how old were you when you moved out of your parent''s home?

[dec2410]

Did your parents support or resist your decision?

I’m not very good at expressing my thoughts in words, so please bear with me.

I’m 25 and I live at home with my mom and my brother. I’m Korean and in my culture, the majority of college grads move back home after graduation. Most of my friends, ages ranging from 22-30, still live at home. I had no issues with living at home after graduation and I always thought I would live at home with my mom until I got married. I’ve been at home since the summer of 2007 and it’s been more or less great. I’ve paid off all of my credit card debt, bought a car with cash and I’m well on my way to paying off my student loans. All that being said, over the last few days, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my life and my future and I think that it would be a good idea for me to move out now, before I get engaged or married so that I could solidify my independence.

Here’s my problem. First, I know for a fact that my mother will object. My mom trusts me financially and to make smaller decisions in my life, but as you know if you''ve been following my mexico thread, my mother is very set in her super traditional ways. Lately, I’ve really been thinking that I should set boundaries between me and my family (mom, dad, brother…) before I get married and those lines start to get blurred. That being said, I have my reservations about moving out. Most importantly, I’m afraid of leaving my mother by herself. Let me explain. My parents separated about five years ago and my mom’s been living with me and my other brother. My brother (he’s 2 has had a slew of issues (jail time & rehab, all in the last five years). My brother doesn’t listen to my mom anymore, so the weight of his problems has been my burden to bear, regardless of whether it’s my responsibility or not. Even when my parents were still together, and my brother was just another rebellious teen, my mom and I were allies; we held each other up and supported each other through difficult times. Now, as I think about moving out, I can’t help but feel like I’m going to be abandoning my mother. I know when I say that I want to move out; my brother will chime in and say that he wants to move out, too, leaving my mom by herself. (In the past, when my brother yelled and screamed that he wanted to move out, my mom and I begged him not to, because he didn’t trust him.) I know this might sound crazy, but the guilt of leaving her by herself is so strong that it might be enough to keep me at home, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness. My mom is like my best friend and I love her dearly. I just don’t want to hurt her.

I pretty sure I know what most of your answers will be, but what should I do? Should I stay home with my mom until I get married (latest summer 2010), while completely paying off my student loans? Or should I move out now, setting those boundaries that I so clearly need?

Thanks for listening! I’ve been so torn about this, its driving me crazy!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

You should move out and give yourself some time to get to know YOU before you settle down and get married! Just because you move out doesn't mean you and your mom won't have a relationship anymore (unless she chooses not to

). It's so unfair to let guilt dictate how you live your life and you need to talk to your mom and be honest and about your reasons for moving out and do not let her initial reaction faze you. It'll take her a bit of time to get use to the idea. Possibly rent a place close to home, so you can have dinner at your mom's once a week, and have her come over to your place once a week, as well.

I moved out about a month after I graduated from high school (age 1. My situation was my dad died when I was 16 leaving just my mom and me (I'm an only child). My mom played the guilt card a bit too many times and she was a bit emotionally abusive (when she got mad at me, she would give me the silent treatment for a couple of days, walk right by me and pretend I didn't exist (!) and she did many other things too, that made it impossible for her and I to live together.) I'm glad for my choice and do not regret it at all. My mom didn't care about me moving out, she was just mad that I moved in with my then boyfriend (who is my DH now). After we adopted two cats, she didn't talk to me for a month!

What I think is that your mom need to adjust to you moving out, be it now, or when you marry and move out. Eventually she'll have to work through her issues with your brother on her own. You are the child in the relationship, NOT the parent. . .right now it sounds like she's the child if she's so dependent upon you.

 

[Skippy123]

Oh gosh I am sorry. I kind of understand where you are coming from. I came from a very closely knit family (we had the best time together) and it was very difficult for me to move out of the house; in fact I cried hard but I am glad I moved out because I gained my independence that way. Your mom will be fine; my parents are fine and everything is great. I look back now and have no regrets and you won't either, really. I think you need to do it and I understand how difficult it probably is for you. Do it for yourself. Sending you a huge hug and I will pop in and check on you in a few days. Really I bet your mom would someday love grand kids (if that is what you want), a good husband, etc. Hugs ((())))

 

[AmberWaves]

Well, let me tell you a bit about me. I''m 29, have been married a year and a half, moved out of my parents'' house when I was almost 25. My parents never got along, but stayed together for the kids.

I roll my eyes because "staying together" was the most damaging thing they could have done. Still, I knew my mom couldn''t afford to move out, and my dad wouldn''t because it''s a family house. So, I stayed home with them, to keep the peace. I have an older brother who is almost 33. He moved out two years before I did, so I guess that puts him at 26 when he moved out. All throughout our lives, I was the scapegoat, who took the blame for all the fighting and things. I paid money to support my mom and dad, and made dinner and took care of them all. When my brother moved out, the whole house became my sole responsibility. I had to ensure my mom had money for whatever she needed, and my dad had to be fed (he''s now very independent), and paid attention to. They still fought. When I met my husband, he "saved" me. He showed me independence. He told me that things will never change if I stayed home, and my parents would need me to move out to be able to change their own lives. I moved out a year after we began dating. My mom found a place, got a better job and was able to take care of herself. Now and then I help her out financially (because she got laid off), but it''s a small price to pay for them to be free of the pain that was their marriage and their reliance on each other and me. My dad is doing great, also laid off, but doesn''t need financial assistance, instead we spend a lot of time together.

When I moved out, I was able to stop being a child who takes care of her parents, and to start being an adult responsible for herself. I think that staying there stunted my growth, and also gave me a chance to learn how to take care of myself instead. So... move out! Sorry, long story. You need a chance to take care of yourself.

 

[Sabine]

You will be moving out eventually. Your mom will have to deal with learning to be on her own whether it is now or when you get married, and it might be easier for you to help her adjust when you aren''t trying to start your own married life with a partner. Plus, it sounds like it would be more beneficial for you to move out now, so why prolong the inevitable?

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 2/25/2009 5:58:33 PM
Author: Sabine
You will be moving out eventually. Your mom will have to deal with learning to be on her own whether it is now or when you get married, and it might be easier for you to help her adjust when you aren''t trying to start your own married life with a partner. Plus, it sounds like it would be more beneficial for you to move out now, so why prolong the inevitable?

BIG DITTO!! Do it now, help her adjust.. Makes sense to me. Good luck!!

 

[JSM]

I did what many students do and did the dorm thing the first couple years of college. After college, I went straight to grad school out of state. So 21 officially, when I and my roommates found an apartment close to our undergraduate campus.

College was great, but it wasn''t until I went to graduate school and lived by MYSELF, for MYSELF, that I really understood who I was and what I wanted from life. I love my family dearly, but I am the oldest of four and always felt responsible for someone else''s welfare when I was at home.

I changed a lot in the first couple years I lived away from my family. I would venture to say that my relationships with my siblings and parents has lessened in some ways, but improved in others. But I am happier knowing who I am. I am comfortable in my own skin, and know that I don''t need a parent, or a husband, or a sibling, in order to survive. I can do it on my own, and the knowledge and freedom that knowledge gives me is indescribable.

On the downside, I definitely have more student debt because I don''t live rent free, and pay all my own bills. But I DO know how to stretch a dollar!

I''m really sorry about your situation, waiting patiently. I understand both your reasons for wanting to stay and wanting to leave, and I don''t know what I''d do if I were in your place. Also, know that just because you don''t live with your mom doesn''t mean you can''t have dinner with her and spend time with her!

 

[Shoopy]

To answer the title question: I was 17.

It''s kind of difficult to relate to this post because I know that there are cultures that are much more traditional and strict (for lack of a better word) than others. Not being part of the Korean culture, I can''t really comment on what you should/shouldn''t do.

If I take culture away from the scenario, then my answer would be to move out. While saving money would be great, you are playing roles that you don''t need to play: mom''s therapist, brother''s mother while he deals with his issues, etc. And I agree with Sabine''s logic.

 

[Elmorton]

To answer your question, the summer after my freshman year of college was the last time I lived with my parents.

I do really, really value the experiences I had, living with roommates and living alone, and I think these experiences have made it a lot easier to live with my DH. He also lived on his own (though he did live with his parents for most of the summer after he graduated). It''s not so much the "finding yourself" thing I don''t think as it is things like setting up your own kitchen and knowing where you like the knives to be, knowing how to set up utilities, creating a household budget, etc.

I ditto Sabine, too - my parents had a hard time "letting go" (I''m an only child) and the fact that I''d already been on my own for years only made it easier, not harder. I don''t think there''s anything wrong with living with family -> living with a spouse, but it sounds like in your particular situation, a gradual progression may be a lot easier on your mom (and on you).

 

[platinumrock]

Since I was 20. I lived with my parents until I transferred to a 4-year university about 6 hours away from home.

I think it was especially hard for my Mom because we were so close and we always spent time together.

But we adjusted over time.

Now I live all the way across the country from my family in California.

 

[akw94]

I was 16. I left home to go to college, moved back in for a semester b/c I had my son, went back to school and remained out of the home ever since.

In my opinion, you have to take the time to find yourself. You just won''t have the freedom and energy to do that while living at home, especially given the problems with your brother and mother. I am sure it will be very hard. I''m sure that there''s nothing anyone can say to make that easier, but I think you already know what you need to do... for yourself. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. Moving out doesn''t mean losing touch with your mom. You can live close, you can call every day, you can visit all the time. Your relationship doesn''t have to suffer and over time, she will see that. If this is what you want, you can do it! Sometimes the hardest decisions are the most worthwhile.

 

[packrat]

I moved out when I got married at 27. I loved living at home, saving money and hanging out w/my parents. They have a huge acreage, so I helped take care of it. That being said, I didn''t have all the stressors that you have..your brother and mom, and needing to set boundaries and such. I would add my recommendation to moving out.

 

[chrono]

As I come from a similar culture, doing so might make your relationship with your mother strained for a very long time. Depending on how she takes it, it may never be the same again. I understand your dilema and would probably stay with her as she is old and has enough problems of her own to deal with. You sound very matured and quite independent as it is so I wouldn''t worry about trying to assert your independence. I moved out when I married and the transition was seamless.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 2/25/2009 6:11:01 PM
Author: fieryred33143
To answer the title question: I was 17.

It''s kind of difficult to relate to this post because I know that there are cultures that are much more traditional and strict (for lack of a better word) than others. Not being part of the Korean culture, I can''t really comment on what you should/shouldn''t do.

If I take culture away from the scenario, then my answer would be to move out. While saving money would be great, you are playing roles that you don''t need to play: mom''s therapist, brother''s mother while he deals with his issues, etc. And I agree with Sabine''s logic.

I was also 17 before I moved out, and ditto to the rest of the post, too.

 

[cellososweet]

Date: 2/25/2009 4:53:04 PM
Author:waitingpatiently

Did your parents support or resist your decision?

I’m not very good at expressing my thoughts in words, so please bear with me.

I’m 25 and I live at home with my mom and my brother. I’m Korean and in my culture, the majority of college grads move back home after graduation. Most of my friends, ages ranging from 22-30, still live at home. I had no issues with living at home after graduation and I always thought I would live at home with my mom until I got married. I’ve been at home since the summer of 2007 and it’s been more or less great. I’ve paid off all of my credit card debt, bought a car with cash and I’m well on my way to paying off my student loans. All that being said, over the last few days, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my life and my future and I think that it would be a good idea for me to move out now, before I get engaged or married so that I could solidify my independence.

Here’s my problem. First, I know for a fact that my mother will object. My mom trusts me financially and to make smaller decisions in my life, but as you know if you''ve been following my mexico thread, my mother is very set in her super traditional ways. Lately, I’ve really been thinking that I should set boundaries between me and my family (mom, dad, brother…) before I get married and those lines start to get blurred. That being said, I have my reservations about moving out. Most importantly, I’m afraid of leaving my mother by herself. Let me explain. My parents separated about five years ago and my mom’s been living with me and my other brother. My brother (he’s 2 has had a slew of issues (jail time & rehab, all in the last five years). My brother doesn’t listen to my mom anymore, so the weight of his problems has been my burden to bear, regardless of whether it’s my responsibility or not. Even when my parents were still together, and my brother was just another rebellious teen, my mom and I were allies; we held each other up and supported each other through difficult times. Now, as I think about moving out, I can’t help but feel like I’m going to be abandoning my mother. I know when I say that I want to move out; my brother will chime in and say that he wants to move out, too, leaving my mom by herself. (In the past, when my brother yelled and screamed that he wanted to move out, my mom and I begged him not to, because he didn’t trust him.) I know this might sound crazy, but the guilt of leaving her by herself is so strong that it might be enough to keep me at home, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness. My mom is like my best friend and I love her dearly. I just don’t want to hurt her.

I pretty sure I know what most of your answers will be, but what should I do? Should I stay home with my mom until I get married (latest summer 2010), while completely paying off my student loans? Or should I move out now, setting those boundaries that I so clearly need?

Thanks for listening! I’ve been so torn about this, its driving me crazy!

Does your mom like your boyfriend? Is your boyfriend (or fiance, sorry don''t know your situation) very different than your family?

I understand the cultural thing and that''s why I asked the questions. I don''t know your Mom. She sounds like a good woman (you and her sound close). But, given the cultural aspect, I know how Korean moms can be a bit ummmmm. . . overbearing. If your bf/fi is different traditionally than your family or doesn''t get along really well with your family, your mother might butt into your marriage more than you want her to (because she hasn''t had the opportunity to see you as an independent person with your own ideas and life). So I''d say move out. It''s good for you, good for her, good for everyone. You can''t be in the situation of the "fixer" forever. It''s too stressful. Your brother''s issues are your brothers issues. Not yours. Eventually, she will be alone. You''ll get married and your brother will hopefully get his act together and be independent. It might not be the "traditional" thing to do, but I always say when in Rome. . . This is an argument I''ve had with my husband a billion times. There is a difference between traditional in the good sense and traditional in the sense that it''s irrelevant to today''s society. This isn''t exactly irrelevant (there are certainly good points to it. Namely the financial aspect). But, it does hinder your independence and your ability to feel like you can make it in this world on your own.

Just a thought. I hope it didn''t come across harshly.

 

[dec2410]

wow.

i'm totally overwhelmed by how all of you were willing to share a little bit of your life with me. thank you so much. i don't have many people i can talk to about this because most of my closest friends are in grad school and contently live at home. its so nice to be able to come on PS and have a whole other world open up to you. thanks again.

chrono - this is exactly what i'm afraid of. i'm pretty sure it's irrational for me to think this, because we are so close, but i guess it's all a matter of how i decide to talk about it with her.

cellososweet - my mom didn't like P at first. he's also Korean, but his parents have been in states nearly twice as long as my parents and are fairly open minded, "liberal" Koreans. my mom didn't like him because she couldn't get over the fact that he looked "the part" (typical Korean guy) but everything else about him was so NOT korean. haha. after the first year or so, my mom warmed up to him and now has accepted him into our family. it's still fun watching them try to communicate. haha. i don't think i have to worry about my mom butting into our marriage, once we're actually married. my mom lived with her in-laws for 20 years (they were married for 23 before separating). she knows how damaging that kind of butting in will do. i believe that she'll let go and be happy for me, once i'm married. if i try to move out before that, that's where i think i'll have an issue. sigh.

i still have a lot of thinking and praying to do. i'm about 90% sure i will move out. when is a different issue. i'm thinking i'll take a few more months to ride out this rough patch we're going through (again...check out my mexico thread), pay down my student loan like mad, save for some furniture/security deposit...then move out towards the end of the summer.

hopefully, towards the end of april, i'll be able to start easing in the idea of moving out.

sigh.

i would love to hear some more of your stories. all your responses are giving me so much hope and strength! thank youuuu

 

[KimberlyH]

I moved out at 19, my parents moved about 400 miles away and I moved back in with them, in their new home, when I was 21 to finish college (there were other factors involved but that was the primary reason). I wanted to purchase a home, no easy feat in CA, so I stayed home after college to save money for a down payment; I was about 1/2 way there when my parents moved back to the place we''d all come from and I decided to stay. I moved into a house with 2 roommates for a short period of time (NIGHTMARE!) and then on my own for about 2 years before I married my husband. Living on my own was one of the best, most important things I ever did for myself. It allowed me to figure out who I am, independent of other influences (especially my parents), find my own routines, establish independence, etc. I wish I had lived on my own longer.

All that being said, I was raised in a very different culture than you and only you know the damage it will do to your relationship with your mom, but it''s going to happen eventually and the best thing may be the stage between your getting married for your sake and hers.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 2/25/2009 6:03:36 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 2/25/2009 5:58:33 PM
Author: Sabine
You will be moving out eventually. Your mom will have to deal with learning to be on her own whether it is now or when you get married, and it might be easier for you to help her adjust when you aren''t trying to start your own married life with a partner. Plus, it sounds like it would be more beneficial for you to move out now, so why prolong the inevitable?

BIG DITTO!! Do it now, help her adjust.. Makes sense to me. Good luck!!

Thritto.

I moved out at 19, and my parents weren''t happy--I moved in with my boyfriend, and they are very Catholic and against that. Then I moved back at 21 to save money for school, and then left for school for a year. Then moved back in until I moved out permanently at 23. Why did I move out? Because my mom and I couldn''t live in the same house.

I would move out. I agree with Sabine wholeheartedly.

 

[basil]

I went away to college at 18 and lived in the dorms, etc., but I think that I really "moved out" after I graduated and got my first job, my first alone apartment, etc. Since then and through grad school, I''ve been living on my own for almost 8 years.

I love my parents and we get along well and talk every night. But I feel like moving out has let me grow up in ways that I never could have if I had been alone. I know some people go directly from their parents'' house to living with their spouse, but I know that wouldn''t have been good for me personally. I can''t pretend to understand the cultural implications of you moving out, but in general I think it''s an experience I wouldn''t trade, so go for it.

Now, DH is scheduled to move here in just 4 months, and I''m so ready to be done with living alone!

 

[Steel]

16; as soon as I could legally.

Does the structure of your current home facilitate segregation as a move towards independent living. Do you have a garage you could convert to a studio flat? Do you have a basement or attic you can convert similarly?

I understand your concerns and wonder if a happy medium could not be reached? If you can live at the same address but have your own sitting / kitchen/ bathroom and bedroom areas. That way you can check on your Mom every day and be sure she is ok. Then the eventual step of you moving away from the home should be easier; once you are both more independent.

 

[dec2410]

Date: 2/26/2009 4:58:45 PM
Author: Steel
16; as soon as I could legally.

Does the structure of your current home facilitate segregation as a move towards independent living. Do you have a garage you could convert to a studio flat? Do you have a basement or attic you can convert similarly?

I understand your concerns and wonder if a happy medium could not be reached? If you can live at the same address but have your own sitting / kitchen/ bathroom and bedroom areas. That way you can check on your Mom every day and be sure she is ok. Then the eventual step of you moving away from the home should be easier; once you are both more independent.

steel...its funny that you ask that. my mother, brother and i share a TWO bedroom apartment. yes, that''s right. three adults living in a two bedroom apartment. what this boils down to...i''ve shared a room with my mom since the summer of 2007. i purposely didn''t mention this in my OP because i know it''s outrageous.

the more i think about it, the more ABSOLUTELY necessary it is for me to move out. i''m slowly getting really excited about moving because i know it''s something i need to do for myself. i just need to really take time to think about how i''m going to bring it up to her. i have a few months to think about it...

 

[Steel]

Date: 2/26/2009 5:42:16 PM
Author: waitingpatiently

Date: 2/26/2009 4:58:45 PM
Author: Steel
16; as soon as I could legally.

Does the structure of your current home facilitate segregation as a move towards independent living. Do you have a garage you could convert to a studio flat? Do you have a basement or attic you can convert similarly?

I understand your concerns and wonder if a happy medium could not be reached? If you can live at the same address but have your own sitting / kitchen/ bathroom and bedroom areas. That way you can check on your Mom every day and be sure she is ok. Then the eventual step of you moving away from the home should be easier; once you are both more independent.

steel...its funny that you ask that. my mother, brother and i share a TWO bedroom apartment. yes, that''s right. three adults living in a two bedroom apartment. what this boils down to...i''ve shared a room with my mom since the summer of 2007. i purposely didn''t mention this in my OP because i know it''s outrageous.

the more i think about it, the more ABSOLUTELY necessary it is for me to move out. i''m slowly getting really excited about moving because i know it''s something i need to do for myself. i just need to really take time to think about how i''m going to bring it up to her. i have a few months to think about it...

I see. Would you be interested in renting in the immediate area? Is it available/affordable.

Sharing a bedroom is not great - for either mother or daughter. But you knew that already. I am sorry this is difficult and offer some virtual support ((hug)).

 

[Rhea]

I moved out when I went to college at age 17. My DH moved out when he was 22 and married me. I do think that there''s a difference in how our families treat us. At first DH''s felt free to comment and get involved in our business. Mine quit doing that when I graduated at age 21 (I''m older than my husband by 3 years).

I''m torn on this. Part me of says, do it now, she''ll get over it and it''s what you want to do. But I don''t understand your culture at all. When you move out when you get married your mother might be upset, but it''ll be something that she''ll have been preparing herself for, especially after an engagement is announced.

Is there a compromise? Live with your mother but continue to distance yourself and make your own decisions, such as going to Mexico.

 

[dec2410]

the rent for apartments in my immediate area range a lot. the average i''d like to say is between 1200-1500 for a one bedroom, however, i''ve done some basic searches and found little studios that are in the 800 range - i could totally do that.

my mom and i are sloooowwwlyyyy getting back to normal. she''s still kind of giving me the silent treatment about mexico, but i can see us being fine and back to our loving selves in a few days. i plan on living at home for a few more months. then approaching her best friend (her voice of reason when it comes to a lot of things) about moving out first. i want her input and maybe she can even start bringing up the idea to my mom. man...until i started really putting all these thoughts into words, i never realized how absolutely ridiculous sharing a room with my mom is. if we were crunched for cash and i was in hs, it would make sense, but i''m a full grown woman, able to take care of herself! i should be able to move out.

so yeah...i''m gonna be home for a little bit. save. pay down my student loan as much as i can. and carefully come up with a game plan. hehe.

thank you everyone for your support and advice!! it really means a lot!!!!

 

[musey]

Date: 2/25/2009 6:03:36 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 2/25/2009 5:58:33 PM

Author: Sabine

You will be moving out eventually. Your mom will have to deal with learning to be on her own whether it is now or when you get married, and it might be easier for you to help her adjust when you aren''t trying to start your own married life with a partner. Plus, it sounds like it would be more beneficial for you to move out now, so why prolong the inevitable?

BIG DITTO!! Do it now, help her adjust.. Makes sense to me. Good luck!!

Thritto!

I moved out at 17 for college and never went back (visits, yes, living-in, no).

 

[kittybean]

Date: 2/27/2009 2:46:44 PM
Author: musey

Date: 2/25/2009 6:03:36 PM

Author: Kaleigh

Date: 2/25/2009 5:58:33 PM

Author: Sabine

You will be moving out eventually. Your mom will have to deal with learning to be on her own whether it is now or when you get married, and it might be easier for you to help her adjust when you aren''t trying to start your own married life with a partner. Plus, it sounds like it would be more beneficial for you to move out now, so why prolong the inevitable?

BIG DITTO!! Do it now, help her adjust.. Makes sense to me. Good luck!!

Thritto!

I moved out at 17 for college and never went back (visits, yes, living-in, no).

Yup--start helping her adjust now!

I went to college out-of-state at 18, but would come back in the summer. I stopped going back once I went to law school at 21. My mom was really anxious about me leaving for college, but once I left, she adjusted, and now our relationship is wonderful--we can be friends and not step on one another''s toes. I still talk to her on the phone a ton (more than once a day, usually!).

 

[dec2410]

when i went away for college, i originally went over 5 hours away, we were fine. no tears or anything. we were both pretty calm about it. in ended up coming home after two semester due to financial reasons and was helping out financially at home for a year while taking classes at a community college. then i went to rutgers, our state university and stayed there for my last 3 years. while i was at rutgers, only about 45 minutes away, i lived on campus for the first two years (off campus during the summer) then lived off campus for the last year.

my entire last year in college, i lived off campus and paid most of my own rent (and one of my horrible roommate''s rent too...i had a full time job while taking a full load of classes. as graduation was coming up, i decided i wanted to stay at in new brunswick, move in with a friend (coworker) and continue to work where i was working. my mom convinced me otherwise. she said that you go straight to living on your own after college, you''ll never make a real dent in paying down your student loans and other debt. she said come home for a year, save some money, pay off some debt, then you can do whatever you want. she made a valid point and it turned out to be a great decision. i ended up leaving the company i was working for at the time and found my current job all before graduation. as i mentioned in my OP, i was able to pay off my CC debt and buy a car. my student loans are still there, but i''ve paid down about a third. as much as it would''ve been so much easier to go straight to living on my own, i''m so glad i went back home and got rid of all the financial baggage.

so here i am...a year and a half later.....i feel like she''s gonna freak when i bring up moving out again, but she said that i could move out after a year! if she''ll remember that conversation...i have no clue! we''ll see....

 

[jjc]

Date: 2/25/2009 4:53:04 PM
Author:waitingpatiently

Did your parents support or resist your decision?

I’m not very good at expressing my thoughts in words, so please bear with me.

I’m 25 and I live at home with my mom and my brother. I’m Korean and in my culture, the majority of college grads move back home after graduation. Most of my friends, ages ranging from 22-30, still live at home. I had no issues with living at home after graduation and I always thought I would live at home with my mom until I got married. I’ve been at home since the summer of 2007 and it’s been more or less great. I’ve paid off all of my credit card debt, bought a car with cash and I’m well on my way to paying off my student loans. All that being said, over the last few days, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my life and my future and I think that it would be a good idea for me to move out now, before I get engaged or married so that I could solidify my independence.


Here’s my problem. First, I know for a fact that my mother will object. My mom trusts me financially and to make smaller decisions in my life, but as you know if you've been following my mexico thread, my mother is very set in her super traditional ways. Lately, I’ve really been thinking that I should set boundaries between me and my family (mom, dad, brother…) before I get married and those lines start to get blurred. That being said, I have my reservations about moving out. Most importantly, I’m afraid of leaving my mother by herself. Let me explain. My parents separated about five years ago and my mom’s been living with me and my other brother. My brother (he’s 2 has had a slew of issues (jail time & rehab, all in the last five years). My brother doesn’t listen to my mom anymore, so the weight of his problems has been my burden to bear, regardless of whether it’s my responsibility or not. Even when my parents were still together, and my brother was just another rebellious teen, my mom and I were allies; we held each other up and supported each other through difficult times. Now, as I think about moving out, I can’t help but feel like I’m going to be abandoning my mother. I know when I say that I want to move out; my brother will chime in and say that he wants to move out, too, leaving my mom by herself. (In the past, when my brother yelled and screamed that he wanted to move out, my mom and I begged him not to, because he didn’t trust him.) I know this might sound crazy, but the guilt of leaving her by herself is so strong that it might be enough to keep me at home, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness. My mom is like my best friend and I love her dearly. I just don’t want to hurt her.

I pretty sure I know what most of your answers will be, but what should I do? Should I stay home with my mom until I get married (latest summer 2010), while completely paying off my student loans? Or should I move out now, setting those boundaries that I so clearly need?


Thanks for listening! I’ve been so torn about this, its driving me crazy!

hi waitingpatiently, i hope this isn't strange to be responding to your thread since i only officially came out of lurkdom today (https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/introduction.109374/), but i just remember reading this thread and feeling your pain EXACTLY. you see, i'm also korean, extremely close to my mom, and used to shouldering all the weight of my mom, dad, and older brother's lives (mistakes). having said that, although we have much of the same background, i obviously don't know exactly how you feel about things, but i just wanted to offer my support and let you know that i understand where you're coming from. i'm 28, and i just recently realized that i am allowed to have my own life, and be responsible for MY actions, and my actions ONLY. and while i feel grateful that i was able to be the one that kept my family together, at this point i just feel SO tired, and i waver back and forth between wanting to walk away from things that were never my responsibility, and terrible guilt for even feeling like that - which is exhausting in and of itself. although i'm truly sorry that i don't have any magical solution, if i could go back and do it again, i think i would extract myself from the situation sooner than i have, because if you keep pushing yourself until you break, it's easy to become resentful - and i know that would break your heart, because i can feel the kind of bond you have with your mom (which is what i have with my own mom). i know that personally, i've had to keep telling myself that it's not healthy for anyone for me to worry about my mom as if i were the parent, and it's not what she would want anyway. but of course be gentle - and be generous with your 'umma, salang heh!'s

wow that was long! sorry to have rambled - i just really wanted to let you know that i know exactly how you feel, all the internal push/pull, and wavering between a sense of duty and a desire to break free. sometimes it just helps to know that someone understands, you know?

 

[dec2410]

wow jjc! thanks for response. i''m so glad to know that you understand...that someone understands. lately, i''ve been so torn, like you said...that internal push/pull has been so strong.

yesterday, i mentioned for the first time my desire to live alone and be independant before i get married. she said she understood where that longing comes from but how she really wants to hold onto the emotional support she has around her right now, for as long as she can. i knew she would react like this. i know i''ll be getting married within the next year-18 months and the decision i have to make is should i be selfish and move out or let her be selfish and wait til i''m married.

i feel like no one else on this board understood my perspective and the reasons why i feel the way i do....it''s comforting to know that you understand! thanks!

oh! btw...i mentioned in your "come out of lurkdom post" that you live with your FF, how did you mom take that? was she supportive in your decision to move out/live with your SO? Did you live on your own before you moved in with you SO?

Well....thanks again, jjc.

 

[jjc]

hi waitingpatiently! i''m so glad i could be of some help

i''m so sorry about the decision you''re faced with now...i know it''s a tough one, rife with so many questions - especially since you''re in the home stretch, 18 months at most before being married. i personally think it comes down to a balancing of a few considerations, here''s what my thought process would be:
- whether i''m even capable (mentally/emotionally) of handling it: so, in your case, whether you could take living at home for the year/18 months before you get married
- if yes, would taking on that burden eventually blow up and cause me to be resentful
- if i feel like i would be resentful, would the happiness that knowing i was there for my mom in the last stretch before i got married would outweigh any kind of resentment/exhaustion/negative feelings i would have

FWIW, i think my decision would come down to a consideration of whether i could achieve my ideal result, making my mom the happiest she could be everyday for the next year/18 months. if it would be more of a problem (for everyone involved) to stay, i wouldn''t - and please please please!!! don''t feel bad about whatever decision you come to. remember that as much as you love your mom, you''re only human too, and you can only do your best - and that''s absolutely more than enough, because the fact that you''re so conflicted about this shows how deeply you love your mom

(have i mentioned that i know how you feel?

)

as for living with my FF - that''s a huge HUGE secret! and i know that might sound ridiculous to most, but i know that it would hurt my mom so deeply to know (although i know it would actually make her feel much better that we live together - he makes sure i eat!

). i was out of the house during college, but that was more just expected, and it wasn''t as big a deal. after college, though, i moved back home, and didn''t move out again until i started grad school, out of necessity. i think it''s helpful, just to put things into perspective, that what you/i/''we'' (2nd generation) do to help out the family - while absolutely appreciated - is pretty much par for the course for our parents'' generation, and i''m pretty sure that their generation did things for their families that i know i could never fathom, let alone handle. not to discount anything you''re feeling, because it''s absolutely valid, but sometimes it helps to understand where people (i.e. your mom) are coming from just so that you don''t go crazy!

i''m sorry, i feel like i keep talking in circles, but really, what it comes down to is this: you''re not being selfish for recognizing and following your own needs - our parents worked so hard so that we can have this luxury. your mom is only human too, so she of course wants you around - and that''s not wrong of her either. you just have to come up with a solution that is workable for you, keeping in mind that neither you nor she is wrong. i wish i could be of more help...please let me know if there''s anything else you want to talk about!