Living together before marriage...

[fire&ice]

All I wanted to express (against my better judgement) was that I felt some of the opinions one way--or the other--were overbearng and bordering on insulting to those of the opposing view. To each his own in this very personal and sensitive matter.

Yes.

And, to add - I don''t have to live with anyone to figure out whether I could or not. I''m more insightful than that. Most things my spouse does - doesn''t bother me.

Know someone? I''m still learning things about my hubby. Quite frankly, the discovery is part of the fun. Core stuff - pretty transparent. The reason for the core stuff is what''s a discovery sometimes.

Quirks & relationship issues are pretty clear in my mind. The semantics of arguing such is pretty silly. Leaving socks on the floor - quirk. If *I* choose to make it an *issue* & repeatly request that my live-in to please refrain - and he chooses to not respect my wishes - pretty telling in my book. And, I think I would know that personality trait before living together. But then, I would never live/marry someone who didn''t respect me enough to give in to a request. But, But, I learn to pick my battles. Someone who makes such an issue may be veiled in an issue of their own. Again, pretty transparent. The worse poison for a relationship is being passive agressive.

To each his own. There is nothing important to our relationship/life that I learned about my spouse after moving in together that I didn''t know beforehand. Since the pendulum seems to swing in favor of living together, I''m going to be the other sway. The journey of knowing someone''s living quirks after marriage is part of the fun. It''s also a learning experience - and a bonding one at that.

Nope, not necessary in my book. Funny, I will have to ask hubby about this. We didn''t live together out of respect for our families. It really wasn''t a big deal. But, being a spread sheet king (a quirk that drives me nuts - but goes to core of his decision/thought process), he may think living together is important (at this point). Me, I jump right into things & just pick one.

 

[sevens one]

Date: 11/25/2004 9:27:19 AM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 11/24/2004 11

3:40 PM
Author: Jennifer5973

Date: 11/23/2004 8:46:56 PM
Author: aljdewey

That''s really what it boils down to.....knowing that you can live happily with someone. Sometimes you can''t, and it''s no one''s fault. Better to find that out before you marry than after. Life is just too short to squander trying to make square pegs fit into round holes. I just don''t understand a thought process that says ''make a decision without fully knowing the implications, and if it turns out you made a bad choice, oh well.... live with it.''That just defies logic to me.

I understood this to mean, fully considering the context, that not living together is somehow illogical. Saying someone''s choice not to live together ''defies logic'' is translated as ''illogical.''

I skimmed the 4 pages but I didn''t find ''stupid.'' I had thought someone else had used that word in reference to this issue. Perhaps I am mistaken or have threads confused. Regardless, overbearing opinions are peppering this thread and it''s just gotten out of hand.

, and if you find that overbearing, perhaps this isn''t the format for you. If it''s gotten ''out of hand for you'', the simple solution is to abstain from participating. No one is forcing you to read it.

I just find that last comment rude and unnecessary.

 

[websailor]

Perhaps in the spirit of Thanksgiving, everyone can call a truce for today????

DOVES OF PEACE
one of the most recognised symbols of peace is the dove.
its origins are from the story of noah and the ark.
when the rains that flooded the earth stopped pouring
down, noah sent out various birds to see if they would
bring back any sign of land to his boat.
he was anxious to begin life again on dry pasturage.
one dove eventually returned carrying an olive branch.
after world war II pablo picasso, was responsible for
the decisive use of the dove of peace : his lithograph
designed for the international peace congress in paris,
1949, features the white ancestor of a new family of
doves. since then, graphic artists have produced an
endless series of doves of peace in different shapes.

 

[heart prongs]

I read through some of these posts but not all of them...I just want to share my experience.

Dana and I lived together for two years before we got engaged, 11 months engaged, and 3 months now as a married couple. We moved in together simply because we wanted to be together all the time. We knew after about a year (well I knew after our first date but that''s another story!) that we''d get married. To have the ring, the wedding and the honeymoon of our dreams took some saving on both our parts. Dana also was in the middle of switching careers and he went back to school. So we moved in together to be together and save money for our wedding. We learned a lot over the past five years: that we can have fun doing absolutely nothing but talking or watching reality TV, how to deal with each other''s moods when it comes to financial, family, and wedding issues, and what we found was just how solid and secure our relationship is.

What bothers me is when people ask us if it was disappointing after we got back from our HM that nothing had changed since we had already lived together...HUH? Plenty has changed...The year before we got engaged was stressful, planning a wedding was stressful, now we just get to sit back and relax and enjoy the fact that we made a commitment to each other for life. Our bond grows stronger all the time...that to me is hardly disappointing!!!

klr (ps: today is my birthday) happy thanksgiving to you all!!!

 

[Mara]

I think we should all have to live together as punishment for this thread! Group Hug!!

Now, I''ve got potatoes to boil!

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 11/25/2004 10:33

2 AM
Author: sevens one


I just find that last comment rude and unnecessary.

I see......but coming here and calling people overbearing and telling them they are out of hand is somehow not rude? I don't think so.

I seriously don't intend to be rude to anyone, and I'm sorry you find it that way. I'm not in the practice of being anything other than direct, and I know that sometimes matter-of-fact and direct can often be mistaken for affrontive.
There's a more common way of expressing it....."If you can't handle the heat, don't hang out in the kitchen", but I was expressly trying not to be rude.

This is a forum......which entails (at times) a passionate exchange of ideas. That's the nature of the format. This forum also has a moderator, and it's up to him to decide when things are "out of hand" and when they are not.

Regardless, I've surpassed my tolerance level for indignation at this point, so I will do as I formerly suggested and abstain.

 

[miyabi_na]

Hello,

I’m new to the forum but I’ve read though this post extensively and saw all the great advice and stories everyone had on this subject. I need some advice from someone OTHER than my parents about this same subject. Here’s the situation:

My boyfriend recently bought a BEAUTIFUL 2-bedroom condo in one of the nicest neighborhoods in the area. It’s a very comfortable and modern space. My boyfriend’s little brother (by 2 years) decided last minute to get on the contracts so now they both own the condo. His little brother’s girlfriend of 4 years (who has become like a little sister to me) has moved in with them as well (but she was already living with them for 3 years at the parents house).

My boyfriend, from the start of his condo search, has called it OUR home. I even picked out the area and the condo from all the listings he showed me (not really expecting him to totally go with my opinion...but he did!)
Everything has been OUR or OURS. Whatever he buys he’s buying for US and it’s OURS, even if I don’t necessarily pay for part of it. He basically assumed that I will move in as well. Of course we discussed it before and I love the idea because we’re together 24/7 anyways and basically my apartment has just been a storage unit for my stuff the past 6 months. He gets excited talking about all the stuff WE can do to the condo together....and he has great taste (as I do) so he already would like to incorperate my things into the condo scheme as well.

My current apartment lease is ending soon and since I spend so much time with my boyfriend, I have decided to either go for a smaller, cheaper place to “store my things” if I don’t move in with him, or go with the option of moving in with him and just pay him “rent” (which he let me decide how much I wanted to pay and it came out way cheaper than what I pay for an apartment).

My parents are concerned with me moving in with him- saying the risk is too large, we’re moving too fast, they don’t know him (they live in a different state so this isn’t really anyone’s fault that they haven’t go to know him properly), and they keep coming up with all these terrible situations about what could happen to my stuff if we break up. They basically, firmly said NO WAY even though I’m an adult and so is my boyfriend.

I don’t know whether or not to go against their wishes- which I know will have consequences and probably break their hearts because they’re so used to me listening and doing everything they want (that’s part of the problem)- and try to be my own adult self making my own decisions. I fear losing the trust and faith my parents have in me and I don’t want them to hate my boyfriend for “influencing” me to do this (we aren’t religious so sin is not a factor). BUT, I want to have my own happiness (which they can’t see when I’m with him and his brother and brother’s girlfriend cuz they live in a different place and rarely see us), and make my own decisions, and get out from their shadows.

Should I take the risk of breaking their hearts, telling them that I’m going for it and let them rebuild the trust in time? Or should I go with thier wishes, like always, and get my own place again? My friends tell me they’ll get over it eventually and they won’t just cut me off over the issue....but they’ve been saying some pretty nasty things to try to change my mind and break me down (but it’s really just making me mad) so I’m thisclose to telling them NO. But then I think it over and think about the friction that would cause. It also effects my boyfriend because he’s all excited at the prospect of living together and he feels my pain when I argue like this with my parents. I don’t want him stuck in the middle like this.

Anyway...this was really long so I’m sorry about that. Felt good to get it out though

But yes...please...bring on the opinions. I’m stuck between a rock (the parents) and a hard place (the condo decision)!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I used to have a boss that was leaving to relocated to another city. The same city her boyfriend of 7 months recently moved to. She made this big deal telling me how they are getting seperate apartments because of religious reasons and she didn''t want to "live in sin" and why should he "buy the cow if he gets the milk for free" (her words, not mine). Now keep in mind she KNEW I lived with my b/f (no FI) and I KNEW she was having sex with him. That is what I don''t understand. If you are religious I totally respect that. But I hate when people use it to affirm their decisions when it is right for them. I thought it was financially stupid NOT to live together. FI and I moved to Charlotte together how silly to NOT live together. I am very lucky that my parents are liberal. They lived together before they were married and were much more comfortable for us to move in with each other than rush into marriage (which many of my classmate did). His parents were also cool about it. We dated a year and a half before we moved in together. In march/april we will celebrate 5 years together so this obviously did not hinder our relationships. Did it slow down the marriage process, yes I really believe it did. Do I regret it? Not one bit.

 

[Caribou]

miyabi_na, that's a tough one but ultimatelly you need to make the choice on your own. My friend and her husband lived together for 3 months before they got married (they were alredy engaged) and whenever his parents came over they had to make it look like she did even spend the night. Her husband's sister who is 37, divorced, living in CA with her boyfriend does the same thing when their parents come in town. IMO, I think it's ridiculous for them to do this. I mean, I understand that they want to respect his parents religious beliefs and wishes but his parents aren't so naive to think that they aren't having pre-material sex. So I'm with Tacori, I don't understand why one is okay but the other is not.


I won't live with my FI until we are married, not because of any religious thing or my parents, because I've lived with my past two serious boyfriends and decided after that last one I wasn't living with anyone again until I was married. Luckily, my FI agrees. It's tough because I want to live with him now, but I regretted moving in with my last BF, I don't want to regret it with him.

ETA: On the other hand, you both are adults and there comes a time where the parents need to 'cut the cord' and let their children live their lives. If we make mistakes sobeit, that's where lessons are learned.

 

[roxy7]

I used to not believe in living together for marriage, for a couple of reasons. First, I had read the statistics saying that couples who live together have a higher rate of divorce. Second, my parents are conservative and raised me with the whole "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" attitude.

I''ve since changed my mind. First, as for the statistics, I read A LOT about them and now know that they are highly prejudiced because they do not account for very religious couples. See, there is a large proportion of the US that are very religious and do not believe in divorce. These people have very low divorce rates. These people also do not live together before marriage, usually do not even have premarital sex. For any study to be objective, they have to take out these people to see if living together really is a predictor of a higher liklihood of divorce. In fact, most studies that take these people out discover that divorce rates are similar whether or not the people lived together before divorce. In addition, a lot of the studies out there are biased because they are funded by evanglical, pro-family Christian groups.

As for my parents and "why buy the cow" theory . . . it''s funny, after I got to be 25 and was in graduate school, I met more and more ethical, inteligent people who were getting married to their long-term SOs who had lived together before marriage. I realized that I am my own person and that my self-esteem is high enough that I would never live with a guy for years and never talk about getting married, or let myself be taken advantage of that way. I talked to my parents before taking the plunge and they were fine with it. I asked my mom, "Why did you change your mind? Do you really think this is good for me?" and she said, "people change, their attitudes change, and that is ok."

Anyway, I know I have gone on and on forever, but I am obviously someone who had her conflicts about this issue and came to a resolution. I don''t think it is good to rush into living with each other. I also don''t think it is good to live with each other solely as a "test drive," but it is good for more practical reasons for a couple who are already very committed to each other (i.e., financial reasons, wanting to finish school before engagement, planning to get engaged within a certain period of time, etc).

One thing I really disagree with is pushing one''s beliefs on someone else. I hate it when people make value judgments on others. Living together is a personal decision and every individual should decide what is right for them -- it is not the sort of thing one can paint a broad brush stroke like, "Living together = bad" or "living together = good." If it''s not for you, that''s cool and I respect your decision.

 

[crafftygrrl]

This was my situation 20 years ago.

My future DH was in law school and was graduating. After graduation he lined up a federal clerkship in California. We lived in separately apartments in Massachusetts. I had a good job and a rent-controlled 1 BR apt with parking for $292.00 per month. I told him I would not move cross country without some form of commitment. We got engaged.

Here''s where things get sticky. I told my parents that I was getting married and moving to California. It was the first major life decision I made without consulting my parents. (I am the youngest and the only girl in my family.) They were fairly upset with me. It took years and grandchildren for my Mom (in particular) to get over it.

I do not regret those decisions at all.

I hope I am understanding when my kids get to the same point in life.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 1/12/2006 3:33:31 PM
Author: miyabi_na

My parents are concerned with me moving in with him- saying the risk is too large, we’re moving too fast, they don’t know him (they live in a different state so this isn’t really anyone’s fault that they haven’t go to know him properly), and they keep coming up with all these terrible situations about what could happen to my stuff if we break up. They basically, firmly said NO WAY even though I’m an adult and so is my boyfriend.

I think the most important thing to consider is "what do YOU want". Not "what do my parents want" and not "what does my boyfriend want", but what do YOU want.

If you only want to move in because he''s influencing or pressuring you, that''s probably not a great reason to move in.

If you want to move in with him because you want to, then you should.

Understand that your parents are trying to protect you....and that''s admirable. It''s fair to weigh and consider their input, sure, but the ultimate decision is YOURS. Part of the learning curve in being an adult is realizing that sometimes your decisions won''t be popular with some people---and learning how to handle that.

Family and friends have the right to have opinions about our choices (even dissenting ones), but at the end, the decisions are ours, not theirs. They are entitled to be disappointed or unhappy with some of our decisions, too. That''s ok. But no one can take the decision away from you unless you let them.

Maybe they''ll be right; maybe it is too fast, maybe it is a risk, but that''s *your* mistake to make. We all have to find our own way, and making mistakes is how we learn. Very few mistakes in life are fatal or irrevocable; most can be recovered from.

At 40 years old now, I have 20+ years of decisions to reflect on, and I can honestly say I''ve not regretted following my heart and my instincts. People don''t usually regret following their own convictions; they more often regret following others'' convictions.

 

[sxn675]

Miyubi Na, I''m sorry you''re in a tough spot! I think you need to clarify some things with your boyfriend and for yourself before making a choice. Does the apartment belong to your boyfriend and his younger brother? If so, does that mean that the four of you would be living together? Are you okay with that? I hope that you take some time to think and make the right decision for you. Good luck!

This doesn''t really relate to your situation, but I don''t agree with this:

First, as for the statistics, I read A LOT about them and now know that they are highly prejudiced because they do not account for very religious couples. See, there is a large proportion of the US that are very religious and do not believe in divorce. These people have very low divorce rates. These people also do not live together before marriage, usually do not even have premarital sex. For any study to be objective, they have to take out these people to see if living together really is a predictor of a higher liklihood of divorce

There are people (myself included!) who didn''t live with their spouses or, uh, "provide milk" before marriage for religious reasons, yet practice faiths that allow divorce. As far as I know, only Catholicism prohibits divorce (but I am not sure about this!). However, I know a number of Catholics who are divorced. I don''t see how excluding people such as myself from the statistics would be statistically valid as it would skew the results. But, you shouldn''t really make your decision based on stats anyway, but on what you and your boyfriend think will work for the two of you.

 

[CourtHorn]

Many conservative denominations are anti-divorce, not just Catholics. People that will not get divorced FOR ANY REASON need to be taken out of the survey because, it doesn''t matter whether they live together or not, they will not divorce, so the whole reason for the survey is moot at that point. To get a basic comparison of whether or not couples who live together before marriage divorce more, it needs to be of people who are willing to get a divorce if the marriage doesn''t work out. It needs to measure whether living together has an effect on the marriage, and that can''t be done if the couple will not consider divorce.

Those statistics are as flawed as the ones that say 50% of couples get divorced. That is not true. 50% of marriages end in divorce, but there are several factors that increase the likelyhood of staying together (being college educated, having parents who are still married, being financially stable, first marriages). So not every couple goes in to marriage with a 50% chance of divorce.

I have had too much to drink tonight, so I think i am rambling

I will stop now!

 

[sxn675]

Date: 1/15/2006 1:47:45 AM
Author: CourtHorn
Many conservative denominations are anti-divorce, not just Catholics. People that will not get divorced FOR ANY REASON need to be taken out of the survey because, it doesn''t matter whether they live together or not, they will not divorce, so the whole reason for the survey is moot at that point. To get a basic comparison of whether or not couples who live together before marriage divorce more, it needs to be of people who are willing to get a divorce if the marriage doesn''t work out. It needs to measure whether living together has an effect on the marriage, and that can''t be done if the couple will not consider divorce.

I assume you''re referring to Christian faiths? I think most faiths are anti-divorce (as are most people) for the most part, but that''s not the same as prohibiting it. The thing is, many people go into marriage saying that they don''t believe in divorce and will not divorce for any reason. But, they might later get divorced. I bet most of us can think of someone who is/was adamantly anti-divorce, but then later got divorced for one reason or another. I can anyway.....

 

[Momoftwo]

The divorce rate is just as high among those that consider themselves religious as those that don't so that logic is flawed. It's also true that the 50% divorce rate is flawed in that it's 50% of all married couples, not just first time marriages. Some people are married 2,3+ times so they skew the numbers. The real information regarding living together that needs to be looked at is how many actually end up married at all. What the statistics really show is that a lot of people who live together never marry. Either they break up and move on to the next relationship/living together arrangement or they just continue living together. I can't remember the exact number, but after a certain number of years living together the chances of marriage drop tremendously. So, it's more than just about the divorce rate, other factors have to be considered that affect the success of living together.

 

[Mara]

I was of the same mind as Caribou re: living with someone..

I'm not sure how young you are or if this would be your first experience living with someone, but I was way more enthusiastic about living with a boyfriend when I was younger or had not done it before. Having lived with an ex for ~3 years before I met Greg, it was the wrong relationship at the wrong time and I ended up feeling stifled, parented, and just unhappy. I also don't believe in aimlessly living with each other before engagement or marriage. That relationship taught me that it's healthy for 2 people to have their own space to call home and even though I am happily married, there are times when I think gosh if I just had my own apartment back for a night or two!!

Being with someone all the time sounds so appealing when you are younger or in that first blush of love, but experience taught both my husband and I that distance sometimes or 'alone time' can really go a long way for your mental state. Not everyone is like that, some people love to be with someone else all the time, that's just the way they are. But both my hubby and I were in the same type of relationship before, he lived with an ex for 5 years, my 3...and we both knew that no matter how much we were over each other's places or how much time we wanted to spend with each other, that there was no immediate REASON to move in together while just dating, and saving rent on a place for us was not the reason to do it. He was over at my house 4-5 nights a week but we still had the 1-2 days when we were separated and alone and just doing our own thing. We moved in together ~2 months before our engagement was solidified but we had already chosen the stone etc so we knew it was around the corner. Bought our house a year after that, before we got married, but in our hearts we'd already made the committment to each other.

I am sure I have said other things in this thread (I didn't scroll back 4 pages, it's a long thread!!) but in reality I think that people should really scrutinize why they would want to live with someone, for what reasons? It becomes very easy to aimlessly live with someone you love without making any sort of real committment and having both done that previously we knew there was no reason to make the big move until we absolutely knew that we were going to move fwd in the relationship. And still sometimes we wish we had that other attached apartment or something to go spend some alone time in, we are just very independent personalities and I think alot of people have lived on their own for many years can be that way too. Good luck!!

 

[rainbowtrout]

This is my first year of living with him after seven ys of dating and I am enjoying it much more than I thought I would. It is so much easier than keeping up two apartments, and we are both total homebodies so it is much easier to simply share a space. For the most part stuff has fallen into place with a little talking (and we sort of eased into the living together by sharing a food budget, meals, and sleeping over a lot last year).

We do have a few iron clad rules, though---

I will not do dishes. They are his responsibility. if he doesn''t do them, I let them pile in the sink until I feel a need to ask him politely to clean them up. It doesnt usually get that far, and if it does he either says he is terribly busy and asks for another day or he gets up and does them right then. (if I know he is feeling bad or stressed sometimes I will do them for him though)

He will not touch the trash, ever. So I do it. I also cook every night and make the bread for the week, make the shopping list, etc.

We pretty much split the cleaning rules. As for space, his side of the office is his and mine is mine, and we can messy them up as we like. I have "piles" and throw my clothes on the floor.

His rxn to the clothes worked out simply--if they are in his way he tosses them in a designated corner of the room and I clean them up.

I do think if couples can''t work out this stuff it shows a real problem in the relationship--as someone was saying, if you can''t work out the "quirks" you have a deeper relationship problem. A man who consistetly won''t do X around the house when you have said it is a big deal for you just isn''t listening to your needs, which is a bigger problem than dropped socks.

I have to admit I never thought about living together lengthening the marriage process, but then we wouldn''t be sharing an apt unless we knew we were getting engaged in the next yr or so...

I hate the cow analogy!! I grew up in a very conservative community and it used to piss me off to no end. Right, so men need to BUY me??? Arrrrgh. This was part of my original issues with the whole ering bit too--I mean what does an ering really mean? But that''s another thread

 

[CaptAubrey]

Mrs. Aubrey and I shared a cabin before we got hitched, but we''ve been together so long now that it hardly registers with me anymore.

We moved in together for among the dumbest of reasons: her roommate (yes, she already had a roommate) wanted to split the rent three ways instead of two, and I had just finished a spring semester of college and didn''t want to move back home because of issues with my stepmother. It was less a relationship thing than a convenience thing, though the relationship certainly tied into it. But we had only been going out for about eight or ten months. So for about a year, I lived with her and her roommate, then about another year with just the two of us after her roommate moved out. She sometimes mentioned that it bothered her to be living together, but never enough to want to stop. We got engaged about a year and a half after I moved in, then got a new place, and that was pretty much it.

Hard to say if it was good or bad for us, but we''ve been married almost 15 years now, so it certainly didn''t hurt.

 

[orangevixen]

my 2 cents...do it! if it is convenient, live together, at least after you get engaged. i got married when i was 23, and we didn''t live together beforehand. let me just say, there are things i have learned over the past few years that i wish i would have learned before we married. i''m in no way saying that i want a divorce, or that i''m miserable being married to DH because he''s wonderful. what i''m saying is that i think it would''ve been easier to get used to some of these things when we were dating/engaged, before we had the certain expectations that come when you see the other as husband/wife.

Lions, Tigers & Bears said that '' Being married IS different than living together. To each his own but marriage is another level of commitment. You just can''t get up and walk away any more''. So true. i think that discovering all of these little idiosyncracies before we were married would''ve been less stressful. I think we both would''ve dealt with them a lot better. For example, I didn''t really find out that DH really needs to be left alone after we argue or when he''s upset until after we were married and stuck in the same house. Before, we were married, we didn''t really argue. Haha.. we didn''t have much to argue about because we weren''t living together. Anyhow, the first few times this happened, I was devastated and thought to myself ''great, i''m stuck here married to this guy who won''t work things out with me and ignores me when i need him most''. Anyhow, it was definitely extremely stressful the first few months we were married. It''s getting better, two years later, now that we''ve both figured out how to accept our differences. But, there were a lot of things that I didn''t see coming, and definitely a few that I think would''ve made me take a step back had we only been dating/engaged.

so, yes, live together if you can. it''s the best way to find out if you can cope with each others differences. and that''s what it''s all about. you will have many, many differences. and learning to accept them and deal with them before you get married is, imo, a great idea.

 

[Momoftwo]

Except research has shown that people living together still tend to be on their best behavior because it is so easy to up and just leave. Having been married for 25 years, I can tell you, you will always be learning things about each other and living together for a year or two before won''t even scratch the surface. We''re still learning and always will. We''re glad we didn''t live together beforehand. There''s always going to be the "what if''s" regardless of what you do. Just as in everyday life, what if I''d.... or I hadn''t... Just as people don''t want to be told not to live together, they also don''t want to be told to do it.

 

[fire&ice]

Date: 1/22/2006 1:04:07 PM
Author: orangevixen
It''s getting better, two years later, now that we''ve both figured out how to accept our differences. But, there were a lot of things that I didn''t see coming, and definitely a few that I think would''ve made me take a step back had we only been dating/engaged.

so, yes, live together if you can. it''s the best way to find out if you can cope with each others differences. and that''s what it''s all about. you will have many, many differences. and learning to accept them and deal with them before you get married is, imo, a great idea.

But, wouldn''t this be a a case for NOT living together? If you were just living together, would you have just separated when the heat turned up? Just curious as you mention "taking a step back" had we only been dating.