I'm a widow

[September_Blue]

@PintoBean I’ve been on and off here for years, but I’ve read through this thread and I have to say that you are incredible.
JFC, woman! They way you continually stand up for yourself and keep going is amazing. I know people who have fallen apart for much less and yet you’re STILL keep your head up, maintain a sense of humor, and through grieving you’re getting sh*t done.

That’s not only amazing, it’s damn admirable.
I’m sorry you’re hurting and I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
I’ll count myself amongst many of the PSers here that would love to hold your flipper.

 

[PintoBean]

Yesterday at the shrinkage we talked about expectations and the impossibility of getting water out of a dry well.

We talked about suicide and if I had ever made a plan. I said as a teen I'd dramatically declare to my friends that I'd spend my birthday on the balcony outside of my bathroom and freeze to death. Mind you I've never figured out how to open that window... I mentioned that when I drank in college I'd considered it more and we agreed that alcohol as a depressant didn't help. I didn't want to talk more about suicide so I switched topics.

On an average day I'm the happiest I've probably ever been but I'm at the same time resenting that I'm still grieving and want it to just be over. My shrink knows I'm a control freak. Is it that transparent? We chuckled about some cartoon from the Stone Age aka her childhood where a little boy was trying to stop a leak in a ship or a dam and was sticking his fingers in to plug one hole at a time and a new leak would spring.

We talked about the futility of speaking to the CEO of my former company. Hostile environment. Racism. Sexism (when you're friend with Former HR you get confirmation that women are paid 30% less). You name it it happened. I left 5 years ago. I'm done as of my last email to the CEO last week. My shrink asked me what I want in a boss. I said one that doesn't throw me under the bus. That's it.

I do hope that when I die it's after a good dinner, my nightly ritual and that it happens in my sleep. I hope that my baby cat who's a food hog doesn't eat all the juicy bits on my body and leave tough sinew and bones for her sisters to gnaw on. I hope I don't suffer something terminal and difficult and debilitating.

One last thing. I went to buy cedar mulch today. Me alone means I will buy one bag at a time per trip to the store. It reminded me that my neighbor had let me know that a bunch of stuff seemed to have flown out of my husband's car when it tumbled and crashed. He found the corolla emblem in a bush and saw a military fold up spade stuck in the ground by the tree that would be where he was declared dead. (This was within a week or two of the accident). He also saw bags of mulch and asked me if I needed them. He meant well but it was so... random! No thank you. I thought of this when I was buying my mulch. Despite that yucky feeling I still managed to get cheeky with a PS doll when she asked me what I needed the mulch for.

Answer: Oh bc sometimes I shit in the corner of my room and then I put cedar mulch down so the corn grows

People were right. It is very lonely nowadays. They did go away, even more than I imagined possible. I thought that it couldn't be worse than the first batch that disappeared within weeks of michael passing. I think that these days are the hardest. Living as a ghost widow.

 

[Lorelei]

Pinto, I am so sorry.

You are an incredible woman, please know you have friends here and you can reach out anytime. You know what a great bunch of ladies can be found here who are happy to offer their friendship and support, reach out anytime, people here really do care. xxxx

 

[Gabbycat]

Pinto, you've made it so far already. Don't give up. Just keep swimming.

Re: the mulch in the corner: Sounds like you've been spending too much time with the cats. Litter would probably be cheaper for covering your business, but then the corn couldn't grow.

And finally, you're clearly an awesome person with a great personality. Someone once sent me a poem about "friends for a time". I don't remember it exactly, but the gist was that friends will come and go in our lives, and they each fill a purpose for specific times in our lives. Maybe now you will find new friends who aren't connected to your past, and that can be a good thing so you don't have those thoughts or that conversation always hanging around with them. I don't know anything; I'm no psychotherapist, but just some thoughts. And as Lorelei stated above, you always have PS here for you.

 

[redwood66]

PB you still amaze me every day with your strength.
((PB))

red

 

[AGBF]

Hi, PB. I love you. You are such a fabulous woman.

Deb

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, Please be kind to yourself. It hasn’t even been a year since you lost Michael. Grieving is a process and everyone reacts to things differently. Has your therapist mentioned that some of these memories could be flooding back because you are getting close to date of his death? An anniversary of any tramatic event in your life can be extremely difficult and painful. As you have stated here and experienced the firsts are usually the hardest.

Please ignore everything I have said if it’s not helpful to you. I hesitate to say anything because the last thing I want to do is cause you more pain. Please know I’m thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best.

 

[TooPatient]

Pinto, Please be kind to yourself. It hasn’t even been a year since you lost Michael. Grieving is a process and everyone reacts to things differently. Has your therapist mentioned that some of these memories could be flooding back because you are getting close to date of his death? An anniversary of any tramatic event in your life can be extremely difficult and painful. As you have stated here and experienced the firsts are usually the hardest.

Please ignore everything I have said if it’s not helpful to you. I hesitate to say anything because the last thing I want to do is cause you more pain. Please know I’m thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best.

This.

Be aware that the 2nds can be very difficult too as people understand that firsts are hard but many don't realize that the 2nd or 3rd or whatever can be hard too. You are remembering and thinking of him but others seem to have forgotten. I have seen others post about things being difficult for later ones too as they feel guilty for moving on or like they aren't remembering enough.

 

[MarionC]

This.

Be aware that the 2nds can be very difficult too as people understand that firsts are hard but many don't realize that the 2nd or 3rd or whatever can be hard too. You are remembering and thinking of him but others seem to have forgotten. I have seen others post about things being difficult for later ones too as they feel guilty for moving on or like they aren't remembering enough.

Yes. All this.
Dear PB.
Dear PB.
One foot in front of the other. Just keeping moving living breathing through this huge transition.
Love from me to you.

 

[arkieb1]

You aren't alone. There are lots of people here for you and thinking about you. I'm sorry I don't live closer I'm sure we could get up to a lot of mischief without kidnapping any dogs, maybe the odd cat or two. And I've always wondered about cow tipping.

 

[PintoBean]

Been sleeping odd hours. Anxious about the Gtg, anxious about working and too anxious to click on the windows I have opened of prospective jobs to apply to.

One lovely PSer forwarded my resume to HR for their DB.

I made an impulsive jewelry purchase - actually all of mine always are, aren't they, since I wear nothing.

I hope my sleep is filled with dancing pork chops, stuffed artichokes and iced coffees. I've had very stressful nightmares with exes making cameos and wreaking havoc.

 

[Queenie60]

Think of you a bunch. Take care BP - many of us are on your side and we love you!!!

 

[MissGotRocks]

Oh, PB, please don't be anxious about the gtg. I am anxious to get the chance to finally meet you! We must all come together with no preconceived notions about one another. Most of us will not even know each other's real name - ha! We will come from all walks of life, all ages, all different in ways and yet we share the love of bling! My limited experience in meeting folks in the diamond world has always been amazingly fun and wonderful. I have no doubt we will find this time no different. Put your glad rags on and get ready to eat and visit and laugh - if nothing else, a brief respite from the ordinary day to day life. You have had a grueling year and deserve this break more than anyone. It's too bad we have no way to contact each other about travel times and such but I get in Thursday about 4:00 (their time) and should be available to meet up for dinner or whatever. I am assuming that once we get to the hotel that we will find ways to find one another. I'll be on the lookout for you (as if I knew who I was looking for - ha!) and we'll go from there. No expectations or nerves - just looking forward to having some fun!!

 

[Gussie]

Hi Pinto!

I am anxious about the gtg too. Meeting new people has always been a little hard for me, especially when they are from different backgrounds. I get a panicky feeling when I think that I will be the unsophisticated hillbilly among all of yall! I am sharing this with you just so you know you aren't alone in your fears! So now, what are we going to wear???????

P.S. Look for me, the blond with the thick drawl

 

[MissGotRocks]

My only concern at this point is getting from the airport to the hotel! After that, just loads of fun! We are all just ordinary people with an extraordinary interest in all things sparkly! I guarantee you that by Sunday you will wonder what you were so concerned about. No worries needed - I promise!!

 

[Tekate]

UBER!

My only concern at this point is getting from the airport to the hotel! After that, just loads of fun! We are all just ordinary people with an extraordinary interest in all things sparkly! I guarantee you that by Sunday you will wonder what you were so concerned about. No worries needed - I promise!!

 

[Tekate]

@PintoBean I just spent time catching up on this thread. I'm glad you are going to the get together, it's good to meet the glitter people, I look forward to it soon enough.

What I read and what I think is that you want your normal back, your life as was back. Now I think this is normal, my sister (who found me most annoying) died on 10/3/16, I wanted my normal back, I felt like a caged animal - I WASN'T finished with her, I wanted a better relationship, I wanted her to love my sons, I wanted a hella lot of sh-- that she would never do, but I wanted it. I felt guilt, shuda cuda wuda about her death. For the first year I lived in a nebulous world of fog, of course I was me, but I had to navigate a new.. which really pissed me off since our little brother died on 6/14/15 and I was just trying to find balance. My normal is gone, what was is gone.. I hurt. hurt. hurt. BUT I have things that make me happy, I recently gave up all alcohol as I was back to my nefarious party mode, that helped sh--.

When I read where I left off on your thread I see your total feeling of lack of control in the situation after your husband's death, I think that this is part of healing, understanding. For one, you have your May to get through and nothing changes, anniversaries are nothing, no magic happy. no magic ima over it. nope, for me anyway.

I think maybe if you went to a temp agency and did assignments and then choose to do another is something that might help you. maybe not, as I said the new normal is being made. I know your friends and you all eat well when you eat I suppose.

Most people never have to go through what you are going thru till and if they are old. Somebody above (and I apologize I forget whom).. recommended ABnB.. money honey and also a time passer. I think Asscherhalolover lives in the city or out on the Island? so there is opportunity for you to find something temp and blow it off if you want in the city.

Age does not give wisdom, age just gives experience, so what I say could be total BS to you, take whatcha want and toss some or all, you had no end with your husband, unfinished end to where it was gonna go, that is very hard, whatifs couldifs.. there is NO time limit on grief, just one day I woke up after a large bit of time passed after my mom died and I felt a bit like who I had been, but not who I was, still not there with my smarter than smart, beautiful sister.. I keep on keepin on. Please do yourself.

as an aside: I don't come here often because I am in a grief process myself and am unsure if I can say anything of truth or with insight.. (although I wrote a lot above haha on me, but truth: some of it is to help me I think, as Gwen says "I'm just a girl in the world")

 

[bright ice]

My only concern at this point is getting from the airport to the hotel! After that, just loads of fun! We are all just ordinary people with an extraordinary interest in all things sparkly! I guarantee you that by Sunday you will wonder what you were so concerned about. No worries needed - I promise!!

Not meaning to thread jack here but I will be arriving at 5 PM Houston time and will be meeting Yennyfire at 6 PM. We are planning on taking a Taxi or Uber together so if anyone will be there around the same time, feel free to meet up with us.

 

[MissGotRocks]

I would love to Uber or taxi with someone but I arrive in Houston at 3:55 pm. That would be a two hour wait but I guess it would be doable. Is anyone else reading this arriving in Houston on Thursday about 4:00? Bright Ice I will stay in touch here and let you know if I will wait for you and Yennie. Many thanks for the offer!!

 

[PintoBean]

@PintoBean I just spent time catching up on this thread. I'm glad you are going to the get together, it's good to meet the glitter people, I look forward to it soon enough.

What I read and what I think is that you want your normal back, your life as was back. Now I think this is normal, my sister (who found me most annoying) died on 10/3/16, I wanted my normal back, I felt like a caged animal - I WASN'T finished with her, I wanted a better relationship, I wanted her to love my sons, I wanted a hella lot of sh-- that she would never do, but I wanted it. I felt guilt, shuda cuda wuda about her death. For the first year I lived in a nebulous world of fog, of course I was me, but I had to navigate a new.. which really pissed me off since our little brother died on 6/14/15 and I was just trying to find balance. My normal is gone, what was is gone.. I hurt. hurt. hurt. BUT I have things that make me happy, I recently gave up all alcohol as I was back to my nefarious party mode, that helped sh--.

When I read where I left off on your thread I see your total feeling of lack of control in the situation after your husband's death, I think that this is part of healing, understanding. For one, you have your May to get through and nothing changes, anniversaries are nothing, no magic happy. no magic ima over it. nope, for me anyway.

I think maybe if you went to a temp agency and did assignments and then choose to do another is something that might help you. maybe not, as I said the new normal is being made. I know your friends and you all eat well when you eat I suppose.

Most people never have to go through what you are going thru till and if they are old. Somebody above (and I apologize I forget whom).. recommended ABnB.. money honey and also a time passer. I think Asscherhalolover lives in the city or out on the Island? so there is opportunity for you to find something temp and blow it off if you want in the city.

Age does not give wisdom, age just gives experience, so what I say could be total BS to you, take whatcha want and toss some or all, you had no end with your husband, unfinished end to where it was gonna go, that is very hard, whatifs couldifs.. there is NO time limit on grief, just one day I woke up after a large bit of time passed after my mom died and I felt a bit like who I had been, but not who I was, still not there with my smarter than smart, beautiful sister.. I keep on keepin on. Please do yourself.

as an aside: I don't come here often because I am in a grief process myself and am unsure if I can say anything of truth or with insight.. (although I wrote a lot above haha on me, but truth: some of it is to help me I think, as Gwen says "I'm just a girl in the world")

Wow. Thank you. I needed your story.

I kept saying to my therapist today that I want a remote control for my grief and depression. And she kept saying but that's not how it works. You're gonna feel what you feel. But a remote control would be awesome!

 

[Gussie]

@Tekate @PintoBean

"I'm just a girl in the world"

You are both AWESOME girls in the world. I am still very intrigued/impressed by this group of women (and a few men) who really support each other. Happy to be a small part of it.

 

[PintoBean]

I have to chuckle to myself. I had a dream where this handsome devil (hereinafter "HD") was stuck up a telephone pole, and I climbed up to help him down. 2 days later, HD texts and emails me out of nowhere. Come to Miami, stay at my place, stay as long as you want. I know he didn't care if we were platonic or not. He's always liked womEn not womAn. Tempting, very tempting, as always are the offerings of the devil, no?

I thought about it. I wanted to be someone who could just up and run off and have a lost year. It would be sleep eat and party. He's tells me he's got lots of good looking guys for me.

I think we became fast friends long ago because, while we didn't have the term yet, we both now know that his parents and my mom are narcissists. And now I know he is one too in hindsight.

He can up and leave NY and his kids for a fresh start in Miami and justify it as "they're better off with their moms." I can't leave my cats more than 6 hours before I start having separation anxiety. They're my home. And speaking of homes, I have a bloody house. I have a car. My chattel. Our property Michael and I worked together to make our own.

And no I don't travel to go TO a guy just because he asks me to. Not a beck and call girl.

And god gawd he still has that ridiculous head of hair that I wanted for myself, the dimples, and that physique he gets from boxing. He rides a motorcycle now. He's always turned heads with his mega watt smile and looks. (Btw, I turn heads too by ridiculous shit like farting bc I bend over (and am flatulent in 3 languages) and asking "who stepped on a duck?). The more I thought about it and listened to the words I used like "lost year", the more I realized that what i really want is a memorable year. Even better with a human companion - a good friend, doesn't have to be a lover. Life can flip on a dime as I've learned first hand, so how can I afford to LOSE a year?

I just know that temptations seem to be catching my eye more lately, and maybe it's bc we are approaching the anniversary of the accident or maybe bc I'm so hard on myself for my feelings and where I am in the grieving process.... sometimes I just wish I wasn't the gal that put her head down and plowed through administering the estate but was the gal who went rogue and f'd some shit up.

 

[Karl_K]

Checking in
Thoughts and prayers continue.

 

[lyra]

Anniversaries of loss can send you reeling. For me, it's something I keep inside, then tend to lash out when others don't "get" why I'm in a bad mood or something. They don't remember those dates, or how personal it can be. And maybe I don't want to share the emotions. It's something that takes up a colossal amount of head space. Do whatever you need to do. There is no timetable. Especially when there is no closure, which happened to me 2 times out of 3. Closure made things easier to bear. Take care.

 

[GCGDanielle]

Lots of love, PB. You can still be the girl to go rogue and eff shit up.

I've always been a very strong, very regimented person. I was just born this way. I never needed to be told to do my homework or chores or to go to bed. I breezed through school. I work hard and set goals and people read my life as "easy." I'm the one everyone turns to for help, research, advice. What nobody really knows, though, is how super sensitive I am. I give off such a determined vibe that I think people just assume I am not "weak."

My mom died when I was 29. Unexpectedly and tragically. I was so overwhelmed by the need to finalize everything and to help everyone else (my dad and siblings, mostly), that I forgot about myself. Well, no, I didn't forget. I pushed myself to the end in line. I didn't get support from anyone, mostly because nobody ever thinks I need it. And I'm too bashful (ashamed? embarrassed?) to ask for some. And I also have this weird thing about "bothering" people. I think: I'm suffering, but why should I involve someone else and make them deal with it too?

And partially, I wonder what's wrong with me. Why am I still having trouble dealing with it all these years later? Why can't I just get over it? Why is it that Mother's Day always turns my world upside down because I have to pretend to be happy and celebrate with my family, but I'm pained and tortured inside because I don't have my mom. Why does the pain pop up in the most random moments? At the end of Bad Moms, the actresses are being silly with their actual moms, and watching that caused me to sob for at least 30 minutes until I had no tears left. Why am I so affected by those "perfect" actresses and their wonderful moms? Why do I have to feel so jealous? After I let out all the emotion, then I start feeling guilty and stupid for having such a reaction. I make an excuse to myself and forget about it, and then the cycle repeats itself when I'm at the mall and see a woman my age blissfully shopping around with her mom. Rinse and repeat.

I realize this will be a lifelong struggle for me, and it pisses me off and it's not fair. And time is helping, but I will always have moments where it all feels "raw" and I can't escape it. And she shows up in my dreams and it always makes the next day(s) so hard. I still haven't been able to look at her picture. And she didn't get to know my kids and they'll never know her. And they're afraid that I'll die young and leave them because my mom did.

I'm sorry for all of your pain. I empathize because I'm on a similar path, and so much of what you say (type) resonates with me. Thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for pushing forward each day. Thanks for your humor and your wit. Thanks for giving me a new way to share my feelings. It helps. Reading what you write helps me. We're gonna make it. Big hugs.

 

[PintoBean]

Lots of love, PB. You can still be the girl to go rogue and eff shit up.

I've always been a very strong, very regimented person. I was just born this way. I never needed to be told to do my homework or chores or to go to bed. I breezed through school. I work hard and set goals and people read my life as "easy." I'm the one everyone turns to for help, research, advice. What nobody really knows, though, is how super sensitive I am. I give off such a determined vibe that I think people just assume I am not "weak."

My mom died when I was 29. Unexpectedly and tragically. I was so overwhelmed by the need to finalize everything and to help everyone else (my dad and siblings, mostly), that I forgot about myself. Well, no, I didn't forget. I pushed myself to the end in line. I didn't get support from anyone, mostly because nobody ever thinks I need it. And I'm too bashful (ashamed? embarrassed?) to ask for some. And I also have this weird thing about "bothering" people. I think: I'm suffering, but why should I involve someone else and make them deal with it too?

And partially, I wonder what's wrong with me. Why am I still having trouble dealing with it all these years later? Why can't I just get over it? Why is it that Mother's Day always turns my world upside down because I have to pretend to be happy and celebrate with my family, but I'm pained and tortured inside because I don't have my mom. Why does the pain pop up in the most random moments? At the end of Bad Moms, the actresses are being silly with their actual moms, and watching that caused me to sob for at least 30 minutes until I had no tears left. Why am I so affected by those "perfect" actresses and their wonderful moms? Why do I have to feel so jealous? After I let out all the emotion, then I start feeling guilty and stupid for having such a reaction. I make an excuse to myself and forget about it, and then the cycle repeats itself when I'm at the mall and see a woman my age blissfully shopping around with her mom. Rinse and repeat.

I realize this will be a lifelong struggle for me, and it pisses me off and it's not fair. And time is helping, but I will always have moments where it all feels "raw" and I can't escape it. And she shows up in my dreams and it always makes the next day(s) so hard. I still haven't been able to look at her picture. And she didn't get to know my kids and they'll never know her. And they're afraid that I'll die young and leave them because my mom did.

I'm sorry for all of your pain. I empathize because I'm on a similar path, and so much of what you say (type) resonates with me. Thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for pushing forward each day. Thanks for your humor and your wit. Thanks for giving me a new way to share my feelings. It helps. Reading what you write helps me. We're gonna make it. Big hugs.

I want to say that I feel like we are the same person but I don't want to minimize you by comparing you to this old fart of a bean lol. We are very similar and lots of what you wrote above resonated with me.

I hate that my need to go and accomplish is paralyzing me instead of motivating me to act.

I long to be touched. I don't let my parents touch me. The few times my mom has given me a fake hug for sure I've flinched and recoiled. My bfs always commented that I was so huggy. I can think of only 2x I got held since Michael passed. Both briefly. When I stepped out of the limo at the funeral and saw one of my college roommate G and he greeted me with "hello sweetheart" and I broke down in tears and he held me. The 2nd time was the lunch after the funeral when I walked back into the restaurant after a breather outside and was crying and some of Michael's relatives grabbed me for a hug. I think that's why I stay in bed a lot bc being enveloped in my layers of sheets and blankets and comforters is the closest thing to a snuggle.

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto Bean, Just checking into say I’m thinking of you often and hope you are getting thru this month. Please try to do things that bring you joy, even if the joy is only for 5 minutes. Hugs, Callie

You will have lots of fun at the Pricescope GTG. That night will feel like one huge hug.

 

[gemgirl]

I'm so far behind in everything, and I do miss being here, so I decided to jump back in try to catch up with some things.

What GTG? Do we have something happening on our side of the world?

 

[TooPatient]

I'm so far behind in everything, and I do miss being here, so I decided to jump back in try to catch up with some things.

What GTG? Do we have something happening on our side of the world?

Texas. Really wish I could be there! Can't get away during my school quarter so I am hoping maybe next year.

 

[gemgirl]

Texas. Really wish I could be there! Can't get away during my school quarter so I am hoping maybe next year.

Oh, thank you TP. That's not in our neck of the woods.