If you were a parent - would you ask your kids to pay?

[D&T]

My parents would never if it was something they asked of us to go out to eat or on a trip. My FIL asked us to go boating but asked/expects us to chip in on gas and food which I was perfectly fine with, but I'm a bit annoyed (as a parent myself), and both DH and I agreed that we would never ask our kids to pitch in on a trip or go out to eat IF we asked them, would you?

ETA: I guess I'm not perfectly fine with it

, just going with it since we'd like to spend some time with them, and DH loves water skiing

 

[Bia]

No, my parents (or FI''s parents) would not, but I do know parents who do expect their kids to pitch in regardless of whether they invited or not. In fact, I know parents who routinely ask their kids (or their kid''s SO) for money.

 

[atroop711]

my parents would never ask for money from us. In fact when I try to help them out (they are poor) they won''t take the money. I have to hide money in their wallets or purse (they will just think they forgot they had it) to help them out financially. When I buy their medicines (they are both very sick) they get upset and want to pay me back. I never take it and that annoys them. They also raised me to think this way...if you invite, you pay

 

[D&T]

Date: 7/19/2009 12:36:10 PM
Author: atroop711
my parents would never ask for money from us. In fact when I try to help them out (they are poor) they won''t take the money. I have to hide money in their wallets or purse (they will just think they forgot they had it) to help them out financially. When I buy their medicines (they are both very sick) they get upset and want to pay me back. I never take it and that annoys them. They also raised me to think this way...if you invite, you pay

exactly - my parents are also very poor, and they never ask us to pay them back if they buy anything for us (they also always make elaborate dinners for us with expensive products), we also try to hide money in their wallets. DH''s family comes from a little bit of wealth (albeit we don''t/haven''t asked for help in anything) since DH''s parents are split up - the step siblings get most of the help, but somehow, money that they have, they seem a bit uptight about it

 

[D&T]

Date: 7/19/2009 12:23:29 PM
Author: Bia
No, my parents (or FI's parents) would not, but I do know parents who do expect their kids to pitch in regardless of whether they invited or not. In fact, I know parents who routinely ask their kids (or their kid's SO) for money.

I would not ask my kids, nor would accept their money, however, on the flip side, if I knew my parents needed money, I would hide money for them - maybe it could be a pride thing - that won't ask. But on my inlaws side, money is not an issue (they have it) is what I dont get.

ETA: its mostly the principal is what I don't get

 

[LilyKat]

Hmm. My parents wouldn't ask for money, but I see that as being a generous action on their part, rather than something I would take for granted. If they did ask me to contribute towards a trip or for food, I'd happily do so and not have a problem with it. It would only be if they expected me to pay for them too that I'd find it odd.

I feel that adult children who are earning and have their own household should be willing to pay their own way. It's different if they are still at school/college. Just my opinion.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 7/19/2009 12:58:28 PM
Author: LilyKat
Hmm. My parents wouldn''t ask for money, but I see that as being a generous action on their part, rather than something I would take for granted. If they did ask me to contribute towards a trip or for food, I''d happily do so and not have a problem with it. It would only be if they expected me to pay for them too that I''d find it odd.

I feel that adult children who are earning and have their own household should be willing to pay their own way. It''s different if they are still at school/college. Just my opinion.

2nd. Adult children should pay their own way!

 

[jewelerman]

the people who invite pay,unless they go out together alot and then people take turns paying.

 

[D&T]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:01:22 PM
Author: jewelerman
the people who invite pay,unless they go out together alot and then people take turns paying.

this is our second trip with them in five years, The first time they asked/ well not really asked, we got up to the gas station, and they came over for the cash? DH didn't know either

-caught me off guard a little taken aback, since I thought all parents were like mine.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:04:42 PM
Author: D&T

Date: 7/19/2009 1:01:22 PM
Author: jewelerman
the people who invite pay,unless they go out together alot and then people take turns paying.

this is our second trip with them in five years, The first time they asked/ well not really asked, we got up to the gas station, and they came over for the cash? DH didn''t know either

-caught me off guard a little taken aback, since I thought all parents were like mine.

With my in-laws, they would never come over to us asking for cash. But, then again, we''d already be volunteering to pay for things. Also, we always contribute food and especially the beer (since we''re picky and like expensive beverages)!

 

[brightlight]

My parents would never ask me to pay. They believe whoever invites should pay, but they always try to pay anyway. If you invite them, they feel you should at least offer to pay ... but they''ll fight you for the bill. I think they care more about you being thoughtful enough to pay than you actually paying.

I, personally, would be ok if they or my hubby''s parents asked us to pay our share. In fact, we always offer to pay whenever we go out to dinner. My parents never let us pay. However, my husband''s parents are ok with us paying, and my husband''s parents are much better off financially than my parents. Even before we were engaged when we were in our early twenties, I personally paid for dinners with my husband''s family. I think it all depends on how old the "children" are and what everyone''s financial situation is.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 7/19/2009 12:44:32 PM
Author: D&T

Date: 7/19/2009 12:36:10 PM
Author: atroop711
my parents would never ask for money from us. In fact when I try to help them out (they are poor) they won''t take the money. I have to hide money in their wallets or purse (they will just think they forgot they had it) to help them out financially. When I buy their medicines (they are both very sick) they get upset and want to pay me back. I never take it and that annoys them. They also raised me to think this way...if you invite, you pay

exactly - my parents are also very poor, and they never ask us to pay them back if they buy anything for us (they also always make elaborate dinners for us with expensive products), we also try to hide money in their wallets. DH''s family comes from a little bit of wealth (albeit we don''t/haven''t asked for help in anything) since DH''s parents are split up - the step siblings get most of the help, but somehow, money that they have, they seem a bit uptight about it

Can I ask if you and your husband offer to pay/chip in when you do things with your husband''s family?

 

[lucyandroger]

SO and I make more money than both of our sets of parents. SO''s parents absolutely refuse to let us pay for anything. My mom pays about half the time and we pay half the time. We see my dad less but he always pays.

MY SO feels strongly that parents should always pay so when we''re parents, I assume that that''s how we''ll handle it. As long as the children are gracious and not taking advantage, I don''t have a problem with it.

I guess since it''s my mom, I see her point of view. We make a good living so I''m not sure why she should have to pay for our meals, hotel, gas money, etc.

 

[D&T]

we actually brought food for everyone, we usually do try to pick up half the tab on outings, but it was probably just me having only been married a short time and not know how DH''s family is like. We just got married, and yes, our financial situatoin was not prime back then, so it did take us by surprise. Now this year, its not a big deal (I 100% know and expect to pay for half , even for part of the other siblings that go, since they don''t have the funds- which I know FIL will ask them too (his own kids that are struggling)), but I''m in the camp if that I invite people on an outing that I expect to pay. But I''m more concerned that this is family.

 

[atroop711]

what I dislike is my husbands family inviting us out and expecting my husband to pay since they think he''s rich (don''t I wish). Last yr his niece called and said please come over..having a food and cake for my mother''s (dh sister) bday. My husband went with the kid (I was on bed rest) and there was no food for her guest. She said we have to order the food. When the delivery came...she asked my husband to pay. What was he going to do? Our 2 daughters were there and hungry. So were other 10 ppl she had invited.

My MIL always made her kids work (dh starting working at 12yr old) and give her money toward "rent" (which she used to buy cigs, play bingo and go to Altantic City)...ohh this all angers me when I think about it.

sorry to go off topic..but the thread made me think of this

 

[D&T]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:14:15 PM
Author: lucyandroger
SO and I make more money than both of our sets of parents. SO's parents absolutely refuse to let us pay for anything. My mom pays about half the time and we pay half the time. We see my dad less but he always pays.

MY SO feels strongly that parents should always pay so when we're parents, I assume that that's how we'll handle it. As long as the children are gracious and not taking advantage, I don't have a problem with it.

I guess since it's my mom, I see her point of view. We make a good living so I'm not sure why she should have to pay for our meals, hotel, gas money, etc.

None of the kids take advantage of him, FIL has kinda stopped taking parenting seriously after the divorce, all the kids but one have had to raised themselves since they were in their mid teens. But now that everyone is in their 20s or older (adult now) he's more in their lives. Interesting thing is that the FIL, Aunt, and Uncle (DHs) still ask and take money from the Mom (grandma of DH) to fund everything, which irritates me more becuase I know their situation.

ETA: the step mom is even worst, she will take from us, but not her own kids?

 

[brightlight]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:17:35 PM
Author: D&T
we actually brought food for everyone, we usually do try to pick up half the tab on outings, but it was probably just me having only been married a short time and not know how DH''s family is like. We just got married, and yes, our financial situatoin was not prime back then, so it did take us by surprise. Now this year, its not a big deal (I 100% know and expect to pay for half , even for part of the other siblings that go, since they don''t have the funds- which I know FIL will ask them too (his own kids that are struggling)), but I''m in the camp if that I invite people on an outing that I expect to pay. But I''m more concerned that this is family.

Maybe they view their kids more as equals than as kids now that they''re adults. For example, when we go out with friends for a movie or go on a trip with friends, we all pay for ourselves and wouldn''t expect the person who did the inviting to pay.

On a certain level, I respect that your husband''s parents expect their children to be self-sufficient.

 

[brightlight]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:23:56 PM
Author: D&T

Date: 7/19/2009 1:14:15 PM
Author: lucyandroger
SO and I make more money than both of our sets of parents. SO''s parents absolutely refuse to let us pay for anything. My mom pays about half the time and we pay half the time. We see my dad less but he always pays.

MY SO feels strongly that parents should always pay so when we''re parents, I assume that that''s how we''ll handle it. As long as the children are gracious and not taking advantage, I don''t have a problem with it.

I guess since it''s my mom, I see her point of view. We make a good living so I''m not sure why she should have to pay for our meals, hotel, gas money, etc.

None of the kids take advantage of him, FIL has kinda stopped taking parenting seriously after the divorce, all the kids but one have had to raised themselves since they were in their mid teens. But now that everyone is in their 20s or older (adult now) he''s more in their lives. Interesting thing is that the FIL, Aunt, and Uncle (DHs) still ask and take money from the Mom (grandma of DH) to fund everything, which irritates me more becuase I know their situation.

ETA: the step mom is even worst, she will take from us, but not her own kids?

Oh, I can see now that this is more complicated than I originally thought. How is your husband''s mother?

 

[D&T]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:26:01 PM
Author: brightlight

Maybe they view their kids more as equals than as kids now that they''re adults. For example, when we go out with friends for a movie or go on a trip with friends, we all pay for ourselves and wouldn''t expect the person who did the inviting to pay.

On a certain level, I respect that your husband''s parents expect their children to be self-sufficient.

Maybe its just certain outings... I''m not sure why I feel this was annoying for this boat trip? but movies (we pay ourselves -unless we invited a family member that are limited in funds, and we pay for them as well) and dinners, we do split the check and many times we pick up the checks

 

[brightlight]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:23:56 PM
Author: D&T

Date: 7/19/2009 1:14:15 PM
Author: lucyandroger
SO and I make more money than both of our sets of parents. SO''s parents absolutely refuse to let us pay for anything. My mom pays about half the time and we pay half the time. We see my dad less but he always pays.

MY SO feels strongly that parents should always pay so when we''re parents, I assume that that''s how we''ll handle it. As long as the children are gracious and not taking advantage, I don''t have a problem with it.

I guess since it''s my mom, I see her point of view. We make a good living so I''m not sure why she should have to pay for our meals, hotel, gas money, etc.

None of the kids take advantage of him, FIL has kinda stopped taking parenting seriously after the divorce, all the kids but one have had to raised themselves since they were in their mid teens. But now that everyone is in their 20s or older (adult now) he''s more in their lives. Interesting thing is that the FIL, Aunt, and Uncle (DHs) still ask and take money from the Mom (grandma of DH) to fund everything, which irritates me more becuase I know their situation.

ETA: the step mom is even worst, she will take from us, but not her own kids?

Maybe the reason he expects his own children to pay is b/c he really doesn''t have much money himself since he''s still taking money from his mom.

 

[D&T]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:28:38 PM
Author: brightlight

Oh, I can see now that this is more complicated than I originally thought. How is your husband''s mother?

Same

She once asked my SIL to host an event for a cousing of theirs and SIL asked MIL for a little bit of help to pay for the food cost. MIL said she didn''t have any, but went off to buy a $1200 patio set for a backyard that she hardly have any room for? just strange

 

[brightlight]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:32:41 PM
Author: D&T

Date: 7/19/2009 1:28:38 PM
Author: brightlight

Oh, I can see now that this is more complicated than I originally thought. How is your husband''s mother?

Same

She once asked my SIL to host an event for a cousing of theirs and SIL asked MIL for a little bit of help to pay for the food cost. MIL said she didn''t have any, but went off to buy a $1200 patio set for a backyard that she hardly have any room for? just strange

Hmmmmmm ... maybe it''s a cultural thing. I know in some cultures, when the kids reach adulthood, the roles reverse and it''s expected that they take care of the parents regardless of how wealthy the parents are. Although, I guess this wouldn''t explain your FIL and his siblings still taking money from their mother.

 

[decodelighted]

I'm of two minds about it. I think that there should be a "pot luck" option for big, expensive trips. Like sometimes there's a dinner party but sometimes there's a pot-luck dinner where people know in advance they'll be contributing.

If you guys were thinking of going to Italy as a family would you expect them to pay for everyone? As adults there's a difference between "inviting" .. like I invite you to my house for dinner ... or "proposing" like - would anyone else be up for a trip to Disneyland? In the first "inviting" scenario you wouldn't expect a per head admission charge when you arrived, but you'd probably offer to bring something & even if not asked to bring anything -- you'd show up with a bottle of wine or "hostess" gift. I try NEVER to go places empty handed. ALWAYS bring at least a token offering for someone's hospitality. In scenario #2 I'd assume that everyone was paying for themselves & its not so much of an "invitation" as it is a joint outing. No one is "the host" ... but one person has to come up with the idea ... they are more of a "coordinator" or "ringleader" than HOST.

I think if I was a parent I'd start to resent the automatic implication that I'd have to pay to visit with my kids. That if I had the idea to have a get together I'd better be able to back it up with all the cash necessary to pull it off w/o anyone offering to pay???? Yikes! Even families where there is such an understanding ... I think it would be KIND to continue to offer to pay your own way. Circumstances CHANGE and whereas parents who might have always been able to pay comfortably may suddenly NOT be able to ... yet don't want to make a scene or stop seeing their kids/inviting their kids. Graciousness and common courtesy and compassion are TWO WAY STREETS. Regardless of the parent/child dynamic. (JMHO).

 

[D&T]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:30:50 PM
Author: brightlight

Date: 7/19/2009 1:23:56 PM
Author: D&T

None of the kids take advantage of him, FIL has kinda stopped taking parenting seriously after the divorce, all the kids but one have had to raised themselves since they were in their mid teens. But now that everyone is in their 20s or older (adult now) he''s more in their lives. Interesting thing is that the FIL, Aunt, and Uncle (DHs) still ask and take money from the Mom (grandma of DH) to fund everything, which irritates me more becuase I know their situation.

ETA: the step mom is even worst, she will take from us, but not her own kids?

Maybe the reason he expects his own children to pay is b/c he really doesn''t have much money himself since he''s still taking money from his mom.

I''m sure it''s part of it, but then again, they blow the money they get way too fast and too easily. Oh well but going back, I still would not take from my kids.

 

[LilyKat]

D&T, knowing more about the situation now, I agree that it doesn''t seem right to ask your kids to pay if they are struggling financially AND you invited them. I would have been taken aback too.

 

[*Danielle*]

My parents ALWAYS ask me for money when we go out. And they are almost always the asking party. My mother expects us to pay for her and has asked to borrow money on several occasions. Because of her lifestyle I refuse.

My boyfriends parents HATE when we even offer. I think I got away with popcorn and sodas at the movies once, but that is it.

 

[D&T]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:35:59 PM
Author: decodelighted
I''m of two minds about it. I think that there should be a ''pot luck'' option for big, expensive trips. Like sometimes there''s a dinner party but sometimes there''s a pot-luck dinner where people know in advance they''ll be contributing.

If you guys were thinking of going to Italy as a family would you expect them to pay for everyone? As adults there''s a difference between ''inviting'' .. like I invite you to my house for dinner ... or ''proposing'' like - would anyone else be up for a trip to Disneyland? In the first ''inviting'' scenario you wouldn''t expect a per head admission charge when you arrived, but you''d probably offer to bring something & even if not asked to bring anything -- you''d show up with a bottle of wine or ''hostess'' gift. I try NEVER to go places empty handed. ALWAYS bring at least a token offering for someone''s hospitality. In scenario #2 I''d assume that everyone was paying for themselves & its not so much of an ''invitation'' as it is a joint outing. No one is ''the host'' ... but one person has to come up with the idea ... they are more of a ''coordinator'' or ''ringleader'' than HOST.

I think if I was a parent I''d start to resent the automatic implication that I''d have to pay to visit with my kids. That if I had the idea to have a get together I''d better be able to back it up with all the cash necessary to pull it off w/o anyone offering to pay???? Yikes! Even families where there is such an understanding ... I think it would be KIND to continue to offer to pay your own way. Circumstances CHANGE and whereas parents who might have always been able to pay comfortably may suddenly NOT be able to ... yet don''t want to make a scene or stop seeing their kids/inviting their kids. Graciousness and common courtesy and compassion are TWO WAY STREETS. Regardless of the parent/child dynamic. (JMHO).

I can totally see this, interesting, we are going to Disneyland in a couple of months as we''re meeting up with my sibling and her kids, and both will be paying their own way. Maybe it was just my expectations of how a parent/child relationship "should" be like. Yes, correct on the red highlighted portion as well, and I''ll just think of it more along that line.

 

[brightlight]

We're actually at the point where we feel guilty letting our parents pay as often as they do.

I think at a certain point the relationship between parents and children becomes more reciprocal financially, and I think it's ok for parents to let their children pay. I think of it more as gift giving.

 

[upgrade]

My parents always pay and would never, ever take money from us for anything. In fact, we took my mother out for her birthday and had to fight for the cheque! I feel bad about it because we make more money than they do, but she insists.

My in laws will split cheques with us. We often order take out with them and we pay half the bill. I don't mind at all. I think it would be really awkward though if we were travelling with them and they approached us for cash. That being said we would offer some, but to be asked would be uncomfortable.

I too was raised to believe that the inviter pays the bill.

ETA: When my kids are grown, I expect that I'll always pay the bill unless my financial situation at that time dictates otherwise.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/19/2009 2:19:12 PM
Author: upgrade
When my kids are grown, I expect that I''ll always pay the bill unless my financial situation at that time dictates otherwise.

What if you have six kids, who all marry & have kids of their own. That''s the case for *my* parents actually. I imagine it would be financially CRUSHING to have to pay for every family gathering or anytime they shared a meal w/everyone.

I think most folks perceptions will change about this as their parents age. When you are taking over their finances FOR them, and helping decide where they''ll live out their remaining years. Challenge your assumptions about what your parents would *actually* like or can *actually* afford. Sometimes its hard for them to accept the change of dynamics over the years & may resist accepting help or ceasing to pay automatically -- but as a kind adult child with THEIR best interests at heart (rather than your own) ... you CAN help them feel okay about sharing financial responsibility in regards to trips & dinners etc. Ultimately they probably want you to be able to pay your own way -- be financially independant ... be able to live without them. That gives parents a different, more lasting peace than the "quick heroin hit" of paying in the moment & feeling valuable & needed still.

Just my thoughts. I''m not a parent myself. But I am getting old enough to see my parents in a different way ... as people who will *require* care as opposed to being the ones to provide it.