If you don't like the engagement ring?

[bliss_cathy]

Imagine a boyfriend proposes and completely catches you buy surprise. My cousin recently was in this situation which made me wonder what the people on here would do. After the proposal she told her fiancé she did not like the ring. The ring is a 1.64 square cut diamond ring from Jareds. My cousin does not wear it. She said she wants large diamonds on the band as well and she wants a better quality diamond.

I do not think she is materialistic. I think she just doesn't like it, and I also think she is quite uneducated with diamonds so may not know how expensive they can be? She asked her fiancé to change it, which he said he would but keeps finding excuses.

Is this common? How would you support my cousin? Do I encourage her to like the ring he proposed with?

 

[wdfwguy]

I'd be pretty upset if my girlfriend told me she didn't like the ring I picked out and wanted something bigger/better

 

[swingirl]

She wants something bigger than a 1.64 ct stone? I couldn't support that attitude. I understand not liking someone else's taste in jewelry. But telling your fiancé to return it for bigger---that doesn't sound like a very nice way to handle an engagement gift.

 

[Candygrl]

I could see asking him to maybe exchange it for something more her taste, but not for something bigger. I think that it's probably a sore spot for her fiancé, and I'm sure his feelings have been hurt.

 

[bliss_cathy]

Her problem with the 1.64 isn't the size, it is the quality. So I think she would go smaller, but the jewellery store only showed them the better quality of the same stone. and i think there are visible spots in the stone. With the bigger part, it's only the band she wants diamonds bigger on, and she wants larger diamonds ie not little pave ones, only because she thinks it doesn't look right. At least that's how I interpret it because she said she doesn't like blingy.

I don't think it is a case of her wanting bigger and better.

 

[Candygrl]

Ah ok, well maybe if she just gently tells him that she loves his effort, but it's just not the right ring for her. Can she go to the store herself and talk to them about exchanging it?

 

[swingirl]

My mistake. She wants better quality. Has she any idea what the budget originally was? Sounds like they didn't communicate about the ring in the first place. I'll never understand the whole engagement ring thing with no input from the recipient/wearer. When I looked at rings there were many that I actually liked but didn't look good or were uncomfortable to wear.

Does jarads have a return policy? They should be shopping together, if she hasn't spoiled the moment too badly.

 

[The sun is shining]

Personally, I would like to know the quality before commenting.

However, I am impressed with her ability to tell him off the bat she doesn't like it; it would take guts. Whether her expectations are realistic is another thing.

If she is a gem aficionado surely he would know better...?

 

[bliss_cathy]

It's outside the return period, however they have been told they can exchange.

She went to a high end designer, where she saw a ring she liked, same size but better quality diamond, with diamonds on the band as well totalling 2.67 carat - this being what she wanted. This information was taken to the original jewellery shop and they quoted 150% more than the high end designer. The original quality, is H or I SI1, with eye visible inclusions, not sure what certificate.

ETA not a gem aficionado, I think that's part of how they are in the current situation due to lack of knowledge and jewellery stores preying on their lack of knowledge.

Also I should say, it is not Jareds, but a very similar chain store and Jareds was what I know people on PS could relate too.

 

[Acinom]

I hope she also showed her appreciation for finding her a ring that he thought was the perfect one. It's good that she is clear about her preference (now better then later), but he might be possibly hurt because of this situation. Also, he might not be willing or able to spend more money.

So, I would advice her to pick a ring together within budget (which might mean that she has to pick a smaller center stone). If he is sick an tired of the ring search, perhaps she can go to the store by herself (or with you) to pick a top 3 and then come back with her fiancee to select the perfect ring together.

 

[Tekate]

I am 60 so I am viewing this from being in my 20s in the 70s. but I was brought up with this adage: don't look a gift horse in the mouth.. that said my boyfriend (husband now) gave me a small ruby and diamond pendant when we first started going out, it was quite expensive for him at the time 500.00$ I was 32 and sort of went ballistic.. he was extremely hurt.. I was extremely embarrassed afterwards.. I just hated him being ripped off etc.. so my morale is.. she should have taken the diamond and at 5 years changed it out.. it's just a ring.. in the end... it is jewelry.. but he's hopefully a keeper for life.. that also said.. when Jared's first opened a store here in Austin TX I just Googled the name and checked out what was probably 1000s of unhappy, felt ripped off customers.. main issue: quality.. so she may have an inkling of this.. now the cat is out of the bag, she will have to work it through with him, because if he's the one and he's hurt it might take some time to resolve.. the ring is probably spoiled for him as well as her, maybe she could say.. I over reacted but I just don't like square diamonds.. I was shocked.. I love you.. can we go together and pick out something we both like? I love you.. etc... I guess it all depends on his reaction.. some guys would just go.. okay.. and some guys might look at the girl and wonder if she really is the person he thought she was.. in life we know it's not a biggie.. but getting engaged is a big deal when you are young.

 

[sparks1007]

Tekate - I couldn't have said it better myself. I agree 100% with all your comments. My husband bought me a beautiful engagement ring that didn't cost that much but was very pretty. Now after 3 years of marriage we're having a new ring made to mark this occasion. I would not have dreamt of rejecting the first ring. Even if I did think he had been ripped off-which I didn't by the way.

As he told it, it was something he saw that reminded him of me. I think you (well, your cousin) have to accept that the man in your life has his own opinions. If I were him I too would be very hurt.

 

[braga123]

I think that since an engagement ring is such an intimate gift, your friend has every right to feel disappointed with it, if it does not reflect her taste. She may be reflecting on how little he knows her, how little he knows her likes or dislikes, or how little he prepared himself to make such a major purchase (in this day and age, with all the resources available, especially).

While it's sweet that her fiance wanted to surprise her and did the work all himself, it is JUST A RING. She can thank him for his action of surprising her, say yes to the proposal, plan the wedding, but opt to swap out the ring while she still can. In fact, it can become a bonding project. The fact that she does not love the ring does not mean that she does not love him.

 

[distracts]

And this is why people should discuss whether they want to pick the ring together or whether the girl wants it to be a total surprise. If she's at all particular, which most people are, it's much better to pick it together!

 

[Niel]

I think if she is unhappy, she should be able to spend the amount he is comfortable in whatever she wants. The amount he originally spent.


I had a thread asking about this, if a man at any point gets the right to say "im not going to get you what you want I'm going to get you what I want. " and to a degree most people said no they don't. I'm still up in the air about how I feel.

If she had gotten like a D IF stone and she said she wanted a larger SI L, I don't think people would be saying shes spoiled or msterialistic, assuming she spends the same amount of money as the original ring. This is how I look at this situation. I'd have the guy return it. Tell her heres $X, buy whatever your heart desires. And if she can get bigger, great.

Plus a square, especially poorly cut, will look small. And I know if be uncomfortable if my husband to be essentially waisted money on a being I didn't like and wouldn't wear .

 

[yssie]

And this is why people should discuss whether they want to pick the ring together or whether the girl wants it to be a total surprise.

And this is the heart of the matter, isn't it?

In OP's cousin's situation I would be absolutely infuriated.
Not because of whatever happened with the ring itself, but because I would expect that my SO would know me well enough to recognise - and respect me enough to accept - that I'm the sort of person who would want to discuss all aspects of the engagement/marriage process, that I'm NOT the sort of person who would appreciate a "complete surprise" at all... and that includes expensive purchases like the engagement ring.

ETA: If she did tell him that she wanted a complete surprise and expected her SO to somehow read her mind wrt all the details, well, that's just lunacy, and it's on her.

 

[bliss_cathy]

I don't think they spoke about rings beforehand. She was surprised when I asked her if they did look together.

When I found out they were engaged I was really excited for them and looking forward to celebrating. I thought my cousin and I were close and after they announced their engagement I was so super excited to hear the details. When I spoke to her she did not seem to want to talk about it and I found it really awkward as I thought it was going to be such an exciting time. In my family I'm the first to get married and all things engagement and weddings make me giddy and gushy still. I didn't even find out first hand about her not liking the ring - she told my sister, as my sister knows I love jewellery she suggested my cousin speak to me, that was how I found out.

I don't want to judge their relationship at all and I certainly don't want to get involved in a negative way. I only wanted to help and support them on what seems to be a very complicated situation for them.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Too many guys are so into buying what THEY like and do not have regard for what the girl would really like, and she is the one wearing it for the next 50 years. When guys come here with no idea what the girl likes and cannot find out without spoiling the surprise, my recommendation is usually to get an ideal cut round in plain setting from a vendor with a good return policy and other kinds of well cut diamonds. That way, when the proposal happens, he can say that she has the option of keeping this ring or trading it in on a style she'd rather have. I got married long ago, too, at age 20, and we went to look at rings together. Then he surprised me when he was able to buy a ring. I still think that is the best case scenario because I cannot imagine a proposal happening without a couple discussing the possibility of marriage beforehand! At the very least, they need to listen to her comments as her friends get engaged (or talk to her best friend), etc. to try and determine preferences.

In this case, I'd have said how wonderful the ring is and how sweet of him it was to surprise me, etc., but I'd rather have a slightly smaller stone of better quality (or different shape) and could we consider exchanging the ring and choosing another together? And I agree totally with the person who said that she needs to make a trip alone first to narrow down what she wants before he goes in order to reduce the stress for him. (And tell her to come here to learn about well cut stones before committing to another diamond!!!)

 

[Tekate]

Hello Niel, back waaay back in the 60s and 70s girls had no input in their engagement ring.. most of the girls I knew who were engaged showed up with a ring and a lot of us in those days were surprised when our boyfriends showed up with a ring.. the reason I bring this up is maybe this young man has a mom my age and this is what he's heard his whole life or something like this.. now I have a 26 year old son that SHOULD be engaged but he's lazy and he's still in school .. he's been with his girlfriend for 7 years.. but he has no clue what she wants.. BUT I being stalker mom have stalked her PinInterest page and she has 4 engagement rings.. he knows I offered him the diamond studs his Dad gave me 26 years ago 1 each .55 RB VS2 E color stones.. so these stones are his to make a ring from.. if he wants them.. but I would suggest to him that he ask his girlfriend what she wants... I know today girls have a lot more input into their rings since many of them even help pay, this is a good time to be a young woman I think... Hopefully this couple will be able to find a ring that truly embodies their love and commitment together.. I wish that for them.

 

[bliss_cathy]

I think everyone here has said valid points and given good advice. I have thought about directing her to this website too, It may be important to hide this thread, as it would be embarrassing for her to read this.

It does seem like he made a large decision without a lot of research. It's an unusual situation that she feels so strongly against the ring and I feel sorry for her feeling like that. To be honest, the first time I saw her after the engagement she was so upset about the ring, that without even thinking I blurted out 'its just a ring!'. She was quite upset with me and said that she will be wearing it for life etc and she only gets one... I do wonder how compatible they are, but I am trying very hard not to think like that as its not my place to judge that at all.

I think the rest of us should feel so blessed to not be in this situation. I know personally I am extremely blessed to love my engagement ring and my husband and when I got engaged it was one of the happiest moments in my life. I was hoping it would be like this for her, and to be honest I have struggled with my friendship with her since they got engaged. She didn't even tell me the story of their engagement. Talking about anything to do with it is a sore topic. I just ask her about work, their dog etc. I want to help them get into celebratory mode and thought helping them move past the ring situation may help that.

 

[bgray]

Some disconnected thoughts:

Here in the US and in other parts of the world women are very much equals and in many instances want a say in the whole thing-ring wedding etc. In many cultures though, even here in the US, things are still a little old fashioned. Different religions, cultures etcetc. In many, a girl should be appreciative and just accept it for what it is and so forth.. totally not my style!!! I digress. This situation raises many questions in my mind: are your cousin and /or her fiance from different backgrounds? What are their incomes? How old are they? is it possible the fiances mother helped him with the ring and he doesn't want to offend her. A million possibilities for the strange dynamic run through my head hearing this story.

 

[kenny]

If you don't like the e-ring, say no.
Don't marry the guy.

 

[marcy]

I feel for both your cousin and her fiancé. You hate to see him spend a lot of money for such a special ring and then his fiancé not like it. I can see her point that if she really dislikes it she doesn't want to wear it. If he is really proud of it and surprising her then her dislike of the ring probably hurt his feelings. It's too late to change any of this but if I was her I'd set down with him, tell him how she feels and see what options he thinks they could pursue. I would tell him the ring just isn't my style and see if they could go shopping together and pick out something else. If it's out of the return period the store may want the new purchase to cost more.

 

[bliss_cathy]

I was also thinking - if it is 'just a ring', why do we contradict our judgement. We say the guy is more important than the ring, just accept it, however, if it is just a ring, what's the big deal if she says she doesn't like it? I agree there is something special about an engagement ring, in which case, should he have done more to get her what she wanted and researched it better?

I think he is very spontaneous whereas she is very particular.

Hmmmm, without wanting to disclose too much about their personal details. They are both from similar backgrounds. She probably has a fairly traditional upbringing, she would expect him to ask permission before marriage etc (in fact that caused some contention too). She is older than him by a few years. They are both adults, both working etc. They have investments but are not loaded.

He loves to drink and go out a lot and his work is his priority. She is the type of person to have different glassware for different occasions.
They also are having a baby and that is her priority. She is the responsible one, being older and being her personality.

I don't think they communicate awesomely. The quote on the second ring she wanted was $34 000. That's a huge amount of money. But they haven't talked budget or anything. I get the impression he does not think about how expensive buying a family home is, the wedding, the baby etc. I think his pride has stopped things progressing. I also think she may not be completly aware of his financial situation (not 100% sure, just a hunch).

I agree there are disconnects, I get a headache when I try to talk to her sometimes, I have to be so careful with what I say as well. I was so disappointed there wasn't a happy engagement party and couldn't understand.

As I said its affected out friendship, and I don't understand the best way to support her. I think that's why I came on here for advice.

 

[Polished]

It does seem like he made a large decision without a lot of research.

It which case it seems like a fairly natural consequence that the receiver might not like it. I'm strongly of the opinion that a woman shouldn't turn disappointment inwards to not "hurt" her fiance. In this situation the person who was supposed to be pleased and made to feel special becomes the one who is hurt and suffers a disapppointment made all the worse through having to bottle up and hide these feelings. I suspect the man wouldn't be as hurt as all that, that his ring plans didn't work out - piqued perhaps but hardly mortified - nothing a good footy match on the weekend with the lads wouldn't help get him over. Many a man has been perfectly happy once the woman has sorted the ring issue to her satisfaction and he then sees how happy she is with something she likes and that suits her finger.

I think it's great that an exchange is still possible. It would be a good idea to direct her here for some general advice. If you are concerned they may not be that compatible, it's even more important that she stands up for herself and has her personal preferences respected.

I wrote this before I read your last post bliss - didn't realise the ring was involving this amount of money. Relationships are complex. I'm still a believer in women being allowed to voice their preference with an engagement ring.

 

[sparks1007]

Sorry but I think there's more to this than the ring - according to your side of the story. In which case, I'm not sure that this is the best place to unpack these details and I certainly wouldn't direct her to this site unless this thread has been removed.

Even if you don't love the ring I think to hate it and start thinking of it as an indication of your relationship is a bit much. Some men are spontaneous and don't think about research into diamonds. I know my husband adores me but he thinks my research into diamonds is ridiculous and I don't think he'd have the patience. That's not a sign that he doesn't love me - it's just the ring would not be his priority. Am I? Yes. Does he see the ring as an extension of that? No. Does he see it as a symbol of his love for me? I doubt it. He sees the other things he does for me (that cost nothing) as a symbol of his love. As do I. Reading between the lines it sounds like perhaps he doesn't do other little things for her and doesn't always show his feelings in which case perhaps she projected a deeper meaning onto the ring than she should have.

I do agree with those of you who say that a discussion should be had if you know your partner is particular about jewellry but I also think that if a man proposes when she doesn't remotely expect it (I had no idea whatsoever) then that is extremely romantic and just as meaningful. How he does that is difficult without coming clean and asking for her direct opinion on a ring prior to purchasing.

 

[kb1gra]

My original e-ring (which, by the way, is beautiful-- I cannot argue with that) is definitely a reflection of my fiance. It is a style I sent him, but I honestly did not expect him to pick that one. However, I should have known, as it is the cleanest, most contemporary ring of all the styles I sent him, and that's who he is. He tried to give a nod to my vintage inclinations and set it with OECs-- but the ring is just not me, despite having input into it.

I don't hate it. I just don't love it, either. There's a lot of significance attached to an e-ring and he wasn't open to changing it. My solution was that I bought my own secondary ring that I wear sometimes to make myself happy. I know that isn't an option for everyone.

Some people are spontaneous (he is) and some are researchers (I am). He picked the one he liked the best, emailed the retailer, told the retailer that I liked "vintage stones" and 3 weeks later here shows up a ring. I myself could not spend the $5600ish that the setting cost (the diamond was mine, a family stone) cold like that, but he could. I know him and I know it took a lot for him to even spend that much.

You kind of have to know your guy. For mine, spending that money was a big gesture as he is a cheapskate unless it is a car for himself. The fact that he bought anything was a big statement. Therefore, I still wear this ring.

I'm rambling but it is so specific to the dynamics of your relationship. I don't know the parties involved. I do know that if I told him I WOULD NOT wear the ring this way, that he would be pretty hurt but probably eventually get me something I liked. I preferred not to do that to him and bought myself something I liked-- but I'm financially able to buy what I wanted to buy and simply not have it be my "engagement ring."

 

[bliss_cathy]

Thanks everyone for your replies, I have read all the responses. Sorry for not being able to copy all the posts I think were very insightful.

I think the point that the man will be over the moon happy when he sees his wife happy is very true and I do believe this.

To be honest, after reading people's replies I feel a lot more empathy for my cousin. For some reason having all these replies directed at me, with me asking the question, even though its not my personal situation I think I started to understand how she must be feeling and how complex her feelings must be at the moment. I think that's why she's been avoiding me and other people and there being no happy celebrations.

I think I will just support her if she comes to me for help again and just give them space. I think as the pp said, she may be overreacting a bit to the ring because she is upset about other things. In which case they need time. I think I will give them time and just be kind and supportive.

 

[LaraOnline]

Oh I hope your cousin and fiance resolves this satisfactorily, with no permanent hard feelings.

My sister was fairly recently surprised with a carefully designed ring, put together by her fiance.
She had no input and when she saw the ring she FLIPPED.
It was 'the best of everything', her man had designed every tiny details down to the branded, hand-picked diamond and specially created rosey gold.
It was definitely showy and fun, with a wide pave band and halo.
But she saw it as 'way too blingy' and therefore not reflective of the qualities required in marriage (modesty, patience etc).
She wanted a solitaire. How could he not know what she wanted in jewellery?
They had HUGE and stormy arguments about it.

I advised her then - in damage control - to swallow her pride, keep the ring and look at an anniversary ring or upgrade at a significant anniversary down the track.
It was really hard for her to do that, at the time. She was P****ed.
Six months later, she can't stop gushing about the ring, and about how 'really me' it is.

Brides to be can be set on a style, and sometimes need time to adjust to a surprise ring.

Or... they need time to save for a great anniversary ring (like I did lol).
Maybe your gal's been waiting an age to get married (hey, we all have, right?), and there's a lot of emotional build-up associated!

 

[Tekate]

Hi Cathy, you received opinions all around the mulberry bush, all completely valid given where people come from.. you are a fine cousin.. I wish your cousin well, I wish happiness for them and with the new life coming into this world .. that is a heck of a lot of pressure btw... all in all I learned that young women today expect more input into their rings than in my day (I better man up and learn more as I have 2 sons.. I think there's a lot of pressure and stress occurring in your cousins life right now.. and once all settles down things will go smoothly.. wish we all had family that cared that much... I wish the future married couple good juju and happiness, healthy baby and a strong future! they have good family..