If you don't like the engagement ring?

[Circe]

The chain store wanted in the neighborhood of 34k fpr something originally quoted at 15k for whatever customizations she was asking for?!?!?

All emotional issues aside, they are being taken for a RIDE. Many of the chain stores *can* call in GiA stones or branded ideal cuts: getting one of those in the simplest setting possible and upgrading with an independent designer as a wedding/baby/anniversary present might be the beat way to keep from overspending hideously.

On the emotional side ... I'm a big believer in people being allowed to express their preferences about presents. Even engagement rings. Perhaps ESPECIALLY engagement rings - you were it day in day out for at least the period if the engagement: that makes it waaaaaay more important than the dress or the honeymoon destination or whatever, at least to me.

Given the circumstances - they're already expecting a baby together, one way or another, they're linked for life - I do wonder if maybe the ring isn't acting as synecdoche for one of those awful couple fights? "You ALWAYS do X," "You never do Y!" You know, that sort of thing. If so - heck, even if not, with a baby and a wedding on the way - maybe going to a relationship counselor for some communication lessening might not be a bad suggestion?

That, and sending one of 'em over here for the physical ring stuff, once the thread is stricken .....

 

[motownmama]

Um - I understand that not every pregnant gal gets married (nor should they), but how exactly would this be a "surprise" engagement? Once you're in that situation you would have to at least DISCUSS your future, next-steps, whatever they may be. I'm guessing that there is more to this - if work and drinking buddies are the priority, then perhaps your cousin really wanted to have concrete evidence that SHE was becoming his priority - and choosing a ring that doesn't suit her feels hurtful within that context.

I have to admit that originally I was seeing this through my own lens, given the paucity of details about these people - and felt that if you really loved the guy you would accept the ring. Also, asking if a person wants to be surprised kinda takes a big chunk of the "surprise" out of the surprise. My DH did the total surprise thingy - and it was amazing and blew me away; however, I can certainly see gals not wanting that. At the end of the day the only thing that matters is the strength of the marriage.

 

[partgypsy]

Being the pragmatist, I would advise seeing what she liked at "Jareds" that she liked more, for the same amount of money (exchange for exchange) or only a difference of a thousand or so. She may not be able to get EVERYTHING she wants for that price, but at least she has the option of getting something more in line with her preferences. Obviously if it was within the return window there would be other options, but I think she should be realistic not being able to do a return, with a baby coming on the way.

And there are always anniversary rings...

 

[Laila619]

If she doesn't like it, she should tell him nicely. And exchange it for something she does like.

As someone who did not like my engagement ring, but stuffed my feelings and didn't have the guts to bring it up to my DH, I would not ever advise anyone to just keep quiet. All that does is cause resentment.

 

[Dancing Fire]

If you don't like the e-ring, say no.
Don't marry the guy.

 

[msop04]

If she doesn't like it, she should tell him nicely. And exchange it for something she does like.

As someone who did not like my engagement ring, but stuffed my feelings and didn't have the guts to bring it up to my DH, I would not ever advise anyone to just keep quiet. All that does is cause resentment.

I agree with Laila... if she is unhappy to the point of not wearing it, then her FI should understand and agree to switch it out for something more her taste. As long as it's the same price range, I don't see what it would hurt.

If the dude is still insistant that she not change it, then the issue may go a lot further than "just a ring." If this is the case, it would appear that either A) he doesn't care about her feelings, B) this is a control issue, or C) both.

 

[VRBeauty]

If she doesn't like it, she should tell him nicely. And exchange it for something she does like.

As someone who did not like my engagement ring, but stuffed my feelings and didn't have the guts to bring it up to my DH, I would not ever advise anyone to just keep quiet. All that does is cause resentment.

I agree with Laila... if she is unhappy to the point of not wearing it, then her FI should understand and agree to switch it out for something more her taste. As long as it's the same price range, I don't see what it would hurt.

If the dude is still insistant that she not change it, then the issue may go a lot further than "just a ring." If this is the case, it would appear that either A) he doesn't care about her feelings, B) this is a control issue, or C) both.

Ditto all of the above... find something at Jareds, in the same price range. However, you have to take the possibility of very hurt feelings into account in the list of options.

I hope the couple is able to work something out.

 

[missy]

If the couple in question have a solid relationship complete with good communication this is but a blip on the relationship radar IMO. Not so huge a problem that it cannot be successfully resolved.

When my dh proposed (complete surprise and no discussion of wedding rings had ever taken place) the ring was beautiful but not the "one". Ofc I didn't know what my dream ring would be at that time but that is not germane to this discussion. The point is I waited a day or 2 (cannot remember exactly as it happened a long time ago) and finally decided I had to come clean. I don't like keeping my feelings a secret. People cannot read your mind and resentment can breed and that can destroy a relationship. Honesty is usually the best way to go IMO.

I gently explained that I loved how he did this all as a total surprise (he knows me so well and that was truly the best way for him to propose to me no matter how that would not have been ideal for others) and how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I just didn't love the ring for me.

He was disappointed (at first) but after discussing it with complete honesty on both sides he totally understood and was 100% supportive in finding another. Unfortunately we took a loss because he bought the ring where there was no trade in or even return policy but since the ring was important to us we took the loss and moved on and forward.

There have been a few different rings since (I am a PSer after all lol) but I am finally wearing the ring of my dreams but so much more importantly I am with the man of my dreams. And that man is a man who is always supportive of me and my dreams as I am of him and his dreams and that is what it is all about. I have said this before and I will say it again-I would happily wear any ring (or no ring) if that was our financial situation as long as I get to spend the rest of my life with my dh.

Back to the question-while the ring is not important what is behind the ring is and a couple needs to be able to communicate because that is the foundation of a successful, happy and healthy relationship. No matter the issue big or small it is critical for a good marriage so I hope they can talk about this issue openly and without judgment and work towards a mutual happy resolution. Best of luck.

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

If the couple in question have a solid relationship complete with good communication this is but a blip on the relationship radar IMO. Not so huge a problem that it cannot be successfully resolved.

When my dh proposed (complete surprise and no discussion of wedding rings had ever taken place) the ring was beautiful but not the "one". Ofc I didn't know what my dream ring would be at that time but that is not germane to this discussion. The point is I waited a day or 2 (cannot remember exactly as it happened a long time ago) and finally decided I had to come clean. I don't like keeping my feelings a secret. People cannot read your mind and resentment can breed and that can destroy a relationship. Honesty is usually the best way to go IMO.

I gently explained that I loved how he did this all as a total surprise (he knows me so well and that was truly the best way for him to propose to me no matter how that would not have been ideal for others) and how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I just didn't love the ring for me.

He was disappointed (at first) but after discussing it with complete honesty on both sides he totally understood and was 100% supportive in finding another. Unfortunately we took a loss because he bought the ring where there was no trade in or even return policy but since the ring was important to us we took the loss and moved on and forward.

There have been a few different rings since (I am a PSer after all lol) but I am finally wearing the ring of my dreams but so much more importantly I am with the man of my dreams. And that man is a man who is always supportive of me and my dreams as I am of him and his dreams and that is what it is all about. I have said this before and I will say it again-I would happily wear any ring (or no ring) if that was our financial situation as long as I get to spend the rest of my life with my dh.

Back to the question-while the ring is not important what is behind the ring is and a couple needs to be able to communicate because that is the foundation of a successful, happy and healthy relationship. No matter the issue big or small it is critical for a good marriage so I hope they can talk about this issue openly and without judgment and work towards a mutual happy resolution. Best of luck.

That ^^^ exactly. I think we can get very caught up in what a ring means (been there), and while I agree that it is an important purchase, at the end of the day, it's just jewelry. Missy said the same thing to me when I was agonizing over how far apart SO and I were on the ring and it really made an impression and helped me put things in perspective. Would I still marry him with a plain band? Or was it the ring that really mattered to me? I think questions like that can make you look at your own feelings and the pressure you're putting on a piece of jewelry, when that maybe isn't at all what it's about. I guess I would encourage you to talk to your cousin and see if you can figure out what is behind her reaction. Maybe she just needs someone non-judgemental to vent to.

 

[bliss_cathy]

Again thanks so much for everyone's responses. I have read them all again, thank you

Theres three things I can see in summary:

1) my friendship with my cousin being affected, avoiding talking about the engagement/her fiancé. This hurt me a bit and I was extremely touched but the people who said I was being a good cousin. This makes me feel more confident i am doing the right thing and not pushing away a friendship. Also, understanding things more from her point of view on how she must be feeling has helped me understand why she would distance herself.

2) the ring. My cousin did say up front, she does not like it. Probably not with the same tact required, but nonetheless said her piece. The trouble began here, they were locked into a chain store like Jareds. I estimate the ring he picked to be in the 10-12k (just a guess). Her ideal ring, she got a quote from a luxury brand, of 24k, and Jareds quoted another 10k on top to 34k. They are being taken for a ride as someone commented. Now they are at a stalemate, her fiancé not moving forward, and my cousin just feeling hurt about the whole thing now communication has halted. As someone has touched on earlier they are both now hurt I think, and so need time. I suggested Jareds bringing in smaller rings and she has asked her fiancé to do this, but stalemate. So time can only help

3) them together, they are bonded now because of the baby, and no I do not think they spoke about rings. I think he simply surprised her. They don't communicate well, she told me she sees him once during the week. And during that time she gives him chores. There is other things going on, I don't want to know more about it as its between them and I don't want to be involved negatively.

No one can get involved in 3, I can offer advice on 2 as I am appalled Jareds equivalent would rip them off. However I can only broach that when time has passed and she is comfortable talking to me. They haven't communicated on the budget at this stage.

I think I will be supportive in her wanting to modify the ring, but really at the moment focus on supporting her and the baby.

This I think is the best to help then support their lifestyle and only they can figure out what is best for them.

Hopefully this touches on pretty much everyone's advice that has been given!

 

[LaraOnline]

I am sending your cousin good vibes.
Without wanting to speculate, she is in something of a difficult position - even the most straight forward romance has its own share of 'drama' and excitement and her fiance, by surprising her, was no doubt wishing to keep the romance burning. Good spirits are needed, on all sides!

Perhaps what is required now as a circuit breaker is a completely new take on the engagement ring. If budget is an issue, who says it 'must' be a colourless diamond? Perhaps a coloured stone is the order of the day?!

 

[swingirl]

Sometimes I think "the engagement" becomes more about jewelry than a marriage.

 

[partgypsy]

Is there something about their financial situation I don't know about. Does she see wanting a 24 thousand or 34K ring as reasonable?

 

[heididdl]

And this is why people should discuss whether they want to pick the ring together or whether the girl wants it to be a total surprise.

And this is the heart of the matter, isn't it?

In OP's cousin's situation I would be absolutely infuriated.
Not because of whatever happened with the ring itself, but because I would expect that my SO would know me well enough to recognise - and respect me enough to accept - that I'm the sort of person who would want to discuss all aspects of the engagement/marriage process, that I'm NOT the sort of person who would appreciate a "complete surprise" at all... and that includes expensive purchases like the engagement ring.

ETA: If she did tell him that she wanted a complete surprise and expected her SO to somehow read her mind wrt all the details, well, that's just lunacy, and it's on her.

On our first wedding anniversary my husband gave me pearl earrings with a small diamond on the bottom of each stud I have never ever worn them they are beautiful and the have sat in the box for 27 years now that is so sad. He never bought me another piece of jewelry on his own.

 

[LaraOnline]

Sometimes I think "the engagement" becomes more about jewelry than a marriage.

heheh modern couples leave the engagement so long down the track that the only thing left to consider is the jewellery!