Find your diamond
Find your jewelry
shape
carat
color
clarity

a LIW just needs to vent! (warning: very candid)...

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.

dec2410

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
499
My mother''s driving me up a wall.


Let me give you some background. Don''t get me wrong, my mother is one of my best friends and I love her to pieces, BUT!!! she''s is super duper conservative and traditional. This is causing me so much stress. My bf and i have been invited to quite a few destination weddings, one that is for one of my hs friends in France and another for one of his closest friends in Mexico, both of which we can''t go to because of my mother. She doesn''t find it appropriate that a couple go away together w/o being married. Her words were, "You asking me to say yes to you two going away together is like asking me to accept the fact that you two will be having sex!"



What the heck do I say to that?! She clearly doesn''t know the intimate details of our relationship and I don''t plan on bursting her bubble. Again..what do I say to that?!?! Anyway, the kicker is...she said..."You can''t go away together until you''re engaged." She keeps saying that. Who knew that of all people, my SO would be getting "pressure" to propose from my MOTHER, not ME! sigh.

My SO went back to college last semester after a long hiatus to finish up his degree. He''ll be done in May and I''m totally cool the fact that we won''t be engaged until the end of this year, some time next year, but geez! With a lot of our friends opting to having weddings abroad, she''s making the waiting process so much more difficult. Sigh....

Okay...I''m done with my vent.
 

Dreamgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 25, 2008
Messages
5,070
Well, my Mother is kind of the same way. A lot of it has to do with her upbringing. And I respect her and her thoughts on everything. I'm sure you will get a lot of lashing here about how you should do what you want...yada yada which is why I personally have never brought this subject up in the past. And by posting this, I'll probably catch some he_ _ for this as well, but I've got to let you know that you aren't alone! Does it drive me nuts sometimes? Yes. But I just do my best to deal with it. It's not so bad.

I couldn't help but laugh a little bit while reading your post because it reminds me of my Mother. Me and FF have been together 10 years now! Just try to respect her wishes the best you can so there isn't some family fued. It wont be much longer. Just hold tight and try to take these things with a grain of salt...Also, I like to think that by not going away together, we have something to look forward to after all these years...and I find that exciting! Instead of being the couple who has been everywhere already together, lived together.. what's left then? lol
 

BlueSki231

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 21, 2008
Messages
855
My parents used to be the same way. It eventually got to the point where they realized they really have no say anymore. This happened a little bit after I graduated college.

How old are you? Do you live with them?

I really do know what you''re going through. When I was 21 years old and home from college for the summer I was supposed to go on a weekend getaway with my bf (now ex) and another couple.
I told my mom about it ahead of time and she cried and basically said "what can i do you''re 21 years old.."
then when the time got closer i mentioned it again as a reminder that I would be gone.. and i got YELLED AT.. about how it''s inappropriate for a young girl to be going away with some guys.. don''t I know what guys have on their minds?!
then she had her FRIEND call me and give me the sex talk.. something about how "do i want to wake up in the morning and regret what i''d done.."
i wanted to say ummm you''re a couple years too late

well then my mother basically told me i''m going on this trip OVER HER DEAD BODY and that if I go my bf was never welcome near this home again and if he were to show up my dad will be waiting with a baseball bat.

and that is just ONE example.
yea, they''re nuts. not as bad now though. I''ve gone away with my current boyfriend a handful of times but seriously - they''ve scarred me for life.
 

Dreamgirl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 25, 2008
Messages
5,070
Honestly, you've just got to laugh at it. Not only being old fashioned, but I think a part of them always wants you to stay your baby. You know? Just go with the flow...lol The last thing I would want to do is upset my Mom. That would just be horrible.

BTW, my older brother has lived with girls and gone on trips with them and none of those relationships worked out for him. He is even divorced and it was all just the same. Funny though how she'd let him do whatever. ha!
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
If you are over 18 & living on your own then you do not need "permission" to attend a destination wedding? How would she feel about you going *by yourself*? Would that be "safer"?

I think she''ll find out soon enough that you''ll be doing things she doesn''t approve of FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. In fact, reading between the lines, you already ARE. She just doesn''t *know* it yet. This adjustment period between young adults & parents is often tricky. You''re not alone. But the longer you allow her to think she has some little bit of control over you, the harder its going to be eventually for her to let go. JMHO.
 

bee*

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 14, 2006
Messages
12,170
Can I ask what age you are? I think if you''re earning your own money and living your own life, then you don''t need her permission.
 

neatfreak

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
Date: 2/13/2009 7:05:49 PM
Author: bee*
Can I ask what age you are? I think if you''re earning your own money and living your own life, then you don''t need her permission.
Agreed.
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
Date: 2/13/2009 6:29:38 PM
Author: decodelighted
If you are over 18 & living on your own then you do not need ''permission'' to attend a destination wedding? How would she feel about you going *by yourself*? Would that be ''safer''?

I think she''ll find out soon enough that you''ll be doing things she doesn''t approve of FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. In fact, reading between the lines, you already ARE. She just doesn''t *know* it yet. This adjustment period between young adults & parents is often tricky. You''re not alone. But the longer you allow her to think she has some little bit of control over you, the harder its going to be eventually for her to let go. JMHO.
DITTO Deco.

For what it''s worth, my parents were super traditional. I wasn''t allowed to date until 16. Then they realized I was an adult (my doing almost whatever I wanted to, had something to do with it) they got over it. But I was the one who ended up setting those limits, not them. And I''m so glad I did. Just over 2 years ago, my mom suggested that FI move in with me. Yes. My uber traditional, hardcore Catholic, old-fashioned MOM suggested a BOY move in with me.

My fear was always that they''d never let go if I didn''t cut it off at the pass. And so finally I had control over my own life. At one point, they have to let go and realize that you have control over your own life, and you have to make your own mistakes.

I read your post, and the first thing that came to mind was the dad in "10 Things I Hate About You". He was hilarious. But being in that situation for real--after you''re over 18--not so funny...
 

katica

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Nov 9, 2008
Messages
113
Ouch that''s a tough situation..

I agree that you don''t need "permission".. but this is your mom and however irrational she is do you really want to upset her so badly? I know it probably wouldn''t help but try to have a heart to heart adult conversation with her. Try to convince her, even say you won''t let him touch you while you''re away ;-) Would you still go if she was dead set against it? It''s up to you.. but whatever you decide, try to do things so there''s no bad blood between her and your boyfriend. Even suggest that he almost backed out of the trip to Frace when he heard about her concerns (but you begged him to still go with you).

Goodluck and keep us updated!!
 

decodelighted

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2005
Messages
11,534
Seriously ... how *selfish* is it for your Mom to insist you give up trips to Mexico and FRANCE just so she can stay in denial about your relationship??
 

vanessa_b

Rough_Rock
Joined
Oct 15, 2008
Messages
53
I too am confused about why you would need her permission to attend. Do you mean that she wouldn''t pay your way? If so, that''s tough luck but I guess it''s her prerogative.
 

Haven

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 15, 2007
Messages
13,166
Date: 2/13/2009 7:08:20 PM
Author: neatfreak
Date: 2/13/2009 7:05:49 PM
Author: bee*
Can I ask what age you are? I think if you''re earning your own money and living your own life, then you don''t need her permission.
Agreed.
Thritto.

May I ask why you need her permission?
 

PrincessLily2009

Rough_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2009
Messages
96
I remember the first time I went on a trip with my BF. His friends were going camping, and he invited me along. My mother was upset at first-she insisted that it wasn''t appropriate for a couple to spend the night away together without being engaged. She didn''t stop me from going, but she was disappointed, and she didn''t talk to me for a few days, but she eventually moved on from it. Now, we go away on trips together just the two of us, and she doesn''t say anything about it. She said it was just hard because she didn''t expect it to happen so soon. It''s hard to see your children start doing "grown up stuff."

Do you have other friends that are going? Maybe you could each stay with other friends in separate rooms?
 

JulieN

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 25, 2005
Messages
13,321
My mom told me something similar once.

I said back to her, "marriage isn''t all about sex!"
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
Date: 2/13/2009 9:29:33 PM
Author: JulieN
My mom told me something similar once.


I said back to her, ''marriage isn''t all about sex!''
That''s true.

There''s no denying that our modern way of having a variety of partners PROBABLY does help us make better choices about marriage when we do eventually marry.

But... marriage is still a lot about sex (in that romance is a lot about sex) and having had lots of partners can, I think, dilute the bonding process that sex is all about.

That (admittedly, really long term issue) is ultimately probably what your mother is worried about, for both your boyfriend and yourself, alongside all the traditional concerns about pregnancy and having her girl taken advantage of.

That and the fact that, even in loving couples, early sex does seem to have had a marked effect on the length of *cough* ''courting'' time that modern relationships have - and are socially encouraged/expected to have - before marriage.

But what can a modern girl do? In many ways, social expectations are pretty difficult to avoid as far as love and romance are concerned, unless you are happy to pick from a much smaller pool of lovers / potential marriage partners.

Anyway, good luck with your trips, if you do get to go, I hope you have a great time.
 

dec2410

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
499
wow. i didn''t expect so many responses. thanks ladies.

just to answer a few questions...i''m 25 but i live at home. i make more than enough money to live on my own, but living at home until marriage is a cultural thing.

i gotta run, but i''ll be back later to explain the whole...why i asked permission thing.

thanks again ladies!
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
55,529
Okay, I am a conservative, traditional mother and have a 23 year old daughter who has a new and wonderful boyfriend! They have already gone on two overnight trips to visit friends. She has been very honest with me about the boundaries she has set with him. The one thing she definitely told him was that she wouldn''t live with anyone before she gets married, because she full well knows that that generally prolongs the time before the engagement and wedding happen! She doesn''t want to be in a 10 year dating situation waiting and waiting to be engaged and married. And the guy she is dating is wonderful, honest, and seems to adore her, so I don''t see the process taking very long at all. He''ll be the one who doesn''t want to wait, I''m quite sure!

Bottom line, what they do or don''t do is none of my business. I remember those days of being in love and I certainly did not make all the best decisions, either. So she has been raised with certain values...and she will have to balance that out with what her love-struck brain is telling her to do! Haha! I wouldn''t stop them from going on a destination wedding, though. I mean, you don''t have to go away somewhere to have sex! So what difference does the trip really make?! Just tell your Mom that you''ll room with another female...and do it for one night or something so you aren''t lying!
 

LabRatPhD

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 30, 2009
Messages
448
Date: 2/14/2009 11:46:42 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Bottom line, what they do or don''t do is none of my business. I remember those days of being in love and I certainly did not make all the best decisions, either. So she has been raised with certain values...and she will have to balance that out with what her love-struck brain is telling her to do! Haha! I wouldn''t stop them from going on a destination wedding, though. I mean, you don''t have to go away somewhere to have sex! So what difference does the trip really make?! Just tell your Mom that you''ll room with another female...and do it for one night or something so you aren''t lying!
You sound like a wonderful mother, diamondseeker2006!


I am a little older than your daughter (I''m 26) but both of my parents still treat me like a child. I am getting my PhD in 2 years, for heaven''s sake! I have always been a good kid - never got into trouble, got good grades, didn''t do anything totally irresponsible
I think if my mom would have backed off, we would have had a better relationship when I was in college. It has improved a lot since she has started treating me like an adult, but my dad still treats me like child and my mom says that probably won''t ever change.


waitingpatiently, you may want to have a talk with her about your relationship with her and stress to her that you are an adult. I have had that talk with my parents and as much as it shocked them that I was speaking out, I think it also made them respect me. It is tough having a mom like that but if you approach her like an adult, she may change her views. Good luck!
 

LaraOnline

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Feb 24, 2008
Messages
3,365
Date: 2/14/2009 11:46:42 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I remember those days of being in love and I certainly did not make all the best decisions, either.
Hmm, neither did I. Some of my most important decisions were pretty cwappy in retrospect, actually, even though I thought I was doing my very best at the time.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing! Perhaps that''s where mum and daughter clash...experience leads to cautiousness, does it not?

Anyway, I''m not totally sure you should be outright lying to your mum...but don''t rub her nose in your decisions either. As Italia''s sign-off says, ''you might have to eat your words one day!''

all the best, L.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
55,529
Date: 2/14/2009 12:44:37 PM
Author: LaraOnline

Date: 2/14/2009 11:46:42 AM
Author: diamondseeker2006
I remember those days of being in love and I certainly did not make all the best decisions, either.
Hmm, neither did I. Some of my most important decisions were pretty cwappy in retrospect, actually, even though I thought I was doing my very best at the time.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing! Perhaps that''s where mum and daughter clash...experience leads to cautiousness, does it not?

Anyway, I''m not totally sure you should be outright lying to your mum...but don''t rub her nose in your decisions either. As Italia''s sign-off says, ''you might have to eat your words one day!''

all the best, L.
Lol! So true! Because I was not perfect, I cannot expect that my kids will be, either! I just want to reiterate that she should not lie, but she could create a scenario that would be more comfortable for her mom to adjust to. My daughter tells me a LOT and we are very close, but there are just a few details I just do not want or need to hear!
 

AprilBaby

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 17, 2008
Messages
10,449
I am also a very traditional mother, but at age 25 I would expect you to make your own decisions and I would abide by them. My 25 year old son goes to Milwaukee for the weekend to see his gf about 2x a month and I just don''t ask. What business is it of mine?
 

Pandora II

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 3, 2006
Messages
9,613
Wow, at 25 I had been independent for nearly 7 years - I told my parents what I was up to just as a topic of conversation.

Why on earth would a 25 year old ask ''permission''???

My advice: Start to set boundaries now - your life, your choices, your decisions. If they like them - great. If they don''t - their problem not yours.
 

iheartscience

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 1, 2007
Messages
12,111
Date: 2/13/2009 7:27:46 PM
Author: decodelighted
Seriously ... how *selfish* is it for your Mom to insist you give up trips to Mexico and FRANCE just so she can stay in denial about your relationship??
I agree! And you''re 25! How long are you going to let your mom tell you what to do? I hope that doesn''t sound mean, because I''m not trying to be, but really, how long are you going to listen to your mom?

I know there are cultural differences, but at some point you have to start doing what you want to do. I went away to college at age 17 and the longer I was away, the more my parents loosened up. My parents are traditional Catholics who probably would have objected to me and my twin sister traveling with our boyfriends when we were 17 or 18, but 25? I was living in sin with my boyfriend (now fiance) at age 25!
And my parents were fine with it, because they knew that as an adult, it was my decision.

The bottom line is, she''s telling you what to do because you''re letting her tell you what to do. Your acceptance of her decision making for you means she''s going to keep doing it! So if you want to do what you want, put your foot down. Otherwise, even venting about it is pretty pointless!
 

dec2410

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
499
i''m so surprised at all your comments. as odd as it might sound to you guys, but i think it might be a cultural thing. most of my friends still live at home and have the same types of relationships with their parents. honestly, i think the only friends i have that live on their own are ones who''s parents moved and they opted to stay in the area cuz of work and friends.

i don''t see it as being dependent on my mother by any means and in my culture its simply a sign of respect. if there''s something that you know your parents would approved of, why would you just go and do it, regardless of your age. this is just the way i grew up and is expected.

all that being said, i have to have a talk with my mom. we went through a lot the last few years with family issues and i pretty much carried all the weight for this family and i deserve to be treated like an adult. we need to have a talk.
 

Noahsmom

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Jan 20, 2009
Messages
228
It sounds like your mom is in denial.

I agree with the others, if you are a grown woman, making your own money and your own decisions, she really doesn''t get a say in when and where you go. I would honestly try to either stop telling her things or nip it now before you have kids.
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
3,269
Date: 2/15/2009 11:50:03 AM
Author: waitingpatiently

i don''t see it as being dependent on my mother by any means and in my culture its simply a sign of respect. if there''s something that you know your parents would approved of, why would you just go and do it, regardless of your age. this is just the way i grew up and is expected.


all that being said, i have to have a talk with my mom. we went through a lot the last few years with family issues and i pretty much carried all the weight for this family and i deserve to be treated like an adult. we need to have a talk.
Waiting - it definitely must be a cultural thing, because your situation is very different to most people I know. I''m not saying it''s bad or weird, I''m just trying to shed some light on why you''re getting these responses. What I highlighted above really contradicts your original post, so that might confuse some people.

However you''re right in your last statement. It comes down to whether you want to keep your mother happily in denial, or start your own life with your own decisions, married or not. How bad would the fallout be if you did that? Would it be worth it to you? Can you think of a compromise? I''m sure you''ll do the right thing, and we can help you figure it out.
 

musey

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
Ditto porridge.

In my culture, and likely in most of the other posters'' cultures (judging by the responses), children move out and become independent as soon as they are able (unless forced). I personally do not make major life decisions (not that attending a wedding falls into this category, but the option to travel with one''s partner does, in my opinion) based upon whether my parents would approve or not. Then again, there''s very little that my parents disapprove of that I would want to do, anyway. Even if there were, my decision would have to do with my desires, ideals and comfort level as opposed to theirs.

That''s where your responses are coming from. We are posting from a point of not understanding or being familiar with your cultural traditions, that''s all.

No one can really help you in this situation, but it sounds like you aren''t looking for it, anyway. Good luck!
 

dec2410

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
499
sooooooooooooo....UPDATE!!!
i'm going to mexico in November.


(I'm unable to go to the wedding in France for other reasons...not b/c of what's been discussed in this thread.)

well i simply told my mom that my SO and i would be going to mexico in november. (for the two of us...its only $1300 for 5days/4nights at an all-inclusive resort!!! how can i turn that down!?!?!!
)

after i told her...she just stared at me for a few moments and was clearly upset. she just kept saying how she wishes that i would just respect her and her preference that we would be engaged before traveling together. then we had a heart to heart. i told her that i would more than loveeee to be engaged before we go, but engagement just isn't something i want to force my bf into. we will get married and the reasons why we're not engaged/married right now are circumstancial and financial...not because he doesn't want to be engaged. there are certain things that he wants to have lined up, before we takes that next step into marriage. (ie. finish his degree. he's done in may!! and find a job.) she also didn't realize what engagements were like in the US. in Korea, for the most part, there's no ring..no fancy shmancy proposal. it's more of a mutual agreement. the only couple that she personally knows that got engaged/married recently, didn't get engaged with a ring and a proposal...they just said they were getting married and had the wedding a month later. i explained to her that, as much as i have to understand how she feels and how our Korean culture works...she has to understand that i'm not just korean..i'm korean-american..there's a whole other set of traditions that is a part of who i am and that i would like to follow.

so anyway...

well, i'm sure she's not thrilled but i think will eventually come to terms with it. she has until november to get used it. haha. hey! who know!? november's pretty far away...maybe we will be engaged before we go! hahaha. (wishful thinking...)
 

Brown.Eyed.Girl

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 4, 2008
Messages
6,893
Date: 2/23/2009 10:11:14 AM
Author: waitingpatiently
sooooooooooooo....UPDATE!!!

i''m going to mexico in November.



(I''m unable to go to the wedding in France for other reasons...not b/c of what''s been discussed in this thread.)


well i simply told my mom that my SO and i would be going to mexico in november. (for the two of us...its only $1300 for 5days/4nights at an all-inclusive resort!!! how can i turn that down!?!?!!
)


after i told her...she just stared at me for a few moments and was clearly upset. she just kept saying how she wishes that i would just respect her and her preference that we would be engaged before traveling together. then we had a heart to heart. i told her that i would more than loveeee to be engaged before we go, but engagement just isn''t something i want to force my bf into. we will get married and the reasons why we''re not engaged/married right now are circumstancial and financial...not because he doesn''t want to be engaged. there are certain things that he wants to have lined up, before we takes that next step into marriage. (ie. finish his degree. he''s done in may!! and find a job.) she also didn''t realize what engagements were like in the US. in Korea, for the most part, there''s no ring..no fancy shmancy proposal. it''s more of a mutual agreement. the only couple that she personally knows that got engaged/married recently, didn''t get engaged with a ring and a proposal...they just said they were getting married and had the wedding a month later. i explained to her that, as much as i have to understand how she feels and how our Korean culture works...she has to understand that i''m not just korean..i''m korean-american..there''s a whole other set of traditions that is a part of who i am and that i would like to follow.


so anyway...


well, i''m sure she''s not thrilled but i think will eventually come to terms with it. she has until november to get used it. haha. hey! who know!? november''s pretty far away...maybe we will be engaged before we go! hahaha. (wishful thinking...)
Hi WaitingPatiently,

I''ve been peeking into this thread to see how everything goes, and I''m glad that you''ve been able to have a talk with your mom and explain everything - good for you!

The cultural thing definitely rings a bell. My mom isn''t super conservative by any means (my family is Korean as well) but she''s still a bit conservative. She also had a few reservations about trips I''ve taken with my BF. Props to her, though, that she really didn''t say anything (the first trip we took together was last year''s spring break with friends but she knew we were going to stay in the same room). She was actually even cool with us moving in together (although I think that was motivated by her worry that something would happen to me - I don''t live in the greatest neighborhood - and she wanted him around to protect me!
). So I just wanted to tell you- I can imagine, just from the cultural and familial aspect, how difficult it must have been to approach this situation with your mom and talk with her. And also how difficult it may have been to face her disappointment. I think, though (and I hope) that she''ll quickly realize that you''re a responsible adult (and she''s raised you well!) and that going on trips with your BF isn''t the end of the world. So just letting you know - I sympathize, and good job again for talking with her. And have fun in Mexico!!! Where in Mexico are you going? Our spring break trip last year was to Playa del Carmen, and we went to Cancun a few months ago. Had so much fun!
 

dec2410

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Sep 5, 2007
Messages
499
browneyedgirl - thanks for the post! i was starting to feel like i was the only person on PS that had a super conservative mother, even if it was just a cultural thing. someone that understands! haha. thanks again.

we''ll be going to Puerto Morelos...i believe its not too far from Playa del Carmen. did you enjoy your trip?
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community It's free, join today!

Need Something Special?

Get a quote from multiple trusted and vetted jewelers.

Holloway Cut Advisor



Diamond Eye Candy

Click to view full-size image.
Top