Interracial relationships?

[miyabi_na]

If you're in a relationship with someone from another country or someone who comes from a different culture than you (or has different traditions than you), how do you handle everything? Family events, traveling to see their home and family, etc... (Or if you're the one from another country/culture, how does your gf/bf/spouse handle everything?)

If you're married, did you do a traditional American white dress, cake, wedding vowels kind of marriage AND/OR go through your spouse's cultural/religious traditions?

What new things did you learn or learn to love?

(I'm bored here at work....and thought it would be a good subject to hear some interesting dating/marriage experiences from.)

My boyfriend is from Thailand and I have fun learning about and experiencing his culture

 

[laney]

Hmm, when I read your subject line, I thought you may be referring to black, white, asian, or what every the PC terms we use this day for "race".

But I see you are asking more about intercultural relationships.

I was prepared to respond as I am of "mixed race" - mom is white, dad is black, and throughout my life have had experinces in this area. I have 3 other siblings as well that are mixed, and one who is not.

But, my husband and I really aren''t different at all culturally. We share the same rituals, got married how we like, and besides skin color - we have been brought up as typical americans culturally speaking.

So, as far as that goes, I guess I''m of no help! LOL!

 

[miyabi_na]

ah very true! I should change the subject line then...I couldn't think of the right term!

any idea how to change the subject line?

and if you have a story you want to share, I don't mind at all! I don't mean to limit to just cultural things if more people want to post!

It's a very slow day and I'm sure some fun experiences will put smiles on everyone's faces

 

[SoonIHope]

My fiance is Chinese (born there, moved here as a kid), and I''m white American. He has been totally integrated into my family and I don''t think anyone is even conscious of it anymore. Because he mostly grew up here, he is "culturally" very typical American, so in terms of me/my family relating to him there''s really no issue at all. In terms of me and his family, we get along very well and it''s all very pleasant, but they always speak to each other in Chinese, so I''m not as close to them as he is to my family. I also have trouble relating to his mother sometimes because she is VERY unemotional (her response to our getting engaged was "oh okay" like she was bored - and he SWEARS she likes me and is happy about it), but I think that''s just a personal thing, not a Chinese thing (his dad and grandfather were suuuuper excited and nice and cute about it). But if she were more comfortable in English, then we would probably be able to overcome that much more quickly.

As for our wedding, we''re going to have the ceremony be almost entirely western, and then have a separate Chinese wedding banquet a couple weeks later. That way the wedding proper (which isn''t that important in Chinese culture) will be the way I always dreamed of it, but we can still follow all of the Chinese traditions for the banquet. I''m pretty happy with the way it looks like that''s going to turn out.... (it''s not till June 2007) We''ll try to incorporate a few little twists from each into the other though, so it''s not TOO black & white for which is which - I want both of our families to equally enjoy both events. May be wishful thinking, but that''s my plan!

In terms of your typical "interracial couple" issues, I have actually been sort of surprised how little I even notice it. It wasn''t something that even crossed my mind when we started dating, and then no issues ever arose because of it, so I''m always a bit surprised when people refer to us as an interracial couple, like "Oh yeah! I guess we are!"

But it is making it more fun for the wedding I think, because I''m getting excited about using lots of red accents and wearing a cheongsam and all these other little traditional Chinese elements I get to incorporate now!

My final note (since this is getting long, but I''m also bored at work!

) is that I am 90% planning on changing my last name to his, even though it will confuse people since it is a very typical Chinese last name and I am very obviously not Chinese. Has anyone else done this? Do people ever make weird comments to you or anything? I feel like it will probably be pretty cool, because people will always be surprised the first time they see me in person if they''ve heard my name before, but I also worry that it will get annoying having to explain myself since I doubt people will just purely accept that it''s MY name....Any thoughts on that would be welcome!

 

[IndiBlue]

I''m quite happy to see a thread about this subject- as it is one that I deal with on a daily basis.

I''m white. My bf of 5 years is black. We get along wonderfully and can''t imagine life without each other. Our families on the other hand aren''t as comfortable about the situation as we are.

My mom and her husband absolutely loves H. My dad has really never expressed an interest in getting to know H. In five years they have been in the same room together for twice for more then 10 mins. My dad''s parents have pretty much disowned me. According to them I''m going to hell.

My bf''s dad and I get along perfectly! I love him like a father and he''s very protective of me. His mom on the other hand (and her family) have kept me at an arms length and haven''t really taken the time to get to know me. She''s not mean to me, but she''s really never made an effort. I should say that Mr.H is an only child and he and his mom are very close- so I attribute that to do with it as well.

Overall, our lives and our beliefs are the same. There are things though that his family puts alot of importance on that to me are superficial. They very much value other peoples preceptions of them and expect that nothing ever be done to embarrass them. I get the feeling that they will expect a large over the top wedding for their only son and grandson. My family doesn''t have the money or interest in participating in these things.

We live in Indiana, where we aren''t ostersized, but ocasionally we get looks stares and attitude.

My out looks is this. My life has become so rich and fulfilling because of this man- anyone who has any negative thoughts on the subject or want to ney say are not welcome. With that being said though- it doesn''t mean that it''s always easy. Sometimes it''s over whelming and frustrating but at the end of the day- I have this wonderful caring loving smart man by my side. That''s all that matters.

 

[changcon]

hi,

i'll chime in here too. i'm chinese and my husband is italian. while i don't really notice our interracial-ness here (i live in NY state), when we go visit his parents in his tiny little town in northern italy, i do feel we get stared at a lot. i get stared at in his town even when i'm alone.

his parents have been great, although the language barrier issue is difficult.

and about the surname issue... i haven't changed it yet, but will. his last name is typically italian. but i'm concerned with giving our future children his last name because i want to indicate somehow their chinese heritage as well and i'm afraid that with a western first name and an italian last name, that part of their background will be left out...

-c

 

[SarFarSuperstar]

albicocca: My boss is white and she is married to a Chinese man. Her last name is now Choi- so she has the same issue as you. Honestly, it never occurred to me to ask her about it or pry (mostly because it''s none of my business) but I''m sure that some people do. It really hasn''t been an issue at all for her, as far as I can tell. I pretty much think that only really rude, or inquisitive people will ask you about it.

 

[Mara]

I'm half-Persian and half-Mexican and Greg is a mix of Norweigan, Polish on his dad's side and Ukranian on his mom's...so we have quite a hodgepodge going on.

Greg is also from the East Coast and I think his family was kind of surprised when he started dating someone who isnt 'white' but for me and my family it's not a big deal since where we are in N. CA near SF there is so much diversity here, I just love it. That is part of why I don't know if I could ever move anywhere else (besides NY), because I would really miss that 'who cares' attitude around here. His dad lives in somewhat rural Maryland (a lake town) and I get some stares when I go back there because I guess there are no brown people there, I have never seen any, anyways! It's fine for a visit but I don't know if I could move to a place like that. Even if people treated me the same, I'd feel like a sore thumb.

The funniest part is that because here where we are, it's so diverse, and we accept all types of people and we know we may look a little different but I don't know anyone out here who gets offended or is sensitive about things. Well the first time that Greg's dad and stepmom came to visit, we were out driving somewhere, he and I had just started dating, aka ~6 months into it and he was saying something, making a joke and I said something like 'okay, white boy!'...he may have been saying something about my 'tan' or something. Well anyway, his dad TOTALLY heard that in the front seat and I guess was so freaked out that I was a 'racist' that he went back and called Greg's mom about it, and they hardly ever talk!! I thought that was so hilarious, but I guess not to him! He was really concerned that I had called Greg a white boy. Inside I was thinking, well he is white?

But for me (and Greg who didn't care a whit and probably laughed at my joke) it was not derogatory at all, but rather an acknowledgement that we are different in a joking manner. I don't get offended about stuff like that and I feel like others shouldn't either. But anyway that all blew over but that story just cracks me up. His poor dad was probably going what has my son got himself into! Maybe he still thinks that.

The other interesting thing is that Greg is 1st generation because of his mom being Ukranian, and we are 5th generation, so he looks like the all-american boy, but in reality he's closer to his social cultures than I am on my side, I think personally the longer your family is here when you come along, the more diluted most traditions become. But regardless, the way I look at it is that we are both Americans.

Oh and edited to add: re surnames: I took Greg's last name which is very 'white', and combined with my first name Mara, I always feel like clients are surprised for a second when they meet me. It always cracks me up when you see interracial names mixed together, aka I used to work with a gal that had a last name like Diaz-Smith and another one who had something similar. I also run into gals who are Asian who have non-Asian last names because they married another race etc.

 

[Hest88]

I''m 1st generation Chinese-American while my DH''s family, on both sides, can trace their roots back to before the American Revolution. The poor guy had to jump through a gazillion hoops to please my mom, and he still doesn''t quite understand the insane amount of guilt that''s an integral part of our family dynamics. (Silly, but my Catholic and Jewish friends understand guilt very well!) Luckily, though, he''s quite the Sinophile and knows his Chinese history better than I do. He also has a strong enough ego so he doesn''t really care if he has to bow and scrape to my parents sometimes.

When we first started going out we were worried that some of the cultural differences would be issues, but we have so much in common that we''ve been able to skate through most of it. We also live in the Bay Area so interracial couples are everywhere.

I ended up changing my name so now I have a weird German name. It gives people quite a start when they see me, but, again, it''s really not that uncommon here. If we were to have kids I''d definitely use my maiden name as their middle names so the Chinese heritage would still be present.

 

[CdnBlingGal]

I''m Chinese and my Dh is Caucasian.

When DH and I started dating, my family wasn''t so keen on it. All 4 of my other sisters were married to Chinese and kept the tradition but being the black sheep of the family, I was not going to let them run my life and choose who I spend my life with. Of course, they didn''t take to him in the beginning. Besides the fact of being interracial, we''ve got a considerable age gap between the two of us which also played a big part.
As years went by... say more like 6 years, DH (bf at the time) and I moved in together and as time went by my family got to know him and accepted the fact that he might be the one.

Fast forward another 5 years..now we''re married, my family just adores him and the nieces and nephews just wish he can be their Daddy.

He''s learnt how to speak in Chinese on his own so he''s able to communicate with the family. It''s not the best but we all get it. He eats with chopsticks without even thinking. He''s even better at it, then some of the nephews who are 100% Chinese.

He''s still leary about eating some of the more ethnic Chinese food but he''s better than he used to be. How can you blame him for not eating chicken feet?

 

[miyabi_na]

WOW!

Such a great mix of people here...I didn't realize it before!

Okay I'll go one by one cuz it's a lot of people to respond to

Albi: Your plans sound just amazing. I hope you post pictures! I read through your engagement posts the other day and your story made me smile. Your fiance really looks like a happy guy! (even though you say he had a dorky look on his face- but who could blame him? It's the day he proposed to the woman he loves! hehe)
Congratulations to both of you by the way!

As for your name issue- you can go with his last name or hyphenate your last names together like many couples do. (unless you have too many middle names (like I do!) and it would make your whole name too long! LoL)
I don't think many people in this day and age should have a problem with it- so many people have so many different names that it's sometimes really hard to tell who's what anyway. Might even spark some interesting conversations with people!

Does he have contact with any family in China still? Have your or are you going to go over there sometime? That would be some trip!

Indi:
YOUR (and your boyfriends) happiness is all that matters for YOUR relationship anyway! Other people aren't the ones who are spending their life with your bf, it's you and you seem VERY happy.

I'm glad to hear it!
People are always going to throw their opinions at you, but they aren't involved in your life the same way your bf is, and they don't and shouldn't understand the bond you two have. It's also good that you have some support from each side, even if it isn't strong now, it'll grow. If you plan on having children (or if you already have some), they're very lucky! What you learn from your relationship will make your children grow up to be accepting like you. If you don't mind me asking, do you already live together? You said a 5 year relationship...

Chang:
The same name suggestions I gave albi I give to you. Or if you do not want to complicate things with 2 last names, you could give your future children Chinese first or middle names? Of if you don't want to do the middle name thing, have the first name be chinese and just give your child an easier american (or italian) nickname to use for school and stuff. My boyfriend has a full Thai first and last name, but his mother also gave him a short American name to use (and he adopts his stepfather's American last name whenever he knows people won't be able to pronounce his Thai last name)

Okay this is already long..so let me go read through the next 3 posts and see if I have any responses to those too hehe


more questions to add on:

how'd you meet? (if you don't mind sharing)

anyone learn/experience any interesting/quirky/funny/fun/etc thing from your bf/gf/spouse or their family? There's so many different cultures here that someone had to have experienced something they never did before!

okay....off to read more replies....
now the day is flying!

 

[nytemist]

I''m black and my BF is white. I''ve always been attracted to/dated people who have my same interests, taste in movies, music, nutty sense of humor and things like that, never going by their cultural background. BF is the same. He is still kind of shy and non-confrontaional, so he doesn''t quite know how to handle other people staring or being bold enough to make a comment. I, on the other hand, am accustomed to the bias all around me, so I have developed a thick skin for that. I live in Boston and it''s a very separated city. In NY, we have no problems. In Montreal where it looks like every other couple walking by is mixed, we have no problems. Our only problem is other people not liking it. (I''ve had many black men approach me in public telling me that I''ve made the wrong choice, or how could a shame my history and BF has had someone tell him how dare he ''steal one of their strong black women.''

Our respective families have no issues whatsoever. After about 6-7 months of dating, I met his parents, and that side of me that is always prepared to defend myself was expecting them not to have the best reaction to me, being an Irish-Catholic family. All for nothing because his family loves me. For the past 2 years his mom and sister have been asking him ''so when are you going to ask...?''

I have Irish and Native American decendants, but you can''t see it in me. You can see it in other relatives of mine. But around the streets of Boston, people see us as a black/white couple and we''re made very aware of it. So it''s not a problem for us at all, just others.

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 1/19/2006 12:57:58 PM
Author: CdnBlingGalHe eats with chopsticks without even thinking. He''s even better at it, then some of the nephews who are 100% Chinese.

Haha, my fiance''s family has a discussion ALMOST EVERY TIME we have dinner with them about how much better at using chopsticks I am than my fiance and his brother!!!

My fiance actually gets really defensive about it because he says he learned to use them "organically" whereas I was taught the proper way to hold them etc (but when I was like 5). Oh well, I''m still proud!

 

[lisaC]

My mom is white and my dad is chinese. My mom lived in the northeast of England and in the 60''s you would be hard pressed to see someone who wasn''t white up there. My father had a summer job working at the same hospital as my mother which is how they eventually met. My father was totally accepted by my mother''s family and because her father was such a well liked man in his community he had no problems. It was a different story once they returned to the West Indies. My paternal grandmother was disappointed that my father had not gone through with the arranged marriage she had in mind and horrors married a white woman. The language thing was definitely a huge obstacle but really my grandmother has never accepted my mother. Of course when the first grandson came along it was okay as he was pretty fair- my sister who is elder, is alas a darker hue, so even I, as the 3rd born rated higher as I looked so completely chinese. Culturally I have to say we grew up feeling more trinidadian than anything else. And after more than 20 years living there my mother does not sound like her sisters. When she returned to England I am sure her unusual surname did make people do a double take.

I married a filipino but he is totally americanised with no accent. I guess you could say because of the Spanish influence in both countries we actually have a bit in common. His family do converse in tagalog when we''re all together so I understand how my mother must have felt travelling so very far away from her family and not really being a part of his. His mother always tells me of the german lady who picked up the lingo and spoke like a native

I guess the only bit of culture that has passed down is the food that we eat- filipino, chinese, trinidadian and english. Couple that with living in California and really there is nothing we won''t eat!
My husband really liked that I was just asian enough. I think most people would assume I am filipina when we are together until I open my mouth.
Lisa

 

[hilbake]

I''m american and my boyfriend is Belgian. We met 8 years ago when he was a foreign exchange student in my class senior year of high school.
From the beginning, both our parents were really supportive of the relationship, even though it was long-distance. My parents loved my BF almost immediately. I, on the other hand, had some problems with the language barrier when talking to his parents. I still do, to a degree, and although I think they like me, I don''t think that they really "know" me like I am when I''m speaking English (and this is kind of my fault- I''m very shy when speaking french. I tend not to say too much).
As far as cultural differences go, the language barrier was the number one issue. After that, it was little things, like the way that Belgians (and the French) kiss each other when saying hello & goodbye. In the beginning, I felt very uncomfortable doing this, especially with people I didn''t know. Now I am used to it, but I still don''t like being the last couple to arrive at a dinner party, when you have to make the rounds kissing and saying hello. I always just follow behind my BF to make sure I get to everybody.
And there are some things that I miss being away from the US, like the holidays. Thanksgiving is my favorite, so last year I made a Thanksgiving dinner. We invited BF''s mom and grandmother to join us, but it wasn''t the same because it didn''t mean anything to them. It just felt like another dinner. Oh well. Last time I went home to visit, my mom made a turkey dinner and the whole family came, so it was kind of like a second Thanksgiving.
As far as other people are concerned, whenever they hear about our story, I usually get a lot of questions, and people seem generally interested.
When we get married, I''d like to take his name. A hyphenated last name would be too long, and my current last name is already carried on by my nephews, so I don''t see the need to keep it.

 

[Mimikins24]

My BF is Vietnamese and I am caucasian (mixed Scottish, Romanian, Italian, and Swedish in that order!). Growing up a lot of my friends were Filipino, so I have always been around Asian cultures and found them facinating, especially for someone who doesn''t really have a strong traditional ethnic background.

I met my BF through a mutual friend I was in first year university classes with. She is also Vietnamese and continues to be one of my best friends. Even stranger her cousin marrried my BF''s older sister, so I always get to be related to her (even if in a very sideways fashion). My BF and I were introduced by my friend in the summer of 1999 and we all hung out together with a group of mutual friends.

We didn''t start dating until fall of 2001 and his parents were not too pleased at the time. They had met me and my ex before and were not very impressed with my judgement (in men) --- with good reason. Once they got over the fact that I had picked losers in the past, but I myself was not a loser, things did improve. They also would have preferred my BF to end up with a traditional Vietnamese girl, but my BF has never dated a girl who was not caucasian (most of the kids he grew up with were caucasion) and has told them repeatedly that in general he is not attracted to Asian girls (just his preference I guess). There is also a language barrier, but we are managing!!! My family has always adored my BF. In fact when I was dating my ex, my dad asked me why I didn''t dump him and get together with my current BF. Thankfully, my dad has never said I told you so!!!

After nearly 4.5 years of dating and 1 year of living together, they have accepted me as their son''s partner and hopefully will accept me as their DIL in a couple of years. His mom was a bit harder to convince, but she is the more headstrong parent in everything. They realize that my BF and I love each other and we are both working very hard to make a life for ourselves. I am in law school which is a very desireable career in their eyes (in fact they wanted their oldest daughter to become a lawyer, but she didn''t). We did have a bit of a problem when my BF told his parents that he did not want to become an optometrist (as they wanted), but instead wanted to move with me when I started law school and become an accountant. Eventually, they have come to accept that as well, but not without work.

I feel lucky that I get a wonderful human being and get to inherit interesting traditions as well. In general, I am just interested in other cultures (of my 4 best girlfriends 2 are caucasion, 1 is Vietnemse, and 1 is Canadian First Nations). I hope I can embrace diversity in everything I do (living in Canada, I am so greatful that I am in a position to this). Occasionally we get a weird look from some people, but I just think it''s unfortunate that they have limited their lives with their prejudice. Thanks for listening to my lengthy rant!!!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I''m an Asian married to a white man. But, I''m adopted, so I have an Asian face with an Italian last name. People sometimes ask about it, which personally, I find extremely rude. However, I know that most mean no harm. When I got married, I kept my middle name and my maiden name, and just tacked his on, a la Hillary Rodham Clinton- no hyphen. I figure that way I can drop either my name or his when convenient (I also dreamed recently that my husband did something that made me really mad, so I told him I was booting his last name and keeping just mine

).

However, due to being adopted and raised as Italian and Polish, I do not really consider myself to be Korean or Asian. I don''t know any Asian/Korean customs, but I do know a lot of Italian and Polish ones. My boyfriend is a good old American mix- I think he''s Scotch, Irish, and Native American, and his family doesn''t have any customs. This Christmas was our first together with my family, and they totally cornered him with the oplatek and Wigilia traditions. We also have religious differences- I''m a practicing Catholic, and he''s a non-practicing nominal Baptist. He knew more Jews growing up than Catholics!

I''ve often wondered how his family views me, but then again, one of his brothers'' wives is from Peru, and they''ve lived in Germany and Japan.

I like seeing interracial/inter-cultural relationships.

 

[SoonIHope]

First - I just want to say how much I''m enjoying this thread too! Thanks everyone for sharing your stories!

Next, I want to add my part on two new issues which have come up!

As for people treating me/us differently because of it - the only person who has ever said anything is my best friend''s mother, who has repeatedly asked her, "wouldn''t they be happier with someone more like themselves??" She has never had the nerve to say anything to my face though, and is very nice to us in person. She also tells my best friend that she really likes both me and my fiance and thinks we''re great - we''d just be better off if we found partners more like ourselves.

But, I do go to Chinatown and Flushing (in Queens, which has a huge Asian population) with my fiance and his family a lot, where I am literally the only non-Asian we see for hours on end. I like to play the "spot white people" game sometimes, and will be like "OOH LOOK THERE''S ONE!!" but I don''t actually care; I just find it vaguely amusing.

People sort of look at me a bit when they see that I''m obviously with this big Chinese family, but not in a critical way.

The other thing that''s funny is that I''m the only vegetarian in the group at all these gatherings (also at weddings etc sometimes), and the waiters just KNOW that the one white girl in the huge banquet hall is the vegetarian and bring the food right to me. Hehe. Oh well!

Oh and the other question that was asked was how you met - we met through my best friend from college, who was friends with him in high school. Weird thing is, I''m now friends with like EVERYONE who went to their high school, even though I went to high school 5 states away!

 

[rainbowtrout]

My family is Scientologist one one side and Bhuddist on the other (I am niether)

The boyfriend''s family are pretty heavily German Jewish, the grandparents fled Hitler, etc etc.

So...yeah. I''ve found there is a lot of adjusting to be done, although since I have no real traditions or religions of my own it has been MUCH easier. I did study Biblical Hebrew in college for two years as well as Israeli literature, partly bc I am interested in MidEast Studies but partially bc I felt that since we had agreed to bring the children up Jewish someone should know the language in and out (he knows a little bit).

I have enjoyed acquiring new traditions and learning the new language, new food--etc. The only part I have not enjoyed is being shunned by a lot of Jewish people when they find I am not converting before we get married. In my view, we can raise the children Jewish and they can convert before going through their bar or bat mitzvah--there is no real reason for me to be jewish just so they can be Jewish by default. I feel this way it will have more meaning for them, like Confirmation for some Christians. Since there is such a large Jewish community at my school my boyfriend does take some crap for planning to marry outside the faith; he pretty much lets it roll off his skin.
His family also doesn''t approve of my non-Jewishness, but they are slowly improving. We are putting out feelers to find a rabbi who will marry us in his hometown.

I do wonder sometimes if I should convert bc a large part of the Jewish culture is conserving that culture. Since I will basically be part of the faith in everyday life and raise the children that way, should I just convert? On the other hand, I don''t believe in the God as outlined in the Hebrew Bible. So I feel as if it would be dishonest--although there are plenty of "cultural" Jews, one sort of has to be born into the faith to get the ability to call oneself Jewish and not believe in God (or G-d, right?)

 

[rainbowtrout]

oh, I forgot.

Our single biggest issue is whether or not he can deal with me celebrating Christmas every year...


He has very big issues with the holiday, partly from growing up Jewish in Alabama. I was always raised with it as a secular family holiday, but it still hurts not to to anything on Dec 25. I''ve talked him into a tree but he still feels resentful about the whole idea of Christmas in his home. I said that if I was basically doing every single Jewish holiday, fasting at Pesach, then what was a christmas tree and a secular holiday with perhaps a brunch and one gift?

We''ll see, I am sure after a few years we will blend the holiday tradition into something that works for us.

 

[lmurden]

Ok, my turn. If you didn't know already I am Black/Nondenominational Christian and my fiancé is White/Jewish. The race or religion thing isn’t an issue for either of us, but I'm sure it's an issue for some people. As far as religion goes, we are both secular so there isn’t any problem in that department. When it comes to race it's not a problem, because we have so much in common that no one could even image. Our family and friends haven’t been a problem, but I think that his family was a little surprised because they are from New England and there isn’t a lot of mixed couples or diversity as far as race, class, occupation, and etc. Now and then we get stares but nothing derogatory to our faces. We live in the DC Metro Area so I think that makes a big difference compared to some far out parts of Maryland or down in Virginia. My fiancé says that what he notices some Black guys checking me out but that's it. Bottom line no one says anything to us, but who really knows what people say behind your back.

 

[Hest88]

You know, interestingly enough our differing religious backgrounds make it easier. I was raised Taoist and Buddhist, so I have no baggage around Christianity. It all seems interesting to me and I can''t get worked up over some of the issues that drive him crazy. On his end, he finds my family''s religious rituals fascinating and exotic, so he never has to be dragged to temple ceremonies.

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 1/19/2006 3:44:37 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
oh, I forgot.

Our single biggest issue is whether or not he can deal with me celebrating Christmas every year...


He has very big issues with the holiday, partly from growing up Jewish in Alabama. I was always raised with it as a secular family holiday, but it still hurts not to to anything on Dec 25. I''ve talked him into a tree but he still feels resentful about the whole idea of Christmas in his home. I said that if I was basically doing every single Jewish holiday, fasting at Pesach, then what was a christmas tree and a secular holiday with perhaps a brunch and one gift?

We''ll see, I am sure after a few years we will blend the holiday tradition into something that works for us.

FYI -- you don''t fast at Pesach.

That''s when don''t eat levened bread and have a huge feast!

I am Jewish and my bf is half, but doesn''t really relate to any religion. I personally would be extremely upset if we had a Christmas Tree. The way I feel is that if you walk outside, it''s Christmas, Christmas, Christmas (which is very nice, don''t get me wrong), so my house should reflect my religion. No tree. No Chanukkah bush.

You might want to got to a synagogue and see a Rabbi about converting, even if you''re not going to do it. He/she might have some interesting things to say.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Date: 1/19/2006 3:41:41 PM
Author: rainbowtrout

I do wonder sometimes if I should convert bc a large part of the Jewish culture is conserving that culture. Since I will basically be part of the faith in everyday life and raise the children that way, should I just convert? On the other hand, I don''t believe in the God as outlined in the Hebrew Bible. So I feel as if it would be dishonest--although there are plenty of ''cultural'' Jews, one sort of has to be born into the faith to get the ability to call oneself Jewish and not believe in God (or G-d, right?)

What does your boyfriend think about you converting? As I said in my post, I''m a practicing Catholic, and my husband is only nominally Baptist. He was only in a church a handful of times growing up. We go to Mass weekly and will raise our children Catholic, but I have never and will never ask him to convert. It''s a really personal thing, but if you feel like converting would be dishonest, I wouldn''t do it. Maybe studying the whole faith would be beneficial?

 

[lmurden]

Date: 1/19/2006 3:58:10 PM
Author: AmandaPanda

Date: 1/19/2006 3:44:37 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
oh, I forgot.

Our single biggest issue is whether or not he can deal with me celebrating Christmas every year...


He has very big issues with the holiday, partly from growing up Jewish in Alabama. I was always raised with it as a secular family holiday, but it still hurts not to to anything on Dec 25. I''ve talked him into a tree but he still feels resentful about the whole idea of Christmas in his home. I said that if I was basically doing every single Jewish holiday, fasting at Pesach, then what was a christmas tree and a secular holiday with perhaps a brunch and one gift?

We''ll see, I am sure after a few years we will blend the holiday tradition into something that works for us.

FYI -- you don''t fast at Pesach.

That''s when don''t eat levened bread and have a huge feast!

I am Jewish and my bf is half, but doesn''t really relate to any religion. I personally would be extremely upset if we had a Christmas Tree. The way I feel is that if you walk outside, it''s Christmas, Christmas, Christmas (which is very nice, don''t get me wrong), so my house should reflect my religion. No tree. No Chanukkah bush.

You might want to got to a synagogue and see a Rabbi about converting, even if you''re not going to do it. He/she might have some interesting things to say.

Why should she convert? What''s wrong with her the way she is? She has already made a compromise by agreeing to raise the kids Jewish so what more do you want?

 

[rainbowtrout]

He has never and I think will never ask that of me. In fact, he didn''t ask me to share his traditions, it was something I did on my own because I enjoy the togetherness and tradition.

I have studied the faith a fair amt, and if I ever do seriously think about converting I will do so in a lot more depth. One of my absolute favorite things about Judaism is its insistence on informed knowledge about the faith, even if some people do not keep that ideal.

 

[rainbowtrout]

Date: 1/19/2006 3:58:10 PM
Author: AmandaPanda

Date: 1/19/2006 3:44:37 PM



FYI -- you don't fast at Pesach.

That's when don't eat levened bread and have a huge feast!

I am Jewish and my bf is half, but doesn't really relate to any religion. I personally would be extremely upset if we had a Christmas Tree. The way I feel is that if you walk outside, it's Christmas, Christmas, Christmas (which is very nice, don't get me wrong), so my house should reflect my religion. No tree. No Chanukkah bush.

You might want to got to a synagogue and see a Rabbi about converting, even if you're not going to do it. He/she might have some interesting things to say.

Yo. I know you don't *fast* at Pesach, but we call it fasting in his family bc of the no bread. I have actually been doing this stuff for about a decade.

I'm not even going to get into the Tree Debate with ya! I do that every year with the boy. Personally I understand both sides of the issue, but I still want my tree, HaShem be damned.

 

[sunkist]

I wish I had time to respond here now, unfortunately I have to work, so maybe later. But Albi when I read your posts in this thread it sounds almost exactly like my story!!

Now I''m curious about another question. My BF is Chinese, with of course dark coloring, and I am white, with blond curly hair and blue eyes. I am so curious as to what our children will look like!! Whenever I see Asian/White couples I stare at their kids and try to get peaks of their babies!

Does anyone else w/o kids, or even before you had kids, do this??

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Date: 1/19/2006 4:09:25 PM
Author: sunkist
I wish I had time to respond here now, unfortunately I have to work, so maybe later. But Albi when I read your posts in this thread it sounds almost exactly like my story!!

Now I''m curious about another question. My BF is Chinese, with of course dark coloring, and I am white, with blond curly hair and blue eyes. I am so curious as to what our children will look like!! Whenever I see Asian/White couples I stare at their kids and try to get peaks of their babies!

Does anyone else w/o kids, or even before you had kids, do this??

My husband and I do this ALL the time!

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 1/19/2006 4:04:20 PM
Author: lmurden

Date: 1/19/2006 3:58:10 PM
Author: AmandaPanda

Date: 1/19/2006 3:44:37 PM
Author: rainbowtrout
oh, I forgot.

Our single biggest issue is whether or not he can deal with me celebrating Christmas every year...


He has very big issues with the holiday, partly from growing up Jewish in Alabama. I was always raised with it as a secular family holiday, but it still hurts not to to anything on Dec 25. I''ve talked him into a tree but he still feels resentful about the whole idea of Christmas in his home. I said that if I was basically doing every single Jewish holiday, fasting at Pesach, then what was a christmas tree and a secular holiday with perhaps a brunch and one gift?

We''ll see, I am sure after a few years we will blend the holiday tradition into something that works for us.

FYI -- you don''t fast at Pesach.

That''s when don''t eat levened bread and have a huge feast!

I am Jewish and my bf is half, but doesn''t really relate to any religion. I personally would be extremely upset if we had a Christmas Tree. The way I feel is that if you walk outside, it''s Christmas, Christmas, Christmas (which is very nice, don''t get me wrong), so my house should reflect my religion. No tree. No Chanukkah bush.

You might want to got to a synagogue and see a Rabbi about converting, even if you''re not going to do it. He/she might have some interesting things to say.

Why should she convert? What''s wrong with her the way she is? She has already made a compromise by agreeing to raise the kids Jewish so what more do you want?

Whoa there! You are taking what I said wrong...

Rainbow said she was thinking about converting, so I just suggested that she talk to a Rabbi about it. I''m not saying she should.