If you were a parent - would you ask your kids to pay?

[brightlight]

Date: 7/19/2009 2:29:23 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/19/2009 2:19:12 PM
Author: upgrade
When my kids are grown, I expect that I'll always pay the bill unless my financial situation at that time dictates otherwise.

What if you have six kids, who all marry & have kids of their own. That's the case for *my* parents actually. I imagine it would be financially CRUSHING to have to pay for every family gathering or anytime they shared a meal w/everyone.

I think most folks perceptions will change about this as their parents age. When you are taking over their finances FOR them, and helping decide where they'll live out their remaining years. Challenge your assumptions about what your parents would *actually* like or can *actually* afford. Sometimes its hard for them to accept the change of dynamics over the years & may resist accepting help or ceasing to pay automatically -- but as a kind adult child with THEIR best interests at heart (rather than your own) ... you CAN help them feel okay about sharing financial responsibility in regards to trips & dinners etc. Ultimately they probably want you to be able to pay your own way -- be financially independant ... be able to live without them. That gives parents a different, more lasting peace than the 'quick heroin hit' of paying in the moment & feeling valuable & needed still.

Just my thoughts. I'm not a parent myself. But I am getting old enough to see my parents in a different way ... as people who will *require* care as opposed to being the ones to provide it.

I agree. Think about when you're in your 50s, your parents are in their 80s, and your children are in their 20s.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

My parents would NEVER ask but they are insanely generous but ILs would *expect* it.

I know how annoying it can be. Families are all different which I remind myself on a daily basis when I am hanging out with the ILs. I hope DH and I are in the financial position where we can be generous with our children.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:35:59 PM
Author: decodelighted
I''m of two minds about it. I think that there should be a ''pot luck'' option for big, expensive trips. Like sometimes there''s a dinner party but sometimes there''s a pot-luck dinner where people know in advance they''ll be contributing.


If you guys were thinking of going to Italy as a family would you expect them to pay for everyone? As adults there''s a difference between ''inviting'' .. like I invite you to my house for dinner ... or ''proposing'' like - would anyone else be up for a trip to Disneyland? In the first ''inviting'' scenario you wouldn''t expect a per head admission charge when you arrived, but you''d probably offer to bring something & even if not asked to bring anything -- you''d show up with a bottle of wine or ''hostess'' gift. I try NEVER to go places empty handed. ALWAYS bring at least a token offering for someone''s hospitality. In scenario #2 I''d assume that everyone was paying for themselves & its not so much of an ''invitation'' as it is a joint outing. No one is ''the host'' ... but one person has to come up with the idea ... they are more of a ''coordinator'' or ''ringleader'' than HOST.


I think if I was a parent I''d start to resent the automatic implication that I''d have to pay to visit with my kids. That if I had the idea to have a get together I''d better be able to back it up with all the cash necessary to pull it off w/o anyone offering to pay???? Yikes! Even families where there is such an understanding ... I think it would be KIND to continue to offer to pay your own way. Circumstances CHANGE and whereas parents who might have always been able to pay comfortably may suddenly NOT be able to ... yet don''t want to make a scene or stop seeing their kids/inviting their kids. Graciousness and common courtesy and compassion are TWO WAY STREETS. Regardless of the parent/child dynamic. (JMHO).

As always, spot on Miss Deco!!!

 

[CJ2008]

Date: 7/19/2009 1:01:18 PM
Author: MC

Date: 7/19/2009 12:58:28 PM
Author: LilyKat
Hmm. My parents wouldn''t ask for money, but I see that as being a generous action on their part, rather than something I would take for granted. If they did ask me to contribute towards a trip or for food, I''d happily do so and not have a problem with it. It would only be if they expected me to pay for them too that I''d find it odd.

I feel that adult children who are earning and have their own household should be willing to pay their own way. It''s different if they are still at school/college. Just my opinion.

2nd. Adult children should pay their own way!

Third...

Although we sometimes let our parents pay for things because I know it makes them feel good/happy. If it was up to them, we''d NEVER pay though.

 

[upgrade]

Date: 7/19/2009 2:38:20 PM
Author: brightlight

Date: 7/19/2009 2:29:23 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/19/2009 2:19:12 PM
Author: upgrade
When my kids are grown, I expect that I''ll always pay the bill unless my financial situation at that time dictates otherwise.

What if you have six kids, who all marry & have kids of their own. That''s the case for *my* parents actually. I imagine it would be financially CRUSHING to have to pay for every family gathering or anytime they shared a meal w/everyone.

I think most folks perceptions will change about this as their parents age. When you are taking over their finances FOR them, and helping decide where they''ll live out their remaining years. Challenge your assumptions about what your parents would *actually* like or can *actually* afford. Sometimes its hard for them to accept the change of dynamics over the years & may resist accepting help or ceasing to pay automatically -- but as a kind adult child with THEIR best interests at heart (rather than your own) ... you CAN help them feel okay about sharing financial responsibility in regards to trips & dinners etc. Ultimately they probably want you to be able to pay your own way -- be financially independant ... be able to live without them. That gives parents a different, more lasting peace than the ''quick heroin hit'' of paying in the moment & feeling valuable & needed still.

Just my thoughts. I''m not a parent myself. But I am getting old enough to see my parents in a different way ... as people who will *require* care as opposed to being the ones to provide it.

I agree. Think about when you''re in your 50s, your parents are in their 80s, and your children are in their 20s.

I have 2 kids and am taking surgical steps to ensure it stays that way! My parents, however, do have 6 kids, 3 of whom are married with children of their own. That''s why I feel bad when they pay- I certainly don''t expect it and I am financially independant. I own my own home and my husband and I are more than capable of taking care of our own expenses. We do consider what our parents are *actually* able to afford. In our case, it makes them happy to pay- it''s important to them and it makes them feel good. They''ve already told us not to expect much in the way of an inheritance because they''re using it all! That makes me happy- I''d rather see them enjoy it than leave it to us anyway. We are all responsible for our own financial futures. We have family meals together a couple of times a month (ALL of us) and the meals are almost always at their house, provided by them. We don''t usually go out as a big group because it''s just too many people. When we do go out with them it''s usually the parents and one set of kids/spouses/grandkids. I do consider myself a kind adult child and I do have their best interests at heart. I would be happy to pay my share but it would be insulting to them. Don''t be so quick to judge- just because they pay doesn''t make me a greedy, selfish adult child. You don''t know the details of our situation.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

My parents would never ask, nor would they let us; however, they would and do appreciate us offering to pick up our share or the entire tab. The closest we''ve ever gotten to paying for dinner is dutch and that was after a great deal of ''discussion.''

 

[purrfectpear]

It''s not that hard to say no. My parents continually attempt to pick up the bill for dinners, movies, antique fairs, etc.

...and I just firmly say no thank you. Their job was to provide well for me until I was an adult. I''m sure it would "make them happy" to pick up the bill, but part of being an adult and having them recognize that their children are grown is to realize that adults pay their own way. They are welcome to give me presents on my birthday, or Christmas, or leave it in an inheritance, but I pick up my own tabs. To me, this became especially true when you said "as a mother myself". When you decided you were ready for the responsibility of parenthood, you ceased being a child. As an example, when I was a single mother my father was my daycare. I made sure I paid the market rate. They didn''t need the money and we had quite a discussion about it, but I felt it was the right thing to do. I guess I''m surprised that you were surprised that the adult in laws expected the adults with them to share in expenses? You aren''t their "children" any longer. If anything, I try to gift them with luxuries I know they won''t treat themselves to.

 

[Haven]

My mother never asks us to pay if she invites us to go somewhere with her. I go out with my mom enough that we''re on the same system I use with my close friends--when it''s the two of us we alternate who pays. I think it evens out in the end.

My father does this very uncomfortable thing where he waits for us to take out the money to contribute, then says something like "Well, I guess I should pay since I invited you out" but then waits for DH to say "No, here, we''d like to contribute." He always accepts the cash immediately, and the one time DH said "Well thank you, that''s very nice" after my father said he''d pay, my dad waffled a bit and made it clear he didn''t really want to pay.

DH''s father would never accept money from us for anything, it doesn''t matter if he invites us out or not.

We are constantly entertaining and having our family over to our house, so we treat them to many, many meals. I think that adult children should pay their way, unless the parents *want* to treat.

I don''t know if I''ll ask my kids to pay. We haven''t had any yet, so I don''t know them.

 

[elle_chris]

I think it depnds on your family dynamics and finances and there really is no wrong or right way of doing it.

I''ve said this before in another thread, but if going out to eat with my parents, there''s just no way I can pick up the bill without a huge fight from my father. I''ve tried over and over and just gave up. I''ve realized it makes my parents happy knowing they can once in a while do little things for me and my husband (i''m also an only child). So we just say thank you. My mom also has a habit of trying to give me money even though she knows perfectly well we don''t need it. It''s just her way and for some odd reason, makes her feel good. Not accepting things from my parents is insulting to them. They get the impression i don''t need them. No matter what i say or do, I can''t change the way they think. So while i still don''t accept cash, i will accept the occasional gift for no reason as it seems to keep everyone happy.

We don''t have children yet (and maybe not ever), but if i do, i can see being the same way as my parents. I don''t think there''s anything wrong with it and it was just the way i was brought up.

 

[Haven]

I agree with Purrfectpear. Adults shouldn''t expect anyone to pay for them, and it is pretty easy to pay your share even when they try to refuse to accept it.

We also make sure that we understand what we''re getting ourselves into when we go on trips with family, especially if someone else is making the accommodations arrangements. We always ask what the trip will cost, how much for travel and lodging, etc. That way, we make it clear that we expect to pay for ourselves. DH''s father always says "Don''t worry about it" but for trips, we don''t like to have any strings attached so we insist on paying.

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 7/19/2009 4:39:00 PM
Author: Haven
I agree with Purrfectpear. Adults shouldn''t expect anyone to pay for them, and it is pretty easy to pay your share even when they try to refuse to accept it.

We also make sure that we understand what we''re getting ourselves into when we go on trips with family, especially if someone else is making the accommodations arrangements. We always ask what the trip will cost, how much for travel and lodging, etc. That way, we make it clear that we expect to pay for ourselves. DH''s father always says ''Don''t worry about it'' but for trips, we don''t like to have any strings attached so we insist on paying.

lol.. not true.

my husband once ran over to the waiter and gave him our card before my dad had a chance to pay. He wouldn''t talk to us for almost a month. i think it''s just part of my culture.

 

[diamondringlover]

My parents never ask for money for anything we do together, my hubbys parents different story, his mom is so tight with money she sweaks, lol, example, she use to go and buy us something for Christmas and if she spent to much money on it, she would expect us to pay her some money and yes she would do that without asking us ahead of time

she drives me batty

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 7/19/2009 3:27:57 PM
Author: upgrade
I do consider myself a kind adult child and I do have their best interests at heart. I would be happy to pay my share but it would be insulting to them. Don''t be so quick to judge- just because they pay doesn''t make me a greedy, selfish adult child. You don''t know the details of our situation.

Hi Upgrade,
I''m afraid I didn''t word my post the way I intended & now see how it came across directed at *you* personally, rather than "people who expect their parents to always pay" in *general*. I''m not judging you at all, much less thinking you greedy or selfish. Okay? Apologies outgoing ...

 

[neatfreak]

If it were a child just getting their adult footing (i.e., college age) or my child who didn''t make a lot of money I would of course expect to pay. But if my parents invited us somewhere now I wouldn''t automatically assume we wouldn''t pay.

But if I were the parent I would most likely pay anyway.

 

[LadyBlue]

My parents always want to pay, but I feel so bad when they do, I will say no and tried to pay as much as I can. I will like to be in the point I always pay for check, since they had done so much for me, it''s the moment to give back.

I will never expect them to pay for me.

 

[D&T]

everyone has different situations and family dynamics. I for one personally will not ask my kids to pay for an outing or dinner that I for one asked them on. (DH says otherwise , he will pay for everything regardless if the kids ask us to hang out or dinners or whatever) But there is quite a difference in Asking and Expecting to pay. I am fine with paying if when asked, I also do pay and offer to pay for other stuff without being asked. I won't ask my children to go on a trip Expecting that they will pay or even in the hopes that they will offer to pay - I will pay, if that makes sense. I understand that now we are all adults and should be financially independent of our parents - which we are, but again, if it's just a small trip such as this boat trip still kinda peeves me yah know what I mean? It if were the other way around, We would be paying for the entire trip ourselves, as we had done the inviting. I think finances is quirky in family situations.

ETA: now if we were the type to always expect the parents to pay that would mean we would be taking advantage of them, however, its not the case - we don't expect them to pay for anything and everything (just was never communicated with us the ground rules for going I guess), just when maybe they invite us to these small gatherings that I'm just a bit at awwed.

 

[D2B]

Hmmm, this is really interesting to read..

For us, no we would always pay our way, sometimes one will shout the other as a treat, but generally we all pay our way no matter who invites who. the way I see it is this-, I am an adult and not their guest, I am family - I earn money, they are retired and need to watch their money.

When I was in Uni and starting out they paid for things more, but I am now self sufficient and if anything more financialy stable as I am earning money and they are retired and have to watch their savings to ensure all is well. As an adult if my firends as me out I dont expect them to pay for me, we pay our own way to the movies, dinner etc (unless it is a special occasions), to be honest I would feel funny if my elderly mother ( she would kill me if she heard that description

) was paying for her daughter in her 30''s. If anything it is a time for me to give back to her all she has done and spoil her sometimes, she helped when I was a teenager and later studying, now it is my turn to help her.

Of course if my parents where insanely rich or it was a cultural thing that is different.

 

[upgrade]

Date: 7/19/2009 5:03:41 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 7/19/2009 3:27:57 PM
Author: upgrade
I do consider myself a kind adult child and I do have their best interests at heart. I would be happy to pay my share but it would be insulting to them. Don''t be so quick to judge- just because they pay doesn''t make me a greedy, selfish adult child. You don''t know the details of our situation.

Hi Upgrade,
I''m afraid I didn''t word my post the way I intended & now see how it came across directed at *you* personally, rather than ''people who expect their parents to always pay'' in *general*. I''m not judging you at all, much less thinking you greedy or selfish. Okay? Apologies outgoing ...

Thank you Deco- I did take it as being directed at me personally, but knowing that you meant it as a general statement, it does read differently.

 

[packrat]

W/my parents, it depends. If I can give JD the raised eyebrow/head jerk towards the bill when it''s coming, he''ll intercept it, and they''ll let us. If they get the bill, we offer to pay our share-sometimes mom agrees, sometimes she has us leave the tip. Sometimes Dad leaves to have a cigarette and pays on the way and we don''t realize it until they''re packing up to leave and we''re like uh hello, is this a dine and dash or what? Sometimes they''re generous as all get out, and other times mom''s got her calculator out, figuring how much of the tax is ours, to the penny. Mostly I think it depends how we''ll they''re doing at the casino when they go.

 

[pennquaker09]

Ironically, we''re on vacation with my parents now and they invited us. My father never lets us pay. That''s just how he is. He doesn''t even like it when we buy them gifts. But he''s always wanting to do stuff for us. He even tried to pay for our plane tickets and everything.

Nate''s parents are the same way, when they invite us, they insist on paying.

 

[MonkeyPie]

My parents never outright ask - because I always give it without question. I know they have very little money, and so we try to help out as much as possible for dinners and such. My brother does, too. But we were raised that way.

 

[musey]

No, I don''t think that I would (and our parents never do - which doesn''t mean we never pitch in, but it''s always our prerogative). My friends and family never really outright ask others to pitch in, everyone just offers.

 

[tigian]

When my DH and I are out with my dad, he always pays although we offer. My DH and I always try to pay for my mom although she doesn''t expect it and would never ask. The reason being that I make more money than my parents at this point and can afford to treat them. They supported me all through childhood and college and I am more than happy to show my appreciation. It also makes them proud that their children are doing well enough to consider taking care of them. I really think it all depends on the situation.

 

[anchor31]

If my parents invite us to eat out, they''ll pay for it. It''s the way they raised us... You invite, you pay. My in-laws don''t, though. It''s always "you pay your own stuff", they won''t even run a 5$ errand without asking for money back. Everyone has their own way of doing things, I suppose...

 

[TravelingGal]

My mother would never ask me to pay, and since I became an adult, I always insisted on paying. Plus my mom lives off social security now. I''d be a serious nutjob if I let her pay for anything!

As a parent, I''d be the same as my mom. I''d want to pay. But honestly, if my kids never offered to pay and let me pay all the time, I''d have to wonder if I raised them wrong!

 

[Lilac]

Date: 7/19/2009 3:00:55 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
My parents would NEVER ask but they are insanely generous but ILs would *expect* it.

I know how annoying it can be. Families are all different which I remind myself on a daily basis when I am hanging out with the ILs. I hope DH and I are in the financial position where we can be generous with our children.

Same for me. My parents never ever ask and are unbelievably generous but DH''s parents expect us to pay for things that don''t even have to do with us sometimes. His parents are always looking to make the most for themselves, even at the expense of their children. (DH wants to sell his old car, which he paid his father for several years ago to buy it off of him. DH has put thousands of dollars into repairing the car and fixing it so it would work again, and his parents contributed nothing at all. Now his father wants the car for his other son, and doesn''t want to let DH sell it. It''s almost like FIL "forgot" about all the money DH gave him for it a few years ago and all the money DH has put into it to keep it running, and he says the car was his to begin with so he has the right to take it for his other son now.)

DH made me a surprise party for my birthday with just my parents/family. He invited my parents and everyone and when the check came at the end of dinner, he took out his wallet with his credit card. My father wouldn''t hear of it. Not only did he pay for my husband and me, he paid for my mother (the woman he is divorced from and doesn''t have a great relationship with) - my father wanted to pay for the whole thing. My parents argued about who would pay and my husband wanted to at the VERY least pay for him and me! My father ended up paying for the whole thing. DH took out cash and gave it to my father, and my father said thank you, took out some more cash, added it to the bills DH had given him, and turned to me and handed it all right back to me and said, "happy birthday."

Sometimes even when we REALLY want to pay and contribute, my parents will absolutely refuse and find ways to give us back the money or not take it at all. They know at this point in our lives we need it more than they do, and I appreciate that very much (but still try to pay

) and hopefully in a few years from now when we are more financially comfortable they will let us help out more

.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 7/20/2009 11:48:56 AM
Author: TravelingGal
My mother would never ask me to pay, and since I became an adult, I always insisted on paying. Plus my mom lives off social security now. I''d be a serious nutjob if I let her pay for anything!


As a parent, I''d be the same as my mom. I''d want to pay. But honestly, if my kids never offered to pay and let me pay all the time, I''d have to wonder if I raised them wrong!

Totally agree with you.