JFF: Did you kiss your husband/wife before marriage?

[movie zombie]

i admit to not having read more than the first page of this thread, but this a.m. on my tea bag tag was this:

Kissing is like drinking salted water, you drink and your thirst increases--chinese proverb

movie zombie

 

[kaori]

So Anna is not supposed to know what had she get herself into before the wedding?

 

[Steel]

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 1/30/2009 1:28:32 PM
Author: vespergirl
I am an advocate of sex before marriage, because you would want to know about any type of major sexual dysfunction, or even sexual incompatibility before marriage. I have a friend who had to get her marriage annulled due to her husband''s impotence. They were good Catholics who decided to wait to have sex before they got married, and she was devastated to discover that they could not consummate their marriage. It was a horrible situation, and I think that ''testing the goods before you buy'' is important. Sex is one of the very most important parts of marriage, and if your sex life isn''t going to work, neither is your marriage.

Well said Vespergirl - I completely agree.

That said, I do respect those who feel it is best FOR THEM PERSONALLY to wait, whether for religious, or cultural, or whatever other reasons. However, I think it is extremely wrong and very offensive to judge others for not adhering to that or any other belief where someone else doing or believing differently than you do has no impact on you or others around them.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 1/31/2009 3:03:24 PM
Author: AmberGretchen

Date: 1/30/2009 1:28:32 PM
Author: vespergirl
I am an advocate of sex before marriage, because you would want to know about any type of major sexual dysfunction, or even sexual incompatibility before marriage. I have a friend who had to get her marriage annulled due to her husband''s impotence. They were good Catholics who decided to wait to have sex before they got married, and she was devastated to discover that they could not consummate their marriage. It was a horrible situation, and I think that ''testing the goods before you buy'' is important. Sex is one of the very most important parts of marriage, and if your sex life isn''t going to work, neither is your marriage.

Well said Vespergirl - I completely agree.

That said, I do respect those who feel it is best FOR THEM PERSONALLY to wait, whether for religious, or cultural, or whatever other reasons. However, I think it is extremely wrong and very offensive to judge others for not adhering to that or any other belief where someone else doing or believing differently than you do has no impact on you or others around them.

I totally agree - I would never impose my views on someone else, and I think it''s very nice and romantic if a couple chooses to wait for religious or moral reasons, and I''m sure those types of marriages work for many people - I just wanted to throw out the one extreme circumstance that I know of where it didn''t work. I know that for me, because I am a highly sexual person, I would need to have a good sex life to have a happy marriage, so I would want to make sure that I was compatible with my partner before a commitment like marriage.

 

[phoenixgirl]

When I was a teenager I wanted to wait until I got married to kiss, and I even dated a boy seriously for over a year without kissing (although we held hands, snuggled, etc.). That said, my resolve did not last very long after meeting DH my freshman year of college, and as I matured a bit more and became less stringent in my beliefs I changed my mind (DH sweetly told me that even though he hadn't saved his first kiss for me, he would give me his last).

But since DH is obviously the only person I have kissed, I think I can speak to both sides. I don't regret not having kissed or slept with men other than my husband, and I tend to think sexual incompatibility is just a matter of keep trying until you figure it out (and think about it--even if you've had dozens of partners, you'll never know for sure that there isn't some amazing sexual yin to your yang out there who would be so much better than anyone else you've ever been with--no one can ever know that for sure). In fact, if I'm not a very good kisser or a very good lay, I think maybe I'd rather not know, ya know? Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

Sexual dysfunction is another matter, but in those cases I think most couples would explore whatever options they have before deciding to separate. Remember when Christopher Reeves' wife told Oprah that he still found ways to please her as a quadraplegic? It'd be great to know before marriage that our partners will be fantastic in bed, but we'd also like a guarantee that they'll never lose their jobs or get cancer or become depressed or any other assortment of unwished for things that can happen in life, and I don't think those are reasons just to jump ship. They're part of the "for worse" in your wedding vows.

The funny thing is that I don't believe it's immoral to have unmarried sex; I just don't buy the "you need to find out if you're compatible" argument. I think on some level that's playing into the idea that sex is sinful, that for some reason people like Josh Duggar make us uncomfortable because deep down we worry that we're failing to live up to an ideal that he is upholding. So we say that we have to have sex for practical reasons, not because we want to and there's nothing wrong with it. I had a friend who told me after breaking up with a boyfriend that she had hoped he was "the one" because he was the third man she'd slept with, and now that she was back on the playing field she felt like she'd slept with too many men before finding the man she'd marry (as if two was understandable but three was tipping the scale toward promiscuity). If you think sex is wrong/bad/sinful, fine, don't do it. But if you don't, then don't sweat it! Be smart about it, choose your partners wisely, be safe . . . but don't let the Josh Duggars of the world make you question yourself. It's sweet that they were so "pure" when they married, but I would never trade my life for theirs!

I was friends with an older girl in high school, and we both pledged not to kiss our boyfriends at her suggestion. I kept my promise, but sometimes she would confess to having slipped up and "kissed" him. Well, I found out later that when they "kissed," they were actually doing everything except having sex technically (do we still call that third base?). I did feel a little duped when I found this out! But I guess she is just a good example of how that part of our culture views sex (don't do it, and if you do do it, don't admit it!). In this regard, I feel very good about who I am. When I felt kissing was not for me, I didn't do it. When I decided to do it, I did so without regret. Yes, I happened to marry the first man I kissed and slept with, but I made those choices knowing that we might not getting married and knowing I was ok with that. My friend is still not married, so she's either had to give up her beliefs (which I don't think she has) or live a sexually frustrated life for the last 12 years. No thank you!

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/31/2009 6:13:02 PM
Author: phoenixgirl

But since DH is obviously the only person I have kissed, I think I can speak to both sides. I don''t regret not having kissed or slept with men other than my husband, and I tend to think sexual incompatibility is just a matter of keep trying until you figure it out (and think about it--even if you''ve had dozens of partners, you''ll never know for sure that there isn''t some amazing sexual yin to your yang out there who would be so much better than anyone else you''ve ever been with--no one can ever know that for sure). In fact, if I''m not a very good kisser or a very good lay, I think maybe I''d rather not know, ya know? Ignorance is bliss, as they say.

what does that mean??

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/31/2009 4:48:21 PM
Author: vespergirl



I totally agree - I would never impose my views on someone else, and I think it's very nice and romantic if a couple chooses to wait for religious or moral reasons, and I'm sure those types of marriages work for many people - I just wanted to throw out the one extreme circumstance that I know of where it didn't work. I know that for me, because I am a highly sexual person, I would need to have a good sex life to have a happy marriage, so I would want to make sure that I was compatible with my partner before a commitment like marriage.

sooo...do you grade them like...EX/EX,VG/VG,G/G. in different categories?

and..what happens if you fail his expectations and he kicks you out of his bed,then would you be upset ?

 

[honey22]

I admire them, but as they say, if you don''t have it you won''t know what your missing

DF and I have been living together for wel over 10 years, so I guess you can say we have had the odd smooch here or there

It''s these strange practises that lead to problems further down the track. I recently heard of a German couple who were having fertility treatment for 8 years. They are now sueing their doctors for negligence. Apparently it took 8 years to actually ask this couple IF THEY WERE IN FACT HAVING INTERCOURSE!!!!

They didn''t even know what sex was let alone been doing it, and had seen doctor after doctor in an effort to cure their fertility problems. They grew up in such a strict culture sex was never mentioned. Poor things were sleeping in the same bed and thinking it was all going to be happening. She is apparently preggers now though, once they knew what to do, it was all good

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 2/1/2009 4:56:03 AM
Author: honey22
I admire them, but as they say, if you don''t have it you won''t know what your missing

DF and I have been living together for wel over 10 years, so I guess you can say we have had the odd smooch here or there

It''s these strange practises that lead to problems further down the track. I recently heard of a German couple who were having fertility treatment for 8 years. They are now sueing their doctors for negligence. Apparently it took 8 years to actually ask this couple IF THEY WERE IN FACT HAVING INTERCOURSE!!!!

They didn''t even know what sex was let alone been doing it, and had seen doctor after doctor in an effort to cure their fertility problems. They grew up in such a strict culture sex was never mentioned. Poor things were sleeping in the same bed and thinking it was all going to be happening. She is apparently preggers now though, once they knew what to do, it was all good

WTF?

I''m surprised the husband never had "the talk" with his father. Isn''t that what fathers are supposed to do -- talk to their sons about the wedding night???

I kissed DH and a few other guys before marriage, lol. But, neither DH nor I have ever slept with anyone else, and we were both 21 at the time of, er, deflouring (I know I spelled that wrong). It definitely wasn''t bad, but it got significantly better over the years. I don''t regret the fact that I''ve never been with anyone else, or feel as if I missed out on anything. In fact, I kind of like the idea that sex is something that we''ve only shared with each other.

Growing up I''ve always had a sort of conceited attitude about sex, as in, "what makes you so special that I should engage in sex with you?" All my friends thought I was too picky, and a prude, but I''ve learned enough from their drama with sex, and that was enough for me to say I didn''t want it unless I was in a serious relationship.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 2/1/2009 4:56:03 AM
Author: honey22
I admire them, but as they say, if you don''t have it you won''t know what your missing

DF and I have been living together for wel over 10 years, so I guess you can say we have had the odd smooch here or there

It''s these strange practises that lead to problems further down the track. I recently heard of a German couple who were having fertility treatment for 8 years. They are now sueing their doctors for negligence. Apparently it took 8 years to actually ask this couple IF THEY WERE IN FACT HAVING INTERCOURSE!!!!

They didn''t even know what sex was let alone been doing it, and had seen doctor after doctor in an effort to cure their fertility problems. They grew up in such a strict culture sex was never mentioned. Poor things were sleeping in the same bed and thinking it was all going to be happening. She is apparently preggers now though, once they knew what to do, it was all good

I know I shouldn''t but that is funny

 

[platinumrock]

Date: 2/1/2009 4:56:03 AM
Author: honey22
I admire them, but as they say, if you don''t have it you won''t know what your missing

DF and I have been living together for wel over 10 years, so I guess you can say we have had the odd smooch here or there

It''s these strange practises that lead to problems further down the track. I recently heard of a German couple who were having fertility treatment for 8 years. They are now sueing their doctors for negligence. Apparently it took 8 years to actually ask this couple IF THEY WERE IN FACT HAVING INTERCOURSE!!!!

They didn''t even know what sex was let alone been doing it, and had seen doctor after doctor in an effort to cure their fertility problems. They grew up in such a strict culture sex was never mentioned. Poor things were sleeping in the same bed and thinking it was all going to be happening. She is apparently preggers now though, once they knew what to do, it was all good

WOW....there are no words.

Procreation should be a privilege, not a right. Before it was the survival of the strongest, now it''s the survival of the dumbest.

*their genes are winning...their genes are winning*

 

[MonkeyPie]

I didn''t save myself for marriage, but let me tell you, if I HAD, and ended up with that first guy I was with...omfg, I would be SO miserable. He was terrible in the sack and never once even attempted to help me get mine, if you catch my drift. And I think the way a man treats a woman during sex speaks volumes about how he really feels about her.

Sex before marriage = knowing if you will truly be happy.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

According to my mom, the first time I kissed a boy I was 4 years old! lol I''m guessing it was a peck on the cheek.

When my son was in preschool, one of the little girls who liked him walked up and kissed him on the lips. . .I''m guessing (and hoping) that was a peck too! Hearing that kind of grossed me out considering all the germs, etc., that tend to be floating around at preschools/schools.

Overall, it was cute, though. . .

I cannot believe that a person would be so uncurious about sex that they wouldn''t even venture to KISS!!! Maybe kissing is the gateway act and some don''t want to risk what a simple kiss can lead to such as possibly some fun???

 

[Dee*Jay]

Date: 2/1/2009 4:56:03 AM
Author: honey22
I admire them, but as they say, if you don''t have it you won''t know what your missing

DF and I have been living together for wel over 10 years, so I guess you can say we have had the odd smooch here or there

It''s these strange practises that lead to problems further down the track. I recently heard of a German couple who were having fertility treatment for 8 years. They are now sueing their doctors for negligence. Apparently it took 8 years to actually ask this couple IF THEY WERE IN FACT HAVING INTERCOURSE!!!!

They didn''t even know what sex was let alone been doing it, and had seen doctor after doctor in an effort to cure their fertility problems. They grew up in such a strict culture sex was never mentioned. Poor things were sleeping in the same bed and thinking it was all going to be happening. She is apparently preggers now though, once they knew what to do, it was all good

LOL - when I first read this I thought YOU LIVE WITH DANCING FIRE? But then I figured it out...

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/1/2009 4:56:03 AM
Author: honey22
I admire them, but as they say, if you don''t have it you won''t know what your missing

DF and I have been living together for wel over 10 years, so I guess you can say we have had the odd smooch here or there

honey

....don''t tell my wife.

 

[Girlrocks]

Date: 2/1/2009 4:56:03 AM
Author: honey22
I admire them, but as they say, if you don''t have it you won''t know what your missing

DF and I have been living together for wel over 10 years, so I guess you can say we have had the odd smooch here or there

It''s these strange practises that lead to problems further down the track. I recently heard of a German couple who were having fertility treatment for 8 years. They are now sueing their doctors for negligence. Apparently it took 8 years to actually ask this couple IF THEY WERE IN FACT HAVING INTERCOURSE!!!!

They didn''t even know what sex was let alone been doing it, and had seen doctor after doctor in an effort to cure their fertility problems. They grew up in such a strict culture sex was never mentioned. Poor things were sleeping in the same bed and thinking it was all going to be happening. She is apparently preggers now though, once they knew what to do, it was all good

OMG, these people should not be allowed to have children.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 2/1/2009 3:33:17 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
I didn''t save myself for marriage, but let me tell you, if I HAD, and ended up with that first guy I was with...omfg, I would be SO miserable. He was terrible in the sack and never once even attempted to help me get mine, if you catch my drift. And I think the way a man treats a woman during sex speaks volumes about how he really feels about her.

Sex before marriage = knowing if you will truly be happy.

Hm...I think the way a man treats a woman outside of sex speaks volumes on how he really feels about her.

Therefore I think for many, no sex before marriage can certainly make for truly happy marriages.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 2/1/2009 10:45:55 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/1/2009 3:33:17 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
I didn''t save myself for marriage, but let me tell you, if I HAD, and ended up with that first guy I was with...omfg, I would be SO miserable. He was terrible in the sack and never once even attempted to help me get mine, if you catch my drift. And I think the way a man treats a woman during sex speaks volumes about how he really feels about her.

Sex before marriage = knowing if you will truly be happy.

Hm...I think the way a man treats a woman outside of sex speaks volumes on how he really feels about her.

Therefore I think for many, no sex before marriage can certainly make for truly happy marriages.

Good point TG.

 

[trillionaire]

I don''t think that there is anything wrong with waiting until you are married to be intimate, but I am a bit anxious about upbrinings that indoctrinate children at such a young age, and then they subsequently marry really young (1 before they have a chance to mature and expose themselves to other ideas. If you have questioned your beliefs, that''s one thing, but jumping from a parents house to hubby''s at 18 when you have never know ANYTHING else does frighten me. A sheltered and unexamined life isn''t my idea of an ideal situatoin, and people experience so much personal growth from 18-mid twenties, it does make me wonder. However, you can do any or all exploring and persomal growth WITHOUT sex, or even kissing.

I don''t think you need to test out the goods before marriage. I do think that intimacy adds something to a relationship, increasing connectedness and vulnerability.

 

[trillionaire]

I am watching this Duggar wedding. The family seems really nice and the wedding is sweet. The groom is VERY horny! I thought the dad trying to give advice to his son was cute! The first kiss bit was way weird, but I think all bride/groom kisses are awkward

Then it was funny how they kept kissing, lol!

oh well... just wanted to say I was watching...

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 2/4/2009 11:59:26 PM
Author: trillionaire
I am watching this Duggar wedding. The family seems really nice and the wedding is sweet. The groom is VERY horny! I thought the dad trying to give advice to his son was cute! The first kiss bit was way weird, but I think all bride/groom kisses are awkward

Then it was funny how they kept kissing, lol!

oh well... just wanted to say I was watching...

Hehe isn''t it funny how they NEVER let go of each other''s hands during the engagement? I''m not trying to crack on them at all, I just think it''s funny that even his sisters got sick of seeing it while they were hanging out with them. Of course, we only see what the show has edited for us to see. There may have been plenty of times they weren''t holding hands, who knows.

 

[Kelli]

delete post sorry

 

[Kelli]

Date: 2/1/2009 3:50:43 PM
Author: Dee*Jay

Date: 2/1/2009 4:56:03 AM

Author: honey22

I admire them, but as they say, if you don''t have it you won''t know what your missing

DF and I have been living together for wel over 10 years, so I guess you can say we have had the odd smooch here or there

It''s these strange practises that lead to problems further down the track. I recently heard of a German couple who were having fertility treatment for 8 years. They are now sueing their doctors for negligence. Apparently it took 8 years to actually ask this couple IF THEY WERE IN FACT HAVING INTERCOURSE!!!!

They didn''t even know what sex was let alone been doing it, and had seen doctor after doctor in an effort to cure their fertility problems. They grew up in such a strict culture sex was never mentioned. Poor things were sleeping in the same bed and thinking it was all going to be happening. She is apparently preggers now though, once they knew what to do, it was all good

LOL - when I first read this I thought YOU LIVE WITH DANCING FIRE? But then I figured it out...

Lol I though the same thing!!

 

[Kelli]

Date: 2/1/2009 10:45:55 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 2/1/2009 3:33:17 PM

Author: MonkeyPie

I didn''t save myself for marriage, but let me tell you, if I HAD, and ended up with that first guy I was with...omfg, I would be SO miserable. He was terrible in the sack and never once even attempted to help me get mine, if you catch my drift. And I think the way a man treats a woman during sex speaks volumes about how he really feels about her.



Sex before marriage = knowing if you will truly be happy.

Hm...I think the way a man treats a woman outside of sex speaks volumes on how he really feels about her.


Therefore I think for many, no sex before marriage can certainly make for truly happy marriages.

I agree with MonkeyPie. Of course the way a man treats you OUTSIDE of sex speaks volumes, that goes without saying. But I''d be willing to bet that there are guys out there who are generally nice people but are selfish in the sack, and THANKFULLY, I already know I don''t have one of those!

And BTW, I also agree with platinum rock, that does seem like survival of the dumbest. It is too bad that she''s pregnant now.