Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

Mean girls -help me help my daughter

kipari

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
1,830
My 10 y/o has a "queen bee" type girl in her class.
Said girl has a hierarchically structured gang of five other girls around her. They are basically at her command.
There are 6 more girls in the class, including my daughter.

There are nine boys.
We are at an academically elitist school, so theres only one class per year for the first four years. Kiss stay the same except for max. two new kids per year .

We moved internationally and arrived one year than the majority. Queen bee was nasty to my daughter.

Daughter genuinely didn't care, because she found a best friend and that's all she wants. Unfortunately best friend moved internationally after one year. She became friends with another girl. Things were OK. Mean girl wanted contact with my daughter, but she said clearly that she wasn't interested in any drama and just wants to be left alone.

Third year: another new girl comes into the class. Mean girl makes her her "deputy" (their words). But new girl also befriends my daughter (both love horse riding).
After they start taking riding lessons together (since the new school year started in September), mean girl went ballistic and actively tries to manipulate and control my daughter as well as her friend and her "deputy".
We're not the only parents, who aren't ok with those dynamics. We talked to teachers and other parents and the girls' parents. Nothing works. I'm trying to stay constructive and never blame the other girl (also a child ..). We asked the teachers if it wouldn't be beneficial to have an external anti mobbing coach come in. They aren't too interested.

Tonight we had another total meltdown because my daughter feels alone and knows that mean girl tries to manipulate all other girls.
What can we do?

Changing schools is not an option (we're at a bilingual school with a different curriculum).
 

dk168

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
5,368
Not much help except to say, do not be afraid to be alone, stand on your own two feet, be yourself, and do not bow to pressure to conform with the others' demands.

I was never bullied when I was at school, as I was not a pushover and made sure the other girls knew that.

I did not join in any gangs or had a gang of my own.

I just did my own things, head down and studied hard, and stayed out of trouble.

I was involved in an incident with the others in the same year in my house, and was offered immunity from punishment if I were to tell the truth about what happened to the headmistress.

I was not going to be a snitch as I knew life would be unbearable. So I stuck with the agreed version of the event, resulted in being grounded for the entire year with the other girls.

As soon as I came out of my interview with the headmistress, I stormed into the common room of my year in my house, and told the other girls I would not get involved in any of their games anymore.

I was 15 at the time, a year after I started attending a boarding school in the UK.

It taught me a very valuable lesson in life, about managerial courage, to have the self confidence to speak out and be myself, and not be a sheep.

I look back to that event with fondness to this day.

Good luck!

DK :))
 

OoohShiny

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 25, 2014
Messages
7,062
If the mean girl feels she needs to control the world around her, perhaps she feels like she has no control of her life at home.

Perhaps the situation could be re-framed in that she should be viewed with pity or concern?

Although to do so might mean she takes advantage and plays to it, or reacts badly and lashes out, or any other reaction which is impossible to predict 'because crazy'. :|


It is tricky, though - us menfolk are generally simple types and will either have something out with someone causing a problem or put it on the shelf and studiously ignore it, but (younger) girls often seem to be all about the drama, fuelled (I assume) by those appalling, brainless TV shows where such things are 'normal'. :rolleyes:

Does the school have governors you could write to as a group of concerned parents? What is the (written) bullying policy? Is there an anti-bullying course being run nearby that your daughter and other interested children in the class could take?
 

arkieb1

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 11, 2012
Messages
9,171
The school needs to look into why Queen Bee is like that. I'm a retired English/History teacher, there would be things going on in that girls home or behaviours that have been learned and or allowed there.....
 

AV_

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 5, 2018
Messages
3,380
I did not notice such things back in the day [scholarship is still my contact sport!]; since I have & it still does work to feign ignorance. Friends are free to choose friends, even for the wrong reason [yet - ]; I remain with enough.

- can you talk with your daughter's torn friend, to find out what choices is she facing? I see no other party worth talking to.
 
Last edited:

azstonie

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 1, 2014
Messages
3,758
Mistakes have already been made here by the adults (I'm including you here). Absolutely positively DO NOT talk to or contact *children.* It's unfair and wrong. They don't have the same skills and adult benefits you have. This should not have to be said.

The teachers can't do anything about the out of school activities/behaviors, nor should they.

If your daughter is having trouble with something or someone, your job is to help her yourself or get someone on board who can as it is their profession/job. You model problem solving for And with her. The flat truth is you cannot change other people, all you can do is work on your own thinking, your own actions, what you want.
 

rainydaze

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 1, 2007
Messages
2,787
azstonie I don't see where kipari said she contacted the child or any children.

That said, I was thinking the same thing... that getting some outside help for your daughter to deal with this dynamic and person is probably the most (and only) effective route. People like her can be encountered anywhere, any time, throughout our lives. Nothing will change those people; the key is for the rest of us to learn the skills to deal with them effectively.

A good-fit therapist will help provide some insight, guidance, and tools to help your daughter navigate the situation. A good therapist will also give your daughter objective space to blow off steam should she need to regarding the atmosphere this creates, as well as reinforce confidence and assertiveness for your daughter. This will, in turn, take some of the pressure off of you. Which I would not have thought important, until I experienced that for myself. DH and I had a good foundation but there were cobwebs; the therapist clears the cobwebs.

(We had a similar situation in preschool-4th with our daughter, who is now in high school. Hindsight is 20/20. We thought we were giving her some tools, yet we were still struggling to truly help her. We knew we couldn't confront the child, and we lightly talked to the parents. Eventually we just told the mom that the relationship was not healthy for our daughter and we did not wish to continue to arrange get-togethers. We told our daughter she did not have to engage with this child - she was clear that she did not want to - and gave her some words and phrases to establish boundaries. The parents, who were aware and trying to help their daughter, the school, and other parents, were all aware. It didn't make a difference. She was frighteningly good at putting on an angelic show, and hiding her true nature and damaging behaviors which continue to this day. She was excellent at manipulating my DD and other children to continue to impact them. My daughter changed schools for other reasons so the problem 'went away'. DD just started seeing a therpist for reasons not related to that situation, but the damage it did came up - and boy, did it create some lasting damage. It clicked in one of her appointments that having DD see a therpist back then would have been so beneficial. We needn't have struggled for the answers, and my DD needn't have suffered quite so much.
 

JPie

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 12, 2018
Messages
2,653
Sadly, a lot of mean girls like your daughter's classmate grow up to be mean women, and they're really not any easier to deal with as adults. I think what others have said about teaching your daughter the words to establish boundaries firmly is probably the best approach since removing her from the situation isn't an option.
 

GliderPoss

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
2,273
I was friends with someone like this all through high school. She was dealing with terrible issues and home, hence tried to control all other aspects of her life but she was extremely manipulative and damaging! Frankly teachers & parents were useless and the more involved they got - the worse her behaviour got. I should have simply told her to p*ss off and walk away (I did finally at uni). This is the only language they will understand - remove their power over you. Act like you don't care. Continue to engage & be friends with others. Show you are a good friend to those who reciprocate positive behaviours.
 

sonnyjane

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 13, 2008
Messages
2,471
There’s nothing to do other than encourage your daughter that being kind is superior and that sometimes, you’ll have to deal with being hurt and alone.

The more you get involved and try to change this situation, the more frustrated you’ll be. School is tough. It just is. My experience starting in 5th grade all the way through middle and high school was pretty much horrible. But then you grow up, go to college or into the work force, and get to be your own person. And while it’s cliche, those people that made my life hell are all losers now (thanks for keeping me updated, social media!).
 

StephanieLynn

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 2, 2016
Messages
5,392
We went through a rough patch at the beginning of school. Boys are different though because they act out physically. I did tell my son "you can't control other people but you can control how you react to other people". Seems simple but I just kept reminding him that he is a good person and also shared that maybe this kid that hit him for no apparent reason probably had some things going on at home and that we should try to be sympathetic.

Some kids are struggling at home and the only place they feel they can be in control is at school. Not making excuses but I have found that to be true many times.

I hope things get better for your daughter soon!
 

lovedogs

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 31, 2014
Messages
9,950
Mistakes have already been made here by the adults (I'm including you here). Absolutely positively DO NOT talk to or contact *children.* It's unfair and wrong. They don't have the same skills and adult benefits you have. This should not have to be said.

The teachers can't do anything about the out of school activities/behaviors, nor should they.

If your daughter is having trouble with something or someone, your job is to help her yourself or get someone on board who can as it is their profession/job. You model problem solving for And with her. The flat truth is you cannot change other people, all you can do is work on your own thinking, your own actions, what you want.
I am confused by your post. OP never said that she contacted a child, she said she spoke with other parents.
 

Bron357

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 22, 2014
Messages
3,975
Definately consider counseling so your daughter has someone else to talk to and who can help her with strategies to manage the situation.
Mean girl is not suddenly going to become nice and the girls in her “gang” are probably in it as it saves them from being the one being picked on. Awful.
id also investigate other hobbies or activities that your daughter might enjoy - art classes, dance, music, etc so she can met other girls her age and hopefiully form new friendships there.
Mean girls unfortunately are everywhere, you can be 10 or 30 or 50 and still come across mean girls who make you feel small, who pick on you.
help Your daughter understand that people’s behaviour is often a reflection of what’s in their own lives. Mean girl probably has a difficult home life, she is probably very insecure and the only way she can feel in control is being queen bee in a group and by bullying. She feels better by making other people feel bad. That’s the sad truth.
sending hugs.
 

arkieb1

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
May 11, 2012
Messages
9,171
Tell your daughter to become friends with one of the other girls not in Queen Bee's group.

Talk to the parents of the "deputy" and see how they feel about that friendship and see if they can actively discourage their daughter from participating in bullying behaviour....
 

Niffler75

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 3, 2020
Messages
366
@kipari I am so sorry this is happening to your daughter. This type of bullying behaviour is so insidious. :x2 I agree with other posters that there is probably a reason why this girl is behaving in the way she is.
Number 1 priority is your daughters emotional health. She needs support and friendships outside this situation for her wellbeing and to boost her confidence.
School should not be allowing this behaviour to continue. Your daughter has a right to go to school and feel comfortable and safe. I don't know what country you are in. If in the UK I can point you to resources. But this situation can be challenged. If needs be start to keep a log of incidents to make a formal complaint.
Take care
 

kipari

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
1,830
Thanks everyone for your great advice. I posted late at night ( for me ) and am running errands this morning. Will come back and respond individually later!!
 

kipari

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
1,830
Thanks @dk168 for sharing your experience. My daughter is the same in that she just wants to be left alone.
But QB keeps trying to trigger a reaction from her.
She also longs (her quote) " for one reliable honest true blue friend"

You're right @OoohShiny , of the teachers said the same thing to me...That family seems to encourage this behaviour in their kids...

@arkieb my daughter has (naturally, without any plan behind it) befriended the "deputy" . QB is very good at what she's doing: the degraded her immediately for two months. She also heightened the pressure on my daughter. They now keep their friendship to themselves at school and meet at home . Deputy's parents are aware of the problem, talk to their daughter... but she's very influenceable (their words)

@azstonie We absolutely never contacted any kids. What said was that we were very careful to maintain a constructive and respectful discourse with everyone involved, which means parents, teachers and the principal. We presented them several external consultants which the parents' association agreed to pay for. Two out of the three teachers think this is too much work. This behaviour is IN school, so in my opinion they should react.
 

kipari

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
1,830
@rainydaze , thanks for sharing and confirming that my gut feeling might be right. We are on the waiting list for three child psychologists.We hope we'll get an appointment soon and find the right person.

@JPie , you're right . I try to tell her, that at least she learns how to identify those people later on in her life...

@GliderPoss , yes she's extremely manipulative. It's frightening. She doesn't take no for an answer. For instance she even approached my 12 y/o son , tried to charm him and then get Infos about DD. He's a great brother, so just told her: " I keep hearing you're not nice to other people. Keep away from my sister"
 

kipari

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
1,830
@sonnyjane , I'm afraid you might be right, however we have experienced things differently for my son. His teacher, having lived through a horrible school experience as a gay boy made it a priority to not tolerate any of this bs. He was strict but extremely fair and even the meanest girl in school didn't act up.... Sigh...
 

kipari

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
1,830
@Bron357 , thanks for the much needed hug. I told her yesterday that some people feel small inside and they want to make others miserable, just to feel better. One should ideally pity them. But it doesn't excuse nastiness.
 

House Cat

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
3,875
Is it possible to try one more time with the school? I feel that with private school you should have more leverage as a “paying customer.” It would be my assumption that at a private school they would have higher behavior standards because enrollment is optional.

Is there a superintendent or the equivalent you can talk to? This is bullying behavior. This girl has the entire classroom under her thumb and she is bullying multiple children. Furthermore, nothing is being done about it. This is behavior that can have lasting effects on the kids in this class. It needs to be addressed.

I also agree that it would be good to get your daughter into therapy. My son was bullied a couple of times and therapy helped him immensely. It gave him resilience. She might gain perspective in therapy that she can’t get at home. It’s interesting how hearing advice from someone other than your parents can really help sometimes.
 

kipari

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
1,830
Thanks @Niffler75 ! two of the teachers madenut very clear to us, that they don't want the extra work this involves... Really sad. We're keeping a log of incidents. We have always encouraged friendships outside school. My kids get along VERY well with my own friends' kids. But they are all over the globe,so not day to day friendships. We are actively inviting nice girls from all activities (dancing, swimming, horse riding for my daughter).
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
31,461
@kipari I am so sorry. What an ugly situation. I have no additional advice to offer to the mostly wise advice you have already received. Sending you and your DD gentle hugs and hoping the situation is resolved to your and your DD's satisfaction.
 

kipari

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
1,830
Thanks, @housecat!

We have pressed the school to hold a parent -teacher reunion on the topic. Including the headmistress for our grades (who's leaving in. The end of this term,so not willing to do much) and the superintendent (who just arrived and doesn't want to ruffle any feathers with the two ladies,who don't want to have work more).

For perspective: I went to the our parent representatives for this,who took over. They were treated condescendingly.
They are livid , but keep calm and keep trying to have an external anti mobbing coach come in...
 

kipari

Brilliant_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 9, 2015
Messages
1,830
Thanks @missy !!!


As usual it's great to get more thoughts and opinions from PSers. My own family is as protective of DD as me and the other parents are in the same boat than us, so not many different points of view to contemplate for me...
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
31,461
Thanks @missy !!!


As usual it's great to get more thoughts and opinions from PSers. My own family is as protective of DD as me and the other parents are in the same boat than us, so not many different points of view to contemplate for me...
I agree it is good to get outside perspective on the situation but ultimately you will follow your gut as it should be. Sharing more thoughts and please feel free to ignore any or all of it. I have no kids and have never been through this so who am I to share my thoughts? I will not be insulted if you do not agree or ignore.

First of all your DD is super lucky because she has you and your family who are supportive and loving and that gives her the tools she needs to get through this successfully.

Second of all, IMO-
Any bullying that happens on school grounds needs to be dealt with by the school professionals.
No bullying should be tolerated by school officials on school grounds! That should be without question unacceptable behavior. And should IMO be dealt with by the school.
You obviously cannot get involved with the mean girls nor should you.

Professional counseling to help your DD deal with the ugly behavior of the mean girls can only help. One cannot (easily) change such ugly behavior but one can have the tools to most effectively deal with it. Your DD is sweet and young and has no prior experience so anything that can help her manage this is good.

Your DD cannot control what the mean girls say or do but her response is something she has complete control over. She should remain calm and her response free of anger or emotion. Or she can just walk away. (Again my unprofessional opinion). But standing up to the mean girls calmly shows strong and confident behavior. And surround herself with friends who are nice and caring. Having this support is very helpful in helping your DD not feel alone.


Sadly the mean girls will most likely grow up to be miserable individuals. Behavior like this indicates a very unhappy child. Happy children are sweet and kind and unhappy children are mean and miserable. I feel for the mean girls too because of what they must be going through but of course I care more about your sweet daughter and her well being.

I didn't mean to write so much sorry. I tend to write as my thoughts flow.

Bucketloads of successful resolution dust being sent your and your DD's way.
 

House Cat

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 22, 2009
Messages
3,875
There have been times when I was very cordial during incidences that involved my son and the administration walked all over me. Because of this...my son’s needs were not met. Looking back on these incidences, I regret being so agreeable.

I wish I had been the squeaky wheel. The only people who suffered were my son and my family.

There have been other times when I didn’t take any crap and people did what they were paid to do. In those instances, my son’s needs were met and I have no regrets whatsoever.

I’m saying this so that you know that maybe these people need a fire lit under their butts. You have been doing a lot for your daughter but these people are unbelievable.
 

luv2sparkle

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Feb 3, 2008
Messages
7,698
I agree with Housecat as we have had the same experiences. All schools should provide a safe learning environment for you child. That is not happening for your DD. Bullying makes you feel unsafe. It makes learning difficult. You are paying for that education and anything that makes that more difficult for your DD is unacceptable. I am not saying that you go in heavy handed but just don't give in or give up. It is easier for the school if they don't have to deal with this problem or set of parents but they need to. It's not your job to make their lives easy. Go to the board if you have to.
 

marymm

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Apr 21, 2010
Messages
3,987
I really encourage you to find a qualified counselor ASAP who can engage with your child as a target of bullying and provide her with coping mechanisms NOW and on an ongoing basis.

Even if the private school were to implement an school-wide anti-bullying program or only conduct a narrow investigation into your child's situation, it would take time and may not actually accomplish what you wish ... often it seems that investigations worsen bullying behavior.
 
Last edited:

Alex T

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 24, 2012
Messages
4,744
Thanks @Niffler75 ! two of the teachers madenut very clear to us, that they don't want the extra work this involves... Really sad. We're keeping a log of incidents. We have always encouraged friendships outside school. My kids get along VERY well with my own friends' kids. But they are all over the globe,so not day to day friendships. We are actively inviting nice girls from all activities (dancing, swimming, horse riding for my daughter).
Can I just say, that the school not wanting to get involved in what amounts to bullying on their premises, is disgusting. This would never be tolerated here. It only takes one sniff of a phone call from an upset parent to the Head Teacher, as is what happened where I work this very week, for parents to be brought in & solutions discussed. Bullying at schools here has zero tolerance & often results in suspension or in extreme cases, expulsion.

I am really sorry your daughter is having to go through this. I hope she can be the bigger person & keep her head up high. Bowing to the drama is exactly what a bully wants you to do, as they thrive on the reaction they achieve.
 
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top