JFF: Did you kiss your husband/wife before marriage?

[diamondseeker2006]

Oh goodness, VG! I''d have to say that is extremely, extremely rare! I honestly think a couple should mutually agree on what they do or not do before marriage.

I do know a girl who did not kiss the boys she dated because she wanted to save all intimacy for the man she would marry. I assume once she was engaged that they kissed!!! But I am sure they waited until they were married for sex. (And yes, they are still together...no major sexual dysfunction as far as I know!

)

I know two other girls in the last 3 years who waited to have sex until they were married, and those engagements were about 3 months before the weddings!

I really do not know anyone who has not kissed before marriage. But seriously, I think chemistry is absolutely there or not without having to kiss to find out.

 

[purrfectpear]

Not only did I kiss them, I plumb wore them out

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Hmmm ok I feel I need to offer what insight I do have here. Not arguing with anyone, just trying to explain some of the things you're seeing on there.

The Duggars are very conservative Christians. I've watched some of the episodes, including the one recently with the wedding. Josh is the oldest son, and he met Anna at a home-school conference in 2006. She comes from a family of 8 kids, and his has 18. On the show, he described it this way: "Dating means you're shopping around. A courtship is the path toward marriage." He sees dating as giving away a bit of your heart to each person you date, especially when you're intimate with them, even kiss them - so when you finally get to the person you're going to marry, you don't have all of your heart to give them. So by only courting, you're only getting serious when it's someone you'd seriously consider or plan on marrying. He said for courtship, you approach the father and ask permission to court her and marry her, at which point you begin the serious "getting to know each other." He called her father in 2008, so they'd known each other for two years, but it's not like they lived in the same city - he's in Arkansas, she was in Florida. So he proposed after calling her father, and their engagement was 3 months. I know people probably see that as so weird, because "how do they know they'll get along" or "how do they know they're attracted to each other if they haven't kissed"... They have spent time together - it's not like they had an arranged marriage. They met each other, and it was their choice to get married. There ARE ways to be attacted to people that are not physical, which are more important here than lusting and wanting someone just physically. Liking how they'd kiss is not their major concern. It's more about being compatible as a couple and knowing they are attracted emotionally and mentally - their foremost goal is to lead a life pleasing to God and raise a godly family. But I mean it is obvious in the episode that they are attracted physically too - he thinks she's beautiful, and he kept talking about how excited he was to get to the wedding night.

But the point is that they still waited. I watched it and did gag along with the rest of you at all the hand holding and cheesiness - I could tell through the proposal that they were both really awkward, especially him, knowing the cameras were all around. But regardless of that, they have very conservative values, which is why they make the decisions that make so many people on here and everywhere else think they're so "weird." Josh and Anna wanted to remain pure before marriage, which includes avoiding temptations and things that lure you too far. (This is also why the kids' TV and computer time is very closely monitored.) Josh (and some of his sisters as well) made it clear that their parents never once forced them to comply with "courting" - the kids are all very level headed, and their parents raised them in line with what they believe and are now letting the older ones make their own choices. Josh chose to not date around, and he chose to formally court Anna. They could have held hands if they wanted - the parent's didn't "restrict" them to just that. They weren't "ordered" not to kiss. Josh and Anna asked their parents if they thought it would be ok to hold hands, in other words, asking if they thought it would tempt them to do more, and the parents said they thought it would be fine. So they do this to remain pure before marriage. This, of course, includes no sex, but the no kissing is part of avoiding the temptation. I'm sure they could have kissed if they wanted, but they knew it would tempt them more.

And the chaperoning part is not "chaperoned" by adults like we all think of. It just means that whenever they're together, one of his or her sisters or brothers or someone is always around or nearby. Haha, on the show, they just about made Josh's sisters sick because they literally were holding hands all the time. But the point is just to have someone nearby that keeps you accountable. They're less likely to justify to themselves to go ahead and kiss or do anything else before they get married. The idea just helps keep them pure, which was their goal.

I understand how most of you see this as crazy, but the religion is the basis of it all. I'm not saying they're crazy, eccentric, cult people. I'm saying that their conservative Christian beliefs and the Bible are what they base their desire to remain pure on, and what they base the decision about children on. It's God's will to give them however many children they have. The Bible is the basis of how they live, and it's the foundation for marriage. Marriage is meant to reflect Jesus' relationship with the church, and how it was done in the Bible - back then, women were under their father's roof until they were married. Then they became their husband's "property." Now I know there are many on here that would say times have changed and feminism is here now and women shouldn't be "property" - but it's not in the sense of "hey woman, go do this, go do that." It's based on the fact that in a Christian family, the father is meant to be the spiritual leader of the family, and the wife supports him in that role. So when a Christian woman marries a Christian man, the man is the "head" of the household in that sense. But the man and wife belong to one another, not just the woman "belonging to the man."

I realize many people see this family as so weird, but I just wanted to elaborate a little bit. They're not as weird as they may seem to you. They are a Christian family, like millions around the world. But they have a TV show because they have 18 kids , which most families don't have, and someone wanted to document that. So you're getting a look into this family that has the same base beliefs as so many others, they just don't use birth control and are very conservative. But I think so many people see it as strange because it's one of the VERY few TV shows you'll ever see that actually has conservative people on it - everything else broadcasted today is open about sex, sleeping around, being unfaithful to your spouse, etc, and unless your circle of friends/family includes more conservative people, when most people see someone who's never KISSED before, it's "insane." But please, just take a minute to realize that you're just seeing the complete opposite end of the spectrum here than what is mainstream today.

Many many years ago, pretty much everybody waited till marriage for sex. So it's not a terrible thing at all when 2 virgins get married, or else none of us would be here!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Well I kissed DH before marriage and much more too! Like Vesper, I am a proponent of sex before marriage (I love that statement, cracks me up!!)

My main concern about this couple and couples like them is that they are getting married when they are still in the midst of the hot and heavy romantic phase of a relationship. That is a heady time for most of us, and if you have been obsessing about holding someones hand--let along other parts of their body--then I cannot help but think that your hormones and your mind are not necessarily focussed on the most important things that predict longer term compatibility. I just don''t think anyone should get married while still in the romantic phase. As all of us know who have been with our spouse for more than 2-3 years, the relationship post-romantic era is very different than in the romantic phase! Still wonderful and loving (hopefully) but very different.

That isn''t to say that thic couple and others like them will get divorced because they married so young and so soon. I''m sure they will never get divorced because it is against their religion. But in my mind, simply staying together is not the benchmark of a good marriage--happiness and relationship satisfaction is much more important! And there are lots of unhappy people who have stayed together for various reasons.

Anyhoo, I wish these young uns the best. And I hope that book that his dad gave him explains all about female anatomy! Too virgins fumbling around is a recipe for disapointment! LOL!

 

[oobiecoo]

I''ve watched the Duggars... at first I thought the no kissing thing was strange. But THEN I saw this other show where the couple had no physical contact at all before marriage. No hand holding, face touching, nothing... and they were just Baptist or something like that. I think the girl''s dad is the one who throws the "Purity Balls" for dads and daughters so I guess the family is just super conservative. Personally, I don''t think there is anything wrong with no kissing... like Tgal said, we could do with less hormonal humping among kids. If the Duggars inspire just one teen to consider saving SOME part of herself for later (where it be a very serious relationship or future husband or whatever) then I think it''ll be a positive thing.

 

[mrssalvo]

One of my best childhood friends did not kiss any boy until her husband on their wedding day. They were a very religious family. they were homeschooled kids but very bright. I remember she went to a conference when she was 12-13 years old and she made a pledge to wait until marriage for the kiss and they talked about the whole courtship thing. Her parents asked me to go with them to the conference and my christian parents said no. they felt that the lead speaker was too legalistic and didn''t want me attending. Anyway, she''s been married over 10 years now and has five kids. I think they also do not believe in birth control stating that they believe God open and closes the womb. She got preggo on her honeymoon with her first

 

[Linda W]

Date: 1/30/2009 1:56:47 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Not only did I kiss them, I plumb wore them out

LOL LOL, same with my hubby.

 

[luvthemstrawberries]

Date: 1/30/2009 1:16:08 PM
Author: TravelingGal

All joking aside, I do think whatever a couple decides to do mutually is great. No sex, no kissing, no soulful gazing, whatever. In fact, I think (use crochety cranky voice here) kids these days could do with more talking and getting to know one another instead of hot hormone induced sex. We're a have sex first, make sure we're compatible that way, then get to know ya society these days. I'm sad to say even TGuy started out that way (in my defense, he was only supposed to be a 2 night stand

) but at least we paid our dues when we had hardly any sex over the course of a two year long distance relationship and had a lot of getting to know one another over marathon phone calls.

Hehe this is a much shorter version of the point I was trying to make. They just get to know each other in a way that is different than mainstream. Sex comes after marriage. Compatibility is based on how you get along and having common goals and beliefs, not how great kisses or whatever else is. That once (long ago) was the mainstream.

I do agree with oobiecoo also that it'd be a great thing if just one person could feel like there is a reason to save yourself and have respect for yourself that doesn't require a guy getting you in bed, the show has a positive impact.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/30/2009 1:59:38 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie


Anyhoo, I wish these young uns the best. And I hope that book that his dad gave him explains all about female anatomy! Too virgins fumbling around is a recipe for disapointment! LOL!

I highly disagree with this.

I lost my virginity to another virgin. Afterwards, I thought, hot damn, should have tried this sooner!!

 

[Lauren8211]

ITA with the "trying it out before marriage" concept, but that''s because of my personal views on marriage and sex. To me marriage is an equal partnership based on love (primarily) and mutual respect, and sex is to be enjoyed and not just for pro-creation. Sorry, but sex would never work for me with a guy who didn''t think my enjoyment was just as critical as his in the equation. I make that very clear from day 1.

Not everyone views marriage and sex in this way, so it only makes sense that ''trying it out'' doesn''t work for those people, either.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:18:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 1:59:38 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie


Anyhoo, I wish these young uns the best. And I hope that book that his dad gave him explains all about female anatomy! Too virgins fumbling around is a recipe for disapointment! LOL!

I highly disagree with this.

I lost my virginity to another virgin. Afterwards, I thought, hot damn, should have tried this sooner!!

I semi-disagree. Hehe. I also lost my virginity to a virgin, and it was not exactly "enjoyable" for a while. However, we dated for 5 years, and we figured it out eventually!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

luvthemstrawberries, that was a very nice explanation! Thank you!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:23:55 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 1/30/2009 2:18:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 1:59:38 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie


Anyhoo, I wish these young uns the best. And I hope that book that his dad gave him explains all about female anatomy! Too virgins fumbling around is a recipe for disapointment! LOL!

I highly disagree with this.

I lost my virginity to another virgin. Afterwards, I thought, hot damn, should have tried this sooner!!

I semi-disagree. Hehe. I also lost my virginity to a virgin, and it was not exactly ''enjoyable'' for a while. However, we dated for 5 years, and we figured it out eventually!

Elledizzy, how old were you? I was 23 and the other virgin was the same, I believe. He was a good looking guy, so I found it weird that he was one. But on the other hand, I wasn''t exactly a dog either, so maybe it was that we hadn''t found someone we wanted to experience that with yet.

Anyhow, maybe age has something to do with it? It''s not like either of us hadn''t kissed anyone else before...

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:26:47 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:23:55 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 1/30/2009 2:18:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 1:59:38 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie


Anyhoo, I wish these young uns the best. And I hope that book that his dad gave him explains all about female anatomy! Too virgins fumbling around is a recipe for disapointment! LOL!

I highly disagree with this.

I lost my virginity to another virgin. Afterwards, I thought, hot damn, should have tried this sooner!!

I semi-disagree. Hehe. I also lost my virginity to a virgin, and it was not exactly ''enjoyable'' for a while. However, we dated for 5 years, and we figured it out eventually!

Elledizzy, how old were you? I was 23 and the other virgin was the same, I believe. He was a good looking guy, so I found it weird that he was one. But on the other hand, I wasn''t exactly a dog either, so maybe it was that we hadn''t found someone we wanted to experience that with yet.

Anyhow, maybe age has something to do with it? It''s not like either of us hadn''t kissed anyone else before...

I was 17, he was 18. I had eh... pretty much ZERO experience with anything before him, other than kissing. So I guess I was just playing catch up? I guess we had to get the basics down first, so age probably played into it a bit, since I was damn near clueless!

 

[jas]

I have to kiss my husband now that we''re married?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:33:20 PM
Author: jas
I have to kiss my husband now that we''re married?

I knew those adorable boys were from the milkman!!!

 

[jas]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:35:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:33:20 PM
Author: jas
I have to kiss my husband now that we''re married?

I knew those adorable boys were from the milkman!!!

I have to kiss my milkman, too?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:36:42 PM
Author: jas

Date: 1/30/2009 2:35:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:33:20 PM
Author: jas
I have to kiss my husband now that we''re married?

I knew those adorable boys were from the milkman!!!

I have to kiss my milkman, too?

No, no kissing the milkman! Remember what Julia Roberts said in pretty woman! You can breed with the milkman, but no kissing.

 

[jas]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:38:18 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:36:42 PM
Author: jas

Date: 1/30/2009 2:35:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:33:20 PM
Author: jas
I have to kiss my husband now that we''re married?

I knew those adorable boys were from the milkman!!!

I have to kiss my milkman, too?

No, no kissing the milkman! Remember what Julia Roberts said in pretty woman! You can breed with the milkman, but no kissing.

Got it. No kissing, just breeding with the milkman. All kissing, no breeding with the hubs. Once I commit that to memory, you can tell me what goes on with the UPS man.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:43:50 PM
Author: jas

Date: 1/30/2009 2:38:18 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:36:42 PM
Author: jas

Date: 1/30/2009 2:35:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:33:20 PM
Author: jas
I have to kiss my husband now that we''re married?

I knew those adorable boys were from the milkman!!!

I have to kiss my milkman, too?

No, no kissing the milkman! Remember what Julia Roberts said in pretty woman! You can breed with the milkman, but no kissing.

Got it. No kissing, just breeding with the milkman. All kissing, no breeding with the hubs. Once I commit that to memory, you can tell me what goes on with the UPS man.

He delivers.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/30/2009 1:28:32 PM
Author: vespergirl
I am an advocate of sex before marriage, because you would want to know about any type of major sexual dysfunction, or even sexual incompatibility before marriage. I have a friend who had to get her marriage annulled due to her husband''s impotence. They were good Catholics who decided to wait to have sex before they got married, and she was devastated to discover that they could not consummate their marriage. It was a horrible situation, and I think that ''testing the goods before you buy'' is important. Sex is one of the very most important parts of marriage, and if your sex life isn''t going to work, neither is your marriage.

like a 30 day free trial?

get him some blue pills.

 

[jas]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:44:53 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:43:50 PM
Author: jas

Date: 1/30/2009 2:38:18 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:36:42 PM
Author: jas

Date: 1/30/2009 2:35:13 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:33:20 PM
Author: jas
I have to kiss my husband now that we''re married?

I knew those adorable boys were from the milkman!!!

I have to kiss my milkman, too?

No, no kissing the milkman! Remember what Julia Roberts said in pretty woman! You can breed with the milkman, but no kissing.

Got it. No kissing, just breeding with the milkman. All kissing, no breeding with the hubs. Once I commit that to memory, you can tell me what goes on with the UPS man.

He delivers.

So did my OB/GYN. I''m thinking corporate crossover here...like shoving my OB into a brown truck...

*goes off mumbling something about it absolutely, positively having to be there overnight*

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 1/30/2009 1:56:47 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Not only did I kiss them, I plumb wore them out

........... lunch time!!

 

[somethingshiny]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:52:01 PM
Author: jas

Date: 1/30/2009 2:44:53 PM

Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:43:50 PM

Author: jas

Date: 1/30/2009 2:38:18 PM

Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:36:42 PM

Author: jas

Date: 1/30/2009 2:35:13 PM

Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 2:33:20 PM

Author: jas

I have to kiss my husband now that we''re married?

I knew those adorable boys were from the milkman!!!

I have to kiss my milkman, too?

No, no kissing the milkman! Remember what Julia Roberts said in pretty woman! You can breed with the milkman, but no kissing.

Got it. No kissing, just breeding with the milkman. All kissing, no breeding with the hubs. Once I commit that to memory, you can tell me what goes on with the UPS man.

He delivers.

So did my OB/GYN. I''m thinking corporate crossover here...like shoving my OB into a brown truck...


*goes off mumbling something about it absolutely, positively having to be there overnight*

OMG!!! ROFLMAO!!!!

 

[trillionaire]

SO and I dated for 6 months before we kissed. Call me conservative.

When we DID kiss, wowsa!

I think our society puts a high premium on romantic love, and chemistry and all that, but romance can be cultivated, and marriage as a practical social institution does not have to be romantic to be functional, and love can develop and grow over time. My friend has an arranged marriage, and he was very thankful for it. He loves his wife very much, they are very well suited for one another, and they are quite happy. They did not kiss before they got married, they barely met.

I also notice that all the folks waiting until they get married to kiss or have sex are marrying really young. That's fine if it's your bag, but I don't know if it's healthy or practical past a certain age, really. JMO, of course.

and LOL @ all the hand holding comments. SO and I have been dating for 5 yrs, and everyone at X-mas this year was giving us a hard time because we were constantly holding hands... it was totally subconscious, and quite funny when others pointed it out. I guess we are used to being by ourselves, where our touchy-feelyness goes unnoticed.

ETA: as for the comments on impotency... I love SO. I also love

. That being said, if he became impotent for whatever reason, I cannot imagine just leaving him. He would be devastated if he was impotent, and more devastated if I left. I couldn't do that to him. Now, if he became and @$$hole because of it, I might leave, but sex is not THE most important thing in a relationship. There are other things to do to remain intimate, and we would do those things.

 

[April20]

Heck yeah we kissed before we were married. I had to know if he was good at it. On our 3rd date (I think it was the 3rd), i made it abundantly clear that he was supposed to kiss me when he dropped me at home. He''s the kind of guy that doesn''t take action unless he''s really, really sure. It took me four weeks of giving him ridiculously clear signals to ask me out before he did and I wasn''t waiting months for him to decide I''d be okay with him kissing me. He was really good at it, so I married him.

 

[InLuv101]

I definetly did not wait to kiss DH before we got married.

I really do like the Duggers though. I think if Josh & Anna wanted to wait to kiss until they were married than that is totally their decision just as it was mine to go ahead & kiss DH before we got married. I respect their decision and wish them a long loving marriage.

 

[Shoopy]

On our first date, FI brought over a friend and I had a friend (you know how that goes) and we all watched a movie in my apartment.

FI went to the kitchen to put all of our plates in the sink for us. This is the same man that on the first night I met him (I used to date his friend) one of the other guys dropped a beer bottle on the floor and it shattered. FI was in the bathroom when it happened and when he came out and saw me picking up the glass (because none of the other guys moved), he ran over and told me to stop immediately and picked it up for me.

So I followed him into the kitchen and gave him a huge kiss. He wasn''t expecting it at all. It was awesome.

So no...I didn''t wait LOL

I don''t know anyone else that waited either besides those that waited for their honeymoon night to DTD. I think its a cute sentiment. I wouldn''t be able to go through without kissing though.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 1/30/2009 2:18:44 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 1/30/2009 1:59:38 PM

Author: dreamer_dachsie



Anyhoo, I wish these young uns the best. And I hope that book that his dad gave him explains all about female anatomy! Too virgins fumbling around is a recipe for disapointment! LOL!

I highly disagree with this.


I lost my virginity to another virgin. Afterwards, I thought, hot damn, should have tried this sooner!!

Ditto TGal! No disappointment here!

I was 22, he was 23. And it's STILL good, 4 yrs later

 

[Definitely. Maybe]

Date: 1/30/2009 3:37:40 PM
Author: InLuv101
I definetly did not wait to kiss DH before we got married.

I really do like the Duggers though. I think if Josh & Anna wanted to wait to kiss until they were married than that is totally their decision just as it was mine to go ahead & kiss DH before we got married. I respect their decision and wish them a long loving marriage.

Ditto. I really respect them because they knew their options and how others are and are always staying true to what they believe in.