How is your relationship with FMIL?

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 6/10/2009 6:21:33 PM
Author: FrekeChild
He doesn''t deserve you.

BIG FREAKING DITTO! BIGGEST DITTO EVER!!!

I really hope you reconsider what marriage will make this like. I am by no means in a perfect relationship, but my husband stands by me when I am upset with something and tries to help me through it. He doesn''t ignore it or take anyone else''s side! Because that is what he is SUPPOSED to do - and your bf is dropping the ball hardcore on this.

Marriage won''t change it, you won''t forget it, and even if it wasn''t before, it WILL be a deal-breaker at some point. Save yourself the extra heartache of realizing that too late.

 

[Linda W]

Ally dear,

I am one of the older posters here. I will be 60 years old this September.

What I have to say comes from my heart.

Your fiance sounds like a very selfish man and I do not think he will change once and if you are married. Men like this rarely do. I know, my ex husband was one of them. He put everyone before me, including his family. This lead to fights, eventually to physical abuse on his part. I am not saying this is what your fiance would do to you.

I have followed your threads and no where, has your fiance ever put you first. All I ever saw was manipulation. He clearly does not deserve you. Out there, there is someone, who truly will one day.

I am not saying do not marry him, clearly that is your decision, but...... please deep down give it some deep thought.

You cancel the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner and what does he do? He says "thanks a lot". Any man that truly loved you, would be beating down your door and asking you to work things out. This is my opinion for what it is worth.

From what I have read, you seem to be a kind and loving person. Please Ally, think things through and make the right decision, one you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

With love,
Linda

 

[monarch64]

Ally, dear Ally...it just about kills me to read these posts of yours about how your FI is not supportive of you. This comes straight from my heart and my personal experience: he is not going to change. I would never tell you not to go through with your wedding, but I have to say that I agree with others who don''t think you''re getting anywhere near the type of respect you deserve. You know I left my marriage last year, and there are things within your posts here that ring huge bells of familiarity with me. My MIL was a control freak as well, even went so far as to call my parents before the wedding pleading with them to spend more money on the whole thing, just insulted the heck out of my mother, etc. My stbx refused to get married in my hometown, insisted on being the final decision maker about every little detail of the wedding...it was never about him and me and our wedding, it was about him, his mother, and trying to out-do everyone else in his family and circle of friends and not giving a thought to me or my side. It was awful, and although I have fond memories of my wedding day, I look back and wishwishwish i hadn''t gone through with it. I got married because I thought it was the right thing to do. There, I said it. Life is full of mistakes, and I try not to live my life regretting anything, but I wholeheartedly regret marrying him. Ok, off soapbox, rant over. I hope for your sake that if you do marry him, things will turn around and he will realize what a wonderful woman he has and give you his whole heart instead of treating you like a possession.

 

[blueroses]

Dear, dear Ally--my heart BREAKS for you. You do not deserve this. NO ONE deserves to be emotionally yanked around and manipulated and put LAST.

It''s not ok.

You are brilliant and strong and lovely and you DO have the strength to do whatever you need to do.

HUGS HUGS. (((((((((HUGS))))))))))

 

[packrat]

K, I''m home now. Argh, this man does not deserve you Ally-seriously, if this wasn''t so upsetting, it would be laughable that they treat you like that and act like you should agree it''s *your* fault! GAWD!

My husband and I had issues before we got married-unrelated to his mom at the time. However, they were bad enough that I called off the wedding and told him I felt we needed to get things worked out before we got married. I realize it''s impossible to have every last detail worked out about your lives before you walk down the aisle, but you''ve got to be on the same page on most things and willing to talk/compromise on things. So, yes, he was TICKED OFF..but no yelling, no fighting, no arguing. He asked what I was upset about, I told him, and was pretty certain he was going to tell me to take a hike, but he didn''t. We spent a few months really working on things, talking etc, and got married 4 months later than we planned. Things are not perfect, they never are. But I KNEW going into the marriage that after dropping a bombshell like that and making it work, we''d be ok. I had issues w/him mom after we got married, but nothing major. Until I got pg w/our first baby..I talked to him a couple times about things and she didn''t stop..so I finally had to put my foot down and explain that I could NOT handle it anymore, and I felt she was purposely trying to come between us and hurt our marriage, and purposely putting him in a position that he''d feel he had to choose between me or his mom. He put his foot down and told her to lay off/back off or she could buzz off, basically. We gave her another chance, it didn''t work, and so that was the end of it.

So, I really do have a point..where would I have been if husband hadn''t finally stood up to his mom? I''d either be married and miserable, feeling my husband didn''t give a rat''s butt what I thought/felt in our marriage as long as it didn''t hurt mommy''s feelings..or I''d''ve gotten fed up and would be divorced. Bad either way. I truly feel that after a while, people''s real personalities do come to the surface..and so far your FI''s not winning very many points in the "I love Ally and want to spend the rest of my life w/her" game. He IS however, being thoughtful in that he''s showing you his true colors beforehand. A son who kowtows to his mommy''s every demand leaves much to be desired in the husband department, IMO.

Obviously I can''t tell you what to do, Ally, but I hope you take some time to really think about things!

More hugs for you too!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 6/10/2009 3:09:32 PM
Author: allycat0303
I never thought it would go away with the marriage. I thought, I could *live with it* knowing that he would always side with x-y-z. It''s not a new thing. It''s a running theme in our relationship. I think I justify it a lot, by saying, ''well maybe I was too difficult, maybe I was wrong, maybe I''m being a B%?/$'', but I can''t ALWAYS be wrong. It gets kind of fishy when every single conflict you''ve had with ANYONE in his life ends with, ''It''s your fault Ally'' or ''You''re exaggerating'', ''or the person doesn''t know better, you''re interpreting wrong.''

I cancelled the rehersal and rehersal dinner. Such a relief that I don`t have to talk to the priest tonight. The tension would have been unbearable. I left a message with his secretary saying there were *family issues* I feel bad having lied to a priest by proxy, but at least that''s done.

Lorelei: I agree with you completely. And I feel exactly the same way in regards to this

Princess: I know you gals will be there fore me regardless. Many of the members of the forum were there during the most HORRIBLE times. I appreciate you all so much.

Ally...your highlighted comments just hit me like a brick wall. I hadn''t read that particular post before I first posted above. Whatever happened in my marriage was ALWAYS my fault, I handled things incorrectly, I was the one with the problem, and I was the b*tch every.single.stinking.time. Conflicts were never ever resolved, because I "just wouldn''t listen." I was always told that I didn''t have respect for HIM, that I needed to learn how to pick my battles, that I needed to stop arguing if I asserted my opinion or simply stated facts, and if I got upset I was labeled psycho or worse. Maybe things don''t escalate that far between you and your boyfriend/fiance, I sincerely hope that they don''t. You absolutely did the right thing by putting your foot down and cancelling the RD tonight. I''m proud of you but I truly feel your pain. This is big, and I can''t see how the good outweighs the bad here...I''m so sorry things are not going well.

 

[KimberlyH]

Ally,

None of this okay. I know you are smart enough to know this, but perhaps you need to hear it from others. Please be sure that this is how you want to spend your life, because this is your life.

My best to you on this difficult night. Life will go on one way or the other, the amazing part is that you get to choose which way it goes.

Kimi

 

[Anastasia]

Ally,

I am so, so sorry to hear about this.

The thing that stands out in my mind is the fact that his response when you called off your WEDDING REHEARSAL is that he is worried about his mother. Does he understand the implications here? I would expect that the man I am supposed to be marrying in 2.5 weeks would be extremely concerned and right by my side discussing our problems. Where is he right now? I would expect him to be beating down your parent''s door until he could talk to you.

Not only would I expect him to be beating down the door, I would expect him to be livid with his mother.

If her goal is to break the two of you up, she is certainly succeeding.

Ally, I know you have a lot to think over. The thing that keeps coming to my mind is that it shouldn''t have to be this hard! This should be a happy time for you.

I know that everyone says that communication is the key to marriage. It definitely is. But I think that respect is equally important. Are you being respected?

I wish you the best during this difficult time. Think long and hard about what is best for Ally, and if this is the life you want to lead.

P.S. Don''t feel guilty about "lying" to the priest. You didn''t lie, family issues did come up.

 

[Kaleigh]

Ally I have read every post, and care about you a lot. I am going to speak frankly. I hope you don't marry him. He doesn't put you first, he puts the blame on you. After all you have been through?? I mean serioulsy I can't beleive what he has done to you.

You are an amazing woman, so strong, so smart so kind. You deserve the world... I have"known " you since I joined PS. I only wish the very best for you. I had to speak up as other's have....

 

[choro72]

Logging in to say, (hugs). A man who blames you when his mother cries, but doesn't bat an eye when you are sick to the stomach, should NOT be your fiance. ((hugs)).

How is your family responding?

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Ally... I have no wisdom to add, but want to give major hugs to you. My heart just aches for you and this whole mess of a situation

I hope your soul-searching leads you to the BEST decision for YOU and your FUTURE.

Can you talk to your own parents about this? Any other close family? It is something you need to decide on your own (moving forward with the relationship, or not) but insight from loved ones who want the BEST for you may be helpful.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Oh Ally..

..I think you have some wonderful, heart-felt advice here. Just wanted to send you support and prayers..please take care of yourself.

 

[honey22]

Oh Ally sweetite, things are just going from bad to worse.

I am going to be brutally honest here. I see so many of your posts where your FI has treated you badly, but I have to say, don''t marry the guy! He doesn''t respect you, doesn''t treat you right and he doesn''t put you first. Is this the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Call the whole thing off, take yourself off on a quiet holiday and start putting yourself first, darling, you owe it to yourself and your own happiness.

I feel so strange writing this post, I have never said anything remotely like this to another PSer, but if it were me in your situation, I would want my friends to tell me the truth!

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 6/11/2009 1:06:19 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Ally I have read every post, and care about you a lot. I am going to speak frankly. I hope you don't marry him. He doesn't put you first, he puts the blame on you. After all you have been through?? I mean serioulsy I can't beleive what he has done to you.

You are an amazing woman, so strong, so smart so kind. You deserve the world... I have'known ' you since I joined PS. I only wish the very best for you. I had to speak up as other's have....

Ally, I sincerely ditto Lisa's words above. We care for you very much and want the best for you - and we want you to be one HECK of a doctor and surgeon!!!!! You deserve so much more than what is happening to you now and a partner in life who will support and adore you always, unconditionally and always put you first.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Ally i am only new here and have only followed your story from the thread of having your wedding turned into a funeral. At the time i thought that it all must have been from the grief but now that i have read through this thread i see that it is so much more.

It makes me wonder what an intelligent person (you''re going to be a surgeon!) is doing putting up with all of this and for so long?

It''s obvious that you must love him, but i have to ask (and please don''t be offended i am genuinely concerned for you), do you feel like you lack self esteem?
The reason i ask is because a long time ago i stayed with someone who did not treat me right, he didn''t put me first and it was never an equal relationship, i knew this deep down but i stayed with him for so long and i put up with it because (not only did i love him) i lacked the self esteem, strength and courage to stand up to him and the way that he treated me and then walk away, i eventually did, but it took alot. I thought that things would get better etc and it is only now that i am in a positive equal relationship with someone who treats me well and puts me first that i now realise that the other relationship was always doomed and was never right, (but i am not saying that about yours, only you know how it is really).

I just wanted to say that i hope that you find all the courage and strength you need to make the right choice for you, which ever that one is.

Goodluck.

 

[AdiS]

Date: 6/11/2009 12:08:28 AM
Author: Anastasia
Ally,

I am so, so sorry to hear about this.

The thing that stands out in my mind is the fact that his response when you called off your WEDDING REHEARSAL is that he is worried about his mother. Does he understand the implications here? I would expect that the man I am supposed to be marrying in 2.5 weeks would be extremely concerned and right by my side discussing our problems. Where is he right now? I would expect him to be beating down your parent's door until he could talk to you.

Not only would I expect him to be beating down the door, I would expect him to be livid with his mother.

If her goal is to break the two of you up, she is certainly succeeding.

Ally, I know you have a lot to think over. The thing that keeps coming to my mind is that it shouldn't have to be this hard! This should be a happy time for you.

I know that everyone says that communication is the key to marriage. It definitely is. But I think that respect is equally important. Are you being respected?

I wish you the best during this difficult time. Think long and hard about what is best for Ally, and if this is the life you want to lead.

P.S. Don't feel guilty about 'lying' to the priest. You didn't lie, family issues did come up.

That was EXACTLY what I thought.

Ally, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Reading your first posts in this thread, I was like "Such typical MIL behaviour! You just have to show her you're not putting up with her bull**** anymore and that'll be it" You know, millions of women around the world have to deal with these old witches...ahem, with their MIL every day (with the few happy exceptions of which I'm extremely jealous).

My relationship with MIL is bad. Really bad. And FIL is extremely supportive of his wife, as you can imagine. I don't want to go into details, suffice to say that I feel your pain. The difference, though? DH was right there with me, always on MY side, always there when I needed him. He pretty much ended his own relationship with his parents when they refused to accept me. And that's what your man is supposed to do.

Writing you snarky text messages when you've just canceled your rehearsal dinner because you unsettled his mom?!?! HE should be the one that's upset, for f*** &&&*!!!

He should be sad, confused, mad with you and himself, he should be sick with worry! And not about his mom!

Ally, darling, we're all here for you. Let me just say that the man you're supposed to spend your life with, is in turn supposed to be right there for you when you need him. When someone made you feel bad, your FI is supposed to be making death threats (ok, maybe not death, but at least a beating up?) because someone hurt your feelings and not telling you it's your own fault! You should be the centre of his universe, you should be above anything else. You should be the one and only. If you feel like that's not the way it is right now, honey, then you're probably right.

Stay strong. Everything will be ok. Life has a way of making things right for you, even if it all seems horrible and hopeless right now.

((((HUGS))))

 

[Lilac]

Ally -

I''m so so sorry you''re going through this. My heart really breaks for you right now

. I''m rushing to get to class, so I''ll come back later to say some more, but I just had to log in to tell you how sorry I am and offer my support.

I''m not going to tell you what to do (obviously I don''t truly know your fiance or his mother) but from the things you have said on PS, he will NEVER put you first. I''m going to give you 2 stories:

My parents got married and my father had always told my mother "things would get better" after they got married. He told her he would be away from his parents so things would be better even though he always sided with his parents before their marriage. Whenever she expressed concern, he said it would get better. It never did. He continued to defend his parents at all costs and never put my mom first. They got divorced and that was a big part of the reason why.

My MIL is totally manipulative. She cries to get what she wants. She makes nasty comments. She really is a piece of work. When DH and I first started dating, this was a problem - eventually I sat him down and discussed with him how if we were going to get engaged/married one day, he needed to put me first. Since that day, he has ALWAYS put me first. No matter what, he has defended me and put me first to everyone even when he doesn''t necessarily agree with me.

Ally, you deserve to be treated so much better than your fiance is treating you. Don''t be afraid to walk away - we''ll be here for you. And if you decide to stay - we''ll still be here for you. But please think about this very carefully because your FI sounds very selfish and it''s very telling that he didn''t care about how YOU were feeling after you cancelled the rehearsal dinner - he only cared about his mother and blamed you.

Again, I''m really sorry you have to deal with this

.

 

[fieryred33143]

I agree with all of the kind and thoughtful words of advice that everyone has given.

I haven''t been a member on PS for a very long time Ally but in my short time here, there are things he has done and said that have really stood out to me and not in a good way.

I really hope you know Ally that you are worth a great love and I hope that you take the time to ask yourself whether that great love is your fiance or not.

 

[purselover]

I rarely get so emotional reading through posts, but this one has me all teary. Your pain is just so obvious to me I don''t understand how your FI and FMIL can''t see what they''re doing to you. I''m so sorry you have to deal with this all now, I hope you''re feeling better today and no matter what happens we''re all here to listen to you and try to help as much as we can.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Oh, Ally! My heart just breaks for you that you are having to go through this now. We all care about your well being so much, and we can "hear" the anguish in your posts. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

The wedding is only 2.5 weeks away, and I was once in your shoes with a man who cared little for my opinion and feelings, especially when they clashed with his family's opinions. I left him several weeks before the wedding because I was sad and depressed more than I ever felt happy and respected. How often are you happy as compared to sad and frustrated?

I know that if you look deep enough, you'll find that you know you deserve to be treated better. We're all pulling for you, dear.

 

[Porridge]

Thinking of you today Ally, I hope you''re doing alright x

 

[princesss]

Thoughts and hugs going out to you today, Ally. Whatever you decide, if you''re doing what''s best for yourself we''re here to support you. There''s nothing but love here for you, Ally, so please don''t hesitate to come back and let us know how you''re doing.

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 6/10/2009 6:54:30 PM
Author: MonkeyPie

BIG FREAKING DITTO! BIGGEST DITTO EVER!!!


I really hope you reconsider what marriage will make this like. I am by no means in a perfect relationship, but my husband stands by me when I am upset with something and tries to help me through it. He doesn''t ignore it or take anyone else''s side! Because that is what he is SUPPOSED to do - and your bf is dropping the ball hardcore on this.


Marriage won''t change it, you won''t forget it, and even if it wasn''t before, it WILL be a deal-breaker at some point. Save yourself the extra heartache of realizing that too late.

hi ally

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

i really think monkeypie hit it on the head. the truth is that marriage accentuates bad points - it doesnt solve or absolve them. and our memories aren''t all that accommodating when it comes to being wronged; most of us have memories like steel traps! even small things become like a burr under the saddle blanket. and this situation is NOT a small thing. there''s nothing like marriage for finding the things we resent...and magnifying them a thousand times! ask any long term married person - even those with the good marriages - they will all tell you the same thing. marriage is a tough gig - both parties need to be totally committed to it and to each other for it to work.

it really said something to me that your MIL has been so apparently nice for 13 years of your relationship. what''s changed? the only thing that i can see which has changed is that you decided to marry and join her family. so where does that leave us? at the unavoidable conclusion that you were acceptable to her...so long as you didn''t marry her son. what you have now is what you''ll always have once you join her family. you''re never going to be non-asian enough, non-mormon enough, or like her enough. this is a role of guaranteed, lifelong, failure to meet her standards.

and this is ok, so long as your fiance sees this and is willing to live on the other side of the country and have little or no contact. but it doesnt seem like that. in fact ally, it seems to me as tho they are quite threatened by you - probably because you''re very bright, successful, and lovely - and this highlights all the things they''re NOT. it sounds to me like you''re being bullied, my dear, and the only way to deal with bullies is to push back. bullies generally have low self esteem but big egos (not the same thing). they suspect they''re kinda crap...but not as crap as everyone else! consequently, they feel better about themselves by making everyone else look worse than them. they feed their egos through comparison and finding others less than them, and if they find someone who might actually be BETTER than them, they have a lot invested in trying to push those people down. so they''re always going to be looking for a whipping boy, someone to blame, someone to make them look superior.

and you can take that role - but it''s more like a study in psycho-social group behavior than a marriage.

please be healthier than that. please deal with this in a summarial way and don''t be drawn into someone else''s emotional issues.

and in case you''re still wondering at ALL - ''black ribbons on a wedding dress'' is odd. weird. strange. Not Normal. hear the alarm bells, girl....

 

[KimberlyH]

Ally, thinking of you this morning and hoping you''re doing okay.

 

[KimberlyH]

Ally, I''m thinking of you this morning and hoping you''re okay.

 

[Camille]

A man should stand by his lady PERIOD.
Chin up, and remember, people don't change overnight!

 

[snlee]

Ally, he doesn't deserve you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. My heart breaks for you. You deserve much better! Hugs.

 

[KatyWI]

ally, I am so sorry. He should be sticking up for you. Mine always does... at a recent celebration of his grandparent''s 60th wedding anniversary with 150 guests, his aunt tried to make me carry around trays of beverages to foist off on all the other guests. My fiance stepped in and reminded her that I was a guest at this party too and I was in no way responsible for something like that. It was a pretty minor deal, but I know he would defend me, protect me, and do anything it took for me to be more comfortable and happy, and you''re not getting that from your FI.

He is selfish and he doesn''t deserve you. Only you know what is right for you, but I agree with everyone else that he seems not to be marriage material.

Take care of yourself, darling. You''re a fabulous woman and you''ll be fine no matter what. *hugs*

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 6/11/2009 1:06:19 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Ally I have read every post, and care about you a lot. I am going to speak frankly. I hope you don't marry him. He doesn't put you first, he puts the blame on you. After all you have been through?? I mean serioulsy I can't beleive what he has done to you.

You are an amazing woman, so strong, so smart so kind. You deserve the world... I have'known ' you since I joined PS. I only wish the very best for you. I had to speak up as other's have....

Ditto.

Every time you seem ready to leave him and call the whole thing off (and there have been MANY MANY times) I am so happy for you ... and every time you somehow make peace & stick with him I put a sock in it & push down my growing feelings of dread & try to believe that you know better. That you wouldn't be "settling" just to keep the status quo & keep everyone ELSE happy.

Ally, I hope you mean it when you say this is the last straw. When you REALLY think about what life will actually BE with someone who stands up for everyone one BUT you & blames you for things that aren't your fault. Love can't fix that. Because the kind of love you should really want for yourself wouldn't INCLUDE that in the first place. This is a freight train headed for a wall with a lot of velocity. I'm sure you feel so very pressured to just keep things on the tracks but the wall is unforgiving. The wall is certain extinction of your ever flickering, ever growing self esteem. I don't pray much ... but I pray you leap off that train before its too late. If you agree with me, that is. Either way I wish you all the happiness in the world & heaps of strength.

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Any updates Ally? Still thinking about you..