I'm a widow

[tyty333]

Ah, Pinto, so good to hear that you were up to tackling a few things. I'm glad that your body is more accepting of food...try to keep it going.

I wanted to bring up work (yuck, right?) Not sure what you do or if you even have a normal 9-5 type schedule but...a psychiatrist told me after I suffered
a loss to NOT go back on a Monday. Try to go back on a Thursday or a Friday so you only have to make it through a day or two before you get another
break. This was very good advice because I dont think I could have made it through a week (I am an introvert). You may feel different and that work is
a good distraction but I thought I'd throw it out there for you to think about before the time comes. I am hoping that you dont have to go back until you are
good and ready.

Hoping each day that passes helps to lessen your pain. I know its a long road but we're here for you.

 

[VRBeauty]

I just wanted to mention that I found writing in a journal to be very helpful in grieving, particularly when it came to the unexpected loss of my dear friend and of my mother. Some of that journaling had to do with unresolved issues and guilt and other things that I truly hope you're not dealing with. But a lot of it also had to do with just expressing loss and longing, or even observing the ways grief would hit me. I know journaling is not for everybody but I thought I'd throw it out there in case it's something that you might find helpful.

 

[Slickk]

Thinking of you still PB. I think I'm in your area. I wish there was some way I could find out so I could reach out IRL
The passage below helped me when I unexpectedly lost my parents 6 weeks apart. I handled all of the estate business and could possibly offer you some assistance. I will say, in NYS, original death certificates are generally required for transactions. Make sure you have five to ten on hand.
Continuing to send hugs and warm wishes. You're doing amazing! I'm in awe of your fortitude at such a time!

 

[marcy]

PintoBean I hope you are eating some and sleeping okay. You've been in my thoughts.

I know you are getting a lot of great advice here so I had a few things to add, Ignore this paragraph if desired. I am glad you took care of moving money from your joint account. I think someone already mentioned this but cards issued in just your husband's name might get cancelled without notifying you. As someone also mentioned do not tell your property insurance anything yet. Most places here won't work with you until you have the death certificate and it was smart to get a copy of your marriage certificate. I know every state has different laws but when I was settling my parents estate I ran in to all sorts of stupid things that made me pause and say "really?" Some of them had a 30 day period before they'd take care of whatever I needed done. I found there is no rush to get things done, just work on them as you decide you are ready to tackle things. I used a notebook, made lists, marked off things as I did them, kept numbers and contacts in there, kept adding things to my list and it helped keep me organized.

Marcy

 

[PintoBean]

Hmmm... I just had an interesting conversation with "Frankie". He asked me if I had been to the crash site - no. He told me about the picture of my husband on a tree and the makeshift cross nailed to it. He told me that he and "fro-y" planted perennials to the right of the tree. He told me that he suspected that my husband ended up suspended going over the little hill and hydroplaning in the rain, and that it doesn't take much to lose control of the car on that road. He suspected that my husband's car tumbled over itself not rolled based on his experience in multiple accidents . He said that someone talked smack about my husband going 100 miles an hour down the road in the bar that his gf works at, but you know as an engineer that you can go normal speed like less than 50 mph and have this happen.

Frankie has a good heart but his brain and his mouth are not wired together properly. I can let this go. I remember him being a little boy a few grades below me, just a few inches taller than me, with a high voice - troubled but well meaning then as well. He's chosen to take the difficult path through life, so I can give him a pass here.

It turns out my BIL, my husband's twin, placed the picture and the cross on the tree.

As for people talking smack in a bar... you're lucky I don't frequent said local bars. I dare someone to say sh!t to my face about my husband's accident because they will end up missing a few appendages.

Today my FIL called the detective and learned that the car was being examined, and not at the impound yet. He would find out for us when it would be released and try to get the personal belongings in the car gathered together. I left a voicemail for the car insurance rep, but missed his call back.

My SIL accompanied me to the store to return my bathing suits (for the Antigua trip memorial day weekend), as well as a stack of men's shirts I bought fire sale last year from Land's End - still in plastic with tags and luckily I kept the packing slip.

My HS friend is sleeping over tonight and she accompanied me to Costco to return the camera, swim shorts, shorts, swim shirt and sandals I bought for DH for the Antigua trip as well.

I turned on my laptop for work this AM, and promptly fell asleep for a few hours lololol. No meetings and no e-mails. My boss is out of the country for another project. I don't think they will renew me so i will ride out my contract through June. I am thankful that a 6 month project extended almost to 2 years.

I'm tired... I appreciate your comments. They feed my soul.

 

[Calliecake]

Oh Pinto it sounds like today was a really rough day. I'm glad you are not alone and your friend is staying with you. If you don't feel up to doing things right now you can take a break sweetheart. I can't imagine anyone not understanding with all you have been through. Hugs

 

[december-fire]

Frankie. Wow. Just ... wow.

I'm glad to hear that your SIL and HS friend have accompanied you for some things, and that your friend is sleeping over tonight.

Sending hugs and wishing you a peaceful sleep.

 

[Matata]

at Frankie. Sometimes people talk too much when trying to provide comfort. Letting that stuff roll off is healthy. I hope you don't have to endure too many more people whose brains and mouths aren't properly wired.

When times get tough, remember that you have a whole army of PSers surrounding you with love.

 

[Queenie60]

Dear sweet Pinto Bean. So nice to hear that you're going about business as best as you can. You're definitely a survivor and I certainly admire your spunk and strength. Keep you chin up - you will learn to deal with your loss. Glad to know that you have friends and relatives staying with you. Reach out to those who love you. God Bless - take care my friend.

 

[Arkteia]

PintoBean,

I just read this thread. So scary how life can change with one ring of the doorbell. I am very, very sorry for your loss. I wish you strength and patience. Take care of yourself.

 

[missy]

PB just checking in here to say I hope you had a good night with your friend last night. I am so sorry about people talking crap and you are so smart to just let it roll off you. Not worth the energy. You are surrounded by people who love and adore you and support you and the rest is just noise to ignore. ((((HUGS)))).

 

[gemgirl]

you smart smart resourceful PSers!

What I'm kinda surprised by is that this event has not made me want to shut down. Rather, I want to live more than ever. I find serenity in the idea that all the challenges I'd met before my "widowhood" were to prepare me for this very moment.

If you still feel the same way next month, let's take a "road trip" and visit some friends in the city. I am so overdue. We can both use the pick-me-up.

 

[arkieb1]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with "Frankie" the village idiot, I don't think you should have to worry about stupid assumptions other people make, at the moment know that you have many people thinking about you, hoping you are O.K, and supporting you.

 

[Calliecake]

PInto Bean, Please know what Matata said about people thinking they are being helpful and are providing comfort is probably the best way to describe Frankie. It's wise to just brush things like that off and not give them a second thought.

MY MIL said some things to my SIL's dad at the wake for this wife. I thought my head was going to fly off as I stood there listening to her. I know my MIL was trying to be helpful.

I'm hoping you have an easier day today. Hugs

 

[OreoRosies86]

I'm sorry PB. Sometimes people truly just don't know how say the right thing or at least have the sense to say nothing besides offering their sympathies.

 

[Gem Queen]

Pinto Bean, I just read through all 15 pages of this. My chest is so tight right now, I can't believe it. I feel your pain and am so sad for you. I can't imagine. Is his twin identical? I lost my dad and grandmother six days apart. My wounds were just starting to heal. The night of my grandmother's funeral, my dad died. It was terrible. My two biggest fans GONE. Ugh!
I pray you get through it with a little ease. I couldn't eat either. That is my M.O. when something is wrong. I learned to drink protein shakes. My doctor gave me Xanax. That really helped.... immensely. I hope we are able to pick you up through these trying times. I know you said that this has opened your eyes. Do the opposite of what you would usually do. Talk to strangers. I know it will be hard, but when you're ready, you might be surprised what you get out of it. My mother says that I always meet the most interesting people. I say touch the life of someone you meet every day. The most important thing, take it one day, hour, minute, breath at a time. You are in my thoughts.

 

[whitewave]

PInto Bean, Please know what Matata said about people thinking they are being helpful and are providing comfort is probably the best way to describe Frankie. It's wise to just brush things like that off and not give them a second thought.

MY MIL said some things to my SIL's dad at the wake for this wife. I thought my head was going to fly off as I stood there listening to her. I know my MIL was trying to be helpful.

I'm hoping you have an easier day today. Hugs

At My sister's MIL's funeral, Her FIL's one year widowed friend showed up with his new wife and *at the casket* told Her FIL how he shouldn't worry, he would be remarried soon.

Yes, he was trying to be comforting and pointing her fil toward the future, but at the casket?!? so many things wrong with that.

(Her FIL remarried 2/3 years later... but still...)

 

[yennyfire]

Just checking in on you sweet PB! I'm so sorry that Frankie is an insensitive clod! Good for you for letting that roll off of your back! I think of you often throughout the day, so even when I may not post, you are on my mind....

 

[monarch64]

PB, I know you enjoy inappropriate humor so I couldn't help but think of you last night while watching Wild Oats on Netflix. It's a movie with Shirley Maclaine, Jessica Lange, Demi Moore and Billy Connolly and it is morbidly hilarious. Someday when it's not still "too soon" I think you might get a kick (or several) out of it.

 

[AprilBaby]

Thinking of you today!

 

[luv2sparkle]

I laughed when I read Yenny's comment calling Frankie a clod. Perfect description. You are a kind person to be able to just wipe it out and let it go. That is pretty amazing. You have had so much to deal with. I can't even imagine how much courage it took to return all those things and I am so glad you had someone with you.
Does having a memorial at the site comfort you? I have always wondered why people did that. I am sure it is comforting to them or they wouldn't do it. I have a friend and her son died in a motorcycle crash on Mulholland Dr. in LA a few years ago and they go to visit the site often. I don't understand it because that is the last place I would want to remember him. I haven't lost a son, technically, but one of mine was in a horrific crash and was brain injured. He is not anything like he was and life is definitely divided in before/after. I have never been to the site or had any desire to do so. Something terrible happened there but that one moment was not the sum of his life. I must have something missing in my brain that can't connect with that. IDK. It is different for everyone and everyone should do what helps them get through each day.
It makes me so glad that you have had a few people by your side through all of this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[PintoBean]

Having that memorial site does not comfort me. I cannot even drive down that road. Rather, I'm disgusted that I live in a county with such high property taxes and the roads are always in a state of disrepair. BUT, it comforts OTHERS to have that memorial site. Who am I to begrudge them that bit of peace?

Something else that happened last night that bothered me greatly was that a woman commented under a newspaper article with her phone number that she had been a rescuer/witness to my husband's accident. She said contact me if you want to talk. Granted, she used her FB account to post that comment so you could have backtracked to her that way, but leaving her phone number in the public like that seemed... well, it didn't pass the sniff test for me, and part of me questioned if she is a troll. Well guess what, a family friend contacted this woman and she indicated that my husband was unconscious, he did not suffer, the people who came to help could not get the doors open, etc. Even better, she SHOWED UP TO THE WAKE. I was like, whatevs, thank you for telling us he was unconscious and did not suffer. I left it at that. Other people showered her with attention and declared her an angel. OK. Fair enough. It seemed that what she had to say gave my MIL closure... or so I thought...

Come to find out yesterday afternoon from my SIL that my MIL had invited this woman OVER to her HOUSE to talk again. I wasn't having anything to do with this, so I just pushed it out of my mind. My husband is gone. Not until later in the evening did it dawn on me that perhaps it would have been more prudent for my MIL and FIL to meet with this woman in a PUBLIC PLACE. By then, I figured the meet and greet was long over. My MIL called me today and told me that the woman feeling compelled to reach out to the family was a message from my husband. Well, I hope she got the closure she needed and doesn't get robbed in the process. This is a bit too much for me. My BIL's wife was mentioning to me that at the wake, people commented that this woman was clearly beautiful on the inside and outside. Doesn't pass my sniff test.

On a positive note, I was able to book a therapy session for next Monday. Unfortunately it's at 7:45 AM LOLOLOLOL!

Last night I asked my neighbor to please call my reflexologist because I knew our monthly session was coming up soon and I couldn't bear it if she were to call on Friday to remind me that we had the two sessions on Saturday, and I didn't want to devastate her that Friday before the session or the day of the reflexology session with the news of my husband's passing. My neighbor took care of reaching out to the reflexologist.

 

[lovedogs]

awww PB my heart aches for you so much, and I'm so sorry you have to deal with idiots. "Frankie", and this woman both sound horrible---I don't know how you remained calm and even keeled throughout. So happy you were able to book a therapy session, I hope it will help, but sorry it's so early. I don't know how anyone is ready to give or receive therapy that early in the morning, lol!
You are in my thoughts always.

 

[chemgirl]

I totally agree with you about the lady. I do think there is a greater chance of mental illness than her being a robber (since she was so public about everything). Still disconcerting.

On another note, glad to see that you are managing to eat more.

Hugs.

ETA: if she was at the wake why not just leave a condolence card with her contact info? The public nature of the whole thing is off. Good instincts lady.

 

[marcy]

Hi PintoBean. I would be suspicious of that woman too, she probably means well but it is so hard to know anymore. I am sorry about the insensitive things Frankie said to you. As someone else said people are trying to offer words of comfort but sometimes it just comes out wrong. You are being very strong and dealing with people really well. I am glad you got an appointment for a therapy session. Ugh that it's so early. I hope you sleep okay tonight. Big Hugs.

 

[PintoBean]

Old habits are hard to break. Yesterday, when I saw Nordstrom's half yearly sale signs, I had to stop myself from heading to the men's shoes dept to look for shoes for DH. Just now, I was trying to push a trundle under the day bed, and a cat crawled underneath. I wanted to call out to DH for help and had to stop myself (again)

It is definitely more difficult again (tonight) without someone else under the roof with me.

 

[lovedogs]

Old habits are hard to break. Yesterday, when I saw Nordstrom's half yearly sale signs, I had to stop myself from heading to the men's shoes dept to look for shoes for DH. Just now, I was trying to push a trundle under the day bed, and a cat crawled underneath. I wanted to call out to DH for help and had to stop myself (again)

It is definitely more difficult again (tonight) without someone else under the roof with me.

Oh PB, your honesty is so admirable. That's exactly how it is with grief (at least in my experience). Sometimes you feel ok--or as ok as you can--and other times it feels like 1000lbs on your chest. I am so sorry that you are alone again tonight. I wish so much that I was close enough to visit--I'd bring tons of small doggy cuddles and snacks. In the meantime, accept this pic of my girls who are sending you cuddles all the way from southern CA. And also a pic of my friend's 6 month old fluffy kitten, who really likes small spaces.

 

[Calliecake]

Pinto, I would also have found the woman's actions bizarre. My first thought was exactly what Chem Girl said. Why not send a condolence card with her number and if someone wanted to contact her it would be up to them. Showing up at the wake is just plain strange.

I'm glad you were able to get a therapy appointment. Is there a family member who could possibly come stay with for a while?

 

[marcy]

Sorry you don't have any company tonight. Snuggle with your kitties.

 

[ac117]

My dearest PB....even hotel wifi has sucked where I am and am just reading your messages although we've spoken throughout these days. My heart is with you and I miss you and wish I didn't have to leave you and that I could be with you even just to help with the silent moments. You are so strong and a woman to really admire, and I truly do. You will get through this...we've grown so close in the last year and I consider you a close friend....I am always here for you. Biggest hugs