Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

I'm a widow

I want to tell you everything will be fine, and you'll get through it all. I believe you will, but I also know that the grieving part doesn't necessarily end, it just lessens over time. Then it comes on and throat punches you every now and then for probably forever. I'm like that anyway. But no matter what, life goes on, and it seems cruel and unfair and you can't change it. One day at a time. Good days and bad days. Eventually good days win out in quantity. Take care.
 
Hugs to you PB. I don't know what else to say.
 
Hoping you've had a good day.
Hugs to you and your sweet furbabies.
:wavey:
 
So, I teach Middle Schoolers....and we're finishing up Chemistry....with Chemistry Jokes:

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are dating? OMg

Its going better than Oxygen and Potassium: OK :lol:

Hope you day is going better Pinto :kiss2:
 
I had a "courtesy" interview last Thursday and it was a bomb. One guy no showed, one guy late, third guy not sure who's supposed to be there or not. Me stammering and stuttering. Pregnant pauses. The first interview went really well Bc the HR lady was a real pro and organized etc. I'm still laughing and smiling and making jokes but I really want to reach down my throat and literally gut punch myself from the inside out to distract from the feelings of shame and embarrassment and failure.

My therapist was saying that it's my nature to be good. Being good sucks. I heard there's a trailer park within 20 mins of me (it's been 13 years since I first got wind of this and I still haven't found it...). Can't I go there and see if there's a meth lab in a trailer a la Breaking Bad? Maybe it will be run by my former Chem teacher...

Well I DID rebel and snatch up dingle dangles I saw on IG from @athenaworth post craptastic interview. They are rose gold dingle dangles and will look really pretty with my rose gold suite.

Woo hoo it's 4:20. Ok it doesn't mean anything to my lifestyle but I can pretend that it does. :whistle: Trying to be bad lolll
 
PB...dont be so hard on yourself (re phone interview). Not your fault they didnt have everyone/thing ready to go at the start of the meeting. They are
the ones who should feel embarrassed, not you.

Its ok to be "bad" and splurge a little...not ok to cruise trailer parks looking for your old chem teacher!:lol: STAY OUT OF TRAILER PARKS!:D
 
Yes to everything @tyty333 said!

By the way, you're a wonderful person!
"good"? Yes. You're a very good person.
And there's definitely a mischievous spirit flowing through your veins. That's not a bad thing. :mrgreen2:

Regarding the interview, don't get your knickers in a knot (to borrow an expression from one of my friend's).
Down the road, you'll see that this is not a big deal. In fact, I can guarantee that it won't even make the local news tonight. ;)2

Now, bundle up and go for a walk.
 
I put on my "budgie/beanis smuggler" and called one of the partners I used to work with who's since started his own firm. I told him I'd like temp or part time work. I'm ok with whatever rate. My goal is to get back into the swing of things.

A quick chat with @Jimmianne about random stuff spurred me into action lolol. I was worried that I'd have to swallow my pride and that it'd be a hard call to make. It wasn't. I remembered that he had always been kind and intelligent and a joy to work with. I reminded myself that off and on through the years he had reached out to me to see if I had the bandwidth to take on some overflow.

He's going to have a partners meeting soon and Will get back to me after Easter.
 
PintoBean said:
I put on my "budgie/beanis smuggler" and called one of the partners I used to work with who's since started his own firm. I told him I'd like temp or part time work. I'm ok with whatever rate. My goal is to get back into the swing of things.

A quick chat with @Jimmianne about random stuff spurred me into action lolol. I was worried that I'd have to swallow my pride and that it'd be a hard call to make. It wasn't. I remembered that he had always been kind and intelligent and a joy to work with. I reminded myself that off and on through the years he had reached out to me to see if I had the bandwidth to take on some overflow.

He's going to have a partners meeting soon and Will get back to me after Easter.
Click to expand...

That is great! Just getting back to it would be awesome for you. I'm sure they will be very glad to have you working on the team!
 
I think this is such a beautiful widow appropriate song:
 
PintoBean said:
I put on my "budgie/beanis smuggler" and called one of the partners I used to work with who's since started his own firm. I told him I'd like temp or part time work. I'm ok with whatever rate. My goal is to get back into the swing of things.

A quick chat with @Jimmianne about random stuff spurred me into action lolol. I was worried that I'd have to swallow my pride and that it'd be a hard call to make. It wasn't. I remembered that he had always been kind and intelligent and a joy to work with. I reminded myself that off and on through the years he had reached out to me to see if I had the bandwidth to take on some overflow.

He's going to have a partners meeting soon and Will get back to me after Easter.
Click to expand...
Best of luck to you PB! But please don't sell yourself short! You are well educated, extremely intelligent, and more than capable. If you work for them, they need to pay you what you DESERVE!
 
I don't know if I'm gonna laugh or cry or spew expletives. I was just told me that an award was set up in Michael's name and nominations are being taken now through April. My friend asked HR to share with me on Tuesday. Of course they didn't. It would have been nice if they had. Wtf?:angryfire: I'm disappointed that they continue to conduct themselves as they do, expectedly.

My friends who led the prior HR team - the former CPO and HR manager, drafted an email for me to send the CEO. They, not the current HR team, pulled strings to get me processed and helped ASAP. They pointed out that the current HR has consistently not supported me or his memory from the late call from HR when it happened to now.

"it has come to my attention from my former colleagues that COMPANY has set up an award in my late husband's name and are already accepting nominations. I am disappointed I was not told formally about this award, or allowed to be involved in the award. I would appreciate you sending the details to me so I can be sure the award appropriately and accurately reflects his legacy."
 
@PintoBean (hugs)
And I wish you were a programmer.
 
PintoBean said:
One of my biggest fears is that no one would notice if something happened to me. One of my neighbors notices if I'm MIA for a week. My poor cats... I thought that this was something I didn't have to be scared of until I was much older.

The only person that called me throughout the day was my husband. After he passed, I noticed that his coworker's started messaging me on FB 2 hours after his start time when he failed to show. I don't have colleagues and I have strange sleeping hours so it would take a long time for anyone to notice... it's not a good feeling.

If I dropped dead at home my cats would definitely eat me. I'm very tender and well marbled.
Click to expand...

You are such a dear, and so funny, I just adore you. Believe me sweetie, you are doing SO MUCH better than I was when my first husband left me abruptly. I *know* that Michael didn't leave you leave you, but yeah it still kinda' falls into the category of leaving you so......

I dearly wish I could find the time to volunteer at the NSAL. I would just love to be around the puppies and dogs two or three half days a week contributing to their care in any way that I can. Even though we have three of our own and they're a full time job, I'd love to do it for furkids in need.

You are really doing very well. You have to believe that. Even though I was working when he left, I don't think I felt up to doing anything social for a few years. Other than work, I stayed a hermit for quite a long time and it didn't bother me. It occasionally bugged family and friends but not me.
 
PintoBean said:
I don't know if I'm gonna laugh or cry or spew expletives. I was just told me that an award was set up in Michael's name and nominations are being taken now through April. My friend asked HR to share with me on Tuesday. Of course they didn't. It would have been nice if they had. Wtf?:angryfire: I'm disappointed that they continue to conduct themselves as they do, expectedly.
Click to expand...
Oh PB, I'm so sorry what you have more of this b-llshit to deal with. Can the company legally do this without your permission? At the end of the day, you cannot control how those around you behave and you are the one suffering by letting it get to you. My bbf always tells me that when things are truly out of your control, take a deep breath, pretend you're Elsa and sing in your head (or out loud) "Let it goooo, let it gooo..."
 
@PintoBean How are you doing recently? I'm still pretty new to PS so you might not have seen me around but I read this whole thread (yes all 68 pages of it!) and wanted to send you a big virtual hug and check in on how you've been holding up. I'm between jobs at the moment too and I feel the frustration. Hope you're ok and hanging in there this past week!:wavey:
 
angeljosephy said:
@PintoBean How are you doing recently? I'm still pretty new to PS so you might not have seen me around but I read this whole thread (yes all 68 pages of it!) and wanted to send you a big virtual hug and check in on how you've been holding up. I'm between jobs at the moment too and I feel the frustration. Hope you're ok and hanging in there this past week!:wavey:
Click to expand...
Wow!:shock: I had a very very difficult weekend between what was going on with the former employer and not having an easter event for the first time in years. I saw that a man that was on an MTV show almost 20 years ago recently passed away. I was shocked by the fact that 1999 is almost 20 years ago now... this led to me talking to a friend today about feeling like I've accomplished nothing in 20 years. Feeling like 20 years ago I felt alone and without support and here I am no further along, alone again with no support. I thought about commenting on here but I was embarrassed to bc I felt like I should be BETTER. I chatted a bit online via text and sent funny emojis and cracked jokes. I don't want my virtual friends to find my burdensome bc they'll eventually have enough of me. It's 3AM and I decide to click back over to PS and I see an alert that you've posted on this thread. And I'm tearing up right now bc here you are an :saint:. Of all PSers to just show up right now, @angeljosephy. You're literally an ANGEL!

 
PintoBean said:
Wow!:shock: I had a very very difficult weekend between what was going on with the former employer and not having an easter event for the first time in years. I saw that a man that was on an MTV show almost 20 years ago recently passed away. I was shocked by the fact that 1999 is almost 20 years ago now... this led to me talking to a friend today about feeling like I've accomplished nothing in 20 years. Feeling like 20 years ago I felt alone and without support and here I am no further along, alone again with no support. I thought about commenting on here but I was embarrassed to bc I felt like I should be BETTER. I chatted a bit online via text and sent funny emojis and cracked jokes. I don't want my virtual friends to find my burdensome bc they'll eventually have enough of me. It's 3AM and I decide to click back over to PS and I see an alert that you've posted on this thread. And I'm tearing up right now bc here you are an :saint:. Of all PSers to just show up right now, @angeljosephy. You're literally an ANGEL!

Click to expand...

Awwwww @PintoBean your comment is so sweet it brought a big goofy smile to my face! The reason I plucked up the courage to leave a comment when I haven't done so before was precisely because I saw that you haven't updated us about your situation in a few days. Knowing that it was Easter, I was a bit worried that you felt lonely especially since your family might not have been very supportive (or even around).:cry2:

For what it's worth, no one can be expected to just snap back from the loss of a spouse or a family member. From my experience, even the best of friends just eventually faded out as they went on with their lives, and my DH became my sole confidant. I can only imagine how horrible it must feel, suddenly to have no one to talk to and no one who truly understands. Considering the extra struggles you have had to face with the job situation and whatnot, I would say you're holding up pretty well!

Sorry about the long ramble, but I guess what I really want to say is WE'RE HERE FOR YOU!=D I live in Hong Kong and it's only 3pm in the afternoon here, so I'm always up for a chat!:kiss2:
 
  1. One of my biggest fears is opening my life to another addict. What's a sneaky way to vet one? Heyyy let's do a week long sweat lodge in the Mohave desert! I mean, I've laid my eyes on some delicious men and been like YOU ARE MINE and they're total princes then you slowly but surely notice something's not right, whether it's weeks, months or years later. It gnaws at me...
  2. I see others celebrating milestone with their partners and I feel robbed. There's anniversaries - I mean sheesh couldn't the accident have happened 4 months later so we could have celebrated our 5 year? :confused2: And children - We always waffled when it came to children and now that my husband is gone, I'm like damn I'm out of time!
  3. Grieving is bullshit. Emotions should come with a wireless universal remote, period. There should also be a sleep mode.
  4. Every other week I waffle over giving away my material things. They don't make me happy. My diamonds in particular. How my husband would, in a drunken rage, yell about all the diamonds I purchased (which he okayed when sober), yell at me for making more money than him lying in bed (I'm not a prostitute but I play one on tv - no really I was a remote employee with a laptop in tech as in computers, not making xxx videos with my laptop...), how I had the bed covered in a laptop, two phones, 2 tablets, etc.. so without stuff, I could keep it to bare minimum and eat cat food with my cats forever. The kibble looks like it'd crack my fillings but the wet should be fine. I don't need anything else.
 
Hi PB
I'm here and I'm listening,
I hate knowing that you are in a rough place, I see where you are and understand the darkness and anger, and I want you to know that I stand with you while you go through this.
Someday it will be much better. This grieving sucks.
The way you write proves you are doing a hell of a job processing it.
Love and hugs
 
You don't need a man to have a child. You only need the key ingredient. Seriously, if you want to go that route, do it. My daughter has talked about it when she didn't have a SO. I'm fully supportive. Freeze your eggs if you want. Or don't. You can troubleshoot the issues one at a time and make a plan. I'm a realist and a back-up plan person.
 
1. My family is full of addicts. You can weed some of that sort out by hanging out with them and getting to know them. Cook dinner in their home. See what they have around. (remember though that some of us have wine refrigerators and half a dozen bottles of brandy because we cook with brandy on occasion and like to take just a sip so a bottle will last forever) When you know them well, head on off to camping or vacationing somewhere -- go to a quilt show or whatever suits you -- and see what they do when they are just relaxing and having fun for a long weekend or more. No, it won't keep them all away, but it will give you a good indication.

2. There is never a good time to lose a loved one. Ever. I'm sorry you didn't get to have your 5 year with him. That was just one more injury in this whole rotten thing.
You are NOT too late for kids. You can have them la ter with someone or adopt on your own or even pick the perfect man from a book and use what you need. You can do whatever feels right for you and you are young enough to not have to make any decisions until you know what YOU want.

3. Got that right! The dang things like to come out of nowhere and hang around when they aren't welcome.

4. Can you put them away for a year and see how you feel then? I don't want to see you regret getting rid of them, but I also understand how sometimes the emotions from the memories they bring up can just be too much. Would you be happier selling them and getting something new? Or using the money to take a spectacular vacation so you can buy new sparklies without the connection to the old? Make a list and see what feels right to you.


There is NO "right" way to grieve. Anything you feel is okay. For you, it is not just grieving the loss of him but also the loss of getting the pre-alcoholism him back. Those are both painful things to deal with and you got hit with both at the same time.
 
Hi PB. I’ve been following your thread and keeping you in my thoughts. Lots of positive vibes and chocolate wishes have come your way over the months. I lost my mom in 2012. She was an addict. So much of what you say resonates with me.

I saw this tonight and you instantly came to mind. I mean this as a good thing! :D

Lots of love. xoxo

E039D30E-ACF1-4FE6-A8A9-9B8C0F11EB2F.png
 
GCGDanielle said:
Hi PB. I’ve been following your thread and keeping you in my thoughts. Lots of positive vibes and chocolate wishes have come your way over the months. I lost my mom in 2012. She was an addict. So much of what you say resonates with me.

I saw this tonight and you instantly came to mind. I mean this as a good thing! :D

Lots of love. xoxo

E039D30E-ACF1-4FE6-A8A9-9B8C0F11EB2F.png
Click to expand...
If you only knew how much I needed this right now :saint:... I was trimming my toe nails with the grace and agility of a discombobulated swan when I started thinking about my husband. He could never trim his finger and toe nails into clean shapes and lines. Part of it was that he was a dude and the other part was his psoriasis. Since he fell asleep usually before me, I'd check then attack his nails every week or so. Then I'd check behind his ears to see how bad his psoriasis patches were there and apply steroid cream. Then I'd check his ear tips and his nose to make sure he wasn't growing hairs like his cat babies and pluck them for him. Those were some of the ways I showed love. Queue the cry sesh that happened...;(

Whenever I did laundry, I'd tug on the elastic of his underwear to see if they needed replacing when I folded the freshly dried load. I'd buy and put into rotate his shoes annually. The work pair became the home pair after a year and the home pair went to donation after a year.

For the first few years he'd spend 40 minutes each weekend cooking me an omelette with onions, eggplant, spinach, tomatoes and feta between two slices of thick Korean toast, cut in half diagonally. From there we shifted to egg sandwiches and bagels to go. He always served me every meal when we ate at home in bed or in the living room. He'd stand in the doorway to see if I'd do the happy baby penguin dance - when something was super delicious I'd laugh in delight and sway side to side in my seat and repeat "mmmm so good" or some silly phrase like that repeatedly and sometimes I'd make flapping motions.

Sometimes when I'd have a bout of depression for a few days he'd run to the deli before going to work to get me an egg sandwich and iced coffee. It was his attempt at making me feel better and giving me a treat on a week day and an I'm sorry for needing to dash off to work thing.

The past few weeks have been hard. It's been pretty awful still exchanging emails STILL with his (and my) former employer... It's definitely been stressing me out bc I've been having nightmares that make sharknado look like nonfiction. Let's see, one dream Jordy was recruiting me into a gang of older men like the Sopranos who wanted to groom me to run the prostitutes. That's just one snippet of one dream. Another dream my druggy friend S was (surprise) pregnant with 4 baby girls and 7 mos along but not showing like crazy bc of her drug abuse and all 4 babies were going to be born disabled. I can't remember much as it's fading from my memory but I wake up exhausted.

Who's gonna hold my flipper when I cross the street?:confused:
 
Those are great memories to have. You put me to shame as a wife and a partner, geez. You are such a treasure.
 
PintoBean said:
Who's gonna hold my flipper when I cross the street?:confused:
Click to expand...

No penguin gets left behind here PB -- We are ALL gonna cross with you!

penguins1SWNS_468x312.jpg
 
@PintoBean I HAVE been out of the loop. I hate to see how you are struggling.... I have nothing profound to say but just want to give you a virtual hug and say I'm sorry for your pain...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
GET 3 FREE HCA RESULTS JOIN THE FORUM. ASK FOR HELP
Jewelry Blog
PriceScope-Concierge-Ad
Find prime cuts.
Top