have picked it then. But it was difficult to tell from a picture. So anyway, I wasn''t in love with it but am feeling very blessed that I get to own two rings, both of which with great sentimental values. This is part of the reasons why I feel bad when I ask my husband about the reset - I already own what we could afford, PLUS his grandmother''s ring. So yes, I do feel "spoiled" sometimes by asking him that. But then again, I wouldn''t have picked that ring if I saw the actual setting myself. It was nice in the picture but it wasn''t taken from the right angle so it was misleading in a way.

I was on the phone with my mom the other day talking about my ring. She told me my dad finally got her a diamond ring - after almost 30 years of marriage! My dad actually put it on her finger and told her it''s a late diamond ring but she was so happy! My dad overheard our conversation, he said if I don''t want my ring to get caught on anything - for example, a sweater, what I could do is when I put it on, I could turn the ring around so that it faces my palm, that way it won''t catch on the sweater. And I thought that was a really good idea! Although I hope I don''t have to wait 30 years to get my upgrade/reset/anniversary gift or whatever it will be

Change

 

[Fly Girl]

Good luck to you, Change. We began our marriage as poor students as well, and my e-ring upgrade came after 25 years. So, please try to be patient. I''m sure you won''t end up waiting that long! In the meantime, I think it is a good idea to see if the head could be lowered a bit. If it can, it shouldn''t cost much, and you aren''t changing out the setting, and it could end up being much more comfortable.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 3/23/2009 7:17:28 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady

Jonah, given you don't know this woman or while just 8 posts in, really anyone else here.. you're just a lot harsh and I know very few here who are 'spoiled'.. don't judge or you may be the brunt of the comments yourself. This is a kind hearted forum, not attacking.

SDL, I think Jonah's part of the post about being "spoiled"

Date: 3/23/2009 4:29:03 PM
Author: Jonah80

As for the girl that said she would toss it in a drawer and refuse to wear it until she got her way...this is why men just stop trying. Spoiled women. It's sad, and I hope my girl never decides to act like a child.


Give it time. Maybe he'll WANT to upgrade down the road. But for goodness sake, don't pester him about it. That's just mean.

was in relation to this, not the original post.

Date: 3/23/2009 1:57:30 PM
Author: tradergirl
I'd just pay for it myself and if you can't do that, I'd take it off and toss it in a drawer and tell him I'll wear it once it's been reset.

 

[bee*]

Date: 3/23/2009 5:20:30 PM
Author: Jelly
Sounds like you need a RIGHT HAND RING project!


Keep the setting the way it is. Sounds like your husband will be upset due to the sentimental value, so unless the diamond is in danger or you keep snagging it on things, I think you should keep the set how it is.


How about buying yourself a new ring for the other hand!?

ditto. If he''s really against changing it, then I definitely think that a RHR is in order.

 

[vespergirl]

Men can be sentimental about these things - I had about the most unromantic proposal one could imagine, but my DH was still pretty sentimental about my ering:
Me: "I''m pregnant!"
Him: "I guess that means we better go ring shopping tomorrow."
Seriously - but I guess it''s one to show that a lackluster proposal can still mean a great marriage

Even though I totally picked the whole ring myself - the only thing he did was go with me and pay for it - when I discovered that I didn''t love the asscher I picked as much as I thought I would, DH was at first taken aback, and a little hurt, when he found out that I wanted to swap it, even though our jeweler had a 100% value trade-up policy. I think that even if I guy isn''t involved in choosing the ring, once it''s on your hand, it becomes "the ring", and gets some magical quality. My trade was a little easier, because I eventually ended up with what he wanted to get me, an RB, so I think he felt that since I eventually got what he would have picked himself, he was more OK with it.

However, your situation is a little different, because you guys are still in school, and maybe don''t have a lot of extra cash right now. For this reason, I would maybe just look at "repairing" your ring to have shorter prongs. As far as a totally different setting goes, I would wait for a wedding anniversary. Most people pick 5 or 10 years as a time to start "upgrading" the wedding set, but some do it sooner or later. See what your financial situation is, and decide it from there.

I also wanted to say that you are so lucky that you have an heirloom ring - you should post pics! My family was so poor until my parents generation, that none of the women owned any jewelry except for plain gold wedding bands (my mom was the first to get a diamond engagement ring), so there were no beautiful antique pieces that got passed around our family. I love seeing the gorgeous heirloom rings here on PS!

 

[pregcurious]

I think it''s very hard if you''re still in school, and perhaps your husband is just trying to be financially responsible, and may be partly hurt that you''re not as attached to the ring as he is. We were in school when we got married, and 10 years later, we are finally resetting the ring.

 

[Sharon101]

I think that you should look into getting the height reduced. That would go a long way to helping you like the ring more at little cost, and buy you some time to really upgrade with a better budget down the track. It will also make you feel better that you have an improvement in the area that bothers you the most.

 

[Bia]

If you no longer like the setting, then he should be willing to change it, BUT if he doesn’t have the money, then you should be willing to wait.

OR pay for it yourself

 

[Jonah80]

Thank you Addy! I really wasn''t trying to judge or be "harsh". I even said to maybe try down the road for a special occasion. I just found the idea of "tossing" your engagement ring into a drawer to hurt your husband into bending to your will to be just a tad on the catty side. This is supposed to be something that means a lot to both people and that kind of snide indifference is just very off-putting for a man.

I''m sorry if I offended anyone, as it certainly wasn''t my intention. I just think marriages are supposed to be about love not jewelery. Is a pretty trinket really worth even denting a strong relationship?

Anyway. Sorry. I really didn''t intend to get off-topic here. I think a lot of men would get that sick-to-your-stomach feeling after reading something like the drawer comment.

On topic. I really think subtly letting him know that the ring is a bit inconvenient is the best bet. He''ll probably be happy to get you something new down the road if he doesn''t feel like he''s going to be forced up to the cash register with a gun to his head. Figuratively speaking, of course

Good luck!

 

[NeverEndingUpgrade]

Date: 3/24/2009 11:53:20 AM
Author: Jonah80
Thank you Addy! I really wasn't trying to judge or be 'harsh'. I even said to maybe try down the road for a special occasion. I just found the idea of 'tossing' your engagement ring into a drawer to hurt your husband into bending to your will to be just a tad on the catty side. This is supposed to be something that means a lot to both people and that kind of snide indifference is just very off-putting for a man.

Good luck!

Marriage requires flexibility. If a couple bought a ring from a catalog and the lady did not try it on before buying, then statistically, there is a possibility that she won't like wearing it long term for whatever reason: the center stone sits too high, the setting is too heavy, she has an allergy to the metal or myriad other issues. If that is the case, then why should she HAVE to wear it, just because it has sentimental value? With a ring that you are probably going to be wearing for the rest of your life (unless you upgrade), comfort should preclude sentiment. If a guy got attached to one ring, he can get attached to another one. What if she lost her ring or it got irreparably damaged?

The statement about not wearing the ring does sound catty on the surface, but that is what I would do if the ring was something I was not crazy about and was wearing 24/7. Here is where flexibility comes into play. He needs to be flexible, take his emotions out of the situation and listen to her issues. This is a good excercise for the future. Today it is a ring, next year, it will be something else.

When my husband propsed, he gave me a round diamond, but I had always dreamed of a marquise. So, we traded for a marquise because he wanted me to be happy. He felt sentimental about the round diamond but he realized what was more important. Now, after almost 17 years of marriage, he doesn't even remember that he got me a round diamond when he proposed! And believe it or not, I actually got tired of my old ring and wanted to upgrade. Not very sentimental, I know!