Moral ??--Do you tell someone their spouse is cheating?

[Irishgrrrl]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 739px">Date: 8/8/2008 1:00:20 PM
Author: Independent Gal

Date: 8/8/2008 5:02:18 AM
Author: arjunajane

I am not going to judge your sis as no one really knows why people do the things they do, but risking her and her hubbies''s health

OK, personally, I have no problem at all judging your sister. There are all kinds of reasons why people do extremely horrible nasty mean selfish b!tchy things, but that doesn''t make them any less horrible.

Also, it is quite different to make a ''mistake''... a one night stand and feel terrible about it, and to carry on for years with multiple partners in ''serious'' relationships. Her behaviour is appalling and she should be ashamed of herself. Yes, she probably needs ''help'' too, because to treat other people like pieces of garbage like that you really have to be a little off kilter, but that doesn''t in any way excuse it.

I''ve also been cheated on, and I would also like to know. However, I really don''t know if you should tell or not. It is such a tough one.

I think this is what I would do, because you should NOT be in a position where you have to LIE to cover up your sister''s behaviour. Tell your sister flat out that you will NOT lie for her, that you do not want to be around her while she continues this behaviour and that, while you won''t tell her husband, will take no steps to actually protect her either.

If family members start wondering about it, just excuse yourself from the conversation. That should send a message without you actually saying anything.

Tell her you can''t be around her husband because you feel ashamed to treat him with that kind of disrespect.

That''s what I have done in the past in these situations. Very obviously excused myself from a friendship. I know a man who slept with a friend of mine and it later turned out he was seriously dating his now wife, and I refuse to socialize with them because I couldn''t look her in the face knowing what he did to her. I would feel like I was involved in the deception.

I know she''s your sister, but that''s all the more reason you have to lay down the law and draw the line. REFUSE to be implicated in her despicable deceptive behaviour. She may need someone to bring her back to reality: that what she is doing will shatter her family sooner or later, that she is endangering their health, that she is being selfish and sick.

One thing to be VERY careful of: nobody is served by raising doubts about the kids dad. Mostly the kids would suffer for that. I think that part stays secret for their sake.

My 2 cts.

Something I feel very strongly about. We all have the capacity to choose the good. Sometimes, we fail. But when we fail, we stand up and take responsibility for what we''ve done. No excuses, even where there are explanations.

I agree with IndependentGal on this issue . . . for right now. I don''t think the kids need to know at the present time that there''s a question as to who their father is. However, as they get older, they might call this into question themselves. They may start to notice that they don''t look very much like their dad, and wonder why. Or, unfortunately, they might overhear others talking about this issue.

I think your sister owes it to her children to be sure about their parentage if at all possible, and to be honest with the kids when the time comes. There may come a time when this is very relevant for medical reasons, and the kids have a right to know who their biological father is. Again, I don''t think now is necessarily the time for them to be informed of this, but there may come a time in the future when they really NEED to know. And, regardless of who their biological father is, they already know who their Dad is.

 

[FrekeChild]

Yikes. What a horrible situation.

This brings up a slightly different situation I was exposed to...Basically the short version of the story is that this woman and man had been married for some time-about 8 years. They had three children together-maybe. One day the man came home early from work to surprise his wife. Imagine his surprise when he walked in and found not only his wife, but also three other men. In their bed. Turns out she''s a sex addict, she confesses right there to him that she''s been doing this for years. The man walked out of their house, drove to pick up his kids from school, called a divorce attorney on his way, and drove straight to the divorce attorney''s office after getting the kids.

End result: Dad got custody of all three kids. The judge deemed that the wife was exposing the children to danger-through the possibility of disease of having multiple partners.


Honestly, I would tell anonymously. My best friend and I became very close when I confessed to her that her BF had cheated on her by making out with his best friend''s sister. This was after they had broken up. But she was so grateful to have found that out-and it actually showed her who her real friends were and who weren''t really her friends. As someone who would want to know, I took the risk of telling her, and she was glad that I did.

Just remember this doesn''t only affect you and her and him, but the kids, and their circle of friends as well as your and his family.

I''m so sorry you''re in this craptastic situation. Let us know how it goes.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

My immediate answer is almost always no, it''s not your place. I''ve found that when you get involved in these situations, even if you''re pulled into them it gets rather messy. We caught my Mom''s sister meeting up with another man that was NOT her husband. My Grandmother asked my Mom if she had seen anything because the last time she visited she was suspicious..my Mom was honest and told her. My Grandmother confronted my Aunt. My family is in shambles. It''s absolutely miserable and ridiculous. But it''s not your place to tell her husband, that''s her job. And as for telling her what you think? Well..you saw what happened to my family and my Mom never even got that opportunity. I think the reason my Aunt tore the family apart was because she was afraid of us telling bro-in-law...which we never intended to.

Sorry you''re in this situation, I definitely know how you feel to a degree.

 

[diamondfan]

PS: Know that sometimes people "shoot" the messenger even if they are on one hand glad to know the information. This is a fine line scenario. Honestly, I just do not get how you go home to your husband and kids at night, have relations with your husband...plus, if her hubby is in love with her still, even weirdness in her behaviors is going to be something he explains away...no one really wants to face this stuff.

The paternity issue is also sad, her hubby has been raising these girls, they are his girls in his eyes, and for her to know there is a chance they are not his is really terrible. I hope no matter what she gets some therapy as she clearly has a lot of issues and is really mistreating people and putting them in bad spots for her own gain. She needs to find out why she is compelled to act like this.

 

[trillionaire]

I have read some, but not all of the responses.

I agree that you should encourage her to tell him on her own, and that you DO NOT condone her actions.

Regardless of whether she wants to tell him or not, I think you should let him know, even if anonymously. Based on her actions, he is going to find out eventually, and more time living in a lie is not better. I would be devastated if I were in his position, but more so if I felt I was the last to know. He deserves to have all the information, and to be able to make his own decision. I could understand not wanting to tell about a one time slip-up that she was remorseful about, but this is an entire marriage that is clearly not working. (unless it is an open marriage as others have suggested)

For people that say that he must "know", it is difficult to confront someone and accuse them of cheating without much evidence. They will turn the conversation on you, accuse you of being paranoid or lying, crazy, etc. And it is a HUGE risk if you think that you *might* be wrong.

As for the children involved, it seems to me that it would be important to be sure of paternity. There could be other men who should be building relationships with these girls. If they have other fathers, the fathers and the girls deserve to know. Not that it makes it any easier.

I'm sorry about the situation, but she made her bed, she must lie in it. It's just sad that she is dragging you, your BIL, and your nieces into it. I hope that they come out ok, and that your sister gets the help that she needs to be a better partner in relationships.

ETA: Expect a lot of fall-out if you do say something to either of them. It almost never goes well, even if it's the most fair thing to do. Not telling him gives her all of the power in the relationship, telling him levels the field. Shoot, send him the PS thread, tell him you didn't know what to say, or how else to tell him.

When a friend's BF propositioned me over email, I was dying, and most people told me not to tell her. After a few days, I just printed the correspondences and gave them to her. She thanked me, and they dealt with the issue. And we are still friends to this day!

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 8/8/2008 2:29:45 PM
Author: trillionaire
As for the children involved, it seems to me that it would be important to be sure of paternity. There could be other men who should be building relationships with these girls. If they have other fathers, the fathers and the girls deserve to know. Not that it makes it any easier.

I totally disagree. This is a HUGE value judgment on my part, and I don''t expect everyone to agree with me, but I think that the father they have now, their mother''s husband, is probably a good father and has been there for them as they''re growing up. IMO this is worth a lot more than blood or genetics. If in fact their mother''s husband is not the father of those children, the guy/s who is/are is probably not the type of person I would want around my kid. From what hairgirl described, the men who might have fathered those children were in long-term relationships with a woman they presumably knew was married. They are in part responsible for the entire situation being so awful, and so potentially devastating to those children. For medical reasons it might be good to do a paternity test just so that they will have some idea of family history, etc, which might be practically useful, but I certainly wouldn''t advocate involving the other fathers or the children in the situation until those kids are old enough to make a decision about whether they want to do it on their own. They have a right to know eventually, but I don''t think that time should come at the same time that there is so much turmoil in their parents lives, or when they''re young.

Hairgirl, I am so sorry for you that you have had to carry this terrible secret around. I think that so much of the advice you have gotten here is sound and worth considering. As someone who has also been a victim of an unfaithful partner, I can relate to how you feel. It would be awful for anyone to expect you to lie about something like this. Tell her you won''t and you can''t. As for your sister and her husband, it is one thing to be in a mutually consenting open relationship and preserve the appearance of a marriage with both parties knowing everything. However, it sounds like her husband hasn''t consented to it, and she is certainly not being transparent in her actions. Whether he would like to stay with her in light of this is his call, and I would never presume to know the answers to questions he can only decide. But he has a right to not be the last person in the dark. How horrible for him.

 

[Sha]

I think you should find a way to tell the husband. It''s true that he may know or have suspicions already...but what if he doesn''t? There''s no way of knowing that at all. I wouldn''t trust her to have the courage or integrity to tell him now even if she is threatened, if she hasn''t felt the need to tell him all these years. It doesn''t sound as if she has any remorse for her actions, and has every intention of continuing her immoral behaviour.... so I wouldnt'' expect her conscience to kick in anytime soon. I would tell him - even anonymously.

It''s not right that he continues to be at risk for contracting some kind of serious disease because of her actions. I can''t believe she would have all these extramarital affairs - two of which may have produced actual children and one which produced an infection - and still not use protection!! That''s just disgusting! She is putting her life and her husband''s life at risk - and it''s just not fair to him to have to continue to be in that situation, unknowingly. At least let him have the information and decide what to do after.

It''s true that the family home will be disrupted if the information comes out - but that would be nobody''s fault but hers. The girls would also be hurt, especially if there''s a divorce, but I still don''t think that''s good enough reason to maintain a facade of family harmony when there is such infidelity, and when the husband''s health is possibly being put at risk every day.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 8/8/2008 2:46:09 PM
Author: WishfulThinking

Date: 8/8/2008 2:29:45 PM

Author: trillionaire

As for the children involved, it seems to me that it would be important to be sure of paternity. There could be other men who should be building relationships with these girls. If they have other fathers, the fathers and the girls deserve to know. Not that it makes it any easier.

I totally disagree. This is a HUGE value judgment on my part, and I don''t expect everyone to agree with me, but I think that the father they have now, their mother''s husband, is probably a good father and has been there for them as they''re growing up. IMO this is worth a lot more than blood or genetics. If in fact their mother''s husband is not the father of those children, the guy/s who is/are is probably not the type of person I would want around my kid. From what hairgirl described, the men who might have fathered those children were in long-term relationships with a woman they presumably knew was married. They are in part responsible for the entire situation being so awful, and so potentially devastating to those children. For medical reasons it might be good to do a paternity test just so that they will have some idea of family history, etc, which might be practically useful, but I certainly wouldn''t advocate involving the other fathers or the children in the situation until those kids are old enough to make a decision about whether they want to do it on their own. They have a right to know eventually, but I don''t think that time should come at the same time that there is so much turmoil in their parents lives, or when they''re young.

I don''t even completely disagree with you here, Wishful, but it is a pretty complex situation. ONE scenario could be for the dad to have custody of the girls. However, if they are not biologically his, this is very tricky. I would be thrilled if they were his, or if he could adopt them. This doesn''t have to preclude a relationship with a bio-dad. In situations like this, there are usually no right answers. Children who find out later that they have a different parent are usually upset. Children whose lives are disrupted are usually upset about that. I guess I err on the side of having as much "appropriate" information out in the open as possible, and working from there. Hopefully all of the adults involved will act maturely and fairly for the sake of the girls and their best interest.

***note, there are a wide array of possible custody arrangements, I just highlighted one that focused on paternity.

 

[oobiecoo]

I DO NOT think that you should tell the sister to "straighten up" or go to therapy or else you will tell her husband. She could very likely just pretend to do these things and try to hide her flings better. Nothing will be resolved from that. Honesty is the best policy. I believe you should inform the husband anonymously.

Just because she is your sister, it doesn''t mean you should lie and protect her. What she is doing is completely unacceptable... sister or not.

Don''t think about the kids being hurt... they will be hurt more by contracting a disease from mommy or getting off the schoolbus and walking in the door to find mommy getting it on with someone who isn''t daddy. It will be better for the girls in the long-run.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 8/8/2008 3:07:45 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 8/8/2008 2:46:09 PM

Author: WishfulThinking

Date: 8/8/2008 2:29:45 PM


Author: trillionaire


As for the children involved, it seems to me that it would be important to be sure of paternity. There could be other men who should be building relationships with these girls. If they have other fathers, the fathers and the girls deserve to know. Not that it makes it any easier.

I totally disagree. This is a HUGE value judgment on my part, and I don''t expect everyone to agree with me, but I think that the father they have now, their mother''s husband, is probably a good father and has been there for them as they''re growing up. IMO this is worth a lot more than blood or genetics. If in fact their mother''s husband is not the father of those children, the guy/s who is/are is probably not the type of person I would want around my kid. From what hairgirl described, the men who might have fathered those children were in long-term relationships with a woman they presumably knew was married. They are in part responsible for the entire situation being so awful, and so potentially devastating to those children. For medical reasons it might be good to do a paternity test just so that they will have some idea of family history, etc, which might be practically useful, but I certainly wouldn''t advocate involving the other fathers or the children in the situation until those kids are old enough to make a decision about whether they want to do it on their own. They have a right to know eventually, but I don''t think that time should come at the same time that there is so much turmoil in their parents lives, or when they''re young.

I don''t even completely disagree with you here, Wishful, but it is a pretty complex situation. ONE scenario could be for the dad to have custody of the girls. However, if they are not biologically his, this is very tricky. I would be thrilled if they were his, or if he could adopt them. This doesn''t have to preclude a relationship with a bio-dad. In situations like this, there are usually no right answers. Children who find out later that they have a different parent are usually upset. Children whose lives are disrupted are usually upset about that. I guess I err on the side of having as much ''appropriate'' information out in the open as possible, and working from there. Hopefully all of the adults involved will act maturely and fairly for the sake of the girls and their best interest.


***note, there are a wide array of possible custody arrangements, I just highlighted one that focused on paternity.

We definitely agree more than disagree. I''m no layer [yet], but I''d say there''s a good chance that if custody is awarded it will go to the dad who has raised them, regardless of biology. Actually, depending on the situation, their mother might not even get custody because of her actions and how they could have [and might in the future] impact her children. Their bio-father might not get them for the same reason. It depends on more details and the judge they get. I hope for the kids'' sakes that it doesn''t go that far. How awful for them. They DEFINITELY need answers at some point though, and will have to ultimately make their own decisions about everything.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 8/8/2008 1:30:50 PM
Author: diamondfan
This is a tough situation in that you KNOW it is true and she is putting her husband at risk. Plus she has no regard at all for him, and wants the benefits of being married while going out on him behind his back.It is one thing if she is in a terrible marriage, meets someone and falls in love...then I say, get out of your marriage before pursuing anything. Here, she is just indiscriminately doing this, with whomever, and putting her husband''s health at risk, which is almost criminal to me. Plus doing damage to him emotionally. He can''t be that bad if she wishes to stay married to him.

She is also putting you in a bad spot as you now know and have to walk around knowing this, which is not fair to you. This is not like one time she strayed and it was years ago and she is not going to do something like this again...she is a serial cheater. And having been cheated on you have a sensitivity (rightly so) and it is really tough on you to be the recipient of this information.

I hate to tell you to turn on your sister, but no offense, she sounds like a pretty disgusting person to me. I think that is beyond vile to be in love with someone else, be sleeping around, getting STD''s and lying to her husband...how can she live with herself?

I would have a frank discussion with her and plead with her to either stop or tell her husband and face the consequences. She should not be allowed to do this continually.

I agree with all of this, but I''ll add a couple more thoughts. For the sake of those children, I think the husband needs to know. Children deserve a stable mother and this mother is only thinking of herself. If I were the judge, I would give him custody. So think about the ramifications if you DON''T tell and he finds out later. He may cut off your whole family from those children.

I think your sister is sick and needs help, or else she is unbelievably self-centered. I think possibly there is a middle ground where he could be sent an anonymous note that there are things he needs to know about his wife and he may want to have her followed by a private investigator. Then he finds out himself. If you think he can''t afford to do this, then that could make this idea not work.

I really wouldn''t care about the damage to the relationship with the sister, because who needs someone like that?! I''d overlook and keep quiet about a one night mistake, but years of infidelity with multiple partners is disgusting, and I think it is wrong for others to know and not tell him. In any event, I would not be the one to cause doubt about paternity. He is legally their father and presumably loves them. So I think the idea of paternity testing should come from him only. I wouldn''t particularly want to see the kids go to men who were that despicable to have the affair with their mother to begin with.

 

[elle_chris]

six years folks, six years. The chances of her husband knowing that something''s going on is pretty high. Now, whether he does or doesn''t, her saying something doesn''t make the situation any better. All she''d be doing is possibly breaking up two families. the first is her sisters, the second is her own relationship with sister.

If her brother in law does know (and again, i''m pretty sure he does) and he''s staying in the relationship, she''d be putting him in a horrid situation that may force him to do something he didn''t want to.. If he doesn''t know, she''s not doing him a favor either because this is something that her SISTER- not his sister in law needs to lay out. doing it anonymously is the chicken way to do it. If you''re going to be doing it that way then you know you shouldn''t be the one saying anything in the first place.

If I were you, i''d talk to my sister. there could be more going on then what she''s told you. perhaps he''s cheating as well. Recommend counseling, tell her you''re not comfortable knowing and if she isn''t trying to work out the problems, you don''t want to know anything more.

I know if it were me in your sisters place or her husbands, the last person i''d want to tell/hear it from is you.

Again, nothing good could possibly come out of this if it''s you who tells him.

 

[Elmorton]

Unless you want to sever things with your sister, I say you keep her "secret" but tell her that you''re unhappy with her choices and that the right thing to do is come clean. Honestly, if this were a friend, my answer might be different.

 

[MoonWater]

I wanted to chime in on the parternity issue. Legally, (and this may be different state to state) biology will outweigh all else unless the biological parent is deemed unfit. We have no info proving that the fathers are unfit to parent, regardless of their willingness to help this woman cheat. So it would be unfair for these potential fathers to be left out of the lives of their children if they want to be apart of them. It would also be unfair to the children to keep them away from their biological father. Unfortunately, it doesn''t really matter how great a dad the husband is if he isn''t their real father.

As far as telling, well, I drop people like hot potatoes (including family) if I think they''re a piece of s***. If I was good friends with my sister''s husband, I would tell him. If he hates me for it, so be it. If she hates me for it, so be it. But my conscious would be clear. There is no way I would lie for her or excuse myself from the room. At the very least I would fill my family in on her behaviour.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 8/8/2008 4:45:32 PM
Author: elle_chris
six years folks, six years. The chances of her husband knowing that something''s going on is pretty high. Now, whether he does or doesn''t, her saying something doesn''t make the situation any better. All she''d be doing is possibly breaking up two families. the first is her sisters, the second is her own relationship with sister.

If her brother in law does know (and again, i''m pretty sure he does) and he''s staying in the relationship, she''d be putting him in a horrid situation that may force him to do something he didn''t want to.. If he doesn''t know, she''s not doing him a favor either because this is something that her SISTER- not his sister in law needs to lay out. doing it anonymously is the chicken way to do it. If you''re going to be doing it that way then you know you shouldn''t be the one saying anything in the first place.

If I were you, i''d talk to my sister. there could be more going on then what she''s told you. perhaps he''s cheating as well. Recommend counseling, tell her you''re not comfortable knowing and if she isn''t trying to work out the problems, you don''t want to know anything more.

I know if it were me in your sisters place or her husbands, the last person i''d want to tell/hear it from is you.

Again, nothing good could possibly come out of this if it''s you who tells him.

Elle, other girls here have said they were the LAST to know, and I have known other situations like that, too. Love overlooks things that might be suspicious. I agree that she may need to confront the sister, but her knowing and not telliing the husband makes her an accomplice. The truth is what will come out of this if he is told. If he is not told, either or both of them can end up with a disease including AIDS, plus the fact that breaking up later when the kids are older will be even more devastating. I''m not saying I know the best way to deal with this, but I think if other people know, it is absolutely time for him to know.

 

[ChargerGrrl]

HairGirl: I really don''t have anything to add. You''ve gotten some great advice from our wise PS community.

just wanted to chime in to say that I feel for you. what a rotten position to be in!

 

[Circe]

I don''t have any siblings, so I''m just trying to imagine how I''d play it if it were one of my very best friends ...

Tell her to stop with the destructive behavior. If she doesn''t love her husband/family, get a divorce, stop lying, and find what will make her happy (and for the LOVE of GOD, start using protection). If she *does* love them, stop the cheating, get into therapy, pronto, and try to fix the problem at the core. Now, neither one of these courses of action is predicated upon telling her husband ... on the one hand, I know I would WANT to know if it was me, and I would be very angry at anyone who withheld the information as complicit ... but at the same time, I just can''t see it playing out well if you get involved in this. Even if you drop an anonymous note, coming so close on the heels of your sister''s having told you, she will know where it came from, and there''s no way to predict what the fallout would be: you might have to reconcile yourself to something as extreme as never seeing your nieces again. SHE needs to be encouraged to reevaluate and change her behavior in one way or another, and to tell her husband about the risks she''s been putting him in the path of ... but your getting involved would be a mistake, I think. That said, you may want to give yourself an internal time-line on this: if she doesn''t shape up in six months, maybe then it should be a "You tell him, or I will" situation. Right now, the fact that she opened up to *you* seems like progess: see if it''s possible to get her to take it further.

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 8/8/2008 4:56:30 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 8/8/2008 4:45:32 PM
Author: elle_chris

Elle, other girls here have said they were the LAST to know, and I have known other situations like that, too. Love overlooks things that might be suspicious. I agree that she may need to confront the sister, but her knowing and not telliing the husband makes her an accomplice. The truth is what will come out of this if he is told. If he is not told, either or both of them can end up with a disease including AIDS, plus the fact that breaking up later when the kids are older will be even more devastating. I''m not saying I know the best way to deal with this, but I think if other people know, it is absolutely time for him to know.

I understand what you''re saying. Point taken about the disease. I''m thinking that since she did catch an STD and may have passed it on to her hubby, she''s using protection now. I''m not in her bedroom though so i don''t know.
We''re also assuming that they''d break up later, when they may not. I also don''t think she or anyone else that may be in this situation needs to feel like an accomplice. She''s not doing anything wrong, her sister is.

It''s a very personal issue. I know that if i was with my spouse, and there was 6 years of a somewhat serious relationship happening on the side, i''d feel something was wrong even if i never caught my husband out right. Those women/men that didn''t know were overlooking some very obvious hints that all was not well. Like you said, because of love. That doesn''t mean they didn''t really know. It just means that didn''t want to accept it until they were ready.
I don''t think a person should be forced to accept something like this from their sister in law.

Everyone here has strong feelings about wanting to/not wanting to know. I know I''m in the camp that wouldn''t want someone close to me breaking the news. I''d want my spouse to do it, or i''d open my eyes when i was ready.

 

[hairgirl95]

Hi everyone--

Wow, you are all so amazing and I really appreciate your support. I am so sorry I didn''t get back on here to post sooner--I just got home from work. I apologize for not responding to each of you individually as you all deserve that for your great advice, but it may take me hours to do so! So just know that I appreciate each of your responses. Onto more details and ? answering--

First, I am 99% positive that her husband has no clue at all. Out of the risk of sounding really bad here, her hubs is just not the brightest bulb in the box. Not real perceptive. I really think he has no clue she is even capable of doing this. Her excuses are so believable to him, and he is just not intuitive enough to pick up on the dumb excuses she does give. The exposure to STD''s is enough to make me want to puke. I worry about other *diseases* she has gotten that we don''t know about. I agree with what many of you said--if it was a one night drunken stupid moment that she has so much regret and remorse for, I would feel BAD, but not be driven to tell her husband. Its the carrying on of essentially a whole second life that just makes me sick. What I am about to write will really make some of you mad--both her daughters have met her long term boyfriend. They have been to his house with her. She tells them he''s a friend of hers. That almost makes me puke to write. I guess my whole reasoning for wanting to tell her husband is because if it were me, I would leave her sorry butt, file for divorce, and get paternity testing done. IF the girls were proven to be mine, I would file for full custody. If they weren''t mine, I would still support them as though they were biologically but I may be unable to get custody. Although his name is on the birth certificate. Its just nauseating really--and carrying this around for 3 years is just a huge burden on myself.

Allycat--your post is exactly what I am worried about. I worry about how big of a rift this will cause. Even if it isn''t my doing and my fault, she made me an accessory. It just really sucks, for lack of a better word.

Tanuki--no, I didn''t promise to keep it confidential, I think she just assumed that I would. About 6 months after she told me, she made a thinly veiled thread about me ever telling anyone about it. I didn''t respond to it. I dismissed it and went on with another subject.

I am positive they aren''t in an open relationship. Her hubs is not doing anything shady at all. He''s a good guy, and is able to be manipulated pretty easily. I am pretty sure he wouldn''t even know what an open marriage is. lol

Phoenix--I have wondered the same thing as to her wanting out but not wanting to initiate it. That thought has crossed my mind several times. Just when I think its the case, she creates more lies to keep him off her tail.

purrfect pear--your post is exactly why I haven''t said anything yet. You posted my exact thoughts.

If this was a friend, I would have told them years ago. I might mention here that I have known about this *multiple affairs/boyfriend* for almost 3 years. The only reason I haven''t told her husband yet is purely because she is my sister. Not that being my sis should give her immunity.

Wishful--I love the marriagebuilders website. I got a lot of valuable information from them when I was going through my ex-hubs cheating on me.

Miraclesrule--sweetie, your reply just touched me. It is such a dysfunctional and sickening situation. When I do see her husband, it makes me sick to think what she does behind his back. I even find myself doubting anyones relationship after hearing the crap my sister has done. And yes, what she is doing could kill both of them. I ditto your grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!

Indy--I love your reply. You raised a really interesting point about the paternity thing. I had not thought of it that way.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your replies and support. I wouldn''t wish anyone to have to go through this crap. I feel dirty just knowing.

 

[trillionaire]

Giving her the option to fight for her marriage (via counseling, etc) still strikes me as unfair to the husband. If ANYONE on PS was being cheated on for 6 years, NO ONE would be advocating for letting the spouse "fix it" without telling their spouse that they were cheating. That is horribly one-sided, and NOT a partnership. This is not a one time indiscretion, this is a pattern of behavior that is unsuitable for any marriage. She even says that she "loves" her boyfriend for goodness sakes. Let the man have his dignity.

If I was being cheated on, and people were CERTAIN, I would always want to know. Always, no matter who told me, and no matter how hurtful it was. Anyone deserves that much respect.

 

[Octavia]

Regarding parentage issues: it would really depend on the state. For example, I learned a lot about California parental laws in one of my classes, and their statutes are primarily designed to protect the traditional nuclear family. So a child born to married parents is "conclusively presumed" to be a child of marriage. If someone wants to challenge that presumption, there are very strict rules about how it can be done, and it's very difficult to have testing ordered after the child is two years old. If people agree to have testing done, it can be done privately, of course. And even after DNA tests, a biological father who hasn't raised the child is usually given far fewer rights, if any, than the child's "social father" has. Other states will have different rules, it can be confusing. Hopefully they are in a state that will protect your brother-in-law if the paternity issue ever arises.

This is a really horrible situation, and I hope that it resolves without any further involvement from you, hairgirl. It's so emotionally difficult when family members do destructive things. Poor kids, I REALLY hope they come through the inevitable (because sooner or later, it is inevitable) ****storm okay.

 

[Sha]

Date: 8/8/2008 4:45:32 PM
Author: elle_chris
six years folks, six years. The chances of her husband knowing that something's going on is pretty high. Now, whether he does or doesn't, her saying something doesn't make the situation any better. All she'd be doing is possibly breaking up two families. the first is her sisters, the second is her own relationship with sister.

If her brother in law does know (and again, i'm pretty sure he does) and he's staying in the relationship, she'd be putting him in a horrid situation that may force him to do something he didn't want to.. If he doesn't know, she's not doing him a favor either because this is something that her SISTER- not his sister in law needs to lay out. doing it anonymously is the chicken way to do it. If you're going to be doing it that way then you know you shouldn't be the one saying anything in the first place.

If I were you, i'd talk to my sister. there could be more going on then what she's told you. perhaps he's cheating as well. Recommend counseling, tell her you're not comfortable knowing and if she isn't trying to work out the problems, you don't want to know anything more.

I know if it were me in your sisters place or her husbands, the last person i'd want to tell/hear it from is you.

Again, nothing good could possibly come out of this if it's you who tells him.

No...it's not the OP who would be 'breaking up' the family, it would be her SISTER and her persistent cheating, IMO. Her actions are hurtful, deceptive, and dangerous, and she doesn't appear to be sorry for it. Let's not 'kill the messenger' ... IMO, the only thing that person would be doing is bringing the sister's hurtful behaviour to light. And possibly preventing a 'sham marriage' from continuing...

About 'forcing the husband to make a decision he didn't want to' - at least he would be in a position to make an informed decision about his future, whether it's an uncomfortable decision or not. Right now it sounds as if he's in the dark - and that's not a good position to be in. He could always choose to stay in the marriage, but at least he would do so voluntarily.

I don't see anything wrong with the sister-in-law informing him if his wife doesn't want to do so herself. How else would the DH know? I agree that maybe a stern talk with the wife/sister might help, to see if she could be persuaded to admit her wrongdoing...but she seems to be a pretty deceptive person, and did say that she liikes to have her cake and eat it too. I dont' know if I would trust her to do it... And how would you confirm whether she really told him or not?

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 8/8/2008 6:12:20 PM
Author: Sha

Date: 8/8/2008 4:45:32 PM
Author: elle_chris
six years folks, six years. The chances of her husband knowing that something''s going on is pretty high. Now, whether he does or doesn''t, her saying something doesn''t make the situation any better. All she''d be doing is possibly breaking up two families. the first is her sisters, the second is her own relationship with sister.

If her brother in law does know (and again, i''m pretty sure he does) and he''s staying in the relationship, she''d be putting him in a horrid situation that may force him to do something he didn''t want to.. If he doesn''t know, she''s not doing him a favor either because this is something that her SISTER- not his sister in law needs to lay out. doing it anonymously is the chicken way to do it. If you''re going to be doing it that way then you know you shouldn''t be the one saying anything in the first place.

If I were you, i''d talk to my sister. there could be more going on then what she''s told you. perhaps he''s cheating as well. Recommend counseling, tell her you''re not comfortable knowing and if she isn''t trying to work out the problems, you don''t want to know anything more.

I know if it were me in your sisters place or her husbands, the last person i''d want to tell/hear it from is you.

Again, nothing good could possibly come out of this if it''s you who tells him.

No...it''s not the OP who would be ''breaking up'' the family, it would be her SISTER and her persistent cheating, IMO. Her actions are hurtful, deceptive, and dangerous, and she doesn''t appear to be sorry for it. Let''s not ''kill the messenger'' ... IMO, the only thing that person would be doing is bringing the sister''s hurtful behaviour to light. And possibly preventing a ''sham marriage'' from continuing...

About ''forcing the husband to make a decision he didn''t want to'' - at least he would be in a position to make an informed decision about his future, whether it''s an uncomfortable decision or not. Right now it sounds as if he''s in the dark - and that''s not a good position to be in. He could always choose to stay in the marriage, but at least he would do so voluntarily.

I don''t see anything wrong with the sister-in-law informing him if his wife doesn''t want to do so herself. How else would the DH know? I agree that maybe a stern talk with the wife/sister might help, to see if she could be persuaded to admit her wrongdoing...but she seems to be a pretty deceptive person, and did say that she liikes to have her cake and eat it too. I dont'' know if I would trust her to do it... And how would you confirm whether she really told him or not?

I don''t believe it''s the sister in laws business any which way you look at it. If someone tells me something in confidentiality about their relationship, i''m not going to tell anyone, period. Hurtful or not. I just don''t think it''s my place. Nor would i want to get involved in someones marriage.

 

[hairgirl95]

Well elle, I have to respectfully disagree with you on it not being my business. Unfortunately, when my sister puked up the entire story 3 years ago, she made it my business whether I liked it or not. And not only was the relationship revealed to me, but continuous updates and shenanigans were revealed to me over the years BY MY SISTER, unprovoked by me. I don''t ask about these things, I am just told. I understand where you are coming from though. Many people feel the same way you do about it. I see it all the time. Many people choose to ignore it and keep the information to themselves. I just feel like its gone on long enough, and I am to the point of feeling irresponsible for NOT telling my BIL. As far as the huge chasm it would cause in my family, I am kind of getting to the point where it doesn''t matter--I have a weird family, as most people do. To be honest, I am pretty sure a few people in my immediate family *know* about her infidelities. No, she hasn''t told them, and they aren''t confirmed, but they have strong suspicions they have alluded to in the past year or so. I am pretty sure noone else has asked her because of the kids. Its kind of a taboo--don''t ask, don''t tell. While the suspicions are there, the confirmation is not for anyone else but me. I am the only one she flat out told.

 

[FrekeChild]

Yeah. I''d tell him. I can''t believe you''ve held onto it for 3 years. I know I couldn''t do it-I would have cracked about 2 years ago. Or actually probably upon the first "update".

Yeesh.

I feel for you hairgirl.

 

[choro72]

I haven''t read all the responses. I think you should tell your sister that either she stops telling you these things, or you are going to let her husband know. Have you talked to her about what she thinks she is doing to her children? What about their medical history? They should know who the father is if only for that reason. Her husband probably knows already.
Sorry if this is a repeat. I''ll go read the responses.

 

[Circe]

I missed the fact that she told you three years ago ... and the additional info. that she''s involving her kids in this makes me change my initial reaction. I definitely think the husband has a right to know. Now, as to how he should be informed, if she''s not planning to do it ... that''s another kettle of fish. You mentioned that your husband was offended by the whole mess: any chance he''s close enough to your BIL to bring it up? I don''t know why, but it seems like it might be easier coming from a member of the same gender, and a person who occupies a similar role within the family ....

 

[princesss]

Date: 8/8/2008 6:57:29 PM
Author: hairgirl95
Well elle, I have to respectfully disagree with you on it not being my business. Unfortunately, when my sister puked up the entire story 3 years ago, she made it my business whether I liked it or not. And not only was the relationship revealed to me, but continuous updates and shenanigans were revealed to me over the years BY MY SISTER, unprovoked by me. I don't ask about these things, I am just told. I understand where you are coming from though. Many people feel the same way you do about it. I see it all the time. Many people choose to ignore it and keep the information to themselves. I just feel like its gone on long enough, and I am to the point of feeling irresponsible for NOT telling my BIL. As far as the huge chasm it would cause in my family, I am kind of getting to the point where it doesn't matter--I have a weird family, as most people do. To be honest, I am pretty sure a few people in my immediate family *know* about her infidelities. No, she hasn't told them, and they aren't confirmed, but they have strong suspicions they have alluded to in the past year or so. I am pretty sure noone else has asked her because of the kids. Its kind of a taboo--don't ask, don't tell. While the suspicions are there, the confirmation is not for anyone else but me. I am the only one she flat out told.

Hairgirl, honey, you can't keep carrying this around. Your sister is hurting you AND herself AND her husband AND her kids.

No real advice here. I wish I could be more helpful. *hugs*

ETA: The part about her bringing the kids to her boyfriend's house really makes me sick.

 

[WishfulThinking]

Date: 8/8/2008 7:24:19 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 8/8/2008 6:57:29 PM

Author: hairgirl95

Well elle, I have to respectfully disagree with you on it not being my business. Unfortunately, when my sister puked up the entire story 3 years ago, she made it my business whether I liked it or not. And not only was the relationship revealed to me, but continuous updates and shenanigans were revealed to me over the years BY MY SISTER, unprovoked by me. I don''t ask about these things, I am just told. I understand where you are coming from though. Many people feel the same way you do about it. I see it all the time. Many people choose to ignore it and keep the information to themselves. I just feel like its gone on long enough, and I am to the point of feeling irresponsible for NOT telling my BIL. As far as the huge chasm it would cause in my family, I am kind of getting to the point where it doesn''t matter--I have a weird family, as most people do. To be honest, I am pretty sure a few people in my immediate family *know* about her infidelities. No, she hasn''t told them, and they aren''t confirmed, but they have strong suspicions they have alluded to in the past year or so. I am pretty sure noone else has asked her because of the kids. Its kind of a taboo--don''t ask, don''t tell. While the suspicions are there, the confirmation is not for anyone else but me. I am the only one she flat out told.

Hairgirl, honey, you can''t keep carrying this around. Your sister is hurting you AND herself AND her husband AND her kids.


No real advice here. I wish I could be more helpful. *hugs*


ETA: The part about her bringing the kids to her boyfriend''s house really makes me sick.

Yeah... the update about that particular choice bit of info sealed it for me. How terrible!

I also think that sort of behavior will make a judge think twice about who to award custody to. I know it''s way preemptive, and I hope it never gets to that point, but it is what it is, and it isn''t looking good for her at all, and it''s looking even worse if the boyfriend she brought around is the bio-father of either or both of those girls.

 

[diamondfan]

I think, no offense, this is not 6th grade and a pinky swear to keep a secret. There are MULTIPLE serious issues at the heart of this.

1. Her continual cheating is putting people at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, not all of which can be cured by tricking hubby into a dose of antibiotics.

2. Her children may have a father who is not the one they think, and for emotional and health reasons this is not right.

3. She has exposed her kids to this man, and at some point THEY might clue in that this is not mom''s "friend" and spill the beans anyway...and she is being indiscrete to do to do so.

4. She is making a mockery of her marriage and has to live with the consequences of such flagrant misdeeds. One time, a fling, maybe you just keep going and keep it to yourself but this is beyond.

5. She is putting her sister in a bind to be the recipient of this terrible information.