Mom Vent (long, sorry)

[sunnyd]

I''ve never officially had a vent post here, so this is a first for me. I just can''t take my family anymore and I don''t know what to do. Lots of eye rolling ahead.

I have one week until my wedding. I couldn''t be more excited to marry the man I love more than anything. But my mom and her advocate (my dad) have been guilting me into feeling terrible about all the decisions I''ve been making thus far and I''ve finally had it. Try and stay with me here...

1. My mom feels like FMIL is too involved in all the planning. So what does she want me to do? Tell her to back off?!

I love my FILs, I''ve felt welcome into the family since day one. When we would go do something wedding, my mom would ask who is going. I''d tell her that FMIL is coming with us, then mom would say that she would just stay home. Give me an effing break! Like I''m supposed to call FMIL and tell her to stay home or you won''t go?!?! Cause that''s not rude or anything, right?!

2. FI''s grandma offered me her garter to wear back in December. Of course I accepted, because I love his g-ma. Yesterday my mom tells me that my grandma found HER garter. So I''m thinking, awesome! I''ll wear both and have both sides represented. Today my dad calls me to say that it''s wrong of me to wear FI''s g-ma''s because she''s not family, and now my g-ma won''t bring hers. WTF?! No one would have an issue if I bought one from a store, but because "it''s not in the family" I have to tell someone sorry, I found a better one?

No thanks.

3. The limo. My parents got a 10 person limo to go down to the venue. Great! Me + 4 BMs + 2 moms + my sister + my bro''s GF + FI''s g-ma (who doesn''t have a way to get there otherwise and is getting her hair done with us anyway) = 10. Perfect! Nope! My mom says it''ll be too squishy (if 10 people don''t fit in a 10 person limo, it needs a new name, IMO...). So my bro''s GF offers to drive behind us with my sister so there''s room. Fine. Then yesterday my mom says that it''s not right that my sister and bro''s GF drive behind because she''s paying for it.

As I''m wondering why this is such a big deal, she says that they''ll just get another limo to ride down with the family. So I said, fine, I''m sure FMIL and FGMIL will have no problem driving behind. Thank god I didn''t tell them about the limo yet, or I''d have to kick them out for &*%#''s sake!

4. My FMIL didn''t come to my bach party because she felt bad about intruding on my mom. I was really sad that she didn''t come.

5. My dad also doesn''t think it''s right that FMIL and FGMIL will be getting ready with my and my BM''s and my mom. "Only family should be in the room with you." Again, give me a break. Silly me, I was under the impression that I could get ready with whomever I wanted!!

6. I was lucky to have two showers thrown for me, one by my mom''s friend, and one by my BMs. The second was held at a friend of FMILs house. My mom doesn''t like this friend. So she was mad the whole time because she felt like none of the attention was going to her as MOB and mad at FMIL and the BMs (FI''s sisters) for holding the shower at someone''s house that she doesn''t like. So that pretty much soils some of the fun memories I had of that.

I just want to run away to Vegas at this point. I''m so sad and pissed off that my day can''t be MY day, it''s my mom''s. Oh and if we ran away, we''d take FI''s family with us, because they''re being completely normal about this. I feel terrible about having to keep telling FI''s family, oh I''m sorry you can''t be involved in this, my mom will get jealous. My mom and FMIL used to be great friends. In the last few months my mom has ruined their friendship. It''s just stupid.

Thanks for reading. Any advice you have you really help me out. I have an impossible time talking calmly to my parents because they guilt me and are so irrational it''s ridiculous. Do I email? Wait until after the wedding?

 

[Lauren8211]

Sunnyd I''m so sorry to hear all of that. I wish people could realize how stressful a wedding is and stop dumping stupid unimportant details on the bride when she''s trying keep collected for her big day.

I find it strange that your parents keep saying "They''re not family." Well, uh... they are now. They are becoming your family, and they should be treated as such. I''m surprised they don''t understand that.

I don''t have any advice because I haven''t exactly been through what you''re going through, but I just wanted to give *hugs*

Personally, if I were in that situation, I''d have to speak my piece to my parents, and I''d do it by email if I felt that doing it in person wouldn''t allow me to get out all of my thoughts and feelings.

 

[sunnyd]

Thanks Elle. That''s what I keep thinking too! They most certainly are family, and at present they''re acting more in my best interests than you are, parents.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Sunny, I am so sorry this is happening to you!

I totally feel for you and have many of the same complaints of my own wedding, except it was just my family driving me crazy and not specifically attacking my FILs!

I send you hugs and I hope that at some point someone you love and trust will remind everyone involved that this is YOUR WEDDING!

And your FMIL and FGMIL ARE YOUR FAMILY!

I felt like my ILs were my family since long before the wedding. Love is what makes you family, not marriage. It''s not like your loving feelings will develop only and instantenously once you are pronounced husband and wife.

I send you much hugs and love!

 

[sunnyd]

Thanks Wannabe. FI has been great through all of this, but I know it''s hurting him too. This is a big day for his family too and he feels like my parents are just brushing them off to the side. My dad even had the nerve to say that my brother should have been one of his GM! They hardly know each other!

 

[joelly]

Hi sunnyd,

I feel so much for you. {{hugs}} I think your mom has been hit by a normal disease that hit moms whose daughter is getting married. I think from her point of view, she is losing her baby girl and she is trying so hard to hold on to you at all cost, even if it means to guilt you into it.

Try not to take it to heart, I know this is easier for me to say than for you to do, but she is your mom and I''m sure she doesn''t mean to hurt your feelings. She just wants you to pay attn to hers. At this moment, in the eve of your wedding, I would suggest for you to try to spend as much time as possible with her, even at the oddest hour, esp in the oddest hour. Have a day off just to spend the whole day with her. Afterall, once you are married, she will go back to normal. It is a phase that all of us, women, will go through.

My mother did this to me too. But I put my foot down this time (with pricescopers help), I showed her that I am an adult now and this wedding is happening and that her support is welcome (although not necessary). Of course I didn''t tell her the one in the bracket cause I didn''t aim to hurt.

So, it will be YOUR day and not your MOM''s day. She got hers a long time ago now it is for her to let this be the time for her daughter to have the time of her life. Of this, you should let her know when you spend a day with her.

So, a week huh? Are you ready?

Congratulations!!!!

 

[sunnyd]

I get what your saying, Joelly. But why would she think I''d want to spend a day with someone who doesn''t take anyone else''s feelings into consideration but her own?! They''re supposed to be helping us move tomorrow (with FI''s family''s help, of course, they''ll probably be mad about that too

) and I don''t even care if they come.

She wants me to think about her feelings? What about my own? I have a million things going on moving and getting married, and I''m trying to please my parents and keep the peace with FI''s family and making myself miserable in the process.

My mom and I have never been close. She has a history of making my big life events about her. I won''t get into it.

 

[wannaBMrsH]

Date: 10/30/2009 12:06:03 PM
Author: sunnyd

My mom and I have never been close. She has a history of making my big life events about her. I won''t get into it.

She is a narcissist!

This one worked on my dumb sister (i have two and the other one isn''t dumb, that''s how I differentiate), when she kept complaining about my FSIL (who has to be made of sugar if nothing else!). She was in the middle of one of her rants and I stopped and said:

"Weird. She never has anything mean to say about you."

Then I followed with, "I wonder how I can intervene the next time she gets on your nerves?" She didn''t say anything else about her the rest of the wedding, which was good because I was so angry with her about all the things she (my dumb sister) did to ME that I would have literally hurt her if she had said anything further.

 

[princessplease]

Sunny, I am so sorry you are going through this, especially being a week out. It's totally unfair to you. I agree with elle; I'd email if it'd be better for you. I am just so sorry you are going through this.

::hugs::

 

[joelly]

Date: 10/30/2009 12:06:03 PM
Author: sunnyd
I get what your saying, Joelly. But why would she think I''d want to spend a day with someone who doesn''t take anyone else''s feelings into consideration but her own?! They''re supposed to be helping us move tomorrow (with FI''s family''s help, of course, they''ll probably be mad about that too

) and I don''t even care if they come.

She wants me to think about her feelings? What about my own? I have a million things going on moving and getting married, and I''m trying to please my parents and keep the peace with FI''s family and making myself miserable in the process.

My mom and I have never been close. She has a history of making my big life events about her. I won''t get into it.

Ohhh I see now, your mom sounds more selfish than I first thought. Geezzz!!! Thats just too bad for her, not for you.

You know what, be selfish too, then. Forget about her all together. You can''t be a peacemaker all the time. She needs to chip in too. So, go and do what you have to do and if she likes it, thats wonderful, if she doesn''t, well then thats too bad, mom.

Gosh, I''m so sorry on what you have to go through this. You are right in the middle and I hate to be in your position. But hey, you are very strong to put up with them for so long, so go for it, it is your day so DO leave behind those who doesn''t want to be happy for you. Even if they are your family.

IMO, they should be ashamed of themselves.

I am angry too now. I know how stressful it is to plan a wedding so it''s bad manners if your family makes it harder for you.

Shame on them!!!!

 

[winelover23]

Sunny - This is just so silly, I honestly think you need to just lay it out like this "Mom, Dad this is my day and trying to keep everyone happy is ruining it for me". I just don''t understand when weddings end up being about making the parents happy when really it''s all about you and your FI and your future together. With your move and everything you have enough on your plate so you should really nip it if you think you can. Hugs!

 

[Bliss]

I am so sorry. I can sense how painful this is for you and also how angry it makes you. Totally justified! However, I think this is a case of your mama being terrified of losing you to this brand new shiny family. I think she's trying to grab every small scrap of you and your special day. Unfortunately, it's coming off as childish and petty, which I'm sure she doesn't mean at all. Just because they're our parents doesn't mean they don't make mistakes or have deep unresolved fears and insecurities. They mean well - they love you more than anything.

Even so, they are causing you some deep wounds and I am sure they feel trapped themselves because they can't help it. Deep inside, I'm pretty sure they know they're being selfish and jealous of your love for your in-laws but they are too scared to admit it. Giving away a daughter is a very very big thing! Some parents freak out and fight for every last inch like you're going away forever - irrational fears, I guess. You're that important to them. They're being clannish because they're afraid of losing you. It's very damaging, I know.

I think as parents get older, they become more like children in that they are so afraid of losing us and can act like babies over the tiniest things. I know my mom did that until I kept reassuring her that I would always be her daughter, that I'd always love her and that she'll always have a huge special place in my heart just for her that no one could replace. Now, after being married and seeing that I still call her every day and how important she is to me - has really eased her fright of losing her "precious little girl" to a new husband and in-laws. She sees that love grows. It doesn't shrink her portion of the pie, it just makes it bigger and richer.

 

[dragonfly411]

Sunny - I''m sorry you are going through this. At this point I"d put my foot down. Tell your mother straight out, this is not her wedding, it is not her day, and it is not about her. Tell her you are hurt that she has made things so unfair to you, and made you feel guilty for accepting FIL''s as part of your new family and you had hoped she''d be mature enough to do the same, but you feel she is being selfish and making this all about her. Explain to her that YOUR wedding should be the happiest day of YOUR life... not her''s and she needs to back off.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/30/2009 12:41:12 PM
Author: winelover23
Sunny - This is just so silly, I honestly think you need to just lay it out like this ''Mom, Dad this is my day and trying to keep everyone happy is ruining it for me''. I just don''t understand when weddings end up being about making the parents happy when really it''s all about you and your FI and your future together. With your move and everything you have enough on your plate so you should really nip it if you think you can. Hugs!

Thank you WL, I think that''s a good starting point for me.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/30/2009 12:46:02 PM
Author: Bliss
I am so sorry. I can sense how painful this is for you and also how angry it makes you. Totally justified! However, I think this is a case of your mama being terrified of losing you to this brand new shiny family. I think she''s trying to grab every small scrap of you and your special day. Unfortunately, it''s coming off as childish and petty, which I''m sure she doesn''t mean at all. Just because they''re our parents doesn''t mean they don''t make mistakes or have deep unresolved fears and insecurities. They mean well - they love you more than anything.

Even so, they are causing you some deep wounds and I am sure they feel trapped themselves because they can''t help it. Deep inside, I''m pretty sure they know they''re being selfish and jealous of your love for your in-laws but they are too scared to admit it. Giving away a daughter is a very very big thing! Some parents freak out and fight for every last inch like you''re going away forever - irrational fears, I guess. You''re that important to them. They''re being clannish because they''re afraid of losing you. It''s very damaging, I know.

I think as parents get older, they become more like children in that they are so afraid of losing us and can act like babies over the tiniest things. I know my mom did that until I kept reassuring her that I would always be her daughter, that I''d always love her and that she''ll always have a huge special place in my heart just for her that no one could replace. Now, after being married and seeing that I still call her every day and how important she is to me - has really eased her fright of losing her ''precious little girl'' to a new husband and in-laws. She sees that love grows. It doesn''t shrink her portion of the pie, it just makes it bigger and richer.

Thank you so much, Bliss, for this post. I''m trying not to break down at my desk at work, but I think this helps me understand a little eensy weensy bit where they''re coming from. I still don''t think it''s right, but I can''t change them. My mom and I have always had a horrible relationship. It got better when I moved out (at 18, that''s how much I needed to get out) but it''s always only been good on the surface because of our past. This is bringing out a lot of pain of which FI doesn''t know the half. I''m trying. Eight more days...

 

[swingirl]

As the mom of a young adult daughter I suggest you plan some things where your mother is given the first consideration. It seems like you are planning with the in-laws and then telling your mother she can join in. I can see how she''d have hurt feelings over that. I certainly would. There are some things that are "mother-daughter" activities. I don''t know your situation and maybe you don''t get along with your parents and really don''t want to do things with them. But when it comes to showers, dress shopping, the girly things, I want to do that with my daughter.

Those moments are very special because it''s the last time a mom will have her little daughter to herself. Just something to think about.

 

[Bliss]

Date: 10/30/2009 1:08:39 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 10/30/2009 12:46:02 PM

Author: Bliss

I am so sorry. I can sense how painful this is for you and also how angry it makes you. Totally justified! However, I think this is a case of your mama being terrified of losing you to this brand new shiny family. I think she's trying to grab every small scrap of you and your special day. Unfortunately, it's coming off as childish and petty, which I'm sure she doesn't mean at all. Just because they're our parents doesn't mean they don't make mistakes or have deep unresolved fears and insecurities. They mean well - they love you more than anything.


Even so, they are causing you some deep wounds and I am sure they feel trapped themselves because they can't help it. Deep inside, I'm pretty sure they know they're being selfish and jealous of your love for your in-laws but they are too scared to admit it. Giving away a daughter is a very very big thing! Some parents freak out and fight for every last inch like you're going away forever - irrational fears, I guess. You're that important to them. They're being clannish because they're afraid of losing you. It's very damaging, I know.


I think as parents get older, they become more like children in that they are so afraid of losing us and can act like babies over the tiniest things. I know my mom did that until I kept reassuring her that I would always be her daughter, that I'd always love her and that she'll always have a huge special place in my heart just for her that no one could replace. Now, after being married and seeing that I still call her every day and how important she is to me - has really eased her fright of losing her 'precious little girl' to a new husband and in-laws. She sees that love grows. It doesn't shrink her portion of the pie, it just makes it bigger and richer.

Thank you so much, Bliss, for this post. I'm trying not to break down at my desk at work, but I think this helps me understand a little eensy weensy bit where they're coming from. I still don't think it's right, but I can't change them. My mom and I have always had a horrible relationship. It got better when I moved out (at 18, that's how much I needed to get out) but it's always only been good on the surface because of our past. This is bringing out a lot of pain of which FI doesn't know the half. I'm trying. Eight more days...

Sunnyd, I totally get where you're coming from. Don't cry! Don't cry! It'll be OK, I promise!

But I get it... I don't know WHAT it was about DH that made my mom turn into a temporary Gollum! Suddenly I was like "her preciousssssses" and she mistakenly started being very petty and jealous with DH and his family. It was my love for him and his family that scared her to death of losing me. We're their world.

Plus, I really adore DH's parents, too. My mom, as with all parents, has flaws. She was so terrified of losing me that she did all the stuff your mom is doing to you. Yeah, we're their PRECIIIOUUUUUUSSSSSSSS! ROFL. A funny way of thinking about it, if you will. If our moms had true lives of their own, were more fulfilled, had more support and were more introspective they wouldn't be this way. But we are THEIR LIVES in a perhaps unhealthy way, like the sun their earth revolves around. So if their PRECIOOOOOUSSSSSS gets threatened they will try to shove the threat into the fire pit at Mordor. I am sure if DH had been standing near the fire pit by himself at Mordor, GollumMama would have accidentally shoved him in. I can just imagine her innocent look trying to hide it, too! That totally cracks me up...Now. Back then, it was NOT funny!

No, in all seriousness... my mom and I are very close. Fast forward to today and she admits her temporary insanity. She really regrets all the pain she put me through when trying to fight for every ounce of my time and love like a little child. She couldn't help it. She was widowed and I was all she had at the time. She had so much fright at the prospect of her world going dark when I left it that she went a little nuts. At the time, I don't think I could have reached her without time and constant reassurance, that's how deep her terror was of losing me. It's a completely unreasonable illogical terror that she had - I think to a lot of parents we are their light and without us around, it's very lonely and hard at times.

So I had to be the adult but it was HARD. She really hurt me during that time but in the end, we are stronger for it. And she ADORES DH because he is amazing. She is a happy camper and I love her more than anything. I think it was a key part of growing up - realizing that I am more mature than my parent... Realizing that parents have deep flaws and forgiving them for being human.

Don't worry, it'll be OK. It'll all be OK. You can't really break a family bond. Just think of your mama like a temporary Gollum - even Gollum used to be a normal Hobbit, right? Smeagol? The thought of losing the preciooooouuusss just made him temporarily insane!

In truth, they are the little girls now. And they're just scared of losing the most important thing ever: us.

ETA: Ahhh, just saw the part about how you and your mama were never super close.. It would make sense that if you never had a close relationship, she'd be really jealous of your close band with your FMIL and FGIL... It's the relationship she never had. Maybe this is kind of like she's being "replaced" by the newer, better mom in your life. Totally irrational, but it sounds like maybe she's just really hurt and angry with herself for her shortcomings. It's a time for lots of regrets because she sees her failures as well when she sees your new relationship with your new FMIL. She's hurting you so much in the process...when she's really perhaps really angry and ashamed by her own behavior. It just comes out in the strangest ways. I hate that you're the one being hurt during this really special joyful time in your life. Sending angels and dust your way!!!

 

[Amanda.Rx]

What would happen if you were completely honest with her? Write down all those things you just told us and share them with her. Tell her how each one of those things made you feel.

Maybe then she would realize that she''s being stubborn?

I''m so sorry, honey! That''s about the best advice I can offer. Hopefully, everything will go smoothly on your special day!

 

[Squirrly]

huuuuuuuugssssss.

i hope you''re able to tell her somehow how all this makes you feel.
thankfully you''re only getting married once

and in one week it''ll all be over and you won''t have to see her all that often

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/30/2009 1:10:27 PM
Author: swingirl
As the mom of a young adult daughter I suggest you plan some things where your mother is given the first consideration. It seems like you are planning with the in-laws and then telling your mother she can join in. I can see how she''d have hurt feelings over that. I certainly would. There are some things that are ''mother-daughter'' activities. I don''t know your situation and maybe you don''t get along with your parents and really don''t want to do things with them. But when it comes to showers, dress shopping, the girly things, I want to do that with my daughter.

Those moments are very special because it''s the last time a mom will have her little daughter to herself. Just something to think about.

She has been there for all mother-daughter activites! But it''s not good enough. I don''t know what else I''m supposed to do to make her happy. I can''t do anything else; it just makes me feel worse. FI wants to include his mom in planning stuff. She''s HIS mom. He is the GROOM, and my mom thinks it''s all about her.

I don''t WANT to spend time with just her. I WANT to spend time with people who make me happy and who won''t stress me out and guilt me into feeling like I''m worthless all the time. Is that so much to ask?

I''m glad you have a close relationship with your daughter. My FMIL is very close to her daughters as well. I wish my mom and I were close, but it will never be like that for us. I hope I don''t repeat the pattern with my daughter(s).

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/30/2009 1:36:23 PM
Author: Amanda.Rx
What would happen if you were completely honest with her? Write down all those things you just told us and share them with her. Tell her how each one of those things made you feel.

Maybe then she would realize that she''s being stubborn?

I''m so sorry, honey! That''s about the best advice I can offer. Hopefully, everything will go smoothly on your special day!

Ugh, I don''t know. If history repeats itself, I''ll still get blamed for everything. I really want to tell her, but it might have to wait until after the wedding. I don''t want this over my head, know what I mean?

LOL, thanks Squirrly.

 

[fleur-de-lis]

Date: 10/30/2009 12:06:03 PM
Author: sunnyd
I get what your saying, Joelly. But why would she think I''d want to spend a day with someone who doesn''t take anyone else''s feelings into consideration but her own?! They''re supposed to be helping us move tomorrow (with FI''s family''s help, of course, they''ll probably be mad about that too

) and I don''t even care if they come.


She wants me to think about her feelings? What about my own? I have a million things going on moving and getting married, and I''m trying to please my parents and keep the peace with FI''s family and making myself miserable in the process.

My mom and I have never been close. She has a history of making my big life events about her. I won''t get into it.

Gah. If your mother has a lifelong history of such narcissistic behavior, no conversation in the week before the wedding is going to "fix" her. (I''d even guess she''s actually angling to get you upset because that way she gets your attention on her instead of on you-- where it SHOULD be, dontcha know. Narcissists are just like that.)

Sweetie, I''m so sorry you''re going through this right now. Your wedding is in a week, and you know in your heart that it''s okay and reasonable for you to focus on the day, the event, and this exciting new life journey you are undertaking. Your mother''s behavior right now is embarrassingly in the wrong. The mindset of "let''s punish the bride by withholding the garter" alone is 18 shades of wrong. The jealousy of your FMIL and its basis in fear that your FMIL''s loving normalcy highlights your mother''s emotional deficiencies is wrong. Subjecting a nervous bride-to-be with all of these STUPID issues over a too-small limo is wrong. My heart breaks for you.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/30/2009 1:47:03 PM
Author: fleur-de-lis

Gah. If your mother has a lifelong history of such narcissistic behavior, no conversation in the week before the wedding is going to ''fix'' her. (I''d even guess she''s actually angling to get you upset because that way she gets your attention on her instead of on you-- where it SHOULD be, dontcha know. Narcissists are just like that.)

Sweetie, I''m so sorry you''re going through this right now. Your wedding is in a week, and you know in your heart that it''s okay and reasonable for you to focus on the day, the event, and this exciting new life journey you are undertaking. Your mother''s behavior right now is embarrassingly in the wrong. The mindset of ''let''s punish the bride by withholding the garter'' alone is 18 shades of wrong. The jealousy of your FMIL and its basis in fear that your FMIL''s loving normalcy highlights your mother''s emotional deficiencies is wrong. Subjecting a nervous bride-to-be with all of these STUPID issues over a too-small limo is wrong. My heart breaks for you.

Thank you FDL. I''ve never actually thought of her as a narcissist, but I guess it''s true. I''ll wait to tell her how I feel. Thanks for the kind words.

 

[kas baby]

wow. It''s hard to read stuff like this, really sad. The wedding should be about celebrating the relationship between two people. The friends and families are there to give you guys support, encouragement, love, and to have a great time together. I can''t believe all the things they said about your FI''s family NOT being YOUR family. "only one family should be with you in the room"? What is that! They are all your family- one family!!
This just boggles my mind. Maybe my family is weird, but my sisters call FI their brother, none of that legal crap, like brother in law, nope, he''s just a part of the family. FI always gets his own cards for holidays, no combined card for the two of us. My parents adore him. He always gets invited to family events- even if I''m not going to be there! FI and his family are now just an extension of our own.

It pains me to hear that your mother is being so insecure about you spending time with other people from your family. To me it just sounds like the ''popular girl in school'' having a tantrum because someone else is getting the spotlight they deserve. She should be there for you, and excited that you FMIL and FGMIL are getting along so well, and that your FI''s family loves and accepts you and that they want you and FI to be happy. She should be excited that she gets to share your happiness on your day.

hugs to you! I''m sure your wedding will be great. Don''t let your mom ruin it. If she wants to sulk and not have any fun- whatever. that''s her own problem. You don''t have to get sucked in and deal with her crap.

 

[trillionaire]

I''m sorry that you are going through all of this so close to your wedding.

It will be over soon!

We are not really very far into wedding planning at this point, but my family has been very opinionated and pushy (my dad gave FI and I a deadline to set our date

), and they have no problem making me feel bad or guilty about decisions that I am making. FI''s family, on the other hand, has been NOTHING but lovely and supportive, and it is such a breath of fresh air. It really makes it so much easier to interact with people when they are happy and supportive rather than critical and demanding. So, I feel you, and I hope it gets better for you!

Big Hugs!!!

 

[that_someone_special]

awwww MOMS! I swear! I don''t know what to say other than I am sorry this has been happening. The only thing I can think of is that they don''t want to "lose you" to his family.


Positive thoughts your way!

 

[packrat]

I''m so sorry Sunny! I would think rather than acting so jealous of your relationship w/the FIL''s, she would be happy that you guys do get along so well. What''s she going to do during holidays or other times you might want the whole family to get together? Ugh, I hope at some point she can come to the realization that she''s not losing her daughter (which, if you guys don''t have a great relationship to begin with, I don''t really get why she would feel that way), she''s gaining a SIL and what sounds like a great extended family! Hugs to you!

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 10/30/2009 6:10:46 PM
Author: packrat
I''m so sorry Sunny! I would think rather than acting so jealous of your relationship w/the FIL''s, she would be happy that you guys do get along so well. What''s she going to do during holidays or other times you might want the whole family to get together? Ugh, I hope at some point she can come to the realization that she''s not losing her daughter (which, if you guys don''t have a great relationship to begin with, I don''t really get why she would feel that way), she''s gaining a SIL and what sounds like a great extended family! Hugs to you!

Thanks packrat. For a few holidays, we''ve all gotten together! So I don''t understand what happened to bring all this on.

One Thanksgiving, my parents'' friends got all miffed because THEY were no longer "the center of attention" when FI''s family was there, and we talked about how dumb that was. Now they''re doing the same damn thing. I just don''t get it.

 

[yssie]

Oh, my.

I don't have specific examples like that, but I've definitely heard the "keep it in the family" routine wrt wedding stuff - and it didn't work any better for me than it does for you, because they are part of my family now.

It used to really confuse me, because nothing my mum and dad did or said in any other context pointed to them thinking this way: they're very welcoming of FI's family, always asking after him and his parents and siblings, inviting them to all family events and vice-versa. Then I realised that they're just scared of losing me, letting go is hard, even harder I'd guess since I'm their only. It's been a lot easier to make a point to include everyone and let the odd comment go since I know the motivation.

That said, I really am closer to my mum than FMIL, no matter how much I like her, so some things I'm only going to do with my mum . Fortunately FMIL is very understanding and is happy to accomodate all of our strange and unique wants . They really are a wonderful family, I definitely lucked out on the in-laws front

 

[pocahontas]

Oh Sunny, I hate that you''re going through this BS with your family, especially a week before your wedding. Seriously, what the hell gets into families during the whole wedding planning process?! Gah, I''m so upset and annoyed for you (((HUGS))) I think talking to your parents is a great idea, but are they really going to hear you?! If not, are you then setting yourself up for more hurt and frustration right before your wedding? Do you think it would be best to maintain status quo for now and then sit them down after the wedding to discuss your feelings? Only you know the answers to these questions. Whatever you decide I wish you all the best. I know it''s hard, but please don''t let your parents take away the joy and excitement of this very special time in yours and FI''s life.