I'm a widow

[PintoBean]

I'm wicked, next time I'd tell him he should go for these;

Ooo did you notice they say "cat" across the tongue! I may need a pair

 

[lyra]

Your dad buys women's boots. That there gave me a big smile today. No judgement, it's just a fun fact.

 

[valeria101]

.

Nice to hear your cool & technical ... account of meeting father; two, three !? such / decade might not kill me


Very nice to hear about your good health !

 

[PintoBean]

Oy... I slept all day. I'm just stuck in my head. My hormones are making my depression worse than usual. My lot of money is finite, I know. If I stop buying diamonds I can live a few more years off it .

I tried looking at Microsoft yesterday for job postings and I just got so overwhelmed.

I told my therapist a few weeks back that people often suggest I move. She said what for? Wherever you go your mind is still with you. It's true.

I'm angry that I didn't get a response to the request for interview update I sent last week. I resent having to architect a new life and being smart about it. Creating these boundaries and cutting the fat really hurts right now. It would be so much easier if I could just be like my local peers and spend time doing nothing but hang out on the boats, figure out how to mooch the system financially, yet have enough money to do drugs. I don't even know what kind of drugs they do bc people skirt the topic around me. Idk ...why do I always have to be this goody goody conservative priss? Where has that gotten me? I cut the fat and it's just me alone. I can't even bear to be around my neighbor J this week bc she's been high the few times I've been with her.

Just one more thing... taxes then I'm hopefully truly done with Michael's administration.

 

[arkieb1]

I'm not sure I agree with your therapist, sure your mind is always with you but sometimes a change of scenery is refreshing....

 

[lyra]

Hearing about your peers makes me want to suggest you definitely move! But admittedly, I'm one of those weirdos who loves to move and change house. I love clean slates. I'm not close/don't have any family so it's not so bad. But of course, try not to do anything you'd deeply regret. Maybe if you could identify your "dream job" and stipulate to yourself that it could be someplace other than where you live, and that you could always move back, that might be something to consider. I'm sure your therapist is correct that you can't run away, but the wanderer in me says you could find a more ideal place somewhere else. Just a thought.

 

[december-fire]

Not sure what the objective is re moving?
Some people move for increased career/employment opportunities.
What matters is what would be your motivation for moving - if you actually are thinking of moving.
If its for a change or a fresh start, maybe try something less demanding; join a group, take a course, get out with 'mall walkers' if you have a mall nearby (not shopping - they walk for exercise, and there's a social component).
Has your therapist made suggestions? No need to share specifics, of course.

Thinking you might benefit from expanding your social network, and changing up your routine.

 

[monarch64]

Have you ever thought about air bnb-ing your house? It’s a great way to meet interesting folks. My girlfriend does it and not only does she make EXCELLENT money (think near $2k on a busy weekend) she meets really fun people. I know it’s kind of an out there suggestion but you’d make such a cool hostess, and the extra income couldn’t hurt.

 

[PintoBean]

I found out last week that I didn't get the job.

Disappointments are a new thing I am working on getting over by myself. No one to console me or to lend a shoulder to cry on. I grew up without that support from my parents but my husband had a nurturing nature. Once you get a taste of it, you want it. Touches that heal not hurt.

I hate those days that sneak into nights where I'd love a hug and a kiss before bed. I'm a large teddy bear size at 5'1.25" if someone wants to come over and snuggle me. I think the large teddy bears they sell at Costco are my height.

 

[Matata]

Awww PB, so sorry about the job.

 

[lyra]

It's nice to have support around you. You have some from here. It's not the same, but maybe it'll help a little. Take care.

 

[tyty333]

I'm sorry Pinto. Job hunting stinks even when you are in a good place. I know something will come up for you. Dont give up!
Do they have job fairs up there?

I love monarch's idea about air bnb. You would be a great host! You could tell everyone one where to go for fun and good eats. That
might be a way to get you through until something solid shows up.

Drugs...I know you are probably joking PB but just dont go there. So many people losing their lives to opioids. Makes me just want to cry for
all the moms out there that have lost their kids/adult kids to drugs. Just heartbreaking.

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, Sweetie, I'm sorry about the job.
Their loss.
Keep putting one foot in front of the next. Its just a matter of time before a job offer is in your hands.

Adding my virtual hugs to all the others that are heading your way.
Brace yourself for the bombardment!

 

[PintoBean]

I'm sorry Pinto. Job hunting stinks even when you are in a good place. I know something will come up for you. Dont give up!
Do they have job fairs up there?

I love monarch's idea about air bnb. You would be a great host! You could tell everyone one where to go for fun and good eats. That
might be a way to get you through until something solid shows up.

Drugs...I know you are probably joking PB but just dont go there. So many people losing their lives to opioids. Makes me just want to cry for
all the moms out there that have lost their kids/adult kids to drugs. Just heartbreaking.

Sadly I'm not joking about the drugs. One friend's baby daddy OD'd in a motel room and someone found him 3 days later. She then went on to date another drug addict. I hear she's not eating again and losing a lot of weight and hangs with colleagues that live similarly. She neglects her children. My other friend ... she loves coke. .

I just lost a husband with an addiction. Being around these people for more than say just dinner or 2 hours of shopping is too triggering. My neighbor too. Whatever she takes causes her to be drooling, repetitive, juvenile, manic, and lose her balance. She claims to only take 5mg of xanax.

It's heartbreaking and scary and sometimes I can't stick around to watch them unravel.

 

[december-fire]

Pinto, I almost commented before about the friends doing drugs but decided on a more subtle approach of suggesting you 'expand your social network'.

I have strong views on the behaviour you describe above, so will try to choose my words carefully, but seriously ... what the hell!?!?! Who will protect those children? What good comes out of you being with people doing drugs?

Its seems like a hopeless environment (unless any of them are seeking help), and I'd like to see you in a positive, hopeful, constructive environment -- not hanging out with people involved in self-destructive behaviours.

You have too much potential and are too smart to be with that group.

 

[PintoBean]

Pinto, I almost commented before about the friends doing drugs but decided on a more subtle approach of suggesting you 'expand your social network'.

I have strong views on the behaviour you describe above, so will try to choose my words carefully, but seriously ... what the hell!?!?! Who will protect those children? What good comes out of you being with people doing drugs?

Its seems like a hopeless environment (unless any of them are seeking help), and I'd like to see you in a positive, hopeful, constructive environment -- not hanging out with people involved in self-destructive behaviours.

You have too much potential and are too smart to be with that group.

Yeah I have been actively declining and dodging. I just stay under the radar as best as I can. Some of my former bosses live within 15 minutes of me and their kids are just as absurd. It's touchy so I keep a low profile around town.

My shrink and I laugh about it - she says money doesn't solve all problems. Sometimes it gives you more problems. I moved to this neck of the woods when I was 13 so I am not programmed like these kids who are second or third generation born in this area. I counted down till I could leave and go away to college ad meet new people. Ironically when we bought our second home it was 15 minutes away from where I grew up, but the price was right and the HOA is cute.

I'll drive farther to meet PS friends but they're really busy right now. Full time jobs, kids, projects, etc.

 

[december-fire]

What about volunteering, taking classes, etc.?

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I hang with PB! Not a drug user! We recently went on a nice Ikea/mall walk/chick fil A trip

 

[december-fire]

I hang with PB! Not a drug user! We recently went on a nice Ikea/mall walk/chick fil A trip

And a bling lover! Does it get any better.

 

[PintoBean]

What about volunteering, taking classes, etc.?

I do. Cat stuff lol. I'm waiting for the spay neuter clinic to announce the schedule. It's great helping ferals by chopping balls. (I don't get to chop balls I clean traps and move them to the receiving area).

I also go to fundraisers and make afghans and coordinating cat beds for Chinese raffles.

I'm eyeballing some continuing ed courses where you get a demonstration at a local restaurant.

 

[PintoBean]

I actually go out a lot more than my peers. I talk to everyone so I'm a familiar... Even the lady that sugars my hoo ha and brows has my number and knows that I want to do a group thing. (Not a group hoo ha thing, not that there's anything wrong with that...).

I can walk into a restaurant or store and get greeted like an old friend. I found out later that a lady that I often shop from at Nordstrom came to the funeral.

I'm out there socially but I don't have intimacy. Some of my warmest memories are of my freshman year. People on my floor and esp in my suite would often jump into my bed to snuggle me.

 

[december-fire]

I was pretty sure you did cat volunteer stuff. That's great!

Yeah, the people jumping into bed to snuggle you is a tricky one - depends on so many factors and can go off-track.

Sounds like you're doing all the right stuff.
Try to stay active, get fresh air, be involved and learn new things (hobby, class, reading, whatever).
Keep talking and listening to your therapist, and things will work out.

Of course it would be wonderful to have a supportive SO.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and send you one.
Til one comes along, and even after that, you're stuck with us Babes!

 

[TooPatient]

Their loss! You are too good to get stuck in a place where they can't even manage the hiring process well. Something even better will come along.

I don't know how you have time for all the activities you do. Always out with some friends or group. I'd be tired if I tried to keep up with all that!

 

[TooPatient]

I actually go out a lot more than my peers. I talk to everyone so I'm a familiar... Even the lady that sugars my hoo ha and brows has my number and knows that I want to do a group thing. (Not a group hoo ha thing, not that there's anything wrong with that...).

I can walk into a restaurant or store and get greeted like an old friend. I found out later that a lady that I often shop from at Nordstrom came to the funeral.

I'm out there socially but I don't have intimacy. Some of my warmest memories are of my freshman year. People on my floor and esp in my suite would often jump into my bed to snuggle me.

Are you suggesting we have a group hoo ha sugar party? What party games could you play at such an event?

 

[PintoBean]

Are you suggesting we have a group hoo ha sugar party? What party games could you play at such an event?

And now for the adult emojis

 

[PintoBean]

One of my biggest fears is that no one would notice if something happened to me. One of my neighbors notices if I'm MIA for a week. My poor cats... I thought that this was something I didn't have to be scared of until I was much older.

The only person that called me throughout the day was my husband. After he passed, I noticed that his coworker's started messaging me on FB 2 hours after his start time when he failed to show. I don't have colleagues and I have strange sleeping hours so it would take a long time for anyone to notice... it's not a good feeling.

If I dropped dead at home my cats would definitely eat me. I'm very tender and well marbled.

 

[Karl_K]

Checking in, thoughts and prayers continue! I am so sorry your going through all this.

 

[AGBF]

I just wanted to add to Karl's post, that I'm with him. You are a sweetheart. You are so easy to love. This is not fair.

Hugs,
(((PintoBean)))
Deb

 

[lyra]

Big hugs, and I'm not a hugger! ((((((((HUGS))))))))) I wish I was your aunt. I'd take your mother to task, as well as everyone else who has treated you poorly.

 

[PintoBean]

Big exhale. I went to the accountant tonight to do taxes. It was a crazy day. I woke up to a phone call scheduling a follow up interview for next week . Then I realized my right shoulder felt pinched and my mobility was limited. I rubbed on icy hot but I kept wanting to roll over onto my right . I dozed off again and next thing I know it's 430 and I'm sweaty. I must have been a little under the weather bc I don't sleep sweaty unless I'm sick. I get up and drive 25 miles. Bc my in laws use the same accountant, I was so anxious about running into them. I hadn't eaten all day and this was an emotional moment for me bc this was the last thing (hopefully) I have to do for Mike. The good thing is that next year, not having Mike's taxes to take care of means I can start fresh with another accountant.

After taking care of the taxes, I drove 3 miles towards a Chinese bakery and parked at a supermarket lot. I took a 25 minute walk and shop break to and from the bakery to clear my head.

I was asked how I felt about completing this task. Resentful. Part of me wished I could be one of those people who withered and neglected this stuff. Why did I have to be so dependable? Why couldn't I be like V's mom who ignored all papers having to do with widow administration and in the process ignored paying taxes on the house and almost lost it? It doesn't feel rewarding to do the right thing all the time. And Michael knew he could depend on me.

The stress of the day and not eating till after 8pm made me feel woozy. A couple of hours ago I cried from being exhausted, lonely, and closing another part of our life together. Then I felt ashamed for the tears and reminded myself that the dead have it easy they're done living. This is just a part of choosing to live - that perpetual uphill battle.

My shrink and I talk about my depression and she reminds me that I'm still grieving. Well for ****s sake can't this grieving period end with the ding of an egg timer?