Living together before marriage...

[snlee]

How do you feel about living together before marriage? Good idea? Bad idea? Thoughts?

 

[Bagpuss]

I think that you''ll get as many answers as there are people who read the question!

Some will be against it for any one of the following reasons:-
religious beliefs
personal moral considerations
family objections
fear of future lack of committment

Some will be for it for all sorts of other reasons:-
dislike of marriage
a desire to test the waters
financial considerations

You pays your money and you takes your choice I''m afraid.

 

[Jennifer5973]

We did it but we were engaged (as in ring was on finger!). We also did it mostly for financial/practical reasons--we were both going to grad school in the same city so it just made sense to be "room mates" with each other versus sharing apoartments with strangers! I also felt a difference after we were actually married. Being married IS different than living together. To each his own but marriage is another level of commitment. You just can't get up and walk away any more.

Personally, I think it's fine. However, I think people who live together soley because want to "road test" their marriage are fooling themselves.

 

[nicstn]

Here is my 2 cents. To each thier own. I live w/ my finance now. We have been together for 5 years. We moved in together for 1 year before engagement. It worked out well for us. But if i could of stayed home and saved $ I would of. Everyone's circumstances are different. The good thing about living together is you get a real feeling in some ways of what it is like being married and having bills together. The bad thing is you don't have the same excitment you would feel if you were coming from your parents home or your own apartment to a new place to start a new life together. At least thats what I see from my friend's coming out of thier parents house to thier own house or place w/ thier husband. Each has it ups and downs it really boils down too whats right for you and him. One piece of advice get the ring first before living together.

 

[KimberJEB]

I am against it. That being said - I am living with my boyfriend. Blah.

I have always thought that living together before marriage would "cheapen" the marriage itself. Plus it was just a matter of principles/morals. BUT - I have no, none, zilch money right now (quit law school a few weeks ago, no more dad support), and the alternative is living with my mother. Can''t do that. Plus the house is both of ours.

However, when we get engaged I will move out (and hopefully have a job) even if I do have to move in with my mom. I don''t want to go right from living together to marriage. I hope that my situation will be only a few months long.

But I also spent every single night with him in our last year of college. Since I had my own apartment, my clothes lived there, and my mail went there, I didn''t consider myself living with him. It''s all about technicalities!

 

[Morticia]

I used to say I wouldn''t move in with anyone until there was a ring on my finger.

Yeah. Blah.

Here I am, living with my boyfriend, no ring. While we get along well, I sometimes wish we weren''t living together prior to engagement/marriage. I do fear that he will just get *comfortable* and that will be that - no engagement or marriage. Fearing it more so lately....

 

[KimberJEB]

Morticia -It''s amazing how it happens, isn''t it? All of those plans you had and ideals go flying out the window! Plus, I am in a almost-7-year relationship. I WANT to live with him, I just want to be married while I am doing it! (And I am really getting tired, even after a month of having to lie to my dad and his parents about it.) Again - blah!

 

[moremoremore]

I personally wouldn't do it until we were engaged...but then again, it didn't come up until after we were engaged. I think it's important to take each other for a test drive.
And Kimber- don't rush to move out....no matter what...no matter how long you've been living with eachother...it's just *different* once you're married!

My girlfriend didn't live with her guy before they got married. They are both "set" in their ways...let's just say the honeymoon was over when they got back home LOL..

 

[Jennifer5973]

Living together and marriage are two different things. Both are fine options depending on the people involved. As I wrote above, I just think people whose only motivation for living together is to "try on" their marriage probably shouldn''t be getting married to begin with.

My advice is that if you''re living with someone and what you really want is to be married to that person, for whatever reason, then you need to be honest with your partner and yourself. Life is short. Be true to yourselves.

 

[Morticia]

Oh Kimber, that must be hard, having to lie. My mom knows. I'm 30 yo, you know? I'm sure she would prefer I was engaged or married, but she likes my BF, so I think she's cool with us living together.

If I had to lie, well, that would get very old for me very quickly.

Good luck to you!

 

[Brocksgirl24]

I think living together is a really good idea. Its much easier to walk away from that situation then to split up through a divorce if it doesnt work out. There is so much to learn from living with someone that you would never find out otherwise. Marriage is a huge commitment so you better know what you are getting into before you say I DO! I went to a couples wedding two summers ago, they had never lived together (her parents were strict). They are in the process of divorce now. Turns out he discovered a different side of her that he never knew about! So sad.
On the other side, I''ve been with my bf for 6 years, living together for 1 year now and will probably be engaged next month (the ring is purchased!). I dont think anything will change once we get married, we''ll just finally be able to call each other husband and wife. It would be nice to have that extra excitement that comes with living with each other for the first time.
So, yes there are pros an cons.

 

[snlee]

My advice is that if you're living with someone and what you really want is to be married to that person, for whatever reason, then you need to be honest with your partner and yourself. Life is short. Be true to yourselves.

Very true, Jennifer5973. I agree with you 110%!

KimberJEB, have you told your bf how you feel?

 

[reena]

geez. i guess im one of the only nontraditional chicks around here.

i never had a problem with the idea of it, i never considered that i needed to "get the ring" before doing it, and so when it felt right, we just did it. we are that couple that does everything together, 24/7, so we knew that if we didn't move in together when i moved to the city we would (1) each end up paying half our salaries toward exorbitantly expensive NYC apartments and (2) spend every night together anyway, which would mean trekking across the city with our suits for the next day AND our two dogs.

no thanks! plus, we just wanted to live together. it was a great "next step" in our relationship and i haven't regretted it once in the two years since it happened. (and hey--i got the ring in the end, too.

)

i guess that makes me a sinning floozy, but i don't care!

 

[Libster]

I was be bopping along through life, happy as could be, great job, my own apartment, and new car!! I met my hubby and his identical twin brother in October 1988. I went out with the twin a couple of times, and became very good friends with my now hubby. He would always say "go out with me, I look just like my brother"! We''d laugh and then I''d fix him up with one of my friends. This went on for a couple of months and then I began to look at him differently...... The twin was too much trouble and I''d really begun to have "feelings" for my future hubby. We started dating, and after a couple of months he and his roomate''s lease was up and he moved in with me "temporarily"....yeah right! That was June 1989, he asked me to marry him August 1989 and we were married October 1989. 15 years later we are still going strong...he really is my best friend

When he moved in with me, I had lunch with my Mother and told her what was going on. I knew she would disapprove, but didn''t want to lie to her and wanted to tell her face to face rather than her find out some other way. I didn''t set out to live with my hubby as a "testing of the marriage waters". I must say that it was a wonderful experience and probably confirmed what we already knew, that we were meant to be together. Yes, everything that has been said already, after we got married, it was different, but not in a bad way. There is just a strange and wonderful thing that happens after you say "I do" and make those vows to another person. Each persons situation is different, and if I had to do it all over again, I''d probably live together first.

 

[KimberJEB]

BF knows how I feel - oh trust me, he knows how I feel!!!!!!! I have made it more than obvious for, oh, 2.5 years! LOL. I am pretty sure he wants to get engaged soonish (thus I am here) he is just pokey about things like this - and anythign not related to his car!

My mom and his mom know, our dads and stepmoms would kill us. But then, they do''nt get to find out about the no more law school thing till December either. And thats the real reason I am here. As soon as I get a job (turns out jobs aren''t abounding for psych majors who dropped out of law school) I do want to live on my own. I am just uncomfortable with this situation for me. My stepsis is living with her BF and is completely happy - and I am happy for her. I feel awkward and "in-between"!

We''re 23, he has a good job, we''re both college grads - but telling our dads I am living here would NOT be good!

 

[snlee]

Do you think age have anything to do with it?

 

[abradabra]

I don''t think people should do it if they are uncomfortable with it, but I don''t really understand the idea of it being a "bad" thing. I lived with my fiance when one summer when he was interning between grad school terms and absolutely loved it. It was so fun because we got to spend even more time together and since he just moved into my apartment, it made my cost of living much less expensive! I also found that having him around really diminished my bad habits because we would do things like clean up together before bed--which made it seem like fun "hanging out" instead of chores.

 

[yanekie25]

I guess I will chime in. I have been living with BF for about 4 years, we have been together for 5 years. I don''t think I made it a big deal. We were doing long distance, he was moving to NY to stop that, and it just made since for him to live with me. I am just real clingy (in a good way). My mom was livid, she thought we should get married, and I thought so too, but then I realized I wasn''t sure I really wanted to marry him. I think when he moved him, we committed that marriage is where we wanted this to end up. It just wasn''t for us, right now. individually we weren''t ready, and in hindsight we weren''t ready to live together either, but we made it through. We never really said, we are living together to see if we can get married, we just said we do think one day we will get married, so why not live together. Is there a difference??? We bought our first home, this year. Won''t go into the conversation with parents for that decision. No ring then either, but we knew it was going down that road and the opportunity for the house came. I was never into the need for the ring, lately I think if I had to do it all over again, maybe I wouldn''t have lived with him. More to keep that whole dating and missing you when you are gone thing than anything though. I think its really personal and really depends. Morally, now I have reservations about it, but I think the main issue is the "you know what" rather that physically being in the same building.

To each his own.

 

[Diamonds4Me]

H2b and I have lived together for five and a half years. We''re just now engaged but I don''t mind that it has taken that long. We made a commitment to always be here for each other...we just don''t have the papers to prove it

I''m 27 and he''s 37 and he knows that I''m not going anywhere and I know he''s not going anywhere. It already feels as though we''re married. I know, I know...he could always decide otherwise..but as I have told him in the past...I have a very large chain hidden away and it has his name allllll over. I have no problem chaining him to a tree in the back yard until he comes back to his senses.

 

[fancyrock]

If you can't stand living with your partner... then why get married? Living together has its own advantages and disadvantages too.... You get to experience your partner day in and day out (the good, the bad and the UGLY side of him/her). Can you deal with it? Maybe he/she has habits that drive you up the wall... it's better to find that out now than after marriage.

 

[reena]

Date: 11/22/2004 6:42:31 PM
Author: firerock
If you can''t stand living with your partner... then why get married? Living together has its own advantages and disadvantages too.... You get to experience your partner day in and day out (the good, the bad and the UGLY side of him/her). Can you deal with it? Maybe he/she has habits that drive you up the wall... it''s better to find that out now than after marriage.

yes! like for example, had i not lived with my BF before marriage, i would not have known in advance about his oh so annoying habit of making amassing little PILES of his CRAP all around the apartment.

you know--little piles of change, little piles of personal electronics (ipod, cell, blackberry), little piles of mail, little piles of documents from work, little piles of napkins/gum wrappers, little piles of instruction books and warranty cards from the last piece of stereo equipment he purchased . . . . I SEE PILES WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES AT NIGHT.

ahem.

sorry. carry on with the discussion . . .

 

[snlee]

Haha...Renna, you never saw piles of crap at his own place before moving in?

 

[reena]

i DID! i did see them! but despite myself i made that fatal female mistake--i thought i could change him!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I never thought it would be a choice for me (I''m not against it morally, but didn''t feel like it was a necessity for me) but lo and behold, 5 months before we got married, we moved in together. Mainly it was due to financial issues (I also hated hearing that, it made it seem so unromantic) since 5 months prior to the wedding, my husband''s landlord sold the condo he was renting from underneath him. We live in DC and as people from here know, housing is crazy and expensive. It didn''t make sense for him to move into a smaller place (to save on rent) and then have to move out 5 months later after we got married. We found a perfect one, but...it was way too pricey on one salary. So, we moved in.

It was hard for me to tell my parents, since they are very strict Catholics. They didn''t like it but they accepted it, as one might hope since I was 28 afterall! And I didn''t flaunt it in their faces either- when they came to visit, I kept the bedroom door shut, etc.

I knew practically everything about my husband before we even got engaged, so living together went VERY smoothly- no rough spots or anything. Definitely no surprises. But if I could do it over again in a perfect world, I would not live together before marriage.

 

[goldengirl]

No way, snlee, they CLEAN before you come over to THEIR place. When it''s "our" place, all''s fair!!

Initially I started out thinking it wasn''t a big deal. Then I moved in with my bf and two months later, moved out, broke up with him, and swore I''d never live with someone before marraige again. It was a horrible experience and being together 24/7 accelerated our breakup (although I believe it was coming eventually).

Fast-forward to Kyle, we''re spending the night together every single night but resisting the move-in because I thought my parents would freak (they did when I moved in with the ex) and he thought his parents would freak (very religious) and we''d both experienced couples that moved in together and it drove them apart. Me, personally, him, through friends. We just thought it was a bad idea. Problem was, we WERE living together, he was just paying rent on another place that he visited once a week to get his mail.

After I met his family and all went well, and we knew we were headed towards marraige and it wouldn''t just be a "trial run", he officially moved in. Absolutely nothing changed, except now I have more spending money and he gets his mail delivered here.

Do I think nothing will change when we get married? Heck, no, I think there will be big changes! I think the texture of the relationship changes. I''m not worried about that, nor am I worried about him deciding not to buy the cow. Frankly, that''s not an option and he knows it!

If it''s not something you''re comfortable with, of course you shouldn''t do it. And I do think you should move in with a commitment, regardless if it''s accompanied by a ring, not just "we''ll live together and if we don''t kill each other we''ll see how it goes." I think you should know if you want to be together when you move in, not move in to find out if you want to be together. There''s a fine line dividing the two.

So my opinion is, it depends.

For us, it works.. for me and my ex and for many, many others, it doesn''t!

 

[cflutist]

Reena, LOL !!!! Websailor has SO MANY piles on the floor in his office at home that I cannot vacuum in there. We do have a rule at home ... his office is his "cave" so he keeps it as MESSY as he likes. I did insist once that he clean up the potting soil on the carpet that he has spilled by knocking a houseplant over in there. It sat there for days before I made a stink about it. Thank god, his office is in one of the back bedrooms of the house.

 

[lindsal]

Ah, I agree with most above... different answer and reason depending on who you ask, and I''d even venture to say when you ask them.

When for came to me that it was move to Chicago or you don''t really have a job anymore, we had a big decision to make. And I didn''t at that point want engagement to be the forcing issue, since we had just reunited after a very contentious six month hiatus. So, I said, I love you. I am going to Chicago. I''d love to have you there. What should we do. So, I moved, he moved 4 months later and we''ve been living in sin ever since to the dismay of some of the older relatives. I love living with him, and finding out all of his little quirks has actually made me fall even more in love with him....

It''s my quirks I can''t believe he'' s ready to live with... the man must be a saint...

Oh, and in my house, I am the piler, and it drives HIM CRAZY!!!!!

 

[Jennifer5973]

Date: 11/22/2004 7:29:25 PM
Author: goldengirl


If it's not something you're comfortable with, of course you shouldn't do it. And I do think you should move in with a commitment, regardless if it's accompanied by a ring, not just 'we'll live together and if we don't kill each other we'll see how it goes.' I think you should know if you want to be together when you move in, not move in to find out if you want to be together. There's a fine line dividing the two.

So my opinion is, it depends.

For us, it works.. for me and my ex and for many, many others, it doesn't!

Goldengirl, you put your finger much more specifically on what I was trying to say!

I just can't embrace the thought of saying "Let's live togteher to see if it'll work" and having that be THE reason for doing it and nothing else. it is SO EASY to walk away over any thing. When we were first married, finances were extremely tight--a $200 car repair was enough to bankrupt us for the month and send me into hissy fits. This put a lot of stress on our marriage. I sometimes got angry at my husband becasue he was still in school, and then he took a job as an ADA over a higher-paying one in a firm becasue it would be better for his career in the long run (which it was...). Anyway, one night we had a terrible fight--and it was all my fault. I was feeling stressed because of some fianncial blip and I took it out on him. At one point, I blurted out, "I'm tired of this stress--We shouldn't have ever gotten married. I'm leaving." Looking back, it was such a horrible and immature thing to say...

I am sick to my stomach just typing those words. True to his character, my husband didn't yell back. He just looked at me and quietly said, "Where were you? Where were you when we were on the alter, taking those vows?" Those simple words cut right to my heart. We made up and I grew up and learned to calm down and give him a chance. Thank God I had my mom and a few good friends who also gave me tough love and straightened me out on this issue. My husband is a wonderful man and I was an imamture, spoiled kid. So, yeah, living together is a great option and I respect anyone who does it (hey--we did it) but don't kid yourselves--Marriage--a real marriage--is different. Maybe not better or worse depending on your own circumstances, but different indeed.

Also, you ladies will want to kill me but my DH is as neat as a pin, from day one. No piles, perfectly clean bathroom and toilet lid down all the time. He is neat on his person too, with being foppish. He is just such a man!

 

[MrsFrk]

I personally think it is an excellent idea. The only couple I know that did not co-habitate at ALL before marrying and moving in together are still a MESS 6 years later. They love each other, and have 2 great kids, but they are incredibly incompatible in terms of sharing space, and have still not really worked out their issues. I think that if they had lived together for a bit before getting hitched and then pregnant they would have both been more flexible about compromising- but they literally went from honeymoon to newly purchased house.

That being said, I think that the decision to move in together is taken waaaayy too lightly by most people. Not only do I think that it should be a step on the road to lifelong committment, but so many people, male and female, stay in cruddy relationships for too long because they are living with the person and it is such an inconvenient wrench to end things.

 

[ClownFishFunk]

I just posted my response on the other thread, and then I found this one! So I''ll just copy and paste:

I personally like the idea of moving in with each other before marriage, I think it would work for the relationship that *I* have. Is this a good move for everyone? No, its not.

Some people argue that moving in together before marriage helps you realize whether or not you could live with this person forever, however I have read statistics that have shown it doesnt have any real affect on divorce rate (that living together or not living together prior to marriage made no difference whether or not the couple got divorced). Has anyone else heard this? I find it interesting.

I''ve heard of some people moving in together earlier than marriage because it helps save them money (i.e. splitting the rent for one place as opposed to each of them paying full for two places).

I do agree with qtiekiki that for some people moving in together is a way to take the next step and then prolonging the BIG step, but only you can know whether or not that would happen in your relationship.

A good combination is generally to wait until engaged, and then move in together (still before the actual marriage).

What are your thoughts? Are you considering moving in with your fiance before marriage?