how old were you when you moved out of your parent''s home?

[AprilBaby]

21, and I got married. DD moved out at 18 to school, 8 mo in Disney, back to school, 4 more months at Disney this summer and then I don''t think she will EVER move back in. She LOVES her independence. ( she is now 21)

 

[dec2410]

Date: 3/10/2009 9:22:44 PM
Author: jjc
hi waitingpatiently! i''m so glad i could be of some help

i''m so sorry about the decision you''re faced with now...i know it''s a tough one, rife with so many questions - especially since you''re in the home stretch, 18 months at most before being married. i personally think it comes down to a balancing of a few considerations, here''s what my thought process would be:
- whether i''m even capable (mentally/emotionally) of handling it: so, in your case, whether you could take living at home for the year/18 months before you get married
- if yes, would taking on that burden eventually blow up and cause me to be resentful
- if i feel like i would be resentful, would the happiness that knowing i was there for my mom in the last stretch before i got married would outweigh any kind of resentment/exhaustion/negative feelings i would have

FWIW, i think my decision would come down to a consideration of whether i could achieve my ideal result, making my mom the happiest she could be everyday for the next year/18 months. if it would be more of a problem (for everyone involved) to stay, i wouldn''t - and please please please!!! don''t feel bad about whatever decision you come to. remember that as much as you love your mom, you''re only human too, and you can only do your best - and that''s absolutely more than enough, because the fact that you''re so conflicted about this shows how deeply you love your mom

(have i mentioned that i know how you feel?

)

as for living with my FF - that''s a huge HUGE secret! and i know that might sound ridiculous to most, but i know that it would hurt my mom so deeply to know (although i know it would actually make her feel much better that we live together - he makes sure i eat!

). i was out of the house during college, but that was more just expected, and it wasn''t as big a deal. after college, though, i moved back home, and didn''t move out again until i started grad school, out of necessity. i think it''s helpful, just to put things into perspective, that what you/i/''we'' (2nd generation) do to help out the family - while absolutely appreciated - is pretty much par for the course for our parents'' generation, and i''m pretty sure that their generation did things for their families that i know i could never fathom, let alone handle. not to discount anything you''re feeling, because it''s absolutely valid, but sometimes it helps to understand where people (i.e. your mom) are coming from just so that you don''t go crazy!

i''m sorry, i feel like i keep talking in circles, but really, what it comes down to is this: you''re not being selfish for recognizing and following your own needs - our parents worked so hard so that we can have this luxury. your mom is only human too, so she of course wants you around - and that''s not wrong of her either. you just have to come up with a solution that is workable for you, keeping in mind that neither you nor she is wrong. i wish i could be of more help...please let me know if there''s anything else you want to talk about!

wow. you put some thing in perspective for me.

yes, i know i am mentally/emotionally/financial able and ready to move out and i want to.
will staying home make me bitter or resentful towards my mom? absolutely not. in the end, if i don''t move out, its because i made the decision. i think being able to support my mom and being there for her during that last stretch would make me feel fantastic...knowing that i was able to help her in some way. so, still, i''m torn. i have my wants, and my wants also include helping my mom in whatever ways i can.

we''ll see. a few more things have popped up and these few more things are kind of swaying my decision.

my SO and i had a convo about his future and ultimately, OUR future and we want it to start SOON. so seeing how my timeline keeps getting shorter, i might as well stay home, and save as much money as i can before i get married (plus pay down my student loan). i really don''t think i''ll have to wait 18 months to get married and move out...i think it''s more along the lines of end of 09. everything''s contingent upon SO finding a job after he graduates in may. pretty much, once he finds a job, we''ll get married. so yeah.

at first i really thought staying at home because my mom wants me to stay was me lacking a backbone and not having any boundaries. now, my perspective is...it''s not going to kill me to stay at home. i''m sure living on my own would be a very great experience but i''m seeing more and more that it really isn''t a necessity..its more a want.

now''s i''m definintely talking in circles and i don''t seem to even have a point anymore. haha. so we''ll see what happens.

thanks again for your input and for sharing your experiences. it really means a lot!!!

 

[jjc]

yayyy that's so awesome - it sounds like you'll be able to come to a decision that you'll be happy with and feel good about. please keep us posted, and congrats on your upcoming engagement and marriage!

 

[Porridge]

Date: 2/25/2009 5:58:33 PM
Author: Sabine
You will be moving out eventually. Your mom will have to deal with learning to be on her own whether it is now or when you get married, and it might be easier for you to help her adjust when you aren''t trying to start your own married life with a partner. Plus, it sounds like it would be more beneficial for you to move out now, so why prolong the inevitable?

Sabine said everything I was thinking.

 

[asscherisme]

One month after I 21. I had a job lined up before graduation, got my B.A. and moved out immediately. I had been saving for years for a security deposit, and some modest used furniture and was ready to get out of there. I rented a tiny studio apartment that was all of 500 SF and I felt SO proud of my accomplishement of graduating, and supporting myself that a mansion would not have made me happier. It was my own space that I was paying for and supporting msyelf.

It was just my father and me and he was more than happy to see me go.

 

[Dannielle]

I moved out at 18 to live with my boyfriend, now Fiance

 

[SparklyLibra]

I was 17 when I moved out. Looking back I have mixed feelings about it. I would''ve saved myself alot of heartache had I stayed; but then again all the experience that I gained while being out on my own is priceless to me.

 

[Mara]

Date: 3/11/2009 10:29:42 AM
Author: Porridge

Date: 2/25/2009 5:58:33 PM
Author: Sabine
You will be moving out eventually. Your mom will have to deal with learning to be on her own whether it is now or when you get married, and it might be easier for you to help her adjust when you aren''t trying to start your own married life with a partner. Plus, it sounds like it would be more beneficial for you to move out now, so why prolong the inevitable?

Sabine said everything I was thinking.

Thritto. Your Mom will have to adjust at some point. It IS like prolonging the inevitable. Will you feel any LESS guilty when you move out and get married... maybe if only because that might feel less like you are making a ''choice'' to leave your Mom than otherwise. Do you think that she is prepared for when that happens? Maybe if you do decide to stay at home you can start trying to lay the boundaries you need...why wait til you move out entirely? It might make things better for her also to have things start to change now. Because let me tell you, parents don''t just stop being parents or doing the things that drive you crazy just because you aren''t at home anymore. The traditionalism that is rooted in your Mom will still be there in a year or two years. She will still as strongly disapprove of things she does now, unless you start making some changes now.

 

[LifeinPasoLargo]

I''m 21 and haven''t technically moved out yet. When I came to college I was in the dorms for the first year. I decided I had enough of that and wanted to move out. My mother and her fiance didn''t want me to live in any of the slum buildings down here so they bought a house. My two best friends lived in it with me for a year and then they decided it was too detrimental to our friendships so I got two new ones. One turned out to be a bum and moved out 6 mos into his lease without notifying my parents and owing over $1200. 97% of my stuff is here with me and the only things that are paid by them are my cell and my car insurance. They are cheap but with my part time job and my school demand, I don''t make enough to cover them. When I go home, I stay with them. So, to answer the question completely, yea I guess I have moved out but I''m not completely on my own yet.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 2/25/2009 8:13:54 PM
Author: Chrono
As I come from a similar culture, doing so might make your relationship with your mother strained for a very long time. Depending on how she takes it, it may never be the same again. I understand your dilema and would probably stay with her as she is old and has enough problems of her own to deal with. You sound very matured and quite independent as it is so I wouldn''t worry about trying to assert your independence. I moved out when I married and the transition was seamless.

I am surprising myself and going with Chrono here. Of course, only you can truly know your own situation.

I am an Anglo, brought up by a single (early widow) mum that I wasn''t particularly close to...I left home at 17/18 at the end of high school, to attend my university in a capital city far away.

Now that I am a mum myself, I have more time and interest in the ''Asian'' way of doing things, and I think as long as the relationship is genuine between mum and daughter - not stressed or difficult - it is a shame to just dump all that for the western way, which can be cold sometimes...

anyway, you seem to be fairly established, financially well, stable, and you are marrying soonish so living at home has an end in sight.

Is there any way you can deal with your brother / help your mum deal with the ''brother'' issue before you leave your family home? If he is a bad egg, or difficult, is it likely that he will continue to live on with her after you are married?

Perhaps rather than moving out immediately, you can turn your mind to helping your mum solve ''the brother'' issue... and then move out (before your marriage) with a clear conscience!

You said he will want to move out if you do... perhaps that is actually a better way of doing things? Have him move, along with yourself (although not necessarily to the same share house!!) and have your mum enjoy her own company for a while?!

I would not necessarily ''leave her in it'', if she is your best friend, perhaps you can work together to solve your family dilemma before you move on to the next phase in your life.

All the best, and I am working on having a similar loving and mutually respectful relationship with my own daughter(s).