hmmmm... well I want to do those things, does that make me macho?
me = 
me =
me = 
me = 
Long story made even longer 
, my bf and I met right before our last year of college. I was almost 21, he was almost 23 (our birthdays are 2 years and 6 days apart). I had been dumped 4 months before by my fiancé of 3 years, although our relationship had been on a downward spiral for at least a year. I have no doubt that circumstances being what they were, I was completely over my ex and just hoping to explore the world as a newly single minx.
I had dated 2 guys for 2 months each before meeting Nate. (There was a running joke that I had a 2 month expiration date on relationships at that point!). As soon as we met, a huge part of me wanted nothing to do with him because there was no doubt in my mind that this boy would be my next serious long term relationship and part of me didn’t want the fun of the single scene to end. It didn’t take me long to come to my senses though and within a matter of weeks I had lugged most of my stuff into his apartment and we were essentially living together on campus.
2 months into our relationship he was offered a job (to begin after graduation in May) that would take him 1600 miles away from my home, family, friends, and life. We talked a lot about our futures and one evening, he even got down on one knee and asked me to move with him. I was incredibly conflicted about making such a drastic change and I agonized for months to determine whether I could leave everything to be with him. One night, as we lay watching a movie together, I called him by my affectionate nickname “MY Nate” and realized that if I let him move without me, he would no longer be MY Nate. In fact I could loose him to someone else and I had no doubt that would be one of my biggest mistakes/regrets. From that instant on I Knew I had to move to TX to be with him.
Fast forward almost 3 years. We’re now living together in a beautiful house that he purchased 2 years ago. We’ve got 2 loving dogs and a herd of cats and an extremely happy life together. I feel he is so much my equal. I’m free to be my unedited self and he can be the same. We enjoy enough common interests that we find plenty of ways to spend our time together but we are also able to allow each other the alone time that we sporadically need. We’ve fought a lot over the years, which can be a bad sign, but in our case I like to think it’s been a growing experience. Our fights are less hurtful, less intense, and less enduring. We’ve learned how to argue without wounding the relationship. We’ve learned how to compromise and how to respect each other. Our relationship has never been stronger or healthier and as cheesy as it sounds, I find myself loving him more every day
The problem arises when the issue of our potential engagement is broached. Frequently we talk about our wedding and even our future children and he never seems to get spooked. When we start speaking about specifics though he either tells me not to nag or plays the “I’m not ready card.” Within the last couple of days I’ve managed to gather the impression that he just doesn’t feel old enough to get married. He even admitted that he doesn’t feel old enough to own his own house, yet we’ve lived here for 2 years already!
Without making him sound like too much of a child it’s important to explain a little about his personality. His favorite hobby is playing video games, roughhousing with our dogs and occasionally I’ll even catch him watching cartoons. His playfulness and youthful zest for life are some of the very characteristics I love the most about him. During the day he plays the responsible engineer, working hard to provide a good living for us. When we’re together though we spend our free time being silly, making each other laugh, enjoying moments of simple pleasures and pure fun. Of course there are times when we have deep philosophical discussions about politics, religion, racism, but my favorite memories revolve around the unadulterated goofiness we bring into each other’s lives. In this aspect, I find it very possible to believe that he just doesn’t feel mature enough for such a serious commitment.
On the other hand, I’ve asked him to explain his fear of marriage and he can’t seem to create any substantial concerns. He’s agreed that we are essentially living as a married couple without all of the legal arrangements but I can’t help but think he believes that things will change drastically once we’re official. As much as he disregards the things he hears from his married coworkers, I’ve got to assume they have some effect on him. When every married peer that he knows, tells him Not to get married, that marriage changes everything, that they were much happier before they tied the knot, his subconscious has to at least register this as some sort of warning right? So so many marriages end in divorce and in that regard, I can share some of his nervousness but for me at least, I believe our future is worth the risk. No matter how many times he tells me his concerns have nothing to do with me, or with our relationship, a girl can’t help but worry yanno?
His parents were married very young (17 & 19) and will be celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary within the next 2 years. As much as I may not agree with the stern way they still treat Nate, it’s obvious how deeply they love one another. Just being around them makes me want to work even harder to have that same bond in my relationship with Nate. Perhaps their “perfect” marriage works less as a role model and more as an unattainable goal that he fears not being able to reach?
Money is also a deterrent right now, however, if all it came down to was a problem with funds, I’d be ecstatic. If I knew that he truly wanted to buy me a ring but that he couldn’t afford one, this wait would be much easier to bear. Instead there is that little voice that keeps telling me that actions speak louder than words, that he doesn’t want to marry ME for whatever reason, that if he really felt that strongly about me, he’d take the plunge, fear or no fear. I guess some of that baggage is mine alone to carry and that I should be a bit more trusting of his reassurances. It’s just such an emotional situation and hard to be rational when so many feelings are involved.
After all is said and done, I would like to be added to the ladies in waiting list. While I get the impression that I’ll be waiting longer than most (and already feel like I’ve been waiting a lifetime), I’m still idealistic enough to believe that it will happen for Nate and I….plus, I don’t think I could be in any better company!
Unfortunately both Sunday and Monday night we discussed this very issue and I still don’t know exactly what the hold up is. Just last night he jokingly told me not to make it all about Me. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to marry ME or that he doesn’t love ME, it’s just that HE’s not ready.
I’ve noticed the very same thing that you mentioned…the guy I dated right after breaking up with my ex was a commitaphobe. He was 26, had his own apartment, a 6 figure salary and was scared to death of marriage. Immature me, was infatuated with him and rather than listening to my mother’s sage advice (let him pursue you, men like to do the chasing) I probably came on too strong too fast. While I never mentioned marriage, (we were only together 2 months!) it was fairly obvious that I was very interested. My enthusiasm managed to push him away (very tough lesson learned!). We stayed friends though, and about 7 months after we broke up, he met a friend of a friend that showed absolutely no interest in him. The less interested she seemed, the more interested he became. Eventually she gave in, and less than 6 months after dating her, he proposed.
This experience has set off such HUGE warning bells in my head!! I know that every guy is different but I can’t help but fear that this very same thing is happening to me again. I always seem to be the last girl that a guy dates before he finds “the one” **….I was hoping this time around, that my timing would be better!!
T- my ex fiancé….was engaged to the girl he dated after me and although they’ve since broken up, they now have a 1 year old son together
J- the one that got away….met R 7 months after dating to me, was engaged to her 6 months after that, and married her 1 year after that (he’s already been engaged and married in less time than Nate and I have been dating!)
C- was engaged to the girl he dated after me…broke things off with her, but has since become a father to yet another girl’s son.
Which brings us to Nate….the last thing I want to do is make him #5 on my growing list of exes that decided after dating me, to marry the next girl they could get their hands on! How frustrating!!
things just fizzled out) he mentioned this little crush he had on his financial advisor. Of course in my jealousy I told him not to pursue it (we were friends but it''s not like I wanted him to be happy with anyone else
Nate too, used the fact that we share a house to prove that he was committed (although in a rare freakout Sunday night he referred to it once again as HIS house and said he felt like he was losing control over it...eventually I dragged out of him the fact that he is STILL upset that I brought a pregnant stray cat into the house 8 months ago and that she and her kittens are currently still residing with us until I am able to find them new homes. This was a HUGE disagreement for us previously and I stupidly thought that we had come to a compromise when he agreed that Lola could stay provided that I pay all Vet bills and find her and the babies homes when the time came. This weekend however he admitted that he felt like he lost that fight and that he had conceded by allowing me to proceed as I wanted to. I knew he wasn''t happy about the cats as he makes it a point to remind me constantly that it''s time for them to go, but I didn''t know his resentment was running as deeply as it was/is. He told me the cats were the only real problem he had with our relationship which in my mind seems like pretty good news. If during the course of 8 months you only have one beef with me, I''d say that''s a decent track record. I asked him if he''d propose to me tomorrow, if I got rid of the cats today, and he said yes. Of course I would never drop these kitties off at a shelter just to get a diamond but I think it''s nice to know that there might be some sort of solution...at the same time however, it would require me to do something incredibly out of character, and Nate knows that. He even mentioned that one of the reasons he wants to marry me is because I have such a big heart, although he managed to qualify that with the statement "sometimes too big"..."especially where stray cats are concerned." I find it incredibly hard to believe that our relationship would be worth throwing away over his dislike of the feline persuasion but I guess we''ll see. Later on in the discussion he reverted back to the old “I’m just not ready” statement so I’m not sure what to believe! I swear I don’t know what’s going on in his head sometimes. He doesn’t want to be nagged and gets defensive when I mention the word Engagement, even if I just want to have a non threatening, calm, discussion about it. He’s very traditional at times as well and refuses to let me chip in toward a ring, or have any say in picking it out. Apparently he’s “already got something in mind” as far as the setting is concerned so I’m afraid that part might be out of my hands altogether (although honestly, I have changed my preferences so much in the past year that it would be a ton easier to let him come up with something! Hehe He’s assured me that he’s listened to all of the coaching I’ve done on the 4 C’s and my preferences and once upon a time when I got him to give me a ballpark estimate on the size stone he would get, it was larger than I had even imagined…..but all of that is putting the cart before the horse.)
I’m to the point now where I don’t even care about getting ring (alright, I care a little, but if it came down to it, I’d take a proposal and no ring over waiting years til he can afford the perfect one) and I honestly don’t care about all of the wedding hoopla; the dress, flowers, music etc etc. I started planning all of that once upon a time when I was young and before I realized that the wedding is just a day, the marriage is for a lifetime, and that’s what needs planning. I just want that level of commitment. I want “our” life to begin. I want to finally have the same last name as Nate and our friggen dogs already!
I soooo wish he was in the same place as me…but wishing won’t make it so
Sally:Date: 1/11/2005 5:209 PM
Author: SJS1234
Hey guys!! Just wanted to share this -- I just had the most WONDERFUL conversation with Bill Pearlman of Pearlman jewelers -- he is the BEST! I had questions about the Michael B. settings and was having a heck of a time getting info from other retailers. I visited Solomon Bros. during lunch today and though they were nice, they didn''t know squat (and didn''t have what I was lookiing for)! Then I called another jeweler in town -- still no info.....then I called Michael B directly -- got some hateful thing on the phone who had no interest in helping me and basically said that there was no one else there to talk to either!! rats!! Then I remembered Pearlmans and gave them a call. Lisa, a sales rep, answered, but she knew that my questions needed further expertise, so she asked if she could get my number and have someone call me back. Within minutes Bill Pearlman called -- and literally spent an hour with me on the phone -- and not because I was pushing him for more info that he felt obligated to give -- instead he was GENUINELY interested in helping me out and telling about his business and going through DETAILS with me on the different Michael B options. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted because I FINALLY understand what is what, and what the best choices are for me. He is the BEST and I have already told my boyfriend that this is the man to do business with. I don''t care if they are in Michigan and we are in Atlanta, we are definitely going to be giving them business! The EXTRA good thing is that he is completely in tune with the ''online'' thing. He doesn''t spend a lot of time on pricescope, but he knows that the internet is a necessary tool and he in fact does a lot of internet business himself.... a B&M that understands the internet!! yay!!!
Anyway -- just thought I would share some of my happiness!! I''m going to post this exact paragraph on Diamond Hangout -- I was SO impressed!!!
Sally
Blue! You are welcome! I wish they were all like that!
Hi all! I wanted to chime in re: guys generally not being ready for marriage:
I think it is totally possible, and downright common for a guy at that age to just plain not be ready for marriage. Unless he''s a real jerk, he wouldn''t stay in a long term relationship with a girl he knew to be ready and willing to marry him if he didn''t feel the same way. So, it''s not about you, it''s about him. And it sounds like it''s not about him being anti-marriage, just really needing to be ready for it.
Think about it - it''s a huge, huge, huge deal. This is the biggest single life decision you will ever make. It''s something you live with for the rest of your life. It actually terrifies me when I think about it too too much!!!! LOL! Just the idea of making a life long, irreversible commitment is really a lot to comprehend, and something that you want to take the time to totally comprehend before you start to move forward.
My boyfriend is 31 and slowly, slowly becoming ready to make that kind of commitment. When we had a big talk about it a while back, he said that he takes the idea SO seriously, and WILL just be married once in his life, no matter what, so he just needs to be completely ready and sure. He doesn''t want to get engaged because everyone else is, or because it seems normal/logical after a certain period of dating. His friends are starting to get engaged / married, and he''ll straight up say to me "Sorry, I''m just not as mature or sure of myself as those guys! I wish I were, but I''m not!" He grew up without a dad, and my parents went through a horrible divorce when I was a teenager, so we''re acutely aware of the fact that so many marriages don''t work out, and of the repercussions when they don''t. He''s cautious and kind of healthily pessimistic about marriage (if there is such a thing). By this I just mean that he doesn''t take it casually.
But, I feel comforted knowing that when he does ask, it will because he really knows what it takes and wants it, and not because he feels obligated or thinks it will be easy. I know he thinks I''m the one, and that''s the direction it''s moving or he would of course tell me that he''s having deeper concerns about our relationship.
You''re in my boat Heather - he''s not afraid of being close to you, sharing everything with you, etc, because you already live together and have pets together. Sounds like the relationship is great. He feels that you''re "the one." Marriage is his ultimate goal, and he understands that he needs to be consciously working to become ready for it, even if it takes longer than for some guys.
Ladies, think about how long we take and how much obsessing we do over the engagement ring, wanting to be absolutely sure, since we will wear it for the rest of our lives. I''ve been looking for over 2 years now, on and off and still don''t feel like I''d be totally ready to commit if I was asked tomorrow to say for sure what I wanted. And that''s just a RING! Something that you actually can switch out, tradeup, etc later if it really comes down to it!!! Not so with spouses!!!!
My new attitude is, if the relationship is good, unless you''re immediately ready to have children, or you''re waiting on marriage to move in together or have sex, and really can''t wait to, what is the big rush? If you trust that you''re with the person you''re going to marry, what difference does an extra year make before the engagement? Especially when in that extra year he has matured and become totally ready and 100% on board with the whole process whereas before he might have been somewhat nudged into it?
It gets weird, because we want "proof" that when they say they know we''re the one, etc, they really mean it and aren''t just saying it to placate us. We just think "If he''s sure about me, what''s the problem?" I totally get that POV as well - it makes a lot of sense to me when people say "after 2 years with me, you should know whether or not you want to marry me." But I think lots of guys know they want to marry you, they just aren''t actually ready to do it!!!
Unfortunatley sometimes I start to worry along the lines of "why buy the cow when you''re getting the milk for free" and I want to start playing games, or wish I''d withheld something (like living together) until marriage. I go through the gambit!!! But ultimately, I just have to trust that he''s not unsure of me or our relationship, allow him the fact that he''s just really humbled by the idea of marriage and not quite ready for it, stop making this process all political and tactical, and do what I can to make the relationship great and help him feel comfortable taking the next step.
300x240.png)
