Is ring for the giver or the recipient?

[missy]

It seems that a lot of times the giver will get what they want the recipient to have, but who is it for? Why are the typical rules of gift giving out the window when buying an engagement ring? Typically when someone gets you a gift they choose something they believe you would enjoy. I feel that if it is something that I am hoping to wear the rest of my life I should have some input and get what I want. I know getting the recipient involved ruins the element of surprise, but if you are close to getting engaged you've probably been pointed in the right direction dozens of times and probably don't even need to get them involved. What happens when you get a ring you don't like? I know marriage is not about the ring, but I happen to feel it is a very important thing!

What are your thoughts?

Good luck!

Haha I got what I(we) wanted! We worked on it together from beginning to end. The proposal was still a surprise though.

Congratulations makhro!!
Off to search for your ring thread!

ETA: oooh, beautiful ring!!

 

[affguy]

I think it will vary from couple to couple, but for me (giver), I needed to have some input on the process. I solicited substantial input from my fiancee, but in the end, I picked the stone (and got her approval) and the setting (remained a surprise). When I'm spending a pretty substantial sum of money to purchase something almost entirely symbolic in value, I think my input needs to be part and parcel to the project. Of course I expect to purchase something my betrothed will love, and if I fail in that regard, we can go about fixing my mistake. But the concept of saying, "Honey, the budget for your ring is X thousand dollars, have fun and send me the bill" seems to me to show about as much effort and romance as buying a gift card.

 

[Frenchcut]

I think the ring if for both the giver and the recipient.

It's obvious that the receipient should receive a ring that she likes but the giver should also feel part of the decision making and not feel like he's a "walking wallet". Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that some people on PS see their fiance as a walking wallet , just that it may be frustrating to feel that your opinion is not taken into account when you're the one spending a lot of hard earned money on the ring...

 

[Mednikow_Atlanta]

Where every man would like to give his chosen bride the largest and most flawless diamond in the world...

Not every man can afford a 3 carat diamond, many have great difficulty affording a 0.25 carat diamond. But, every man wants to present this token with genuine love and have it well received.

I have watched many scenarios between couples, ones where she says "I won't accept it unless it is at least 2 carats (true story)!", or where he says "Honey, that diamond is much to big!"

If a woman is lucky enough to be asked what she would like to have as an engagement ring she should answer with the shape of the diamond she prefers, perhaps she should provide an image of a design she likes, but she should not specify size, color, clarity, etc. Please leave that to your fiancee to determine.

I have watched many men agonize over making the right choice for an engagement ring. IMHO a man should select this important ring based on the messages of love and commitment he wishes to convey. When I suggest that to a man it usually puts in all into perspective for him. I always advise that if he buys the ring he thinks is the most beautiful, the one that converys his messages, he cannot go wrong.

As you start your life together, remember that there are many demands on his wallet when it comes to getting married. Love and wealth grow as time marches on...

Don't pressure him at this crucial time.

There will be many occassions for him to present another gem. Be patient.

After 35 years in this business I have very definite opinions. This question is no exception.

 

[slg47]

honestly...the girl is the one wearing the ring. it doesn't make sense to me that a guy would just 'guess' on such a large purchase, especially since she will hopefully wear it for the rest of her life! the ring should make both the giver and recipient happy.

there are many stories on PS of women receiving a surprise ring and hating it and then wondering if the guy really knows her...of course he does, but he might not know what shape of diamond she prefers! it is simply much safer to ask

 

[coati]

Times are a-changin'-more and more women are shopping with their SOs, and/or giving input on engagement ring purchases. This is not unique to PS. The Knot recently did a survey, which included a bit on brides selecting or helping pick their rings.

From the survey:
Where Are Grooms Buying? Approximately two in five grooms (39%) purchased at least part of the ring from a local or independent jeweler, while one in three (35%) purchased at least part of the ring from a national jewelry chain. And nearly 1 out of 10 grooms (9%) purchased from an online retailer. No matter where it’s purchased, are brides helping pick their own ring? Yes. The majority of brides are at least somewhat involved in the ring selection (65%), with nearly a third (31%) ‘very involved’ — that is, they shopped for and/or purchased the ring with their groom. Additionally, 21% of brides will actually visit a retailer in-person without her fiancé, a decrease from 30% for brides engaged in 2008.

Now some folks don't care what the ring looks like as long as it's an engagement ring, but as more rings are shared via social media, you'll get more folks saying, "oooo I want a ring like THAT!!" We see it here in spades. Just look at the trending on ps. Engagement ring purchases are evolving, and that's ok.

As for me? I want to feel pure unadulterated joy every time a look down at my hand...and I do, because I chose my ring(s). And this goes for ALL of my jewelry. The gift is for the recipient. I do the same for my DH. When he really-really loves something, HE chooses. Life is easier that way.

 

[natascha]

Where every man would like to give his chosen bride the largest and most flawless diamond in the world...

Not every man can afford a 3 carat diamond, many have great difficulty affording a 0.25 carat diamond. But, every man wants to present this token with genuine love and have it well received.

I have watched many scenarios between couples, ones where she says "I won't accept it unless it is at least 2 carats (true story)!", or where he says "Honey, that diamond is much to big!"

If a woman is lucky enough to be asked what she would like to have as an engagement ring she should answer with the shape of the diamond she prefers, perhaps she should provide an image of a design she likes, but she should not specify size, color, clarity, etc. Please leave that to your fiancee to determine.

I have watched many men agonize over making the right choice for an engagement ring. IMHO a man should select this important ring based on the messages of love and commitment he wishes to convey. When I suggest that to a man it usually puts in all into perspective for him. I always advise that if he buys the ring he thinks is the most beautiful, the one that converys his messages, he cannot go wrong.

As you start your life together, remember that there are many demands on his wallet when it comes to getting married. Love and wealth grow as time marches on...

Don't pressure him at this crucial time.

There will be many occassions for him to present another gem. Be patient.

After 35 years in this business I have very definite opinions. This question is no exception.

I think you have to differentiate between the money aspect and the personal taste aspect. If anyone said Oh it has to be 2 carats then I think there is something seriously wrong with their priorities. I don't think this is about money, this is about whose preferences regarding design, shape, color, etc (in a given budget) are taken into account when choosing the ring. I feel quite strongly about this since I have been on both the giving and the receiving end. My SO wanted for an engagement ring a wide tungsten band with three small diamonds only, should I not have listened and for example bought gold just because that is what I prefer? Or should I be wearing a thick tension set H&A which I really don't like instead of my thin OMC halo just because that is what my SO feel is more beautiful and conveys the message of forever, indestructible and perfect? We both came in under budget and sat together for hours upon hours looking at rings but in the end the one wearing the ring got to choose their favorite.

 

[makhro82]

Am in the minority about having definite opinions on the C's? I never said you have to buy me so and so carats or I won't say yes, but I did say this is the shape I prefer and I don't want to see inclusions or a lot of color. Is that wrong? We had been together for eight years and had made significant purchases together including a car and a house together. Our finances had long been merged so I knew I was within budget. We've seen it here many times where the recipient doesn't like what she has received and begins wondering if the person knows her at all or if she will be seen as materialistic if she asks (not demands) for something else. Or in the case of the giver thinking that the person is shallow or ungrateful.

At the end of the day I would say it is just like a previous poster said that you have to do what works for your relationship.

 

[makhro82]

I think you have to differentiate between the money aspect and the personal taste aspect. If anyone said Oh it has to be 2 carats then I think there is something seriously wrong with their priorities. I don't think this is about money, this is about whose preferences regarding design, shape, color, etc (in a given budget) are taken into account when choosing the ring.

This is exactly what I meant. It's not about the money. It's about having something that you love and reflect your personal taste.

 

[Aoife]

Where every man would like to give his chosen bride the largest and most flawless diamond in the world...

Not every man can afford a 3 carat diamond, many have great difficulty affording a 0.25 carat diamond. But, every man wants to present this token with genuine love and have it well received.

I have watched many scenarios between couples, ones where she says "I won't accept it unless it is at least 2 carats (true story)!", or where he says "Honey, that diamond is much to big!"

If a woman is lucky enough to be asked what she would like to have as an engagement ring she should answer with the shape of the diamond she prefers, perhaps she should provide an image of a design she likes, but she should not specify size, color, clarity, etc. Please leave that to your fiancee to determine.

I have watched many men agonize over making the right choice for an engagement ring. IMHO a man should select this important ring based on the messages of love and commitment he wishes to convey. When I suggest that to a man it usually puts in all into perspective for him. I always advise that if he buys the ring he thinks is the most beautiful, the one that converys his messages, he cannot go wrong.

As you start your life together, remember that there are many demands on his wallet when it comes to getting married. Love and wealth grow as time marches on...

Don't pressure him at this crucial time.

There will be many occassions for him to present another gem. Be patient.

After 35 years in this business I have very definite opinions. This question is no exception.

I find the notion that a woman should consider herself "lucky" to be asked about her preferences to be appalling. It sets a tone of paternalism and disrespect that may have been acceptable 50 years ago, but was, frankly, dated even when my DH and I got married. These days it's just disturbing. The idea that the woman should be a passive and grateful recipient of the man's largesse, and that if she is suitably appreciative, perhaps more gems might be coming her way from her lord and master makes me want to either laugh or break something.

Makhro82, it sounds as though there was great communication between you and your SO, and you did what worked for you. Congratulations!

 

[partgypsy]

Where every man would like to give his chosen bride the largest and most flawless diamond in the world...

Not every man can afford a 3 carat diamond, many have great difficulty affording a 0.25 carat diamond. But, every man wants to present this token with genuine love and have it well received.

I have watched many scenarios between couples, ones where she says "I won't accept it unless it is at least 2 carats (true story)!", or where he says "Honey, that diamond is much to big!"

If a woman is lucky enough to be asked what she would like to have as an engagement ring she should answer with the shape of the diamond she prefers, perhaps she should provide an image of a design she likes, but she should not specify size, color, clarity, etc. Please leave that to your fiancee to determine.

I have watched many men agonize over making the right choice for an engagement ring. IMHO a man should select this important ring based on the messages of love and commitment he wishes to convey. When I suggest that to a man it usually puts in all into perspective for him. I always advise that if he buys the ring he thinks is the most beautiful, the one that converys his messages, he cannot go wrong.

As you start your life together, remember that there are many demands on his wallet when it comes to getting married. Love and wealth grow as time marches on...

Don't pressure him at this crucial time.

There will be many occassions for him to present another gem. Be patient.

After 35 years in this business I have very definite opinions. This question is no exception.

I find the notion that a woman should consider herself "lucky" to be asked about her preferences to be appalling. It sets a tone of paternalism and disrespect that may have been acceptable 50 years ago, but was, frankly, dated even when my DH and I got married. These days it's just disturbing. The idea that the woman should be a passive and grateful recipient of the man's largesse, and that if she is suitably appreciative, perhaps more gems might be coming her way from her lord and master makes me want to either laugh or break something.

Makhro82, it sounds as though there was great communication between you and your SO, and you did what worked for you. Congratulations!

I agree! Was this text taken from the 1950's?

 

[makhro82]

Makhro82, it sounds as though there was great communication between you and your SO, and you did what worked for you. Congratulations!

Thanks Aoife. You sound like a very wise woman. For us we based the decision on the same principles that have guided us through our last 11 years together: respect, communication, and compromise. I hope that we will have as many years as you and your husband have.

 

[kenny]

The question implies there can be only one answer.
Not so.

If one couple wants the ring to be a complete surprise to her but, another couple wants for her to pick exactly what she wants, both couples are perfect.
If you both feel only she has to like it, that's perfect.
If you both feel you both should like it, that's perfect.
How you feel about this subject applies only to you and your fiance.

If the couple disagrees, this is a great opportunity for the new couple to talk and work out something important together.

Once again, people vary.
Thinking there is ONE way, the RIGHT way, that everyone should adopt is problematic.

 

[Joolz]

Where every man would like to give his chosen bride the largest and most flawless diamond in the world...

Not every man can afford a 3 carat diamond, many have great difficulty affording a 0.25 carat diamond. But, every man wants to present this token with genuine love and have it well received.

I have watched many scenarios between couples, ones where she says "I won't accept it unless it is at least 2 carats (true story)!", or where he says "Honey, that diamond is much to big!"

If a woman is lucky enough to be asked what she would like to have as an engagement ring she should answer with the shape of the diamond she prefers, perhaps she should provide an image of a design she likes, but she should not specify size, color, clarity, etc. Please leave that to your fiancee to determine.

I have watched many men agonize over making the right choice for an engagement ring. IMHO a man should select this important ring based on the messages of love and commitment he wishes to convey. When I suggest that to a man it usually puts in all into perspective for him. I always advise that if he buys the ring he thinks is the most beautiful, the one that converys his messages, he cannot go wrong.

As you start your life together, remember that there are many demands on his wallet when it comes to getting married. Love and wealth grow as time marches on...

Don't pressure him at this crucial time.

There will be many occassions for him to present another gem. Be patient.

After 35 years in this business I have very definite opinions. This question is no exception.

I guess I never considered an engagement ring a gift. My husband and I chose mine together, as we are choosing my upgrade together. For that matter, we make every important financial decision together, and a substantial piece of jewelry to me qualifies as an important financial decision. I am shocked (no, SHOCKED) that someone would be willing to spend thousands of dollars on a piece of jewelry that their beloved may not like. But times are changing and as women contribute to the household income I don't think we can always assume that the man is paying for the ring, etc alone.

In the end, each couple is different and what works for one may not work for another. I think the gifts should bring as much joy to the giver as to the recipient. But I do believe the giver gets enjoyment from the recipients love of the gift, everyone wins if the woman loves her ring.

 

[AndGabe]

I think it definitely depends on the couple. My FI knows I'm *blank*-retentive, so he bought something small to propose with, and we are shopping for our "real" ring together. (Though hindsight, I think FI would've preferred to get an idea of what I liked and then shop on his own.)

My best friend recently got engaged. Her boyfriend/FI bought the ring himself and even though it's not exactly her taste, she loves it anyway because it's from him and signifies their togetherness.

 

[Aoife]

For us we based the decision on the same principles that have guided us through our last 11 years together: respect, communication, and compromise. I hope that we will have as many years as you and your husband have.

The trifecta that leads to a healthy and happy marriage!

Or any relationship, really.

 

[Laughinggravy0]

Its a shared thing, like the life the couple is setting out on together (or the next phase of a longer term relationship)
I think Mediknow (hope I got the name right) was saying that its ok for the woman to say what shape and design they would like, but not to specify a carat weight in case the chap concerned can't run to it and feels horrible for that reason. I agree. I would feel sick at heart if I thought my dear man was finding this selection process stressful because he's worried he can't buy me something big enough. The "2 carat or no deal" story makes me think any guy who puts up with that is an idiot. Sorry, but!!!

Equally, a guy who ignores the wishes of his girlfriend and ploughs right past her hopes to plant on her something he likes (love the bike analogy Haven : ) would ring real alarm bells for me. Control and dominance and odd power games.....

We are looking (yaaaay : ) ) and we have approached it by fixing on a designer and checking out some concepts the designer has (which incl various sizes of stones). I have said what metal I like and that I'd prefer a rectangular stone. I have said that I'm happy if it isn't a diamond but also I have said that under 5mm looks too small on me and in that case I'd be delighted to go with another type of gem stone - so there I did mention size. I've also said that above 7mm is too big (but I don't think that's a danger ; ) )

Now I shall let him decide.

He also knows that I would sincerely be fine with no engagement ring at all. I'd like one, but its really him I want, ring is icing on cake and cake is fine without icing. But I'm in Europe and bling is not a big deal here. There's absolutely no pressure on guys here to come up with a rock - thank goodness.

But I can't imagine him just surprising me with an engagement we hadn't discussed or a ring with no input from me or input that was totally ignored.

Its a question of mutual respect.I don't think there should be any pressure at all to spend money, I think the woman should put forward a variety of options at all prices, and then I think its best left in the chap's hands for what, when and how. But no way should he just ignore the suggestions the woman puts forward and if in doubt I think he should get clarification.

 

[mogster]

IMHO a man should select this important ring based on the messages of love and commitment he wishes to convey.

This sounds like a horrible tagline and I'm having trouble following the logic here. How does one style of ring convey a particular message over another?